Friday Night Dinner (2011–…): Season 6, Episode 1 - The Caravan - full transcript
Both Adam and Jonny have new girlfriends, but decide it is probably best not to tell their mother. Martin has bought a disgusting, old, battered caravan which is propped up on bricks in the drive.
Seriously, we're going to have to
tell them at some point.
Er no, we're going to have to
tell them at no point.
What? The first time we've ever had
girlfriends at the same time?
Do you know how happy mum will be?
Yes, the happiest she's ever
been in her entire life.
Exactly. And it will be hell.
It won't be hell.
It will be hell, won't it? Total
hell.
Let's definitely not tell them.
Yuck. What's that smell?
Sewers.
Oh. Um, thanks.
You're welcome.
Scared of the man? Petrified.
And there it is.
Dad's massive, stupid caravan.
It's absolutely disgusting.
It's a dustbin on wheels. Dustbin on
bricks.
Hello, bambinos. Hi. Hello, Dad.
Well, what do you think?
Er, were you wearing a blindfold
when you bought that?
What? Or were you just in a coma?
Pillock.
Why the hell did you buy a caravan?
I told you, I went in one
when I was a boy, and...
Whoa.
That's not dangerous.
Yeah, "Safety last", eh, Dad?
Idiots.
Well, come in then.
Really?
Say your prayers.
Well?
And if you thought it looked
nice on the outside...
What a dump. What? It's fabulous.
Yes, it's a fabulous shithole.
It's not a shithole. Ow.
Now, listen, I need your help.
Psychological help, or...?
How am I going to get that mother
of yours to set foot in my caravan?
Er, have you tried chloroform?
She hates this bloody thing.
And might that be because you bought
this shithole behind her back?
It's not a shithole.
Well, OK, it needs a bit of work.
Or a bit of dynamite.
So? So, what?
Are you going to help me, then?
What? Help you make mum like your
horrible caravan? Yes.
BOTH: No.
Why not? Because it's a shithole.
Jesus.
Yeah, that needs adjusting.
You need adjusting. Goodbye.
Now wait...
Now, how about we all have
dinner in here tonight?
Sure, Dad. Sure. It'll be lovely.
All four of us, the whole family,
eating together.
Dying together. Look, it's got
everything, a kitchen.
Hideous. A dining area. Hideous.
Toilet.
That's just terrifying.
OK, then , just look at what
I made for your mum.
Boys...
I thought you were in here.
Hi. Hi, Mum. Hello, my sweet, are
you coming inside?
You know the answer, Martin.
Boys... But you haven't even given
it a chance.
Come on, Jackie, you don't
know what you're missing.
Any number of diseases.
Ow. OK, out of that shithole.
Certainly.
It's not a shithole.
And make sure you wash your hands.
What? They don't need to wash their
hands.
Er, we do need to wash our hands.
Um, and dinner's nearly ready. Are
you coming inside or what?
Well, actually, Jackie,
the boys said that they'd really
like to have dinner in the caravan.
Yes, that is exactly what we said.
Martin, for the 800th time, we are
not having dinner in your...
..murder van, all right?
All right. God.
See you, Dad. Yeha, enjoy your
murdering.
He wants us to have dinner in that?!
Certain death. Can you believe your
stupid dad bought a caravan?
Not just any caravan. That caravan.
All week it's been
festering in our drive.
Boys, where can we get a crushing
machine?
You know he wanted to take me
on holiday in that thing?
On holiday?
What? So you can both plummet off a
cliff?
Hands.
It's funny, I haven't
stepped inside it once yet,
and it's been sending him quite mad.
We hadn't noticed.
What's with the water?
Oh, cos they've been digging
up the silly road.
Looking for dad's victims?
Yes, I'm really enjoying
annoying your father at the moment.
And long may it continue, Mother.
Hm, I'm really enjoying it.
Er, is that, gin?
Sorry. I must just go for a wee.
Mum?
She's drinking gin. That's what she
drinks when she's...
..depressed. We have to tell her our
news. No way.
Adam. Boys. Ugh. God, Dad, what are
you doing?
Shhh. Where's your mother?
What? Where is she? Um, in the
loo. What do you want?
Just gone in the loo? Or been in
there a while? Does it matter?
Has your brain fallen
out of your head tonight?
Just answer the sodding question.
Um, she's been in the loo for,
precisely 17 seconds.
Great.
Right, this is the plan.
The plan?
You take the soup,
follow me out through the side door,
all the way up to the caravan. What?
Dinner in the caravan. Remember?
Erm, no, we don't remember.
No, we do remember, we said
we definitely do not
want to have dinner in your
disgusting caravan.
God, then I'll have to get the
bloody soup myself then, won't I?
Thanks for nothing.
Martin? What are you doing with my
soup? Huh? Boys, quick.
You little git.
What are you doing?
