Friends (1994–2004): Season 2, Episode 11 - The One with the Lesbian Wedding - full transcript

Okay, here's his diaper bag...

...and his Mr. Winky.

And...

... him. Hi!

-How did everything go?
-Great!

There was a projectile...

...throwing up incident,
but he started it.

We've gotta go.

Oh, right.

I've got some news.
It's about us.

You and me?



No. Susan and me.

The other "us."

We're getting married.

As in, "I now pronounce you
wife and wife" married?

We'd like you to come.
We understand if you don't want to.

Why wouldn't I want to come?
I had fun at the first wedding.

I just thought that

Why shouldn't I be happy for you?
What would it say about me...

...if I couldn't revel
in your joy?

And I'm reveling, baby!
Believe me!

Is your finger caught in that chair?

Want us to go?

The One With the Lesbian Wedding

This is cool.
You're actually on television.



I know.
It really hit me last night.

I'm on Days of our Lives.

Then I started thinking about us,
and how these are the days of our lives.

Yes!

What?

Carol and Susan's caterer
had a bike accident...

...and she's in a
full-body cast.

They want me to do it, which is cool
since I've never catered...

...and I need the money.
Is this a problem for you, isn't it?

-Would it matter?
-You're so great!

Thank you!

-You're really not going?
-I'm really not.

They already live together.
Why do they need to get married?

They love each other.

They wanna celebrate that love
with the people close to them.

If you wanna call
that a reason.

Who's the bitterest
man in the living room?

The bitterest man
in the living room?

Hi, neighbor.

-I thought you were over this.
-That has nothing to do with it.

She is my ex-wife, If she were marrying a guy,
you wouldn't expect me to go.

If she were marrying a guy,
she'd be the worst lesbian ever.

Did I miss it?

No, I'm on right after this guy
shoots himself.

She's pretty.

And she's really nice.

She taught me about
how to work with the cameras...

...and smell-the-fart acting.

-I'm sorry, what?
-Excuse me?

smell-the-fart acting

You got so many lines
to learn so fast that sometimes...

...you need a minute
to remember your next one.

So while you're thinking...

...you take this big pause
where you look all intense.

Like this....

Here's my scene!
Here's my scene!

Mrs. Wallace?

Dr. Drake Ramoray,
your sister's neurosurgeon.

Is she going to be all right?

I'm afraid the situation
is much more dire than we'd expected.

Your sister's suffering from a...

...subcranial hematoma.

Perhaps we can
discuss this further over coffee.

Nice!

For a minute, I thought you were
actually smelling something.

-Do it again!
-All right!

-That was so good!
-Do it again.

"Damn it, Braverman!
It's right there on the chart!"

I gotta get to work.
I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect.

No, that's me.

Oh, right.

Oh, thanks. Couldn't....

Is everything okay?

No.

One of my clients died
on the massage table today.

Oh, my God!

That's a little more relaxed
than you want them to get.

She was, you know,
82 years old...

...and her name was
Mrs. Adelman.

Oh, honey.

It's just so strange. You know...

...she probably woke up
this morning and thought...

... I'll have some breakfast,
take a walk, then have my massage.

Little did she know God thought,
"Okay, but that's it."

Oh, but the weirdest things was...

... I was cleansing her aura
when it happened.

And when her spirit
left her body...

... I don't think it went very far.

What do you mean?

I think it went into me.

This is so hard.

I can't decide
between lamb or duck.

Well, lambs are scarier.

Otherwise the movie would've been
called silence of the Ducks.

Okay, who ordered what?

I had the half-drunk cappuccino
with the lipstick on the rim.

And this with the cigarette
butt in it, is that decaf?

Oh, God.

You're so uptight
about your mom coming.

I know. I just don't want
her to think that because...

... I didn't marry Barry
my life is total crap.

Talk about crap, just
listen to Stella Neidman...

...tell her story about Rod Steiger
for the hundredth time.

I'm sorry. At least you guys haven't
need to hear staff she said in my head.

Pheebs? How long do you think
this lady will be with us?

I don't know. She obviously
has some unfinished business.

Sit up!

There she is!

-Mom!
-Hey, sweetie!

So this is where you work!

Oh, it's wonderful!

Is it a living room?
Is it a restaurant? Who can tell?

I guess that's the fun.

Pretty much.
Here, meet my friends.

Monica! You look gorgeous!

Oh, my! The last time I saw you,
it was eat or be eaten.

This is Joey.

This is Phoebe.

