Friends (1994–2004): Season 9, Episode 13 - The One Where Monica Sings - full transcript

- Hey.
- Yeah. Yeah, okay. Sure.

Look, can we talk
about what happened here last night?

Sure. Just give me a second
to get all huffy and weird like you.

You believe that whoever did something
last night did what they did or didn't do?

Okay, you really don't know
what I'm talking about?

- No.
- Okay. Last night, after the party...

I saw Rachel kissing that jerk
from her office out on your balcony.

Our balcony? Seriously?

That's so funny. I told Monica
we should put lights on our balcony...

and she said, "No, no. It's too cold.
Nobody will go out there." And I said:

"Maybe if we put some lights
out there they will."



Right, that's what I came over to talk
about. I saw Rachel kissing some guy...

on your balcony,
even though there were no lights!

So are you gonna talk to her?

Why? Why should I? I mean,
if she wants to move on, that's fine.

You know when "that's fine" sounds
true? When someone yells it and spits.

No, I'm serious. I mean, if she wants
to date people, fine. I don't care.

But at least she could have told me.

You know, I've been putting my life on
hold and concentrating on Emma.

But if she wants to go out there kissing
guys she barely knows, then so will I.

Very funny! Ross is gay! Ha, ha.

No, no.
Good, so you're moving on.

Do you have any idea
where you're moving on to?

I've got plenty of opportunities.

Just now, there was some woman
at the coffeehouse smiled at me.



And then the other day on the subway,
a woman "accidentally" sat on my hand.

Dude, don't rub my face
in your crazy single life.

And there's an anthropologist
at schooL"

who totally came on to me during
the interdepartmental potluck dinner.

Why did I get married?

Hey, let me ask you guys something.

I'm having new headshots
taken tomorrow.

The photographer said she thinks
I should have my eyebrows waxed.

Is that weird for a guy?

- Well, it depends.
- On?

On how far along he is
in the sex-change process.

No, I totally disagree. I think it's fine
for a guy to do something like that.

Especially an actor.

I mean, not that you need to.
Your eyebrows are...

Stop it, you guys. Stop staring,
you're freaking me out.

Your knuckles are kind of hairy too.

Oh, man, now I have to get
those done too?

- Wow, talk about high maintenance.
- You dye your hair.

- I'm a woman.
- Double standards!

Before I forget, are you coming
to Mike's piano bar tonight?

- Only if I don't have to get up and sing.
- But everybody sings. It's so fun.

Last time, this adorable old man got up
there, forgot all the words, flipped out...

and everyone booed him off the stage.
It was so funny.

Look, I'm not good at singing.

Oh, what's the matter? You scared?
You afraid I'm a better singer?

You afraid I'm gonna beat you
at singing?

Nope. Nope. It's not working on me.

Wow, I must be growing up.

Okay, fine. Just please come and
support Mike. You don't have to sing.

So I don't have to sing, and I can just sit
there and pass judgment on others?

- While drinking.
- I'm there.

Hi, you guys.
Listen, I really need your help.

I think I did something
really stupid.

Well, yes, Rachel, but you got something
so beautiful out of it.

No, not that.
I kissed Gavin last night.

- My God.
- You kissed him?

Yeah, it was after the party,
we were on the balcony...

Wait, wait, wait. I was at home
the whole time. How did I miss that?

Well, it was the end of the party. You
were probably ironing wrapping paper.

Oh, yeah.

So how did you end up kissing?

We were all alone
and he was being really nice...

- and he gave me this scarf.
- I thought you hated him.

Well, there is a thin line
between love and hate...

and it turns out that line
is a scarf.

Are you thinking of starting
something up with this guy?

I don't know. It's so complicated.
I work with this guy.

I have the baby, and I have Ross.
I don't know what to do.

And I have to be at the office
and see Gavin in 10 minutes.

Sounds like you need to think
about what you want and talk to Gavin.

- And you definitely should talk to Ross.
- Or...

I could call in sick
and not deal with it at all.

Wow! Five months maternity leave,
you're back for four days...

kiss a co-worker and call in sick.
They are lucky to have you.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- I'm here for my eyebrow appointment.
- Name?

Chandler Bing.

Okay, very good.

Have a seat right here, Mr. Bing,
and Sonya will be right with you.

- Okay. Thanks.
- Mm-hm.

Ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Uh-oh.

I touched the stuff.

I'll take care of it.

Thanks.

So do you...?
Do you get a lot of guys in here?

- Oh, absolutely.
- Oh, good.

- You looking to meet somebody?
- All right, let's just do this.

Okay, we'll get to the wax in a minute.

First, I want to tweeze
some of the strays, okay?