Dad thinks he's in a prison
movie or something.
Were you stealing my soup?
No. Yes, you were. Shut up.
And have a guess where
he was taking it.
Right, I'm having that, thank you.
But Jackie, I've made it
all nice in there.
What? You mean you've emptied
the chemical toilet?
Actually, I may need a hand
with that thing,
cos the unit's jammed
and it's brimming with human waste.
OK, maybe you shouldn't have
dinner with us tonight.
What? Er, Mum? Shut up, boys.
Yes, maybe you should eat
all on your own.
But, Jackie. In your shithole.
It's not a shithole!
Right then.
Dinner for three?
This is fun, isn't it?
The three of us having dinner,
mummy and her boys.
Uh-huh.
What? Well, I mean,
obviously this is great fun.
Great fun. And not at all like we
suddenly don't have a dad any more.
Very good. Even though we always set
a place for him at the table.
To remind us of the better times.
Thank you, boys.
I hope he's all right in there.
Poor dad.
Poor dad? Right.
We'll see if he's all
right in there, shall we?
Jackie to Martin.
BOTH: What is that?
Your dad's stupid thing for
when he's in his stupid, crapmobile.
Martin, it's Jackie,
are you all right in there?
It's a good system.
Martin to Jackie, how many times do
I have to tell you?
It's "Are you all
right in there OVER?"
He's all right in there.
I'm sorry,
but it's been like this all week.
Every night he's
had his dinner out there,
and I've had my dinner in here.
It's been really hard.
I've been really lonely.
Adam's got a girlfriend. You shit.
Ow. What? Jonny's got a girlfriend.
Huh? You've both got girlfriends?
BOTH: Yes.
At the same time?
BOTH: Yes.
Oh, my God, thank you!
Please. Thank you.
Mum. Oh, I am so excited.
Martin? Uh.
Martin. Come inside right now.
Something incredible's just
happened.
Seriously?
Boys, you don't know how happy
you've just made your mother.
We do.
Martin to Jackie, it's "Something
incredible's just happened OVER!"
God.
Where are you going?
Martin, bloody come in here right
now.
Mum?! The neighbours? Screw the
neighbours.
Oh, we are going to celebrate
tonight.
Are we? And I am going to hear
everything, about everything.
DOOR BELL RINGS
Coming! Right, stay there. Stay
there.
Oooooh. Two weddings.
Hell. Total.
Martin, the boys have...
Hello, Jackie. Oh, it's you.
The boys have what, Jackie? Cholera?
Sorry? Um, terrible time, Jim.
What do you want? Martin?
No, I just wanted you to know that
I've finally come up with a name.
A name? Yes, Jackie, well,
I couldn't keep calling her Wilson,
so, I've come up with a completely
different name for her.
Oh, right.
And, what is it?
Milson.
Milson? Milson.
Hi, Jim. Hello, boys.
Um. Jim's got a completely new
name for his dog.
It's Milson.
Well, that is a completely new
name.
Right, well erm, thank you, Jim.
Martin?
Also, I wondered if you'd noticed a
strange sort of eggy smell outside?
Eggy smell? Yes. Very eggy.
Oh, yeah, well that'll just be
the water people.
The Water People? Where?
Um, in the road, Jim, you know,
the people doing the sewers?
The sewers.
MARTIN: So I'm allowed in now, am I?
Uh. Been in your special little
house, have you, Martin?
What? Oh, that's right.
I've always wanted to
go in one of those.
Well, you're welcome any time, Jim.
Am I? Stupid bumhole.
So is that all, Jim? Yes, of course,
Jackie.
Bye all.
Come on, Milson.
Good girl.
Um, goodbye, Jim. Goodnight.
My God.
Milson?
Martin, the boys have some
incredible news.
Go on, tell your dad.
Adam's got three weeks to live.
Ow.
That is a horrible thing to say.
Three weeks?
Can't he make it three days?
Argh, Jackie. God. Both the boys
have got girlfriends.
Really? These two buggers have both
got females?
Uhhh. Yeah, dad, we've both got
"females".
Isn't that amazing? Ooh, what are
their names?
BOTH: Lucy.
Sorry? They're both called Lucy.
Both of your girlfriends are called
Lucy?
Yeah, it's quite annoying actually.
Very annoying.
OK, well, we'll call your Lucy, Lucy
one
and your Lucy, Lucy two. Great idea,
Mum.
Er, why's my girlfriend number two?
Cos she's second best, obviously.
Ow.
Well, aren't you going to say
anything, Martin?
What? Oh, yes...
..well done. Well done?
Both of your sons have got
girlfriends
and that's all you can say?
It's OK, mum. It's not OK.
Do you know how many years I've been
waiting for this bloody moment?
You're supposed to be their father.
Say something proper to your sons.
OK, boys...
BOTH: Yes?
..always wear a sheath.
