Friends (1994–2004): Season 3, Episode 14 - The One with Phoebe's Ex-Partner - full transcript

[SINGING] 'Cause every time I see your face
I can't help but fall from grace
Wow. This girl's good.
Oh, yeah, a song with rhyming words. Ooh, I never thought of that before.
I like her.
Why? Because she can sing and play guitar...
...and do both at the same time?
Well, that's pretty much all I'm looking for from these people.
Look at you, all jealous.
Yeah, Pheebs, come on. You two have completely different styles.
You know, she's more... you know? And you're more:
Say you'll stay beside me
Okay. See? See? Everybody else is happy she's done.
Okay, my next song's called:
"Phoebe Buffay, What Can I Say? I Really Loved When We Were...
...Singing Partners and I Shouldn't Have Left You That Way."
Oh, no. One of those look-for-the-hidden-meaning songs.
Hey, Phoebe.
Hey, Leslie.
How'd you know I'd be here?
I ran into Vlad at the place where they sell the big fish...
...and he said you played here a lot, so...
All right. I have to go to the bathroom.
But if the place with the big fish comes up again...
...I'd like to know whether that's several big fish or just one big fish.
So Phoebe tells us you write jingles.
Actually, I said she abandoned me to write jingles.
Uh, anything we might've heard of?
Uh, yeah, um...
[SINGING] Home is never far away
ALL: Home is Homestar Stew
Yeah, but I don't do that anymore. I got kind of sick of it.
And then I couldn't come up with anything good, so they fired me.
Hmm, bummer.
Well, you know, I was just...
Um, I was just thinking and just hoping that...
...maybe you'd want to get back together?
No, but thanks.
Oh, come on, Phoebe. Would you just think about it?
Okay.
No, but thanks.
[SIGHS]
Okay, uh...
See you, Pheebs.
Wow. That was kind of brutal.
Well, okay. Let this be a lesson to all of you.
All right? Once you betray me, I become like the Ice Woman.
You know, I'm just very cold, hard, unyielding.
You know, nothing, nothing can penetrate this icy exterior.
Can I have a tissue, please?
Oh, yes.
Is someone in there?
No. This is just part of a daredevil game...
...that I play called "Wait Until the Last Moment Before I Burst and Die."
Jeez, man. Did you fall...? Hi.
So, uh, did you? Did you fall high?
Someone was in the ladies' room. I couldn't wait.
- I left the lid up for you, though. - Ha, ha.
You know what, uh, Gunther? Go, uh... Go ahead.
I'm talking to, uh...
This is the part where you say your name.
- Ginger. - Ginger. I'm talking to Ginger, so...
- Don't you have to use the bathroom? - No.
No, I just, uh... I'd rather, uh, talk to you.
Yes, I do.
Yes, I do have to go to the bathroom.
GUNTHER: Someone in here.
- Where's Chandler? - He can't make it.
He said he had to go back to his, uh, job to do, uh...
Uh-oh.
Joey?
Joey Tribbiani?
Joey, I can see you, okay?
You're hiding behind the coats.
[GROANS]
Close one. Heh.
- Hi. - Hi, sweetie.
Hello.
Hey, Ross.
Uh-huh.
- I've got some bad news. - What?
I can get a quick bite, but I have to come back here.
Come on, sweetie. You've worked late every night for the past two weeks.
- What is it this time? - It's kind of my fault. I quit today.
But work comes first.
Oh, hey. But that's sad about you, though. What happened?
What happened? Burn out? Burn all out, did you?
No, he's leaving for a better job.
Oh, well, that's great. So I guess this is, uh, goodbye then.
Goodbye. Ha, ha.
- Okay, then. - Okay.
Well, we're gonna miss you around here.
Yeah, me too.
- So see you on Saturday. - Yeah, you bet.
[PAGER BEEPING THEN MONICA SHOUTS]
Ugh.
Now, you know those are a delicacy in India.
Yeah, that was Leslie calling again to see if we can get back together.
It's like the 20th time today. Yeah, good luck, Leslie.
Wow. She must've hurt you pretty bad, huh?
Well, yeah. You know, we were best friends...
...ever since we were little. Our moms worked on the barge together.
You two must've been so cute running around on a barge.
You never run on a barge.
- Hey. MONICA & PHOEBE: Hey.
Is, uh...? Is Chandler around?
No, um, he met some girl at the coffeehouse.
JOEY: Ooh. - Yeah. Ginger something.
No.
No, no. Uh, are you sure it wasn't something that sounded liked Ginger?
Like, uh, "Gingeer"?
No, it was Ginger.
I remember because when he told me, I said:
[SINGING] The movie star
Oh, man.
That's the girl I was hiding from.
When she finds out he's my roommate, she'll tell him what I did.
- What did you do? - Oh. Oh, no, no. I can't...
I can't tell you that. It's like the most awful, horrible thing...
