Fresh Off the Boat (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

After the Huangs move to the suburbs in Orlando, Florida, they discover life is a lot different than in the Chinatown area of Washington, D.C.

♪ To the beat, ch'all ♪

♪ Ah, yeah ♪

♪ Cruel to the rules of the world ♪

♪ Live my life raw
'cause I never liked the law ♪

♪ Wear top tens, on my ass use jeans ♪

♪ Sellin' big eights and
tit-for-tat to the fiends ♪

♪ Clock much dollars,
but I never break a sweat ♪

♪ Time to move out,
my posse sayin' bet ♪

♪ If I was the president,
then I would state facts ♪

♪ You leave it up to me,
I'll paint the White House black ♪

♪ It ain't no future in your frontin' ♪


♪ There ain't no future in your frontin'

♪ To the beat, ch'all ♪

Eddie: Mom, check it.
Fresh as hell, right?

Eddie, don't say "hell."

He also said "butthole" in the car.

Shut up, Evan, you little Chinese narc!

- Isn't that necklace heavy?
- Life's heavy, son.

Please, mom, can I get this?

How much?

Too much.

Moms thought everything was too much.

She never understood that you
couldn't haggle at jcpenney.

It's like, "those are set prices, mom."

[Intro to "Big Poppa" plays]

That's me,
your boy Eddie Huang in the headphones.

My family was moving from Washington, D.C.,

to Orlando, Florida.

I was 11 years old, and it was 1995.

This is the story of my family,
an American family, the Huangs.

That's my dad.

He loved everything about America.

Full-on bought into the American dream.

Moms was always hard on me

way before all that "tiger mom" stuff.

She thought I was trying to cause trouble

wearing that nas shirt,
but she didn't understand.

If you were an outsider,
hip-hop was your anthem.

And I was definitely the
black sheep in my family.

These other people are Emery,
Evan, and grandma. Whatever.

Was I excited about the move? No.

Did anyone ask me if I was excited?

Hell, no.

But it's hard getting
respect when you're 11.

♪ I love it when you
call me Big Poppa ♪

♪ Throw your hands in the... ♪

♪ I saw the sign ♪

♪ And it opened up my eyes,
I saw the sign ♪

Ugh, dad!
Turn off the music!

♪ Without understanding ♪
[Volume decreases]

I know you're not excited to leave D.C.,

but you're gonna love Orlando.

I've been there for six months
setting up the restaurant,

and I've grown to love it

like the daughter we wished Evan had been.

Hmm? I don't know why we have to move.

Why couldn't you keep
on going back and forth

between Orlando and D.C.?

Because I didn't come to America

to work for your mom's brother

selling furniture for the rest of my life.

Your father is right.

This is why we left Chinatown in D.C.

This is why we left our family and friends.


This is why we left everything we know

to come to a place where we know nothing

and where the humidity
is not good for my hair.

- Right, okay.
- And for what?

So your father can own a cowboy restaurant.

It's called Cattleman's Ranch Steakhouse,

and I can't wait for you all to see it.

It is beautiful.

It is big, brown, and beautiful.

- Like Shaq?
- Exactly like Shaq.

Why you like Shaq so much?

Why you not like Pete Sampras?

So sexy. All that hair.

He's okay.

Oh, your favorite song.

[Volume increases]

♪ Let's really show it, darling ♪

♪ Let's give them
something to talk about ♪

♪ Something to talk about ♪

♪ A little mystery to figure out ♪

♪ Something to ♪

♪ Shimmy shimmy ya,
shimmy yam, shimmy yay ♪

♪ Give me the Mike so
I can take it away ♪

♪ Off on a natural charge, bon voyage ♪

Eddie: Lot of white folks here.

Emery: Not like back in D.C.


The only white people we ever saw there

were the tourists who got lost.

[Enunciating] White. House.

Hey, you boys just gonna sit there

or pick up a box and help?

Mom, is there a Chinatown in Orlando?

Hey, no more question, Barbara Walters.

Pick up a lamp.

Well, hi. Welcome to the neighborhood.

I'm Deidre. This is Amanda.
This is Samantha.

This is Lisa. This is Carol-Joan.

- Welcome.
- Thank you.

- I'm Jessica.
- Oh.

I was expecting something
a little more exotic,

but I love the name Jessica.

Had a sorority sister with that name.

She died in a horrible riptide accident,

but we dedicated a section
of the highway to her.

Anyway, where you guys from?

My parents were born in Taiwan,

but my brothers and I were born in D.C.

Oh! Your English is very good!


Are you all sister?


Anyhoo, well, we've got to motor,

but we go rollerblading every day,

so if you ever want to join us,
just give us a holler.

