Friday Night Dinner (2011–…): Season 6, Episode 6 - The Females - full transcript
Adam and Jonny bring their girlfriends round for dinner. Cue an overexcited Mum and an extremely embarrassing Dad.
- Right, here we are.
- The House of Hell.
- Wish us luck, then.
- Yeah,
and we'll try not to
- get off with your dad.
- (NERVOUS LAUGH)
Um, actually, if you could just wait
here for a sec while we...
- Huh?
- We'll be really quick.
- What do you mean?
- We just need to nip in and...
I thought we were finally
meeting your parents tonight.
No, no, you are finally
meeting our parents tonight.
We just need to check on some stuff.
You mean threaten your mum and dad
with an axe if they embarrass you.
- (LAUGHS)
- What?!
That's so what they're doing.
- Er, Adam?
- I'll turn the radio on.
...Both women were found
shot in the head.
- Thanks.
- (LAUGHS)
Love you, babe!
- Rumbled.
- A million percent.
- Ready?
- Yep.
Candles?!
- Unbelievable!
- Unbelievable!
- (BLOWS)
- Flowers?!
Unbelievable!
- (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)
- Music?!
Unbelievable!
(BLOWS)
(MUTTERING)
- It's called soup.
- Agh!
What you doing, you buggers?
Why are you in a suit?
- We said no suit.
- Yeah!
Where's your females?
- (GROANS) "Females."
- And you better not
get their names wrong tonight.
Gloria and Elizabeth?
- What?
- No - Lucy -
they're both called Lucy!
- Are they?
- Yes!
Now listen. Don't tell your mother -
cos she's a bleeding stress ball
tonight -
- but this soup is...
- Are they here?
- Are they here?!
- Shit.
(JACKIE GIGGLES EXCITEDLY)
- Where's the lovely Lucys?
- It's OK, Mum, calm down.
- Oh, don't say you've been dumped.
- Huh?
I knew it - I knew they'd dump you!
Er, we haven't been dumped,
thank you!
- Well, where are they, then?
- They're in the car, but first...
The car?!
What are they doing in the car?!
And what happened to my candles,
and where are my flowers?
We said no candles
and no flowers, remember?
Just let the girls in, will you?
And we definitely said no suit for
Dad.
What? He looks nice.
He looks like an undertaker.
- Anus.
- Charming. We said casual.
I am casual - it's my casual suit.
- It's your funeral suit.
- Yes, for casual funerals.
Martin, just lose the bloody suit.
- God!
- (HORN TOOTS)
Is that them?
- Shit.
OK - last-minute rules.
- Rules?
- No embarrassing baby stories.
- Adam doing toilet on the stairs.
- Jonny biting Grandma's bosoms.
No kissing us on the head.
And absolutely no crying
or getting emotional.
So I should just be a machine,
then, should I?
Yes. A silent machine.
- Come on.
- And Dad!
- What?
- No talking about the economy,
or Britain's bloody waterways.
Which are criminally underused.
Exactly. No physics, dustbins...
ADAM: ...or how you once saw a man
kill a duck with a hammer.
Turkey with a brick.
- Maybe Dad should put his suit on
again. - Oh, pissing hell!
Make your bloody mind up.
Right!
Oh, my Bobbles -
both with girlfriends!!
- (KISSES)
- Mum...
- (KISSES)
- Mum!
Briefing over?
Really, they are such gorgeous
flowers. Thank you, Lucy,
and thank you...Lucy!
Pleasure.
But my Lucy's flowers are slightly
nicer than Adam's Lucy's flowers,
- aren't they, Mum?
- Jonny!
Pissface.
Don't be silly, Jonathan -
they are both gorgeous.
And so are the flowers!
- I like your mum already!
- Me too!
Come through.
Good evening, everyone.
Ahh - the family undertaker.
A pleasure to meet you both.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Martin, you're not the Prime
Minister.
- What? M Goodman.
- ALL: "M"?
Yes, M, you berks, for Martin.
(LAUGHS) As opposed to?
Martin with an F - "Fartin"!
(CHORTLES)
He's just turned seven.
Come through. I love these flowers!
Lads - soup.
- What?
- Huh?
- You all right?
- Hmm?
Do sit anywhere, sweeties.
- Thanks.
- Ooh, I'm loving the big photos!
- Oh, yeah.
- Really? The boys hate them.
We do.
JACKIE: Silly.
Ooh!
Er...you can sit on Adam, if you
like.
- Martin!
- Um, I'm OK, thanks.
- He's a strong lad.
- Dad!
Sorry - I didn't mean you were a big
lass.
Um, that's good to know.
Martin!
Yes, do keep talking.
Ooh - the champagne. Go on.
Jackie has made chicken soup
tonight.
Er, yes. Thank you.
And your waiter for this evening
is...
- (THEY LAUGH)
- But if you don't want any,
that's not a problem at all.
That's not a weird thing to say.
Are you feeling all right?
- Hmm?
- Well, I love chicken soup.
Oh, man, just give it to me
in a bucket!
A bucket!
- Actually, make that two buckets!
- And two straws!
Two straws! Oh, aren't they funny?!
