Friends (1994–2004): Season 2, Episode 10 - The One with Russ - full transcript

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Joey, would you slow down?

They're not gonna be sold out of papers
at 1:00 in the morning.

I'm excited.
I've never gotten reviewed before.

You were so amazing as the king.
I'm really impressed. I was.

But you know what?

You might wanna consider
wearing underwear next time.

Because when you sat on your throne,
you could kind of see your...

...royal subjects.

Here it is. Here it is.

"The only thing worse than
the mindless adolescent direction...

...was Joseph Tribbiani's disturbingly
unskilled portrayal of the king. "



Okay, look.
That is one guy's opinion.

- All right? Pheebs, read yours.
- Okay.

"The only thing worse than the mindless,
adolescent direction... "

Does anybody have one
from a different paper?

Ross, read yours.

I don't want to.

Joey, honey, they don't know
what they're talking about.

Maybe they do.

I've been doing this 10 years
and I haven't gotten anywhere.

There's gotta be a reason.

Come on, man, you're just, uh,
paying your dues.

No, no, no. It's too hard.

It's not worth it. I quit.

- What?
- That's crazy.



Wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute.

I believe this will change your mind.

"In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiani was
able to achieve brilliant new levels of... "

Continued on page 153.

"... sucking. "

When I was little,
I wanted to be a veterinarian.

But then I found out you have to
put your hands into cows and stuff.

Hi.

Are you okay?

Yeah, just a tough day at work,
you know?

Stegosaurus fell over, trapped a kid.

I know this jacket.
This is Fun Bobby's jacket.

Where is he? What? He's here, isn't he?

- Maybe.
- Don't toy with me.

- Geller!
- Hey, Fun Bobby.

Whoa, hey. You been working out?

Not at all.

I love this guy.

I was so psyched to hear
you're back with my sister.

- You and me both.
- So, what'd I miss? Come on.

Oh. We were trying
to make Joey feel better.

- Hey, do you need me to pick you up?
- No, I'm all right, man, really.

No, I'm picking you up.

Hey, no, seriously.
I don't need you to...

- All right, it still works.
- Okay.

Now, before I go, does anybody else
need to be picked up?

I'm still gonna go.

- Okay, I'll see you later, babe.
- Ah.

Public display of affection coming up.
You can avert your eyes.

Mm.

- See you.
- Bye.

Fun Bobby is so great.

Oh, isn't he?

I really think this time it may work with him.
I mean, he makes me feel so good.

And I've been feeling so lousy,
you know, no job, no boyfriend.

Well, at least my cup is half full.

Half full of love.

And for our two-week anniversary,
he's gonna take me to his cousin's cabin.

Cabin of love.

We went through a lot of wine tonight,
you guys.

- Really? I only had two glasses.
- I just had a glass.

- Two.
- I had one glass.

I had about a mug full in this lovely...

..."I got boned at the Museum
of Natural History" mug.

Okay, so that's, what? Two bottles.

And yet somehow we went through five?

Whoa.

Oh.

So what? So he drank a lot tonight.

Yeah, but, you know,
now that I think about it...

...I don't think I've ever seen Fun Bobby
without a drink in his hand.

Yeah. Ooh, ooh, yeah, you know?

Did you notice how he always
starts his stories with, um:

"Okay, I was so wasted," or,
"Oh, we were so bombed. "

Or, um, "So I wake up and I'm
in this Dumpster in Connecticut. "

Monica, have you ever been with him
when he wasn't drinking?

Well, we just happen to go to
a lot of places where you might drink.

I mean, how do you go to a wine-tasting
without having a drink?

Or to a club, or to the...

...zoo.

Rach, does this have nonfat milk?

Um, I don't know, why don't you taste it?

Mm. No.

Oh, well, too late, you already had some.

What do you say we make these, uh,
coffees Irish?

Um, cake.

Yeah, we're gonna...
We're gonna get some cake.

You know, it seems like you've been
making an awful lot of stuff Irish lately.

I would make them Belgian, but the waffles
are hard to get into that flask.

Bobby.

Yeah, okay.

Look, maybe this is none of my business,
or maybe it is, I don't know.

But, um, I'm kind of worried about you.

Okay, look, this isn't the first time
somebody said something to me about this.

But, I don't know, I always made excuses,
like "I'm just a social drinker. "

Or "Hey, come on, it's Flag Day. "

So, what are you saying now?

I guess I'm saying...

...I'll try and quit.

I kind of like that you worry about me.

So, what's going on?

I am gonna try and quit drinking.

Oh. Why?

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Guess who's back in show business.

Ooh, ooh. Lorne Greene?

No, Pheebs. You know why?
Because he's dead.

Oh, no.

Okay, I guess this is gonna seem
bittersweet now...

...but Joey, that's who.

- Oh, yay!
- Really?

My agent just called me with an audition
for Days of our Lives.

Kick ass.

We have to celebrate.
We should do a soap opera theme.

Hey, yeah. We could all sleep together,
and then one of us could get amnesia.

Rach, what time do you get off?
We're all gonna do something tonight.

