Friends (1994–2004): Season 1, Episode 16 - The One with Two Parts: Part 1 - full transcript

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This is unbelievable.
It's been half an hour.

If this was a cartoon, you'd be
looking like a ham right about now.

There's the waitress.
Excuse me, miss.

JOEY: Hello, miss?
- It's Phoebe.

CHANDLER: Hi.
- Hi.

Okay, will that be all?

Wait, wait.
What are you doing here?

Yeah, um, I was over there...

...then you said, "Excuse me, miss."
So now I'm here.

No, no. How come you're working here?

Right. Because it's close to where I live,
and the aprons are really cute.



Can we start over?

- Yeah. Okay, great. I'll be over here.
- No, no, no, no.

I don't know whether he's testing me
or just acting out...

...but my monkey is out of control.

He keeps erasing
the messages on my machine.

Supposedly by accident.

Oh, yeah, I've done that.

And three days in a row, he got
to the newspaper before I did...

...and peed all over the crossword.

I've never done that.

Now tell me she doesn't look
exactly like her sister.

I'm saying I see a difference.

They're twins.

I don't care.
Phoebe's Phoebe. Ursula's hot.



You know that thing
when we talk about things?

- Let's not do that anymore.
- Okay.

ROSS: Hey, guys.
ALL: Hey.

Hey, Pheebs.
Guess who we saw today.

Ooh. Oh, fun. Okay.

- Um, Liam Neeson.
- No.

- Morley Safer.
JOEY: Nope.

- The woman who cuts my hair.
JOEY: No.

Look, this could be a really long game.

Your sister, Ursula.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

She works at that place, uh...

Riff's. Yeah, I know.

Oh, you do? She said you guys
haven't talked in years.

Hmm? Yeah.

So, um, is she fat?

Not from where I was standing.

Where were you standing?

Uh, Pheebs, so you guys
just don't get along?

It's mostly just dumb
sister stuff, you know?

Everyone always thought of her
as the pretty one.

Oh. Oh. She was the first to walk...

...even though I did it
later that same day.

To my parents, by then it was,
"Yeah, what else is new?"

ROSS:
Oh.

Pheebs, I'm sorry. I've gotta go.
I've got Lamaze class.

Oh, and I've got earth science,
but I'll catch you in gym?

So is this just gonna be you and Carol?

No. Susan will be there too.

We've got dads. We've got lesbians.
The whole parenting team.

Well, isn't that gonna be weird?

No. It might have been at first...

...but now I'm comfortable
with the situation.

- Ross, that's my jacket.
- I know.

Hi. We're the Rostens.

I'm J.C. And he's Michael.

And we're having a boy and a girl.

Good for you.
Alrighty, next?

Hi. Um, I'm, uh... Ahem.

I'm Ross Geller.

And, uh, that's my boy in there.

And, uh, this is Carol Willick,
and this is Susan Bunch.

Susan is, um, Carol's...

[MUMBLES]

Who's next?

I'm sorry, Susan is?

- Susan is Carol's friend.
- Life partner.

Like buddies.

Like lovers.

You know how close women can get.

- Susan and I live together.
- I was married to her.

- Carol. Not me.
- It's a little complicated.

- But we're fine.
- Absolutely.

So, twins. Ha.

That's like two births.

Ouch.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

[MIMICS INTERCOM BUZZING]
- To you too, Helen.

HELEN [OVER INTERCOM]:
Nina Bookbinder is here to see you.

Oh. Okay, send her in.

Hi.

- Hi, Nina. Come on in.
- You wanted to see me?

Uh, yes.
Uh, I was just going over your data.

You've been postdating
your Friday numbers.

Which is bad, because?

- Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack.
- Ha, ha.

Excuse me?

WENUS. Ahem.

- Weekly Estimated...
- Oh, Net Usage Statistics.

Right. Gotcha, gotcha.

Won't happen again. I wouldn't
want to do anything to hurt your...

...WENUS.

It's not just that she's cute, okay?
It's just that...

...she's really, really cute.

It doesn't matter. You don't dip
your pen in the company ink.

Ross.

Your little creature's
got the remote again.

Marcel. Marcel, give Rossy the remote.

Marcel.

Marcel, you give Rossy
the remote right now.

You give Rossy the remote...

[CHARACTERS SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

- Great.
- Relax. I'll fix it.

Oh, cool. Urkel in Spanish is Urkel.

How did he do this?

So tell me,
is leaving the Christmas lights up...

...part of your plan to keep us merry
all year long?

No, someone was supposed to take
them down around New Year's...

...but obviously someone forgot.

Well, someone was supposed to write:

"Rach, take down the lights,"
and put it on the refrigera...

How long has that been there?

Hey, where you been?

I went back to Riff's. I think Ursula
likes me. All I ordered was coffee.