BOYS: Yes, Mum.
Er, but if you do change your minds,
other items are provided.
That's not a much weirder thing to
say.
Just get the champagne,
- will you, weirdo?
- Oh, yeah.
Cos I was meant to get the champagne
when I was out buying the potatoes.
Yes, that's right.
You forgot the champagne, didn't
you?
I remembered the potatoes.
Oh, Martin!
Seriously?
One second.
Just talk to the girls, will you?
What? (SEXY VOICE)
Of course I'll talk to the girls.
Rowrr!
Please don't talk to the girls.
Right, lads - come on.
- Sorry?
- What?
- I need a word.
- Well, go on, then.
Well, not in here, you pillocks.
Not in front of the...
...females.
BOTH LUCYS: "Females"?
Oh, my God.
In my, you know...office.
- Urgh.
- Office means toilet.
Seriously, just get it over with.
- Get what over with?
- "Females", obviously.
No, it's not females. Now, listen.
If it's about wearing a sheath
again,
- well, I'm sorry, but...
- There's glass in the soup.
- What?
- There's what?!
Shh! I don't want your bloody mother
to know!
There's some glass in the soup,
all right?
- All right?!
- Glass in the soup?!
What are you talking about?
- Well, you know what glass is?
- BOTH: Yes.
- And you know what soup is?
- (GROANS)
Well, one of them is in the other.
- How? Why?!
- (SIGHS)
Your mum asked me to stir the soup.
Her first error.
And then I accidentally smashed the
bulb
in the extractor fan thing above the
pot and it sort of...
Exploded right into the soup?
Oh, you're such a bloody idiot!
- Shut up!
- Ow!
OK, so there's glass in the soup,
and you want us not to tell Mum,
despite the fact that if she drinks
any, she's going straight to
hospital?
Yeah - should I call the ambulance
now, or...?
She's not going to hospital,
stupid babies!
Just don't say a bloody word,
or she'll chop my sodding hands off.
- But Dad...
- And you better not tell your
birds.
- We're definitely telling our
birds. - What?!
Why?
Why?! So they don't end up
in intensive care!
Yeah. Next to Mum.
Nothing's going to happen -
I sieved most of the stuff.
Most of it.
Yeah! And I picked out the main
shards.
Oh, good, so the main shards
of glass are gone.
What about the less main
shards of glass?
Yeah, the ones that only pierce
the less main organs when swallowed,
you know - like the oesophagus,
- or the spleen.
- (THWACK)
- Dad!
- (KNOCKING)
JACKIE: What are you doing in there?
Hello, my sweet.
- What are you all doing? It's rude.
- Er...
...just having a, you know,
man-to-man chat.
Oh, I see.
Won't be long, love.
They're lovely girls!
And yet, only five minutes later,
she was tearing at her throat in
agony.
Berk. So don't say a bloody word,
OK?
It had to be tonight, didn't it?
Oh, stop fussing - a bit of glass
never did anyone any harm.
- Huh?
- What?
Just drink from the side of the
bowl, don't touch anything on the
bottom.
We have to eat glass.
(WHINES)
There we are.
Some chickieboo soup for you.
- And a nice big bucket for you!
- Ha!
Thanks.
Well, tuck in, everyone! Oh...
Silly me - I forgot my own spoon.
Or maybe I'll get myself a straw,
eh, girls?
- (NERVOUS LAUGHTER)
- I'm sorry,
but glass? You've got to tell your
mum.
- Luce.
- Obviously you have to tell her.
(SIGHS) I know - but it doesn't
really work like that
in this house, does it, Jonny?
No, it doesn't. Does it, Dad?
Mmm?
And you're going to drink that, are
you?
What do you think I'm going to do
with it? Funnel it up my bum?
Look, just drink from the side
of the bowl, and you should be fine.
So we're just going to sit here
and watch your mum choke to death,
are we?
It is sort of the easiest option.
Sorry, everyone.
How's the soup?
- Lovely.
- It's really nice.
Aww, thanks.
So...
Er...the school I work in
has just had a swimming pool put in.
Oh! Um, has it?
Yeah. Ha!
Erm, but, erm...
I wish our office had a swimming
pool!
Oh, do you?
And is it a nice big office, then?
Um, well, it's just two of us,
really, but still, a pool would be
nice.
Oh, God, yeah,
- a pool!
- (DOORBELL)
I'll get it.
And please - someone eat something!
(LAUGHS)
Oh, my God - "a new swimming pool"?
And you're having more?!
Glass-Eater of the Year.
Shut your gobs!
Right, well, if you don't say
anything, we bloody will.
Yeah! God - all right!
Gitfaces.
Erm, I'm really sorry, everyone,
but...
Hello, all!
- Oh, no...
- Hello, Jim.
Er, this is Jim. Our neighbour.
- Friend.
- Neighbour.
Neighbour and friend.
- (MILSON WHINES)
- Er...?
Boys, your mother told me
you'd both brought girls round
- for dinner.
- Er, yes.
And are those the girls?
- I think so.
- Yes, Jim, those are the girls.
Hello, girls.
- BOTH: Hi.
- I'm Lucy.
