Friends (1994–2004): Season 7, Episode 5 - The One with the Engagement Picture - full transcript

- What's the matter?
- Somebody on the subway licked my neck!

Willy's still alive!

- What are you guys doing?
- My mom called.

They're announcing
our engagement in the paper.

- We're looking for a good picture of us.
- I'm afraid that does not exist.

There are great pictures of us.

No, there are great pictures of you standing
next to a guy who's going like this:

Oh, my God, that's the creep that
you're with at the Statue of Liberty.

I don't know what it is.
I just can't take a good picture.

Here's a great one.

- Yeah, I'm not in that.
- No, but look at me, all tan.



Why don't you go get portraits done
by a professional photographer?

That's a great idea. I bet they have
one of those wind machines.

Yeah, that's great. Next to that,
Chandler won't look so stupid.

- Chandler, what do you say?
- All right, but I'm not going.

"I'm" going.

The One With The
Engagement Picture

Dude, that reverse lay-up.

- And how about those three-pointers?
- Amazing.

And those guys were this close
to letting us play this time too.

Hey, look. Phoebe's talking
to Cute Coffeehouse Guy.

You call him, "Cute Coffeehouse Guy"?
We call him, "Hums While He Pees."

Yes, and we call Ross,
"Lingers in the Bathroom."

Hey, you guys, Hums While He Pees
just asked me out!

- I thought that guy was married.
- He is, but he's getting divorced.



Ross, maybe you know him.

It's not a club.

If he's getting a divorce,
is it such a good idea to date him?

- Hey, divorced men are not bad men.
- They have that on the napkins at the club.

- I gotta get back to work.
- You don't have to be back for a half-hour.

My assistant, Tag, does sit-ups
in the office during lunch.

I could just spread him on a cracker.

You have a crush on him,
why would you hire him?

- You know you can't date him, right?
- Oh, no, I know that.

We made a joke that we spend
so much time together...

he should call me, his "work-wife."

Soon he'll be able to call you, "that
lady he knew that got fired."

I'm not gonna get fired, because
I'm not gonna act on it.

You wouldn't mind
if he was dating someone else?

Why, is he? He is, isn't he?
He's dating that slut in marketing.

Maybe I should open
a divorced men's club.

Dude, that's so sad.

I could put a basketball court
in the back.

Could I play?

Oh, no sit-ups today, Tag?

- I just did them.
- Well, drop and give me 10 more.

What?

I had a drink with lunch.

- Did those cost reports come in?
- I filled them out last night.

Could you make me four copies?

- Sure.
- Great, thank you.

- Hey, Rachel.
- Hi, Melissa. What's up?

I'm just about to go out to the store.

Get some stuff to put in my backpack.

Dried fruit, and granola
and stuff like that.

- What's up?
- Is Tag here?

No. Why?

I was gonna talk to him
about tonight.

Really? You got a little crush
on Tag there, do you?

We've been flirting back and forth...

but I was hoping tonight it would turn
into something a little more than that.

Easy there, Melissa.
This ain't a locker room, okay.

But, you know, I remember him saying
that he had plans tonight.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yeah.

All right, back to work.

Hey, isn't that Tag's backpack?

I don't want to be known as the office
bitch, but I'll call your supervisor.

Great, that's great, Monica. Great.

Now, Chandler, you want to
give us a smile?

Okay.

- I'm sorry, is the seat uncomfortable?
- No, I am.

Chandler, I know you can do this.
You have a beautiful smile.

- I do?
- Yeah.

Maybe you don't have to smile.
Let's try something else.

- Try looking sexy.
- Okay.

Or not.

Hi, Joey, what are you doing here?

I got an audition down the street,
and I spilled sauce on my shirt.

- You got an extra one?
- Yeah, sure.

Here.

Great.

You got anything that's
not Ralph Lauren?

Yeah, I don't think so, Joe.

I guess this'll be fine.

- What are you doing tonight?
- Nothing. Why?

How would you feel about
taking out my assistant, Tag? I'll pay.

It's gonna take a lot of money for
me to go out on a date with a dude.

I'm not asking you to go on
a date with him.

Really? Because I could kind of
use the money.

He's new in town, and I know
he doesn't have any guy friends.

Take him to a ball game or something.
I'd really appreciate it.

- Yeah, okay, no problem.
- Thank you.

Ooh, hey, doughnuts!

You got a red shirt?

I know. Let's try a look...

of far-off wonderment.

Gaze into our future, and think about
our marriage and the days to come.

Chandler, what is the matter
with your face?