[Women giggle]

Come on.

The loudest one seem to be their queen.

[Door closes, Louis claps]

So, who's hungry?

The cactuses were planted in old spittoons.

I wanted it to be authentic,
you know, like the real wild west.

The waiters used to wear spurs,

but they were right at achilles level,

so we had to switch to the black reeboks.

Right, Nancy?

I got sliced up pretty bad.


She did. [Chuckles]

Dude, where the hell are we?

I don't think Shaq eats here.

Were there bears in the old west?

Ni ta i ma nle.

Where are all the customer?

we are still in our soft opening, so...

Louis, there is hardly anyone here,

and that table is only drinking water.

Hey, why you not drink beer?!

The restaurant is doing well, okay?

Just not as well as it could be.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because I didn't want to
give you another reason

not to move here.

I just have to figure out
why the people aren't coming.

Maybe it's the food.

It's not the food.

The food is perfect.

Hector's a genius.


Can I sit next to you on the bus?

Sure. If you want.

Me and Emery are gonna sit
next to each other on our bus.

You're on a different bus

because you're at a different school,

so I don't know who you'll sit next to.

Definitely not Emery, though.
He'll be next to me.

Oh, shut up, Evan.

Mom, why do we have to
start school on a Wednesday?

Why can't we wait till Monday?

Why wait? You need to go to school

so you go to college so
you can make lots of money.

All you care about is money.

Do me a favor. Go find a homeless man.

Ask him if he thinks money matters.
You tell me what he says.

You're all about the eggs.

Eddie, eggs are life.

You came from my eggs.

Okay, so...

I want you all to be polite,

respectful, and don't make waves.

Why you only looking at me?

No, I'm talking to all of you.

Dude, you were looking right at me.

Okay, I was talking to you.

Why do all your shirts
have black men on them?

It's notorious B.I.G.!

Me and him are both dudes with mad dreams,

just trying to get a little
bit of respect in the game,

just trying to get a nut.

Louis: Jessica, I figured it out.

Dad, how come we have to
start school on a Wednesday?

That's a great question. Go to school.

Go, go, go, go.


I was blow-drying my hair,
and I figured it out...

how the restaurant can
attract bigger crowds.

Well, how?

I need to hire a white host.

Instead of people coming in
and seeing a Chinese face

and saying, "huh?

I thought this was an old west steakhouse,"

they see a white face and say,
"oh, hello, white friend.

I am comfortable."


Exactly. Not welcoming.

That's why no to your face
and yes to the white face!

Nice, happy white face, like Bill Pullman.

[School bell rings]

I'd like to introduce you to a new student.

I know it's a little unorthodox
being a Wednesday and all,

but I'd like you all to give a warm,

Abraham Lincoln middle school welcome to...

"Hung-ge Yi Minge."

Yeah, call me Eddie.

Oh, thank God.

[Indistinct conversations]

What's up? Cool if I sit?


Fine, but don't try to talk to me.

I don't like kids.

My best friend is a 40-year-old man.

Yo. Yo, Chinese kid.

What's your name again? Something Chinese?

My name's Eddie.


You into B.I.G.?

Yeah, man. He's sick.

I bought "Ready to die"
the day it came out.

You bought it? I stole it.


- Yo, come sit with us.
- Yeah?

Okay, man. Cool.

A white dude and an Asian dude
bonding over a black dude.

[Sighs] This cafeteria's ridiculous.

So, I'm Eddie.

- What's up?
- Brock: Hey, dude.

What's up, man?

Yeah, so my cousin told me about B.I.G.

when I went to visit him last summer,
and he...

Oh! What is that?! Gross!

It's Chinese food. My mom made it.

Get it out of here! Oh, my God!

Ying Ding's eating worms.


Go! Go! Oh! Get that out of here!

Go! Dude, that smells nasty!


Oh, it didn't go well?

The white people didn't
welcome you with open arms?

What? Sit elsewhere, B.I.G.

I cannot believe Jake slept with Brittany.

He knew Palmer woodward was using her

as part of a plot to destroy him

and help Amanda take controlling
interest of Melrose Place.

Right, Jessica?

Yes. All those white people
sound like they are making mistake.

Oh, the school bus is here!

I should go see how my boys' day was.

Okay, sugar.

Bye. I'm making you a mixtape.

I hope you like Eric Clapton.


Thank you.

Jessica: Hey.
So, how was your first...

They said my lunch smelled!

It smelled delicious?

No, they said it stank, mom!

I had to eat behind the gym

where the janitor flies his kite.

This is nice.

Well, those kids,
they just don't know, that's all.