Ahhh, your girlfriends sound
so nice.
Yes, please ask lots more
questions about them.
Like another 100,000.
Stop it. Can we have the rest
of our dinner now?
Come on, photos?
Photos? Really? Come on.
Uhhh.
Ooh, lovely hair.
Yup. Ooh, lovely smile.
Mine's definitely the fittest.
The shittest.
Dad? Pissface.
Who do you think's the fittest?
Oh, how can you say such a thing.
The fittest? How would I know?
Have you tried racing them
against each other?
Huh?
Fantastic celebration.
Well, if you really want to
celebrate,
why don't we all go in my caravan?
Or why don't we not?
In fact, if you and your "ladies"
ever want to use the caravan for a
bit of, you know...
"Ar-ar-ar-ah. Ar--ar-ar-ar-ar-ah."
Oh, my God. Just ask.
You're revolting. You know that?
Oh, yes.
Right, go in there
and take the chicken into the dining
room, will you?
Ar-ar-ar-ah. Ar--ar-ar-ar-ar-ah.
OK. Nazi interrogation over?
All right. Yes.
Bring on the chicken.
Chicken time.
Ahhh, I can't wait to
meet your lovely girls.
Sorry? Huh?
Well, you want them
to meet mummy, don't you?
Right.
Thank you for ruining
my celebration.
Your celebration?
OK, obviously mum and dad are never
meeting our girlfriends.
Obviously. Boys? Boys?
Mum? What's happened?
He's taken the chicken.
This is ridiculous.
Piss off.
How's he got his top off already?
STATIC FEEDBACK
Martin, come out with the chicken
this second.
It's, "Martin, come out with
the chicken this second, OVER."
How many bleeding times? Jonny!
Bloody sods! Give us the chicken!
Now!
Get off! Dad!
OK, you can have the chicken,
you can all have the chicken,
if you eat it in here.
What? Your mum thinks it's
so horrible in my caravan, does she?
Well, just wait till
she sees what I've done for her.
There, see that?
"Martin and Jackie."
Yes, very nice, dad.
Can we have the chicken now?
And if I press this button...
THEY SCREAM
Agh! Now! Sorry, Dad. Oi!
I've got the chicken!
I've got the chicken!
Quickly!
SHE LAUGHS
Give it back, you bastards.
Oh, Bobbles, my heroes.
KNOCKS ON DOOR
Give me that chicken!
Go away! He needs locking up.
KNOCKS ON DOOR
Right. Oh, no, the side door.
CRASH
Ow.
Wait. Huh?
GRUNTING
Ahhh, of course. Hello, Martin.
Well, help me, then.
Certainly, darling,
let me just move this nice,
soft chair out of your way.
Oh, Jackie. Help me for God's sake.
Uh, don't you mean,
"Help me for God's sake, over?"
Why don't you sit down, boys?
Thank you, mother.
You bloody, bleeding...!
HE SHOUTS, THUDS, HE GROANS
Agh. I think I've broken my skull.
You are getting scraps tonight.
Do you hear me? Scraps!
Yes.
Our poor girlfriends,
missing all this.
Hello, all. God, Jim! Christ!
THEY SHOUT
Jim?
Completely flooded?
Yes, Jackie,
my house is completely flooded.
With, what's the word?
Um, water?
Excrement. Excrement? Excrement?
Apparently a sewerage pipe
got redirected into my house.
Th-that's why my shoes are all...
Eeh, ooh...
And, uh...
And then the water people
told me I had to leave
while they tried to fix it.
And now I've got nowhere to go.
Oh, God.
Sorry, Jim,
we'd love to invite you in,
but we're sort of celebrating
tonight.
No more cholera? What?! Sorry?
Um, it's all right, Jackie.
I wasn't going to ask
if I could come in.
Good. Oh. No, I just wondered
if maybe I could have a little
piece of chicken to eat.
Er, OK.
And maybe if I could have it
in the...
..special little house.
MUSIC: 1901
by Phoenix
Oof. Nice bone and gristle, Martin?
Ooh.
Jim to Martin on the talkie walkie,
over.
Not again. Definitely going to
be like this all night.
Martin reading, over.
Um, where's the mustard? Over.
The man's driving me bloody mad.
Ahhh, is he?
Martin to Jim.
The mustard's in the little drawer
on the right, over.
Thank you, Martin. Over and out.
Well, at least he follows the
correct communications procedure.
On the talkie walkie.
Jim to Martin on the talkie walkie.
Bleeding hell.
Martin reading. Over.
Do you have anything that looks
and tastes like a lemon,
but isn't a lemon? Over.
Oh, turn the wretched thing off,
will you?
Do your lady friends like caravans?
Do they like caravans?
Martin, our sons announce that
they've both got girlfriends,
and that's the first thing
you want to ask?
Um, sorry, dad I don't actually know
if my girlfriend likes caravans.
