Friends (1994–2004): Season 4, Episode 16 - The One with the Fake Party - full transcript

What is it?

Nothing. I can't find anything
that I want to eat.

Everything makes me nauseous.

I'm telling you, being pregnant
is no piece of cake. Oh, cake.

No.

- Aw, honey, I'm sorry.
- God.

Ooh, what is that smell?
It's coming from the bathroom.

Wow, pregnancy does give you
some weird cravings.

- Yeah.
- It's me. It's Phoebe.

Listen, there's something in here
I want to eat. What?

What smells so good?



Is it the shampoo? It's guava.

No.

- Ugh.
- Oh, wait, wait.

Is it my bologna sandwich?

Yes, yes, yes.

I can't believe it. The baby wants bologna.
The baby wants me to eat meat.

- I can't eat meat.
- Uh, wait, wait.

Maybe it's the pickle.

What are you writing?

Well, Joshua's coming in tomorrow...

...and since I don't have the guts
to ask him out...

...I'm gonna sell him a coat
and put this note in the pocket.

- Oh, yeah?
- Oh.

"Joshua, give me a call sometime.
Guys like you...



...never go out of style. "

What did you throw away?

- Hi, guys.
- Hey, what have you guys been up to?

Oh, we went to see a collection of Victorian
doorknobs at the Cooper-Hewitt museum.

Without me?

My uncle dragged us there, but actually
it turned out to be interesting.

- Yeah.
- They were so ornate and beautiful.

I mean, look at that.

I don't know how museums work
in England...

...but here,
you're not supposed to take stuff.

I, uh... I got it from the gift shop.

They have really lax security there.

It's a joke.

Bye.

Right, I've got to be off. I'll see you.
Bye-bye, then.

Bye.

Wow. Hey, you guys seem
to be having a good time.

Oh, yeah, she is amazing,
and she's so much fun.

And you know what?
When I'm with her, I'm fun.

I even signed up for helicopter classes.

She's leaving in two days.
I don't have to do it.

- Aw, two days? You
must be bummed. -Yeah.

She's got to go back to London.

But you know what?
I've been prepared for this from the start.

We both knew we had two weeks
together and then that's it, you know?

Hey, that's what all
my relationships are like.

Yes, but in Ross' case,
they both know in two weeks that's it.

Pheebs, hey.

- Hello, hello.
- Yeah, I know. Yeah.

So the baby is totally craving meat.

This afternoon, I tried tricking it.

I made it a soy burger so that
maybe it'd think it was getting meat.

You know? And I got nauseous.

Well, maybe that's because
soy burgers suck.

Being pregnant is hard on your tummy.

Hey, but at least you got
that cool, pregnant-lady glow.

Oh, that's sweat. You throw up all morning,
you'll have that glow too.

- Okay.
- Uh, here's that trench coat you wanted.

Oh, great. Great.

- Wow, yeah, it's comfortable.
- Yeah.

Man, you could really
flash somebody in this thing.

Ha, ha. They don't want you to put
your hands in the pockets...

...until you are out of the store.

Why not?

Well, because...

...we get a lot of...

You know, they ruin it for everybody.

I know.

You know, I wore that cashmere sweater
on a date last night.

- Oh.
- It was the first date since the divorce.

Well, congratulations.
So do you love her?

No, no, no. She's nice,
but, you know, it made me realize...

...I'm just not ready to be dating,
you know?

Huh.

Well, uh...

That's, uh... That's interesting.

Hey, whoa, hey.

- What was that?
- Oh, that's just an antitheft device.

Then what's this?

Well, you need that too, because
obviously a thief could just tear this up.

Listen, we have to have a party tonight.

We have to have one in five minutes,
so everybody cancel your plans.

- What?
- Yeah, what's going on?

We have to have a surprise
bon-voyage party for Emily.

But it's actually for Joshua.

Look, he said he's not ready to date.

So I had to invite him to a party
if I wanted to see him outside work.

And now I have created
the perfect opportunity to seduce him.

Well, as much as I'd like
to meet Josh and warn him...

...Emily and I aren't gonna be here,
all right?

She's gonna come by first
to say goodbye.

And then I've got a whole special
evening planned. So sorry. No party.

Aw.

- Hello?
- Surprise!

Surprise!

No one's ever thrown me
a surprise party before.

Well, it was all Ross' idea.

You're so sweet.