I'm... I'm also Lucy.
So you're...one person...
...in two bodies?
- What?!
- Er, well, goodnight, Jim.
Oh, yes.
Oh, just to let you know,
Milson's been sick.
Right, well, thanks for letting us
know.
All over your drive.
Wonderful.
- Here, Jackie.
- Mmm.
A nice big bag of dog sick.
Maybe just put that in your bin
when you get home?
Yes, of course, Jackie. In my bin.
Bye, all!
Yes, goodbye...
...the Lucy.
- Erm, he seemed nice.
- He's not.
So, you are gonna tell her, aren't
you?
Oh, shut your face!
Oh, I do apologise.
Maybe we can all
get back to our meal, then, eh?
Argh!
Are you all right, Martin?
Oh, I suddenly feel all...dizzy.
JACKIE: Martin?
Er, what are you doing?!
So terribly dizzy.
Er...
Oh, my God. Why did you do that?
- Huh?
- You just poured all my soup away!
Did I? I don't remember.
OK, just give me your soup, will
you, and stop mucking about.
- (MARTIN GROANS)
- Martin!
I am sorry, girls.
Ha! That's OK...
Well, come on, then.
Ohh, dizzy again.
Oh, my God.
- Arghhh!
- (JACKIE SQUEALS)
- God!
- Dad!
Jesus!
- Martin!
- Burning! Burning!
(SQUEALS)
That's better.
What the hell is wrong with you?
What? I told you,
I just suddenly felt all...
OK. Are you trying to show off?
Is that it?
Are you trying to impress the girls?
The young girls?
- Impress the young girls?!
- Cos I've got news for you,
Martin Goodman -
they're your sons' girlfriends!
Jackie, you make it sound as if
I'm having intercourse with them!
Er...
- Sorry.
- Oh, hi. Thanks.
Just put them over there.
- (GASPS) The girls left everything.
- Well...
...maybe they're just not that mad
on chicken soup.
Martin, they said they wanted
to drink it out of a bloody bucket!
Oh, God! They hate my food.
Course they don't hate your food.
- They do! I've ruined everything.
- Jackie...
They're gonna dump them,
Martin, I know it.
- They're going to dump the boys!
- Er...
Oh!
- Er...
- Probably best
if we stop coming in and out
of the kitchen.
Just wait in the bleeding dining
room, will you?!
How kind.
Come on, Jackie. In a couple of
minutes, we'll all be tucking in
- to your delicious roast chicken.
- Which they'll hate.
They won't hate your chicken!
Oh, come here.
I know it sounds silly, Martin,
but it's a big night for me.
I know, love, I know.
A very big night.
Oh, Martin.
(KNOCKING)
- Eh?
- Who the hell's that?
Sick again, Jackie!
Here we are.
Ah, yes, the chicken -
which is without glass?
- (THWACK)
- Ow!
Right.
Chickieboo for you.
Thanks, Mum.
And chickieboo for you.
Chickieboo!
Chickiebooboo!
(ALL LAUGH)
Girls, Jackie's made a fabulous
roast chicken tonight,
and we both hope that you enjoy
the taste.
- Er... thanks.
- Thanks.
Please put your crack pipe away.
- Er, Jonny and I are going away
tomorrow. - Are you?
Yeah, Lucy's taking me to Brighton
for the weekend. Isn't that cool?
Aww, isn't that nice of her?
And so modern!
Well, it is the 19th century!
Are you going to take Adam away
for the weekend?
Dad!
A dirty weekend?!
(CHORTLES)
God! (SIGHS)
Ignore him, love.
(TUTS)
- Er...nice chicken?
- God, it's good.
- Oh, it's so nice.
- See, Jackie?
The girls don't hate your food.
So, what are you two up to
this weekend, then?
Um, well, we thought
we might just kinda do a lazy
pub lunch thing, you know?
Ooh, I love a pub lunch!
I'm sure it won't be as nice as
this, though, Jackie.
- (JONNY MOUTHS)
- JACKIE: Thank you, sweetie!
(MOUTHS)
Everything all right?
Mmm?
What are you looking at in there?
Girls, I think he's found those
nails I added earlier!
(JACKIE LAUGHS)
What?
What?!
(SIGHS)
- There's glass in the chicken!
- The food's got glass in it.
- Huh?
- You bloody sods!
- Dad!
- Dad!
Martin, oh, my God!
- (THWACK)
- Ow!
There's glass in the food?
- Um...
- Er...
Don't you dare!
Sorry, Dad. Dad got glass
in the chicken.
- Glass in the chicken.
- You shitheads!
- And also in...
- And also in the soup.
You shitting shitheads!
So there was glass in the food,
and you didn't tell me?
Well, they didn't tell you,
did they?
- (OTHERS GASP)
- Oh, my God!
That is so low!
I can't believe it! My entire dinner
had bloody glass in it!
Not the bread.
The bread didn't have glass in it.
- (THWACK)
Ow!
Do you know how long
I sweated over this bloody meal?
- Mum...
- And do you know
how long I've waited for this night?
(SNIFFS) For my boys to bring
home...
...their lovely girls?
