Friends (1994–2004): Season 8, Episode 8 - The One with the Stripper - full transcript

Hey, I'm having dinner with my dad
tomorrow night. Do you wanna come?

Sure, yeah. He's kind of sexy.

Oh, no, I'll be there too.

So we'll come up with some kind of signal.
If it's going well, you can take off.

No, I just need you there for support.
I haven't told him that I'm pregnant yet.

Oh. Why not?

Because I know he's gonna flip out,
and I hate it when he's angry.

Rachel, this is all
so "Papa Don't Preach."

No, Phoeb, wait. He's a scary guy.
I mean, one time he caught me smoking.

He said if he ever saw me doing that
again, he'd make me eat the entire pack.

Wow. Well, I will be there.



Gosh, I'm not gonna let that man
make you eat your baby!

Hey, who is that guy?
I think I know him.

No, you don't.

Oh, my God! Monica, he's the stripper
from your bachelorette party!

Her what?

Your secret bachelorette party.

- You had a bachelorette party?
- She untied his G-string with her teeth.

Somebody stop me!

We weren't having bachelor, bachelorette
parties. We agreed that it's a silly tradition.

It's a grand tradition!

I'm sorry. They surprised me.
There was nothing I could do.

Well, you could've untied it
with your hands.

This is so unfair. The one thing I wanted was
to throw my best friend a bachelor party..

But I wasn't allowed.
All we got was a stupid steak dinner.



You went home with the waitress.

Yeah, that was a pretty good night.

I can't believe you didn't tell me.

You know that the two pillars of
marriage are openness and honesty.

I knew giving you that book was gonna
come back and bite me in the ass.

- I'll order everyone the Moroccan chicken.
- Oh, I don't eat meat.

It's chicken!

- I don't eat that either.
- I never understand you lesbians.

- So, baby, tell me, what's new with you?
- Well, actually..

Your '74 Lafite, sir.

I ordered the '75. That's a
magnificent wine. The '74 is sewage!

Why would you bring me sewage?

Is that a hard question? Are you an
idiot? Is that why you're a waiter?

This is why I told the manager
I wouldn't wait on you.

Oh, come on.
Don't be such a baby.

In case you didn't notice,
that is a scary man.

He's right, though.
The '74 is absolute piss.

This was such a huge mistake.
I can't tell him, Phoebe. I can't.

Rachel..

I'm gonna wait a couple of years,
and then the baby will tell him.

- Why? So he can get mad at the baby?
- Hey, that is the baby's problem.

- Everything okay with the waiter?
- I have no idea. I went to the bathroom.

So, sweetie, you were starting
to tell me what is new with you.

I got TiVo.

- What's TiVo?
- It's slang for "pregnant."

Well, what were you thinking
asking me to come?

Are you really pregnant?

Well, yes and no.

Except, not no.

So to sum it up, yeah.

Who is the father?
Oh, no. Please don't tell me it's her.

No, it's Ross. It's
Ross. You like Ross.

Daddy, I hope you're okay
with all of this.

Think about it. This is a good thing.
This is your first grandchild!

You're gonna be a poppy!

That's true. I'm a poppy!

I'm gonna be a poppy!

- So when is the wedding?
- The who?

The wedding.
There's going to be a wedding.

Young lady, don't you sit there and tell me
my first grandchild is gonna be a bastard!

- Tell me there's gonna be a wedding!
- February 2nd!

It was cool seeing you lecture today.

Thanks. Although it kind of seemed like
you were falling asleep.

No, I had my eyes closed so I could
concentrate and, you know, take it all in.

Yeah, a lot of my students do that.

- I've got to get going.
- Okay, I'll see you tonight?

Thanks for showing me your
semiprecious-stone collection. It's amazing.

My God, you must be good in bed.

So you and Mona, it's been a while now.
How's it going?

It's good. It's going good.

I mean, we get along great.
She's so..

- Hot?
- I was gonna say sweet, but yeah!

She's okay with the baby?

I haven't actually told her yet.
I don't wanna scare her off.

You have to be honest. Otherwise, you may
think you're going down the same path..

But you're really going
down different ones.

I'm gonna take that book and I'm
gonna beat you to death with it.

Oh, my God, you are gonna
love me so much.

Oh, good. Because so far in this
marriage, I just like you a lot.

All right. I felt bad about
the bachelorette party thing..

So tonight you're gonna have
a bachelor party.

I got this number from this guy at work and
I hired a stripper to come dance for you.

Am I going in the wife
hall of fame or what?

- Honey, that's crazy. I don't want a stripper.
- Will you let the lady talk?

