Friends (1994–2004): Season 8, Episode 21 - The One with the Cooking Class - full transcript

- Hey. I got some bad news.
- What?

That's no way to sell newspapers.
Try, "Extra! Extra! Read all about it!"

No. Monica's restaurant got a horrible
review in the Post.

I didn't want her to see it, so I ran
around and bought all the copies.

Two, four, six, one million.
Yeah, you got them all.

This is bad.
And I've had bad reviews.

I remember my first good one:

"Everything else in Our Town
was terrible.

Joey Tribbiani was abysmal."

Oh, my God!
Look at all the newspapers.

It must be a good review. Is it great?



Oh, dear God.

But the good news is, no one
in a two-block radius will ever know.

- And the rest of Manhattan?
- They all know.

Oh, my God, this is horrible.
I'm so humiliated.

They say there's no such thing
as bad press.

You don't think that "the mahi-mahi
was awful-awful" is bad press?

I didn't write it.

- God, is he right? Am I awful?
- Oh, no!

Monica, listen to me.

I'm not just saying this
because I'm your friend.

Your food is abysmal!

- Ross?
- What? What?

- I am freaking out!
- Are you?

My due date is in one week!



- What are you doing up?
- That is seven days.

I had a lot of water.
Can we do this after..?

No, no, no, no, Ross!

We don't have any big stuff we need.

We don't have a
changing table or a crib.

- We do not have a diaper service.
- Funny you should mention diapers.

- I'm serious.
- There's nothing to worry about.

There's a baby store on West 10th.
We'll go there..

- And get everything we need. Okay?
- Okay. Thank you. That's great.

Where on West 10th?
There's a shoe store..

Okay. If you're gonna do this,
then I'm gonna go do that, so..

- Wait, Ross! I'm sorry, one more thing.
- Yeah.

Our situation, you know,
what we mean to each other..

And, I mean, we're having this baby
together and we live together..

Isn't that..? Isn't that weird?

Well..

I'm just kidding. You can go pee.

Did we say we were gonna meet here
or at the movie?

- We said at the movies, but..
- I'll see you there.

- Now that you're here..?
- I'll hang out till I have to meet you.

- How come you're not going?
- I've got a job interview.

- I thought you already have a job.
- And they say you don't pay attention.

It's a better job.
It's vice president of the company..

That does data reconfiguration
for other companies.

- Wow. How do you know how to do that?
- That's what I do now.

- Joey? Come taste this.
- What?

Remember the guy that gave me
a bad review? Well..

I'm getting my revenge.

You cooked him?

No. He teaches a course
at The New School..

I want to make him try
my bouillabaisse again.

I can't wait to read the front
page tomorrow:

"Restaurant reviewer admits:
'I was wrong about Monica.'"

The front page?

You really do live in your own
little world, don't you?

- I better get to my movie.
- Oh, yeah.

If I'm going to the movie
and you're going to the movie..

Why don't we just go together?

How's that for data reconfiguration,
huh, Chand?

My name's Katie if there's
anything else you need.

Oh, God, I don't know. I want.. Everything
is so great, I just want everything.

Oh, look at this. We need this!

- What is it?
- I don't know.

Have you ever had two people
who weren't wearing crowns..

Spend this much money here?

You have selected a lot of nice things.

You want these delivered,
Mr. and Mrs. Geller?

- Oh, no, no.
- No, no.

- We're not married.
- We are having a baby..

But we're not involved.

I mean, we were seeing
each other a while ago..

But then we were just friends, and
then there was one drunken night..

Or, yes, stranger,
we'd like this delivered, please.

- Can you fill out this address card?
- Oh, okay.

- You picked out a lot of dinosaurs.
- Yeah.

That's one of the reasons
why we're not a couple.

I chose those. I'm a paleontologist.

Really? That is so cool.

Don't get too worked up. It sounds
like he's a doctor, but he's not.

No. I'm fascinated by paleontology.

- Have you read the Walter Alvarez book?
- I teach it in class.

Standing at a cash register, I'm
holding a credit card, and I'm bored.

I love your neighborhood.
There's a great gym around the corner.

- That's my gym.
- I could tell you work out.

A paleontologist who works out.
You're like Indiana Jones.

I am like Indiana Jones.

- Hi, Pheebs.
- Hey! Oh, how did baby shopping go?

Great! We got everything we needed.

Oh, and Ross almost got
something that wasn't on the list.

A whore.

What?

We were paying, and this sales
woman just started flirting with him.

Can you believe that?

- Did she know you two weren't married?
- Yeah.