(SOBS)
Great.
Thanks a lot, arse-brains.
Jackie!
Jackie!
And that's our mum and dad.
- (SNIFFS)
- Here we are.
One extra-large gin and tonic.
Aw, thank you, darlings.
- That's all right.
- Seriously,
you can have it in a bucket
if you like.
Sorry, again, love.
Did you say something, Martin?
So...what are we going to have for
dinner, then?
- I could make something.
- Oh, sure.
Yeah, I think we've all swallowed
enough glass tonight, thank you.
There's crumble.
We can't just eat crumble.
We can just eat crumble.
Everyone loves crumble.
I could eat crumble out of a
bloody... ...cement-mixer!
Make that two bloody cement-mixers!
With two bloody spades!
You're lovely girls.
- Right, then, crumble for dinner!
- Yay!
Crimble crumble!
Crimble crumble! Aww.
Come on, girls.
Lovely Lucys.
OK - is there any glass in the
crumble?
Piss off!
Da-da!
- Crimble crumble!
- Crimble crumble!
What fun, eh, girls?
Oh, yeah.
Actually, Martin, why don't you,
you know, say a few words?
A few words?
Go on, say something nice.
Um...OK, love.
And stand by.
(CLEARS HIS THROAT)
- Hear ye! Hear ye!
- (GLASS SMASHES)
(ALL GASP)
- Oh, dear.
- Dad!
- Oh, my God!
- You idiot!
I can't believe it! You just got
bloody glass in my crumble!
Jackie, it was an accident.
You've got glass in everything
tonight! Everything!
Calm down, Jackie.
Don't tell me to effing calm down!
Mum! Right, just get out, will you?
- What? Really?
- You heard me!
You've ruined the whole bloody
night! Just get...
I'm pregnant!
I'm gonna have a baby.
Shi-i-i-it!
I'm sorry?
She's... We're...
Lucy's having a baby.
You mean...
...I'm going to be a grandma?
Well, that's sort of how it works.
Oh, my God!
Oh, Bobble!
- And sweetie-pie!
- Aw, thank you, Jackie!
Oh, that's wonderful!
Yeah, nice one, Pusface.
- Cheers.
- Yeah, I hated having babies.
Er...?
You basically spend the whole time
up to your neck in excrement.
- Thank you.
- Um...
..I'm also pregnant.
(NERVOUS LAUGH)
- What?
- What?!
I'm...pregnant as well.
- She's up the duff too?
- Shh!
Shi-i-i-it.
You're pregnant? What do you mean
you're pregnant?
Why didn't you tell me?
I was going to tell you
when we were away,
and make it all special,
but then this happened...
..and...
Well, aren't you happy?
He certainly looks happy.
Babe!
Of course I'm happy!
It's incredible! Oh, my God!
I can't bloody believe it!
Aww! Lovely Lucy!
And lovely Jonnyboo!
Well done, bambinos!
Just to say, I am definitely going
to faint at some point this evening!
Wow.
Wow.
We're going to be dads.
I know.
Terrible dads.
Obviously terrible dads.
I guess we'll have to...
What?
Grow up.
I know.
You'll still put salt in my water,
though, right?
Oh, yeah -
salt, washing-up liquid, acid.
Cool.
'Scuse me.
What do you think, eh, Dad?
Well, you won't be needing sheaths
for the next couple of months,
will you?
- (GROANS)
- Thank you!
Grotty, isn't he?
Absolutely disgusting.
My boys!
- Please...
- Oh, my Bobbles!
Mum!
Oh, I am so happy!
I am so bloody happy!
Mum!
Go on, go and see your girls.
Oh, and if you ever do have a
wedding, don't let your dad do the
catering!
(LAUGHS)
- You all right over there?
- Yeah.
- Got some rotting egg on my...
- I really don't want to
know right now.
Course. Sorry.
We're going to be grandparents,
Martin.
I know. I can't believe it.
Do you remember
when the boys were little?
What, little shitting machines?
You're really not spoiling
the moment, Martin.
Sorry, love.
It's wonderful, really, isn't it?
Yeah.
It's just lovely.
Yes!
You've done it, Jackie!
Grandchildren!
You've done it!
- Hello, Jackie!
- Oh, Jim!
Jim, we've just had
- the most amazing news!
- So have I, Jackie.
Milson's just had babies!
(PUPPIES SQUEAK)
I just had no idea that Milson
was pregnant.
Maybe that's why she kept vomiting
all over the place.
- All over our place.
- And to think,
I now have not just one dog,
but a whole box full of dogs.
Come on...baby Milsons.
Aww.
Do you know what? I fancy a boogie.
Girls - a boogie?
- Oh, yeah! Always love a boogie!
- I'll have a boogie!
I'm definitely not having a boogie.
- No way!
- What's a boogie?
- (DANCE MUSIC)
- Oh, that's a boogie.
Come on, Martin!
- Oh!
- Horrible, isn't it?
It's like the start of
some terrifying sex party.
It's all good though, innit,
Pusface?
Yeah, Pissface.
It's all good.
Come on.
(ALL CHEER)
Turn it up, Martin, turn it up!