Come on, it'll be fun.
It'll make me feel so much better.

I got you party hats and porn.

Throw in my father making out
with the magician..

And it's just like my 14th birthday
all over again.

Look, I appreciate it, but it's a little
creepy. I'm not a bachelor anymore.

Don't think of it as a bachelor party. Think
of it as a two-month anniversary present.

Sure. One year is paper,
but two months is lap dance.

Please, I feel so bad.
Just watch the hot woman get naked!

- Fine, but I'm only doing this for you.
- Yeah!

And Joey.

- Thank you. Who else do you wanna invite?
- Ross and Joey is embarrassing enough.

Actually, sorry, I can't even make it.
I'm seeing Mona tonight.

Who would cancel an actual date
just to go to a fake bachelor party?

I'm sorry.
I gotta cancel tonight, baby.

I'm sorry I won't make it to your
imaginary wedding, but I'm busy that day.

I already have a unicorn baptism
and a leprechaun bar mitzvah.

I know, I know. I panicked.

I didn't want him to start yelling at me
like I was some '74 Latour.

It's Lafite.

The '74 Latour is actually
drinking quite nicely.

All right, here he comes. I'm gonna
tell him. I'm gonna be strong.

I just called a friend of mine.

I think I may be able
to book The Plaza on short notice.

Really?

The Plaza?

Oh, Daddy!

- Right. Daddy, I need to talk to you.
- What is it, sweetie?

There's not gonna be a wedding.
Ross and I aren't getting married.

- I'm sorry, Daddy.
- I don't believe this!

- Daddy, stay calm, please.
- How do you expect me to stay calm?

This is unacceptable, Rachel.
And I wanna know why!

Is it because that punk
won't marry you?

- Is that it?
- Yes. He says I'm damaged goods.

You nervous about getting married?

What are you doing?

Let's pretend it's a real bachelor party,
before your wedding. It'll be more fun.

All right. I can't believe
tomorrow's the big day.

How's it feel knowing you're never
gonna be with another woman?

Knowing you're gonna have to wake up
to the same face every day..

Until you finally have
the sweet release of death.

You're right. This is more fun.

That's her! Okay, come on!

Which one of you lucky boys is Chandler?

That's me!

That's me.

Joey Tribbiani. Big fan.

- Is that a bedroom?
- Yeah, right over there.

All right. Whenever you're ready.

That was weird.

- Why would she go in the bedroom?
- I'm waiting.

- So she's a..
- Yeah, that's one naked hooker.

I love your place.
Where is this guy from?

That's an 18th-century Indian artifact
from Calcutta.

Oh. Wow.

So you're more than just dinosaurs.

So much more.

Oh, my God! I am so sorry!

Forget it. It's from Pier 1.

Sorry.

You think you can knock up my daughter
and then not marry her?

I'm gonna kill you!

You know, this is actually not
a great time for me.

So come on.
Explain yourself, Geller.

- First, you get my Rachel pregnant.
- You got Rachel pregnant?

- Who did?
- You did!

Yes, I did, but it was a one-night thing.
It meant nothing.

Oh? Really? That's what my daughter
means to you, nothing?

No, sir. She means a lot to me.
I care.. I love Rachel.

- What?
- But not that way.

I'm not in love with her.
I love her like a friend.

That's how you treat a friend,
get her in trouble and refuse to marry her?

Hey, I offered to marry her.
But I didn't want to.

Well, why not? So you could
spend your time with this tramp?

Tramp?

I'm sorry. Dr. Green, Mona.
Mona, Dr. Green.

I can't believe there is
a naked hooker in there!

Maybe she's a hooker
and a stripper..

But she got confused
about what to do.

Could be. I mean, technically, she
did strip. We just missed it.

Ma'am?

Are you also a stripper?

No, but I can pretend to strip.
But that's gonna cost extra.

Okay, here's the extras:
handcuffs, spanking..

Maybe Monica's playing a joke on you.

Getting her own husband a hooker.
That's pretty funny.

That is funny. Maybe for my birthday
she'll murder someone.

I'll bet Ross was in on it too.
I mean, he was "conveniently" busy.

- Do you mind if I smoke in here?
- Actually, I'd rather..

Yeah, go ahead. We're gonna have to
burn that room down anyway.

- How could you have kept all this from me?
- I was going to tell you, but..

You figure you'd get what you wanted,
then you'd dump her like you did Rachel.

Hey, I did not dump Rachel.
Nor are we still together.

Can I..?

Why don't we just let the machine get that.

Hey, Ross, it's Joey.
There's a hooker over here..

