Friends (1994–2004): Season 7, Episode 11 - The One with All the Cheesecakes - full transcript

Oh. Mm.

- Hi.
- Hey.

You have got to try this cheesecake.

Oh, you know,
I'm not that much of a sweet tooth...

- Oh, my God, it's so creamy.
- Oh.

Oh, my God. That's the best
cheesecake I've ever had.

Where did you get this?

It was at the front door when I got home.
Somebody sent it to us.

Chandler, this isn't addressed to you.

This is addressed
to Mrs. Braverman downstairs.

Thief.



I didn't read the box before I opened it...

...and you can't return a box
after you opened it.

- Why not?
- Because it's too delicious.

Chandler, you stole this cheesecake.
That is wrong.

No, no, no, it is going to be okay...

...because Mrs. Braverman
is gonna send away for a free one.

And that way, we all win.

The only losers are the
big cheesecake conglomerate:

"Mama's Little Bakery. "

I feel terrible.

I'm a horrible, horrible, horrible person.

Well, I'm sorry, what?

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I should get going. Big day at work.



You know how I'm in a coma?

Today they do a test on me and it
turns out I'm not brain-dead.

So...

Ah-ah, Mr. Smarty-Pants.

It's just my character
that's not brain-dead.

Pheebs, still on for tonight?

- Absolutely. Okay.
- All right, I'll see you at 8.

Oh, what's at 8?

Oh, I have dinner plans with Joey.

We get together about once
a month to discuss the rest of you guys.

Wow. Did not know that.

May I say how lovely you look today?

Duly noted.

Oh, so for tomorrow...

...do you want to rent a car
and drive down together or what?

What are you talking about?

Cousin Frannie's wedding.
It's tomorrow night.

You were invited?

No.

Oh, my God, I can't believe this.

I knew Mom and Dad were invited.
I thought that was it.

I mean, from the ages of 7 to 9,
Frannie and I were inseparable.

Well, maybe since the age of 9,
Frannie's made some new friends.

Look, it's probably just a mistake.
Let me call Aunt Cheryl, okay?

Maybe you are invited and the invitation
just got lost in the mail.

Yeah, well, you call her and tell her
that, you know, when we were kids...

...her precious little Frannie
tried to undress me several times, okay?

If I hadn't stopped her, there probably
wouldn't be a wedding to go to.

She tried to undress me too.

I used to undress my cousin Glenn.

Joseph Francis Tribbiani,
are you home yet?

Um, I think he's still out.
What's wrong?

Well, I'll tell you, Rachel Karen Green.

I had plans with Joey tonight,
and he left me this note.

"Pheebs, can't make it.
Got a date. Talk to you later.

Big Daddy. "

- "Big Daddy"?
- Oh, that's a nickname we were trying out.

Hey, you know what nickname
never caught on? "The Ross-a-tron. "

- Hey.
- Oh, here's Joseph Francis.

Whoa, what are you
middle-naming me for?

I left you a note.

So what? That doesn't give you
the right to ditch me.

Hey, you can cancel plans with friends
if there's a possibility for sex.

Phoebe, he's right. That is the rule.

I don't accept this rule.

When we make plans,
I expect you to show up.

Okay, I can't just be a way to kill time
till you meet someone better.

You know, boyfriends and girlfriends
are gonna come and go, but this is for life.

Wow. I'm so sorry. I had no idea
it would bother you this much.

Well, it does.

Okay, can I make it up to you? Huh?

I'm sorry.

How about dinner tomorrow night?
I'll pay for myself.

Okay, you wore me down.

Joe, while you're over there, how about
another beer for "The Ross-a-tron"?

"Ross... " Is that back?

- Hi.
- The other cheesecake came.

They delivered it
to the wrong address again.

So just bring it back downstairs.
What's the problem?

I can't seem to say goodbye.

Are you serious? Chandler,
we ate an entire cheesecake two days ago...

...and you want more?

Well, I've forgotten
what it tastes like, okay?

It was cheesecake. It was fine.

It had a buttery, crumbly,
graham-cracker crust...

...with a very rich...

...yet light cream-cheese filling.

Wow, my whole mouth
just filled with saliva. Ahem.

Know what? Forget it.
We are just hungry.

We have not had lunch.
We are just lightheaded.

So let us go out and have lunch
and forget about the cheesecake.

We'll drop it off downstairs
so we're not tempted.

Where do you wanna go to lunch?

Mama's Little Bakery, Chicago, Illinois.

Aw.

Mel Tormé died.

Joey, that paper's like a year old.

Oh, does that mean
the Sam Goody's sale is over?

- Hey.
- Hey.

So I finally heard back
from Aunt Cheryl...

...and apparently it wasn't a mistake.

Uh, there's limited seating in the hall...

Limited seating?
I am just one tiny person.

Yeah, but she doesn't know that.

I mean, the last time she saw you...

...you would've turned one of those
little wedding chairs into kindling.

"Limited seating. "
That's such a lame excuse.

That's not the reason
why she's not inviting me.

What's the big deal? I wasn't even invited
to the ceremony, just the reception.

And you know what?
If it makes you feel any better...

