Fresh Off the Boat (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Home Sweet Home-School - full transcript

As a kid, there are things that terrify you.

Parents, thank you all for coming.

We know you're very busy,
but we felt we needed...

to bring this matter
to your immediate attention.

This man has been seen in the area...

handing out drugs to children
and telling them they're stickers.

- - The children
then proceed to lick the stickers...

and are then on drugs.

We are working closely
with local authorities...

but we also wanted to make you aware...

so any additional precautions
could be taken.



Yes, you in back.

When do report cards come out?

In my family, that's what terrified us.

My mom was singing at the restaurant...

because my dad thought
it would help business.

Married 45 years. I can't imagine it.

Hey, Nancy!

That coupon is expired.

You have to check the date.

Literally, I can't imagine it.

- How'd she see that?
- I see everything.

Okay, just one sprig
of parsley per plate, please.

It is a garnish, not a salad.

- Uh, the voice of an angel, the incredible
singing lady. -



- There we go. Okay, okay.
- Okay.

She's something else. Okay.

What are you doing?

The restaurant has been open
almost a month...

and we have been losing money every day.

We have to tighten up around here,
or we will never turn a profit.

Is that why you clog
half the pepper holes?

Oh, look at that guy...

shaking away our profits
like he's a pepper monster.

Look, if you're gonna help,
we need to get on the same page...

and my page says the key to success...

is to kill them with kindness.
I've always...

Shh. Did you hear that?

Mitch, did you just take
a crouton from the salad bar?

Are you saying I did not hear a crunch?

You are trying to dissolve the crouton.

Mitch, go see if any servers
need help, okay?

Oh, hell no.

You waiting for your report card?

Yeah,
and a birthday card from my dad.

If it's within three weeks of
your birthday, then it still counts.

I've got a forgery kit in my room.

I'm gonna use it to change my C's to B's
before my mom comes home.

- Sweet.
- Yeah.

I'm not making the same rookie mistake
I made last year.

Put your gym clothes
in the hamper and take out the trash.

Okay, I will. Love you!

You love me? What are you hiding?

- There's nothing in my backpack.
- Oh, I know.

B-minus!

- Is there anything else for me?
- Buddy, we talked about this.

I would lead with the card.
I'm rooting for you.

- You ready?
- Yeah.

Yes!

- Mom!
- We got report cards!

Oh.

Okay.

- What is this?
- Our school doesn't give out grades.

It fosters unhealthy competition.

Plus-minus rainbow?

One leprechaun?

Two clouds. That seems bad.

- No, clouds are good.
- Clouds are rain. What are you, a farmer?

Domino! Straight A's, Moms!

The one good thing about moving here is
I have no friends and no distractions.

That's why I got all...

Grandma, what does Fonzie say?

Aaayyyy!

School is too easy.

Just when you think you've won the game,
this trick done changed the rules.

Eddie, don't call your mother a trick.

You need to make school more challenging,
or else my son will fall behind.

I'm sorry. There's not much I can do
about a straight-A student.

Well, is there extra school?
Where is the closest CLC?

- Oh, no.
- What's CLC?

An after-school program for reading...

math, science...

And violin.

Look at 'em... the innocence.

I couldn't hear them through
the reinforced glass...

but I imagined
it was the sound of childhood.

Enjoy your stick, white friends.

- I'm sorry. We don't have a Chinese
Learning Center here. - Yes!

But we do have an after-school program
called "Animal Encounters"...

where we bring in farm animals
for the children to play with.

In fact, I have a baby chick
in my lap right now.

Please put your lap chicken away.

I don't understand these people.

It's like success
is not important to them.

To Spencer and his four C's.

Uh-uh! Nancy!
No wasting napkins.

Uh, but the lady
at table six asked for it.

She ordered a salad.
She does not need an extra napkin.

My hands are tied.

Jessica, we talked about this.

It's a slippery slope.

First, an employee pops a crouton.

Next thing you know, they are
wheeling ovens out of the kitchen.

Same with the customer.

First, they get extra napkin.
Next thing you know, they run out on the bill.

Same with the boys.
First, they have baby chickens in their lap.

Next thing you know,
they are homeless!

You know...

just because they don't
offer CLC here...

doesn't mean you
can't provide it for the boys.

Well, I'm not a teacher.

No, but you are very smart.

Have you ever met a Wheel of Fortune
puzzle you couldn't figure out?

- I always guess them.
- Mm-hmm.

I mean, you're way smarter
than the teachers they had at CLC.

- Some of them were not impressive.
- Mm-mmm.

Oh, never mind.
You can't teach the boys CLC.

I mean, what would I do at the restaurant?
You are so valuable here.

- I really am.
- Yeah.

But we do have a crisis on our hands.

