Friends (1994–2004): Season 1, Episode 5 - The One with the East German Laundry Detergent - full transcript

Would you let it go? It's not a big deal.
ROSS: Not a big deal? It's amazing.
You just reach in, there's one little maneuver, and bam!
A bra. Right out the sleeve.
As far as I'm concerned...
...there is nothing a guy can do that comes close. Right?
Come on! You guys can pee standing up.
We can? Okay, I'm trying that.
You know what blows my mind?
Women can see breasts anytime they want.
You just look down, and there they are.
How you get any work done is beyond me.
What I don't get is the way guys can do so many mean things...
...and then not even care.
Multiple orgasms!
So Saturday night, the big night.
Date night! Saturday night. Saturday night!
- No plans, huh? - Not a one.
Not even, say, breaking up with Janice?
Oh, right, right. Shut up.
Chandler, nobody likes breaking up with someone.
- You just gotta do it. - I know. But it's just so hard.
You're sitting with her. She has no idea what's happening.
You finally get up the courage to do it.
There's that awkward moment when you've handed her the note.
Why do you have to break up with her?
Be a man. Just stop calling.
If you want, I'll do it with you.
Thanks, but she'd feel like we were ganging up on her.
I mean you break up with Janice. I'll break up with Tony.
You're breaking up with Tony?
I know. He's sweet, but it's just not fun anymore.
I don't know if it's me or his hunger strike. I don't know.
Does anybody want anything else?
Yeah. Last week you had a wonderful nutty, chocolate-y, kind of cake-y pie thing that...
Nothing. I'm fine.
What's the matter? Why so scrunchie?
It's my father. He wants to give me a Mercedes convertible.
That guy, he burns me up.
Yeah, well, it's a Mercedes if I move back home.
It was horrible! He called me "young lady."
Ooh, I hate when my father calls me that.
Did he give you that whole "You're not up to this" thing again?
Yeah, I got the extended disco version with three choruses of:
"You'll never make it on your own."
[SINGS] Uh-huh, uh-huh
Hi, Joey.
Oh, my God. Angela.
Wow. Being dumped by you obviously agrees with her.
- Are you gonna go over there? - No.
Yeah. No.
Okay, but not yet. I don't wanna seem too eager.
One Mississippi, two Mississippi...
...three Mississippi. That seems pretty cool.
Hey, Angela.
Joey.
You look good.
Because I'm wearing a dress that accents my boobs.
You don't say.
So, Rachel, what are you doing tonight?
Big glamour night. Me and Monica at Launderama.
Oh.
You wanna hear a freakish coincidence?
Guess who's doing laundry there too?
- Who? - Me.
Was that not clear?
Hey, why don't...?
Why don't I just join you both there?
Don't you have a laundry room in your building?
Yes.
I do have a laundry room in my building.
Um... But there's a rat problem.
Apparently, they're attracted to the dryer sheets.
They're going in fine, but they're coming out all...
...fluffy.
Anyway, 7-ish?
Sure.
Forget it, Joey. I'm with Bob now.
Bob? Who the hell's Bob?
Bob is great.
He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job.
You go on three auditions a month and you call yourself an actor. But Bob...
Come on. We were great together.
And not just at the fun stuff, but, like, talking too.
Sorry, Joey. You said, "Let's just be friends."
So guess what?
- What? - We're just friends.
Fine. Fine.
So why don't the four of us go out and have dinner tonight? You know, as friends.
What "four of us"?
You and Bob, and me and my girlfriend, um...
...Monica.
JOEY: Monica, I'm telling you, this guy is perfect for you.
Forget it! Not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet.
Come on, this guy's great. His name's Bob. He's Angela's...
...ahem, brother.
He's smart, he's sophisticated...
...and he has a real job.
Me, I go on three auditions a month and call myself an actor, but Bob is...
- Oh, God, help us. - What?
Ugly Naked Guy is laying kitchen tile.
BOTH: Ew!
Look, I'm asking a favor here.
I'm thinking if I do this for her brother...
...maybe Angela will come back to me.
What's going on here? You go out with tons of girls.
I know, but...
Look, I made a huge mistake. I never should've broke up with her.
Will you help me? Please?
Okay. Bye.
Monica's not coming. It's just gonna be me and Rachel.
[ROSS CHUCKLES]
Hold on there, camper. You sure you've thought this through?
It's laundry. The thinking through is pretty minimal.
It's just you and Rachel? Just the two of you?