She brought me a tuna melt
and four plates of curly fries.

Score.

She is so hot.

Listen, okay, before you do
anything Joey-like...

...you might want to run it by, uh...

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Pheebs?
- Yeah?

Would it be okay
if I asked out your sister?

Why? Why would you
want to do that? Why?

So that if we went out on a date,
she'd be there.

Well, I mean, I'm not
my sister's, you know...

...whatever. And, um...

I mean, it's true,
we were one egg once.

But, you know,
we've grown apart, so, um...

I don't know. Why not?

Cool. Thanks.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Do you wanna watch
Laverne y Shirley?

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Sorry.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Sorry I'm late.
Uh, where's Carol?

Stuck at school.
Some parent-teacher thing.

You can go.
I'll get the information.

No, no, ahem, I think I should stay.
We should both know what's going on.

Oh, good.

This will be fun.

Alrighty. We're gonna start with some basic
third-stage breathing exercises.

Mommies, get on your back.

And, coaches, you should be
supporting Mommy's head.

- What?
- What?

I'm supposed to be the mommy?

Okay, I'm gonna play
my sperm card one more time.

I don't see why I have to miss out on the
coaching training because I'm a woman.

I see. So, what do you propose to do?

- I'll flip you for it.
- Flip me for it? No, no, no.

Heads, heads, heads.

On your back, Mom.

All right, mommies,
take a nice, deep, cleansing breath.

Good.

Now imagine your vagina is opening...

...like a flower.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Mr. Dee. How's it going, sir?

Uh, it's been better.

The Annual Net Usage
Statistics are in.

- And?
- It's pretty ugly.

We haven't seen an ANUS
this bad since the '70s.

- So, what does this mean?
- We're gonna be laying off people.

Listen, I know I came in late last week.
I slept funny and my hair was snarly.

Not you.

Relax.

Ever have to fire anyone?

CHANDLER:
Nina...

Nina.

Nina...

Are you okay?

Yes. Yes, I am.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Uh, listen, the reason that
I called you in here today was, uh...

Please don't hate me.

What?

Would you like
to have dinner sometime?

So, Pheebs, what do you want
for your birthday?

Well, what I really want is for my mom
to be alive and enjoy it with me.

Okay.

Let me put it this way.
Anything from Crabtree & Evelyn?

- Bath salts would be nice.
- Oh, okay. Good.

What is this place?

Look, you're cold, I have to pee,
and there's coffee.

How bad could it be?

I think we have an answer.

What's she doing here?

This could be God's way
of telling us to eat at home.

- Think she got fired at Riff's?
- No, we were there last night.

She kept bringing swordfish.
Are you gonna go?

I'll wait until we order.
It's her, right?

It looks like her.

- Um, excuse me?
- Yeah?

Hi, it's us.

Right. And it's me.

So you're here too?

As much as you are.

Your turn.

- We know what we want.
- Oh, that's good.

- All we want is two caffe lattes.
- And some biscotti cookies.

Good choice.

- It's definitely her.
- Yeah.

[CHARACTERS SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

I can't believe you.

You still haven't told that girl
she doesn't have a job yet?

Well, you still haven't taken down
the Christmas lights.

Congratulations. I think you found
the world's thinnest argument.

I'm just trying to find the right moment.

Oh, well, that shouldn't be so hard,
now that you're dating.

"Sweetheart, you're fired. But how
about a quickie before I go to work?"

- Hey.
- Hey.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Once you're inside,
you don't have to knock anymore.

I'll get it.

Oh. Hi, Mr. Heckles.

You're doing it again.

We're not doing anything.

We're just sitting around
talking quietly.

I can hear you through the ceiling.

My cats can't sleep.

You don't even have cats.

I could have cats.

Goodbye, Mr. Heckles.

We'll try to keep it down.

Phoebe, can you do me a favor?

Try this on to make sure it fits.

Oh, my first birthday present.
Oh, this is really...

Oh, no, no. It's for Ursula.
I just figured, you know, size-wise.

Oh. Sure. Yeah.

Okay, it fits.

- Are you seeing her again tonight?
- Yep, Ice Capades.

Wow, this is serious.

I've never known you to pay money
for any kind of capade.

I don't know. I like her.

She's different.
There's, uh, something about her...

That you like.
We get it. You like her. Great.

Hey, Phoebe, I asked you,
and you said it was okay.

Well, maybe now it's not okay.

Okay.

Well, maybe now I'm not okay
with it not being okay.

Okay.

Knit, good woman.
Knit. Knit.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

And that's the Chrysler Building
right there.

NINA:
Oh.

- Nina.
- Mr. Douglas.

Cool tie.

She's still here.

Yes. Yes, she is.

Didn't I memo you on this?

