Friends (1994–2004): Season 4, Episode 17 - The One with the Free Porn - full transcript

Oh, man!

- What's that?
- Treeger's snaking the shower drain.

What in the name of hell?

Maybe he found your flip-flop.

Is this porn?

I must have hit something
on the remote.

Do we pay for this?

We didn't even pay our cable bill.

Maybe this is how they punish us.

Maybe we shouldn't pay our phone bill.
Free phone sex.

Maybe we shouldn't pay our gas bill.



Hey, that lady's all kinds of naked.

Joey pressed something on the remote
and it just came on.

It happened to me once.
It was like finding money.

Finding money
with naked people on it!

But I made the mistake
of turning off the TV.

I never got it back again.

And I'm sad.

Why would he turn off the TV?

The One with the Free Porn

English Subtitles by
GELULA & CO., INC.

Do we really have to watch this
while we eat?

We don't know
what could make this go away.

So no one touches the remote,
and no one touches the TV.

And no one touches the air
around the TV.



Imagine a protective porn bubble,
if you will.

I'm at least going to mute it.

We still have porn.

What are you doing?
That's too heavy. Give it here.

Oh, God.

I'm too pregnant for lugging
around a stupid massage table.

I need a job with a smaller table.

Or a job without a table.

You mean, like a doctor?

You're blocking the porn!

That reminds me.
I have to see my ob-gyn today.

Emily just went to the airport.

Why didn't you take her?

Her uncle had planned to do it.

We said our goodbyes this morning.

You must feel horrible.
Hey, the guys have free porn.

Hey, cheer up.
You'll see her again, right?

I don't know.

When I brought it up, she said...

..."This is so fantastic.
Why talk about the future?"

- "Let's enjoy..."
- Don't do the accent.

You've got to see her again.

- Why do you care?
- Because!

You could live out my fantasy.

You had fantasies about Emily?

You know, the fantasy.

Meet a foreigner, fall madly in love
and spend your lives together.

Is that why you hung out
with that Ukrainian kid in school?

Yeah, plus his mom used to put
sour cream on everything.

Do you love her?

We said it would
only be two weeks.

You love her.

What is love, really?

I knew you loved her!

You go to the airport and tell her.

You'll probably catch her at the gate.

You'll call her name
and yell "I love you!"

She'll say "I love you too!"

Then you will have
the most amazing kiss.

Everyone at the gate will applaud.

I am a good kisser.

Then you two can sneak
into the cockpit.

Things will start to heat up.

And then a stewardess comes in...

I've been watching too much porn.

- Is that the heartbeat?
- That's it.

Oh, my God!

This is so cool!

Have we talked about multiple births?

Let's take care of this one. If I
get pregnant again, I have your card.

No, I'm getting
three separate heartbeats.

You guys were worried
I wouldn't even have one.

Doctors are wrong all the time.

Are you sure that there are three?

- Definitely.
- Oh, my God.

So in a few months, I'll have three
babies walking around inside me?

It'll be like one of those log rides
when they come shooting out.

Giving birth to three
is like giving birth to one.

What do you know?

How'd it go at the doctor's?

You know how, when you're
walking down the street...

...and you see three people in a row.

And you say "Oh, that's nice."

Good news!
You'll have three babies.

Three babies?

I've finally got my band!

We'll have a big family!
I always wanted a big family.

I'm so glad you're happy!
I was afraid you'd be freaked.

Why would we be freaked?

Because it's harder to raise them
and the added expense.

Right.

No, back to happy.
Back to happy!

It's going to be fine...

...because I teach home ec.

I can have 30 kids making
baby clothes all year long.

It'll be like my very own
little sweatshop.

I was thinking, ever since
you said we'd have triplets.

The best thing for me to do is
drop out of college and get a job.

No, you can't quit college.

You're in college?

Refrigerator college.

When we found out
we were having a baby...

...I figured I should have
a career, you know?

And I love refrigerators.

You can't give up on your dream!

No, it's okay.
We're going to have three kids.

And that's a different kind of dream.

Three kids and no money.

This is the boarding call
for flight 009.

What are you doing here?

I had to see you
before you took off.

You are so sweet.

That's a big candy bar.

I had the most amazing time with you.

Me too.

This is the final boarding call
for flight 009.

Well, that's me.

Here, have this.

I'm only allowed
one piece of carry-on.

Listen, I have to tell you something.

I've been thinking.

I'm just going to say it, okay?

I think...

...I love you.

Thank you.

It's no problem.

What is that song?

It's the theme
from "Good Will Humping".

You know who doesn't like
dirty movies? My boyfriend Joshua.

Yeah, right.

He said he prefers to leave
certain things to the imagination.

Did he also say that
the dialogue was corny?

And that he found it funny, not sexy?

Yeah, he likes porn.

Where you going?

To find out if he really
thinks models are too skinny.

How'd it go?

Frank has to quit college...

...because his super-fertile
sister's having three babies.

I need to make money fast.
I wanted to talk to you about an idea.

You work for a big company.

Insider trading.

What information can you give me?

They don't talk to us
about that stuff.

But I can get you free White-Out.