This is a date. You're going on a date.
Nuh-uh.
Yeah-huh.
What are you saying?
I should shave again? Pick up some wine? What?
Well, you may wanna rethink the dirty underwear.
It's the first time she'll see your underwear. You want it to be dirty?
No.
And the fabric softener?
Okay, okay. Now, what is wrong with my Snuggles?
What? It says I'm a sensitive, warm kind of guy.
You know, like a little fuzzy bear.
I can pick something else up on the way.
MONICA: Thank you.
So what does this Bob guy look like? Is he tall, short?
Yep.
Which?
Which what?
You've never met Bob, have you?
No, but...
For all we know, he could be horribly...
Horribly attractive. I'll be shutting up now.
Where are they? Where are they?
This is nice. We never do anything, just the two of us.
That's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car, run over some puppies.
Ew. I don't wanna do that.
- Here we go. - Have a good breakup.
- Hey, Janice. - My God, I am so glad you called me.
I had the most supremely awful day.
That's not good.
Can I get an espresso and a latte over here, please?
We got the proofs from that photo shoot with the vegetables.
They sucked.
I blew off the rest of the afternoon. I went shopping.
And I got you...
JANICE: I'm looking. I'm looking.
I'm looking.
- I got you... - What?
- What? - What did you get me there?
I got you...
...these.
Bullwinkle socks.
- That's so sweet. - I knew you had the Rockys.
So you could wear Bullwinkle and Bullwinkle...
...or wear Rocky and Rocky, or you can mix and match.
Moose and squirrel.
Whatever you want.
I'm gonna get another espresso. More latte?
No.
No, I'm still working on mine.
[JANICE LAUGHS OBNOXIOUSLY]
That's it?
Yeah, it was really hard.
Yeah, the hug looked pretty brutal.
Okay, you weren't there.
WOMAN: Coming through! Move! Move!
Excuse me! I was kind of using that machine.
Yeah, well, now you're kind of not.
But I saved it. I put my basket on top.
- I'm sorry. Is that your basket? - Yes.
It's really pretty. Unfortunately, I don't see suds!
What?
No suds, no save, okay?
- What's going on? - Hi.
Nothing. This horrible woman just took my machine.
Was your basket on top?
- Yeah, but there were no suds. - So?
You know, no suds, no save.
No suds, no... Excuse me.
Hold on a second!
This is my friend's machine.
Hey, hey, hey! Her stuff wasn't in it!
Hey, hey, hey! That's not the rule, and you know it!
All right. Show's over.
Nothing to see here.
Okay. Let's do laundry.
That was amazing! I can't even send back soup.
Well, that's because you're such a sweet, gentle...
Do you, uh?
Oh, hey. You must need detergent.
- What's that? - Überweiss.
It's new. It's German. It's extra tough!
Rach, do you...? Are you gonna separate those?
Oh, God. Ugh.
Am I being like a total laundry spaz?
Am I supposed to use one machine for shirts and another for pants?
Have you...? Have you never done this before?
Well, not myself. But I know other people that have.
Okay. You caught me. I'm a laundry virgin.
Don't worry. I'll use the gentle cycle.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Okay...
Basically, you wanna use one machine for all your whites.
Whites. Okay.
- A whole other machine for your colors. - Colors.
And then a third for your, uh...
...delicates. And that would be your bras...
...and your underpanty things.
Okay, well, these are white cotton panties.
Would they go with whites or with delicates?
That would be a judgment call.
[ALL LAUGHING]
He's so cute!
So where did you guys grow up?
- Brooklyn Heights. - Cleveland.
Ha. Heh, heh, heh.
- How did that happen? - Oh, my God!
What?
I suddenly had the feeling I was...
...falling.
But I'm not.
So you and Angela, huh?
Yep. Pretty much.
- You're a lucky man. - Yeah.
You know what I miss the most about her?
That cute nibbley noise she makes when she eats.
Like a happy little squirrel...
...or a weasel.
I never really noticed.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Listen for it.
Monica. Monica is great.
Yeah. Yeah, she is.
But it's not gonna last.
She's too much for me in bed.
Sexually.
I've gotta tell you, Bob is terrific.
Yeah, isn't he?
It's so great to meet a guy who's smart and funny...
...and has an emotional age beyond 8.
You know what else? He's unbelievable in bed!
Wow!
My brother never even told me when he lost his virginity.
Huh.
That's nice.
You can do this. It's like pulling off a Band-Aid.