(SONG CHANGES TO SHOW'S THEME MUSIC)
Oh, Martin!
Dad!
Shit on it.
- The House of Hell.
- Wish us luck, then.
- Yeah,
and we'll try not to
- get off with your dad.
- (NERVOUS LAUGH)
Um, actually, if you could just wait
here for a sec while we...
- Huh?
- We'll be really quick.
- What do you mean?
- We just need to nip in and...
I thought we were finally
meeting your parents tonight.
No, no, you are finally
meeting our parents tonight.
We just need to check on some stuff.
You mean threaten your mum and dad
with an axe if they embarrass you.
- (LAUGHS)
- What?!
That's so what they're doing.
- Er, Adam?
- I'll turn the radio on.
...Both women were found
shot in the head.
- Thanks.
- (LAUGHS)
Love you, babe!
- Rumbled.
- A million percent.
- Ready?
- Yep.
Candles?!
- Unbelievable!
- Unbelievable!
- (BLOWS)
- Flowers?!
Unbelievable!
- (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)
- Music?!
Unbelievable!
(BLOWS)
(MUTTERING)
- It's called soup.
- Agh!
What you doing, you buggers?
Why are you in a suit?
- We said no suit.
- Yeah!
Where's your females?
- (GROANS) "Females."
- And you better not
get their names wrong tonight.
Gloria and Elizabeth?
- What?
- No - Lucy -
they're both called Lucy!
- Are they?
- Yes!
Now listen. Don't tell your mother -
cos she's a bleeding stress ball
tonight -
- but this soup is...
- Are they here?
- Are they here?!
- Shit.
(JACKIE GIGGLES EXCITEDLY)
- Where's the lovely Lucys?
- It's OK, Mum, calm down.
- Oh, don't say you've been dumped.
- Huh?
I knew it - I knew they'd dump you!
Er, we haven't been dumped,
thank you!
- Well, where are they, then?
- They're in the car, but first...
The car?!
What are they doing in the car?!
And what happened to my candles,
and where are my flowers?
We said no candles
and no flowers, remember?
Just let the girls in, will you?
And we definitely said no suit for
Dad.
What? He looks nice.
He looks like an undertaker.
- Anus.
- Charming. We said casual.
I am casual - it's my casual suit.
- It's your funeral suit.
- Yes, for casual funerals.
Martin, just lose the bloody suit.
- God!
- (HORN TOOTS)
Is that them?
- Shit.
OK - last-minute rules.
- Rules?
- No embarrassing baby stories.
- Adam doing toilet on the stairs.
- Jonny biting Grandma's bosoms.
No kissing us on the head.
And absolutely no crying
or getting emotional.
So I should just be a machine,
then, should I?
Yes. A silent machine.
- Come on.
- And Dad!
- What?
- No talking about the economy,
or Britain's bloody waterways.
Which are criminally underused.
Exactly. No physics, dustbins...
ADAM: ...or how you once saw a man
kill a duck with a hammer.
Turkey with a brick.
- Maybe Dad should put his suit on
again. - Oh, pissing hell!
Make your bloody mind up.
Right!
Oh, my Bobbles -
both with girlfriends!!
- (KISSES)
- Mum...
- (KISSES)
- Mum!
Briefing over?
Really, they are such gorgeous
flowers. Thank you, Lucy,
and thank you...Lucy!
Pleasure.
But my Lucy's flowers are slightly
nicer than Adam's Lucy's flowers,
- aren't they, Mum?
- Jonny!
Pissface.
Don't be silly, Jonathan -
they are both gorgeous.
And so are the flowers!
- I like your mum already!
- Me too!
Come through.
Good evening, everyone.
Ahh - the family undertaker.
A pleasure to meet you both.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Martin, you're not the Prime
Minister.
- What? M Goodman.
- ALL: "M"?
Yes, M, you berks, for Martin.
(LAUGHS) As opposed to?
Martin with an F - "Fartin"!
(CHORTLES)
He's just turned seven.
Come through. I love these flowers!
Lads - soup.
- What?
- Huh?
- You all right?
- Hmm?
Do sit anywhere, sweeties.
- Thanks.
- Ooh, I'm loving the big photos!
- Oh, yeah.
- Really? The boys hate them.
We do.
JACKIE: Silly.
Ooh!
Er...you can sit on Adam, if you
like.
- Martin!
- Um, I'm OK, thanks.
- He's a strong lad.
- Dad!
Sorry - I didn't mean you were a big
lass.
Um, that's good to know.
Martin!
Yes, do keep talking.
Ooh - the champagne. Go on.
Jackie has made chicken soup
tonight.
Er, yes. Thank you.
And your waiter for this evening
is...
- (THEY LAUGH)
- But if you don't want any,
that's not a problem at all.
That's not a weird thing to say.
Are you feeling all right?
- Hmm?
- Well, I love chicken soup.
Oh, man, just give it to me
in a bucket!
A bucket!
- Actually, make that two buckets!
- And two straws!
Two straws! Oh, aren't they funny?!
BOYS: Yes, Mum.
Er, but if you do change your minds,
other items are provided.
That's not a much weirder thing to
say.
