Friends (1994–2004): Season 3, Episode 19 - The One with the Tiny T-Shirt - full transcript

- Here you go. - Thank you.
GUNTHER: "Say, Rachel...
...I was wondering if you'd like to go to a movie with me sometime...
...as my lover."
Mm. Too out there.
"Maybe you'd just like to get something to eat with me sometime...
...as my lover."
- Hi. - Hi.
All right, let's go shopping.
You know, before we go, uh, there's something I need to say.
- Oh. Okay. - Okay.
[SIGHS]
I've kind of had this, uh... This crush on you.
But since you were with Ross, I didn't do anything about it.
Now that you're not, I'd really like to ask you out sometime.
So that's what I'm doing now.
Wow. Um...
[CRASH IN KITCHEN]
I dropped a cup.
So that's why within a few years, that voice recognition...
...is gonna be pretty much standard on any computer.
You know, so you could be, like, "Wash my car. Clean my room."
It's not gonna be able to do any of those things...
...but it'll understand what you're saying.
- Oh, this was so great. - Yeah, it was.
All right, then.
Bye.
Hello, people who do not live here.
BOTH: Hi. - Hello.
I gave you a key for emergencies.
We were out of Doritos.
Hey, how'd the date go with Mr. Millionaire?
"Mr. Millionaire. New, from Snooty Playthings.
Third wife sold separately."
He's great. I mean, we have such a good time together.
He's so funny and so sweet. And I'm not attracted to him at all.
- Still? MONICA: No.
It's driving me crazy. I mean, in every other way, he's like the perfect guy.
He has everything. Plus, he actually has everything.
Life-sized lmperial Storm Troopers from Sharper lmage?
Two.
Wow. Can Joey and I put them on and fight?
Oh, Mommy. Oh, Daddy. I am a big old baddy.
I guess he must've gotten the part in that play.
- Oh. - Either that or Gloria Estefan was right.
Eventually, the rhythm is going to get you.
- Joe, how's it going? - Good.
- Hey. - Hi.
Ah, so you're playing Adrianne, huh?
Yes. Are you one of the retarded cousins?
No, no. Uh, I'm playing your husband, Victor. I'm Joey Tribbiani.
Hi. Nice to meet you. Kate Miller.
Heh. So the, uh, play's pretty great, huh?
Oh, yeah. I love Jennifer Banberry's work.
She's so brilliantly incisive...
...when it comes to deconstructing the psyche of the middle class.
Oh, forget about it. She rocks. Ha, ha.
Where do I know you from?
Dr. Drake Ramoray?
Days of our Lives?
Voted most datable neurosurgeon by Teen Beat?
No, that's not it.
So you're a soap actor.
Well, this must be exciting for you, being in a real play. Hmm?
Hey, I've done plays before. I'm a serious actor.
That infomercial.
For the milk-carton-spout thing.
You're the guy who doesn't know how to pour milk.
See, I actually can pour milk. But I got you believing that I couldn't.
Ha, ha. Now, see, that's acting.
Right. At the end, you choked on a cookie.
Yeah, that was real.
- Wow. I cannot believe Mark asked you out. - I know.
Well, So, what are you gonna tell him?
Well, I told him I would think about it, but I'm gonna tell him no.
PHOEBE: Huh.
I mean, I think I'd say no to anybody right now.
Oh, but it was so strange. I mean, I'm standing there...
...with this charming, cute guy who's asking me to go out with him...
...which I'm allowed to do...
...and I felt guilty, you know, like I'd be cheating on Ross or something.
Wow. So, okay, maybe that means...
...that you're not over Ross yet and you have issues with your father.
- I don't have any issues with my father. - Okay, so it's probably just the Ross thing.
I hate this woman. I hate her.
She told everyone in the company about that infomercial...
...and now they all keep asking me to open their drinks.
Okay? And whenever I can't do it, they're all, like, laughing at me.
- Hello. CHANDLER & JOEY: Hey.
So Rachel called.
Wants to see me.
Going over in a minute.
- Wow. What do you think she wants? - Well, maybe the crazy fog has lifted...
...and she realizes that life without me...
...sucks.
It's possible. You are very lovable. I'd miss you if I broke up with you.
Just trying to be supportive.
Well, be supportive like a guy.
[IN DEEP VOICE] If I broke up with you, I'd miss you.
- Hi. - Hi.
You, uh, wanted to see me?
Yeah.
Uh, here's a box of your stuff.
- What? - Uh, it's just like hats and a shirt and CD's.
Just sort of stuff that you've left here.
What are you doing? Are you trying to hurt me or something?
No.
Ross.