Our boys did get straight A's.

Oh, hey, man. Look what my mom
got me for my straight C's.

- You want to play?
- Does the yellow man like dumplings?

We do. Sorry.
I put you in an awkward spot.

Let me go get my breakaway pants,
so I can rip them off.

We're doing CLC.

- But there aren't any in Orlando.
- Well, there is now.

Homeschool CLC.

I will be your teacher.

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Time.

Eddie, focus!

Okay, I need to start making dinner.

Evan, you make sure
that everyone does their CLC.

Okay, Teacher Mommy.

You're loving this.
Teacher's pet and mama's boy.

I'm writing you up.

Eddie Huang.

Not nice."

Eddie Huang."

This sucks, right, Emery?

You play the cards you're dealt.
Choose life, you know?

Aw, man, a trampoline?

And he's using it inappropriately?

I never get to have that much fun.

- Oh, uh, I'm sorry. I was...
- No, no, it's okay.

You can have a crouton.

Is this a trick?
Is she here? Is she watching us?

- Are you tricking me?
- No. It's not a trick. It's not...

- There's cameras, right?
- Stop. Stop.

- Where is she?
- Look at me.

Mitch, when you're at Cattleman's Ranch...

I want you to feel like
you're being hugged...

by a matronly woman with chubby arms.

That's how I want to feel.

See, I believe...

that happy employees
are good employees...

and good employees
are good for business.

So how about this?

You and I,
we're gonna have a crouton together.

- R-Really? - So I'm gonna take
one, and you're gonna take one.

- Cheers.
- Okay.

- Cheers. Cheers.
- Ding!

- They're pretty good.
- Very good.

I know that you aren't
a matronly woman, but...

- Bring it.
- All right.

- Bring it, bring it.
- Ahhh.

All right.

- Okay, we're good. Okay.
- Okay.

- Just one more second. So nice.
- Okay.

- You're a good man, you know?
- Thank you.

- Okay. You're a really good man.
- Thank you.

- Okay.
- Oh, that was fun.

- We should do that all the time.
- No.

Whew!

Rough day at the ranch.

Is Nancy messing up the iced teas again?

I told her it is four cups of water
to one tea bag.

It is so hard to not have you there.

But this is best for the boys.

Our sacrifice will be worth it.

Mom, Eddie's refusing
to use the bathroom pass.

I'm not trying to use a pass
to whiz in my own house.

- Dinner's almost ready. You finish your CLC?
- You know I didn't.

Dinner after CLC.

Dad, Mom is crazy.

Can't you talk some sense into her?

Uh, well, you know,
it's, uh, tough for all of us.

I'm dying without her at the restaurant.
Nobody's having a good time.

Love you!

Love you? My dad never said that.

My family loved each other.
We just didn't say it.

We showed our love through
criticism and micromanagement...

so if you said, "Love you'...

you were probably hiding something.

Okay.

- Here you...
- Oh, I'm okay.

I don't need any extra napkins.
Thank you.

I beg to differ.

Boop!

Hey, we have a jukebox?

I guess so.
Hey, Mitch, go ahead and plug her in.

- Really?
- Happy employees equal happy customers.

Ah.

It's like we've been
whisked away to Trinidad.

Aw, hell no!

I'm too excited to pimp walk.

- Dad doesn't want you at the restaurant.
- What? That's not true.

Your father is struggling without me...

but he is making a sacrifice
for your education.

Ask him yourself.

Of course I want you here.

It is awful without you.

I am very good.

Eddie's just making up excuses,
probably to get out of CLC.

I will double his workload.

Oh, no. Gotta run.
I see Mitch eyeing the croutons. Love you!

Oh, hell no!

Everybody having a good time?

Yeah!

at 11 cents per kilowatt...

and a three-minute song costs 25 cents...

how much money do we lose per song?

- Two and a half cents!
- Two and a half... Ah, man!

And this is why
I never plug in the jukebox.

Boys, welcome to
your new CLC classroom.

Hi.

Uh, may I get you some waters,
or perhaps a booming onion?

Jessica, what brings you
to Cattleman's Ranch?

I realize,
why not have the boys do CLC here?

That way, I can also
help you at the restaurant.

Unless you don't want me here.

Oh, no.
Of course I want you here.

Good! Boys, CLC, this booth.

If Mitch steals two croutons per hour...

and a three-pound box
costs five dollars...

how many days
till we are on the street?

How many croutons per box?

What are we paying in rent?

How can I solve for X
when I don't know Z?

Nerd.

Eddie Huang.

Slander."

He's tough, but he's fair.

Nancy, what did I tell you
about extra napkins?

Also, why are we out of tea bags?

- I don't want you here.
- I knew it.

