Friends (1994–2004): Season 3, Episode 14 - The One with Phoebe's Ex-Partner - full transcript

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[SINGING]
'Cause every time I see your face

I can't help but fall from grace

Wow. This girl's good.

Oh, yeah, a song with rhyming words.
Ooh, I never thought of that before.

I like her.

Why? Because she can sing
and play guitar...

...and do both at the same time?

Well, that's pretty much all I'm looking for
from these people.

Look at you, all jealous.

Yeah, Pheebs, come on.
You two have completely different styles.

You know, she's more... you know?
And you're more:



Say you'll stay beside me

Okay. See? See?
Everybody else is happy she's done.

Okay, my next song's called:

"Phoebe Buffay, What Can I Say?
I Really Loved When We Were...

...Singing Partners and I Shouldn't
Have Left You That Way."

Oh, no. One of those
look-for-the-hidden-meaning songs.

Hey, Phoebe.

Hey, Leslie.

How'd you know I'd be here?

I ran into Vlad at the place
where they sell the big fish...

...and he said you played here a lot, so...

All right. I have to go to the bathroom.

But if the place with the big fish
comes up again...

...I'd like to know whether that's several
big fish or just one big fish.



So Phoebe tells us you write jingles.

Actually, I said she abandoned me
to write jingles.

Uh, anything we might've heard of?

Uh, yeah, um...

[SINGING]
Home is never far away

ALL:
Home is Homestar Stew

Yeah, but I don't do that anymore.
I got kind of sick of it.

And then I couldn't come up with
anything good, so they fired me.

Hmm, bummer.

Well, you know, I was just...

Um, I was just thinking
and just hoping that...

...maybe you'd want
to get back together?

No, but thanks.

Oh, come on, Phoebe.
Would you just think about it?

Okay.

No, but thanks.

[SIGHS]

Okay, uh...

See you, Pheebs.

Wow. That was kind of brutal.

Well, okay.
Let this be a lesson to all of you.

All right? Once you betray me,
I become like the Ice Woman.

You know, I'm just very cold,
hard, unyielding.

You know, nothing, nothing
can penetrate this icy exterior.

Can I have a tissue, please?

Oh, yes.

Is someone in there?

No. This is just part
of a daredevil game...

...that I play called "Wait Until
the Last Moment Before I Burst and Die."

Jeez, man. Did you fall...? Hi.

So, uh, did you? Did you fall high?

Someone was in the ladies' room.
I couldn't wait.

- I left the lid up for you, though.
- Ha, ha.

You know what, uh, Gunther?
Go, uh... Go ahead.

I'm talking to, uh...

This is the part
where you say your name.

- Ginger.
- Ginger. I'm talking to Ginger, so...

- Don't you have to use the bathroom?
- No.

No, I just, uh...
I'd rather, uh, talk to you.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do have to go to the bathroom.

GUNTHER:
Someone in here.

- Where's Chandler?
- He can't make it.

He said he had to go back
to his, uh, job to do, uh...

Uh-oh.

Joey?

Joey Tribbiani?

Joey, I can see you, okay?

You're hiding behind the coats.

[GROANS]

Close one. Heh.

- Hi.
- Hi, sweetie.

Hello.

Hey, Ross.

Uh-huh.

- I've got some bad news.
- What?

I can get a quick bite,
but I have to come back here.

Come on, sweetie. You've worked late
every night for the past two weeks.

- What is it this time?
- It's kind of my fault. I quit today.

But work comes first.

Oh, hey. But that's sad about you, though.
What happened?

What happened? Burn out?
Burn all out, did you?

No, he's leaving for a better job.

Oh, well, that's great.
So I guess this is, uh, goodbye then.

Goodbye. Ha, ha.

- Okay, then.
- Okay.

Well, we're gonna
miss you around here.

Yeah, me too.

- So see you on Saturday.
- Yeah, you bet.

[PAGER BEEPING
THEN MONICA SHOUTS]

Ugh.

Now, you know those
are a delicacy in India.

Yeah, that was Leslie calling again
to see if we can get back together.

It's like the 20th time today.
Yeah, good luck, Leslie.

Wow. She must've hurt you
pretty bad, huh?

Well, yeah.
You know, we were best friends...

...ever since we were little.
Our moms worked on the barge together.

You two must've been so cute
running around on a barge.

You never run on a barge.

- Hey.
MONICA & PHOEBE: Hey.

Is, uh...? Is Chandler around?

No, um, he met some girl
at the coffeehouse.

JOEY: Ooh.
- Yeah. Ginger something.

No.

No, no. Uh, are you sure it wasn't
something that sounded liked Ginger?

Like, uh, "Gingeer"?

No, it was Ginger.

I remember because
when he told me, I said:

[SINGING]
The movie star

Oh, man.

That's the girl I was hiding from.

When she finds out he's my roommate,
she'll tell him what I did.

- What did you do?
- Oh. Oh, no, no. I can't...

I can't tell you that.
It's like the most awful, horrible thing...

