Friends (1994–2004): Season 7, Episode 4 - The One with Rachel's Assistant - full transcript

We learned one thing, Cheese:

Cheerleaders and high explosives
don't mix.

You can say that again, Mac.

I couldn't have done it alone.
You're a genius.

Oh, yeah? Well, how come I can't get
my VCR to stop blinking 12:00?

What did you guys think?

- Hey, the phone.
- I got it. I got it.

Hold on. It's your mom.

- It's Mommy.
- That's nice.

Ma. So, what did you think?

Well...



that was okay.

It wasn't the best.

That was one
of the worst things ever...

and not just on TV.

- What should we say?
- The lighting was okay.

You got lighting last time.
Lighting is mine.

I have costumes.

That means I'm stuck with:

"So we were watching you in there
and you were sitting right here."

- What about you?
- I don't know.

I can't lie to him again.
Oh, no, I... No.

I'm just gonna press
my breasts up against him.

- And say nothing?
- Yeah, that's right.

My folks really liked it.



What did you guys think?

It wasn't that good.

The One With Rachel's Assistant

Do you think that your favorite animal
says much about you?

You mean behind my back?

You'll never believe
what happened to me today.

- I am sitting in my office...
- You guys!

Guess what my agent just said?

I'm in the middle of a story here.

Sorry, you finish.

I'm sitting in my office,
and guess who walks in.

I'm gonna be on two TV shows.

That's great.

- Joey.
- You weren't finished?

Yeah, "Guess who walks
into my office" is my story.

Ralph Lauren walked into my office.

If you're starting another story,
at least let me finish mine.

It's the same story.

It's really long.

Ralph just came in to tell me
that he's so happy with my work...

that he wants me to be the new
merchandising manager for Polo retail.

- Still get a discount on wedding gowns?
- Yeah.

I'm so happy for you.

These really are
the "days of our lives."

- What?
- Well, since you ask...

They want me back on
Days of Our Lives.

I get a big pay raise!

Oh, hey!

I'll be playing Drake Ramoray's
twin brother, Stryker.

I get to hire my own assistant.

I got a head rush
from standing up too fast.

You were at this job four years?

- That's right.
- This is all very impressive, Hilda.

I just have one last question for you:

How did I do? Was this okay?

- What?
- I've never interviewed anyone.

I've never had anyone work for me.

When I was a kid we had a maid,
but this isn't the same.

No, dear, it's not.

And I know that.

Well, thank you so much for coming in.

- Nice to meet you.
- Good meeting you.

All right.

I'm a total pro.

Hello.

Hi, yes, I'm sorry.
The models are down the hall.

I'm here about the assistant job.

Really?

Okay, well, then, all right.
Well, just have a seat there.

So, what's your name?

Tag Jones.

Go on.

That's it. That's my whole name.

That's your whole name.
Of course it is.

Okay, let's just have a look-see here.

I haven't worked in an office before.
I don't have much experience...

What are you talking about?
You got three years painting houses...

two whole summers
at TGI Friday's.

It's lame, I know.

But I'm a goal-oriented person,
eager to learn...

Just hold on a second, please.

It's for human resources. Everybody
has to. Would you stand up?

No, no, no.

Hey.

- Anyway, I should go.
- Okay. Bye.

- Hey, sweetie.
- Hi, sweetie.

What was with all the whispering?

I can't tell you. It's a secret.

Secret? Married people aren't
supposed to have secrets.

We love and respect
one another too much.

But still, no.

We should tell each other everything.
I don't have secrets from you.

Really? So tell me what happened
to Ross junior year at Disneyland.

No, I can't do that.

I'll tell you what Phoebe said.

- Okay.
- Okay.

So Ross and I
are going to Disneyland.

We stop at this restaurant for tacos.

When I say "restaurant," I mean a guy,
a hibachi and the trunk of his car.

So Ross has about 10 tacos.

Anyway, we're on Space Mountain
and Ross starts to feel a little iffy.

Oh, my God. He threw up?

No, he visited a town
a little south of throw up.

- No.
- Yeah.

Some of the employees decided
to rename the park...

the "Crappiest Place on Earth."

What was Phoebe's secret?

Nancy Thompson, from Phoebe's
old massage place, is getting fired.

That's it? I gave up my
Disneyland story for that?

That's right. You lose, sucker!

Please still marry me.

You have an assistant, right?

Did she call?

