Friends (1994–2004): Season 1, Episode 6 - The One with the Butt - full transcript

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Oh, look, look!
There's Joey's picture!

This is so exciting!

You can spot someone who's
never seen his plays.

Notice, no fear.
No sense of impending doom.

The exclamation point scares me.

It's not just Freud,
it's Freud!

ROSS:
Shh. Magic is about to happen!

JOEY [IN GERMAN ACCENT]:
Well, Eva...

...we've done
some excellent work here.

And I would have to say...

...your problem is quite clear.



[ZANY PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]

[SINGING]
All you want is a dink/e

What you envy's a schwang

A thing through which you can tinkle

To play with or simply let hang

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
[ZANY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALL GROAN]

I feel violated.

Did anybody else feel like
peeling their skin off...

...to have something else to do?

Ross, 10:00.

Is it? It feels like 2.

No, 10:00!

There's a beautiful woman
at 8,9, 10:00!



ROSS:
Hello!

She's amazing!

She makes the women I dream about
look like short, fat, bald men.

Go over to her.
She's not with anyone.

And what would my opening line be?

Excuse me--

[BABBLES]

Come on, she's a person.
You can do it.

Could she be more out of my league?
Ross, back me up.

He could never get a woman
like that in a million years.

But you always see these beautiful
women with these "nothing" guys.

You could be one of those guys.

- You could do that.
- You think?

RACHEL:
Absolutely!

I can't believe
I'm even considering this.

- I'm very aware of my tongue.
- Come on.

Here goes.

Yes?

Hi. Um-- Ahem.

Okay, next word would be...

...uh, Chandler.

Chandler is my name and, uh...

[C L EARS T I-l ROAT]

Hi!

Yes, you said that.

Yes! Yes, I did.
But what I didn't say...

What I wanted to say was, uh...

...would you like to go outwith me?
Thank you. Good night.

Chandler?

PHOEBE:
There he is!

ROSS: I didn't know you could dance!
RACHEL: You were in a play!

What'd you think?

ROSS: I didn't know you could dance!
RACHEL: You were in a play!

Come on, it wasn't that bad.
I was the lead.

It was better than the troll thing.
At least you got to see my head.

RACHEL: You're right.
ROSS: We saw your head.

She said yes! She said yes!

MONICA:
Wow!

Awful play, man! Whoa!

Her name's Aurora. She's Italian
and she pronounces my name "Chandler."

I like that better.
The usher gave me this to give to you.

- What is it?
- The Estelle Leonard Talent Agency.

An agency left me its card.
Maybe they wanna sign me!

Based on this play?

Based on this play!

Hey, kids!

ROSS:
Hey, Chandler.

No, because this line is passion,
and this is just a line.

I've been here seven seconds, and you
haven't asked me how my date went.

How was your date, Chandler?

It was unbelievable!

I've never met anyone like her.
She's had the most amazing life!

CHANDLER:
She was in the Israeli army.

None of the bullets hit
the engine block...

...so we made it to the border.

But just barely and I...

I've been talking about myself
all night long. I'm sorry.

What about you?
Tell me your stories.

All right, once...

...once I got on the subway, right?

And it was at night...

...and I rode it
all the way to Brooklyn...

...just for the hell of it.

We talked till 2.
It was this perfect evening.

More or less.

Suddenly, we realized
we were in Yemen.

Hm s or r Y ' s 0
'Q w e .1 is --">

"We" is me and Rick.

- Who's Rick?
- Who's Rick?

My husband.

ALL:
Ooh.

- Oh, so you're divorced?
- No.

I'm sorry. So you're widowed?
Hopefully?

No, I'm still married.

So how would your husband feel
about you sitting here with me...

...sliding your foot
so far up my leg...

...you can count
the change in my pocket?

Don't worry.

I imagine he'd be okay with you
because he's okay with Ethan.

Ethan? There's an Ethan?

Ethan is my...

...boyfriend.

ALL:
What?

So, uh, What kind of relationship
do you imagine us having...

...if you already have
a husband and a boyfriend?

I suppose, mainly sexual.

Huh.

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

What not work out?
I'm seeing her again on Thursday.

Didn't you listen to the story?

Didn't you listen to the story?

How could you get involved
with a woman like this?

I had trouble with it at first,
but I get all the good stuff.

All the fun, all the talking,
all the sex...

...and no responsibility.