And I'm so surprised.

You really didn't know?

There's dancin'

Behind movie scenes

Why are you over here
if Joshua's all the way over there?

Uh, because I'm trying to play
hard-to-get.

Oh, quick. He's looking over here.
Say something funny.

- Like what?
- Ha-ha-ha.

What's so funny?

I said, "Like what?"

Now that's a thinker.

Okay, you know what? This
playing-hard-to-get thing is not working.

Uh, hand me those cherries. Okay.

Okay.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Care for a cherry?
- No, thanks.

You know, I can tie one of these into a knot
using just my tongue.

You okay?

You all right?

So we should probably get going soon.

Oh, but the party's only
just getting started.

Yeah, but we have to be at The Four
Seasons for drinks in, oh, 15 minutes.

And then, uh, you know,
then the Plaza for dinner.

So why did you plan a party
at the same time?

No, no, no. Ha, ha.

Actually, American surprise parties
are very short.

It's usually, "Surprise!" Then,
"Oh, my God, I'm so surprised. Goodbye. "

Ross, I'm having such a great time.

Your sister has just been telling me that
you used to dressed up like old ladies...

...and host make-believe tea parties.

Monica said that, did she?

Oh, yeah. Then what are you going
to put on top of that?

- A little salami.
- Ooh, yeah. Yeah.

Then, um, what goes on top
of the salami?

- Pastrami.
- Oh, yeah.

You're a genius.

Can someone give me a hand
with the zipper.

Up.

- You changed?
- Yeah, I just needed my lucky dress.

- And "lucky" means "more cleavage"?
- Does for me.

Oh, God, look at him. He's so cute.

I just want to go over there and grab him
and kiss him.

How could I kiss him
without letting him know that I like him?

Hey, I know how you can get him.
Take off your bra.

What?

- There was a scene in Footloose...
- Flashdance.

- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, with that plumber girl?
- She was a welder.

Were you, like, in the movie?

Anyway, she takes off her bra
under the shirt...

...and pulls it out the sleeve.

Very sexy. And classy.

Or if you wanna kiss him,
um, you could use mistletoe.

It's not Christmas.

- Or spin the bottle.
- And he's not 11.

Thank you so much for this.
It was really so thoughtful of you.

You're leaving?

- Yes, we have something we have to get to.
- Uh, yeah, I think I'm gonna take off too.

No, you guys, you can't leave yet.
You have to stay.

We've got the whole big thing planned.

What big thing?

So, Spin-The-Bottle
works like this.

I spin the bottle.

Lands on Gunther,
so I would have to kiss Gunther.

All right.

Who wants to go first?

I'll go.

Welcome to America.

Oh.

All right.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my gosh. Two in a row.
You gotta use your tongues now.

All right.

What are the odds? What are the odds?

Okay, that's enough, you know. Ha, ha.

Let's let someone else play.

Hey, if you didn't want to play,
then why'd you come to the party?

Okay, my turn.

Oh! Look at that.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. The baby just kicked.

It's okay, it's okay.
If it kicked once, it'll kick again.

All right, well, everybody just remember
where they were sitting.

It was a bug.

It doesn't matter
how much I'm craving it.

You know why I'm never gonna eat meat?
Because it's cold-blooded murder.

Okay.

There's a Phoebe on my sandwich.

Phoebe, what are you doing?

I can't help it.

I need the meat.
The baby needs the meat.

You know how when
you're dating someone...

...and you don't want to cheat on them
unless it's with someone really hot?

- Yeah, totally.
- All right, okay.

Well, this is the same kind of deal.

If you're gonna do something wrong...

...do it right.

Feel better?

Yeah, but at what cost?

Six more months, three meals a day?

I'm gonna eat like, you know,
millions of cows.

Hey, what if I said I could even things out
for you, meat-wise?

- What?
- Well, I eat a lot of meat, right?

- Yeah.
- But suppose, until the baby's born...

...I laid off it.

No extra animals would die.
You'd just be eating my animals.

Joey, I can't believe
you'd do that for me.

Absolutely. I could be a vegetarian.

There's no meat in beer, right?

Okay, we can still make dinner
if we skip the appetizers...

...and ask for our check right away.

We can't go now. Looks like Rachel
is going to put on a skit.

Oh, my God. Have you lost your mind?

No, no, no. I am finally thinking clearly.