Just get the champagne,
- will you, weirdo?
- Oh, yeah.
Cos I was meant to get the champagne
when I was out buying the potatoes.
Yes, that's right.
You forgot the champagne, didn't
you?
I remembered the potatoes.
Oh, Martin!
Seriously?
One second.
Just talk to the girls, will you?
What? (SEXY VOICE)
Of course I'll talk to the girls.
Rowrr!
Please don't talk to the girls.
Right, lads - come on.
- Sorry?
- What?
- I need a word.
- Well, go on, then.
Well, not in here, you pillocks.
Not in front of the...
...females.
BOTH LUCYS: "Females"?
Oh, my God.
In my, you know...office.
- Urgh.
- Office means toilet.
Seriously, just get it over with.
- Get what over with?
- "Females", obviously.
No, it's not females. Now, listen.
If it's about wearing a sheath
again,
- well, I'm sorry, but...
- There's glass in the soup.
- What?
- There's what?!
Shh! I don't want your bloody mother
to know!
There's some glass in the soup,
all right?
- All right?!
- Glass in the soup?!
What are you talking about?
- Well, you know what glass is?
- BOTH: Yes.
- And you know what soup is?
- (GROANS)
Well, one of them is in the other.
- How? Why?!
- (SIGHS)
Your mum asked me to stir the soup.
Her first error.
And then I accidentally smashed the
bulb
in the extractor fan thing above the
pot and it sort of...
Exploded right into the soup?
Oh, you're such a bloody idiot!
- Shut up!
- Ow!
OK, so there's glass in the soup,
and you want us not to tell Mum,
despite the fact that if she drinks
any, she's going straight to
hospital?
Yeah - should I call the ambulance
now, or...?
She's not going to hospital,
stupid babies!
Just don't say a bloody word,
or she'll chop my sodding hands off.
- But Dad...
- And you better not tell your
birds.
- We're definitely telling our
birds. - What?!
Why?
Why?! So they don't end up
in intensive care!
Yeah. Next to Mum.
Nothing's going to happen -
I sieved most of the stuff.
Most of it.
Yeah! And I picked out the main
shards.
Oh, good, so the main shards
of glass are gone.
What about the less main
shards of glass?
Yeah, the ones that only pierce
the less main organs when swallowed,
you know - like the oesophagus,
- or the spleen.
- (THWACK)
- Dad!
- (KNOCKING)
JACKIE: What are you doing in there?
Hello, my sweet.
- What are you all doing? It's rude.
- Er...
...just having a, you know,
man-to-man chat.
Oh, I see.
Won't be long, love.
They're lovely girls!
And yet, only five minutes later,
she was tearing at her throat in
agony.
Berk. So don't say a bloody word,
OK?
It had to be tonight, didn't it?
Oh, stop fussing - a bit of glass
never did anyone any harm.
- Huh?
- What?
Just drink from the side of the
bowl, don't touch anything on the
bottom.
We have to eat glass.
(WHINES)
There we are.
Some chickieboo soup for you.
- And a nice big bucket for you!
- Ha!
Thanks.
Well, tuck in, everyone! Oh...
Silly me - I forgot my own spoon.
Or maybe I'll get myself a straw,
eh, girls?
- (NERVOUS LAUGHTER)
- I'm sorry,
but glass? You've got to tell your
mum.
- Luce.
- Obviously you have to tell her.
(SIGHS) I know - but it doesn't
really work like that
in this house, does it, Jonny?
No, it doesn't. Does it, Dad?
Mmm?
And you're going to drink that, are
you?
What do you think I'm going to do
with it? Funnel it up my bum?
Look, just drink from the side
of the bowl, and you should be fine.
So we're just going to sit here
and watch your mum choke to death,
are we?
It is sort of the easiest option.
Sorry, everyone.
How's the soup?
- Lovely.
- It's really nice.
Aww, thanks.
So...
Er...the school I work in
has just had a swimming pool put in.
Oh! Um, has it?
Yeah. Ha!
Erm, but, erm...
I wish our office had a swimming
pool!
Oh, do you?
And is it a nice big office, then?
Um, well, it's just two of us,
really, but still, a pool would be
nice.
Oh, God, yeah,
- a pool!
- (DOORBELL)
I'll get it.
And please - someone eat something!
(LAUGHS)
Oh, my God - "a new swimming pool"?
And you're having more?!
Glass-Eater of the Year.
Shut your gobs!
Right, well, if you don't say
anything, we bloody will.
Yeah! God - all right!
Gitfaces.
Erm, I'm really sorry, everyone,
but...
Hello, all!
- Oh, no...
- Hello, Jim.
Er, this is Jim. Our neighbour.
- Friend.
- Neighbour.
Neighbour and friend.
- (MILSON WHINES)
- Er...?
Boys, your mother told me
you'd both brought girls round
- for dinner.
- Er, yes.
And are those the girls?
- I think so.
- Yes, Jim, those are the girls.
Hello, girls.
- BOTH: Hi.
- I'm Lucy.
I'm... I'm also Lucy.
So you're...one person...
...in two bodies?
- What?!