This is every guy's fantasy!

That is not true.
Ross, is this your fantasy?

No, of course not.

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

You'd go out with someone else
who's going out with someone else?

I couldn't.

Good for you.

When I'm with a woman,
I need to know...

...that I'm going out
with more people than she is.

You know...

...monogamy can be a tricky concept.

I mean, anthropologically...

[ALL SNORING]

Fine. Now you'll never know.

We're kidding. Tell us.

MONICA: We wanna know.
JOEY: Come on!

All right. There's a theory
put forth by Richard Leakey--

[ALL SNORING]
[ROSS GROANS]

Ta-da!

Are we greeting each other
this way now? I like that.

Look! I cleaned!

I did the windows.
I did the floors.

I used all the attachments on
the vacuum except for that round one.

I don't know what it's for.

Nobody knows, and we're
not supposed to ask.

RACHEL:
What do you think?

CHANDLER: It's very clean.
MONICA: Really, it looks great!

Oh. Heh.
I see you moved the green ottoman.

ROSS & PHOEBE:
Uh-oh.

How did that happen?

I don't know.
I thought it looked better there.

And also, it's an extra seat
around the coffee table.

Yeah, it's interesting.

But you know what? Just for fun...

...let's see what it looked like
in the old spot.

Just to compare.

Let's see. Ha!

Well, it looks good there too.

Let's leave it there for a while.

I can't believe you tried
to move the green ottoman.

Thank God you didn't
fan out the magazines.

She'll scratch your eyes out.

You guys, I am not that bad!

Yeah, you are.

Remember, I lived with you?

You were a little, you know...

[MIMICS STABBING SOUND
FROM "PSYCHO"]

That is so unfair!

When we were kids, yours was the only
Raggedy Ann doll that wasn't raggedy.

Okay, so I'm responsible.
I'm organized.

But, hey, I can be a kook!

All right, you madcap gal!

Try to imagine this.

The phone bill arrives,
but you don't pay it right away.

- Why not?
- Because you're a kook!

Instead, you wait until
they send you a notice.

I could do that.

Okay, then you let me
go grocery shopping...

...and I buy laundry detergent.

But it's not the one
with the easy-pour spout.

Why would someone do that?

One might wonder.

A glass is on the table.
There's no coaster.

It's a cold drink. It's a hot day.

Beads of condensation are inching
their way closer to the wood...

Stop it!

Oh, my God!

It's true. Who am I?

Monica, you're Mom.

[MIMICS STABBING SOUND
FROM "PSYCHO"]

JOEY:
Uh-huh? Oh, my God!

Okay

Okay, I'll be there.

That was my agent.

My agent has just gotten me a job
in the new Al Pacino movie!

CHANDLER:
Whoa! That's great!

What's the part?

Can you believe this?
Al Pacino!

This guy's why I became an actor.

"I'm out of order?
You're out of order!

This whole courtroom's out of order!"

Seriously, what's the part?

"Just when I thought I was out,
they pull me back in!"

Come on. Seriously,
Joey, what's the part?

[MUMBLES]

You're, you're...
What?

I'm his butt double, okay?

I play Al Pacino's butt.

All right? He goes
into the shower, and then...

...I'm his butt.

Oh, my God!

Come on, you guys.

This is a real movie,
and Al Pacino's in it and that's big!

Oh, no, it's terrific.

After all your years of struggling...

...you've finally been able
to crack your way into show business.

Okay, fine.
Make jokes, I don't care.

This is a big break for me!

You're right. It is.

So are you gonna invite us all
to the big opening?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- I need to borrow some moisturizer.
- For what?

What do you think?
Today's the big day!

Okay, go into the bathroom.
Use whatever you want.

Just don't ever tell me
what you did in there.

JOEY:
Thank you.

- Joey's mom's on the phone.
- He's in the bathroom.

- You don't wanna go in there!
- Come on, we're roommates.

[CHANDLER YELLS]

MY 93/95! My eyes!

MONICA:
I warned you.

Who is being loud?

Oh, that would be Monica.

Can I borrow some things?
I wanna make Aurora breakfast.

You got the whole night, huh?

Well, I only have 20 minutes
until Ethan, so...

Do I sense a bit of resentment?

No, no, no. No resentment.
Believe me...

...it's worth it, okay?

In a relationship,
you have these key moments...