- Now, this may sting just a little bit.
- I have an extremely high threshold...

Holy Mother of God!
Oh, my face! My face!

I'm all right. I'm all right.
I'm all right.

It's just a bit of shock, that's all.

- But I'll be fine. You can go again.
- Okay.

Sorry.

Damn it, woman!

QW, ow! Oh!

Okay.

_H6Y-
_H6Y-

It's the most eligible man in New York.
How's the moving on going?

Not well. I went on the subway again
and someone did sit on my hand...

but that person was neither female
nor wearing pants.

Maybe you're going about this
the wrong way. I mean, think about it:

Single white male, divorced three times,
two illegitimate children.

The personal ad writes itself.

You know, that's funny. Yeah.
So do you think you'll ever work again?

What are you doing?
You know I can only dish it out.

I can't believe Rachel just moved on
and didn't say anything to me.

Maybe she didn't move on.

Maybe that kiss was just an impulsive,
one-time birthday thing.

No, a month ago, she gave her number
to some guy in a bar.

- Did she go out with him?
- No. When he called...

I threw the message away.

Ah, the highroad.

All right, you know what? Enough.
Enough talking. I have to get moving.

Hey, check out those two blonds
over there. Hey, come with me.

Are you trying to get
everybody divorced?

You don't have to do anything.
It'll just be easier if it's two of us.

Like college, remember? First, you
break the ice with some kind of a joke...

so they know you're the funny one. I
swoop in with interesting conversation...

so they'll see that I'm the brilliant,
brooding sexy one.

I thought I got to make the jokes.

- Don't you have to be at work?
- Oh, come on.

Hello. Hi, my name's Chandler.
This is my friend Ross right here.

We were wondering...

if you're up for it, we only need
six more people for a human pyramid.

Swoop. Swoop.

Uh... So, um...

Hey, I notice
you're reading the paper.

Another flood in Europe, huh?

Um, here's a question:

Would you rather drown
or be burned alive?

- I'm sorry, we're just leaving.
- Okay.

We still got it.

- Who is it?
- Gavin. I brought you some soup.

- Why?
- Uh, I heard your were sick.

Oh, right! Hold on,
let me just clean up in here a little bit.

Hello, Gavin.

I missed you at work.
How you feeling?

I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm pretty sick.

Oh, good. Because I was having
a totally paranoid moment...

where I thought you
called in sick to avoid me.

Oh, no, no, no.

So I had fun last night.

So did I.

Exactly how contagious
is this thing you have?

Is it a cold from standing on
the balcony, or did a monkey bite you?

- It's just a cold.
- Do you have a fever?

Let me see.

Um...

What? What is it?
What's the matter?

What's Ross doing to you
in that picture?

Oh, he's dusting me with a fossil brush.

He thought it would be funny.

- Right. Right.
- Yeah.

- Ross.
- Yeah.

What's the deal with you guys? I don't
wanna get in the middle of anything.

Oh, you're not getting in the middle
of anything. Don't worry about Ross.

Hide! That's Ross! Hide!

- Hide! Hide!
- Yeah, but you said not to worry...

I lied and I'm not sick either!
Just stay behind the curtain!

- Hi.
- Oh, Molly. You're not Ross.

No. I'm here to take Emma
to your mother's, remember?

Right. Yes, yes.

- Don't panic.
- What?

There is a man behind your curtain.

- I have Mace in my purse.
- No, that's okay! No, no, no.

This is my business associate Gavin
being silly. Come out from behind there.

Hi. Gavin. Pleased to meet you.

It was my idea to stand there.

- Hello. I'll just go get Emma.
- Okay.

So...

- why did I have to hide?
- I thought it was Ross.

I thought there was nothing
going on between you.

There isn't. There totally isn't.

You hear keys in the hall and you jump
like a bronco coming out of the chute.

I used to be a rodeo clown.

Um, all right, look, Gavin...

I guess I felt guilty
that you were here...

Which I shouldn't.

You know, Ross and I
are not in a relationship...

but he is the father of my child.
And, you know...

we do live together. And plus,
there's just so much history, you know?

It's just... I don't know.

- I'm sorry. I'm just all over the place.
- It's okay.

It's probably not my place,
but can I give you a piece of advice?

- Yes.
- You should talk to Ross about all this.

People keep saying that.

Oh, I'm sorry, Gavin.

Don't be.

It's just bad timing.

So seriously, rodeo clown?

One of the best, ma'am.
One of the best.

No time for losers

'Cause we are the champions

Of the world

Oh, she's my girlfriend.
That's not just how we do it here.

I'm gonna take a little break,
and when we come back...

we've got Kenneth singing
"I Touch Myself."

