Friends (1994–2004): Season 1, Episode 17 - The One with Two Parts: Part 2 - full transcript

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Previously on Friends:

- Excuse me, miss.
- It's Phoebe.

- Will that be all?
- They're twins.

Phoebe's Phoebe. Ursula's hot.

- It's for Ursula.
- Sure, yeah. Okay, it fits.

Marcel, give Rossy the remote.

How did he do this?

It's this whole stupid Ursula thing.

So he's going out with her.
Is it really so terrible?

- You don't know my sister.
- Talk to Joey.

- He's falling in love with her.
- You won't lose him.



They haven't even slept together yet.
That's not serious.

Oh. Um, yeah.

May we help you?

Rachel! Rachel!

I'm okay. I'm okay.

Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow.

Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow.

Uh, hi, uh, my friend was taking down
our Christmas lights...

...and she fell off the balcony
and may have broken her foot or ankle.

My God, you still have
your Christmas lights up?

Fill this out and bring it back.

- Okay. Here you go.
- Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow.

Okay. Whew.

All right.



Name...

...address...

Okay. In case of emergency, call?

You.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Oh, gosh. I love you.

Okay, insurance?

Oh, yeah, check it.
Definitely gonna want some of that.

You don't have insurance?

Why? How much is this gonna cost?

I have no idea, but X-rays alone
could be a couple hundred dollars.

- What are we gonna do?
- There's not much we can do.

Uh, unless I use yours.

No, no, no, no, no.

Well, now, wait a second.

Who did I just put as my
"in case of emergency" person?

That's insurance fraud.

Well, all right, then. Forget it.
Might as well just go home.

- Ow, ow, ow, ow!
- Okay, okay.

- Okay, come here. I hate this.
- Thank you. I love you.

Hi, heh. Um, I'm gonna need
a new set of these forms.

Why?

I am really an idiot.

You see, I was filling out
my friend's form...

...and instead of putting
her information...

...I put mine.

You are an idiot.

Yep, that's me. Heh.
I am that stupid.

I had a dream last night
where I was playing football with my kid.

- That's nice.
- That's nice.

No, no. With him.

I'm on this field,
and they hike me the baby.

I know I've gotta do something because the
Tampa Bay defense is coming right at me.

Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.

Right, but...

...it is just me and the baby,
so I'm thinking they can take us.

And so I, uh, heh...

I just heave it downfield.

What are you, crazy?
That's a baby.

He should take the sack?

Anyway, suddenly I'm downfield.

And I realize that I'm the one
who's supposed to catch him, right?

Only I know there's no way
I'm not gonna get there in time.

So I am running and I'm running...

...and that is when I woke up.

See, I am so not ready
to be a father.

Hey, you're gonna be fine.

You're one of the most caring,
responsible men in North America.

You're gonna make a great dad.

Yeah, Ross. You and the baby
just need better blocking.

Oh. Have either of you ever been to
the Rainbow Room? Is it expensive?

Only if you order stuff.

I'm taking Ursula tonight.
It's her birthday.

- Whoa. What about Phoebe's birthday?
- When's that?

Uh...

...tonight.

Ugh, man, what are the odds
of that happening?

You take your time.

There it is.

So, what are you gonna do?

What can I do? I don't want
to screw it up with Ursula.

And your friend Phoebe?

If she's my friend, hopefully
she'll understand. Wouldn't you guys?

Man, if you tried that on my birthday...

...you'd be staring at
the business end of a hissy fit.

You add a pinch of saffron,
it makes all the difference.

Okay, uh...

- Monica?
- Yes?

Yes, she is.

- Hi. This is my friend Rachel.
- Hi.

Hi, uh, Rachel, I'm Dr. Mitchell.

And I'm his friend Dr. Rosen.

Aren't you a little cute
to be a doctor?

Excuse me?

God, young, young.
I meant young, heh.

Young to be a doctor.

- Oh, good, Rach.
- Thank you.

Right.

So he said it was just a sprain,
and that was it.

Uh, you left out the stupid part.

It's not stupid.

The very cute doctors asked us out
for tomorrow night, and I said yes.

I think it's totally insane.
I mean, they work for the hospital.

It's like returning
to the scene of the crime.

- I say we blow off the dates.
- What? Monica, they are cute.

They are doctors. Cute doctors.
Doctors who are cute.

All right, what have
we learned so far?

Surprise!

What the hell are you doing?
You scared the crap out of me.

- Was that the cake?
- Yeah.

I got a lemon shmush.

