Friends (1994–2004): Season 9, Episode 14 - The One with the Blind Dates - full transcript

- Morning, roomie.
- Hey!

You remembered
to put clothes on this morning.

- Fifth day's the charm.
- Oh.

It's so great to be back here. You're
making it so easy on me and Emma.

It's great having you back.
Stay as long as you want.

And when does she stop
crying all night?

Hey! You're not naked. Heh.

So, hey, Rach, when will we expect
to see you tonight?

I'll probably be back around 6.
But she's in the bedroom, all ready to go.

But she did fall back to sleep, so...

She's probably exhausted from all that
adorable screaming she did last night.



- Bye.
Bye.

Hey, I hope Emma isn't making it
too hard on you.

No, hey, it's been great.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I want you to know that
with Rachel staying here...

all my feelings from before
are totally over.

And even if they weren't...

when you walk in
on a woman using a breast pump...

- Yeah, that'll do it.
- Wow.

So how are you?

- I'm okay.
- Really?

Sure. I mean, do I wish me and Rachel
living together would have worked out?

Of course. You know, I'm disappointed,
but it's not like it's a divorce.

- Well, actually it...
- It's not a divorce. It is not a divorce!



Anyway, I think Rachel and I
need to get on with our lives.

Maybe start seeing other people.

Wow. Really?

Sure, why not? In fact, if you know
anyone that'd be good for me?

- Sure. I know lots of girls.
- Yeah? Any names come to mind?

Ooh. Names?

- Hey.
- Hey.

- I was just gonna eat. Want something?
- What you got?

Okay, let's see, we got strained peas,
strained carrots...

ooh, strained plums.
We haven't tried that yet.

Goody!

Thanks. Ha, ha.

So how is it living with Rachel again?

- I mean, apart from the great food?
- Ha, ha.

I'm fine, I'm fine. It's just...

It's just weird what's happening
with her and Ross.

Yesterday he asked me to fix him up
with somebody.

Rachel asked me
if I knew anyone for her too.

- Why are they doing this?
- I don't know.

They're so perfect for each other.
It's crazy.

You know what's crazy? These jars.

What is there, like, two bites in here?

I just wish they'd realize
they should be together.

When they moved in together, I figured
that's where things were headed.

They should be a family. They should
marry and have more children.

Yes. And they should name
one of their kids Joey.

I may not have kids. Someone's
gotta carry on the family name.

You know what? Maybe once they
start dating and see what's out there...

they'll realize how good
they are for each other.

Yeah, because it is slim pickings.

- I had this date last night. Yuck!
- Mm.

But we should probably keep it down,
she's still in the bedroom.

So, what are we gonna do? Are we
just gonna set them up with people?

I know, that just pushes them
further and further apart.

I know what we can do. We could set
Ross and Rachel up on horrible dates...

so they'll realize
how good they are together.

- Ooh, that's a great plan.
- Yeah.

You know what the best part of it is?
I get to do my plan laugh:

Okay. Shh, shh. Not so loud.
We don't wanna wake up, uh...

Hi. You guys aren't
doing anything tonight, are you?

See, now, why would you assume that?
Just because we're married?

I mean, I will have you know
that we are very hip, happening people.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to
get back to reading the obituaries.

I was just asking because I need
someone to watch Emma tonight.

Sure we'll do it.
What are you up to?

Well, Phoebe set me up on a date.

- Oh, my God.
- Wow.

- Why? What's the big deal?
- I figured because you and Ross are...

What? Slept together a year
and a half ago? Yeah, I'm all set.

I think it's great you're going on a date.
It sounds healthy.

I mean, you have needs.
Embrace your womanhood.

You want a job? Turn off Oprah
and send out a résumé.

- I'll bring her by around 7, okay?
- That's perfect.

You guys are gonna have so much fun.
She's at such a cute age.

A couple things. Now that she eats
solid food, she poops around the clock.

And watch out for your hair
because she likes to grab it.

She's also in this phase where if you
leave the room, she screams, but, oh...

thanks, you guys. Have fun.

Suddenly I wish I was reading
my own name.

- Ooh, Joey, hey. I'm so excited.
- Hey.

- I just set Rachel up with the worst guy.
- All right. Who is he?

It's this guy I used to massage.
By "massage"...

I mean hold down so he wouldn't
turn over and flash me.

Okay, okay.

- Wait till you hear who I got for Ross.
- Oh, yeah.

She's this really boring woman.
She's a teacher.

- A teacher?
- She's into history and foreign movies.

Oh, oh. And she loves puzzles. Huh?

Come on, who loves puzzles?

Well, Ross does.

You're ruining the plan!

Joey, you fixed him up
with his perfect woman.

- Oh, my God, you're right!
- Yeah.

- She even reads for pleasure!
- Ugh.

- How do you know a woman like that?
- I'm not allowed to know smart women?

Joey?

I met her at the library.
I went in to pee.

- So now what do we do?
- Well, okay.

I'll call her and tell her the date's
canceled and find him somebody else.

