Friends (1994–2004): Season 3, Episode 18 - The One with the Hypnosis Tape - full transcript

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- She totally winked at me!
- She did not wink at you.

You always think somebody's
winking at you.

Huh.

I say "Tupelo Honey"
by Van Morrison.

No way!

The most romantic song ever
was "The Way We Were."

Ah, I think the one that Elton John wrote
for, um, that guy on Who's the Boss?

- What song was that?
- Um.

[SINGING]
Hold me close, young Tony Danza

PHOEBE: Hi, Monica.
ROSS: Hi, Mon.

RACHEL:
Hey, Mon.



Oh, my God!

- Has she slept at all?
ROSS: Nope.

It's been three nights in a row.

She finally stopped crying yesterday.

But then she found one of Richard's
cigar butts on the terrace...

Oh. Okay, that explains it.
I got a call at 2 in the morning...

...and all I could hear
was this squeaky sound.

So I thought,
"Oh, it's a mouse or a possum."

Then I realized, like, okay...

...where would a mouse or a possum
get the money to make the phone call?

CHANDLER: Morning.
- Morning. Hey.

You made pancakes?

[SCOFFS]

Yeah, like there's any way
I could ever do that.



[SINGING]
Monica and Rachel had syrup

Uh, uh
Now I can get my man to cheer up

[LAUGHING NASALLY]

Good morning, Joey.

Good morning.

Here's a thought.

Why don't you stay home from work
and just hang out with me?

Oh, I wish.

You have that report to finish,
and I've got to see my lawyer.

I can't believe I date
a girl who's getting divorced.

- I'm such a grownup.
- Ha-ha-ha.

I gotta go, I gotta go.

Not without a kiss.

Maybe I won't kiss you
so you'll stay.

Kiss her. Kiss her!

[BOTH MOAN]

I'll see you later, sweetie.
Bye, Joey.

[MOCKING TONE]
Bye-bye, Janice.

So when are you dumping her?

Nope.

Not this time.

Heh. Come on, quit yanking me.

I'm not yanking you.

- This is Janice.
- Yeah, I know.

She makes me happy.

[JOEY SCOFFS]

Okay. All right.

You look me in the eye and tell me,
without blinking...

...that you're not breaking up
with her. No blinking.

[JOEY CHUCKLES]

I'm not breaking up with her!

Ah!

[MOUTHS]
What's that?

God, look what I found in the drain!

What?

It's some of Richard's hair!

What do I do with this?

Getting it away from me
would be job one.

It's weird, but I don't want
to throw this away.

This is all I have left of him.

Gross...

...drain hair.

Ew!

Cool! Oh, it looks like a tiny
little person drowning in your cereal.

[MONICA SIGHS]

- God, what is wrong with me?
- You need to get some sleep.

I need to get some Richard.

You broke up with him for a reason.

I know. I know.
I'm just so tired of missing him.

Tired of wondering why he
hasn't called. Why hasn't he?

Maybe because you told him not to?

What are you, the Memory Woman?

They're not breaking up!
Chandler and Janice?

They're not breaking up!
He didn't blink!

I'm not surprised.
Have you seen them together?

They're really cute.

"Cute"? This is Janice!

You remember Janice?

Yes, I remember. She's annoying.
But you know what?

She's his girlfriend now.
I mean, what can we do?

There you go! That's the spirit
I'm looking for! "What can we do?"

Huh?

All right, who's first, huh? Ross?

Chandler's our friend,
and Janice makes him happy.

So I say we be adult about it
and accept her.

We'll call that Plan B.

Honey...

...I was wondering...
- Mm.

...do you still have
that, um, Navy uniform?

No, I had to return it
to the costume place.

Oh.

I think I have an old band uniform
from high school.

You remember not having sex
in high school, right?

Yeah.

Well, honey, what about you?

- What?
- I mean...

[SIGHS]

Do you have any fun, you know,
fantasy-type things?

No.

Come on. You gotta have one.

Nope.

- Ross, you know what?
- What?

If you tell me, I might do it.

[ROSS CLEARS THROAT]

Okay.

- Ahem.
- Um.

Did you ever see, um,
Return of the Jedi?

Yeah.

Do you remember the scene...

...with, um, Jabba the Hutt?

Jabba had as his prisoner...

...Princess Leia.

Oh.

Princess Leia was wearing...

...this, um, gold bikini thing.

It was pretty cool.

Yeah, Princess Leia and the gold bikini?
Oh, every guy our age loved that.

- Really?
- Mm-hm. Mm.

It's huge! That's the moment when
she stopped being a princess...

...and she became, like, you know,
a woman.

Did you ever do the Leia thing?

Oh, yeah. Mm-hm.

[GIGGLES]

Really? That great, huh?

No, it's just that I got this new
pager, and I have it on "vibrate."