Yeah, funny,
I don't really know either.
You don't know
if they like caravans?
What the hell do you talk about?
Not caravans, I hope.
I mean, I can ask
if you'd like me to.
I would, actually.
"Do you like caravans?"
I'll ask as well, just texting
Lucy One, the best Lucy.
So when am I going to
bloody meet them?
100 years? 1,000 years?
1,000 years.
Boys.
PHONE DINGS
OK. She says, "What do you mean,
caravans?"
PHONE VIBRATES
Oh!
"Caravans? What do you mean?"
They've never heard of caravans?
PHONE RINGS
Oh! Hi. No, sorry, it was just
my stupid dad, yep.
PHONE RINGS
Sorry, babe, my stupid,
stupid dad just wanted to know.
Yeah, right... It's the girls!
Ooh, let me say hello to them.
Mum, get off.
Ah, please. God, Mum! Adam. No,
Adam. Adam!
Leave me alone! Aw, Adam!
I know. Sorry, Luce, she's mad.
Crazy. Get off! Just go away!
Right. But I want to speak to them.
Mum! Give me your phones!
Give me your phones!
Get off, you lunatic!
Get in there! In there!
Wait, no, boys! Just get in there.
Horrible!
She's insane!
It's not fair.
So do they like caravans?
Sorry, Luce, she's mad.
DOORBELL RINGS
I know, crazy.
Yeah, see you later.
Yep, anyway, bye.
Absolutely insane.
Absolutely insane.
Ugh.
Insane! Insane.
Thank you so much for that.
Yes, thanks, Mum.
Horrible boys.
Hello, all. Oh, yeah, Jim's here.
What are you bloody doing?
Um, I've been told by the water
people that I can go back home now.
Oh, right. Really?
There's still excrement everywhere,
but there's not quite so much
excrement everywhere as before.
Lovely. Ugh, what is that smell?
Close the window, will you?
HE SIGHS
Oh, and Martin, I noticed the loo
in your caravan was all blocked up,
so I...
DOG WHINES
Remain. So I, um...
..I managed to get
the waste unit out for you.
My God.
Ugh! Jim! Don't leave it there!
Thanks, Jim.
Maybe take that back outside again?
Yes, but slowly.
Yes, course, slowly,
cos it is rather full.
DOG BARKS
THEY SCREAM
Great! Now our house
is flooded with excrement.
My lovely dining room!
Oh, I think I'm going to be sick.
Oh, Martin, get a mop.
What?! I'm not walking through
that...! Sea of shit? Adam!
We'll have to go through the window.
The window? Come on.
Oh, my God.
No, no, Milson,
you've had your supper.
THEY WHIMPER
Hold me, Jackie. Never let go.
Yes, all right, Jim.
I-I really am so sorry for spilling
all that, well, you know.
Yes, Jim. All I can say
is that at least it's your own.
And a little bit of mine.
Bye, all!
HE GRUNTS
Thanks, Jim. So what do we do now?
Just go back in the house. Really?
OK, we're not going
back in the house.
HE CLEARS THROAT
£500?
I know it's Friday night,
but 500 quid
to come and clean up some mess?
Have you told them it's shit?
It's actual shit?
Just shut up. Uh, OK, two hours.
But please hurry.
SHE GROANS
Terrific.
Well, Martin, you've finally
got your dinner in your caravan.
Are you happy now? Yes. Very. Hm.
Actually, it's not so bad in here.
See?
Yeah, it's all right, really.
It was meant to be a celebration,
a family celebration.
It is a family celebration.
Is it? Dad? What? Your thing.
What thing?
Oh, yeah, Jackie, look,
I got this made especially for you.
"Martin and Jackie."
You got that made for me?
And if I just press
this little button...
Careful, Dad.
There.
Oh, Martin.
"Martin and Ackie."
Oh, shut up.
Bloody bulbs. Thanks, sweetheart.
SHE GIGGLES
Okey dokey,
anyone for a grotty butter sandwich,
over?
Er, piss off, over.
You silly sods.
Right, let's get this
bloody thing sorted. Uh...
THEY SCREAM
Stop!
CRASHING
Oh, my God!
SHE GASPS
My caravan. My beautiful caravan.
Just look at it, Jackie!
It's a wreck!
Oh, Dad.
Aw.
Martin, look.
SHE GASPS
We can get this thing fixed,
you know.
What? We can, we will.
We'll get it fixed, I promise.
Really? BOTH: Really?
SHE TUTS
Yes, darling.
Come on, let's wait in the car.
We'll order a pizza, yeah?
Pizza! Skill!
Yeah, come on, then. Pizza.
Jonny to Dad, over.
Roger, Jonny, go ahead.
Your caravan's on fire, over.
Shit on it, over.