This is Chandler.

You remember Ross?

Oh, hello, Ross.

Mrs. Greene.

What do you think of my
daughter, in the apron...

...with the big job!

Oh, Mom!

If you didn't pour the coffee,
no one would have anything to drink.

Believe me, sometimes that happens.

This is just so exciting!
You know, I never worked.

I went straight from my father's house
to the sorority house...

...to my husband's house.
I am just so proud of you!

Really?

Let's make a day of it!

We will have lunch, we will shopping,
we will get nails done, whatever you want.

Mom, I have to work.

What! No one else can pour coffee?

I know who you remind me of.

Evelyn Durmer.

That's before the lousy face-lift.
Now she looks like Soupy Sales.

Pheebs? Who's Evelyn Durmer?

I don't know.
Who's Soupy Sales?

Oh, my God!

There's an unattractive
nude man playing the cello.

Just be glad he's not playing
a smaller instrument.

You have some life here, sweetie!

Mom, I realize you and dad were upset
when I didn't marry Barry...

...and get the house in the suburbs
with all the security.

This is just
so much better for me.

I do know.
You didn't love Barry, honey.

And I've never seen you this happy.

I look at you and I think,
"This is what I want."

For me.

Well, not just for you.

What do you mean?

I'm considering
leaving your father.

All right, tell me
if this is too cute.

Lesbian wedding...
chicken breasts.

Oh, God.
I think I'm gonna be sick.

What? It's not like I'm putting
little nipples on them.

Oh! Honey, I'm sorry. Please don't be mad at me.

What can I do? You order me to make those martial art trick you used to like.

I can call it Carl Meilong to find out how?

Mom, I just don't understand.
I thought you are happy.

So did I.

You know sometime you are driving on the highway, and you get home, and you can't actually remember you have driven there.

That's kind of my life being like.

Coundn't you listen to the radio more?

I wish it is that easy. But then I see you here and I keep thinking why can't I have this?

I want adventures, I want hang out, I want Chandler.

Believe me, Chandler is no reason to leave daddy!

You think it's something having a lot of fun,
but it's really hard, really hard.

I got this lausy job, I barely know how to make it ramdon.
Forget about to buying stuff.

Honey! You don't understand.
I'm be doing what you are doning, but with money.

It's very different.

-You had no idea what they getting along?
-None.

They didn't fight a lot?

No, they didn't even
talk to each other.

How was I suppose to know
they were having problems?

You know, in my day,
divorce was not an option.

Hey, look who's up!

I just can't believe
this is happening!

When I was little,
everybody's parents got divorced.

I figured as an grown up,
I wouldn't have to worry about it.

Can't you look at this
as flattering?

She just wants to be like you.

Well, couldn't she have just
copied my haircut?

When my parents divorced,
they sent me to a shrink...

...and she told me
that kids blame themselves.

But in your case,
it's actually kind of true.

Oh, that's him.

Damn! My mail-order
grandfather hasn't come yet.

-Phoebe?
-Hi, Mr. Adelman.

-Nice to see you.
-Thanks for meeting me.

That's okay. Although you did
cut into my busy day of sitting.

Do you wanna sit?

No, I spent most of my morning
trying to stand up.

What can I do
for you, my dear?

Okay, I don't know how
to say this, but....

I think when your wife's spirit
left her body...

...it kind of stuck around...

...in me.

You're saying
my wife is in you?

Yeah. You don't have to
believe me, but...

...can you think of
any unfinished business she had?

Any reason to hang around?

I don't know what to say.

All I can think of is that...

...she used to say that before she died,
she wanted to see everything.

-Everything?
-Everything.

That's a lot of stuff.

Oh, wait, l....

I remember she also said she wanted
to sleep with me one last time.

I'm sorry.
There's laughing in my head.

Worth a shot, huh?

Look at this!

These are all Halloween,
three years ago.

My little matini. I love your oral of hair.

Oh, and look, here's Barry.

He came straight
from the office?

Oh, no.
That was his costume.

See, he's actually an orthodontist,
but he came as a regular dentist.

He thought that was really funny.

You guys?

Remember when I said
that I don't need your help?

Actually, I think you said...

... "Don't touch that
and get out of my kitchen."

Really? Weird.
Anyway....

I planned really well.
I planned and planned.

I just didn't plan
enough time to do it.

-You want some help?
-lf you want.

What a day!

I took her everywhere.

The Museum of Modern Art,
Rockefeller Center...

...the Statue of Liberty.

