Friends (1994–2004): Season 3, Episode 17 - The One Without the Ski Trip - full transcript

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Can I see the comics?

This is the New York Times.

Okay, may I see the comics?

I thought you were
taking Ross to the game.

- We are. He's meeting us here.
- No, Rachel's meeting us here.

Come on.
They can be in the same room.

- You should've been there last night.
- What happened?

Ross was hanging out at our place.

Rachel comes to borrow
moisturizer from Chandler...

Hey.

How hard is it to say "something"?



Rachel came over to borrow "something."

Anyway, her and Ross just started
yelling at each other.

Why was he yelling at her?
He slept with someone else.

He says they were on a break
when it happened...

...so she should've
forgiven him by now.

He is so unreasonable. God.

Although I understand what he means.

Oh, my God.
This is like 60 Minutes...

...when at first you're mad
at that pharmaceutical company...

...for making the drug.

And then, you just feel bad
for the people because...

...they needed
to make their hair grow.

You know, this is like
when my parents got divorced.

I hope Ross doesn't try to kidnap me
after Cub Scouts.



I dreamed that Ross and Rachel
were still together.

And we were all
hanging out and happy.

I had the same dream.

- And nobody slept with the Xerox girl.
- Oh, I had the opposite dream.

Maybe it's gonna be okay.
I mean, it's been a week.

It never takes me more than a week
to get over a relationship.

It never takes you more than a shower
to get over a relationship.

Let's go. Let's hit the road.
Let's get the show on it.

Let me get coffee.

I know the best coffeehouse.
And it's close.

Closer than here?

Oh, look. I found coffee.

Okay, let's skedaddle.

I'm not gonna drink
somebody's old coffee.

Okay, Your Highness.

"Rachel, I'm really sorry."
"Okay, Ross. Wanna get back together?"

"Yeah, okay."

Did anyone else hear that?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- Is he here?
- No.

Here's your moisturizer.

Hi.

You guys are gonna love me.
Okay, check it out.

Thursday night, five tickets.

Calvin Klein lingerie show,
and you guys are coming with me.

I said that out loud, right?

Yes, it's just that
we kind of already...

...made plans with Ross.

RACHEL:
Oh. Well, okay.

Well, there you go.

It's just, he got this new
home-theater dealy...

...and he wants us to check it out.

He's excited about it too.

He even recorded showtimes
on his answering machine.

- We're sorry, honey.
RACHEL: Oh, it's okay.

Rach, it's not that
we don't want to. Really.

Are we talking models
in their underwear?

And heels.

Ross did ask us first,
and we set that night aside.

Come on. If he asked you first,
it's only fair.

PHOEBE:
Oh, boy, do I feel bad.

MONICA:
Very bad.

- Chandler, what are you doing?
- Chandler.

Oh, my God.

You're smoking again?

Well, actually,
yesterday I was smoking again.

Today I'm smoking, still.

Why would you start again
after chewing all that quitting gum?

This is just like
my parents' divorce...

...which is when
I first started smoking.

Weren't you 9?

Yeah.

I'm telling you something,
that first smoke after naptime...

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

That's great.
With my luck, that's him.

Him? Ross?

No, "Hymn" 253:
"His Eyes Are on the Sparrow."

When my parents got divorced, I started
using humor as a defense mechanism.

Hi. Uh, do you guys have
weekend plans?

Because my sister says we can spend
the weekend at her cabin, skiing.

I'm asking you first, right?
I'm playing by the rules.

MONICA:
Absolutely.

Chandler. You're smoking?
What are you doing?

Shut up.
You're not my real mom.

Could you close that window?
My nipples could cut glass.

Really? Because mine
get me out of tickets.

Look, I just wanna say I really
appreciate you spending time with me.

It's been a hard time right now,
so I just want to say thanks.

Somebody else hug him.
I have to stay by the window.

Oh, hey, hey.

How about this weekend, we have
a laser-disc marathon, okay?

And maybe a tournament
on my new...

...dart board. What do you think?

[IN SCOTTISH ACCENT]
Two days of darts. It'll be great.

It'll be great for next weekend.

This weekend, guys.

It'll be great for next weekend.

[IN SCOTTISH ACCENT]
I mean, "lt'll be great."

What's going on?

We're, um, sort of invited to go skiing.
You know, Rachel's sister's cabin?

So, for the whole weekend?

We're really sorry,
but she did ask us first.

That's okay. If you
all have to go away...

...for the first weekend I'm
alone by myself...

...then I totally understand.

I can stay. I'm gonna stay.

The last time I went,
I was afraid to leave the chair lift.

I just went round and round.

We need you to drive us there
in your grandmother's cab.

- But you know what? I'll stay.
- No, I'll stay. He's my brother.

