Friends (1994–2004): Season 7, Episode 12 - The One Where They're Up All Night - full transcript

Ross, when's this comet thing start?

Well, technically, it started
7 billion years ago.

Okay. Fine, I'll stop.
No teaching, okay?

We'll just watch the pretty light
streaking across the sky.

Okay?

Whose official name is Bapstein-King.
Okay! Okay!

There it is. Oh, look at that!

Isn't Mother Nature amazing?

That's a plane.

Well, all right, 1700 bags
of peanuts flying that high...

that's pretty amazing too.



- I wonder if you can see my apartment.
- No, you can't.

- What?
- I don't know.

Man, look at all those stars.

Infinite space.
It really makes you wonder, doesn't it?

- Know what else makes you wonder?
- What?

Check out the rack on that chick.

You think those babies are real?

The One Where They're Up All Night

We've been out here for two hours...

and we haven't seen any
stupid comets. Can we go now?

I mean, Chandler's getting chilly.

No, I'm not.

Then why are you wearing
Monica's jacket?

Because it's flattering!



Come on, Monica. Come on, Monica.

- We're gonna take off too. Rented a movie.
- I won't say no to a movie.

Oh, Pheebs, we just actually
wanted to be alone.

- Get me out of here.
- Oh, okay.

- Hey, Ross.
- What?

- Check this out.
- Is it the comet?

No. Look, there's a bug
stuck in tar right here.

I can't believe...

I bring you here to see
the Bapstein-King comet...

one of nature's
most spectacular phenomena...

and all you care about are bugs
stuck in tar and some woman.

You know, there's two women, dude.

Show me where.

Okay. Right up here.

Joey, where's the pipe
that was holding the door open?

I don't know.

Yeah, I do.

- Joey!
- What? Hey, don't look at me!

You wanted to come up here and look
for some stupid Burger King comet.

It's called the
Bapstein-King comet, okay?

Hey, Bapstein was a very
well-respected astronomer from...

No!

- Monica.
- She's sleeping.

I know. Just a quick question.

Which one was Deep Impact
and which one was Armageddon?

Deep Impact was the one
with Robert Duvall.

Armageddon is what's going
to happen to you if you wake me up.

Sorry, I just can't sleep.

Where's that book you're reading
with two women who are ice-skating...

and wearing those hats
with the flowers on it.

Because every time I look
at that cover, I'm like...

It's in the living room,
where there's also a light...

and no one will
kick you in the shin.

What?

Please don't be a spaceship.
Please don't be a spaceship.

Oh, thank God.

How could you be beeping?
I just disconnected you!

I took out your battery! How can...?
Don't interrupt me!

Rachel! Monica!

Come on!

I can't believe this!

All right, well, I guess we know
what we have to do to get down.

Yeah, I guess we don't have a choice.

Help us! Please help us!

We're stuck up on the roof,
and we can't get down!

Ross.

I was thinking we'd just
go down the fire escape.

I know. I wasn't finished.

But don't worry!

We're gonna go down the fire escape!

I'm sorry, I thought I'd make some
warm milk and it would help me sleep.

With a wok?

Thought you were gonna read my book
to put you to sleep?

It got interesting.

Damn you, Oprah!

Here, let me make the milk.
I'm up anyway.

You know what we could do
now that we're up?

We could just talk
to each other all night long.

Like we did when we were
first going out. It'd be fun.

- Okay, that does sound fun.
- Yeah.

So how bummed were you
when the second sister died, huh?

The second sister dies?!

No.

No, I was talking
about the book I was reading.

The second sister dies in
Archie and Jughead Double Digest?

That's correct.

Want to go in the bedroom?
It's a little more comfortable.

- Sure.
- Okay.

Oh, wait, did you send
those contracts to Milan?

If this is your idea of sexy talk...

Did you overnight
the contracts I gave you?

What contracts?

Please tell me this is just one
of your jokes that I don't get.

Like what?

Like the thing when you
put the phone in your pants?

Tag, I'm serious.
This isn't funny.

Those contracts had to go out today.

You didn't give me any contracts.

Yes, I did. I put a little
Post-it on it that said:

"Must go out today," and I
underlined "today" three times.

Then I put a little heart in the corner
because I didn't wanna seem too bossy.

You never gave them to me.

If we went to the office, you would see
those contracts sitting on your desk.

No, I'd see you looking embarrassed
because they are not on my desk.

Maybe I'd look embarrassed because you're
talking on the phone with your crotch.

You want to go to the office now?

Come on, it's late.
We're not going down to the office.

Yeah, I understand. I wouldn't
want to be proved wrong either.

All right, get your coat!

Oh! When did you unhook this?
Nice work!

It won't go down any further.
It's stuck.

We're just gonna have to jump.

Now, we're gonna have
to make sure to land...

to the right of that
patch of ice, okay?

Not hit the dumpster
on the other side.

And try to avoid that weird
brownish-red stuff in the middle.

So when you get down there...

you go up to the roof
and you let me in.

- Wait a minute. I have to do it?
- You'll be fine.

It'll be just like
bungee jumping, you know?

But instead of bouncing back up,
you won't.

Well, what if I smack
my head on the concrete?

Well, I'm not gonna lie to you, Joey.
It's a possibility.

I don't know. Tell you what,
let's flip to see who does it.

- You call it in the air, all right?
- Oh, all right.

- Can you see what it is?
- No.

- Okay. Well, you be careful.
- No, Ross, stop it.