- Did you do what I said?
- I did.

What'd she say?

"Thank you."

You're totally welcome.
What'd she say?

She said, "Thank you."

I said, "I love you."

And she said, "Thank you."

Did you say you love her?

What were you trying
to get her to do?

What do I do?

You play hard-to-get.

She already lives in London.

So you go to Tokyo.

Forget it.

You told her you love her.
It's over.

It is not over!
You're over!

What?

You know.

Good one.

It's not over. She'll call
and tell you she loves you.

Her feelings were so strong
that it scared her.

Go home and wait for her call.
She could call from the plane.

But if she doesn't call,
it is definitely over!

Unless, eventually, I call her
to see what's going on...

...and she says she'll call me back,
but then she doesn't.

Then it's over!

Way to be strong!

Can we watch cartoons on your TV?

We need a porn break.

We spent two hours watching
In and Out and In Again.

Why don't you turn it off?

Then we'd be the guys
who turned off free porn.

Good, you're here!

What you got there?

This? I'm glad you asked.

Don't you hate to cut a tin can
with an ordinary steak knife?

I know what you're thinking.

Pregnant woman slays four?

Did they make you pay
for those knives?

You sure?

You won't make enough money
by selling knives.

I just need enough money
for the second part of my plan.

What's that?

My Saturn dealership.

How was your flight?

It was dreadful.

It was terrible how I acted
when you said those wonderful things.

No, that's all right.

I'm just glad you called.

Ross, there's something
that I've got to tell you.

There's someone else.

Does that mean the same thing
in England as it does in America?

She doesn't know who she wants.
Me or this "Colin" guy.

This isn't how it's supposed to go.
There can't be another guy.

Of course, there's another guy!

This is even more perfect.

You have to prove your love!

I'm not proving anything.
I'm done listening to you.

If I hadn't let you talk me
into this...

...I wouldn't have put my fist
through the wall.

You did that?

I missed and hit the door.

But it opened really hard.

You have to go to London.
You have to go fight for her.

That makes sense.

You said you loved her,
and she didn't say it back.

Then she told you about another guy.
Go to London. Scare her!

When Rachel was with Paolo,
what did you do?

I made fun of his accent.

You sat back and let him have her.
You didn't fight.

You want that to happen with Emily?

Go fight for her!
Go to London.

That could be you and Emily.

That but nicer.

Go to London!

Really?

Surprise her.
Don't let her go without a fight.

All right. I'm going to do it.

I'm going to London,
and I'll fight for her.

Okay. Good luck!

Can you pick me up one
of those Toblerone bars at the airport?

I did it!
I figured out a way to make money.

I'll open a massage place.
Frank will help me.

We'll work it around his schedule,
so he doesn't have to quit school.

But how can you afford it?

We were walking down the street,
and we saw your van.

- And we realized...
- I'm telling it!

People need transportation,
and they need massages to relax.

We can combine the two.
I give massages and Frank drives.

I'll bolt a table in the van,
and you know what I've got?

A place that no one
will get out of alive?

Think about it. It's a taxi that
people take when they need to relax.

It's a Relaxi-Taxi!

The name was my favorite part!

I came up with it.

You did not!

You came up with Relaxi-Cab.
That's not good.

Oh, my god! Are you in England?
Was Emily surprised?

No, she hasn't come home yet.

She hasn't been home all night.
She must be with the other guy.

I'm the stupid moron
who spent the night here.

When is the next flight out?

About four hours.

Stay there for a while.
If she doesn't show up, come home.

Tell him about Relaxi-Taxi.

Ask him if he likes it
better than Relaxi-Cab.

It's not Relaxi-Cab.
It's Relaxi-Cab. Like Taxi-Cab.

That is better.

Are we in London?

Why are you here?
You can't be here.

I've come to talk to Ross.

What?

Nothing.

I was going to call him...

You came to tell him you love him.
I knew it!

I was right!
I'm right, right?

I'd rather talk to him.

I've been to his apartment
and he's not there.

I need to talk to him.
Do you know where he is?

Ross, are you there?

I don't know if you hear this,
but I'll talk anyway.

I'm in the States
with your sister and friends.

It's all over with Colin.

I came here to tell you that
and to tell you...

Yes, Joey, you can have
all the chocolate you want.

I came here to tell you
that I love you.

I love you too!

I'll call you right now
from the phone booth.

You can't hear me.

I wish I knew if you'd heard me.

I suppose I've given
my neighbors a good laugh.

Mrs. Newman, if you're listening,
bugger off. None of your business.

There's not much chance
you did hear that.

There's the call waiting...

...so I should go.

Ross, I love you.

Thank you.

There was this really hot teller
at the bank.

And she didn't ask me
to do it with her in the vault.

Same thing happened to me.

Pizza delivery girl comes over,
gives me the pizza and leaves!

No "Nice apartment,
bet the bedrooms are huge"?

Nothing!

You know what?
We have to turn off the porn.

I think you're right.

Ready?

One, two, three.

That's kind of nice.

That's kind of a relief.

You want to see
if we still have it?

- Free porn!
- We have free porn!