- Er, well, goodnight, Jim.
Oh, yes.
Oh, just to let you know,
Milson's been sick.
Right, well, thanks for letting us
know.
All over your drive.
Wonderful.
- Here, Jackie.
- Mmm.
A nice big bag of dog sick.
Maybe just put that in your bin
when you get home?
Yes, of course, Jackie. In my bin.
Bye, all!
Yes, goodbye...
...the Lucy.
- Erm, he seemed nice.
- He's not.
So, you are gonna tell her, aren't
you?
Oh, shut your face!
Oh, I do apologise.
Maybe we can all
get back to our meal, then, eh?
Argh!
Are you all right, Martin?
Oh, I suddenly feel all...dizzy.
JACKIE: Martin?
Er, what are you doing?!
So terribly dizzy.
Er...
Oh, my God. Why did you do that?
- Huh?
- You just poured all my soup away!
Did I? I don't remember.
OK, just give me your soup, will
you, and stop mucking about.
- (MARTIN GROANS)
- Martin!
I am sorry, girls.
Ha! That's OK...
Well, come on, then.
Ohh, dizzy again.
Oh, my God.
- Arghhh!
- (JACKIE SQUEALS)
- God!
- Dad!
Jesus!
- Martin!
- Burning! Burning!
(SQUEALS)
That's better.
What the hell is wrong with you?
What? I told you,
I just suddenly felt all...
OK. Are you trying to show off?
Is that it?
Are you trying to impress the girls?
The young girls?
- Impress the young girls?!
- Cos I've got news for you,
Martin Goodman -
they're your sons' girlfriends!
Jackie, you make it sound as if
I'm having intercourse with them!
Er...
- Sorry.
- Oh, hi. Thanks.
Just put them over there.
- (GASPS) The girls left everything.
- Well...
...maybe they're just not that mad
on chicken soup.
Martin, they said they wanted
to drink it out of a bloody bucket!
Oh, God! They hate my food.
Course they don't hate your food.
- They do! I've ruined everything.
- Jackie...
They're gonna dump them,
Martin, I know it.
- They're going to dump the boys!
- Er...
Oh!
- Er...
- Probably best
if we stop coming in and out
of the kitchen.
Just wait in the bleeding dining
room, will you?!
How kind.
Come on, Jackie. In a couple of
minutes, we'll all be tucking in
- to your delicious roast chicken.
- Which they'll hate.
They won't hate your chicken!
Oh, come here.
I know it sounds silly, Martin,
but it's a big night for me.
I know, love, I know.
A very big night.
Oh, Martin.
(KNOCKING)
- Eh?
- Who the hell's that?
Sick again, Jackie!
Here we are.
Ah, yes, the chicken -
which is without glass?
- (THWACK)
- Ow!
Right.
Chickieboo for you.
Thanks, Mum.
And chickieboo for you.
Chickieboo!
Chickiebooboo!
(ALL LAUGH)
Girls, Jackie's made a fabulous
roast chicken tonight,
and we both hope that you enjoy
the taste.
- Er... thanks.
- Thanks.
Please put your crack pipe away.
- Er, Jonny and I are going away
tomorrow. - Are you?
Yeah, Lucy's taking me to Brighton
for the weekend. Isn't that cool?
Aww, isn't that nice of her?
And so modern!
Well, it is the 19th century!
Are you going to take Adam away
for the weekend?
Dad!
A dirty weekend?!
(CHORTLES)
God! (SIGHS)
Ignore him, love.
(TUTS)
- Er...nice chicken?
- God, it's good.
- Oh, it's so nice.
- See, Jackie?
The girls don't hate your food.
So, what are you two up to
this weekend, then?
Um, well, we thought
we might just kinda do a lazy
pub lunch thing, you know?
Ooh, I love a pub lunch!
I'm sure it won't be as nice as
this, though, Jackie.
- (JONNY MOUTHS)
- JACKIE: Thank you, sweetie!
(MOUTHS)
Everything all right?
Mmm?
What are you looking at in there?
Girls, I think he's found those
nails I added earlier!
(JACKIE LAUGHS)
What?
What?!
(SIGHS)
- There's glass in the chicken!
- The food's got glass in it.
- Huh?
- You bloody sods!
- Dad!
- Dad!
Martin, oh, my God!
- (THWACK)
- Ow!
There's glass in the food?
- Um...
- Er...
Don't you dare!
Sorry, Dad. Dad got glass
in the chicken.
- Glass in the chicken.
- You shitheads!
- And also in...
- And also in the soup.
You shitting shitheads!
So there was glass in the food,
and you didn't tell me?
Well, they didn't tell you,
did they?
- (OTHERS GASP)
- Oh, my God!
That is so low!
I can't believe it! My entire dinner
had bloody glass in it!
Not the bread.
The bread didn't have glass in it.
- (THWACK)
Ow!
Do you know how long
I sweated over this bloody meal?
- Mum...
- And do you know
how long I've waited for this night?
(SNIFFS) For my boys to bring
home...
...their lovely girls?
(SOBS)
Great.
Thanks a lot, arse-brains.
Jackie!
Jackie!
And that's our mum and dad.