See, after I let her go, uh, I got a call
from her psychiatrist, Dr. Flanen...

...Dr. Flanan, Dr. Flan.

[CHANDLER CLEARS THROAT]

And, uh, he informed me that
she took the news rather badly.

In fact, he, uh, mentioned
the word "frenzy."

You're kidding. She seems so...

Oh, no, no. Nina? She's:

In fact, if you asked her now...

...she'd have no recollection
of being fired at all.

That's unbelievable.

And yet believable.

So I decided not to fire her again...

...until I'm sure she will be
of no threat to herself or others.

I see. Hmm. You never really know
what's going on inside a person's head.

Well, I guess that's why
they call it psychology, sir.

NARRATOR [ON TV]:
The sound Mom and Dad will never forget.

For this, after all,
is the miracle of birth.

TEACHER:
Lights, please.

And that's having a baby.

Next week is our final class.

Susan, go deep.

CAROL:
It's impossible. It's just impossible.

What is, honey?

What that woman...

...did.

I am not doing that. Heh.

It'll have to stay in, that's all.
Everything will be the same.

- It'll just stay in. Ha, ha.
- Carol, honey. Shh.

- Everything will be all right.
- What do you know?

No one's saying to you,
"Hi, is that your nostril?

Mind if we push
this pot roast through it?"

Carol, sweetie.

Cleansing breath.

I know it's frightening.
But big picture:

The birth part is just one day...

...and when it's over, we'll all
be parents for the rest of our lives.

SUSAN: I mean, that's what
this is all about, right?

Ross?

Ross.

I'm gonna be a father.

- This is just occurring to you?
- I always knew I was having a baby.

I just never realized
the baby was having me.

Oh, you're gonna be great.

How could you say that?

I can't even get Marcel
to stop eating the bathmat.

How will I raise a kid?

You know, Ross, some scientists
are now saying...

...that monkeys and babies
are actually different.

- Where are you going?
- Out.

With?

Yes.

All right, can I just ask you one question?

Have you two, you know,
like, you know?

You know?

Yet?

Well, not that it's any
of your business...

...but no, we haven't, okay?

You meant sex, right?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

- Do you have a sec?
- Uh, sure, Nina. What's up?

I don't know. For the past couple days,
people have been avoiding me...

...and giving me
these really strange looks.

Oh, well, uh, maybe that's because...

...they're, uh, jealous of us.

Maybe.

But that doesn't explain why
they keep taking my scissors.

Uh, well, maybe that's, uh,
because you're getting a big raise.

- I am?
- Sure. Why not?

Oh, my God. You're amazing.

Oh, you don't know.

Helen, make sure we put through the
paperwork on Miss Bookbinder's raise.

HELEN [OVER INTERCOM]: Still want her
psychological profile sent to personnel?

- What?
- Helen drinks.

Will you marry me?

- Well, I ended up telling her everything.
- Ooh. How'd she take it?

Pretty well.
Except for the stapler thing.

Little tip. If you're ever
in a similar situation...

...never, ever leave
your hand on the desk.

Okay, I think I get how to do this.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Can we turn this off?
Can we make them go away?

Because I can't watch.

- Okay, Pheebs, they're gone.
- Okay.

- Are you all right?
- Yeah.

It's just, you know,
this whole stupid Ursula thing.

Okay, Pheebs, can I ask?

So he's going out with her.
Is it really so terrible?

Um, yeah.

I mean, I'm not saying
she's evil or anything.

She's just, you know,
always breaking my stuff.

When I was 8, I wouldn't let her
have my Judy Jetson Thermos...

...so she threw it under the bus.

And then there's Randy Brown...

...who was like...

Have you ever had a boyfriend
who was like your best friend?

- No.
- No.

Well, but that's what he was for me.

And she, you know,
kind of stole him away...

...and then broke his heart.

And then he wouldn't
even talk to me anymore.

He didn't want to be around anything
that looked like either one of us.

Oh, Pheebs.

I mean, I know Joey's not
my boyfriend or my Thermos...

...or anything, but...

- You won't lose him.
- You gotta talk to Joey.

Yeah, okay.

Come on. He doesn't know this stuff.
If he knew how you felt...

He's falling in love with her.

Oh, please.
They've been going out a week.

They haven't even slept together yet.
I mean, that's not serious.

Okay.

Oh. Okay. Oh.

Oh.

Yeah, um, may we help you?

Rachel, what are you doing? It's freezing.
Would you come inside?

No, no, no.

You wanted me to take them down...

...so I'm taking them down, okay?

[RACHEL YELLS]

Rachel!

I'm okay. I'm okay.

Mr. Heckles?

Mr. Heckles,
could you help me, please?

See, this is just the kind of thing
I was talking about.

[English - US - SDH]