Uh, well, actually, I'm already done.
Ahem. But I kind of got plans.

You have other friends?

Yeah, I, uh... I have a date.

- What?
- With a man?

What? What is so strange
about me having a date?

What about Ross?

Are you still mad at him
because he made that list about...?

No, no, I'm not mad at him.

I'm not really anything at him anymore.

- What are you talking about?
- I don't know.

Whatever I was feeling, I'm... not.

But you guys came so close.

Oh, I know. I'm sorry, you guys.
You're gonna have to get used to the fact...

...that I will not be dating Ross.

Here he is. Hi.

Guys, this is Russ.

Hi.

No, no, no. I'm not saying
you're not talented. You're very talented.

It's just that with the bird dead and all,
there's very little act left.

Oh, honey, give me a break, will you?
Oh, oh. I'll talk to you later.

Well, there's my favorite client.

So tell me, darling,
how was the audition?

Well, I think it went pretty well.
I got a callback for Thursday.

Joey. Have you ever seen me ecstatic?

- No.
- Well, here it is.

Okay. Uh, listen, there's something
I want to talk to you about.

- The network casting lady...
- Oh, isn't Lori a doll?

Yeah, yeah, she's great.

But I kind of got the feeling
that she was sort of coming on to me.

And I definitely would get the part
if I were to, you know...

- If I would have sent
the little general in. -Oh.

I see. Well, I'm just gonna
put in a call here...

...and we'll find out what's going on
and straighten it out.

Yeah, hi. Lori, please.

Hi, darling.

So how about Joey Tribbiani
for the part of the cab driver?

Isn't he terrific?

Uh-huh.

Okay, doll, talk to you later.

Yeah, you're gonna have to
sleep with her.

- What's the matter?
- Fun Bobby.

What? Isn't he sober?

Oh, he's sober all right.

Just turns out that Fun Bobby
was fun for a reason.

Ah. Okay.

All right, here you go, sweetie.

Thanks. You wanna hear something funny?

Oh, God, yes.

There are no hardware stores open
past midnight in the Village.

That is funny.

I needed to buy a hammer
the other night...

...and I'm out walking
around the neighborhood.

But apparently...

...there are no hardware stores open
past midnight in the Village.

Uh, say, honey, don't you have to
be at your interview?

Oh, yeah.

- See you guys.
- Bye...

...ridiculously dull Bobby.

- Oh, my God.
- He's not that bad.

Not that bad?
Did you not hear the hammer story?

Okay, okay, don't get all squinky.

Maybe it was just the kind of story
where you had to be there.

But I'm gonna be there.

For the rest of my life.

I can't break up with him.
I made him quit drinking.

- He's dull because of me.
- All right, don't say that.

He's probably always been dull.
You just, you know...

...set it free.

- Hi.
- Hey, Ross. Ah.

Hi, Russ.

I've just got two more tables to clean,
and then we'll go, okay?

Okay. I'll just sit here and, uh...

...chat with your, uh...

...friend-type people.

Rachel? Um, hi.

- Hi.
- Okay.

So you know what you're doing, right?

Ha, ha. Waitressing?

Well, yeah. But, no. I mean, um...

Doesn't Russ just
remind you of someone?

- Huh. Bob Saget?
- Oh, yeah.

- No, no, no. Oh, oh.
- Hi.

Oh, my, oh.

What...? What's wrong?

- I... Okay.
- She's just upset because she, uh...

She buttered a spider
into her toast this morning.

Mm-hm.

All right.

Listen, Pheebs.
This is gonna be okay.

Ross, Russ. Russ, Ross.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Are you a, uh, friend of Rachel's?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Are you a, uh, friend of Rachel's?

Actually, I'm, uh, kind of a...

...you know...

...a date-type thing...

...of Rachel's.

- A date?
- Yeah. I'm her date.

Oh. Oh, you're, uh...

Oh, you're the date.

You know, this is actually good...

...because if we ever lose Ross,
we have a spare.

Oh. You are the, uh, paleontologist.

Yes. Yes, I am. And you are a...

Periodontist.

See? Now they're
as different as night and...

...later that night.

Well, I am going to, uh, get a beverage.
Heh.

- Uh, it was nice, uh, meeting you.
- Ditto.

I, uh... Well, I met Russ.

Oh.

Hey, I didn't know
we were, uh, seeing other people.

- Well, we're not seeing each other, so...
- Huh.

Well, uh, for your information,
there's a woman at the museum...

...who's curator of moths and other, uh...

...winged things...

...who's, uh, let it be known
that she is drawn to me, much like a...

...you know. Ahem.

Well, so far I've been keeping her at bay,
but, uh, if this is the deal...

Yeah, this is the deal.

- Okay, well, um, have a nice evening.
- Thank you.

- Russ, are you ready?
- Yeah.

- Bye.
- Bye.

She's dating?

Yes. Yes, but did you see
who she was dating?

What do you mean?

- Do you not see it?
- See what?

I don't know what she sees
in that goober.

It takes him, what?
Like, I don't know, uh...

...hello, a week to get out a sentence?

Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it?

Yeah.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Whoa, whoa.