# I change shapes
just to hide in this place
# But I'm still, I'm still an animal
# Nobody knows it but me when I slip
# Yeah, I slip, I'm still an animal
# I change shapes
just to hide in this place
# But I'm still, I'm still an animal
tell them at some point.
Er no, we're going to have to
tell them at no point.
What? The first time we've ever had
girlfriends at the same time?
Do you know how happy mum will be?
Yes, the happiest she's ever
been in her entire life.
Exactly. And it will be hell.
It won't be hell.
It will be hell, won't it? Total
hell.
Let's definitely not tell them.
Yuck. What's that smell?
Sewers.
Oh. Um, thanks.
You're welcome.
Scared of the man? Petrified.
And there it is.
Dad's massive, stupid caravan.
It's absolutely disgusting.
It's a dustbin on wheels. Dustbin on
bricks.
Hello, bambinos. Hi. Hello, Dad.
Well, what do you think?
Er, were you wearing a blindfold
when you bought that?
What? Or were you just in a coma?
Pillock.
Why the hell did you buy a caravan?
I told you, I went in one
when I was a boy, and...
Whoa.
That's not dangerous.
Yeah, "Safety last", eh, Dad?
Idiots.
Well, come in then.
Really?
Say your prayers.
Well?
And if you thought it looked
nice on the outside...
What a dump. What? It's fabulous.
Yes, it's a fabulous shithole.
It's not a shithole. Ow.
Now, listen, I need your help.
Psychological help, or...?
How am I going to get that mother
of yours to set foot in my caravan?
Er, have you tried chloroform?
She hates this bloody thing.
And might that be because you bought
this shithole behind her back?
It's not a shithole.
Well, OK, it needs a bit of work.
Or a bit of dynamite.
So? So, what?
Are you going to help me, then?
What? Help you make mum like your
horrible caravan? Yes.
BOTH: No.
Why not? Because it's a shithole.
Jesus.
Yeah, that needs adjusting.
You need adjusting. Goodbye.
Now wait...
Now, how about we all have
dinner in here tonight?
Sure, Dad. Sure. It'll be lovely.
All four of us, the whole family,
eating together.
Dying together. Look, it's got
everything, a kitchen.
Hideous. A dining area. Hideous.
Toilet.
That's just terrifying.
OK, then , just look at what
I made for your mum.
Boys...
I thought you were in here.
Hi. Hi, Mum. Hello, my sweet, are
you coming inside?
You know the answer, Martin.
Boys... But you haven't even given
it a chance.
Come on, Jackie, you don't
know what you're missing.
Any number of diseases.
Ow. OK, out of that shithole.
Certainly.
It's not a shithole.
And make sure you wash your hands.
What? They don't need to wash their
hands.
Er, we do need to wash our hands.
Um, and dinner's nearly ready. Are
you coming inside or what?
Well, actually, Jackie,
the boys said that they'd really
like to have dinner in the caravan.
Yes, that is exactly what we said.
Martin, for the 800th time, we are
not having dinner in your...
..murder van, all right?
All right. God.
See you, Dad. Yeha, enjoy your
murdering.
He wants us to have dinner in that?!
Certain death. Can you believe your
stupid dad bought a caravan?
Not just any caravan. That caravan.
All week it's been
festering in our drive.
Boys, where can we get a crushing
machine?
You know he wanted to take me
on holiday in that thing?
On holiday?
What? So you can both plummet off a
cliff?
Hands.
It's funny, I haven't
stepped inside it once yet,
and it's been sending him quite mad.
We hadn't noticed.
What's with the water?
Oh, cos they've been digging
up the silly road.
Looking for dad's victims?
Yes, I'm really enjoying
annoying your father at the moment.
And long may it continue, Mother.
Hm, I'm really enjoying it.
Er, is that, gin?
Sorry. I must just go for a wee.
Mum?
She's drinking gin. That's what she
drinks when she's...
..depressed. We have to tell her our
news. No way.
Adam. Boys. Ugh. God, Dad, what are
you doing?
Shhh. Where's your mother?
What? Where is she? Um, in the
loo. What do you want?
Just gone in the loo? Or been in
there a while? Does it matter?
Has your brain fallen
out of your head tonight?
Just answer the sodding question.
Um, she's been in the loo for,
precisely 17 seconds.
Great.
Right, this is the plan.
The plan?
You take the soup,
follow me out through the side door,
all the way up to the caravan. What?
Dinner in the caravan. Remember?
Erm, no, we don't remember.
No, we do remember, we said
we definitely do not
want to have dinner in your
disgusting caravan.
God, then I'll have to get the
bloody soup myself then, won't I?
Thanks for nothing.
Martin? What are you doing with my
soup? Huh? Boys, quick.
You little git.
What are you doing?
Dad thinks he's in a prison
movie or something.
Were you stealing my soup?
No. Yes, you were. Shut up.
And have a guess where
he was taking it.