You told her I was sick, right?
Always tell her I am sick.

No, I just don't know,
how do you decide who to hire?

I have it down to two people.

One has great references
and a lot of experience.

- And then there's this guy...
- What about him?

I love him.

He's so pretty I want to cry.

I don't know what to do.

Come on, you know what to do.
You hire the first one.

Don't hire assistants because they're
cute. Do it because they're qualified.

I hear you. You make a lot of sense.
Can I just say one more thing?

Look how pretty.

Let me see.

Oh, my God.

Oh. But no.

No. You can't hire him,
because it's not professional.

This is for me, yes?

Okay, you're right.
I'll hire Hilda tomorrow.

Dumb, old, perfect-for-the-job Hilda.

Let me see.

Don't show this to Monica.

And don't tell her about the:

- Hey, Joey.
- Hey, Terry.

- Nice to see you again.
- Been a while.

Funny, these halls look smaller
than they used to.

It's a different building.

So...

Stryker Ramoray, huh?

- When do I start?
- How about right now?

Okay.

Here are the audition scenes.

I thought you
were offering me the part.

Why?

I was Dr. Drake Ramoray,
Stryker's twin brother.

Who looks more like me than me, right?

Everybody has to audition.

You know, Terry,
I don't really need to do this.

I got my own cable TV series...

with a robot.

I'm sorry, Joey.
That's the way it is.

Well...

I guess you think
you're pretty special.

Sitting up here in your fancy,
small-halled building...

making stars jump
through hoops for you.

Well, you know what?

This is one star whose hoop...

This is the star the hoop...
This hoop...

I was Dr. Drake Ramoray!

Hi, Tag. What are you doing here?

I came to thank you for not laughing
in my face yesterday.

I noticed there aren't any plants,
so I brought you your first...

There is a plant in your office.

Kind of.

- And that was there yesterday, wasn't it?
- Yeah.

I got it the same time I got that one.

Right.

So I guess I shouldn't put
"good at noticing stuff" on my r?sum?.

- Thank you.
- Anyway...

I'm guessing you hired somebody.

Well...

Gotcha.

Thanks again for meeting with me.

But I hired you.

- What?
- Yeah, you got the job.

- You're my new assistant.
- I am?

Yeah.

- I can't believe it.
- Me either.

- Rachel, thank you so much.
- Oh, big hug.

- Really?
- No, handshake.

Okay, let's get started.

First, I need you to go downstairs...

find a woman named Hilda
and tell her to go home.

- Hey.
- Hey, good, you're home.

Always nicer to hear than,
"Oh, crap, you again."

Hey, sweetie. I made you a surprise.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, tacos.

Ever since that story
I've had such a craving for them.

Did you not understand the story?

- Hey.
- Hey, what's up?

Nothing. Just figuring out
what to do for dinner.

Hey, what's that? Dinner stuff?
You making dinner?

No.

What's over there? Tacos?

No. No.

They're just... They're
ground beef smileys.

Those are tacos.

Excuse me, Mr. Mexico.

Either way, I'll pass.
Still can't eat those.

What's so funny?

I'm not laughing.

You told her!

Nancy Thompson's getting fired.

Okay, okay. I had food poisoning.
It's not like I chose to do it!

It's not like I said,
"What would make this ride more fun?"

Right. You're right, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be laughing.

I should be
laying down papers for you.

- How could you?
- I had to. We're getting married.

Married couples can't keep secrets.

I guess Monica should know
about Atlantic City.

Dude!

- What happened?
- Chandler and I are in a bar...

Did you not hear me say, "Dude!"?

And this girl
is making eyes at Chandler.

So he goes over to her and after
a minute or two I see them kissing.

Now, you're thinking "He's not the type
to go to bars and make out with girls."

And you're right.
He's not the type...

to go to bars
and make out with girls.

You kissed a guy?

Oh, my God!

In my defense, it was dark
and he was a very pretty guy.

Oh, Mon, I laughed so hard...

So hard we had to throw out
your underwear again?

Whatever, dude. You kissed a guy.

Joey, do you think your favorite animal
says a lot about you?

No, because goats can't talk.

- Hi.
- Hey.

How's Hilda working out?

Oh, my new assistant
is working out. Yes.

She happy she got the job?

My new assistant was very happy
that I hired my new assistant.

Hello.

Oh, hey! Can you hang on a second?