I'm not here to judge.

- You have got to sing.
- No, I told you I can't.

But you would have so much fun.
And you have a really nice voice.

- When have you heard me sing?
- All the time, when you're cooking.

- What?
- Yeah, you're always singing:

"Yummy, yummy, yummy,
I've got love in my tummy."

Yeah, I do rock that one.

Isn't there just a little part of you
that wants to get up there?

Just a little. But, God, it's so scary.

I don't even know what I would sing.

- Well, I've got a book around...
- "Delta Dawn."

Hi. I couldn't help but notice,
but that's an unusual necklace.

You already hit on me an hour ago.

Right. So that's a firm no?

I don't believe this.
I just keep striking out.

I don't get it either.

I mean, you're obviously desperate.

You're asking women
how they wanna be killed.

This is great.
Rachel's gonna keep kissing guys...

until she finds the one she wants,
and I'm gonna die alone.

By drowning or...?

- Why would he break up with me?
- I don't know, sweetie.

All I ever wanted was to just love him
and have him love me back.

I mean, am I so unlovable?

- Wow.
- I know.

All right. That was Kenneth with his...

much too literal rendition
of "I Touch Myself."

Coming up next, we've got Monica
singing "Delta Dawn."

Wait. I can't sing in
front of all these people.

Just pretend they're not
even here. It's okay.

Once that spotlight hits you, it's so
bright, you won't see anyone anyway.

Hi, I'm Monica. And I'm going
to be singing "Delta Dawn."

Delta Dawn
What's that flower you have on?

Could it be a faded rose
From days gone by?

- Can you totally see through her shirt?
- Like an x-ray.

Bad day not to wear a bra.

Take me to that mansion in the sky

Hey.

I need your help.

Wow, it seems serious.

What seems to be the problem,
Ashley Judd?

I'm getting new headshots taken.
So I went to get my eyebrows shaped.

I'm sorry.
Moment to make fun of that, please.

I may be a sissy, but I'll still
pound you into the ground.

Look, it hurt so bad, I could only
let her do one eyebrow, and now...

they don't match!

It's like a baby caterpillar
chasing its mama.

You gotta help me out, okay?
Look, I have a magic marker.

Fill in the skinny one
so I don't look stupid for my pictures.

Okay, first of all, this is green.

- What the hell am I supposed to do?!
- I will help you out...

but you have to promise you won't
tell anyone what I'm about to tell you.

What? What?

Okay.

You know how most kids get their
allowance from mowing the lawn...

or taking out the garbage?
Well, I earned mine...

by plucking the eyebrows of my father
and his "business partners."

Oh, my God.

Yeah, well, I guess you don't need
my help, Victor-Victoria.

No, no, no. I do. I do.
I need your help.

But, Chandler, I don't know if I can take
any more plucking. It hurt so bad.

Not with my combination of ice cubes,
aloe vera and my gentle...

self-loathing touch.

Take me to that mansion in the sky

Aww...

I'm sorry, the song's over.

- Did you see me up there?
- Every little bit of you.

I can't believe I sang
in front of people and they liked me.

Did you hear that guy shouting,
"Look at those tips"?

I mean, did I really help
you get a lot of tips?

Sure.

- Mon, not that you didn't sound good...
- Good?

Didn't you hear them? I was great!

Thank you so much for making me
do this. That is the best gift ever.

Also a good gift: underwear.

Thank you so much
for letting me do this.

Public bathrooms freak me out. I can't
even pee, let alone do anything else.

But what's great is, you don't
mind talking about it.

It is so amazing that I met you on the
same day that Eric broke up with me...

because it's like, you lose a boyfriend,
and you get a boyfriend.

Uh-huh.

No, don't worry. This is not some
rebound thing. I am totally over Eric.

Phew.

Good choice, Ross.

Oh, hey. Hi. There you are.

- I've been looking for you everywhere.
- Hello. Well, here I am.

My mom is not bringing
the baby back until 9:00.

So I was hoping you and I
could have a chance to kind of...

- Somebody here?
- Oh, yeah. That's Michelle.

- Who?
- Oh, just this woman I've been seeing.

- You've been seeing someone?
- Yeah, didn't I mention that?

I mean, we haven't been
going out too long...

but there's this amazing
connection between us.

I mean, in fact just before you came in
she called me her boyfriend.

I thought it was a little too soon,
but also, it felt kind of nice.

What are you taking amoxicillin for?

How great is this?
You're already comfortable enough...

to look through my stuff.

I'm sorry, Michelle,
this is my roommate, Rachel.

And I'm also Emma's mother.

- Who's Emma?
- I told you about my daughter.