She's still with you?

Yes. I guess she hasn't
seen everything yet.

Be right back. She has to go
to the bathroom again.

Such a pretty face!

Oh, this is so much fun!
Just the girls!

Do you know what we should do?
Does anybody have any marijuana?

God!

Did I have to ask do we have pot.

Look, no one's smoking pot
around all this food.

Well, that's fine.

I never did it.
I just thought I might.

What's new in sex?

What's new in sex?

The only man I've been with
is your father.

I'm dicing. I'm dicing.
I don't hear anything.

This is no offense to your dad,
but I was thinking...

...there might be more.

You know what? I cannot
have this conversation with you.

All right.

You come here and drop this bomb on me
before you even tell Daddy.

Do you want my blessing?
Want me to talk you out of it?

Then what do you want?

I guess I figured
you would understand.

Why on earth
would I understand this?

You didn't marry your Barry, honey.

But I married mine.

We're in trouble. We've only got
12 hours and 36 minutes left.

Move, move, move!

I feel like you should
have German subtitles.

Joey, speed it up!

I'm sorry! It's the pigs!
They're reluctant to get in the blanket!

How did this happen?
I thought you had this planned out.

Do you want me to cry?

Is that what you want?

Do you wanna see me cry?

Sir, no, sir!

All right, you!

No. Look, I told you,
I am not a part of this thing.

Look, Ross. I know you have issues with
Carol and Susan, and I feel for you.

But if you don't help,
I'm gonna take those hot dogs...

...and create an appetizer
called "Pigs In Ross."

All right, ball a melon!

How come I'm stuck dicing
when he gets to ball a melon?

-How's it going?
-Great! Right on schedule.

Got my little happy helpers.

That's fine. Whatever.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Okay, everything.
I think we're calling off the wedding.

You're still gonna pay me, right?

Or something a little less selfish.

What's the matter?
What happened?

My parents called to say
they weren't coming.

I knew they were
having trouble with this, but...

...they're my parents.
They're supposed to give me away.

Susan and I fought because
I said maybe we should call it off.

She said, "This isn't for them.
It's for us."

And if I couldn't see that,
we should cancel the wedding.

I don't know what to do.

I can't believe I'm gonna say this,
but I think Susan's right.

You do?

Do you love her? And don't be
too emphatic about this.

Of course I do.

Well then, that's it.

If George and Adelaide can't
accept that, then the hell with them.

If my parents didn't want me
to marry you...

... no way that would've
stopped me.

Look, this is your wedding.

Do it.

You're right.
Of course you're right.

So we're back on?

We're back on.

You heard the woman!
Peel! Chop! Devil!

Can't believe
I lost two minutes!

It just seems so futile.

You know?
All these women, and nothing!

I feel like Superman
without my powers, you know?

I have the cape,
and yet I cannot fly.

Well, now you understand
how I feel every single day.

The world is my lesbian wedding.

Butterscotch?

No one?

All right,
you'll be sorry later.

-Thank you.
-Anytime.

Ross.

Nothing makes God happier...

...than when two people, any two people,
come together in love.

Friends, family,
we're gathered here today...

...to join Carol and Susan
in holy matrimony.

Oh, my God!

Now I've seen everything!

She's gone!

She's gone!

She's gone.

Go ahead, get married.
Go, go!

Strangers in the night

Exchanging glances

Wondering in the night

Would you look at them?

Yeah. Can't help but.

How's that pig-in-the-blanket
working out for you?

I wrapped those bad boys.

I miss Rose.

Oh, yeah?

I know it's kind of weird, but
she was a big part of my life....

I don't know, I feel alone.

You know, I couldn't help
overhearing what you just said.

I think it's time you forget about Rose,
move on with your life.

How about we get you a drink?

Okay. So nice!

I shouldn't even bother
coming up with a line, right?

Hey, Mom, having fun?

Am l! I just danced
with a wonderfully large woman.

And three other girls
made eyes at me over at the buffet.

I'm not saying
it's something I wanna pursue...

... but it's nice to know
I have options.

There's more alcohol, right?

How you doing?

You did a good thing today.

You wanna dance?

No, that's fine.

Come on.

I'll let you lead.

Look, penis, schmenis!

Okay? We're all people.

Which one of us is gonna be
the first one to get married?

Mon, I was married.

-Yeah, me too, technically.
-I had a wedding.

Just trying to
start a discussion.

Which one do you think
will be the last to get married?

Isn't Ben in this?

Of course!

Absolutely.