Right, I'm having that, thank you.
But Jackie, I've made it
all nice in there.
What? You mean you've emptied
the chemical toilet?
Actually, I may need a hand
with that thing,
cos the unit's jammed
and it's brimming with human waste.
OK, maybe you shouldn't have
dinner with us tonight.
What? Er, Mum? Shut up, boys.
Yes, maybe you should eat
all on your own.
But, Jackie. In your shithole.
It's not a shithole!
Right then.
Dinner for three?
This is fun, isn't it?
The three of us having dinner,
mummy and her boys.
Uh-huh.
What? Well, I mean,
obviously this is great fun.
Great fun. And not at all like we
suddenly don't have a dad any more.
Very good. Even though we always set
a place for him at the table.
To remind us of the better times.
Thank you, boys.
I hope he's all right in there.
Poor dad.
Poor dad? Right.
We'll see if he's all
right in there, shall we?
Jackie to Martin.
BOTH: What is that?
Your dad's stupid thing for
when he's in his stupid, crapmobile.
Martin, it's Jackie,
are you all right in there?
It's a good system.
Martin to Jackie, how many times do
I have to tell you?
It's "Are you all
right in there OVER?"
He's all right in there.
I'm sorry,
but it's been like this all week.
Every night he's
had his dinner out there,
and I've had my dinner in here.
It's been really hard.
I've been really lonely.
Adam's got a girlfriend. You shit.
Ow. What? Jonny's got a girlfriend.
Huh? You've both got girlfriends?
BOTH: Yes.
At the same time?
BOTH: Yes.
Oh, my God, thank you!
Please. Thank you.
Mum. Oh, I am so excited.
Martin? Uh.
Martin. Come inside right now.
Something incredible's just
happened.
Seriously?
Boys, you don't know how happy
you've just made your mother.
We do.
Martin to Jackie, it's "Something
incredible's just happened OVER!"
God.
Where are you going?
Martin, bloody come in here right
now.
Mum?! The neighbours? Screw the
neighbours.
Oh, we are going to celebrate
tonight.
Are we? And I am going to hear
everything, about everything.
DOOR BELL RINGS
Coming! Right, stay there. Stay
there.
Oooooh. Two weddings.
Hell. Total.
Martin, the boys have...
Hello, Jackie. Oh, it's you.
The boys have what, Jackie? Cholera?
Sorry? Um, terrible time, Jim.
What do you want? Martin?
No, I just wanted you to know that
I've finally come up with a name.
A name? Yes, Jackie, well,
I couldn't keep calling her Wilson,
so, I've come up with a completely
different name for her.
Oh, right.
And, what is it?
Milson.
Milson? Milson.
Hi, Jim. Hello, boys.
Um. Jim's got a completely new
name for his dog.
It's Milson.
Well, that is a completely new
name.
Right, well erm, thank you, Jim.
Martin?
Also, I wondered if you'd noticed a
strange sort of eggy smell outside?
Eggy smell? Yes. Very eggy.
Oh, yeah, well that'll just be
the water people.
The Water People? Where?
Um, in the road, Jim, you know,
the people doing the sewers?
The sewers.
MARTIN: So I'm allowed in now, am I?
Uh. Been in your special little
house, have you, Martin?
What? Oh, that's right.
I've always wanted to
go in one of those.
Well, you're welcome any time, Jim.
Am I? Stupid bumhole.
So is that all, Jim? Yes, of course,
Jackie.
Bye all.
Come on, Milson.
Good girl.
Um, goodbye, Jim. Goodnight.
My God.
Milson?
Martin, the boys have some
incredible news.
Go on, tell your dad.
Adam's got three weeks to live.
Ow.
That is a horrible thing to say.
Three weeks?
Can't he make it three days?
Argh, Jackie. God. Both the boys
have got girlfriends.
Really? These two buggers have both
got females?
Uhhh. Yeah, dad, we've both got
"females".
Isn't that amazing? Ooh, what are
their names?
BOTH: Lucy.
Sorry? They're both called Lucy.
Both of your girlfriends are called
Lucy?
Yeah, it's quite annoying actually.
Very annoying.
OK, well, we'll call your Lucy, Lucy
one
and your Lucy, Lucy two. Great idea,
Mum.
Er, why's my girlfriend number two?
Cos she's second best, obviously.
Ow.
Well, aren't you going to say
anything, Martin?
What? Oh, yes...
..well done. Well done?
Both of your sons have got
girlfriends
and that's all you can say?
It's OK, mum. It's not OK.
Do you know how many years I've been
waiting for this bloody moment?
You're supposed to be their father.
Say something proper to your sons.
OK, boys...
BOTH: Yes?
..always wear a sheath.
Ahhh, your girlfriends sound
so nice.
Yes, please ask lots more
questions about them.
Like another 100,000.
Stop it. Can we have the rest
of our dinner now?