And we thought maybe you'd
know something about it.

No! No! No!

No!

I need to lie down.

Hey, guys, can I talk to you
for a minute?

Listen, again, I want to urge you
to push the duck special..

Because if they don't eat the duck,
you're going to, and it's not very good.

Tonight's the night
of the big bachelor party?

- Thanks for giving me that girl's number.
- No problem. Say, who's the party for?

- For my husband.
- You hired your husband a hooker?

- She's a stripper.
- No, she's a hooker.

- Is that what they call strippers sometimes?
- When they're hookers.

Oh, my God.
Stu, I can't believe you did this.

Now, you're sure she's a hooker?

It's either that, or she's just the best,
most expensive date I ever had.

Maybe she meant to get you a hooker.

Why would she do that?

Maybe she wants you
to learn something.

Is there anything you're really bad at,
you know, sexually?

This is the worst
bachelor party ever.

- What's taking you boys so long?
- In a minute!

"In a minute"?
What's gonna happen in a minute?

All right. Maybe you should ask her
to leave.

- Why me?
- Hey, it's your bachelor party.

- Which is why you should do it.
- I don't want to. You do it.

All right. Rock, paper, scissors
for who has to tell the whore to leave.

- What?
- I miss this.

I don't think we've
actually done this before.

No, I miss hanging out with you.

- We still hang out.
- Not like we used to.

Remember? You and me,
we used to be inseparable.

You know, now it's like
things are different.

Well, you know, things are different.
I'm married now.

And, hey, don't get me wrong,
I am so happy for you guys.

I just miss hanging out.
Just us, you know?

Yeah, I miss that too.

I'll tell you what. From now on,
we'll make time to hang out.

You got it. Come here.

Oh, God.

Listen, I am this close
to robbing you guys.

She's a hooker! She's a hooker!
She's a..

Hi. We spoke on the phone.

So your dad dropped by.

He's a pleasant man.

- Oh, no.
- I better go.

Just over here.
I don't wanna miss the fight.

Ross, I am so sorry.

I promise, I will straighten this out
with him tomorrow, in person.

Or via e-mail.

I don't care about your dad. I care about
Mona. She was there and she's freaked out!

Okay, I'll fix that too.
What's her e-mail address?

All right, I promise, I'll fix this.
I swear. I'll talk to her.

Okay. Thank you.

That's it?
You call that a fight?

"We were on a break!" "No, we weren't!"
What happened to you two?

Thank you so much
for coming back over.

Oh, good. You're here.

And I was worried that
it was going to be uncomfortable.

No, Mona, just hear me out.

First of all, I am so sorry
about my father yelling at you.

But I heard that you held your own.
You have to tell me how you did that.

- Focus.
- Okay.

Yes, Ross and I used to date.

And yes, we are gonna have a baby.

But we are definitely not
getting back together.

- How can I be sure of that?
- Because we drove each other crazy.

He was possessive, he was jealous. He could
never just let the little things go.

Trying to date this woman.

None of that compared
to how kind and gentle..

And thoughtful he is.

You probably shouldn't touch me.

I don't wanna get in the middle
of something so complicated.

I get it, but, Mona, what relationship
is not complicated?

We all have our baggage.
You must too.

Why else would you still be single?

I'm so gonna leave right now.

Should I leave this open?

I'm not sure yet. Why didn't you
just tell me about all this?

Because what's going on has nothing to do
with how I feel about you.

- You still should have told me.
- I know, and I was going to..

But I thought it was better
that you heard it from Rachel's father.

I made a mistake..

But it's only because
I really, really like you. Really.

Okay. I guess you can
close the door now.

Forgot my purse.
Oh, you guys made up.

He's a good kisser, isn't he?
I'm going!

I swear I didn't know
she was a hooker.

Did you let her smoke in here?

Her ass-print is still on your grandmother's
quilt. Really want to talk about smoking?

You know what,
I'm gonna make this up to you.

I promised you a stripper..

And you're gonna get a stripper.

- Monica, wait.
- What?

Carry on.

These tennis shoes are so tight.

- I think I'll take them off.
- Could you not narrate?

Gotcha, sailor.

Just because
you're not in love with the guy..

- You told your dad the truth.
- About an hour ago.

- Wanna go see a movie?
- Yes.

Bye, Dad.

It's unacceptable! What the hell does love
have to do with it?

There are more important things
than love.

You have to think about the baby.

You have to think about
the consequences of your decisions!

Hey, I do think about
the consequences of my decisions!

Well, what gives you the right to..?

Go to hell!

Stupid guy on my phone.