My lucky dress wasn't working out
too well for me.

But for four years,
this baby never missed.

Rachel, wait, I can't let...

Actually, I kind of want to see
what happens.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Nice, uh, costume.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I wanted to give Emily
a big American goodbye cheer.

So okay. Whoo!

Ready. Okay.

- Give me an "E. "
- E.

- Give me an "M. "
- M.

- Give me an "I. "
- I.

- Give me an "L. "
- L.

- Give me a "Y. "
- Y.

What do you get?

Oh! Emily.

Whoo! Emily.

Okay. That's me as a cheerleader. Ta-da!

- You all right?
- I just loosened a tooth.

It's no big deal.
I have a dentist, you know?

I'm gonna go put some ice on it.
Excuse me.

- What do I do now? What do I do now?
- I think you're done.

Okay, time to take off the bra.

Uh, that was really great.

But I got to take off, actually.

Take the bra off.

All right, come on,
let's go get your coat.

Okay.

Rachel's my girlfriend.

So this was really fun.

Oh, yeah, it was real fun.

You know, this bra...

...is really bothering me.

You know, this used to be my bedroom.

Yeah.

A lot of memories in here. Lot of memories.

If these walls could talk,
you know what they'd say?

"Want to hear some memories?"

Need a...? Need a little hand there?

Oh, no, no, no.
No, I got this all under control.

You really don't seem like you do.

God. Forget it! Oh, this is...

This is not how
this was supposed to happen.

What was supposed to happen?

Can you not look at me when I say this?

I thought that if I could get you here...

...I could seduce you.

Uh, I don't wear suits to work...

...and I bought six of them from you.

Well, I'm sorry.
I thought you needed them.

My point is, I kept coming back
because I wanted to see you.

- Why?
- Because I like you.

You like me?

Yeah.

I mean, you're beautiful
and smart and sophisticated.

A lot of this isn't, you know,
based on tonight.

But you like me?

Oh, my God. I can't believe this.
All this time, I liked you and you liked me.

Oh!

- But...
- No don't say "but. "

"But" is never good. Let's leave it
at "I like you and you like me. "

Okay, uh...

- However...
- No, that's a fancy "but. "

My marriage, like, just ended.

And I'm really not ready
to get into anything yet.

But...

I'm sorry. I just need a little time.

Okay.

Oh, there you are.
I was looking for you before.

Joshua's gone,
so you and Emily are free to go.

It's okay.

She's still in there
enjoying her fake party.

And, uh, it's too late to do
any of the stuff I had planned, so...

Ross.

I'm sorry.
I completely ruined your evening.

Ahem. Yeah.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,
I made a fool of myself.

Helps a little.

Is there a room on that step
for a pathetic loser?

Yeah, have a seat.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

I mean, it was just a two-week thing
anyway.

I just didn't want it to end this way,
you know.

Or maybe you didn't want it to end?

What do you mean?

You seem to really like her.

Yeah, I really do.

Yeah, but what am I gonna do?

We both agreed it was gonna be
a two-week thing.

You know? No commitment.

Ross?

That girl just spent the entire evening
talking to your friends...

...asking to hear stories about you...

...looking through
Monica's photo albums.

I mean, you don't do that
if you're just in it for two weeks.

You think?

You've got, like, 14 hours
until she has to be at the airport.

And you're sitting here in a hallway...

...with a 28-year-old cheerleader
with a fat lip.

- Hey, you're right.
- Yeah.

Thanks.

What photo album was it?

I don't know. It was you
and a bunch of albino kids.

Oh, my God. Those weren't albino kids.

That was computer camp. Rach.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- You're a pathetic loser, right?
- Oh, yeah.

Sit.

Hi.

Oh, my God. Joshua.

Look.

All those things I said
about not being ready...

- They're not true?
- No, they're all true.

Oh.

But...

Oh.

Oh, I love that "but. "

Um, do you want to go inside
and get some coffee?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Every time.

- Ooh, what do you got there?
- Pastrami.

Yeah.

- Hey, you know what goes good with that?
- Mm-hm. Corned beef.

Ooh, I was going to say bologna.
But that's better.

- How about a little of that smoked turkey?
- Okay.

Oh, Mama.

- When is the baby due?
- Six months.

Hey, now, if a cow should die
of natural causes...

...I could have one of those, right?

Not if I get there first.

[English - US - SDH]