Just do it really fast, and then the wound is exposed.
Go! Go!
Janice...
Hi, Janice.
Okay, here we go. I don't think we should go out anymore.
Janice.
All right.
Well...
Well, there you go.
Stop it, stop it, stop it.
RACHEL: Okay, I know this is gonna sound really stupid...
...but I feel that if I can do this...
...if I can actually do my own laundry...
...there isn't anything I can't do.
That does not sound stupid to me.
No, it's like... The first time I had to make dinner for myself after Carol left me...
[WASHER BUZZES]
I'm sorry, that's all the time we have. Next on Ross...
[RACHEL LAUGHS]
Okay.
- Uh-oh. - What, "uh-oh"?
Uh-oh...
Uh-oh, the laundry's done.
It's a song.
The laundry song that we sing.
[SINGS] Uh-oh, the laundry's done
What's the matter?
Nothing. Nothing.
[SINGS] The laundry's done
Come on, show me.
It's just that you left a red sock in with your whites, and now...
...everything's kind of pink. - Oh.
Everything's pink?
Except for the red sock, which is still red.
Don't be upset. It can happen to anyone.
But it didn't. It happened to me.
God, I'm gonna look like a big Marshmallow Peep!
What am I doing? What am I doing?
My father's right! I can't live on my own.
I can't even do laundry!
[WOMAN LAUGHS]
[NIBBLING]
Something went wrong with Underdog...
...and they couldn't get his head to inflate.
So anyway...
...his head is, like, flopping down Broadway.
And I'm thinking...
...how inappropriate this is.
I've got something's in my eye. Joey, could we check it in the light, please?
- Oh, my God! - What?
Hello! Were we at the same table? It's like...
...cocktails in Appalachia.
- Come on, they're close. - Close? She's got her tongue in his ear.
Like you've never got a little rambunctious with Ross.
Joey, this is sick. It's disgusting. It's...
...not really true, is it?
Who's to say what's true?
What were you thinking?
Look, I'm not proud of this, okay?
Well, maybe I am a little.
- Oh. - Ow!
- I'm out of here! - Wait! Come on!
You like him. I want her.
He likes you.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'm thinking, if we put our heads together, between the two of us...
...we can break them up.
MONICA: I'm so sorry. I can't believe I did this.
I just couldn't stop laughing at your Norman Mailer story.
[NIBBLING]
Waiter? One more plate of chicken wings over here.
Here's the thing. It's like we're different.
I'm the bing, you're the boom...
JANICE: Ow! - Oh!
- Oh, my God! - Ow!
- I'm so sorry! - Ow!
- Are you okay? - Ow!
It's just my lens. It's my lens.
I'll be right back.
I hit her in the eye! I hit her in the eye!
This is the worst breakup in the history of the world!
Oh, my God.
How many of those have you had?
I don't know. A million!
Chandler, shh, shh. Easy, easy. Go to your happy place.
[HUMMING] La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
- I'm fine, I'm fine. - All right.
I'm not fine. Here she comes.
Wait here, okay? Breathe.
[PHOEBE & JANICE SPEAKING INAUDIBLEY]
How do you do that?
It's like a gift.
We should always, always break up together.
I'd like that.
ROSS: You got the clothes clean. That's the important part.
I guess. Except everything looks like jammies now.
Whoa, I'm sorry.
Excuse me. We had this cart.
I had a 24-inch waist. You lose things.
Now, come on. Get out of my way.
I'm sorry. Maybe I wasn't being clear. This was our cart.
Hey, hey, hey. There aren't any clothes in it!
Hey, hey, hey! Quit making up rules!
Let go! Come on, this is my cart. You know I saw it first.
Listen, Mitzi, if you want this cart...
...you're gonna have to take me with it!
Yes! Did you see that?
You were incredible.
A brand-new woman, ladies and gentlemen.
I could not have done this without you.
ROSS: Okay, um...
Uh... More clothes in the dryer?
- I'm fine. I'm fine. - Are you sure?
- Are you sure you're okay? - Yeah.
- Does it still hurt? - Yeah.
What a neat idea. All your clothes match. I'm gonna do this.
MONICA: Hi!
PHOEBE: How'd it go?
Excellent!
We ripped that couple apart and kept the pieces for ourselves.
What a beautiful story.
I'm fine, by the way.
I'm sorry.
- Where's Chandler? - He needed some time to grieve.
CHANDLER: I'm free! I'm free!
That ought to do it.
[English - US - SDH]