Friends (1994–2004): Season 8, Episode 9 - The One with the Rumor - full transcript

Will, an old friend of Ross' is in town and Monica invited him for Thanksgiving dinner. Will used to be really fat in high school and he really hates Rachel because she was horrible to him....

Did you know that
during pregnancy..

Your fingers swell up to twice
their size and never go back?

Oh, my God! Let me see that.

You fall for it every time.

Hey! I brought you my
old maternity clothes.

Oh, Pheebs, that's so sweet.
Oh, those are so cute!

Look. See how they expand
as the baby grows?

And after the baby's born they're
great for shoplifting melons.

Good, you're all here.
Thanksgiving, 4:00.

Guess who I invited? Remember
Will Culvert from high school?

- No.
- He was in Ross' class.



Marching band, was kind of
overweight. Really overweight.

I was his thin friend.

I don't remember. Are you talking
about your imaginary boyfriend?

No, that was Jared.

Wow. Haven't thought about
him in a long time.

Will's here on business, and he didn't
have a place to go, so I invited him here.

- That's nice.
- Oh, he's lost a bunch of weight.

He looks good. Okay, I
mean really gorgeous.

- I still love Chandler.
- Wouldn't hurt you to say it once in a while.

Just so you know, I'm not gonna
make a turkey this year..

- What?
- Phoebe doesn't eat turkey.

- Phoebe!
-Turkeys are beautiful, intelligent animals.

No, they're not! They're ugly
and stupid and delicious!

Plus, eating them is
like a tradition.



It goes back to the first Thanksgiving when
the Indians sat down with the cowboys.

Oh, right. That's when they had
that big rodeo at Plymouth Rock.

It's not just Phoebe. Will's still on a diet,
Chandler doesn't eat Thanksgiving food..

- Rachel's having her aversion to poultry.
- She is?

Yeah. Remember? I had to leave the
other day when you had that chicken.

I thought that was because
I put the whole thing..

On my hand and made it
walk across the table.

It's not worth it to make a whole turkey
for just three people. It's a lot of work.

But you gotta have
turkey on Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving with no turkey is like
Fourth of July with no apple pie.

Or Friday with no two pizzas.

Fine, if it means that much to you.
But there's gonna be a ton left over.

No. I promise I will
finish that turkey.

You're telling me you can eat almost
an entire turkey in one sitting?

That's right. Because I'm a
Tribbiani! This is what we do.

We may not be great
thinkers or world leaders..

We don't read a lot or run
fast, but damn it, we can eat!

Four wide receivers.
On third and 18.

Isn't it weird how next year there
will be a baby at the table?

Rachel's. But good to
know where you're at.

- Hey!
- Hey!

- Happy Thanksgiving.
- You too!

- Can I help?
- Yes.

Chandler usually helps,
but he's into the game.

Could you fold these napkins? I'm gonna
go across the hall to check on the yams.

No, sweetie. No, not like that.

We're not at a barn dance.

Fold them like swans. I showed
you at Christmas. Remember?

Yeah, it all just came
screaming back to me.

- So how's the game?
- I have no idea.

- What?
- I'm pretending to watch..

So I don't have to help out.

I don't believe you!
That is brilliant!

- And Monica has no idea?
- No.

Once in a while, I just
yell stuff at the TV.

Hey! What? Aw! Hey!

- Your team winning?
- Anderson just scored again.

There is no Anderson.

I wanna get in on
this. Hey, Mon?

I can't help you after all. I
didn't realize this game was on.

- You like football?
- Normally, I don't.

But, you know, Green
Bay is playing.

- You like Green Bay?
- It's only my favorite bay.

- Happy Thanksgiving.
- Will, I'm so glad that you came.

You look great. You
must've lost..

150 pounds. I'll be on one
of those Subway commercials.

- A pie!
- It's no fat, no sugar, no dairy.

- It's no good. Throw it out.
- Meet some people.

This is my husband,
Chandler. This is Will.

Oh, hey. I'd shake your hand
but I'm really into the game.

Plus, it'd be better for my ego if
we didn't stand next to each other.

- This is Phoebe.
- Hi.

Hey. Wow!

Well done.

- Wanna give me a hand?
- I can't get over how great you look.

- You look incredible too. You're so fit.
- I'm watching the game, but I'm not deaf.

- I meant to tell you, Ross is coming.
- Great, I love Ross.

Good. And Rachel Greene too.

- Is there a problem?
- No. It's okay.

It's just.. God, I hated her.

- What?
- I hated her.

She was horrible to
me in high school.

But hey, that was a long time ago. I'm in a
good place. Might be fun to see her again.

Got any cakes or
cookies or something?

No, Will! No!

It's been a while since we
screamed. Maybe we should.

- Oh, okay. No!
- Come on!