...I've ever done in my whole life.
- You know what? Don't tell us.

We'll wait till Chandler gets home
because it'll be more fun.

JOEY:
All right.

[GROANS]

Okay, it was, like, four years ago.

Okay, Ginger and I had gone out
a few times. Then one weekend...

...we went to her dad's cabin...

...just me, her and her
annoying little dog, Pepper. Heh.

Well, that night I cooked
this really romantic dinner...

You gave her food poisoning.

I wish. No.

After dinner, me, her and Pepper
all fell asleep in front of the fire.

Well, I woke up in the middle of the night
and I saw that the fire was dying out...

...so I picked up a log and threw it on.

Or at least what I thought was a log.

Oh, my God.
You threw Pepper on the fire.

I wish.

See, I guess another thing I probably
should've told you about Ginger...

...is that she kind of has a, uh...

...artificial leg.

Oh, my God.

Joey. What did you do after
you threw her leg on the fire?

I ran.

Well, that's the best kiss I've had...

...with anybody I met in a men's room.

[CHUCKLES]

Actually, me too.

Oh. Foot in a puddle.
Foot all in the puddle.

Oh, damn. I hate that.

We're gonna have to get you
out of those shoes.

Oh, don't worry about it.

- No, really. You're gonna freeze.
- No, I'm not.

Huh. You're not?
What do you got, a bionic foot?

Someday. Maybe.

[LAUGHS]

Funny book?

Hmm? Oh, no, no. I'm just thinking about
something funny I heard today.

Um, Mark saying, "I'll see you Saturday."

Yeah, at the lecture.

I told you that last week.
You said you didn't mind.

Oh, no, no, no.
It's not the lecture, uh, I mind. Um...

Oh, please tell me it's not because
I'm going with Mark.

- Well...
- Oh, my God. Ross.

Well, I'm sorry, but... Look,
if you're not working with him anymore...

...why do you still have to do stuff
with him?

Because he's my friend.

Okay. But do you really need
another friend? I mean...

Okay. Well, if I stop playing with Joey
and Chandler, can I play with Mark?

Is that funny?
Am I suppose to be laughing?

I don't know. You thought
"See you Saturday" was funny.

Look, honey, Mark is in fashion, okay?

I like having a friend
that I can share this stuff with.

You guys would never
go to a lecture with me.

[SHOUTS]

I would love to go with you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Hey, I have clothes. I even pick them out.

I mean, for all you know,
I could be a fashion...

...monger.

Okay. Honey, I would love for you
to go with me.

What?

What should I wear?
Now I'm all nervous.

[DOOR CLOSES]

You know, they say,
"A watched pot never beeps."

It's, you know, ahem...
It's been a couple hours...

...and she hasn't called.

Not that I even care. I don't.

Phoebe, why don't you just call her?

You obviously want to.

You think you know me so well.

- Well, don't you wanna?
- Yeah.

- Okay, so I do know you.
- That's what I said.

- Well, so?
- I can't.

I can't. She dumped me.

I mean, I totally trusted her,
and then one day it was like:

"Okay, bye, Pheebs." Gone.

You know what the saddest part is?
When we were playing together...

...that was like the most fun
I've ever had in, like, all my lives.

[SINGING] My favorite shoes
So good to me, I wear them every day

Down at the heel, holes in the toes
Don't care what people say

My feet's best friend
Pals to the end

With them, I'm one hot chickie

Though late one night
Not much light

I stepped in something icky

BOTH:
Sticky shoes, sticky shoes

Always make me smile

Sticky shoes, sticky shoes
Next time I'll

Avoid the

Pile

[CROWD CHEERING]

MAN: We're beginning to see a lot
of layering of sheer fabrics and colors.

For instance, a sheer navy blouse
over a pink...

I'm really glad we came.

You're so pretty.

I love you.

[SINGING]
Smelly cat, smelly cat

What are they feeding you?

Smelly cat, smelly cat

It's not your fault

Wow, that's great.

- Oh, yeah?
- You know, you could totally sell this.

It'd be perfect for, like, um,
a kitty-litter campaign.

A jingle? No, no, no.

Why not? You make a ton of money.

Okay, if I was in this for the money,
I'd be a millionaire by now, you know?

You gotta get out
of that jingle-head, sweetie.

Ugh. You're right. You're right. I'm sorry.

- That's okay.
- Okay.

All right, I'm gonna play a song now
that's really, really sad.

LESLIE: Okay.
- Okay, it's called "Magician Box Mix-Up."

MAN: Oversized bracelets,
oversized earrings...

...oversizing of accessories in general
is very popular now.

[SNORTS THEN YELPS]

[LAUGHING]

- Hi.
- Hey.

Oh, can I borrow this?
My milk's gone bad.

Oh, I hate that.

I once had a thing of half-and-half.
Stole my car.

So how was your date with Ginger?

Great. Ahem. It was great. She's, uh...

She's great. Great looking,
great personality. She's greatness.

Sounds like she's got the, uh...

...whole package.

