Friends (1994–2004): Season 8, Episode 20 - The One with the Baby Shower - full transcript

- Hi!
- Hey!

So, what's the final head count
on my baby shower?

About twenty. Couple people
from work had something else to do.

Your sisters called and can't make it.

What? You mean they're not coming
to a social event..

Where there's no men and no booze?
That's shocking.

I don't care, as long as my mom's here.

- Oh, my God. Your mother.
- What? My mom's not gonna be here?

Well, given that we forgot to invite her,
it would be a big coincidence if she was.

My God!

Phoebe was in charge
of the invitations.



I don't have a mother.
So often I forget..

Oh, give it a rest.

So my mother is not coming
to my baby shower?

No.

Neither is mine.

We'll take care of it. We'll call her.
You go home and get ready.

Make sure she comes.
It's important. It's my mom.

- I know. What's her number?
- I don't know.

Go. I have it in my book. Go.

If you're in charge of invitations,
why am I calling her?

Hello, Mrs. Green!
Hi, it's Monica Geller.

- Oh, hello, Monica.
- Hi.

It's last-minute, but we've decided
to throw an impromptu..

- Baby shower for Rachel today.
- My daughters told me..



When they received their impromptu
invitations a month ago.

- Okay, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
- For what, dear?

For not inviting me,
or for lying about it?

Oh, my God! My ass is sweating.

I'm sorry for everything.
Really, I mean..

There's a lot of planning
in a baby shower.

You know, things get
overlooked and..

Phoebe's mother killed herself.

Why? Did you forget
to invite her too?

Oh, you're so funny.

Please, please, can you come?
It starts at 4:00.

- Well, all right. I'll see you at 4.
- Thank you.

- Isn't it at 3?
- Son of a bitch!

Hey, Joe! Wanna shoot some hoops?

And for the record, I am not
covering the tall one this time.

Fine, but she's not that tall.

I can't go. I'm practicing. I got an
audition to be the host of a new game show.

- Cool!
- Great!

If I get it, by day
I'll be Dr. Drake Ramoray.

But by night I'll be Joey Tribbiani!

You'll be perfect for this!
That's already your name!

I know. I know.

It'd be great if I got this because you
never know what could happen on a soap.

But I could be
a game-show host forever.

Like that Bob Barker guy. He's been
doing The Price is Right for 75 years.

I bet the ratings weren't good
for the first 25.

You know, before there was television.

But the problem,
this game is really complicated.

Come on. You said the same thing
about Hungry Hungry Hippos.

And last week, you beat Ben.

Yeah. I have to be
honest with you guys.

He kind of let me win.

The audition's in a couple hours,
and I don't understand the game.

Do you want some help?

Oh, really? That'd be great.
Hey, you guys can be the contestants!

We can lose to junior-high girls
some other time.

All right. Let's play Bamboozled!

- Bamboozled?
- Yeah. Isn't that a cool name?

- Yeah!
- No!

All right. Okay.
Our first contestant is Ross Geller.

Tell us about yourself, Ross.

Well, I'm a paleontologist.
I live in New York.

I have a son, Ben. Hi, Ben! And..

I said, a little bit, Ross.
How about you, Chandler?

I'm a headhunter. I hook up
out-of-work Soviet scientists..

With rogue Third World nations.
Hi, Rasputin.

Excellent! Let's play!
Chandler, you'll go first.

- What is the capital of Colombia?
- Bogota.

It's Bogota, but close enough.

You can either pass your turn to Ross
or pick a Wicked Wango Card.

- What does a Wicked Wango Card do?
- I should know that.

Let's see. One moment, please..

Here we are. A Wicked Wango Card
determines if you go higher or lower.

Higher or lower than what?

- This is embarrassing!
- Can you believe how lame this is?

I'm sorry. I don't believe contestants
are allowed to talk to each other.

I told the stripper to be here at 5.
That's good, right?

You ordered a stripper for the shower?
That is inappropriate.

Why? He's gonna be dressed as a baby.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Green.
I'm so glad you could make it.

Thank you so much. We're so sorry.
We could not feel worse about it.

Try.

There's my little girl!

- She's still mad.
- Yeah, I know.

Isn't it great? One less
person to make small talk with.

Hey, how are you?

Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay.

Phoebe, Sandra's mad at you too.
It doesn't bother you?

We've apologized twice.
I can't do any more than that.