What if we don't find him somebody
else? We'll just tell her the date's off...

but we don't tell Ross. He goes
to the restaurant and gets stood up.

Ooh!

Ooh, I hear that's bad.

Ooh, so this is great. Rachel's
gonna have a terrible date...

Ross gets stood up, and then they'll
realize how good they have it together.

Ah, yes, the plan.

Ho-ho-ho.

It's not Santa's plan.

No, it's:

- Yeah, you know, it's not that fun.
- No, I think we killed it.

Emma? Emma, look at me.

Well, I think I'll go downstairs
for a while.

No, no, no. No, no, no.
It's okay. It's okay. I didn't go.

Don't cry, it's just a bit.

I'm your Uncle Chandler.
Funny is all I have!

Okay, just so you know, I'm gonna be
ovulating from tomorrow until the 6th.

So don't touch yourself
for the next 48 hours.

I don't do that.

I'll try to stop.

- Wait, did you say until the 6th?
- Yeah.

Today is the 6th.

No, it's not. Look.

Yes, it's also 2003.

Oh, my God. Today's the 6th?

I may be done ovulating!

I may have also served some very
questionable meat at the restaurant.

- Go take the test, see if we're okay.
- Okay.

Tough crib.

Hey, where are all my ovulation sticks?
There's only one here.

I might have checked to see
if I was ovulating a couple times.

Chandler.

I am not working! There's not much
to do around here!

Excuse me. Um... Heh.

Is there a woman waiting at the bar?

Um, someone average height, dark hair?
Or perhaps doing a puzzle?

Uh, there's a drunk Chinese guy.

Well, if I'm still here in an hour,
buy him a drink on me.

Um, can I get you another glass of wine?

I don't know if I should.
I don't wanna be drunk when I...

go home alone tonight.

Got stood up, huh?

Eh, it's no big deal.
It's just a blind date.

Are you worried your date came,
saw you and left?

No!

We're okay. I'm still ovulating.

Oh, good, because as of 4:00
this afternoon, I am not.

So let's do this.

- I don't think I can.
- Oh, come on.

I know you're not 18 anymore,
but give it a minute.

- Because of Emma.
- Oh, my God, Emma.

Oh, sweetie, I forgot you were here.

Oh, you're right, we can't do this.
We can't leave her alone.

Sorry.

Unless...

maybe we do it here.

I mean, how much can she even
be aware of at this age?

Well, she's aware when we leave a room.
She may notice if we start...

canoodling in it.

- "Canoodling"?
- Well, I can't say "hump" or "screw"...

in front of the B-A-B-Y.

I don't know,
I guess having sex in front of a baby...

isn't so...
- Horrifying? Scarring?

Something people go to jail for?

- I guess you're right.
- You guess?

At that bed-and-breakfast,
we didn't have sex...

because you thought a deer
was staring through the window.

Well, what kind of a sick bastard
wants to do it in front of a deer?

Wow, everything looks so good.

I think I'm gonna have the chicken.

I just have to say this.

- You're really beautiful.
- Oh. Wow, that's very sweet. Thank you.

I'm kind of funny-looking.

- What?
- Look, I mean, come on...

you're way out of my league.
Everybody in here knows it.

I bet that guy over there
is probably saying:

"Ooh, why's she out with him?
He must be rich."

Well, I'm not.

What do you think you want to order?
I'm real excited about that chicken.

I'm not funny, either.

So if you were thinking,
"Well, he's not that good-looking...

but maybe we'll have some laughs,"
that ain't gonna happen.

Well, come on, Steve, let's not rule out
nervous laughter. Ha-ha-ha.

Hey, now, wait a minute,
Phoebe told me...

that you owned
your own restaurant. That's impressive.

I lost it to drugs.

I silk-screen T-shirts now.

Really? What's that like?

It's really fulfilling doing something
you hate for no money.

That's right. I have no money,
I'm not funny...

I live in a studio apartment
with two other guys.

And I'm pretty sure I'm infertile.

Now, come on. Come on, Steve.

There must be something
that you like about yourself.

I do like my hair.

Really?

- Hello?
- Phoebe, it's me!

I'm going to hunt you down
and kill you.

Hey, Rach.

This is the worst date ever! How could
you set me up with this creep?

You know, you are talking about
one of my dear, dear friends.

I don't care. This guy is a nightmare.

All right, so he gets a little crazy
when he's stoned.

- He's not stoned.
- Did he go out for a cigarette?

- Yeah. Four times.
- My dear, sweet Rach.

Oh.

Well, our plan is working.
Rachel's having a miserable time...

and Ross is just stood up somewhere
at a restaurant all alone.

Great. Pretty soon
they'll be back together.

By the time anyone's figured out what
we've done, we'll be in sunny Mexico.

Oh, wait, that's the end
of a different plan.

Oh, she's asleep. Chandler?

- What are you doing?
- Emma was doing it.

She's asleep.

Ooh!

- She's asleep. That means we can...
- Yes. But we have to be fast.

Oh, okay, I'll try.