As soon as you expressed emotions
with words.

Why do you micromanage everything?

Why am I the only one
who cares that we are losing money?

I'm just looking out for our family.

So am I,
but I'm doing it in a nicer way.

You should treat people
the way you want to be treated.

You think people are inherently good,
but they are not.

I'm sorry.
Could I just get my check, please?

No, I'm sorry. My son got straight A's,
and I told my wife I love her.

Please bear with us.
We're going through a rough patch.

Look at that table.
Look at that table.

They are about to dine and dash.

They've ordered
the most expensive items on the menu.

They've been there a long time,
and they haven't paid.

And that one guy
is pumping up his sneaker.

I'll take care of this.

How? By killing them with kindness?
Showering them with napkins?

No, you make them pay,
then you kick them out.

I will handle this my way.

Hello.

- We're not done eating yet.
- I know, I know. Look.

I know what you guys are doing here.

You're gonna dine and dash because
you think it's fun and nobody gets hurt.

But this is a family business.

It's not run by some big corporation.

I thought this was a Golden Saddle.

It's a totally different restaurant.

The bears aren't even the same color.

Look, if you guys run out on this check,
it's gonna come out of our pocket...

me, my wife and my three boys.

- You guys were really going for a girl, huh?
- Don't get me started.

- We were gonna name her Emily.
- That's sweet.

Yeah. Look, the point is,
we're not rich.

In fact, we're struggling
just to break even.

So if you guys ordered more than you can
pay for, we can work something out.

Yeah, okay. We're sorry.
We were just being stupid.

We can cover it.
I've got my dad's credit card.

Thanks, guys. I appreciate it.

I took care of it.

I talked to them the way that I would
want to be talked to, and they got it.

- People are good.
- Are you sure about that?

I'll be in my office.

Excuse me, Mrs. Huang.

Um, we were just talking,
and we'd like to cover their check.

What?

The table that ran out...
We want to chip in and pay their bill.

Louis would do it for us.
I mean, he's a great boss.

Mom, Eddie
dined and dashed on CLC.

Don't worry.
I wrote him another infraction.

Oh, crap!

I will get to you later!

- "...run out on this bill, it comes
out of our pocket." -

Hey.

Oh!

Emery, go get that onion.
I'm going to cook dinner with it tonight.

Time me.

- You hit us with your car.
- You hit my car with your bodies.

My husband is a good man.

He believes in the good of people.
I don't.

But all his employees
respect and admire him...

which makes you start to wonder.

- My body feels cold.
- I-It's shutting down.

My point is...

I don't want my husband
to lose his faith in people.

Okay, okay. W-We'll pay our check.

You are going to do a lot more than that.

I don't know why, but it's warm!

After we left, we thought about what you said,
and we realized you were right.

Yeah, what we did was wrong.

- Really?
- Yes.

You were right to see the good in us.

Did you have something to do with this?

What? Me? No.

Okay, well,
I'm gonna go make dinner now.

Sliced beef with peppers and onions,
maybe some rice also.

Love you!

I missed all the fun.

Hmm.

Well, you know,
most moms don't care enough...

about their kids to tutor them
for two hours a day.

- It was three hours.
- Three hours?

My God, I...

Look, I'm not gonna lie.
Your mom is tough.

And she's never
gonna let up on you or any of us...

but it's because she cares.

Yeah.

- Oh-oh!
- You think you can beat your old man?

Dad, you serve people all day.
Ready to get served?

Wait, I almost forgot.

That felt good.

- Ah!
- Ooh, close.

- Ooh! Nice, close!
- No!

- Mom said we can play.
- Nobody block my shots.

Come on. Come on.

Eddie! Eddie, pass!

Ooh!

- Is that your dad?
- Yeah.

Seems like a cool guy.

- All day!
- Wanna play?

Well, I was just gonna
flip through sports games on TV...

and look for my dad in the crowd...

- but I guess that could wait.
- Yeah. Come on.

- Come on. Shoot. Ooh, good.
- Get him!

- Good. Uh-oh. -
That's how it was in my family.

We didn't do sappy "I love yous."
We didn't have to.

We just showed it.

- Hurry.
- Yeah!

Looks like we'll be going
for academic scholarships.

And then an alligator sticker
plus a cloud sticker...

equals an alligator
with sunglasses sticker.

- All right, so... - Unless the
cloud sticker is a rain cloud...

in which case it reverts back
to a bear in a hat.

Oh, right. So...

Unless the bear's hat is black...

- which indicates a very high
level of effort. - So...

Which is then rewarded by a plus-minus
participatory rainbow...

of which there are three intensity hues.

- What'd your mom say? - She gave
you an alligator with sunglasses.

And to you.

I think that's a good idea.

Hmm.

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