This picture should say,
"Geller and Bing to be married,"...

not, "Local woman saves
drowning moron."

Hey, don't laugh at him.
He's my drowning moron.

That's it, that's it!
Take it, take it!

I like this one.

It seems to say, "I love you and
that's why I have to kill you."

Can't all be bad.

Find the one where you make
your bedroom eyes.

There it is.

Oh, my God,
those are my bedroom eyes?

Why did you ever sleep with me?

Do you really want to pull
at that thread?

- I'm really having a good time.
- Me too.

Sorry that guy on the subway
licked your neck.

No, that's okay. He's a friend.

I don't mean to be presumptuous...

but I have tickets to the
ballroom-dancing finals tomorrow.

Yeah, I...

Well, I missed the semifinals,
so I think I would just be lost.

I know that it's really lame, but I got
these tickets from my boss...

Oh, no, no, no, my God!

Okay, don't freak out. I'll go.

It's my ex-wife, Whitney.

I cannot deal with her now.
That woman is crazy.

Okay, I know. Hold on.

- Hey, Ross.
- Yeah.

That's Whitney, Kyle's ex-wife,
out there.

Do you think you could divert her
so we could slip out?

What? No.

Okay, but I have two tickets to
the ballroom-dance finals.

I don't think so, Pheebs.

All right, I'll do it.

- But just because you're a friend.
- Okay.

Hi, Ginger.

I want my key back.

- I don't have it.
- It's right there.

Okay, Sherlock.

I'm sorry,
but you'd better go, Pheebs.

I just wanted to thank you, though,
for diverting Kyle's ex.

You're welcome.
We'll talk about it later.

- Hi, Whitney.
- Hi, Ross.

- Are you ready for breakfast?
- Yep.

Kyle's ex-wife? You were supposed
to divert her, not date her.

Can you give me a second
while I talk to this woman...

who, by the way, did not
spend the night?

- Sure.
- Okay.

I did divert her, and we ended up
having a great time, okay?

Watching ballroom dancing?

Yes, that's where we realized
we were both super-cool people.

Look, Kyle just told me
some really bad stuff about her.

- Like what?
- Like she's really mean...

and she's overly critical and...

She will paint a room a really bright
color without even checking with you.

Okay.

And she uses sex as a weapon.

Thank you for warning me.

At breakfast, I'll be on alert for
room painting and sex weapons.

- You're still gonna go out with her?
- Yeah.

Well, didn't you hear
what I just said?

Pheebs, come on.
I mean, consider the source.

Of course her ex-husband's gonna say
that stuff. Now, if you'll excuse me.

Listen to me, she is crazy!

Your door isn't soundproof.

You see? Nothing is good enough
for her.

- Excuse me.
- He's not here!

My God, do you people have
nothing better to do...

than to traipse into my office
and just gawk at my assistant.

I'm Emily from upstairs.

Susan's still in the hospital, and I'm
collecting money to send her flowers.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Okay. Yes, of course.

Just take it all. Take it all. And
please, please, give my best to Emily.

I'm Emily.

Yeah. No, I meant...

the other one that you said.

- Morning.
- Hi, Tag.

- Did you have fun with Joey last night?
- Yeah, we went to the Knicks game.

That's nice.

Then we went to a bar, and he
hooked us up with all these women.

Women? You mean, like old women?

Kind of old, like 30.

I never used to be able
to just talk to girls in bars...

but I got like 20 phone numbers
last night.

That's great.

Joey must have really taught
you some stuff.

A little.

How you doing?

See? That's a great smile.
Easy, natural.

Now pretend I have a camera.

- You're changing it.
- I can't help it.

You want to know what I do
when I take r?sum? shots?

Borrow money from me?

Yeah. Okay, first of all,
you want to make it look spontaneous.

So here's what I do. I look down,
look down, keep looking down.

Then I look up.

See? Now you try.

Look down. You're looking down.
Keep looking down.

Why is there jelly on your shoe?

I had a doughnut.

So I heard you had some fun
with Tag last night.

Yeah, that guy's all right.

Yeah, and you had fun teaching him
how to be all "Joey."

- What?
- You know, all the women.

You can't teach someone
to be good with women.

That's why I never had
any luck with Chandler.

I'm right here.

Would you mind just not
going out with him again?

Just the idea of you, and he,
and all these women...

I know he's my assistant,
and I can't date him!

But it just bothers me, all right?

No, no, no, you can't take him
away from me.

I got a great partner to pick
up girls with. Finally!

I'm still right here.

