Frisky Dingo (2006–2008): Season 2, Episode 9 - A Take on Hooper - full transcript
The new super-villain team of Sinn, the Dread Lobster, Valerie, and a pregnant Antagone broadcast a message of terror out, using the Annihilatrix to back their claims up. Xander, Killface, and the new President Taqu'il see the message and decide to do something about it...even if there isn't much any of them can do.
STAN:
Previously on
"Frisky Dingo"...
They're making a
documentary about my run for
the Presidency.
- Say "hello!"
- mem-ow!
And we don't have
lots of time for exposition,
so if you want to know what
happened between then and now...
try iTunes.
HOOPER:
Greetings, America.
I am Sinn.
[all gasp]
What?
[ Stammering ]
And I, with my lover,
the dread lobster...
- Hi!
- ...my sisters in chaos,
Valerie and
the supervillainess Antagone...
[ growls ]
[ laughs evilly ]
What -- hey.
...who is soon to give birth
to what I can only assume will
be a giant, hideous ant baby,
unwittingly sired by crippled
billionaire tycoon
Xander Crews...
God...
...damn it.
...now control the
Annihilatrix and your new
President in office,
thanks only to a corrupt
Supreme Court...
And more specifically,
Stephen Breyer.
Boosh!
And/or ka-kow.
...is powerless to stop me.
For backed by the might
of the Annihilatrix,
the Sisterhood of
Chaos now rules the world.
And now back to the
Haggar Pants 500.
Wha-- how can she
afford a media buy?
[ Mumbling ]
Still, though.
Right.
I thought that went well...
- What?
- ...given all the exposition
I --
I actually have some notes.
Yeah.
The Deceptacles don't rate
a mention?
J Deceptacles!
TOGETHER: J More than
you bargained for J
And what's up with Sisterhood
of Chaos?
Yeah, what's up with that?
What's up with the bug lady
stepping all over my line?
Yeah.
What's up with
"giant, hideous ant baby"?
Well, you know it's
gonna be hideous.
Like you're one to talk!
How dare you raise your voice
to him?
How dare her?
- She.
- She?
- Who?
- What?
All this time, we thought you
were this super-cool dude,
Hooper, who just happened to
have great tits...
...when really you're some
other dude who just happens to
have great tits.
Yeah, what's up with that?
Yeah, what is up with that?
I'm a woman!
-[all gasp]
- You idiots.
- Wait. - What? - Yeah.
Now some stuff's kind
of making more sense.
Come on!
I got a pope's nose out here!
HOOPER:
Just a minute!
Hey, what,
are you jerking your knob?
- Come on.
-[ screams ]
- Oh, sorry.
- What is wrong with you?
[ Glass shatters ]
What's he --
jerking the knob?
Shh! Guys! Shh. Guys?
Here's the thing.
Hooper's got a vagina.
God!
Can you imagine how tough that
must have been for him --
you know, growing up?
I don't think any of us can.
Yeah, so from now on,
ll don't want to hear anybody
calling anybody a dick or --
and definitely not "pussy.”
Oh, god, no.
"Pussy" is -- hey, buddy!
What is going on here?
Uh...
Pictionary.
[ laughter ]
Is it a cow?
Is it Hooper's vagina?
& Winner! J
How stupid could
you possibly be?!
Oh ho! Listen.
Sounds like you need to climb
down off that rag.
Aah!
God.
[ Thud, car alarm wails ]
You just, uh...
[ car alarm deactivates ]
...need to give us some time
with this.
And time is a luxury
we don't have.
So I'll convene the joint chiefs
and --
Naw. [bleep] that.
We're taking this one.
"We're"?
As in you, the President,
and me, the Vice President?
Yeah.
Why?
'Cause I said.
Now go get your [bleep] on.
XANDER: Yeah,
I could if you'd get out of the way.
All right. Okay.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's there. It's close.
I never had it.
Yeah. So listen.
I can't really give you a
medical okay to...
Stand those pants up.