Come on.
She'll be here any minute.

I hope it's okay.

"Happy Birthday, Peehee. "

Maybe we can make
a B out of one of those roses.

Yeah, we'll just use
our special cake tools.

- Hey, what's going on?
- Oh, we just...

Surprise!

Oh, oh, oh!

This is so great.

Oh, my God.

This was not at all scary.

Hi, everybody. Hi, Betty.

Betty, hi.

You found Betty.
Oh, my gosh. This is so great.

Everybody I love is in the same room.

Where's Joey?

Did you see Betty?

I tell you, I wouldn't mind having a piece
of this sun-dried-tomato business.

Five years ago, if somebody'd said to me,
"Here's a tomato that looks like a prune"...

...I'd have said,
"Get out of my office. "

Dad, before I was born,
did you freak out at all?

I'm not freaking out.
I'm just saying...

...if someone had come to me
with the idea...

Dad, Dad, Dad. I'm talking about
the whole, uh, baby thing.

Did you, uh, ever get this sort of...

...panicky, "Oh, my God, I'm gonna
be a father" kind of a thing?

No.

Your mother really did the work.
I was busy with the business.

I wasn't around that much.

Is that what this is about?

No, no, Dad. I was just wondering.

There's time to make up for that.
We can do stuff together.

You always wanted to go to colonial
Williamsburg. How about we do that?

Thanks, Dad. Really, heh.

You know, I just, I just...

I just needed to know, um...

...when did you start
to feel like a father?

Oh. Well, I guess it must have been
the day after you were born.

We were in the hospital room,
your mother was asleep...

...and they brought you in
and gave you to me.

You were this ugly little red thing.

And all of a sudden, you grabbed
my finger with your whole fist...

...and you squeezed it...

...so tight.

And that's when I knew.

So you don't want to go
to Williamsburg?

We can go to Williamsburg.

Eat your fish.

Rachel, the cute doctors are here.

Okay, coming.

Hi, come on in.
Hey, Michael, Jeffrey.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Uh, here, we brought wine.

Look at this. It's from the cellars
of Ernest and Tova Borgnine.

- So how could we resist?
- Oh, that's great.

- So, Monica, how's the ankle?
- It's, uh...

Why don't you tell them?

After all, it is your ankle.

You know, it's feeling a lot better.
Thank you.

Listen, why don't you guys sit down,
and we'll get you some glasses.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Um...
- Stat.

Okay, listen, I'm thinking, why don't we
just tell them who we really are?

- I mean, I think it'll be fine.
- It will not. We'll get in trouble.

Monica, would you stop being
such a wuss?

A wuss? Excuse me
for living in the real world.

- So?
- So they still seem normal.

That's because they are.

You have to admit, when we go out
with women we meet at the hospital...

Would you relax?
Take a look around.

There are no pagan altars.

No piles of bones in the corners.

They're fine. Go like this:

I said we are not going to do it, okay?
Sometimes you can be such a big baby.

- I am not a baby.
- Be serious.

- You get uptight...
- You act like a princess.

- You know what? You know what?
- What? What?

Every day you are becoming
more and more like your mother.

Excuse me. Hello, here we go.

This is a great place.
How long have you lived here?

Thanks. I've been here
about six years.

And Rachel moved in a few months ago.

See, I was supposed to get married...

...but, um, I left the guy at the altar.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I know
it's pretty selfish, but, heh...

...hey, that's me.

- Why don't you try the hummus?
- Ahem.

So, Monica, what do you do?

Uh, I am a, uh, chef
at a restaurant uptown.

- Oh, good for you.
- Yeah, it is.

Mostly because I get to boss people
around, which I just love to do.

Well, this hummus is great.

God bless the chickpea.

Oh, God.

I am so spoiled.

That's it.

And by the way, have I mentioned
that back in high school...

...I was a cow?

I used to wet my bed.

I use my breasts to get
other people's attention.

We both do that.

Monica and Rachel's apartment.

Uh... Uh, yeah, just one second.
Uh, Rachel, it's your dad.

Hi, Dad.

No, no. It's me.

Listen, Dad,
I can't talk right now. Um...

But there's something, um...

There's something
that I've been meaning to tell you.

Excuse me.

Remember back in freshman year?

Well, Billy Dreskin and I
had sex on your bed.

Daddy...

Daddy... Daddy, why?
Why would I sleep with Billy Dreskin?

His father tried to put
you out of business.

You are dead.

Ross, he's got the remote again.

Good.

Maybe he can switch it back.

Maybe not.