...Joan and I will just
make an appearance...

...and then we'll leave early
as a sign of protest.

- Joan?
- Yeah, Joan Tedeschi, my date.

She's an assistant professor
in the Linguistics Department.

Tall, very beautiful.

And despite what some people say,
not broad-backed.

Wait a minute.
You got "Ross Geller and guest"?

I wasn't invited,
and you got "and guest"?

Uh, excuse me, I do have to interrupt
on Ross' behalf.

I think the rule applies here.

Since he has a chance
to get on broad-back...

Not broad-back!

Wait a minute. You're bringing me.

What? I can't cancel on Joan.

- Why not?
- Did you not hear me?

She's an assistant professor
in the Linguistics Department, okay?

They're wild.

- Why do you want to come anyway?
- Because...

...she's my cousin.

I mean, we grew up together.

Family, you know?
And all that's important to me.

Okay, all right. I'll take you.

I'll go call Joan.

Oh, that's nice.

Family should be there.

This is her wedding.
Happiest day of her life.

We'll see. Ha, ha.

Well, thank you for lunch.

Wait a minute, I didn't pay.
I thought you paid.

So apparently,
we just don't pay for food anymore.

- Do you see what I see?
- Huh! It's still there.

Mrs. Braverman must be out.

She could be out of town.
Maybe she'll be gone for months.

By then, the cheesecake
may have gone bad.

We don't want her to come back
to bad cheesecake.

- That could kill her.
- Wouldn't want that.

No, we're protecting her.

- We should take it.
- But move quick.

- Why?
- I heard her moving around in there.

Go, go, go.

Oh, my God, that's David.

- Who?
- David, the scientist guy.

David that I was in love with.

David who went to Russia
and broke my heart, David.

Oh, my God.

Oh, you say someone's name enough,
they turn around.

- Phoebe.
- David.

What are you doing here?
Aren't you supposed to be in Russia?

Yeah, I'm just in town for a conference.

Um, God, you look phenomenal.

Well, ha, ha...

Yeah.

You look great too.
Did you get a haircut?

Yeah. Well, I got like 30 of them.

Yeah.

- Um, look, I got a confession to make.
- Uh-huh.

Um, I was hoping to run into you here.

I didn't know that I should call or not.
You know, I was only in town a few days...

...and, you know, I didn't want
to intrude on your life or anything.

But I really wanted to see you...

...but I didn't know
if you wanted to see me.

Of course I would want to see you.
I think about you all the time.

Really?
Because I think about you all the time.

- Really?
- There's a statue in Minsk...

...that reminds me of you so much.

I mean, um, it's actually of Lenin...

...but, you know, at certain angles...
- Yeah.

Anyway, do you want
to have dinner tonight?

Yes.

- Oh, no.
- Oh.

- Uh, what?
- I can't.

I can't believe I have plans. I can't.
Can you do it tomorrow?

Uh, no, I have to go in a few hours.
I have to be on the redeye.

Well, listen, you know,
next time you're in Minsk, uh...

- Phoebe? Can I talk to you for a second?
- Uh-huh.

What are you doing?

- Well, I have plans with Joey tonight.
- So? He'll understand.

No, he won't.
And that's not even the point.

Monica, I made a whole speech about
how you do not cancel plans with friends.

And now, you know, what? Just because,
potentially, the love of my life...

...comes back from Russia just for
one night, I should change my beliefs?

I should change my beliefs.

No. No, no. If I don't have my principles,
I don't have anything.

God, you are so strong.

Or I should rush through dinner
with Joey and I could meet David at 9.

Oh, my God, that is so good.

I'm full. And yet I know
if I stop eating this...

...I'll regret it.

Hey, what have you got there?

Oh, it's, um...

- It's tofu cake. Do you want some?
- Aah.

- What are you doing tonight?
- Huh?

- Uh.
- Dude. Dude.

Sorry. Uh, I got those plans with Phoebe.
Why?

Oh, really? Uh, Monica said
she had a date at 9.

- What? Tonight?
- That's what Monica said.

After she gave me that big speech...

...she goes and makes a date on
the same night she has plans with me?

I think she's trying to pull a fast one
on Big Daddy.

Here, I think this is us. Yeah.

Limited seating, my ass.

Let's just see who made the cut.

Hi. Hi. I'm Monica Geller.

- How do you know the bride and groom?
- I worked with Frannie.

Used to work with her. Used to.

I'm a relative and I didn't get invited,
okay?

A blood relative. Blood.

Stop saying "blood" to strangers.

So how about you?
How do you know the happy couple?

We went to college with both of them.
And now we live next door.

Okay, you're fine.

- Hey. Are you guys ready?
- Hey. Yes.

I will have a green salad, um,
house dressing and water's fine.

- Okay.
- And for you, sir?

Yeah. This slow-roasted salmon...

...just how slow are we talking?

It's already been roasted.

Oh, then no. Maybe I should hear
those specials again.

Oh, Joey, we've heard
the specials three times, okay?

There's prime rib, mahi-mahi
and a very special lobster ravioli.

- Actually, we're out of the lobster ravioli.
- Oh, well, that changes everything.