...you'll remember
for the rest of your life.

Well, every single second
is like that with Aurora.

And I've just wasted
35 of them talking to you.

So, uh, Monica, can you
help me with the door?

Um, Chandler, you know, the old Monica
would remind you...

...to scrub that Teflon pan
with a plastic brush.

But I'm not gonna do that.

DIRECTOR:
Damn it! Hire the girl.

Okay, everybody ready?

Uh, listen, I just wanna thank you
for this great opportunity.

Lose the robe.

Me?

That would work.

Right. Okay.
Losing the robe!

Okay, and the robe is lost.

Everybody, I would like
to get this in one take.

Let's roll it.

Water's working.

And action!

And cut!

Butt guy, what are you doing?

I'm showering.

No, that was clenching.

Well, the way I see it,
the guy's upset here, you know?

His wife's dead,
his brother's missing.

I think his butt would be angry here.

I think his butt would like
to get the shot before lunch.

Once again, rolling.
Water working.

And action!

And cut! What was that?

I was going for quiet desperation.

But if you have to ask...

God, I love these fingers.

Thank you.

No, actually, I meant my fingers.

Look at them.
Look at how happy they are.

- Oh, my God, I'm late!
- Oh, no, no, no.

- Don't go, don't go.
- Okay, okay.

- I have to.
- Look, she's leaving.

I'm sorry.
He'll be waiting for me.

I thought you talked to Rick.

It's not Rick.

Ethan? He gets
the whole day with you!

No, it's Andrew.

I know there'll be many moments...

...when I'll regret asking
the following question, but...

And Andrew is...?

He's...new.

So you're not completely fulfilled
by Rick, Ethan and myself?

No, that's not exactly what I was--

Most women would kill...

...for three guys like us.

So, what do you want?

You.

- You have me.
- No, no. Just you.

What do you mean?

Lose the other guys.

Like, all of them?

Come on, we're great together.
Why not?

Why can't we just have
what we have now?

Why can't we just talk,
laugh and make love...

...without feeling obligated
to one another?

Up until tonight, I thought
that's what you wanted too.

Well, part of me wants that...

...but it's like I'm two guys.

I mean, one guy's saying,
"Shut up! This is great!"

But there's this other guy.

It's the guy who wells up
every time the Grinch's heart...

...grows three sizes
and breaks that measuring device.

He's saying, you know,
"This is too hard. Get out, get out!"

So which one of the two guys
will you listen to?

I have to listen to both.
They don't let each other finish.

Which one?

The second guy.

I see.

Call me if you change your mind.

Sorry, the first guy runs the lips.

Look at it this way.
You dumped her!

Right? I mean, this Woman was...

...unbelievably sexy...

...and beautiful,
intelligent, unattainable...

Tell me why you did this again?

ROSS: Hey!
MONICA: Hey!

RACHEL:
Movie star!

Aren't you the guy who plays
the butt in the new Al Pacino movie?

Nope.

No? What happened, big guy?

Big guy?

It felt like a "big guy" moment.

I got fired!

They said I acted too much with it.

I told everybody about this.

Everybody will be
expecting to see me.

You know what?
No one will be able to tell.

My mom will.

There's something so sweet...

...and disturbing about that.

I've done nothing
but crappy plays for six years...

...and I finally get my shot,
and I blow it!

Maybe this wasn't your shot.

I think when it's your shot,
you know it's your shot.

Did it feel like your shot?

Hard to tell. I was naked.

I don't think this was your shot.

I don't even think
you just get one shot.

I really believe big things are
gonna happen for you. I do.

You've gotta keep thinking about
the day that some kid will go...

got the part! I'm gonna be
Joey Tribbiani's ass!"

You think? That's so nice.

Oh, come here.

I'm sorry, Joey.
I'm gonna go to bed, guys.

ROSS:
Good night.

RACHEL: You're gonna leave
your shoes out here?

Uh-huh.

Really? Just casually
strewn about...

...in that reckless,
haphazard manner?

It doesn't matter.
I'll get them tomorrow. Or not!

Whenever.

She is a kook.

[HUMMING]

MONICA [THINKING]: If it bothers you
that much, just go out and get the shoes

No, don't do this!

This is stupid!

I don't have to prove anything.
I'm gonna go get them.

But then everyone will know.

Unless I get them, and then wake up
really early and put them back.

I need help!

[English - US - SDH]