...go battle a cadre of
supervillains on top of a giant
doomsday device.
Well, not with that attitude.
Yeah, so remember when
Killface punched
you with a penguin at
the Haggar Pants Presidential debate?
Uh, vaguely, yeah.
Well, that cracked your C3
and C4 vertebrae.
So
, you ever see "Hooper"?
Yeah --
that robot with the big tits?
No, but that sounds awesome.
It is.
I meant the Burt Reynolds movie
where he's a hard-living
stunt man.
That sounds awesome.
It is.
Anyway, one more impact to the
neck and you'll be paralyzed.
[gasp]
My third-greatest fear!
Yeah, same basic plot as in
the movie.
God, that sounds awesome!
It is.
But who's gonna stop
Hooper?
Well, it's already out on
DVD.
No --
the robot with the big tits!
Really sounds awesome.
It is.
- Anyway --
- Aah!
I actually have some thoughts
on that.
DOCTOR:
Oh, my god!
Now my neck's broken!
[ Sighs ]
[ Intercom beeps ]
ASHLEY: Oh,
and there's a Wendell X to see you.
Yeah, so where is Wendell?
We could really use another
gunhand.
You've got the Crab Man,
the Bug Lady, and Val,
not to mention that perfidious
whore --
[ mumbling ]
Ah-ah!
Don't you -- down.
Down.
Well, maybe you can whinge about
how much you love Sinn
and hate me while you're missing
the Hannah Montana concert.
What?
Eighth-row tickets
at will-call,
claimable only with
my picture 1.D.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
[ Mumbling ]
Well, I assumed
we'd go together.
Gay.
No, that's cool.
Guess I'll have to celebrate our
anniversary alone --
or with Steve.
So listen.
About that rocket launcher...
[ cellphone beeps ]
[ Mumbling ]
Oh, right.
I'd embarrass you.
Oh, and I want to meet this
hobbit of yours --
Bobo Tea Baggins.
[gasps ]
Oh, my god!
I just got that!
What?
Oh!
I-1 think I'm gonna throw up.
I think I'm gonna throw up!
How could you even say that?
I'm a freakin' force of nature
here!
Yeah, and --
Stop. Stop it! Stop it!
Oh.
I'll get you a new lamp.
Yeah, that was
actually a sconce.
Still, though.
Yeah, it's just I
kind of spent a lot of time,
you know,
developing the Awesome " X" brand.
Totally, yeah, and it's
understandable, you know --
you're protective of it.
And I'd hate for you
to go up there, and...
1 get it.
...get your fat ass
handed to you.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Just, uh, went ahead and put
it out there.
Well...
Muffin-top X.
Just so you know, this armor
does not protect my feelings.
Okay, you know what?
- Yeah, do it.
- Really?
Yeah, 'cause either
your dumb ass dies
or you somehow manage to kill
the unspeakable horror
about to spew forth from
my ex-girlfriend's womb.
'Cause, uh, you know,
big picture -- child support.
You gonna --
XANDER: I'm not saying
perform an abortion.
Oh, my god.
But let's see if you can't stab
that thing while it's
still in her belly.
I could maybe stab her in the
belly with a machete.
Well...
your words.
We shouldn't be on the same
plane.
What if it goes down?
"A" --I've got a
built-in parachute...
How does everybody
have these?
...a Presidential
succession act...
the entire cabinet's up here.
And you're forgetting
the Speaker of the House...
[gasps ]
...the President
pro tem of the Senate...
[gags]
...and acting
Secretary of Homeland Security,
Mr. Ford.
What's the matter --
too much ant poison?
[ laughs ]
Although he is kind
of crazy.
No kidding.
So, scientists, what
do we know about this giant,
hideous ant baby?
Well, this isn't really our field,
but imagine a tiny,
tiny ant...
Okay.
...and then a human mother
400,000 times his size...
TAQU'IL:
Gotcha.
Mit a nice busen.
...which -- and this is only
speculation --
would give you a monster ant
baby 400,000 times
the size of
a regular human baby.