It just seems that, you know, it's time we, you know, move on.
I mean, don't you think?
- Yes. - Yeah.
- Yes, I do. - Good.
Yeah, I really do.
Hey...
This was a gift.
Ross, you got that for free from the museum gift shop.
It's still a gift.
I got it from the gift shop.
Okay. All right. Give me the mug. I'll keep the mug.
No. You know, don't do me any favors. In fact, where...
Where's the rest of my stuff? Huh? Like my, um...
Hey. This book is mine.
And that T-shirt you sleep in? I'd like that back too. Yes, I do.
You know how much I love that T-shirt. You never even wear that T-shirt.
I'm just trying to help you move on.
Oh, you are a petty man.
You are a petty, petty...
- Petty... ...petty, petty...
...small... ...small...
You are so just doing this out of spite.
Uh-uh. No, no, no.
I'm gonna wear this all the time. I love this shirt.
You haven't worn that since you were 15. It doesn't even fit you anymore.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah.
Oh, okay, okay, okay.
Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna take the rest of my stuff...
...and relax...
...in my favorite shirt.
You have a pleasant evening.
So you're, like, a zillionaire.
And you're our age. You're our age.
You know what? You should, like, buy a state...
...and then just name it after yourself.
What, like, "Pete Dakota"?
[CHUCKLES]
Or "Mississi-Pete."
[LAUGHS]
Ooh, ooh, I got it: "Pete Chicago."
That's not a state, Joe.
Oh, and "Mississi-Pete" is?
I gotta go, so, uh, I'll see you guys later.
- Okay. You're our age. - Okay.
So, uh, are we on for tomorrow?
Absolutely.
Now get out of here, you.
Okay, I'm running out of places I can touch him.
Is there something wrong with me?
I mean, why am I only attracted to guys where there's no future?
Either they're too old or they're too young.
And there's Pete, who's crazy about me...
...and he's absolutely perfect, and there's, like, zip going on.
Seriously. Does it sound like something's wrong with me?
Yeah, kind of.
Happy? Is that what I'm supposed to be, Vic?
Happy?
Well, why don't you tell me what you're supposed to be? Huh?
Because I sure as hell can't figure it out.
I talk to you, and nothing.
You look at me, and it's nothing.
Nothing.
[GROANS]
Tasty.
I'm really starting to feel like you guys have a history. It's nice.
- I have a question about this scene. MAN: Yes.
Well, I don't understand why Adrianne's attracted to Victor.
Peel the onion.
First of all, he's good-looking.
Yeah.
I think my character is gonna need a bit more of a reason than that.
Oh, hey, how about this one? Uh, it says so in the script.
You know, I don't know why my character likes you either.
I mean, it says in the script here that you're a bitch.
- It doesn't say that in the script. - It does in mine.
I can blow-dry it, I can put gel on it. It doesn't matter.
I still wind up with this little cowlick-y thing...
...on the middle part of my head. It's so annoying.
- Does it bug you? - You bug me.
Is there any chance you didn't see that?
CHANDLER: Ross, you gotta stop, okay?
You can't just stare through the peephole for three hours.
You're gonna get peep-eye.
I knew it. I knew it. I always knew she liked him.
She'd say no, but here we are, right?
We just broke up, first thing she does.
You didn't just break up.
Hey, it's been, like, three weeks.
You slept with somebody three hours after you thought you broke up.
I mean, bullets have left guns slower.
ROSS: Here they come. Here they... Oh.
If she kisses him good night, I'm gonna kill myself. I swear.
I can't watch.
Come on. Date over. Date over.
- Here we go. She's going in. - Okay.
She's going in. Ha, ha. Wait. He's going in.
He's going in.
The door's closed. I can't see anything with the door closed.
And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.
Okay, I have to do something. I mean, I have to stop it.
- Stop what? - I don't know.
But I have a feeling that my being there will do it.
I'll go over and I will borrow something.
- Juice. I need juice. - No.
- You can't. - A little help.
- They must be stopped. - I am your friend...
...and I am not gonna let you do this.
You are surprisingly strong.
- I need juice. People need juice. - Look, man...
- People need juice. Juice. They need... - Listen to me.
She's moving on, okay? If it's not this guy, it's gonna be somebody else.
And unless you're thinking about subletting my peephole...
...you are gonna have to get used to the fact that the relationship is over.
Okay, man? It's over.
- Yeah, okay. - Okay.
It's just I miss her so much.
I know.
Why do all your coffee mugs have numbers on the bottom?
Oh, that's so Monica can keep track.
That way, if one of them is missing, she can be like, "Where's number 27?"
[CLEARS THROAT]
You know what?