It's the producers at Mac and Cheese,
if you'll excuse me for a minute.

Hey, funny you should call. I was
just looking over next week's script.

Canceled!

Like they're taking it off the air?

All right. I'll see you Monday.

We're not even shooting them anymore?

All right. Bye.

They canceled Mac and Cheese!

- Sorry.
- Sorry, Joey.

Why would they do that?
It was a good show, right?

You want to tell secrets?
Okay. In college...

Ross used to wear leg warmers.

All right, Chandler entered a
Vanilla Ice look-alike contest and won.

Ross came in fourth and cried!

- I welled up.
- Oh, my God!

Oh, is that funny?
You find that funny?

Maybe Chandler should know
your secrets too.

I already told him everything.
You shush!

Once she was sent to bed
without dinner...

so she ate the macaroni off
a jewelry box she'd made.

Ross stayed home every Saturday night
to watch Golden Girls.

Monica couldn't tell time
until she was 13.

It's hard for some people!

Of course it is.

Wow.

- Chandler wore my underwear to work once!
- Hey!

I'm sorry, I couldn't think
of any more for Ross.

In college, Chandler got drunk...

and slept with the lady
who cleaned our dorm.

That was you.

Whatever, dude. You kissed a guy.

I can't believe this!

Mac and Cheese was a great show.

How about that scene where Mac
teaches Cheese how to yodel? Come on!

Yeah, I actually liked that part.

How could this happen to me?

Yesterday I had two TV shows.
Today I got nothing.

Wait a minute,
what happened to Days of our Lives?

Well, they might be a little mad
at me over there.

What happened?

Well, maybe I got a little upset, and
maybe I told them where they could go.

Joey, why would you do that?

Because! They wanted me to audition.

You? An actor? That's madness!

Rachel Green's office.

Tag.

Hi, who was that?

Nobody. I was just practicing.

Really?

- Hi.
- Hi, Rachel Green's office.

You must be Hilda.

He's Tag. This is Phoebe.
Phoebe, can I see you for a sec?

Phoebe.

- That's a great name.
- Oh, you like that?

- You should hear my phone number.
- Okay. We'll be right back.

So you hired yourself
a little treat, did you?

I know how it looks,
but I am telling you...

You can't get involved
with your assistant.

I know that, and I know hiring him was
not the smartest thing I've ever done.

But from now on,
I swear this is strictly professional.

- Yes.
- Hey, Rachel.

Hi.

Cute assistant. What's his story?

- Is he...
- Gay? Yeah.

Hey, Terry.

Joey Tribbiani.

Surprised your big head
could fit through our small halls.

- I gotta go, Joey.
- Wait, Terry! Look.

I'm really sorry about before.

I was an idiot, thinking I'm too big
to audition for you.

- Give me another chance.
- I can't.

Wait, Terry, please!

Look, I just lost my other job, okay?

You have no idea how much I need this.

Please, help me out.

For old times' sake.

This guy's been in a coma
for five years. It's hopeless.

It's not. Dr. Stryker Ramoray
is a miracle worker.

Here he comes.

Good morning.

Drake, it's your brother, Stryker.
Can you hear me?

And cut.

I'm back, baby!

You know, in my defense...

there was no glitter on
the macaroni and very little glue.

And in my defense,
the cleaning lady came on to me.

- Do you have trouble telling time now?
- No.

- Quick, what time is it?
- Time to kiss a guy?

What are you laughing at, Pampers?

You know when I said
married people...

should share everything
and not have any secrets?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that was stupid. Let's not do that.

Absolutely.

- I'm on board.
- Thank you. Thank you.

We should keep the stuff we told
each other secret from everyone else.

Yeah, definitely.

Okay. If you'll excuse me...

I'm gonna hang out with people who
don't know the Space Mountain story.

- Then I'd steer clear of Phoebe.
- Man!

Not that you would, but I wouldn't
hang out with the guys at my office.

Hi.

- Do you have a minute?
- Sure. What's up?

I got asked out twice today
while I was at lunch...

by guys.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Did you tell someone that I was gay?

Oh, did you not want people
to know that?

I'm not gay. I especially wouldn't
want you to think I was gay.

Why is that?

- I don't think I should say.
- Oh, you can say.

Come on, I don't want you to feel
like you can't tell me things.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Well...
- Yeah.

I'd love to ask out your friend Phoebe.

Yeah, she's gay.