You hate it when people
are mad at you..

But you just have
to be okay with it.

Okay. I can do that.

- I gotta go powder my ass.
- Oh.

Look at that face! Just like when
you were in high school.

If I didn't know better, I'd say
you were a cheerleader in trouble.

- Come, let's get some tea.
- Okay.

Oh, my! Look at that.
Only three weeks to go.

Did you pick a nanny? If you use your
housekeeper, it will split her focus.

Actually, I'm not gonna use a nanny.
And I don't have a housekeeper.

It's like you're a cave person.

You must get a nanny. You don't
know how overwhelming it will be.

When you were a baby, I had Mrs. K.

Mrs. K! Oh, yeah, she was sweet.
She taught me Spanish.

I actually think
I remember some of it.

Tu madre esta loca.

Such a sweet woman.

And more important,
she became a part of our family.

That's right, Mrs. K.
What did that K stand for?

I have no idea, dear.
She was the nanny.

As great as she was,
I can't afford that.

I'm sorry. Sometimes I forget
not everyone has alimony.

- Oh, Rachel!
- What?

I just had a great idea!
I'm gonna come live with you!

What? What?

Oh, I'm so happy I'm gonna
do this for my little girl.

Look at you.
You have tears in your eyes.

Yes, yes, I do.

Ross, you're in the lead.

Would you like to take another question
or spin the Wheel of Mayhem?

The Wheel has not been
my friend tonight, Joey.

I'll take another question.

Okay. This is gonna be tough.
Hold your breath.

It's okay. I'm ready.

You gotta hold your breath
until you answer.

This is ridiculous! He's
not gonna hold his..

Okay. What do you have a fear of if
you suffer from this phobia? Triska..

Holy cow. That's a big word. Trisk..

Look at this. How do you say that?

- Let me see that.
- This one right here.

- Triskaidekaphobia.
- Fear of Triscuits!

- No! No. Fear of the number 13.
- Fear of Triscuits?

It's possible.
They have really sharp edges.

Chandler, you're up.

I'm entitled to use my Angel Pass
for a free turn.

Yes, yes. But you can only use
it once, so choose wisely.

This is tricky.

I mean, I am in the lead, but I would
love another shot at the Golden Monkey.

- This game makes no sense!
- You're upset because you're losing.

Oh, come on, Ross.
I think we're all losers here.

I would like to hang
on to my Angel Pass please.

You can either spin the Wheel
or pick a Google Card.

Let me think, let me think.
Oh, I don't care.

You must choose.

- Either. It makes no difference.
- Choose, you jackass.

- I'll take a card.
- You picked the Gimme Card!

- You get all of Ross' points!
- What?

This game is kind of fun!

You don't think it's crazy that
you get my points..?

The contestants aren't supposed
to speak to each other.

Now, do you wanna start
opening presents..

Because it seems like people
are getting itchy to leave.

And when I say people,
I mean me.

- Why did you invite my mother?
- What?

She wants to move in with me and Ross
to help take care of the baby.

- For how long?
- Eight weeks.

I love my mother, but, my God,
a long lunch with her is taxing.

I'd be honored if she wanted
to live with me.

She can't hear you.

What am I gonna do?

If you don't want her to move
in with you, just tell her.

You're right.
I'm about to have a baby.

I can say I don't want
her sleeping on my couch.

She'll wanna sleep in my bed.
This can't happen.

That is right.

Tell her you don't want her
to live with you.

Do not take no for an answer.

This is great! Now she's
gonna be mad at Rachel!

And I'm just gonna swoop in there and
be like the daughter she never had.

Oh, honey, you have
to let it go.

Okay.

Who doesn't accept an apology?

I mean, it's just so simple.

"I'm sorry, Sandra."
"That's okay, Monica.

I forgive you.

And by the way, you're very pretty."

I have new respect for Chandler.

All right, everybody!
It's time to open the presents!

Yes! The first gift
that Rachel opens..

Should be from the grandmother.

Because you're the most important
person in this room! And in the world!

I don't have a gift because I wasn't
invited until the last minute.

But thank you so much, dear, for
bringing that to everybody's attention.

How about you less important people?
Let's open your presents!

- It's okay that you didn't get a gift.
- I kind of did.

Me! Eight weeks of me.

Okay. See, Mom,
the truth is, I can do this on my own.

I know you're gonna be a terrific mom.