I'm not jumping.

Look, I have an audition tomorrow,
and I can't go if I break my leg.

Well, I'm not jumping. I have a son.
He won't have a father if I die.

So it looks like we're even.

Okay, so this wire...

is connected to this wire,
which plugs into here.

Okay, so to get the beeping to stop,
all I have to do...

Well done, Pheebs.

What do you want from me?!

Here's your milk.
What do you wanna talk about?

What? What? What?

Oh, were you sleeping, sweetie?
I'm sorry. Here.

Oh, that's so much better. Okay.

At least I can hear myself think.

God, stop singing.

Stop singing!

Okay. Feel free to look...

but I'm telling you,
those contracts are not on this desk.

How could you possibly know?
Look at this mess, Tag.

This is what I'm talking about.
You have to be more organized.

You've got newspapers,
you've got magazines, you... Oh!

And who's this chippy?

A little young for you, but whatever.

That's my sister.

Really? Very cute braces.

Anyway, you know what?
The point is, Tag, start looking...

because you're gonna find
those contracts on your desk.

So when do you imagine you gave
them to me? Morning or afternoon?

In the afternoon. Mr. Zelner
came into my office after lunch...

he put them on my desk,
and then I put a Post-it on it...

that said:

"Must go out today."

So you just keep looking
in there, all right?

They're not here.

Puzzler.

Bit of a puzzle.

Why don't you check the copy room.
Maybe you left the contracts in there.

- How could I have left them there?
- I don't know.

How can your genitals
make phone calls?

Okay? It's not a perfect world.
Just go, please?

- Fine.
- Thank you.

Hello?

I still don't get it.

You still awake?

Yeah. You?

You do know that was me
that just said that, right?

Hey.

As long as we're both up...

Yeah?

I hope you're not thinking
about cleaning the living room.

Man, I'm starving. What the hell
was I thinking at dinner?

"Do you want soup or salad?"
Both, always order both.

You know, I'm looking,
and I don't think anyone's home here.

I say we just break the window...

crawl through...

and you know, explain later.

- No one's home?
- I don't think so.

Hello?

So when you get in there...

Okay. This is where
you and I part ways.

Noisy bitch!

Oh, what? What are you doing?

Do you know what just happened?

Yeah. We had sex,
and then we fell asleep.

No. We were in the middle of sex...

and you fell asleep.

No. No, that's not true.

No, best time ever.

Yeah. You rock my world.

- Monica?
- What?

I was giving you some of
my best moves, and you missed it.

So please wake up
so we can do it right.

Okay. Okay. I'm ready.

- Come on, big fella.
- Okay.

- Give me the good stuff.
- Yeah.

No, no, no. Don't fall asleep.

Okay, I'm going
to make you some coffee.

Well, I probably won't spill coffee
grounds all over the kitchen floor.

Okay, I'm up. I'm up.

Hi. I got you some coffee to...

So you got anything for me?

- Still no luck.
- Oh, my God.

You checked your entire desk
and all the drawers?

- Want me to check again?
- I wish you would.

Well, no, it's not in there.

How about that drawer?

Well, it's not out here.
Any chance it could be in your office?

I don't know.

I mean, let me check.

Any luck?

See you in my office for a minute?

You found them!

I'm not even gonna gloat.

- I'm just really relieved that this whole...
- You put these on my desk.

- I did not.
- Oh, really?

They slid out of your bottom drawer...

crawled across the floor,
then jumped onto my desk?

How did you know
they were in my bottom drawer?

I am so hot for you right now.

Oh, my God!
How did you get back here?

Phoebe Buffay?

Fire Alarm?

Oh, hi, Officer Fireman.
Can I help you?

We found your fire alarm in the trash.

- That's not mine.
- Yes, it is.

- How do you know?
- Next time you dump a fire alarm...

don't use a blanket that says,
"Property of Phoebe Buffay, not Monica."

Do you have a search warrant?

Because the last time I checked,
this was still America.

Please reattach it.
It's illegal to disconnect them.

Fine. But please, God, tell me
how to stop it from going off?

Press the reset button.

There's a reset button?
Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Oh. There's a reset button?

My God!

Why didn't I see that?

Reset button. Reset button.

Where is there a reset button?
Oh, here it is! Oh!

Fine, you live here.
The rent is due on the 15th.

- Okay, you have a good grip?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna start to climb down you now.

- All right, just hurry up.
- Okay.

Now, should I climb down your front
so we're face to face...

or should I climb down
your back so we're...

butt to face?

- Face to face.
- I like face to face.

- Okay, here I come.
- All right.

Oh, my... How much do you weigh, Ross?

I prefer not to answer. I'm still
carrying a little holiday weight.

When we talked about face to face...

I don't think we thought it
all the way through.

- What do you want me to do?
- Just shimmy down me and drop.

- Hi.
- Hi.

You know, maybe I should hang,
and you should climb down me.

Yeah? Maybe we should talk
about that for a little while!

- It still looks pretty far.
- It's not that far. Just drop.

Do not rush me!

My pants are starting to come down,
and I'm not wearing any underwear.

My ankle! I really hurt my ankle!

I think I twisted it when...
A quarter!

That really was
some of your best work.

I told you.

I can't believe it.

I've only got two hours
until I call in sick for work.

I have to be up in seven minutes.

Well, you're not gonna believe this,
but if you have seven minutes...

Really?

You want to?

You get the vacuum cleaner.
I'll get the furniture polish.