Will you at least talk to him...

and tell him how hollow and unsatisfying
this dating-tons-of-women thing is?

What?

I just don't want him to meet anybody
until I'm over my crush.

And I will get over it.

It's not like I love him.
It's just physical.

I get crushes like this all the time.
I had a crush on you at first.

I know. Monica told me.

Did you have a crush on me
when we first met?

Yeah, sure.

Can you people not see me?

Will you talk to him?

- I don't know, Rach.
- I'll give you 10 free Ralph Lauren shirts.

One.

No, 10. You said 10.
You can't take that back.

You wanted to talk to me?

I don't know.
You got something for me?

Yeah, this is from Rachel.

Ten. Okay.

Tag, there's such a thing
as too many women.

- Really?
- Yeah, for you.

Hey, how much would it cost
to get a big fan in here?

- Hey, there you are.
- There I am.

- You okay?
- Yeah, Joey said I needed to relax.

So he gave me an antihistamine.

What?

I fell asleep on the subway
and went to Brooklyn.

Brooklyn is far.

What were you thinking?

But don't worry, because
I know how to take a picture now.

Okay, see. Look down.

Look down.

Look down.

- Chandler?
- Yeah?

- Hi.
- Hi.

How are things going with Crazy?
Has she cooked your rabbit yet?

Listen, you are hearing one side
of the story. Okay?

FYI, she must have shown Kyle
over 30 paint samples...

before she painted that room.

And his response to each one was,
"I don't give a tiny rat's ass."

Maybe she should have spent
a little less time decorating...

and a little more time
in the bedroom.

I don't think we are going
to have that problem...

but maybe that's just because
I am not emotionally unavailable.

You think he's
emotionally unavailable?

I think he can be.

Maybe he wouldn't be...

if she didn't bring the office
home every night.

Excuse her for knowing
what she wants to do with her life.

Well, she certainly knew what
she was doing New Year's Eve, 1997.

I knew you were going
to throw that in my face!

That was three years ago.
She apologized and apologized.

What more do you want?

We want the last six years back!

So do we! So do we!

I'm sorry you had to see that.

- Morning, Rachel.
- Hi.

Hey, so, what'd you do last night?

- Went out with Joey.
- Yeah?

Another night of bird-dogging
the chicas?

No, we had a really good talk.

I don't think I'm gonna do
that bar scene anymore.

Wow, I did not see that coming.

It's just not really who I am.

I've always been happier when...
Why am I telling you this?

- You don't care about this stuff.
- Yes, I do.

You were saying,
"I'm happier when I..."

When I'm in a relationship.

- I love having a girlfriend.
- Really?

Someone I can spoil, you know.

Spoil?

Let me ask you something.

Do you believe there's one perfect
person for everyone?

I'm starting to.

If that person's in your life,
should you do something about it?

Yes. Hell, yes.

All right, then, it's settled.

- I'm getting back together with my ex.
- I would love to!

What?

Hello?

This is gonna be a while. Excuse me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My God!

Oh, I'm sorry. Is that annoying?

And speaking of being selfish in bed,
how's Whitney?

Maybe she wouldn't have to be
selfish in bed...

if someone else knew where
everything was.

Oh, he knows.

For the most part.

Oh, hey. Good, you're both here.

We kind of need to talk.

- Both of you, together?
- What's up?

Well, I went over to Kyle's last night
to pick up a few things...

and we got to reminiscing.

We talked most of the night...

and realized the reason
we're angry with each other...

is because there are still
feelings there.

So...

Oh, just say it, Kyle!

We're gonna try again.

What about her whining,
and her constant need for attention?

I'm gonna work on that.

Right, because you're so
capable of change.

You know, he hums when he pees.

- I do know.
- Makes him miss the bowl, but whatever.

We're so sorry.

That's all right. We don't need you.
I'm over it already.

Yeah, and I don't even give
a tiny rat's ass.

Yeah, we're gonna go.

I'm sorry.

Pheebs, you were right about her.

You know, she did try to use
sex as a weapon.

Yeah, I hurt my back a little.

You know, he hums while he does
other stuff too.

We're better off without them.

Even if they break up again, you better
not let him in your sad men's club.

- Divorced men's club.
- Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

You know, Pheebs, we don't talk
that much anymore.

Yeah.

Hey, guys, check it out.

- My mom sent me the paper.
- Let's see it.

- Oh, yeah, that looks good.
- You make a very attractive couple.

- Yeah, we look great together.
- We really do.

Okay.

Imagine what our kids would look like.

We don't have to imagine.

I'm marrying her.

We'll just see.