- You know what, Pheebs?
- Uh-huh.

You were right before.
Friends are so important.

Yeah, I'm very wise. I know.

You know what I really want?

- What?
- Is to have a long, long talk.

You know? Get Joey out on the
open road and really open him up.

- Any progress?
- Yes.

I will have the lobster ravioli.

God, Joey, this is taking forever.

- What's the rush?
- Well...

...I just have, you know, an appointment.

And it's very important.

What is it?

Well...

...it's a date.

A date? No, no, Pheebs,
you must be mistaken...

...because you wouldn't
schedule a date...

...on the night you have plans
with a friend.

Come on.
Don't make me feel badly about this.

No, I'm gonna.

That's right.
Yeah, you made me feel really guilty...

...about going out with that girl.

Like I did something terrible to you.
Now, Pheebs, you're doing the same thing.

That's not the same thing.
This is totally different.

This is with David.
Remember David, the scientist guy?

Okay, he's very special to me.

Okay, well, my girl
from the other night was special.

She was a scientist too.

- She was?
- Well, she graduated high school.

Okay, whatever. Know what?

I don't have time to convince you.

He's only here for four hours
and I'm gonna go see him.

- Fine. Fine!
- Yeah. Yeah.

What are you still doing here?
I told you, lobster ravioli.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh, I was just about to leave.
I didn't think you were coming.

Oh, I wouldn't have missed this. Ha, ha.

Well, I'm very glad you're here.

Oh, you're such a gentleman.

Come on, we're going to my place.

Are you eating the cheesecake
without me?

Mm-mm.

I will give you $100 to whistle right now.

How can you eat the cheesecake
without me?

What are you gonna do?

Gonna run and tell Monica or Joey?
No, you'd have to tell them what we did.

We are dessert stealers.
We are living outside the law.

You know what?
I don't trust you with this cake.

- And I got it first, and
I'm taking it back. -What?

- What? Oh, no, you don't.
- Oh, yes.

You think I trust you with it?

We're gonna split it.
You take half, I take half.

That's not fair. You had some.

Oh, you know what? I think Monica
would be very interested to know...

...that you called her cheesecake
dry and mealy.

- What do we use to split it?
- Okay.

- All right, pick a half.
- Okay.

- Well, this side looks bigger.
- Mm-hm.

Uh, but there's more crust on this side.

Yeah. So maybe if I measure it...

For God's sake, pick a piece.

- All right, I pick that one.
- So the smaller piece.

Okay. There you go.

Enjoy your half, my friend. But that is it.

No sharing, no switching,
and don't come crying to me...

...if you eat your piece too fast.

Oh!

- You gonna give me some of your piece?
- Oh, no.

No switching, no sharing.
And don't come crying to me.

Ha, ha. I may just sit here
and have my cake all day.

Just sit here in the hallway
and eat my...

Never met a girl that could me feel...

Ross, sweetheart.

Oh, hey, Aunt Millie.

- Isn't it a beautiful wedding?
- Yes. Yes, it is.

Every time, on the lips.

Why? Why on the lips?

There's Frannie.
Won't she be happy to see me?

Now, wait a minute.
You be nice, all right?

I didn't bring you here
so you could ambush her.

Frannie was the one who found
your Playboys and showed them to Mom.

That bitch.

Monica. What...?

Am I doing here? Surprised to see me?

Ross brought me.
How do you like that?

Hi, Frannie. Congratulations.

You invite my brother, you invite
my whole family, and not me? Why?

Why wouldn't you want me
at your wedding?

What could I have possibly done?

Stuart.

I believe you know my husband.

So it's really a question
of "who" could you have possibly done.

- I hate this, but I have to go.
- Mm-hm.

I can't miss my flight.

Are you sure? I bet there's
another flight to Minsk in...

July.

That's really beautiful.
What does it mean?

"Please clean my beakers. "

I don't get out of the lab much.

I thought it meant something else.

Yeah, well, I really actually
wanted to say, um...

...that.

But, um, I figured
I probably shouldn't because...

...you know, I have to leave.

Hmm. No, you're right. Don't say it.

I do, though.

I do too.

Well, bye, Phoebe.

Okay, now's not the time, Joey, all right?
You can yell at me tomorrow.

No, no. No, Pheebs.
I'm not gonna yell at you.

I just started thinking
about you and David...

...and I remember how bummed you were
the first time he left.

Oh, Pheebs, come here.

- Are you okay?
- No, I'm not okay.

The only guy I've ever been
crazy about is going to Minsk...

...and I may never see him again.

Hey, you could always visit him.

Oh, right.
Like they're gonna let me have a passport.

Anything I can do? Whatever you need.

Well, now...

...if you achieve positronic distillation
of subatomic particles before he does...

...then he could come back.

I could give it a shot.

Oh, look. There's a piece
that doesn't have floor on it.

- Stick to your side.
- Come on, now.

All right, what are we having?

Oh, wait, I forgot my wrap.

Oh, okay, wait here.

Hi, sweetie. Are you leaving?

- Well...
- Give us a kiss. Come on.

Why? Why on the lips?

[English - US - SDH]

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