Friends (1994–2004): Season 3, Episode 13 - The One Where Monica and Richard Are Just Friends - full transcript

Hey.
Six dollars, please.
Six? I just had it for one night. It's 3.
Eight o'clock is the cutoff. And, oh, it's 8:02.
You know, in a weird way, you have too much power.
Look, you're gonna have to help me out here because I only have 3.
I can help with that.
Oh, my God. Richard?
- Hi. - Hi.
Wow. Your lip went bald.
[CHUCKLES]
Thanks.
So you look great.
Yeah, right. Ha, ha.
No, you do. You...
- You just... You... - What?
You got panties stuck to your leg.
Ahem, that's because I was just grabbing some things out of the dryer...
...and static cling. Ha, ha.
Or maybe it's just because God knew I'd be running into you...
...and saw an opportunity.
It's good to see you.
It's good to see you too.
[MONICA GROANS]
- See that guy? He's in "Classics" now... - Who?
...but you know as soon as we leave, he's going straight to the porn.
He's gonna go up to the counter with Citizen Kane...
...Vertigo and Clockwork Orgy. - Ha, ha.
[SIGHS]
This is nice.
- Ha, ha. Yeah. - I miss this.
Me too.
So you wanna get a hamburger or something?
Aw, um, I don't know if that's a good idea.
No. Just friends. I won't grope you. I promise.
Yeah, I think it's too soon.
No, it's not too soon. I had lunch at 11.
Yeah, baby.
- What are you doing? - Making chocolate milk. You want some?
No, thanks. I'm 29.
Oh, my God. I gotta go to work.
What time do you think you're gonna get off tonight?
I don't know, honey. It could be really late.
Oh, come on. Not again.
Oh, I know. I'm sorry. Listen, I'll make a deal with you, okay?
- Mm. - Every night that you're asleep...
...before I get home from work... - Yeah.
...I will wake you up in a way that has proved very popular in the past.
Well, now, if you need to stay late, I want to be supportive of that.
RACHEL: Thank you.
- Hi. ROSS: Hey, Pheebs.
- Hi. JOEY: Hey.
Look at you. Since when do you Rollerblade?
Oh. Since tomorrow.
I met this really cute guy in the park.
And he, like, you know, jogs and blades and swims, and so we made a deal.
He's gonna teach me how to do all sorts ofjock stuff.
- And what are you gonna do for him? - I'm gonna let him.
- Okay. - Cool.
- Morning. ALL: Hey.
- Somebody got in late last night. PHOEBE: Ahem.
Yeah, well, I ran into Richard.
[GASPS]
- When did this happen? - Oh, um, around 8:02.
And we, uh, talked for a little while...
...and then, um, we went out for an innocent burger.
Oh, there's no such thing as an innocent burger.
ROSS: Are you gonna see him again? - Tomorrow night.
Monica, what are you doing?
Well, she spent the last six months getting over him...
...and now she's celebrating that by going on a date with him.
It's not a date, okay?
I'm just gonna teach him how to make a lasagna for some potluck dinner he has.
Well, you might want to make a little extra because, you know...
...you'll probably be hungry after the sex. ROSS: Mm.
We're not gonna have sex.
Okay? Nothing's changed here.
He still doesn't want children, and I still do.
So that's why we're gonna just be friends.
Naked friends.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Hey. Do you have any ice? - Hey.
Check the freezer.
If there's none in there, we're probably out.
Are you just getting home from work? It's late.
Yeah, I know. I had the greatest day, though.
I got to sit in on a meeting with the reps from Calvin Klein.
I told my boss I liked this line of lingerie, she ordered a ton of it.
How was your day?
I discovered I'm able to count all my teeth using just my tongue.
RACHEL: Hmm.
Um...
Why do you have a copy of The Shining in your freezer?
Oh. I was reading it last night and I got scared, so...
But, uh, you're safe from it if it's in the freezer?
Well, safer.
I never start reading The Shining...
...without making sure we got plenty of room in the freezer.
- You know? - Ha, ha.
How often do you read it?
Haven't you ever read the same book over and over again?
Well, um, I guess I read Little Women more than once.
But that's a classic. What's so great about The Shining?
The question should be, Rach, "What is not so great about The Shining?"
Okay? And the answer would be, "Nothing." All right?
This is, like, the scariest book ever.
I bet it's way better than that classic of yours.
- Ha, ha. - Okay.
Uh, well, we'll just see about that, okay?
I will read The Shining, and you will read Little Women.
- All right, you got it. - All right?
- Okay. - Okay.
- Uh, now, Rach, these little women... - Yeah.
How little are they?
I mean, are they, like, scary little?