But you need help at the beginning.

I know what I'm doing.
I can handle it.

Really? Remember Twinkles?

He was a hamster.
I'm not gonna vacuum up my baby!

Okay, come on, Rach.
It's present time!

You're the glue holding
this party together.

It's kind of falling apart here.

- Oh, look!
- Wow!

This is from your friends at work.

Oh, my gosh! Oh, wow!
Oh, I know what this is.

Wait a minute.

That can't be right.

Is that a beer bong for a baby?

Darling, that's a breast pump.

Did I say I was done guessing?
Okay, thank you for that.

Oh, wow! What's this?

- It's a Diaper Genie.
- It dispenses clean diapers!

It's where you put dirty ones.

Why don't you take it outside
and throw it in a dumpster?

- You're gonna do that 10 times a day?
- What, it goes 10 times a day?

Are we feeding this baby Indian food?

No, dear. That's what babies do.

Rachel, listen to your mother.
She is very smart.

What will you do with the baby
while you trot out to the garbage?

I don't know,
I'd leave it on the changing table?

- What? What did I do? What did I do?
- You can't leave a baby alone.

Of course, I know that!

Of course you never leave
a baby alone.

It would.. She wouldn't be safe.

Not as safe as she would be
with me, the baby dummy.

Opening the presents is a little
overwhelming right now.

I'm gonna maybe open
them all a little bit later.

Thank you for coming,
for the gifts..

- And this basket is beautiful.
- It's actually a bassinet.

Okay, Mommy, don't ever leave me.

In what film would you hear this line:
"We don't need no stinking badges!"

- Treasure of the Sierra Madre!
- Correct! Backwards Bonus.

- Madre Sierra the of Treasure!
- Yes!

What? There's extra points for that?

Fair not that's!

I'd like to go up the Ladder of Chance
to the Golden Mud Hut!

- Wise choice. How many rungs?
- Six!

- That noise can only mean one thing.
- Hungry Monkey!

- I'd like a Wicked Wango Card.
- It's an audio question.

Name this television theme song:

Oh, my God. I know this.
Give me a second.

- Tell it to the Time Turtle!
- Shut up!

- "I Dream of Jeannie"!
- Yes! Back in the lead!

I'd like to spin the Wheel.

Oh, come on!

Super Speedy Speed Round.

- Is there a Hopping Bonus?
- Of course.

- Who invented bifocals?
- Ben Franklin!

Correct. Which monarch ruled
Great Britain the longest?

Queen Victoria!

You forgot to switch legs between
questions. No Hopping Bonus!

Every time!

- Yeah. Now over to Chandler.
- I'd like a Google Card.

- Are you sure?
- Yes! No! Google!

Oh, my God! Congratulations, Ross!
Because, Chandler..

- You've been Bamboozled!
- No!

- Yes!
- This is the best game ever!

You'll stay as long as I need you?

- Of course.
- I swear I'm not an idiot.

I read books on pregnancy
and giving birth.

I didn't think to read about what
to do when the baby comes.

And the baby's coming..

And I don't know what to do.
Oh, can I throw up in my Diaper Genie?

Sweetie, you're gonna be fine.

- Where you going?
- I'm going to the bathroom.

Now, don't worry.
Everything's gonna be okay.

It is gonna be okay!

Worth a shot.

Hey! Why are you all red and sweaty?

I just Bamboozled Chandler!

Which is not a sexual thing.

- Well, that was a quick shower.
- Not if you were here.

Looks like we got a lot of good stuff.

We did. My mom got
us the greatest gift of all.

A Play-Doh Barbershop?

No. She's going to live
with us for eight weeks.

What?

Yes! She's gonna help us
take care of the baby!

You're not serious!

She's a very nice woman,
but we can't take eight weeks of her.

- She'll drive us crazy..
- Hi, Ross!

Hey, roomie!

Hey, I'm Ray.
I'm the producer of the show.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Ray.

This is Duncan and Erin.
They're gonna help with the audition.

- Right, Ray.
- Whenever you're ready.

Hello. I'm Joey Tribbiani.
Let's play Bamboozled!

Erin, first question. In hockey,
who is known as "The Great One"?

- Gretzky.
- Correct!

Want to pick a Wicked Wango Card
or spin the Wheel?

Didn't your agents give
you the revised rules?

We've eliminated all that.
No wheel. No cards.

Why?