- And you can't make any noise.
- Okay, I'll try.

Hello?

Emma?

Hey! Hi!

How are you? How are you?

Where are your babysitters, huh?

Why is the bedroom door closed?

You can't have S-E-X
when you're taking care of a B-A-B-I-E.

I've got bad news. The Chinese guy left.

Eh, if it was meant to be,
it's meant to be.

Look, you got stood up. Who cares?

We're gonna show you a good time.
Sit and relax.

In fact, let me bring you
a crab-cake appetizer on the house.

Wow, free crab cakes? Well, that's nice.

Although I was hoping
to have sex tonight. Heh.

Ooh.

Just the crab cakes.

What are you doing? Are you trying
to get him to stay? You can't do that.

- Just get out of here, okay?
- I'm sorry, what's going on?

Uh, okay, um, the waiters have
a little pool going.

We have a bet on how long it'll take
before you give up and go home.

What?

You're making money off my misery?

Well, if you stay till 9:20, I am.

This is unbelievable. I have never
been so insulted in my life.

Now, if you'll wrap up my free
crab cakes, I'll be on my way.

Well, that was weird.
You were loud and I was fast.

I think we may have done it this time.

Oh, I wish I didn't have to wait
to take a pregnancy test.

You may wanna get
some more of those too.

Where's Emma?

Oh, my God, where's Emma?
Where's Emma?

Don't ask me.
I was in there canoodling you.

Okay. Okay. I'm sure that Rachel
came home early and picked up Emma.

You go look across the hall,
I'll call her cell.

- Okay.
- You better hope we're pregnant...

because one way or another,
we're giving a baby back to Rachel!

I can't believe I'm crying
in front of you.

You must think I'm so pathetic.

No, no, no, I admire a man
who can cry.

- Really?
- Don't touch my coat!

Oh. Sorry, that's my phone.

- Hello?
- Hey, Rach, how's it going?

Oh, my God,
this is the worst date ever.

Oh, come on.

Look, you know what, I'm sorry, but did
you really think that this was going well?

- What's up?
- Hey, did you stop by here?

- No.
- Oh, my God! Then...

Oh, thank God! Emma, there you are!

What? What do you mean,
"there you are"? Where was she?

Uh, we were playing peekaboo.
She loves it when I'm dramatic. Heh.

- Why the hell did you take her?
- Because you two were having sex!

- No, we weren't.
- Don't you lie to me.

I can tell by Chandler's hair. You are
so lazy. Can't you get on top for once?

All right. All right, we were.

We were trying to make a baby.
Monica's ovulating.

It is unacceptable that you'd
have sex with Emma in the next room.

- I'm gonna have to tell Rachel about this.
- No, please don't. She will kill us.

Hey, I gotta. Unless...

Unless what?

Unless you name
your first-born child Joey.

- What? Why?
- Hey, I may never have kids...

and somebody's gotta
carry on my family name.

Your family name is Tribbiani.

Oh, ha, ha. You almost had me.

- Well, um...
- Look...

I think I know the answer
to this question, but...

would you like to make love to me?

Really, really not.

Ah, it's just as well.

It doesn't work anyway.

All right, well, that's good to know.
Good night, Steve.

- Hey, what's wrong?
- I just had a rough night.

Oh. Crab cake?

Ugh.

- Well, what happened?
- Uh...

Well, I... It's kind of weird
to talk to you about this, but...

Monica told me you had a blind date.

Yeah.

- I did too.
- Oh.

Uh, but is it technically a date
if the other person doesn't show up?

Oh.

Oh, no. Do you think she walked in,
saw you and left?

Why does everyone keep saying that?

If it makes you feel any better,
I wish my date hadn't shown up.

- That bad?
- Well, he makes T-shirts for a living...

and he thought it would be
appropriate to give me...

this.

"Female Body Inspector"?

- What size is that?
- Ugh.

Now wait a minute.

- So they'll name their first child Joey?
- Uh-huh.

How do I get them to name
the next one after me?

It's easy. You just
walk in on them having sex.

Oh, so they owe me,
like, three Phoebes.

Oh, my God!
Look, it's Ross and Rachel!

The plan is working!

Don't do the plan laugh.

The first dates we've had in months,
and they were both such disasters.

Oh.

Huh. You know, it is weird...

that Phoebe would set me up
on a date that was awful...

on the same night Joey set you up
on a date that didn't even show.

Wait a minute.

You don't think it was intentional?

I mean, that's just stupid.

We're geniuses. Huh?

- Look at them! They're really bonding.
- They're falling in love all over again.

Oh, they see us. Oh, they look mad.

Oh, they figured it out.
They're coming. Run!

- Where?
- Mexico!

Can you believe they're still not here?

I know. A double blind date
and we both get stood up.

What are the chances?

I know, I'm so bummed.

Could we have
our free crab cakes now?

- What?
- We've been stood up.

And we want our free crab cakes.

Guys, give it a rest.
Nobody's betting on you tonight.

Although we do have a pool going
to see how long it takes that guy to cry.

I have such fat hands!