- Um, Chandler, Ross? This is Robert. CHANDLER & ROSS: Oh, hey.
- Hi. - You have lipstick right here.
- Oh. - Huh. That's okay, it's mine.
We just kissed.
So isn't it a bit cold out for shorts?
Well, I'm from California.
Right, right. Sometimes you guys just burst into flame.
I'm up. Ahem. I'm up. I've gotten up now.
Anybody, uh, want anything?
- I'll have coffee. - Yeah, me too.
ROSS: Yeah, make that three. - Okay. Ross, why don't you come with me?
Okay. Ha, ha.
What is the matter with you? What's going on?
Robert's coming out.
What do you mean? What, is he gay?
No, he...
He's coming out of his shorts.
What?
The man is showing brain.
Are you sure? Hold on.
Ahem. I'm sorry, you guys. That was a coffee and a...
ROBERT: Coffee. We could write it down. - Okay.
No, no. That won't be, uh... Won't be necessary.
[CHUCKLES]
- Well? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What do we do? What do we do?
Well, I suppose we just try to not look directly at it.
Like an eclipse.
When people compliment me on my cooking tonight, what do I say?
Well, you say, "Thank you very much." And then you buy me something pretty.
Come on, we're gonna put our hands in this bowl...
...and we're gonna start squishing the tomatoes.
Ooh, this feels very weird.
Heh. You touch people's eyeballs every day and this feels weird?
Yeah, well, sure, I touch them.
But I spent years learning not to squish them.
That's my hand.
Oh.
- Okay. - Gotta keep squishing.
The tomatoes are squishing.
- Oh, yeah. Oh. - Oh.
Oh, gosh. You got some on your shirt.
- Yeah. - Hold on a second.
Okay, just put a little club soda on it. Get to it right away.
It should, um, do...
...the trick.
What?
Um, you've got some on your pants.
I'll just throw them out.
These little women.
Wow.
You're liking it, huh?
Oh, yeah. Amy just burned Jo's manuscript.
I don't see how he could ever forgive her.
Um, Jo's a girl. It's short for Josephine.
But Jo's got a crush on Laurie.
Oh.
You mean it's like a girl-girl thing?
Because that is the one thing missing from The Shining.
No, actually, Laurie's a boy.
No wonder Rachel had to read this so many times.
- Hey. - Hey.
ROSS: Hey, how'd the, uh, basketball go?
Oh, okay. I learned how to shoot a lay-up, a foul shot, and a 23-pointer.
You mean a 3-pointer?
Oh, I get more because I'm dainty.
So, um, is there a phone here I can check my messages?
- Yeah, in the back. Do you want a quarter? - Oh, no. I always carry one in my sock.
What are you doing? Get back over on your side of the...
Hello.
- Hi. I'm Joey. We haven't met. ROBERT: Hi.
- Uh, good to meet you. Robert. - Okay.
[ALL LAUGHING]
What?
What? You guys, what is going on?
Do you not like Robert?
Why are you laughing?
Calm down. No reason to get testy.
[BOTH SHOUTING]
- You guys. Come on. - We're sorry.
It just seems that Robert isn't as concealed in the shorts area...
...as, uh, one may have hoped.
How do you mean?
ROBERT: Hey. - Hey.
Uh, Robert? Could you, uh, pass me those cookies?
Sure.
[GASPS]
MONICA: So how'd the lasagna go over?
Really? Good. So you owe me three pretty things.
Yeah. I've been thinking about you too.
Well, no. It's hard, this platonomy thing.
What...? It's a word.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Yeah. I do think it's better this way. Yeah, we're being smart.
Yes, I'm sure.
You really sure?
I'll call you back.
So we can be friends who sleep together.
Absolutely. This'll just be something we do.
Like racquetball.
Yeah. Sounds smart and healthy to me.
So, um, just out of, uh, curiosity...
...um, do you currently have any other racquetball buddies?
Just your dad.
Although that's actually racquetball.
You know, I do have a blind date...
...with my sister's neighbor next Tuesday.
Do you want me to cancel it?
No.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
- No. - Yeah.
Because if you did, that means you'd be canceling for me.
- And we're just friends. - Exactly.
Hey.
PHOEBE: Hey. Oh, don't sit down.
- Ready to go to the batting cage? - You bet.
And first, here's a gift. Ha, ha.
Oh, wow.
- Hey. - Stretchy pants?
Well, those are the greatest things in the world.
If I were you, I'd wear them every day, every day.
Jeez, thank you. Really, that's so nice.
But, um, to be honest, I don't think I can wear these.
They're so tight. I'd feel like I'm on display.
I'm sorry.
That's all right. I'll figure...
ROBERT: Hey. - How you doing?
- How's it going? - Good.