Come on, photos?
Photos? Really? Come on.
Uhhh.
Ooh, lovely hair.
Yup. Ooh, lovely smile.
Mine's definitely the fittest.
The shittest.
Dad? Pissface.
Who do you think's the fittest?
Oh, how can you say such a thing.
The fittest? How would I know?
Have you tried racing them
against each other?
Huh?
Fantastic celebration.
Well, if you really want to
celebrate,
why don't we all go in my caravan?
Or why don't we not?
In fact, if you and your "ladies"
ever want to use the caravan for a
bit of, you know...
"Ar-ar-ar-ah. Ar--ar-ar-ar-ar-ah."
Oh, my God. Just ask.
You're revolting. You know that?
Oh, yes.
Right, go in there
and take the chicken into the dining
room, will you?
Ar-ar-ar-ah. Ar--ar-ar-ar-ar-ah.
OK. Nazi interrogation over?
All right. Yes.
Bring on the chicken.
Chicken time.
Ahhh, I can't wait to
meet your lovely girls.
Sorry? Huh?
Well, you want them
to meet mummy, don't you?
Right.
Thank you for ruining
my celebration.
Your celebration?
OK, obviously mum and dad are never
meeting our girlfriends.
Obviously. Boys? Boys?
Mum? What's happened?
He's taken the chicken.
This is ridiculous.
Piss off.
How's he got his top off already?
STATIC FEEDBACK
Martin, come out with the chicken
this second.
It's, "Martin, come out with
the chicken this second, OVER."
How many bleeding times? Jonny!
Bloody sods! Give us the chicken!
Now!
Get off! Dad!
OK, you can have the chicken,
you can all have the chicken,
if you eat it in here.
What? Your mum thinks it's
so horrible in my caravan, does she?
Well, just wait till
she sees what I've done for her.
There, see that?
"Martin and Jackie."
Yes, very nice, dad.
Can we have the chicken now?
And if I press this button...
THEY SCREAM
Agh! Now! Sorry, Dad. Oi!
I've got the chicken!
I've got the chicken!
Quickly!
SHE LAUGHS
Give it back, you bastards.
Oh, Bobbles, my heroes.
KNOCKS ON DOOR
Give me that chicken!
Go away! He needs locking up.
KNOCKS ON DOOR
Right. Oh, no, the side door.
CRASH
Ow.
Wait. Huh?
GRUNTING
Ahhh, of course. Hello, Martin.
Well, help me, then.
Certainly, darling,
let me just move this nice,
soft chair out of your way.
Oh, Jackie. Help me for God's sake.
Uh, don't you mean,
"Help me for God's sake, over?"
Why don't you sit down, boys?
Thank you, mother.
You bloody, bleeding...!
HE SHOUTS, THUDS, HE GROANS
Agh. I think I've broken my skull.
You are getting scraps tonight.
Do you hear me? Scraps!
Yes.
Our poor girlfriends,
missing all this.
Hello, all. God, Jim! Christ!
THEY SHOUT
Jim?
Completely flooded?
Yes, Jackie,
my house is completely flooded.
With, what's the word?
Um, water?
Excrement. Excrement? Excrement?
Apparently a sewerage pipe
got redirected into my house.
Th-that's why my shoes are all...
Eeh, ooh...
And, uh...
And then the water people
told me I had to leave
while they tried to fix it.
And now I've got nowhere to go.
Oh, God.
Sorry, Jim,
we'd love to invite you in,
but we're sort of celebrating
tonight.
No more cholera? What?! Sorry?
Um, it's all right, Jackie.
I wasn't going to ask
if I could come in.
Good. Oh. No, I just wondered
if maybe I could have a little
piece of chicken to eat.
Er, OK.
And maybe if I could have it
in the...
..special little house.
MUSIC: 1901
by Phoenix
Oof. Nice bone and gristle, Martin?
Ooh.
Jim to Martin on the talkie walkie,
over.
Not again. Definitely going to
be like this all night.
Martin reading, over.
Um, where's the mustard? Over.
The man's driving me bloody mad.
Ahhh, is he?
Martin to Jim.
The mustard's in the little drawer
on the right, over.
Thank you, Martin. Over and out.
Well, at least he follows the
correct communications procedure.
On the talkie walkie.
Jim to Martin on the talkie walkie.
Bleeding hell.
Martin reading. Over.
Do you have anything that looks
and tastes like a lemon,
but isn't a lemon? Over.
Oh, turn the wretched thing off,
will you?
Do your lady friends like caravans?
Do they like caravans?
Martin, our sons announce that
they've both got girlfriends,
and that's the first thing
you want to ask?
Um, sorry, dad I don't actually know
if my girlfriend likes caravans.
Yeah, funny,
I don't really know either.
You don't know
if they like caravans?
What the hell do you talk about?
Not caravans, I hope.