This is your daughter?

I could be your new mommy.

And done.

Oh, my God.

I didn't feel a thing.
Hey, are you still looking for a job?

Because you could tweeze circles
around that sadistic bitch at the salon.

- Thanks. Wanna see what it looks like?
- Yeah.

Hey!

They totally match. They look great.

They look great. How you doing?

Yeah, I think it looks pretty good.
I was a little worried I was...

uncovering a birthmark
right about there...

but it turned out to be
a little piece of chocolate.

- Chandler, thank you so much.
- No problem.

Listen, that was a pretty
girlie hour we just spent.

We should do something manly
to make up for it.

Yeah.

- Curl my eyelashes.
- Yeah!

For my next song, I think I'll sing
something a little more upbeat, all right?

Oh, how about the Pointer Sisters'
"I'm So Excited"?

And make it bouncy.

Well, you can probably take care of that
on your end.

I'm sorry I'm late. You'll understand
when you see Joey.

Honey, you're just in time.
I'm about to sing another song.

- Really? In front of all these people?
- And they love me.

- Oh, my God.
- She gives the people what they want.

All right, watch.

Tonight, tonight we're gonna
Make it happen

Tonight we'll put all other things aside

Get in this time
And show me some affection

Are those my wife's nipples?

Isn't that funny? I didn't see that before.
I wouldn't have let her go up again.

I've got to stop this.

Wrap myself around you...

Yeah!

Oh, who cares? They still love me.

You, touching yourself! Out!

Wow! She does that a lot.

Ross, you didn't tell me
you were a doctor.

Wait a minute. You haven't even
told her you are a doctor yet?

How long have you known her,
like an hour?

Actually, about an hour and a half.

I told you it wasn't long, but there's
an amazing connection between us.

You feel that too? Oh!

- I thought that that was just me.
- Are you kidding?

- Do you wanna go away this weekend?
- We'll see.

Ross, what's going on here?

Are we just bringing strange women
back to the apartment now?

I don't know. Are we just kissing
guys on balconies?

- How do you know about that?
- Through the magic of sight.

- I was here, putting our child to sleep...
- Emma.

When I looked through the window
and saw you kissing a guy...

you've known for what, a week?

God, is that what this is all about?
You bring her up here to get back at me?

No, actually, see, I had to pee
because I can't use public bathrooms...

- because of the doody parasites.
- Okay, Michelle, it's time to go.

- Well, call me.
- Okay.

Wait, you don't have
my phone number.

You know what?
If it's meant to be, I'll guess it.

Bye-bye.

Score.

Did you not like her? Because I was
hoping we could come...

to your kissing parties
on the balcony.

I can't believe you are making a big deal
about this. It was one kiss!

- One guy. One time!
- Oh, really?

- Yeah.
- Oh, really?

Oh, yeah.

- What about the guy from the bar?
- Who?

The guy you gave your number to.

- How do you know about that?
- Because he called here looking for you.

So don't tell me kissing this guy
from work is a one-time thing.

Because you've been out there
in bars and on balconies...

for over a month now. And you
don't even have the courtesy to tell me.

- Why didn't I get that message?
- What?

From the guy in the bar?
Why didn't I get that message?

Because I folded it up
and put it in my pants pocket.

Do you...? Do you not look there?

Ross.

I never gave it to you.

Why?

- I don't know.
- Oh, God, you know what? I don't...

Who do you think you are?
Who are you to decide...

what messages
I should or should not get?!

Who am I? I'm the guy
who's taking care of our baby...

- while you're at bars meeting guys!
- I cannot believe you.

I actually came in here hoping to have
a mature conversation about us.

But I can't do that with someone
who hides my messages...

and brings crazy women
back to my apartment!

Hey, none of the sane ones
wanted to come back with me!

That's not the point, okay?
The point is...

you are the one who moved on
and didn't tell anyone.

Oh, God, Ross,
this is just so messed up.

What is wrong with us? When people
hear about our situation, they ask:

"You live together, but you're not
a couple, yet you have a baby?

Isn't that weird?" And I say,
"No. It's not, because it works for us."

But you know what?
This doesn't work.

- In fact, this is the opposite of working.
- Clearly.

And you know...

we said that we would live together
as long as this makes sense...

and maybe this
just doesn't make sense anymore.

Yeah, maybe not.

So, what do you wanna do?

- Hey.
- Hi.

Can Emma and I live here for a while?

God. Uh...

- Of course.
- Thank you.

Your eyebrows look weird.

Jeremiah was a bullfrog

Was a good friend of mine

Never understood a single word he said

But I helped him drink his wine

So you'll just touch yourself
for anything, then?