Frasier (1993–2004): Season 9, Episode 23 - The Guilt Trippers - full transcript

Ah... Yay.

Did you make a wish, sweetheart?

Of course she did.

She wished her father still
loved his children enough

to call his only
daughter on her birthday.

Or his wife. Oh, but
that's a man for you.

Once he's planted his seed
and you borne his spawn,

he moves on to spread
his filth elsewhere.

Sounds like a toast to me.

I'll get the champagne.

I'll just have a beer.



Oh, I'm not sure we
should introduce alcohol

into the situation.

Well, Daphne, why don't
you open your presents?

Oh, that's a good idea.

Yeah, here, mine
and Dad's first.

Happy birthday, Daphne.

Oh, it's a journal.

It's lovely. Thank you.

You don't need to
say that for my benefit.

I wanted to get you
one of those robot dogs.

You know, something
you could really use.

Hey, Niles. Hey, Roz.

Oh, Hi, Roz.

Thank you. Sorry I'm late.



Oh, no, not at all.

Daphne's just opening her gifts.

Oh, here's mine.

Oh, Roz, you didn't
have to get me anything.

Don't be silly. Happy birthday.

Ooh...

Oh, wow.

We love it.

Yes, Roger loved black lace.

But he didn't get
to see me in it.

Black lace, I mean.

I bought this one for you. New.

Thank you, Roz.

Some man break
your heart, did he?

Oh, yeah, but I'll be okay.

Sure you will.

Until you realize he
was the love of your life

and he's gone for good.

Then not a night will pass
when you don't beg the good Lord

to take you in your sleep.

We all have those thoughts.

Niles, can I see you
in the kitchen, please?

Yeah.

What's this?

That's what I said.

I can tell you what it isn't.

Dad, would you let it go?

I know she's difficult,

but we need to be
sensitive with Mom right now.

"Difficult"?

I yearn for the
days of difficult.

Difficult was a picnic.

I keep a picture of difficult
in a heart-shaped frame

next to my bed.

Difficult was a...

All right, Niles, I know.

But it's harder for her now.

I think she's finally realizing

that Dad's not coming back.

And I guess I am, too.

I'm sorry.

I will be more patient with her.

Thank you, Niles.

And if you do it right,

he'll bleed from the inside

and no one will know it was you.

Oh, Daphne, I
think there's still

an unopened gift here for you.

I think there's an unopened
gift for me in the fridge.

Try and stop me.

Daphne.

Happy birthday, darling.

Oh, Niles, it's a trip.

This weekend

you and I are
jetting off to Hawaii

for a five-star
Polynesian retreat.

Oh, how exciting!

Oh, thank you.

The first day, we're
being taken by outrigger

to an exclusive island
for a private luau.

Roger and I were supposed to
go back to Wisconsin this weekend

for my family reunion.

Oh, that's lovely.

Then the second day,

we're going to take
a cruise to Molokai...

Of course, you
can't go to Wisconsin

without taking a
couple of cheese tours.

Boy, you sure can't. No.

No.

And then when we're in Molokai,

we're going to go snorkeling

with the sea tortoise.

And then the Dells...

I mean, Roger
really wanted to ride

one of those big duck boats.

I've heard enough.

All these lovey-dovey stories
about traveling and romance,

and you with your birthday.

Can't you all see
that I'm hurting?

I can't hide it anymore.

What are you doing?

I want to change my wish.

I started the dishwasher.

Thanks, Roz, I'll
see you tomorrow.

Do you want me to
run the vacuum cleaner?

No, thanks, I can
do it in the morning.

Are you sure?

I mean, it would
just take a second.

You don't want to
go home, do you?

Not really.

Alice is in Wisconsin
with her grandmother,

and it's just hard to
face an empty house.

Well, I'll tell you what, Roz.

Why don't you sit down and
we'll shoot the breeze for a while.

Thanks.

And when I think about
this trip to Wisconsin,

I just dread going
without Roger.

My family thinks I'm
a total loser as it is.

Now I'm just going
to prove them right.

"Roz is a failure at love."