Damn you, ref! You burn in hell!

What are you doing? You've
got an entire turkey to eat.

Let me explain to you how
the human body works.

I have to warm up
my stomach first.

- Eating chips is like stretching.
- Okay.

- Don't worry, Tribbianis never get full.
- I'm here to tell you something.

You can eat and eat, but nothing
will ever fill that void.

- Who the hell is this guy?
- This is Will, from high school. This is Joey.

- Want some chips?
- No.

- Will!
- Ross!

Hey, you came! Man, you
look incredible! Hot stuff!

- Hot stuff?
- It's good to see you, man.

Yeah. You too. So,
what are you up to?

- I'm a commodities broker.
- That sounds interesting.

- Yeah, it's not.
- Oh.

- But I'm rich and thin.
- Oh.

I haven't seen you since Lance
Davis' graduation party.

That was such a fun night.

Would've been good if we had
gotten in, but still fun.

We were lame. Do you remember
how into dinosaurs we were?

- Yeah.
- So, what do you do now?

So how long are you in town?

- Hi.
- Hey, sweetie. Oh, good.

Rachel Greene.

Oh, that's right. Are
you gonna be okay?

Oh, I'll be fine. It's just.. God,
I hate her, Ross! I hate her!

High school was a long time ago.

Look at her standing
there with those yams.

My two greatest enemies: Rachel
Greene and complex carbohydrates.

Oh, my God. Who is that?

- That's Will, from high school.
- Oh! I do not remember him.

Wow, really got that sexy
smoldering thing going on.

Oh, my God. Look at the way
he's just staring at me.

He's trying to mouth
something to me.

I hate you!

- Okay, dinner's ready!
- Okay!

- Solid effort. Solid effort.
- Oh, so who won?

- Green Bay.
- Detroit.

- What?
- The Lions technically won.

But it was a moral victory
for the Green Bay Mermen.

Hi! Will, right? Right,
hi. I'm Rachel Greene.

- Oh, I remember you.
- Really? Aren't you sweet?

I gotta tell you, I'm having
the hardest time placing you.

Hang on! I think I remember you.

Did we fool around at Lance
Davis' graduation party?

- You are unbelievable.
- Thank you.

Rachel? Why don't you sit here?
And Will, you sit way over there.

That's it? Even if nobody helps
me, I can eat that. No problem.

- At least give me a challenge.
- This is Chandler's chicken.

This is the turkey.

Oh. How big is that?

- About 19 pounds.
- It's like me when I was born.

- Who would like some yams? Will?
- You'd like that, wouldn't you?

What? Oh, can we please
keep the chicken..

And the turkey on
the other side?

- The smell is just..
- Typical.

- What?
- I said it was typical.

Typical of you. Queen Rachel does
whatever she wants in Rachel-land.

Seriously, who is this guy?

Sorry, do you have
a problem with me?

- I don't know. Do I? Do I?
- I think you do.

You were a little mean
to him in high school.

- A little mean? You made my life miserable.
- I had no idea. I'm sorry.

Well, you should be. Screw
it. Bring on the yams.

But you worked so hard.

- Yams!
- Okay.

I'm real sorry for whatever I
did to you in high school.

It wasn't just me.
We had a club.

- You had a club?
- The "I Hate Rachel Greene Club"!

So you all just joined
together to hate me?

- Who else was in this club?
- Me and Ross.

No need to point. She
knows who Ross is.

- You were in an "I Hate Rachel" club?
- Yes, he was.

No, no.

- So who else was in this club?
- That exchange student from Thailand.

But I don't think he
knew what it was.

You guys were cool.

So, Ross, we went
out for two years..

And you never told me you were
in an "I Hate Rachel Club"?

You went out with
her? We had a pact.

- It's not like it was binding forever.
- It had the word "eternity" in it.

I'm thinking of joining
an "I Hate Turkey Club."

Although, I do love
a turkey club.

Monica? Did you know about this?

I didn't. Is that why you used
to lock the bedroom door?

- Yeah.
- A little relieved, I gotta say.

Look, Rach, I'm sorry, okay?
I was a stupid kid, okay?

- The only reason I joined..
- Cofounded.

Cofounded.

Cofounded the club, was that
I was in love with you.

I didn't handle it very well. If you think
about it, the "I Hate Rachel Club"..

Was really the "I
Love Rachel Club."

Except that it was really
the "I Hate Rachel Club."

So you'd get together and
say mean things about me?

- We did a little more than that.
- No, no, no.

What else did you do?

- We started a rumor.
- What rumor?

Come on, Will, just take off
your shirt and tell us.

- Ross?
- It was no big deal.

We said that.. The
rumor was that..

You had both male and
female reproductive parts.

- What?
- That's right. We said your parents..

Flipped a coin, decided to raise you as a
girl, but you still had a hint of a penis.