It just... it just take time to
get used to something different.

I hate it here! I want to go back to D.C.

Eddie, that's not possible.
We are here now.

We have to make the best of it.

Like I am doing with this neighbor woman.

You think I like pretending

Samantha isn't carrying a
baggie of dog poops in her hand?

No! I don't like this!
We all see the poops there!

It's rolling around! But I am trying!

You have to try, too.

You're never on my side.

Eddie. Eddie, wait!

Emery: Hey, mom.

This is my girlfriend, Kim.

Hi, Mrs. Huang.

- I'm gonna walk her home, okay?
- Bye, Mrs. Huang.

Evan: Mom.

There's a fat kid at school named J.J.,
and he's hilarious.

Help mommy.

Comic sans. That's a funny font.

Thank you.

It's a great resume.

Yeah, I've always wanted
to work at a golden saddle.

This isn't a golden saddle.

Yes, it is. Isn't it?
This is Cattleman's Ranch.

But I thought like a spin-off of golden
saddle 'cause it's got all the same stuff.

It's not the same stuff.
It's very different stuff.

Well, that bear is the same.

No, that bear is brown.

At golden saddle, the bear is black.

- The snake skins?
- Different snake.

Completely different snake.

Okay, yeah. Look, you're the boss.

[Laughs] If you tell me
this is not a golden saddle,

- I'm gonna believe you.
- No, it's completely different.

- You're crazy.
- I am.

I'm... I mean, I'm not super crazy,

'cause it does look exactly the same.

This is the original
Cattleman's Ranch Steakhouse.

- So there's more than one?
- N-no, there's just one.

There's no other restaurant like it, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

So, Mitch, tell me... where are you from?

Orlando, born and raised.

[Sighs] I love Orlando.

Where else am I gonna see an alligator

run out on the street and eat a cat?

I am a cat person, too.

[Both laugh]

- That's good.
- Yeah.

Mitch, you're hired.

Well, Evan is not going to school today.

His fat friend J.J. gave him string cheese,

and apparently, he is lactose intolerant.

His body is rejecting white culture,

which make me kind of proud.

Good job, Evan.

Mom, no! I don't want Chinese lunch!

I want white-people food!

The kids at school will get used to it!

Ugh! You're never on my side.

What are you doing?

You're not gonna have any lunch to eat.

I'll be fine.

Kids aren't teasing you about your lunch?

- No, not yet.
- They will.

- People here suck.
- Totally.

- Hey, Emery!
- Hey, what's up?

Oh, hey, Emery. You coming to
my birthday party next weekend?

Hey, George. I'll be there.

Hey, boo. Got you a soda.

Why aren't chicks bringing me soda?

You want it too much.

Louis: Hey, Mitch.
Hey. How's the lunch...


It's still the same?

I just think we have to give it time,
you know?

- Get the word out there.
- No.

I moved my whole family here for this.

I need your caucasian features to work now!

My wife is not a patient woman.

Do you know how many times
she tried to start a garden?

Have you ever seen a
woman yelling at seeds?

- "Grow! Grow!"
- I hear you.

You know, my mom is the worst roommate.

It's like, if you're making toast,
make us both toast.

Uh, that's why there's two slots, you know?

Jessica: I talked to my sister today.

My brother bought a brand-new miata.

It's not new.
There's no way that car is new.

- I think it's new.
- No.

- New.
- No.

It's not new.

Eddie, why are you eating so much?

I'm hungry.

Didn't you eat your lunch today?

Yeah, but I'm still hungry.

Oh, okay.

How you like the xiaolongbao I pack you?

- It was really good.
- Liar.

I did not pack xiaolongbao!

Okay. Fine.

I threw my lunch away.

- I cannot believe you, Eddie!
- Louis: Come on, Eddie.

- That's wasteful, man.
- This is good food I make.

You love my food.

I need white-people lunch.

That gets me a seat at the table.

And then you get to change the rules.

Represent, like nas says.

I'm not trying to eat with the
janitor for the rest of my life.

I got big plans.

First, get a seat at the table.

Second, meet Shaq.

Third, change the game.

Possibly with the help of Shaq.

Damn it, that was beautiful.

That filthy music you listen
to turned you into a poet, boy.


What is this white-people lunch?

What is this store so excited about?

This is where lunchables live, mom.

If we get separated,
try and join a white family.

You will be safe there
until I can find you.


This is not how I like to shop.

This place looks like a hospital.

I miss the taiwanese markets back in D.C.

They make me feel so calm.

[Shouting in Chinese]



Everything fits perfectly inside the box.


You want to fit inside a box?

That's so American.

- Why are you so American?
- Fiesta tortilla chip? Free sample.