Probably nourishing himself
with trains.
- What?
- Oh, my god.
Yeah.
I'm glad this ain't a train.
Well, this isn't really my field,
but I think we're looking
at a perfectly healthy, uh...
ant baby.
A chitinous spawn grows
within me!
And I don't know if you've
been stretching,
but he's gonna be a big one.
[ laughs evilly ]
Yeah, and that's
not getting old.
Really having second thoughts
about this whole
Sisterhood of Chaos.
Wait. What?
No, no. Not you.
Yeah, 'cause I'm, like,
totally charming.
Totally charming.
[ laughs evilly ]
[ Sighs ]
Her, though...
- She's worse than Dane Cook.
- Yeah.
You think your Deceptoids or
whatever can, uh, kill her?
Mm...that might be a problem.
Oh, look at this!
- Love it!
- Oh, my god.
You know, for when she
starts getting her figure back?
You always get the best gifts.
Guys, guys, guys.
-[all gasp]
- Lookit.
Oh, god!
That's great!
"Here comes trouble."
Well, we'd better think of
something.
TAQU'IL:
'Cause here comes trouble!
STAN:
Oh!
[ All screaming ]
My god, a missile!
We've been hit!
And you can thank
Stephen Breyer for that!
HOBBIT:
Um, here's the thing.
- Look here Hobbit...
- That's actually my gay lover's.
Get the [bleep] out
of my gazebo.
- I knew it!
- Dude!
I knew it!
Everybody knew.
But, Mr. President,
what about us?
Um...
stay gold, ponyboy!
- Aah!
- Whoo-hoo!
Actually,
now I wish this was the train.
Oh, no kidding.
Well, there's something you
don't see every day.
[ laughs ]
Am I right?
Well, as long as it doesn't
crash into the Annihila--
[gasps ]
Damn it!
VAL:
What's up, cursey?
The Annihilatrix!
Yeah?
We left it completely
unguarded.
[ laughs ]
Duh-hoy.
Ha!
Completely unguarded.
Well, maybe things are finally
looking up for your old man.
Hmm? What's that?
Wh-- oh. No. No.
Pull up.
Son of a whore!
[ Mumbling ]
Nope.
Did not have insurance.
Previously on
"Frisky Dingo"...
They're making a
documentary about my run for
the Presidency.
- Say "hello!"
- mem-ow!
And we don't have
lots of time for exposition,
so if you want to know what
happened between then and now...
try iTunes.
HOOPER:
Greetings, America.
I am Sinn.
[all gasp]
What?
[ Stammering ]
And I, with my lover,
the dread lobster...
- Hi!
- ...my sisters in chaos,
Valerie and
the supervillainess Antagone...
[ growls ]
[ laughs evilly ]
What -- hey.
...who is soon to give birth
to what I can only assume will
be a giant, hideous ant baby,
unwittingly sired by crippled
billionaire tycoon
Xander Crews...
God...
...damn it.
...now control the
Annihilatrix and your new
President in office,
thanks only to a corrupt
Supreme Court...
And more specifically,
Stephen Breyer.
Boosh!
And/or ka-kow.
...is powerless to stop me.
For backed by the might
of the Annihilatrix,
the Sisterhood of
Chaos now rules the world.
And now back to the
Haggar Pants 500.
Wha-- how can she
afford a media buy?
[ Mumbling ]
Still, though.
Right.
I thought that went well...
- What?
- ...given all the exposition
I --
I actually have some notes.
Yeah.
The Deceptacles don't rate
a mention?
J Deceptacles!
TOGETHER: J More than
you bargained for J
And what's up with Sisterhood
of Chaos?
Yeah, what's up with that?
What's up with the bug lady
stepping all over my line?
Yeah.
What's up with
"giant, hideous ant baby"?
Well, you know it's
gonna be hideous.
Like you're one to talk!
How dare you raise your voice
to him?
How dare her?
- She.
- She?
- Who?
- What?
All this time, we thought you
were this super-cool dude,
Hooper, who just happened to
have great tits...