[CHUCKLES]

See you.

Hey.

RACHEL:
Hi, you guys!

Look who I found standing
outside the Szechuan Dragon...

...staring at a parking meter.

- Ahem. Mon. Hi.
- Hi.

- Why aren't you at work?
- Oh, they sent me home.

Why?

Because I don't work
at the Szechuan Dragon.

RACHEL:
You really need to get some sleep.

I know I do.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Guess what?
They published my paper.

- Oh! Really? Let me see, let me see.
- Uh-huh.

Rach, look!

RACHEL: No.
- Ooh.

Hi. Ha, ha.

Ha, ha! Oh.

Where is my strong Ross Skywalker
to come rescue me?

[LAUGHS]

There he is!

- Hey.
- Wheel!

- Of!
- Fortune!

This guy's so stupid.

It's Count Rushmore!

You should really go on this show.

I got three tickets to
the Rangers tonight. What do you say?

I say I am there!

Cool! Oh.

Is Ross going too?

No. Janice.

Janice?

Because I just feel bad for Ross,
you know?

We always go together. We're like
The Three Hockey-teers, you know?

I may be way out on a limb here,
but do you have a problem with Janice?

No!

Yes...

Oh, God, how do I say this? Uh...

Oh! Ah!

You know that girl from the
restaurant with the hair?

Ooh! That girl that I hate?
Ugh! She drives me crazy. Ew.

Oh.

Look, I don't hate Janice.
She's just a lot to take, you know?

- Well, there you go.
- Oh.

Don't look at me like that.

She drove you nuts before too,
remember?

I'm crazy about her now.
This could be the real thing.

Capital R, capital T!

Don't worry, those are
the right letters.

Look, what do you want me to say?

I want you to say that you like her!

I can't. It's like this chemical thing,
you know?

Every time she starts laughing,
I just wanna...

...pull my arm off so
I have something to throw at her.

Thanks for trying.

[SIGHS]

Oh, and by the way,
there is no Count Rushmore!

Then who's the guy that painted
the faces on the mountain?

- Ugh.
- How could you tell her?

I didn't think
it would be that big a deal!

Oh. She didn't think
it would be a big deal!

Who are you talking to
when you do that?

Look, that was supposed to be
a private, personal thing between us.

Phoebe is my girlfriend, okay?
We tell each other everything.

Guys do the same thing.

I mean, what about all that
locker-room stuff?

That's different.
That's like, uh, who dated a stripper?

Or who did it on the back
of the Staten Island ferry?

- Both of those Joey?
- Yeah.

[CHUCKLES]

But you don't talk about
your girlfriend...

...and the intimate stuff
you do with her.

- Not even with your best friend?
- No.

That is so sad.

You're missing out on so much.

I mean, the bonding and the sharing...

...and knowing they're going through
the same thing you are.

Oh. So, what, you tell each
other everything?

Pretty much.

Did you talk about
the Night of Five Times?

Do you tell people about
the Night of Five Times?

Uh, honey, that was with Carol.

I know, but it's still worth
mentioning, I think.

Relax every muscle in your body.

[SOOTHING MUSIC
PLAYING ON STEREO]

Listen to the plinky-plunky music.

Okay, now close your eyes...

...and think of a happy place.

Tell me your happy place.

Richard's living room, drinking wine.

No, no, no. Not a Richard thing.
Just put down the glass and get out.

I'm sorry, but that's my happy place.

Okay, fine. Use my happy place.
Just don't move anything in there.

I'll try not to.

Okay. All right, so,
you're in a meadow...

...millions of stars in the sky...

You think breaking up was a mistake?

There are no questions
in the happy place.

Just the warm breeze and the
moonlight flowing through the trees.

I'll bet he's over me.
I'll bet he's fine.

Betting and wagering of any kind
are not permitted in the happy place.

Okay?

There's just, you know,
the lovely waterfalls...

...and the trickling fountains...

...and the calming sounds
of the babbling brook.

- Okay, this isn't working.
- Oh.

I'm still awake,
and now I have to pee.

Oh.

So I hear...

...you hate me!

I, uh, never said hate.
I was very careful about that.

A little birdie told me you wanting to
rip your arm off and throw it at me.

And you got "hate" from that?
You're taking a big leap there, I, uh...

All right, fine, fine, fine!

We have got to do something about
our little situation here.

So this is my idea.

You and me spending
some quality time together.

But what does that...?

For Chandler!

Okay. I'm in.

Okay! This is what we'll call it:
Joey and Janice's Day of Fun!

Does it have to be a day?

Yes, because that's how long
it takes to love me.

Yeah, I know. Ha.
I sleep in the next room.

I went down to the post office...

...and it turns out it was
those videos that I ordered...

...for Richard about the Civil War.