This is free? Okay!

How are you doing?

Everyone getting ready for the shoot?
You good, Nancy?

Can I have Saturday off?
I'm deejaying a bat mitzvah.


Hey, Joe,
no Margaritas till after the shoot, okay?

[Chuckles] Okay.

Hey, Mr. Cattleman.

How we feeling? We all ready to go?

Uh, not really.

I feel like I've told you numerous times.

I don't want to do this,
but all you do is smile and nod.


No, you're doing it.
No, that... you're doing it.

What is all this, Louis?

We are shooting a local commercial.

A commercial? Why didn't you tell me?

How much is this going to cost us?!

Come here. Come on.

I miss our family and
friends in Washington, D.C.

And Eddie's having a hard time at school.

And Evan is lactose intolerant.

And Emery...

well, Emery's doing surprisingly well.

But all you care about
is the stupid restaurant,

which is the whole reason
I agreed to move here!

Because you say it was doing well!

It's not doing well!
And so I am worried about money.

And look at my hair!

My hair is terrible!

Your hair is terrible, but so was mine.

And I fixed it using product.

I love that you have big dreams,

but I don't want to lose everything, Louis.

Let's just go home.

- We can't do that.
- Why?

What's so important we had to move here

and change our whole lives?

Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Huang.

The burro is ready for blocking.

Thank you, Nancy.

We'll discuss this later.



Oh, cool.

You got turkey and cheese lunchables?

I got pizza.

♪ This is for the gz,
and this is for the hustla ♪

♪ This is for the hustlas ♪

Yo, man! What you doing?!

Get used to it.
You're the one at the bottom now.

No, I'm not!

Yeah, you are!

It's my turn, chink!

[Chatter stops]

♪ This is for the gz,
and this is for the hustla ♪

♪ This is for the hustlas,
now back to the gz ♪

Hunter: And according to the lunch monitor,

he kicked him in the groinal area,

shoved pudding in his face,

and unleashed a stream of obscenities

I can't repeat because God is listening.

There were some words he used
that I've never heard before,

and I grew up in Boston.

This is a very serious offense,
Mr. and Mrs. Huang.

Yes, it is. We are very upset.

That you didn't do
anything to defend Eddie.

Excuse me?

That boy called our son a chink.

You think that's okay?

Why didn't you do anything about that?

How come only Eddie's out there?!

How come that boy is not also out there?!

Where are his parents?!

Or his 40-year-old best friend?

And why aren't we talking
about the fact that he has a...

Both: 40-year-old best friend?!

- The school's fine with that?
- Fishy.

I don't think you understand.

We're talking about possible suspension.

If you try to suspend
our son because of this,

we will sue everyone in this school.

So fast, it'll make your head spin.

Hey, it's the American way, right?

You know about that.


- Oh, I, um, have a coupon for you.
- Oh, yes.

It's a restaurant called Cattleman's ranch.


You get a free onion blossom

with the purchase of any entree,
but you have to buy a drink.

W-why did you stand up for me?

You do your best not to make waves,

but I will never be mad at you
for standing up for yourself.

This is why.

This is why what?

This is why we moved here.

I'm sorry for what happened to Eddie,

but it's going to make him stronger.

In fact, us coming to this new place

is going to make us all stronger.

I came down here,
and I opened a wild west restaurant

because this is the wild west...

a lawless land for only
the bravest of families!

There is opportunity here

to make a better life for our family.

I don't want to work for
your brother forever.

No. Me?

I got big dreams.

I got big plans.

Things were okay for us back in D.C.,

but I want more than okay for us.

You're just trying to get a nut, dad.


I want more than okay for us, too.

I am with you.

Nut for me, also.

But this is not the west.
This is the south.

If we want to go west,
we should go to California.

Do you know how expensive California is?

This is west for us. This is fine.

["Big poppa" plays]
When you live in a lunchables world,

it's not always easy being
homemade chinese food.

But it's also what makes you special.

My family was gonna create
their place in Orlando,

and we're gonna do it our way,

because you don't have to
pretend to be someone else

in order to belong.

Yeah, son.

A little bit of respect.

like B.I.G. Said, if you don't know,
now you know.

♪ Represent, baby, baby ♪

Hey, y'all.

When my neck gets red

'cause of my white skin
is out in the yellow sun,

I like to come here to Cattleman's ranch,

Where I can get comfortable
along people of my own kind.

Maybe meet my wife or my cousin.

Or my cousin's wife.

For an onion blossom for only 2.99.

Tell them I send you.

Who am I?
Cattleman Mitch.

And his pal Eric the donkey.

I think we really have something here.