"Roz can't find a man."

They don't really
say that, do they?

Oh, you haven't met
my perfect sister Denise.

I mean, I love her
and everything,

but she's a total bitch.

Well, you know, I-I
could go with you.

What?

Sure, for moral support.

Oh, Frasier, is that how you
want to spend your vacation?

I don't know.

This just might
be the perfect time

for me to see a giant
duck and a lot of cheese.

Thank you, Frasier.

You want to watch some TV?

Maybe we can find a good movie.

Yeah.

Ever since this whole
Roger thing happened,

you've really come
through for me.

It means a lot.

Why can't more men be like you?

I mean, you are exactly
what women are looking for.

Yeah? Women I date
don't seem to know that.

Some women don't
know what's good for them.

Terrific.

I'm the broccoli of dating.

Morning.

Morning!

Can I get you some coffee?

I would love to stay, but no.

I really got to run.

I got the tile guy coming.

Right.

So, this is a little
strange, huh?

Yeah, it is.

But good strange.

Yeah.

You know.

Tile guy.

Right, yeah, I'll get up.

No.

Okay... I really have to go.

I'll see you at work.

Roz, you okay?

Everything's super.

Maybe we should talk about this.

And we will, just not right
now, 'cause I'm really late.

You know, I mean
for the tile guy.

Let me walk you out.

Roz, maybe we could
have dinner later?

Okay. And we can talk then.

I mean, not that I
really need to talk

because I'm fine.

Unless you're not fine.

No, no, I'm fine.

A little strange, though, huh?

Yeah, but good strange.

Damn it, Eddie.

Just 'cause I dropped something

doesn't make it yours.

God, what have I done?

What have I done?
What have I done?

Morning, Fras.

Morning, Dad.

Seen the paper yet?

Uh, no, I haven't.

Big story about how Roz's purse

spent the night
on the coffee table.

It's not what it looks like.

I know that.

Oh, what do you
mean "you know that"?

It shows what you know.
It's exactly what it looks like.

I knew that.

Well, anyway, it's
none of your business

so I'm not
discussing it with you.

Oh, Dad, I've done
a terrible thing.

Oh, geez, what happened?

And don't tell me too much.

Well, I-I don't even know
how I let this happen.

She was lonely.

She probably thinks I
took advantage of her.

I mean, that's why
she ran out of here.

Do you think I did?

Fras, you're both adults.

Where's the harm?

Well, you can't be serious, Dad.

I mean, do you realize
what this means?

I have probably
destroyed our friendship.

Do you know what she'll see
every time she looks at me?

Your naked body.

Oh, dear God.

I was going to say somebody
who's betrayed her trust,

but, oh, dear God.

Now, Fras, don't
get all worked up.

When are you supposed
to see her next?

We're meeting
for dinner tonight.

So, everything's normal.

You're going to feel weird
and stupid for a while,

and then you'll have a big
laugh about it and move on.

Yeah, you're probably right.

I mean, we're adults.

We can discuss this.

We're going to be fine.

Boy, we better be.

I told her I'd go to
Wisconsin with her.

Wow, you really were lonely.

I want to go on this
trip as much as you do,

but we can't leave Mom
alone for a week right now.

She seems unbalanced.

Well, maybe...

maybe she could stay
here with Frasier and Dad.

Oh-ho, what are
we talking about?

It's Mom again.

She's been crying nonstop
since we left here last night.

Sounds like a job for the
prescription pad, Niles.

I can't even get
Dad on the phone.

He doesn't even
know I'm engaged.

I guess I can forget about
him walking me down the aisle.

Hello?

Roz, hi.

Yeah, hang on one sec.

Daphne, I have a solution.

I want you to use those tickets
and take your mother to Hawaii.

Are you out of your
mind? No, no, no,

we're going to have a
lifetime of romantic trips,

but right now what's important
is taking care of your mom.

Like you said, she's fragile.

Oh, Niles, that's
very thoughtful

but I don't want to go
to Hawaii with my mom.

I want to go with you.

Just hear me out.