I'm guessing you didn't get the part...

...or, uh, Italy called
and said it was hungry?

Well, the part's mine if I want it.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. If I'm willing to sleep
with the casting lady.

Oh, my...

...God?

Ten years I've been waiting for
a break like this, Chandler. Ten years.

I mean, Days of our Lives.
That's actually on television.

So, what are you gonna do?

I guess I could sleep with her.
I mean...

How can I do that?

Well, I've got a pop-up book
that told me everything I needed to know.

I've never slept with someone for a part.

Well, is she...?

Sorry.

- Is she good-looking?
- Yeah.

She's totally good-looking. I mean,
if I met her in a bar or something...

...I'd be buying her breakfast.

You know, after having slept with her.

You know, maybe this isn't
such a big deal.

I mean, the way that I see it is, you get
a great job and you get to have sex.

You know? Throw in a tree and a fat guy,
and you've got Christmas.

I just... I just don't think
that I want it that way though, you know?

I mean, let's say I do make it, all right?

I'm always gonna look back and wonder
if it was because of my talent...

...or because of, you know,
the little general.

Didn't you used to call it the little major?

Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco,
I had to promote it.

Can I get you something from the bar?

Yes, I would like something.

No. No, thank you.

No, if you want a drink, it's okay with me.
I've gotta get used to it.

No, no, really.
I wouldn't feel right about it.

Just some water, please.

- So the light went out in my refrigerator.
- Scotch on the rocks with a twist.

I'm sorry.

Hey, we're having some fun now,
huh, Ross?

Wanna do another one?
Huh, Russ?

Okay. Eleven letters...

...atomic element number 101,
ends in "ium. "

- Dysprosium.
- Ha, ha. Dysprosium.

Try mendelevium.

And weenie number two has it.

Unless of course 9 Down, "Nights in White
Satin" was sung by the Doody Blues.

You don't see it?
You actually don't see it?

- What?
- Okay, honey, you're dating Ross.

No, Pheebs, I'm dating Russ.

Russ is Ross. Russ, Ross.

Steve, sleeve.

Okay, no one is named sleeve.

Phoebe, what the hell
are we talking about?

Other than their names being similar,
I'm sorry, I do not see what you're seeing.

For your information,
it's a card sharp, not a card shark.

You could not be more wrong.

You could try,
but you would not be successful.

Okay, I'm gonna get some more coffee
before the pinching and eye-poking begins.

- I know what your problem is.
- Oh, you do, do you?

Mm-hm. You're jealous.

Uh, of what?

You're jealous because I'm a real doctor.

Hey, you're a doctor of gums.

That's the smallest body part
you can major in.

It's like, day one, floss.
Day two, here's your diploma.

- Now, you listen...
- No, no.

- Let me finish.
- No, let me finish.

No, you let me fin...

- Hi.
- Hi.

Ew.

Ew, ew, ew.

- Did Joey say what he
was gonna do? -No.

I don't even think he knew.

Hey, would you sleep with somebody
to get a great job?

I don't know.
Who would I have to sleep with?

Me.

Why would I have to sleep with you?

It's my game. You want the job or not?

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Good morning.
- Where you going?

Bobby and I are going away
for the weekend. Remember?

Oh.

What's with all the bottles of liquor?

What's going on?
Is, uh, Bobby drinking again?

Oh, no, this is not for him.
This is for me.

That way, he's still sober, but I find
his stories about shoelaces more amusing.

Ugh, God. Even his knock is boring.

- Hi. I'll be ready in just a second.
- Uh, could I talk to you a minute?

Sure.

- This is really hard for me to say.
- Oh, God. You fell off the wagon.

Oh, no, no.

It's about you.

What about me?

I think you may have a drinking problem.

What, these?

No, these are, um, for cuts and scrapes.

Look, I am just not strong enough to be
in a codependent relationship right now.

Oh, shoot.

Well, anyway,
I hope we can be friends.

Okay.

Take care.

- Okay. You too.
- Bye.

What happened?

Well, we kind of broke up.

Aw.

Does anybody want these?

I'll take one.

Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this
and pretend I'm a giant.

- Hey.
- Hey. How'd the callback go?

Ugh, it was unbelievable.
I walked in there and she was all over me.

- So, what did you do?
- Well, I couldn't do it.

- I told her I didn't want the part
that way. -Good for you.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.
But then after I left her office...

...she caught up with me at the elevator
and offered me an even bigger part.

So, and?

So you are now looking
at Dr. Drake Ramoray, neurosurgeon...

...recurring in at least four episodes.

All right!

All right, I gotta go shower.

Hi.

- Oh, hey.
- Hi.

I guess you guys heard
Rachel dumped me.

Yeah, I'm sorry, man.

All she said was that I remind her
too much of somebody.

You have any idea who
she's talking about?

Oh, I do. It's Bob Saget.

- She hates him.
- Oh.

- Hey.
- Hey, Julie.

Hey, how are you doing?

Oh. I don't know. I mean,
it's definitely weird not being with Ross...

...but I guess I'm doing okay.

Actually, I've got some of his stuff
that he, um...

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