Oh, my God. Well, the idea..
A woman flirting with a single man?

- We must alert the church elders.
- No.

You don't understand.
You didn't see how brazen she was.

- Sounds like you're jealous.
- No, I'm not.

I just think it's wrong.
I mean, here I am, about to pop..

And he's out picking up
some shopgirl at Sluts-R-Us?

Is that a real place?

Are they hiring?

Hey, Phoebe. Fatty.

Why so fancy?

I got a job interview.

It's more money, and I'd be doing
data reconfiguration.

- I think I know someone who does that.
- Me. I do that.

So do I look okay? I'm nervous.

Oh, yeah. You look great.

You know, just don't
get your hopes up.

- Why not?
- Well, the interview.

- Yeah?
- You know.

You don't make a very good
first impression.

- What?
- Oh, you don't know.

- Are you serious?
- When I first met you, you were like:

I was like:

What is it that I do?

It's just, like, you're trying too hard,
making jokes..

You come off a little needy.

Did you like me when we first met?

Chandler, I'm not gonna lie to you.
But I am gonna run away from you.

She's put on so much weight.

There he is.

That smug bastard.

Okay, class.
We'll see you next time.

There he is.

Hi. I'm Monica Geller,
chef at Allessandro's.

Still?

The things you said were unfair..

And I want you to try
my bouillabaisse again.

I don't see why I'd do
that to myself again.

Either eat it or be in it.

Spoon?

- What do you think?
- I'm torn..

Between my integrity
and my desire to avoid a beating.

But I must be honest.
Your soup is abysmal.

Thattagirl! We should get out of here,
there's a new class coming in.

Welcome to Introduction to Cooking.

Can anyone tell me the difference
between hollandaise and bearnaise sauce?

- I can.
- Okay, go ahead.

Well, they both have a egg yolk
and butter base.

But a bearnaise has shallots,
chervil, and most importantly, tarragon.

Very good. What's your name?

- You go to the head of the class!
- Okay!

This stuff takes up a lot of room.

How serious are you about keeping
Ben in your life?

My son? Pretty serious.

Hi, Katie.
What are you doing here?

The delivery went out
and they forgot this.

It must have been obvious, since it
was the only thing left in your store.

Listen, to be honest, home deliveries
aren't really part of my job description.

Oh, I actually came here
to ask you out.

Oh. Wow.
Yeah, that sounds great.

I'm just gonna put this back in my
pocket and pretend that didn't happen.

I'm free now.
You want to get coffee..?

- Sure.
- Horny bitch.

No, you're a horny bitch!
No, you're a horny bitch!

No, you're a horny bitch!

You guys have a good time.

I'm just gonna grab my coat.
And my whip.

You know, because of Indiana Jones.

Not because I'm into S & M.

I'm not into anything weird, you know?

Just normal sex.

So I'm gonna grab my coat.

So you had a good day, huh?
Big commission, picked up a daddy.

Are you okay with this?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, please.
You guys have fun.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Nice to see you.

Oh, and it was great to see you too.
And you look fantastic.

- Although you missed a button.
- Oh, actually, I..

Oh, okay, I see
what you're doing there.

I can't even believe this.
I really come off that badly?

It's okay. You calm down
after a while..

And then people see
how wonderful you are.

Good. Because I'm sure this
interview will last weeks.

All right, don't freak out, okay?
I will help you.

- How long before you have to leave?
- An hour.

- I can't help you.
- Phoebe..

We'll do our best. I'm the interviewer
and I'm meeting you for the first time.

- Okay.
- Hi. Come on in. I'm Regina Phalanges.

- Chandler Bing.
- Oh, Bing.

- What an unusual name.
- You should meet my Uncle Bada.

I'll let myself out.

Your alfredo's dry.
Did you use your cheese?

When you say "use," do you mean
"eat as a pre-cooking snack"?

- And the cream?
- Cheese makes me thirsty.

- Okay. Let's move on.
- All right.

Something smells good
over at Monica's station.

My God! This is amazing!
You've never made this before?

Oh, no. I don't know anything
about cooking.

I had to ask what it was called when
the water makes those bubbles.

- Hats off to the chef.
- Your mouth was full. I didn't hear.

- Hats off to who?
- The chef!

That's right!

You'll find that I don't micromanage.
I don't shy away from delegating.

That's good to know. But let's stop
focusing on what you don't do..

And focus on what you do do.

What I do do..

Is create an atmosphere of support
for the people working with me.

Nice sidestep on the "do do" thing.

- Hardest thing I've ever done.
- Oh, you gotta go!