- Good. JOEY: Hey, Rach?
- How you doing with The Shining? - Uh, Danny just went into Room 217.
Ooh. The next part's the best. When that dead lady in the bathtub...
No, no, no. Come on. You're gonna ruin it.
All right, I'll talk in code.
Remember when the kid sees those two blanks in the hallway?
- Yeah, that's very cool. JOEY: Yeah.
Ooh. All blank and no blank makes blank a blank-blank, right?
Oh, no, no. No, the end.
When Jack almost kills them all with that blank...
...but then in the last second they get away. Aw.
Joey, I can't believe you just did that.
I can't believe she cracked your code.
All right, okay. Laurie proposes to Jo and she says no...
...even though she's still in love with him. And then he ends up marrying Amy.
Hey.
Mine was by accident.
All right.
The boiler explodes and destroys the hotel and kills the dad.
[SCOFFS]
Beth dies.
[GASPS]
Beth...? Beth dies?
Mm-hm.
Is that true? If I keep reading, is Beth gonna die?
No, Beth doesn't die. She doesn't die. Does she, Rachel?
- What? - Joey's asking if you've just ruined...
...the first book he's ever loved that didn't star Jack Nicholson.
No. She doesn't die.
Then why would you say that?
Because I wanted to hurt you.
Oh, there they are. I dropped my keys.
[GASPS]
ROBERT: Got them.
Hi.
Sorry. I'm sorry.
MONICA: You would not believe my day.
I had to work two shifts. And then to top it off...
...I lost one of my fake boobs in a grill fire.
What are you smiling at?
Sorry, I was just thinking your day could still pick up.
Hello.
I love this friend thing.
Listen, Robert's gonna be here any second...
...so could one of you just tell him?
- Oh. PHOEBE: Please, right now.
No, every time I see him, it's like, "Is it on the loose? Is it watching me?"
We can't tell him.
You can't go up to a guy you barely know and talk about his...
...stuff.
He's right. Even if it's to say something complimentary.
- Hey. ROSS & PHOEBE: Hey.
So you ready for the gym?
They've got this new rock-climbing wall. We can spot each other.
Yeah, I can spot you from here.
What?
Okay. Listen, ahem, Robert...
- Hey, don't we have to? - Yeah, we got... Yeah. Mm-hm.
Um...
I think you're really, really great.
Oh, God. Here we go again.
Why does this keep happening to me? Is it something I'm putting out there?
Is this my fault? Or am I just nuts?
I don't know what to say.
Hey, buddy? This is a family place. Put the mouse back in the house.
[DOOR OPENS]
Ow.
RICHARD: Really? Well, it's just like everyone else's apartment.
It's got, uh, rooms and walls and ceilings.
WOMAN: I just wanted to see where you live. Now give me the tour.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
RICHARD: Uh, this is the living room. WOMAN: That's nice.
RICHARD: All right.
- And this is the kitchen. WOMAN: That's real pretty.
Wait a minute. Don't I get to see the bedroom?
RICHARD: The bedroom. Well, it's pretty much your typical...
...bedroom. - Oh, ha, ha.
- We're still on this side of the door. Ha, ha. - Mm-hm.
Yeah, but I didn't get to see it.
Oh, shoot. Maybe next time. Thanks for a lovely evening.
MONICA: So, um, who is she?
Oh, ha, ha. That was the blind date I told you about.
- She called and switched it from Tuesday. - Aw.
Did you like her?
And I'm just asking as a friend because I am totally fine with this.
Well, you seem fine.
Okay, you know what? I'm not fine. I'm not.
I mean, how could I be fine? Hearing you come in with her.
She wants to see your bedroom.
You know what?
What if we're friends...
...who don't see other people?
You mean like exclusive friends?
Why not?
I mean, this has been the most amazing week.
Would it be so terrible?
Even if we were friends who lived together?
Or maybe someday, friends who stood up in front of their other friends...
...and vowed to be friends forever.
Wow.
You know, we're back where we were.
Honey, I would love to do all that, but nothing's changed.
That's not true. You don't have a mustache.
[CHUCKLES]
Okay. Okay, one thing's changed.
But we still want different things, and we know how this is gonna end.
You know what?
I gotta walk out of here right now.
Because getting over you is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do.
Um, I don't think I could do it again.
I know I couldn't.
Yeah.
So...
[RICHARD CHUCKLES]
How about one last game of racquetball? Hmm?
[MONICA CHUCKLES]
- Watch the thorns. - Ow.
What?
Beth is really, really sick.
Oh.
Jo's there, but I don't think there's anything she can do.
- Joey? - Yeah?
You wanna put the book in the freezer?
BOTH: Okay.
[English - US - SDH]