It was too complicated.
People didn't follow it.

Complicated?! Spin the Wheel
to go up the Ladder of Chance..

Through the Rainbow Ring
to the Golden Monkey.

You yank his tail,
and you're in Paradise Pond!

Yeah. All that's gone.

It's a simple
question-and-answer game now.

Well, what's fun about that?

You expect me to host a boring game
of people answering questions?

Women in bikinis hold up the scores.

Let's play Bamboozled!

So I thought we'd put the
changing station in the living room.

I thought I'd bring in my decorator
because I feel like I'm at my best..

When surrounded by jewel tones.

Sure, who doesn't?

Oh, and all those dinosaur
knickknacks you have..

They might be more at home
in the garage.

- Well, we don't have a garage.
- Did I say garage? I meant garbage.

You know what? Maybe it's not
absolutely vital that you live with us.

- Well, Rachel needs help with the baby.
- I really do. I don't know anything.

I'm sure that's not true.

Oh, no?
Do I know anything about babies?

- No. Not a thing.
- It's frightening.

Even if she doesn't
know anything, I do.

And I'll be there to show her.

That's exactly what
Rachel's father told me.

Know what he said
at the first 3 a.m. feeding?

"I'm tired. You take care of it."

Which I later said to him
when he wanted to have sex.

Well, I'm not Rachel's dad.

And no offense, but he's an ass.

I do like you, Ross.

I have a son. His mother
and I didn't live together.

When he was with me, I took
care of him all the time, by myself.

- That's true. You do have another child.
- Yeah.

With another woman.

Have you no control, Ross?

That's a different issue.

The point is, when the baby comes,
I will be there to feed her..

And bathe her and change her.

I want to do all those things.

- You don't need me to live with you.
- Yes!

Yes. You're gonna be so missed.

- You'll be a great father.
- You'll be a wonderful grandma.

Hello? I still don't know
what the hell I'm doing!

Every first-time mother
feels that way.

You're gonna pick it up. Hey, you will.
Look, when you first came to the city..

You were a spoiled, helpless little
girl who used Daddy's credit cards!

I hope you're going
somewhere with this.

Look at you.
You're this big executive.

You are more capable
than you give yourself credit for.

I have no doubt you're gonna
be an incredible mother.

- Really?
- I'm telling you.

Thank you.

All right. I'm gonna get going.

No, sweetheart, stay put.

I'll let myself out. It's like I'm
not here. Which I almost wasn't.

You're just so funny. You're so funny.
What do I do?

Nothing. You have apologized
to her, like, a million times.

And she's been nothing
but terrible to you.

You just threw her daughter a lovely,
albeit slightly boring, shower.

- And she hasn't even thanked you for it.
- You know what? You're right.

If you wanna say anything,
I'd tell her off.

Really?

Okay, I will.

Mrs. Green?

Mrs. Green?

It is rude to leave a party without saying
goodbye to the host.

When someone apologizes to you,
the decent thing to do is to accept it.

What I did wasn't on purpose.

But what you're doing to me now
is plain spiteful.

- Spiteful?
- That's right.

It's time you took a good
look in the mirror, young lady!

Old lady!

Lady!

Wrap it up. Wrap it up. Wrap it up.

So whenever you're ready to apologize
to me, I will forgive you.

Good day.

I can't feel my legs!

You were fantastic!
I'm so proud of you.

- Yeah? I'm proud of me too.
- You should be.

- Could you get me something to drink?
- You got it!

Mrs. Green? Okay, I'm really sorry!
I apologize. If you..

Okay! I bit my tongue!

But I'm still really sorry!

- Okay, I'm ready.
- You sure?

I've done my studying,
and I know my stuff.

All right, then.

Rachel Green,
let's play Bamboozled!

How do you test the temperature
of the baby's bath water?

- Put your elbow in it.
- Excellent!

- How do you put a baby down for a nap?
- Full, dry, on its back, no loose covers.

Correct!

There's a hopping bonus here,
but I don't suggest you take it.

Okay.

This is an audio question. What do
you do when a baby makes this sound:

Check if it's wet or hungry, burp it.

Excellent! Now do you want another
question or a Wicked Wango Card?

- A card! A card! I pick a card!
- Oh, I'm sorry.

You've been Bamboozled!
You're gonna be a terrible mother!

I've lost sight of why we're doing this!

Please don't walk away.

I've gone too far.