You're really going
to let that old bat

manipulate you out
of a trip to Hawaii?

Dad, I have a plan.

Niles, you're a sucker.

You know Mrs. Moon's
so-called knee injury?

Well, last night I noticed
her limping on the wrong leg.

I know. She switches.

So, how's Roz?

She's fleeing the
city, thank you.

Oh, come on.

She's going to
Wisconsin without me.

She's leaving immediately.

I told you this was
going to happen.

Our friendship is in ruins.

Yeah.

What do you mean, "yeah"?

Well, I kind of thought
that might happen.

I was just trying to
make you feel better.

Now, remember, when you arrive,

a car will be
waiting to take you

to the Nanehalaka
Ha'e Alahe House.

I don't know why we can't go
somewhere where they speak English.

They do speak
English in Hawaii, Mom.

How come you can fly to Hawaii,
but you can't fly to England?

How come you can drive your car

but you can't do
your own laundry?

Have a good trip.

Thanks again, Niles. I love you.

I love you, too.

I wish I could walk you
to the gate, but security...

Yeah, well, we better
hurry if we're going

to pass customs.

It's the same country, Mom.

I'm going to miss you so much.

Oh, God, I know.

Well, that's going
to be a good time.

I feel guilty, but it's
for a greater good.

Where to, Niles?

Virgin Atlantic.
It's right there.

What's this? You
going somewhere?

England. I'm going
to find Daphne's father

and bring him back here

if I have to check every
pub in Manchester.

You can't be serious.

"I can't do my own laundry
because I can't carry the basket

and my cane at the same time."

That's what I should have said.

Daphne wants to get
her parents back together.

I'm going to try to
make that happen.

At the very least,

he's going to walk
her down that aisle.

It'll be the biggest surprise
anyone ever gave her.

That's a beautiful
gesture, Niles.

Bye.

Why didn't you tell me
he was going to England?

Same reason I didn't tell him
you were going to Wisconsin.

Which way?

Oh, right.

Concourse "B."

Think this is a smart plan,

surprising Roz in
front of her family?

Well, what else would
you suggest I do, Dad?

I couldn't reach her by phone.

Roz and I have got to
talk before this turns into

a permanent divide
in our friendship.

Okay, but you
know what she'll say

when she looks at you.

Yes, yes, my naked body.

I'll have you know,
there are worse things...

All right. Just stop this.

I've got enough horror
shows in my head.

Here we are.

Thank you. Oh, by the way, Dad,

I got you a little something

to keep you company
while I'm away.

Oh, no way!

The robot dog. Thanks, son.

Sure.

Oh, good, you got the girl
one so it won't fight with Eddie.

Dad, it's not a girl.

That's where the batteries go.

Hi, um, I'm looking
for Roz Doyle.

Oh, well, she's out shopping
with her cousin right now,

but come in.

I'm her sister, Denise.

Oh, well, it's a
pleasure to meet you.

Oh, likewise.

All we've been hearing is
"Roger this and Roger that,"

but we've seen no
Roger. Yes, well, I...

We were beginning to think
that you didn't really exist.

I'm afraid you've made
a mistake, you see.

Well, obviously we did,

but you can't blame us.

It wouldn't be the first time

that she's made up a boyfriend.

We've really been
having a lot of fun with her.

Oh, honey, look, Roger is here.

There really is one.

Well, I'll be a son of a gun.

Good to know you.
Craig Dawson, Met-Life.

Hi, Roger... Hammerstein.

Well, come on in
and meet everyone.

Thank you.

Roger, this is Aunt
Pearl and cousin Curtis

and great-uncle Olaf.

Hi.

Well, honey, it looks like
you owe Roz an apology.

Now, she knows I
was just teasing her.

I'm just relieved that she's
finally found someone.

We just want her to have

the kind of happiness
that we found.

Well, you know, I intend to do

everything in my power
to give her just that.

I love Roz, and I
intend to prove it to her.

That's why I've come.

Oh, my God. What's going on?

Roz...

Roger, can Craig
fix you a drink?

Roger?