...I've ever done in my whole life. - You know what? Don't tell us.
We'll wait till Chandler gets home because it'll be more fun.
JOEY: All right.
[GROANS]
Okay, it was, like, four years ago.
Okay, Ginger and I had gone out a few times. Then one weekend...
...we went to her dad's cabin...
...just me, her and her annoying little dog, Pepper. Heh.
Well, that night I cooked this really romantic dinner...
You gave her food poisoning.
I wish. No.
After dinner, me, her and Pepper all fell asleep in front of the fire.
Well, I woke up in the middle of the night and I saw that the fire was dying out...
...so I picked up a log and threw it on.
Or at least what I thought was a log.
Oh, my God. You threw Pepper on the fire.
I wish.
See, I guess another thing I probably should've told you about Ginger...
...is that she kind of has a, uh...
...artificial leg.
Oh, my God.
Joey. What did you do after you threw her leg on the fire?
I ran.
Well, that's the best kiss I've had...
...with anybody I met in a men's room.
[CHUCKLES]
Actually, me too.
Oh. Foot in a puddle. Foot all in the puddle.
Oh, damn. I hate that.
We're gonna have to get you out of those shoes.
Oh, don't worry about it.
- No, really. You're gonna freeze. - No, I'm not.
Huh. You're not? What do you got, a bionic foot?
Someday. Maybe.
[LAUGHS]
Funny book?
Hmm? Oh, no, no. I'm just thinking about something funny I heard today.
Um, Mark saying, "I'll see you Saturday."
Yeah, at the lecture.
I told you that last week. You said you didn't mind.
Oh, no, no, no. It's not the lecture, uh, I mind. Um...
Oh, please tell me it's not because I'm going with Mark.
- Well... - Oh, my God. Ross.
Well, I'm sorry, but... Look, if you're not working with him anymore...
...why do you still have to do stuff with him?
Because he's my friend.
Okay. But do you really need another friend? I mean...
Okay. Well, if I stop playing with Joey and Chandler, can I play with Mark?
Is that funny? Am I suppose to be laughing?
I don't know. You thought "See you Saturday" was funny.
Look, honey, Mark is in fashion, okay?
I like having a friend that I can share this stuff with.
You guys would never go to a lecture with me.
[SHOUTS]
I would love to go with you.
- Really? - Yeah.
Hey, I have clothes. I even pick them out.
I mean, for all you know, I could be a fashion...
...monger.
Okay. Honey, I would love for you to go with me.
What?
What should I wear? Now I'm all nervous.
[DOOR CLOSES]
You know, they say, "A watched pot never beeps."
It's, you know, ahem... It's been a couple hours...
...and she hasn't called.
Not that I even care. I don't.
Phoebe, why don't you just call her?
You obviously want to.
You think you know me so well.
- Well, don't you wanna? - Yeah.
- Okay, so I do know you. - That's what I said.
- Well, so? - I can't.
I can't. She dumped me.
I mean, I totally trusted her, and then one day it was like:
"Okay, bye, Pheebs." Gone.
You know what the saddest part is? When we were playing together...
...that was like the most fun I've ever had in, like, all my lives.
[SINGING] My favorite shoes So good to me, I wear them every day
Down at the heel, holes in the toes Don't care what people say
My feet's best friend Pals to the end
With them, I'm one hot chickie
Though late one night Not much light
I stepped in something icky
BOTH: Sticky shoes, sticky shoes
Always make me smile
Sticky shoes, sticky shoes Next time I'll
Avoid the
Pile
[CROWD CHEERING]
MAN: We're beginning to see a lot of layering of sheer fabrics and colors.
For instance, a sheer navy blouse over a pink...
I'm really glad we came.
You're so pretty.
I love you.
[SINGING] Smelly cat, smelly cat
What are they feeding you?
Smelly cat, smelly cat
It's not your fault
Wow, that's great.
- Oh, yeah? - You know, you could totally sell this.
It'd be perfect for, like, um, a kitty-litter campaign.
A jingle? No, no, no.
Why not? You make a ton of money.
Okay, if I was in this for the money, I'd be a millionaire by now, you know?
You gotta get out of that jingle-head, sweetie.
Ugh. You're right. You're right. I'm sorry.
- That's okay. - Okay.
All right, I'm gonna play a song now that's really, really sad.
LESLIE: Okay. - Okay, it's called "Magician Box Mix-Up."
MAN: Oversized bracelets, oversized earrings...
...oversizing of accessories in general is very popular now.
[SNORTS THEN YELPS]
[LAUGHING]
- Hi. - Hey.
Oh, can I borrow this? My milk's gone bad.
Oh, I hate that.
I once had a thing of half-and-half. Stole my car.
So how was your date with Ginger?
Great. Ahem. It was great. She's, uh...
She's great. Great looking, great personality. She's greatness.
Sounds like she's got the, uh...
...whole package.