Hello?

Uh, ueah... Uh...

Okay, uh, hold on a second and let me
just check and see if she's here.

It's the woman from the hospital.
There's a problem with the form.

Oh, God, what do we do?

I don't know.
Just find out what they want.

Okay. No, you do it.

Hello. This is Monica.

Yeah?

Oh. Okay.

Yes, we'll be right down.
Thank you.

We forgot to sign
one of the admissions forms.

- Okay, you're right, this wasn't worth it.
- Thank you.

- Okay, let me just change.
- Yes.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Trouble?

Your sister stood me up
the other night.

Oh, no. Don't you hate it
when people aren't there for you?

- Did you try calling her?
- I've been trying for two days.

When I called the restaurant,
they said she was too busy to talk.

I can't believe
she's blowing me off.

Hey.

Oh.

Um, you got a minute?

Um, yeah, I'm just working.

- So...
- Uh-huh?

Um, oh, I got you a birthday present.

Oh, wow, you remembered.

Oh. It's a Judy Jetson Thermos.

Right. Like the kind you...

Right.

Oh, I got something for you too.

How'd you know I was coming?

Um, yeah, um, "twin" thing.

I can't believe you did this.

I can't believe you...

...did this.

So, what's the deal with, um,
you and Joey?

Oh, right.

He is so great. But that's over.

- Does he know?
- Who?

Joey. You know, um, ahem,
he's really nutsy about you.

He is? Why?

- You got me.
- Right.

Excuse me...

...doesn't this come
with a side salad?

So, um, are you gonna call him?

- What, you think he likes me?
- No. Joey.

Oh. No, no. He is so smart.
He'll figure it out.

Do you want some chicken?

No, no.
No food with a face, remember?

You have not changed.

Yeah, you too.

- Hi. Remember us?
- Mm-hm.

Um, yeah, you just called about needing
a signature on the admissions form?

Well, it turns out
we need a whole new one.

Because, um, you see...

...I put the wrong name again.

- Because, um...
- You're that stupid.

I am. I'm that stupid.

Yeah, and I'm just gonna pay
for this with a check.

You know, your insurance will cover that.

Yeah, I know.
I'm just not that bright either.

Okay, worst case scenario:

- Say you never feel like a father.
- Uh-huh.

Say your son never feels
connected to you as one.

Say all of his relationships
are affected by this.

Do you have a point?

You know, you'd think I would.

What's up with the simian?

It's just a fur ball.

Okay, whose turn is it?

Yours. I just got 43 points for "kidney. "

No, you got zero points for "idney. "

I had a K. Where's my K?

You've got to help me.
My monkey swallowed a K.

Get that animal out of here.

The animal hospital is way across town.
He's choking. I don't know what to do.

- What's going on?
- Marcel swallowed a Scrabble tile.

Excuse me.
This hospital is for people.

Lady, he is people.
He has a name, okay?

He watches Jeopardy...

...he touches himself
when nobody's watching.

Please, have a heart.

- I'll take a look at him.
- Oh, thank you.

- Michael.
- Rachel.

- What?
- Monica.

- Oh.
- Hi.

Hey.

Urs.

What are you doing here?
I've been trying to call you.

Listen, um...

Don't say "listen. " I know that
"listen. " I've said that "listen. "

I'm sorry.

I don't get it.
What happened?

What about everything
you said under the bridge?

Yeah, um, ahem...

You know, just forget about
what I said under the bridge.

I was talking crazy that night.
I was so drunk.

You don't drink.

That's right, I don't.

But I was drunk on you.

- Oh, Urs.
- But, yeah, so it's not gonna work.

Why? Is it because
I'm friends with Phoebe?

If it was, would you
stop hanging out with her?

No.

No, I couldn't do that.

Um, then, yeah, it's because of Phoebe.

So you know, it's either her or me.

Then, uh... Then I'm sorry.

You know...

...you're gonna be
really, really hard to get over.

I know.

I don't know whether it's just
because we're breaking up or what...

...but you have never
looked so beautiful.

Really?

- Pheebs?
- Yeah.

He looks so tiny.

- We just got the message.
- Is he all right?

Yeah, the doctor got the K out.

He also found an M and an O.

We think he was trying
to spell out "monkey. "

The doctor says he'll be fine.
He's just sleeping now.

So you feel like a dad yet?

No. Why?

Hey, come on, you came through.
You did what you had to do.

That is very dad.

Oh, look, he's waking up.

Hey, fella. How you doing?

Ooh.

[English - US - SDH]