- What, a "pity stay"?
- No.

We're gonna have fun.

We can make fudge.

Pity food?

You know what?
I don't need any of you to stay.

Nobody stays.

Well, then I might as well
offer to stay.

JOEY:
Hey...

Does anybody else feel bad about Ross?

You think he's still mad?

He's probably more mad since
you called him to borrow his goggles.

What? Mine aren't tinted.

Chandler.

What?

What does the sign say?

"Beam me up, Jesus."

The "No Smoking" sign.

There's no smoking
in my grandmother's cab.

Well, then I have to go
to the bathroom.

Oh, please.

No unscheduled stops.
You can go when we stop for gas.

There's a rest stop right up there.
Come on, I really have to go.

Oh, now I have to go.

CHANDLER:
Here we go.

CHANDLER: Brace yourself.
MONICA: What?

MONICA:
Okay. Ow.

- Aren't you gonna go?
- No, thanks.

Rachel never pees in public restrooms.

They never have any paper in there.

So my rule is, "No tissue, no tushy."

Well, if everybody's going...

Don't close it.
The keys are in there.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

- What's going on?
- My lighter's in there.

Damn. The tailpipe's
not hot enough to light this.

I can open this.
Anybody got a coat hanger?

Oh, I do.

No, I took it out of my shirt
when I put it on this morning.

So if your parents hadn't divorced...

...you'd be able to answer a question
like a normal person?

Look, I just need a wire something
to jimmy it.

One of you give me
your bra underwire.

What?

Come on.
Who has the biggest boobs?

Whoever has the biggest boobs,
has the biggest bra and wire.

- No.
- It's too expensive.

To get back in the car,
we need that wire.

Your call.

Monica's are the biggest.

These tiny little non-breasts?
Please. It's gotta be Rachel.

No, mine are deceptively small.

I mean, I actually sometimes
stuff my bra.

Well, then your bra would
still be big.

No, I stuff outside the bra.

Ladies, let's just compromise, okay?

Phoebe, Rachel,
take off Monica's bra.

All right, forget it, never mind.

- You can have mine.
MONICA: Thank you.

Chandler. What are you doing?
There's a trash can right there.

I thought if I littered, that crying
Indian might come by and save us.

There.

Thank you, Phoebe.
That's very, very generous.

Now, let's decide
who has the nicest ass.

And there you go.

MONICA:
Chandler.

Well, at least let me smoke it
to the good part.

Oh, no.

- What's going on?
- What?

Yeah, this has happened before.

- So you know how to fix it?
- Yep. Put more gas in.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hi. What are you doing here?

I was wondering,
when you and I split up...

...did you get the tape that was
half the last episode of M.A.S. H...

...and half the hostages coming home?

But now it's Susan and me in Mexico
and the hostages coming home.

Where's Ben?

- He's sleeping.
- Ah. Ooh.

Is this a bad time?

Yeah, actually.
Susan's gonna be here any minute.

- It's kind of an anniversary.
- Oh.

I thought you guys
got married in January.

A different kind of anniversary.

Oh.

So anyway...

Candles, champagne...

Yeah, anniversaries are great...

...because love lasts forever,
you know?

There's nothing like it
in this life. Money in the bank.

So Rachel and I broke up.

God, Ross, I am so sorry.

You know what?

I wanna talk about this so much...

...but when we can really get into it.

- You free for dinner tomorrow?
- I'd love that.

Me too.

I guess it all started
when Rachel got this new job.

Triple A can pick us up.

What town are we near?

Freemont. Westmont.

Uh, Westberg?

Why are you answering?

Do you know
what route we're on?

We are definitely on Route 27.

We are at a rest stop on Route 27...

There is no Route 27.

- Either 93 or 76.
RACHEL: I don't know.

I always slept in the back
when we drove here.

Can you just send someone up and down
76 and check every rest stop?

And also 93?

Okay.

No, they don't do that.

Somebody will come and save us.

Who? Have you seen a car
in the last hour and a half?

We should call Ross.
Maybe he can get a car to get us.

I am not getting in a car with Ross.

We will just have to...

...live here.

- But it's so cold.
- No.

I won't get in a car with him.
Think of something else.

Joey and Chandler are back.

- So the going-for-help went well?
- Oh, yeah.

Smokey Joe here got halfway
to the highway and collapsed.

I have the lung capacity
of a 2-year-old.

Then why are you smoking?

It's very unsettling.

Right? I mean,
it's pretty unbelievable.

They just took off
without even looking back.

I don't need them.
I've got you guys now as friends.

You and Susan.

Susan will be so pleased.

[PAGER BEEPS]

Seven-one-seven?

Where's 717?

You have more of these
for Susan, right?

No, but that's okay.