He loved the Civil War.

[MONICA SOBS]

Do you want us to take you home?

Uh-huh.

[SNIFFLES]

Or maybe to a galaxy far, far away.

Women tell each other everything.
Did you know that?

Ha, ha. Yeah.

No, Chandler, everything.

Like stuff you like. Stuff she likes.

Technique. Stamina. Girth.

Girth?

Why? Why? Why?

Why would they do this?

Rachel says sharing's great
and supposedly...

...we ought to be doing it.

Uh, do you want to?

- We're not gonna talk about girth?
- No.

- Yeah. Okay. Yeah.
- Yeah?

All right, you go first.

- Okay. Okay, I'll go first.
- Okay.

So, uh, the other night...

...Rachel and I are in bed
talking about fantasies...

...and I happened to describe
a particular...

...Star Wars thing...

- Princess Leia and the gold bikini.
- Yes.

- I know!
- Yes.

Whoa. Wow.

- Well, that was easy. Ha, ha.
- Ha, ha.

Okay, you go.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Okay, you know when you're
in bed with a woman...

Uh.

...and, uh, ahem, you know,
you're fooling around...

...and you get all these
mental images in your brain?

Like Elle MacPherson
or the girl at the Xerox place?

- With the bellybutton ring? Oh.
- Oh! I know.

And then all of a sudden,
your mom pops into your head.

[CHUCKLES]

And you're, like,
"Mom, get out of here!"

But after that,
you can't think of anything else.

And you can't stop what you're doing.
So it's kind of like you're...

...you know, you know...

You don't know!

Your mom?

You're telling me about your mom?
What's the matter with you?

- You said...
- I said "share," not "scare"!

Go sit over there!

- We're back!
JOEY: Hey.

What are you guys doing together?

Joey and Janice's Day of Fun!

[LAUGHS NASALLY]

- Really?
JOEY: Yeah, yeah.

We went to a Mets game.
We got Chinese food.

And, uh, you know,
I love this woman. Ha-ha-ha.

[JANICE LAUGHS NASALLY]

You have got competition, buddy.

[JOEY CHUCKLES]

Well, I just came by
to give you a kiss.

BOTH:
Mwah.

I have to go pick up the baby.
So I'll see you later, sweetheart.

You too, Chandler.

[LAUGHS NASALLY]

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- You still can't stand her, can you?
- I'm sorry, man. I tried! I really did!

[SIGHS]

I appreciate you giving it a shot.

But you know, the good thing...

...is that we spent the whole day
together and I survived.

And what's even more amazing,
so did she. Ha, ha.

It was Bat Day at Shea Stadium.

I guess that's something.

Oh, man, that's huge!

Now I know I can stand to be
around her. Which means...

...I get to hang out with you.

Which is kind of
the whole point anyway. Ha, ha.

Okay.

Oh, hey! We, uh, stopped by
the coffee shop and, uh, ran into Ross.

Oh, God.

If it makes you feel any better,
I do it too.

[MOUTHS]
Oh.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah!

I always picture your mom
when I'm having sex.

MAN [ON TV]:
April 12, 1861.

The United States garrison
at Fort Sumter was fired upon.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

It is now under bombardment by...

[PAUSES VIDEO]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Dad, what are you doing here?

It's your mother's bridge night, so I
came into the city for a Moni-cuddle.

Oh.

Since when did you start
smoking cigars?

I don't.
I just like the smell of them.

So, uh,
what are you really doing here?

I just wanted to make sure
you're okay.

Why wouldn't I be okay?

I saw Richard.

Oh?

So how you doing?

I'm fine.

I'm just a little tired,
but I'm okay.

- Ahem. How's Richard doing?
- You don't want to know.

No, I really, really do.

Well, he's doing terrible!

Really?

Worse than when he broke up
with Barbara.

- You're not just saying that, are you?
- No, the man is a mess!

- Was he crying?
- No.

Do you think he was waiting till
after you left, so he could cry?

Maybe.

I think so.

Honey, relationships are hard.
Like with your mom and me.

You know, after we graduated from
college, we broke up for a while.

It seems her father,
your grandfather...

...wanted her to travel around Europe
like he did.

Of course, he got to do it
on Uncle Sam's nickel...

...because he was also strafing
German troop trains at the time.

However...

[VIDEO RESUMES]

[HUMMING "STAR WARS" THEME]

Okay, here we go.

I am Jabba's prisoner.
And you...

...have a really weird look
on your face.

What? Honey, what is it?

Did I get the hair wrong?

Or what? Did you just
picture it differently? What?

No, no. It's, um...
It's not you. It's, um...

What is it? Come on, sweetie.
You're, like, freaking me out here.

[SIGHS]

I hate Chandler.
The bastard ruined my life!

[English - US - SDH]