...when really you're some
other dude who just happens to
have great tits.
Yeah, what's up with that?
Yeah, what is up with that?
I'm a woman!
-[all gasp]
- You idiots.
- Wait. - What? - Yeah.
Now some stuff's kind
of making more sense.
Come on!
I got a pope's nose out here!
HOOPER:
Just a minute!
Hey, what,
are you jerking your knob?
- Come on.
-[ screams ]
- Oh, sorry.
- What is wrong with you?
[ Glass shatters ]
What's he --
jerking the knob?
Shh! Guys! Shh. Guys?
Here's the thing.
Hooper's got a vagina.
God!
Can you imagine how tough that
must have been for him --
you know, growing up?
I don't think any of us can.
Yeah, so from now on,
ll don't want to hear anybody
calling anybody a dick or --
and definitely not "pussy.”
Oh, god, no.
"Pussy" is -- hey, buddy!
What is going on here?
Uh...
Pictionary.
[ laughter ]
Is it a cow?
Is it Hooper's vagina?
& Winner! J
How stupid could
you possibly be?!
Oh ho! Listen.
Sounds like you need to climb
down off that rag.
Aah!
God.
[ Thud, car alarm wails ]
You just, uh...
[ car alarm deactivates ]
...need to give us some time
with this.
And time is a luxury
we don't have.
So I'll convene the joint chiefs
and --
Naw. [bleep] that.
We're taking this one.
"We're"?
As in you, the President,
and me, the Vice President?
Yeah.
Why?
'Cause I said.
Now go get your [bleep] on.
XANDER: Yeah,
I could if you'd get out of the way.
All right. Okay.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's there. It's close.
I never had it.
Yeah. So listen.
I can't really give you a
medical okay to...
Stand those pants up.
...go battle a cadre of
supervillains on top of a giant
doomsday device.
Well, not with that attitude.
Yeah, so remember when
Killface punched
you with a penguin at
the Haggar Pants Presidential debate?
Uh, vaguely, yeah.
Well, that cracked your C3
and C4 vertebrae.
So
, you ever see "Hooper"?
Yeah --
that robot with the big tits?
No, but that sounds awesome.
It is.
I meant the Burt Reynolds movie
where he's a hard-living
stunt man.
That sounds awesome.
It is.
Anyway, one more impact to the
neck and you'll be paralyzed.
[gasp]
My third-greatest fear!
Yeah, same basic plot as in
the movie.
God, that sounds awesome!
It is.
But who's gonna stop
Hooper?
Well, it's already out on
DVD.
No --
the robot with the big tits!
Really sounds awesome.
It is.
- Anyway --
- Aah!
I actually have some thoughts
on that.
DOCTOR:
Oh, my god!
Now my neck's broken!
[ Sighs ]
[ Intercom beeps ]
ASHLEY: Oh,
and there's a Wendell X to see you.
Yeah, so where is Wendell?
We could really use another
gunhand.
You've got the Crab Man,
the Bug Lady, and Val,
not to mention that perfidious
whore --
[ mumbling ]
Ah-ah!
Don't you -- down.
Down.
Well, maybe you can whinge about
how much you love Sinn
and hate me while you're missing
the Hannah Montana concert.
What?
Eighth-row tickets
at will-call,
claimable only with
my picture 1.D.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
[ Mumbling ]
Well, I assumed
we'd go together.
Gay.
No, that's cool.
Guess I'll have to celebrate our
anniversary alone --
or with Steve.
So listen.
About that rocket launcher...
[ cellphone beeps ]
[ Mumbling ]
Oh, right.
I'd embarrass you.
Oh, and I want to meet this
hobbit of yours --
Bobo Tea Baggins.
[gasps ]
Oh, my god!
I just got that!
What?
Oh!
I-1 think I'm gonna throw up.
I think I'm gonna throw up!
How could you even say that?
I'm a freakin' force of nature
here!
Yeah, and --
Stop. Stop it! Stop it!
Oh.
I'll get you a new lamp.