- Joey told you about the leg, huh? - Uh-huh.
Oh, God. It freaked me out. Okay? I know it shouldn't have, but it did.
I like her. I don't wanna stop seeing her, but every so often, it's like:
"Hey, you know what? Where's your leg?"
I mean, I'm the smallest person in the world, aren't I?
I'm the smallest person in the world.
Morning.
Actually, he's the smallest person in the world.
[CHUCKLES]
Heard about the leg-burning, huh?
It came up.
Ahem, listen, I, uh... I know it's a long shot, but...
...by any chance, did she find that funny?
So I nodded off a little.
"Nodded off"? Ross, you were snoring.
My father's boat didn't make that much noise when it hit rocks.
Come on. Forty-five minutes.
Forty-five minutes, the man talked about strappy-backed dresses.
Well, okay, how about four hours in a freezing museum auditorium...
...listening to Professor Pitstains and his:
"Hey, everybody. Remember that thing that's been dead for a gazillion years?
Well, here's a little bone we didn't know it had."
First of all, it's Professor Pitain.
And second of all, that little bone proved that...
...that particular dinosaur had wings but didn't fly.
Okay, you know what I just heard?
Blah, blah, blah.
You know what? A hundred million people went to see a movie about what I do.
I wonder how many people would go see a movie called Jurassic Parka.
Oh, that is so...
No, no, no. A bunch of out-of-control jackets...
...take over an island.
[SCREECHES]
You know, if what I do is so lame...
...then why did you insist on coming with me this morning?
Huh? Was it so I just wouldn't go with Mark?
No.
I... I wanted to be with you.
I don't know. I feel like lately...
I feel like you're slipping away from me...
...with this new job and all these new people.
And you've got this whole other life going on.
I know it's dumb...
...but I just hate that I'm not a part of it.
It's not dumb.
But maybe it's okay that you're not a part of it.
You know what I mean?
I mean, it's like I like that you're not involved in that part of my life.
That's a little clearer.
Honey, see, it doesn't mean that I don't love you...
...because I do. I love you. I love you so much.
But my work, it's for me, you know?
I'm out there on my own, and I'm doing it.
And it's scary, but I love it because it's mine.
But I mean, is that okay?
Sure. Ha, ha.
You're thinking about my leg, aren't you?
No, no.
Actually, I forgot. What is the deal with that again?
Look, it's okay if it bothers you.
I mean, the only thing I need to know is how much it bothers you...
...because I don't like wasting my time.
Am I wasting my time?
- No. No, I don't think so. - Okay.
It's just like anything else. You just have to get used to it.
What's that?
That's my nubbin.
What's a nubbin?
[CLEARS THROAT]
It's kind of a, uh... A third-nipple kind of thing.
Do you have three nipples?
Well, you know, two regulars, ahem...
...and, uh, one that barely qualifies.
[CHUCKLES]
- Uh, what? - Nothing. I...
I just remembered. I have to leave.
You, uh...? You have to leave? Now? How come?
Well, it's nubbin. Nothing.
Um, you know what? I'll see you later. Okay.
Uh...
Ew.
Oh. I thought you weren't coming.
- Where were you? - Come here. Come here.
Okay. Don't get mad, okay?
Okay, don't give me a reason to get mad, okay?
I played "Smelly Cat" for the people at my old ad agency. They went nuts.
No, look. I told you that I didn't want you to try and sell it...
...and you just big fat did it anyway.
God. You know what? I think, five years ago...
...I probably would have done anything to play with you.
But I can do it by myself, right? And if I can't trust you, then just forget it.
No. No. I don't wanna forget it.
Okay, you know what? You have to choose.
All right? If the most important thing on the planet to you...
...is this cat-poopy thing, then, okay, you can have "Smelly Cat."
But we won't be partners.
So what's it gonna be?
SINGERS [ON TV]: Smelly cat, smelly cat ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: Odor in the litter box?
Don't change your kitty. Change your kitty litter.
SINGERS: It's not your fault
- Sorry, Pheebs. - Yeah.
You okay?
Yeah. I actually am. Yeah.
Because, you know, life's gonna hand you all kinds of stuff.
You know, you learn your little lessons and hopefully you grow.
You wanna hear a new song?
- Yeah. - Oh, we'd love to.
Okay.
[SINGING] Jingle bitch screwed me over
Go to hell, jingle whore
Go to hell, go to hell, go to hell
That's all I have so far.
Well, hello.
JOEY: Where have you been? - The doctor.
- Is everything okay? - Oh, yes.
Just had me a little nubbin-ectomy.
Yep. Two nipples, no waiting.
Well. Just like Rachel in high school.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
RACHEL: What?
Come on. Come on, I was kidding. It was such an obvious joke.
That was an obvious joke.
And I didn't think of it. Why didn't I think of it?
The source of all my powers.
Oh, dear God, what have I done?
[English - US - SDH]