- Joey told you about the leg, huh?
- Uh-huh.

Oh, God. It freaked me out.
Okay? I know it shouldn't have, but it did.

I like her. I don't wanna stop seeing her,
but every so often, it's like:

"Hey, you know what?
Where's your leg?"

I mean, I'm the smallest person
in the world, aren't I?

I'm the smallest person in the world.

Morning.

Actually, he's the smallest person
in the world.

[CHUCKLES]

Heard about the leg-burning, huh?

It came up.

Ahem, listen, I, uh...
I know it's a long shot, but...

...by any chance,
did she find that funny?

So I nodded off a little.

"Nodded off"? Ross, you were snoring.

My father's boat didn't make
that much noise when it hit rocks.

Come on. Forty-five minutes.

Forty-five minutes, the man talked
about strappy-backed dresses.

Well, okay, how about four hours
in a freezing museum auditorium...

...listening to Professor Pitstains
and his:

"Hey, everybody. Remember that thing
that's been dead for a gazillion years?

Well, here's a little bone
we didn't know it had."

First of all, it's Professor Pitain.

And second of all,
that little bone proved that...

...that particular dinosaur had wings
but didn't fly.

Okay, you know what I just heard?

Blah, blah, blah.

You know what? A hundred million people
went to see a movie about what I do.

I wonder how many people would go see
a movie called Jurassic Parka.

Oh, that is so...

No, no, no.
A bunch of out-of-control jackets...

...take over an island.

[SCREECHES]

You know, if what I do is so lame...

...then why did you insist on coming
with me this morning?

Huh? Was it so
I just wouldn't go with Mark?

No.

I... I wanted to be with you.

I don't know. I feel like lately...

I feel like you're slipping away from me...

...with this new job
and all these new people.

And you've got this
whole other life going on.

I know it's dumb...

...but I just hate that I'm not a part of it.

It's not dumb.

But maybe it's okay
that you're not a part of it.

You know what I mean?

I mean, it's like I like that you're not
involved in that part of my life.

That's a little clearer.

Honey, see, it doesn't mean
that I don't love you...

...because I do. I love you.
I love you so much.

But my work, it's for me, you know?

I'm out there on my own,
and I'm doing it.

And it's scary,
but I love it because it's mine.

But I mean, is that okay?

Sure. Ha, ha.

You're thinking about my leg,
aren't you?

No, no.

Actually, I forgot.
What is the deal with that again?

Look, it's okay if it bothers you.

I mean, the only thing I need to know
is how much it bothers you...

...because I don't like wasting my time.

Am I wasting my time?

- No. No, I don't think so.
- Okay.

It's just like anything else.
You just have to get used to it.

What's that?

That's my nubbin.

What's a nubbin?

[CLEARS THROAT]

It's kind of a, uh...
A third-nipple kind of thing.

Do you have three nipples?

Well, you know, two regulars, ahem...

...and, uh, one that barely qualifies.

[CHUCKLES]

- Uh, what?
- Nothing. I...

I just remembered. I have to leave.

You, uh...? You have to leave?
Now? How come?

Well, it's nubbin. Nothing.

Um, you know what?
I'll see you later. Okay.

Uh...

Ew.

Oh. I thought you weren't coming.

- Where were you?
- Come here. Come here.

Okay. Don't get mad, okay?

Okay, don't give me a reason to get mad,
okay?

I played "Smelly Cat" for the people
at my old ad agency. They went nuts.

No, look. I told you that I didn't want you
to try and sell it...

...and you just big fat did it anyway.

God. You know what?
I think, five years ago...

...I probably would have done anything
to play with you.

But I can do it by myself, right?
And if I can't trust you, then just forget it.

No. No. I don't wanna forget it.

Okay, you know what?
You have to choose.

All right? If the most important thing
on the planet to you...

...is this cat-poopy thing,
then, okay, you can have "Smelly Cat."

But we won't be partners.

So what's it gonna be?

SINGERS [ON TV]: Smelly cat, smelly cat
ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: Odor in the litter box?

Don't change your kitty.
Change your kitty litter.

SINGERS:
It's not your fault

- Sorry, Pheebs.
- Yeah.

You okay?

Yeah. I actually am. Yeah.

Because, you know, life's gonna
hand you all kinds of stuff.

You know, you learn your little lessons
and hopefully you grow.

You wanna hear a new song?

- Yeah.
- Oh, we'd love to.

Okay.

[SINGING]
Jingle bitch screwed me over

Go to hell, jingle whore

Go to hell, go to hell, go to hell

That's all I have so far.

Well, hello.

JOEY: Where have you been?
- The doctor.

- Is everything okay?
- Oh, yes.

Just had me a little nubbin-ectomy.

Yep. Two nipples, no waiting.

Well. Just like Rachel in high school.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

RACHEL:
What?

Come on. Come on, I was kidding.
It was such an obvious joke.

That was an obvious joke.

And I didn't think of it.
Why didn't I think of it?

The source of all my powers.

Oh, dear God, what have I done?

[English - US - SDH]