Yeah, sweetheart.

Hi.

I'd love that drink.

Well, well, well.

Looks like you've really made

an impression on
Roger here, Roz.

Yeah.

How did you two meet again?

Oh, gosh, well,
it's the cutest story.

Here, come on, honey, sit down.

Actually, it all started when
Alice used to wave at me

when I was driving my
trash-collecting truck.

Oh, well, I guess Alice
is sure going to be happy

to see you again.

Oh, well, you know, it's funny.

As well as Alice
and I get along,

she always mistakes
me for Roz's boss.

It's weird, isn't it?

Yeah.

Here we are.

Oh, thank you.

So, Roger, I hear
you're a big golfer.

What do you shoot?

Well, you know,
actually, since I met Roz,

I don't get much time for golf.

Well, don't get too
used to that, Roz.

I've been a golf widow
ever since I've been married.

It's like a disease with them.

Well, maybe with most
men, but not with me.

I mean, my spare
time is precious

so I like to spend it with
the people that I love,

like Roz and Alice.

Who knows?

Maybe some day,
some more little ones.

Especially if they
look like this here.

Oh, my... I hated that picture.

Big ugly glasses, and
I guess I was trying

to look like Dorothy Hamill.

We warned you not
to get that haircut,

but you insisted.

You know, if I'd met
this girl in the fifth grade,

I wouldn't have
dated anybody else.

Gosh, can I get a copy

of this for my desk at work?

You have a desk?

Dashboard.

Yeah, I looked at the
"Getting Started" section.

Yeah, I did that.

Voice activation? Yeah,
I did everything it said.

Appendix B?

Well, where is Appendix B?

I just want this damn
thing to do some tricks.

Can't you make
these things easier?

You know, you shouldn't
have to be a rocket scientist

to play with some stupid toy.

Eddie, be quiet.
I'm on the phone.

So this one's getting tired.

She wants to turn around

and head back up the beach

when finally she
sees the blanket

surrounded by candles

and the food and the
wine that I had set up.

And don't forget the diamond
bracelet you gave me.

Aw...

I had no idea there
was that kind of money

in the garbage business.

You have no idea
about a lot of things.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, why can't
you be more like him

and do something special
for me once in a while?

Why can't you be more like
her and not be such a nag?

That was the best half hour

I have ever spent
with my family!

Thank you!

But what are you doing here?

I just had to make
sure we were okay.

I told you we were okay.

Yeah, I know, and
then you ran away.

I know. I should have
stayed and talked to you.

It's just...

Usually when I'm
freaked out, I turn to you,

and this time, I just
didn't feel like I could.

I'm so sorry.

For what?

For that. For that evening.

You were vulnerable

and I feel like I took
advantage of you.

Oh, Frasier, I'm a grown-up.

I make my own decisions.

I was just worried that...

Well, over the years,
we've almost gone to bed

a couple of times.

And we haven't
because we were afraid

it would damage our friendship.

Now we've done it.

Right.

I was just worried

that things have
changed between us.

That's what I came
here to ask you.

I remember the
last time I sat here

just like this.

My old high school boyfriend
sat right where you are

and he told me he'd been
accepted into college in Boston.

Hmm.

And I just stared
at his shoelaces.

I was afraid I'd cry if I looked
anywhere else, you know?

Anyway, we promised that
we would always be friends.

And it was just the
saddest thing in the world

because I knew it wasn't true.

And this time?

We will always
be friends, Frasier.

Nothing's going to
ever change that.

I can't believe you
traveled all this way.

Well, that's what people do
when they care about someone.

Excuse me.

Do you know a man
named Harry Moon?

And no, that is not
the start of a limerick.

Mr. Moon?

Who's asking?

My name is Niles Crane.

I'm planning to
marry your daughter.

You look okay to me.

All right, you have my blessing.

Thank you.

But actually, I'm here

to reunite you with your wife.

Oh, Mr. Moon.
Mr. Moon. Mr... Mr...

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-calling ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Oh, my ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're calling again. ♪

Good night,
Seattle! We love you!