Yeah, that was
actually a sconce.
Still, though.
Yeah, it's just I
kind of spent a lot of time,
you know,
developing the Awesome " X" brand.
Totally, yeah, and it's
understandable, you know --
you're protective of it.
And I'd hate for you
to go up there, and...
1 get it.
...get your fat ass
handed to you.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Just, uh, went ahead and put
it out there.
Well...
Muffin-top X.
Just so you know, this armor
does not protect my feelings.
Okay, you know what?
- Yeah, do it.
- Really?
Yeah, 'cause either
your dumb ass dies
or you somehow manage to kill
the unspeakable horror
about to spew forth from
my ex-girlfriend's womb.
'Cause, uh, you know,
big picture -- child support.
You gonna --
XANDER: I'm not saying
perform an abortion.
Oh, my god.
But let's see if you can't stab
that thing while it's
still in her belly.
I could maybe stab her in the
belly with a machete.
Well...
your words.
We shouldn't be on the same
plane.
What if it goes down?
"A" --I've got a
built-in parachute...
How does everybody
have these?
...a Presidential
succession act...
the entire cabinet's up here.
And you're forgetting
the Speaker of the House...
[gasps ]
...the President
pro tem of the Senate...
[gags]
...and acting
Secretary of Homeland Security,
Mr. Ford.
What's the matter --
too much ant poison?
[ laughs ]
Although he is kind
of crazy.
No kidding.
So, scientists, what
do we know about this giant,
hideous ant baby?
Well, this isn't really our field,
but imagine a tiny,
tiny ant...
Okay.
...and then a human mother
400,000 times his size...
TAQU'IL:
Gotcha.
Mit a nice busen.
...which -- and this is only
speculation --
would give you a monster ant
baby 400,000 times
the size of
a regular human baby.
Probably nourishing himself
with trains.
- What?
- Oh, my god.
Yeah.
I'm glad this ain't a train.
Well, this isn't really my field,
but I think we're looking
at a perfectly healthy, uh...
ant baby.
A chitinous spawn grows
within me!
And I don't know if you've
been stretching,
but he's gonna be a big one.
[ laughs evilly ]
Yeah, and that's
not getting old.
Really having second thoughts
about this whole
Sisterhood of Chaos.
Wait. What?
No, no. Not you.
Yeah, 'cause I'm, like,
totally charming.
Totally charming.
[ laughs evilly ]
[ Sighs ]
Her, though...
- She's worse than Dane Cook.
- Yeah.
You think your Deceptoids or
whatever can, uh, kill her?
Mm...that might be a problem.
Oh, look at this!
- Love it!
- Oh, my god.
You know, for when she
starts getting her figure back?
You always get the best gifts.
Guys, guys, guys.
-[all gasp]
- Lookit.
Oh, god!
That's great!
"Here comes trouble."
Well, we'd better think of
something.
TAQU'IL:
'Cause here comes trouble!
STAN:
Oh!
[ All screaming ]
My god, a missile!
We've been hit!
And you can thank
Stephen Breyer for that!
HOBBIT:
Um, here's the thing.
- Look here Hobbit...
- That's actually my gay lover's.
Get the [bleep] out
of my gazebo.
- I knew it!
- Dude!
I knew it!
Everybody knew.
But, Mr. President,
what about us?
Um...
stay gold, ponyboy!
- Aah!
- Whoo-hoo!
Actually,
now I wish this was the train.
Oh, no kidding.
Well, there's something you
don't see every day.
[ laughs ]
Am I right?
Well, as long as it doesn't
crash into the Annihila--
[gasps ]
Damn it!
VAL:
What's up, cursey?
The Annihilatrix!
Yeah?
We left it completely
unguarded.
[ laughs ]
Duh-hoy.
Ha!
Completely unguarded.
Well, maybe things are finally
looking up for your old man.
Hmm? What's that?
Wh-- oh. No. No.
Pull up.
Son of a whore!
[ Mumbling ]
Nope.
Did not have insurance.