- Oh, my God!
- You started that?

- You heard that?
- Everyone at our school heard it!

Everyone at my school heard it. You
were the hermaphrodite cheerleader?

Oh, no!

It makes sense now. This is why Adam
Carter wouldn't go out with me.

Why Billy would just
stay in this region.

Billy's gay now, so that
one's not really our fault.

- Why didn't you tell me?
- I thought it might be true.

I was afraid that you were gonna
cry and then show it to me.

Stop staring! There's nothing
there! It's not true!

I'm afraid I'm gonna need proof.

Come on, whip it out.

You are my Everest.

- You don't have to finish.
- I do. Otherwise, what's next?

Today I can't finish a turkey, but
tomorrow I eat half a PowerBar..

Wrap it up and put it
in the fridge? No!

I gotta change my pants. What was
I thinking? Jeans have no give.

Guys, help me with the dishes.
There's a lot of pots and pans.

Honey, I'd love to, but the
second game is about to start.

Oh, yeah, the second game. More
football for the Pheebster.

- Who's playing?
- Los Angeles.

Last time I checked, Los Angeles
didn't have a football team.

Did I say Los Angeles? I meant the
team that used to be in Los Angeles..

And is now in St. Louis.
I actually knew that.

Okay, quick, name three
players on that team.

Gretzky..

Agassi..

I'm a pretty little girl.

Listen to what Sean McMahon wrote
in my yearbook senior year.

"Dear Rach, you're such a great
person." Not girl, "person."

I think you're reading a
little too much into it.

"You're a great person. Sorry
about your teeny weenie."

What do you want me to do..

Call everyone in the entire school
and tell them it wasn't true?

- Yes.
- Also, tell them I'm skinny now.

Oh! Me too!

I won't call anybody. It
was a million years ago.

I don't care. You told people
that I was half and half!

I never did anything to
hurt you in high school.

That's not totally true.

- What?
- What?

You did start that
rumor about Ross..

Making out with Mrs. Altmann,
our 50-year-old librarian.

How did you know that?

- It's true?
- No.

Yes, it is. I saw you guys going
at it behind the card catalog.

- Hey, what were you doing in the library?
- They had magazines.

Mrs. Altmann? She
also made out..

With Ta-Taka-Ki-Kek the night
before he went back to Thailand.

In high school you made out
with a 50-year-old woman?

- Hey, she didn't look 50!
- Did she look 16?

There's a picture of her
in the yearbook actually.

- Wow.
- She didn't photograph well!

She probably wasn't
familiar with the process..

Having spent most of her life
sitting for oil paintings.

How did this happen? Did she lure
you to an early-bird dinner?

I was working late in the library one
afternoon. It was just the two of us.

She needed some help
with her word jumble.

And one thing led to another.

If you must know, Anita was
very gentle and tender.

May she rest in peace.

- Didn't she walk with a cane?
- Only when it was damp!

I can't believe you told people
about this. Everybody knew?

- You know what? I'm back in the club!
- Yeah!

- Shall I call the meeting to order?
- Is everybody present?

With the exception of Ta-Taka.

- I wanna join!
- Phoebe?

I'm sorry, but I never got to be in
a club. I didn't go to high school.

But three of us would meet behind
a dumpster to learn French.

Fine, you can have your
stupid, little club.

But what you did to me is way
worse than what I did to you.

- You gave me a teeny weenie.
- Yeah!

You're just being silly.
Rachel, even with that rumor..

You were one of the most popular
girls. Everyone wanted to be like you.

One girl wanted to be like you so much, she
stuffed her pants with a Tootsie Roll.

Wow.

And Ross, if it weren't for her rumor,
no one would've known who you were.

- She put you on the map.
- As a romancer of the elderly.

Mrs. Altmann, you can tell,
she used to be pretty.

The eyes did still sparkle.

This stuff is so way in the past.
You've been through so much since then.

You got so much more important
stuff going on in your life.

Can't you just let this go?

- She's right.
- We are having a baby together.

Hold on.

- You got her pregnant?
- Yeah.

- Are you getting married?
- No.

So you knocked her up but you're
not gonna marry her. Dude.

- Anybody?
- Okay.

It's exactly how I
imagined it would be.

All right, where's that turkey?

- Those are my maternity pants!
- No, these are my Thanksgiving pants!

Well, that's it. I'm done.

Here come the meat sweats.

Well, Joey, we're all
very proud of you.

I believe we can expect a call
from the president any moment now.

- Anything we can do?
- No. Just nobody press on my stomach.

You can keep those
pants, by the way.

What you got there?
What is that, pie?

- Yeah. You want some?
- Just cut me a little sliver.

Little bigger.

Little bigger.

Are you afraid you're gonna
run out? Cut me a real piece!