- (SNIFFS)
- Here we are.
One extra-large gin and tonic.
Aw, thank you, darlings.
- That's all right.
- Seriously,
you can have it in a bucket
if you like.
Sorry, again, love.
Did you say something, Martin?
So...what are we going to have for
dinner, then?
- I could make something.
- Oh, sure.
Yeah, I think we've all swallowed
enough glass tonight, thank you.
There's crumble.
We can't just eat crumble.
We can just eat crumble.
Everyone loves crumble.
I could eat crumble out of a
bloody... ...cement-mixer!
Make that two bloody cement-mixers!
With two bloody spades!
You're lovely girls.
- Right, then, crumble for dinner!
- Yay!
Crimble crumble!
Crimble crumble! Aww.
Come on, girls.
Lovely Lucys.
OK - is there any glass in the
crumble?
Piss off!
Da-da!
- Crimble crumble!
- Crimble crumble!
What fun, eh, girls?
Oh, yeah.
Actually, Martin, why don't you,
you know, say a few words?
A few words?
Go on, say something nice.
Um...OK, love.
And stand by.
(CLEARS HIS THROAT)
- Hear ye! Hear ye!
- (GLASS SMASHES)
(ALL GASP)
- Oh, dear.
- Dad!
- Oh, my God!
- You idiot!
I can't believe it! You just got
bloody glass in my crumble!
Jackie, it was an accident.
You've got glass in everything
tonight! Everything!
Calm down, Jackie.
Don't tell me to effing calm down!
Mum! Right, just get out, will you?
- What? Really?
- You heard me!
You've ruined the whole bloody
night! Just get...
I'm pregnant!
I'm gonna have a baby.
Shi-i-i-it!
I'm sorry?
She's... We're...
Lucy's having a baby.
You mean...
...I'm going to be a grandma?
Well, that's sort of how it works.
Oh, my God!
Oh, Bobble!
- And sweetie-pie!
- Aw, thank you, Jackie!
Oh, that's wonderful!
Yeah, nice one, Pusface.
- Cheers.
- Yeah, I hated having babies.
Er...?
You basically spend the whole time
up to your neck in excrement.
- Thank you.
- Um...
..I'm also pregnant.
(NERVOUS LAUGH)
- What?
- What?!
I'm...pregnant as well.
- She's up the duff too?
- Shh!
Shi-i-i-it.
You're pregnant? What do you mean
you're pregnant?
Why didn't you tell me?
I was going to tell you
when we were away,
and make it all special,
but then this happened...
..and...
Well, aren't you happy?
He certainly looks happy.
Babe!
Of course I'm happy!
It's incredible! Oh, my God!
I can't bloody believe it!
Aww! Lovely Lucy!
And lovely Jonnyboo!
Well done, bambinos!
Just to say, I am definitely going
to faint at some point this evening!
Wow.
Wow.
We're going to be dads.
I know.
Terrible dads.
Obviously terrible dads.
I guess we'll have to...
What?
Grow up.
I know.
You'll still put salt in my water,
though, right?
Oh, yeah -
salt, washing-up liquid, acid.
Cool.
'Scuse me.
What do you think, eh, Dad?
Well, you won't be needing sheaths
for the next couple of months,
will you?
- (GROANS)
- Thank you!
Grotty, isn't he?
Absolutely disgusting.
My boys!
- Please...
- Oh, my Bobbles!
Mum!
Oh, I am so happy!
I am so bloody happy!
Mum!
Go on, go and see your girls.
Oh, and if you ever do have a
wedding, don't let your dad do the
catering!
(LAUGHS)
- You all right over there?
- Yeah.
- Got some rotting egg on my...
- I really don't want to
know right now.
Course. Sorry.
We're going to be grandparents,
Martin.
I know. I can't believe it.
Do you remember
when the boys were little?
What, little shitting machines?
You're really not spoiling
the moment, Martin.
Sorry, love.
It's wonderful, really, isn't it?
Yeah.
It's just lovely.
Yes!
You've done it, Jackie!
Grandchildren!
You've done it!
- Hello, Jackie!
- Oh, Jim!
Jim, we've just had
- the most amazing news!
- So have I, Jackie.
Milson's just had babies!
(PUPPIES SQUEAK)
I just had no idea that Milson
was pregnant.
Maybe that's why she kept vomiting
all over the place.
- All over our place.
- And to think,
I now have not just one dog,
but a whole box full of dogs.
Come on...baby Milsons.
Aww.
Do you know what? I fancy a boogie.
Girls - a boogie?
- Oh, yeah! Always love a boogie!
- I'll have a boogie!
I'm definitely not having a boogie.
- No way!
- What's a boogie?
- (DANCE MUSIC)
- Oh, that's a boogie.
Come on, Martin!
- Oh!
- Horrible, isn't it?
It's like the start of
some terrifying sex party.
It's all good though, innit,
Pusface?
Yeah, Pissface.
It's all good.
Come on.
(ALL CHEER)
Turn it up, Martin, turn it up!
(SONG CHANGES TO SHOW'S THEME MUSIC)
Oh, Martin!
Dad!
Shit on it.