No, and I don't think I'm gonna want to.
I can't do this.
Yep. Yep. That's what I didn't want to know.
Yeah. Oh, Mark, I'm just doing this for the wrong reasons, you know?
I'm just doing it to get back at Ross.
I'm sorry. It's not very fair to you.
Ah. Fair, shmair. You know?
Look, you wanna get back at Ross, I am here for you.
Really.
No, no. I say we get back at him right here on this couch. Right here.
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry about this.
That's okay.
- You sure? - Yeah.
I can just go home and get back at him by myself.
WOMAN: And should become the penicillin of the 21 st century.
And so today, this hospital is about to take major steps...
...toward leading that revolution.
- It is truly ironic. - Hey. Can I ask you something?
Where are we?
Well, with all these doctors and nurses...
...I'm gonna say, Midget Rodeo.
Just tell me the truth.
Okay.
Um, you know, I don't think I told you this...
...but, um, I just recently got out of a really serious relationship.
Oh, right. Wasn't that like a year ago?
So I did tell you.
Okay, well, you know, that's not really the thing.
The thing is, is that right now I'm just in a place in my life...
...where I just need to focus on me. - Mm.
- Do you know what I mean? - Oh, yeah, I know.
- I so want to be attracted to you. - But you're not. Okay. Good.
I'm sorry.
You know what? Don't be. This is not...
Don't be, because it's not so bad.
- It's not? - Yeah. I know I'm no Jon Bon Jovi.
Or someone you find attractive.
I just think, you know...
...that you might end up feeling differently.
Well, look, I don't want this to come out wrong...
...but, uh, you seem awfully confident for a guy I just told I wasn't attracted to.
Yeah, stupidly charming, isn't it?
Uh, listen. Let's... You wanna get something to eat?
Because this place is kind of depressing.
WOMAN: Now the man who made this possible, Mr. Peter Becker.
One second.
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
I don't think this town is big enough for the both of us to relax in.
Draw.
I wasn't doing anything.
Uh-oh. What did she do now?
Just because she went to Yale Drama, she thinks she's, like, the greatest actress...
...since sliced bread.
Ah, Sliced Bread. A wonderful Lady Macbeth.
God, I just... I hate her. I hate her with her "Oh, I'm so talented"...
...and "Oh, I'm so pretty," and "Oh, I smell so good."
I think somebody has a crush on somebody.
Hey, Chandler, can we please try and stay focused on my problem here?
You know?
I'm talking about you, you big, big freak.
Oh.
Oh. You're out of your mind.
Hey, you've done nothing but talk about her for the last 48 hours.
If you were in school yard...
...you'd be pulling her pigtails and pushing her down now.
Oh, yeah? Then how come I keep thinking about her...
...in all these sexual scenarios and stuff, huh?
Happy? Is that what I'm supposed to be, Vic? Happy?
Well, why don't you tell me what you're supposed to be, huh?
Because I sure as hell can't figure it out.
I talk to you, and it's nothing.
You look at me, and nothing.
Nothing.
You guys make me fly.
High.
Okay, we're gonna pick it up here tomorrow.
- Well, that was, uh... - Better?
Yeah, yeah, it was definitely...
...an improvement.
- Good night. JOEY: Uh, Kate.
Yeah?
You, uh... You forgot your shoes.
[LAUGHING]
I'm probably gonna need those, huh?
- Okay. - Hey, listen...
...you, uh, feel like getting a cup of coffee?
- Um... Yo. - Kate.
- You ready to go? - Yeah.
Very nice. Very nice.
So, um...
- See you tomorrow, huh? - Yeah. Yeah. Sure.
- Right. - Good night.
Hey.
Why isn't it "Spiderman"?
You know, like Goldman, Silverman?
Because it's not his last name.
- It isn't? - No, it's not, like...
Like Phil Spiderman.
He's a spider...
...man.
You know, like, uh... Like Goldman is a last name.
But there's no gold man.
Oh, okay.
There should be a Gold Man.
- Hey. MONICA: Hey, Rach.
- How was work? - Oh, great.
Although I did sit down where there wasn't a chair.
By the way, Ross dropped by a box of your stuff.
Oh. Well, I guess I had that one coming.
I'm just gonna throw it out. It's probably just a bunch of shampoo and...
Something wrong?
Hmm. No. Nothing.
So, uh, what kind of powers would Gold Man have?
Okay. Well, he would turn things to gold.
- What about things that are already gold? - Ah. His work is done.
Okay, let's play my game.
Okay.
All right, you yellow-bellied, lily-livered...
Draw.
Yeah, it's fun.
[English - US - SDH]