I mean, I can ask
if you'd like me to.
I would, actually.
"Do you like caravans?"
I'll ask as well, just texting
Lucy One, the best Lucy.
So when am I going to
bloody meet them?
100 years? 1,000 years?
1,000 years.
Boys.
PHONE DINGS
OK. She says, "What do you mean,
caravans?"
PHONE VIBRATES
Oh!
"Caravans? What do you mean?"
They've never heard of caravans?
PHONE RINGS
Oh! Hi. No, sorry, it was just
my stupid dad, yep.
PHONE RINGS
Sorry, babe, my stupid,
stupid dad just wanted to know.
Yeah, right... It's the girls!
Ooh, let me say hello to them.
Mum, get off.
Ah, please. God, Mum! Adam. No,
Adam. Adam!
Leave me alone! Aw, Adam!
I know. Sorry, Luce, she's mad.
Crazy. Get off! Just go away!
Right. But I want to speak to them.
Mum! Give me your phones!
Give me your phones!
Get off, you lunatic!
Get in there! In there!
Wait, no, boys! Just get in there.
Horrible!
She's insane!
It's not fair.
So do they like caravans?
Sorry, Luce, she's mad.
DOORBELL RINGS
I know, crazy.
Yeah, see you later.
Yep, anyway, bye.
Absolutely insane.
Absolutely insane.
Ugh.
Insane! Insane.
Thank you so much for that.
Yes, thanks, Mum.
Horrible boys.
Hello, all. Oh, yeah, Jim's here.
What are you bloody doing?
Um, I've been told by the water
people that I can go back home now.
Oh, right. Really?
There's still excrement everywhere,
but there's not quite so much
excrement everywhere as before.
Lovely. Ugh, what is that smell?
Close the window, will you?
HE SIGHS
Oh, and Martin, I noticed the loo
in your caravan was all blocked up,
so I...
DOG WHINES
Remain. So I, um...
..I managed to get
the waste unit out for you.
My God.
Ugh! Jim! Don't leave it there!
Thanks, Jim.
Maybe take that back outside again?
Yes, but slowly.
Yes, course, slowly,
cos it is rather full.
DOG BARKS
THEY SCREAM
Great! Now our house
is flooded with excrement.
My lovely dining room!
Oh, I think I'm going to be sick.
Oh, Martin, get a mop.
What?! I'm not walking through
that...! Sea of shit? Adam!
We'll have to go through the window.
The window? Come on.
Oh, my God.
No, no, Milson,
you've had your supper.
THEY WHIMPER
Hold me, Jackie. Never let go.
Yes, all right, Jim.
I-I really am so sorry for spilling
all that, well, you know.
Yes, Jim. All I can say
is that at least it's your own.
And a little bit of mine.
Bye, all!
HE GRUNTS
Thanks, Jim. So what do we do now?
Just go back in the house. Really?
OK, we're not going
back in the house.
HE CLEARS THROAT
£500?
I know it's Friday night,
but 500 quid
to come and clean up some mess?
Have you told them it's shit?
It's actual shit?
Just shut up. Uh, OK, two hours.
But please hurry.
SHE GROANS
Terrific.
Well, Martin, you've finally
got your dinner in your caravan.
Are you happy now? Yes. Very. Hm.
Actually, it's not so bad in here.
See?
Yeah, it's all right, really.
It was meant to be a celebration,
a family celebration.
It is a family celebration.
Is it? Dad? What? Your thing.
What thing?
Oh, yeah, Jackie, look,
I got this made especially for you.
"Martin and Jackie."
You got that made for me?
And if I just press
this little button...
Careful, Dad.
There.
Oh, Martin.
"Martin and Ackie."
Oh, shut up.
Bloody bulbs. Thanks, sweetheart.
SHE GIGGLES
Okey dokey,
anyone for a grotty butter sandwich,
over?
Er, piss off, over.
You silly sods.
Right, let's get this
bloody thing sorted. Uh...
THEY SCREAM
Stop!
CRASHING
Oh, my God!
SHE GASPS
My caravan. My beautiful caravan.
Just look at it, Jackie!
It's a wreck!
Oh, Dad.
Aw.
Martin, look.
SHE GASPS
We can get this thing fixed,
you know.
What? We can, we will.
We'll get it fixed, I promise.
Really? BOTH: Really?
SHE TUTS
Yes, darling.
Come on, let's wait in the car.
We'll order a pizza, yeah?
Pizza! Skill!
Yeah, come on, then. Pizza.
Jonny to Dad, over.
Roger, Jonny, go ahead.
Your caravan's on fire, over.
Shit on it, over.
# I change shapes
just to hide in this place
# But I'm still, I'm still an animal
# Nobody knows it but me when I slip
# Yeah, I slip, I'm still an animal
# I change shapes
just to hide in this place
# But I'm still, I'm still an animal