- Don't worry. You're ready.
- Really?

Absolutely! Just fight all your
natural instincts, and you'll be great.

Monica, check these out.

Those look like cookies.

I know, yeah.
And I made them all by myself.

I mixed the ingredients,
I put them in the oven, I took them out.

Granted, I should have used
the oven mitts, but still.

Monica, my star student.

You called me that before,
so I fashioned a star out of foil.

Now, no pressure. If you like my
cookies, you give me the star.

Wow, a star!

I know you all hate me,
and I'm sorry, but I don't care.

- Okay, Joey, you're up next.
- Yeah.

Oh, my God! This is amazing!

You get an A.

I got an A? In school?
Hey, I'm a dork!

Joey, I'm so proud of you.

- I think you should give him your star.
- Excuse me?

- He doesn't know what he's doing.
- Nobody knows what they're doing.

I do. I'm a professional chef!

Oh, relax. It's not a courtroom drama.

Why are you taking
Introduction to Cooking?

Yeah!

I'm sorry. I cook at this restaurant,
Allessandro's..

And I just got a bad review.

- Allessandro's? I love that place!
- You do?

You're a great chef.
As a person you're a little..

- Oh, I'm crazy, but you liked the food?
- Very much.

Okay, then. I don't stink.
I'm a good chef! Okay.

I don't want to go. I'm having fun.

Did either of you pay for this class?

Hey, if my friend says
it's time to go, it's time to go!

I was the point person on my company's
transition from the KL5 to GR6 systems.

- You must have had your hands full.
- That I did. That I did.

So let's talk a little bit
about your duties.

My duties?

All right.

You'll be heading a whole division,
so you'll have a lot of duties.

- I see.
- But there'll be 30 people under you..

So you can dump
a certain amount on them.

- Good to know.
- We could go into detail..

No, don't, I beg of you.

All right. We'll have a definite
answer for you on Monday.

But I can say with some
confidence, you'll fit in well here.

- Really?
- Absolutely.

- You can relax. You did great.
- Yeah, thanks.

I was really nervous.
I'm told I come on too strongly.

And then it was really hard
to sidestep that "duty" thing.

Duties?

Doodies?

Poo?

Poo?

Oh, my God. This doesn't count. Okay?
The interview was over.

That was the real Chandler Bing.
This is some crazy guy.

Call security! There's a crazy guy
out in the hall!

Poo?

I'll look forward to your call.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- You're back.
- How are you?

I'm fine. But that's not important.
What's important is how was she?

It was fun. We just had coffee.

Oh, uh-huh, uh-huh, coffee,
a little rub-rub-rub under the table?

What's going on?
Do you not like Katie?

No. No, she was nice. I mean,
she was a little slutty, but who isn't?

Well, I liked her.

Of course you did. You'd date a gorilla
if it called you Indiana Jones.

Did you get a fresh batch
of pregnancy hormones today?

No. It's just that..
Katie bothered me.

Why? What was wrong with her?

There was nothing wrong with her.
She was lovely.

- Okay. So, what's the matter?
- I don't want you to date her.

Why? What, are you jealous?

Yes. And not because
I want you to go out with me.

Because I don't want you
to go out with anybody.

It's terrible to even think this
and it's inappropriate..

But I want you to be at my constant
beck and call, 24 hours a day.

I'm very sorry, but that is
just the way that I feel.

- Okay.
- What?

I won't date. I'll..

I'll be here with you all the time.

Really?

But I'm being so unreasonable.

True, but you're allowed to be
unreasonable. You're having our baby.

Oh, Ross, thank you. Thank you.

You feel better?

No, not really. You're pressing
the baby into my bladder..

And now I have to pee.

- Okay.
- Rach?

- Yeah?
- Just one thing..

We live together. You're having our
baby. I'm not gonna see anybody else.

Are you sure you don't want
something more?

Wow. I don't know, maybe..

Oh, Rach, I was just messing around.

- Like you did when I had to pee?
- Oh! I knew that.

I knew that!
I was just messing with you too!

Okay. Because for a minute
you seemed..

- No, it's just..
- Like you actually..

That's just because I'm such
a good messer!

- Rach?
- Yeah?

- The bathroom?
- Right.

I had a great time. I learned how to bake,
ate great food.

It's my first A since 7th grade and
I didn't even sleep with the teacher.

- Oh, look. Acting for Beginners.
- Yeah.

- Wanna feel good about yourself?
- What the hell!

Let's start with some basics.

Can anybody tell me what the difference
between upstage and downstage is?

Yeah, this was a stupid idea.