I'll just put out pickles
or something.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Ross, thank God.
ROSS: Pheebs?

Why are you whispering?

I ate a bug.

Hey, Rach. The tampons here
are only a penny.

Let's stock up.

We're out of gas and don't know where
we are, so we can't get a tow truck.

- Oh. Now you want a favor?
- Yes, please.

I'm sorry your
car broke down, Pheebs...

...but I'm too busy with some of
my real friends right now.

But please call to let me know
you got home safely.

Phoebe, hang on a second.

Take my car.
Get your friends.

No, I won't pick them up.

We both know you'll do it
because you're not a jerk.

So you can sulk here for half an hour,
then go get them...

...or save time and sulk in the car.
- Rachel doesn't...

I'm sorry Rachel dumped you for Mark...

...and you're the innocent victim
in this.

But don't punish your friends
for what Rachel did.

Yeah, you're right.

Phoebe, hang on.
Ross wants to say something.

What? You slept with someone else?

We were on a break.

We were... Yeah.

Where are you? I'll find you.

You slept with another woman?

Oh, you're one to talk.

Okay, done.

What's "pleh"?

That's "help" spelled backwards...

...so that the helicopters can read it
from the air.

Ha. What's "dufus" spelled backwards?

RACHEL:
Car. Car.

Oh, it's Ross on one of his drives.

Hey.

What is he doing here?

He is saving your butt.

Unless I'm stepping on
some toes here...

...in which case,
I could just mosey on.

I have plenty of people to help
on the interstate.

JOEY: Come on.
MONICA: We need your help, please.

RACHEL:
Fine. Fine.

[JOEY YELLS]

Oh, no. Now it's
not gonna make any sense.

You guys...

...what do we do about Ross?
He drove all the way up here.

Just send him back,
then we'll go skiing?

This is horrible.
It's just horrible.

Should we ask Ross to come along?

But what about Rachel?
How are we gonna even ask her?

Ask me what?

If, uh, it might be okay if
Ross came skiing?

ALL:
No, I wasn't gonna ask that.

You guys are unbelievable.
No, he cannot come.

- Excuse me?
CHANDLER: It's horrible.

Oh, please? Can't I come
to your special, magical cabin?

Why would you even want to come?
You're a horrible skier.

Oh. Hitting me where it hurts.
My ski skills.

Here we go again.

I can't handle this, you guys.

I can handle it.
"Handle" is my middle name.

Actually, it's the middle part
of my first name.

All right, Pheebs, your cab's ready.

Let's go.

You're welcome.

I'm sorry. Were you speaking
to me, or sleeping with someone else?

We were on a break.

Why don't you just put that
on your answering machine?

It's valid, and I'm not the only one
who thinks so.

Monica agrees with me.

What?

I don't know.

You said it last night.

What I said
was that I understood.

Joey is the one who agreed with you.

Really, Joey?

What?

You know what?
There is no right or wrong here.

I think it's very obvious
who's wrong here.

Obviously not to Joey.

What?

ROSS: Joey and Monica feel like I do.
RACHEL: You and this innocent act.

Hey, guess who I am?

[ARGUING]

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey.

Look what you're doing to Chandler.

Look. We know that this is
really, really hard for you guys.

You don't have to love each other.

You don't even have to like
each other much right now.

But please find a way
to be around each other.

And not put us in the middle.

Otherwise, I mean, that's just it
for us hanging out together.

Is that what you want?

Can you be civil?

- Yeah.
- I can.

Good, let's get back in the car.
It's freezing...

...and my chest is unsupported.

Wait a second.

I mean, what are we doing?
Who's going with who?

Look, you guys should go.

You know,
you planned this all out...

...and I don't wanna ruin it.
So just go.

- You drove all the way up here.
- No, no, no.

I've gotta take
the car back anyway.

I'm spending all day
tomorrow with Ben.

It's fine, okay? Just go.
No guilt, I promise.

Thank you.

MONICA:
We'll call you when we get back.

Maybe we can, like,
go to a movie or something.

Or the rodeo.

- That would be great.
- Okay.

I was being Shelley Winters
from The Poseidon Adventure.

I know.

PHOEBE:
Bye.

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

[HORN HONKS]

[DOORBELL RINGING]

- Ross.
- Hi. Sorry I'm late.

- Were you sleeping?
- Uh, no.

Oh, great.

I had to get you a new battery.
I got the best I could.

You don't want to skimp there.

You're a genius.

It came to about $112.

But what the hell,
call it an even 110?

I'll pay you tomorrow. Bye.

So they, uh, all took off.

It was pretty hard
watching them go, you know?

Yeah, okay. Bye.

ROSS:
So I'm gonna take off then.

[English - US - SDH]