Frasier (1993–2004): Season 9, Episode 12 - Mother Load: Part 1 - full transcript

Excuse me, Cam.

Oh, hello, Frasier.
Still driving a sedan?

Yes, well, at least mine
fits in the allotted space.

Unlike this new behemoth
you're driving.

Well, actually it's the Behemoth XL.

Well, use care getting out.

FRASIER: Come back here.
You know very well I can't get out!

Oh. I'm sorry.

Let me see what I can do about that.

[CHOKING]

Oh!



Tough break.

If I move,
I'll be over the line on the other side.

But you're over the line on this side.

Actually, if you were standing out here,
you would see

that I am just on the line,
which, as we both know, is in.

If I were standing out there we
wouldn't be having this conversation.

I wish I could help.

Maybe next time you'll think twice

before calling the police
when I have a party.

What makes you think it was me?

You're the only one in the building
I didn't invite.

[CAR ALARM BEEPS]

[GRUNTING]

For God's sake.



[PANTING]

Ooh! Aah!

DAPHNE:
Thanks again for the ride, Roz.

ROZ:
Sure, no problem.

Isn't this a lot of stuff
for just one night?

Oh, it's not for one night.

Niles and I have decided to keep
a few things at each other's houses.

You know, save
running back and forth.

There you are.
I thought I heard you come in.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, hey, Roz.

- Niles.
- My God, what is all that?

Oh, it's the stuff
I'm gonna be keeping at your place.

Since you're here,
do you mind giving me a ride?

What's wrong with your car?

I had to lend it to Frasier.
His is drying out. Long story.

Well, uh, I don't think I'm gonna
be able to get all that stuff in my car.

Oh, once we get the rest of Daphne's
stuff out, there'll be plenty of room.

These are all my things.

Oh. Well, uh, I guess I could do
without this dressing gown.

Oh, but what if I'm wearing
dark pyjamas? Eh.

Yeah, that would be all crazy.

Niles, maybe if I take the seat out
of my car, I can cram all this stuff in.

Yeah, that might work,
but let's not move anything

until Niles and I have
a little discussion about this.

Um...

Well, I definitely know
I'm gonna need this one.

- Oh. I'll take it down.
- Okay, thanks.

- Niles, what do you have in here?
- Um, ties.

Something wrong?

Where are we supposed
to put all this?

I cleared out two drawers.
This will fill two closets.

Well, we said we'd both bring whatever
we needed for any eventuality.

Isn't there anything
you can leave behind?

I don't see how. I have formal,
semi-formal, dishabille,

wet weather, cold weather, cloudy.

I mean, if there's something here
you find excessive, jump right in.

I just don't have the space, and I don't
see your brother giving up any of his.

Maybe this isn't gonna work.

I'm sorry. I thought
this would make things easier.

- And it would if I had more room.
- Hmm.

You're right.
That was thoughtless of me.

Guess I'm just used to rattling
around here all by myself.

Sometimes I think this is
too much space for just one person.

- You know...
- Yes?

- You could live here.
- Are you asking me?

- Would you like to?
- Would you like me to?

- Yeah.
- Then I will.

Okay.

Wow.

[LAUGHING]

- That was a big thing.
- I'll say.

- I'm gonna live in your apartment.
- Our apartment.

Our apartment. Oh, my,
I'm gonna have to practise saying that.

"Let's go back to our apartment."

Yeah. "Why don't we meet
at our apartment?"

"Oh, my, our apartment
has a gas leak."

"Oh, no, our apartment's
going to explode!"

"Oh, no, there goes our apartment!"

- So, what else we taking?
DAPHNE: Good news, Roz.

- Niles and I are moving in together.
- Oh, hey, that's great news.

So I didn't have to strip two bolts

and grease up my shirt
moving the seat out after all.

Nope. And you didn't need to take
Niles' ties down either.

No, no, no, but I will get the ties.
You stay here in our apartment.

- Our apartment. Our living room.
- Yes.

- Our fireplace. Yeah.
- Our kitchen.

- Our bedroom.
- Our bedroom.

I'll get the ties.

You should've been
at the condo board meeting.

You missed all the excitement.

Now, don't tell me. People argued
about some dumb building policy

and then you all had cookies.

Not this time.

I gave the greatest speech
of my condo-board career.

Which led to a vote, which led to the
ruling that Cam Winston

must now park that SUV monstrosity
of his in the sub-basement.

Then we had cookies.

My mistake.

- How did Cam take it?
- He was livid, thank you.

[LAUGHING]

But I pointed out that the emissions
from his over-sized vehicle

endangered the health of anyone
passing through the lobby

and I won the day.

People bought that?

Dad, I am an orator, hmm?

It is not only that which is said,
but the passion with which it is said.

You're saying it now
and it just sounds like a lot of hooey.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That's because
I'm not orating right now.

Oh, just go back to your paper.

Ah.

Good afternoon again, Cam.

Listen, Crane, you may
have bamboozled the condo board,

but we both know
you just want more room

to swing your fat ass into that BMW.

Cam, if there is any benefit to me,

it is the cleaner air
which we will all now breathe.

Oh, get off your high horse.
You do your share of polluting

with that substitute for masculinity
you're driving.

If mine's a substitute for masculinity,
then what is yours?

Bigger.

Ha!

That wasn't funny.

I'm sorry, Cam,
but I believe the issue is closed.

It was voted on by the majority

in the spirit of the great democracy
that is America.

I believe that is check and mate.
Good day.

Boo-hoo, Cam. No more blocking
my driver's-side door.

You think that's smart, ticking off
the guy who lives right above us?

Dad, we are protected
by this building's constitution.

Believe me, I will have Cam cited
for a noise violation

if he so much as drops a hint.

- Hi.
- Hello.

FRASIER: Hey.
- Hello. I'm glad you're both here.

We have news.

I'm moving in with Niles.

MARTIN:
Oh.

That is a big decision. My goodness.

MARTIN: Yeah.
FRASIER: Congratulations.

Wow. It's not gonna be the same
around here without you.

[PHONE RINGING]

Don't worry, I'll still be around
plenty, even if I'm not living here.

Hello? Oh, Mum.

Yeah, I'm sorry,
I've been meaning to call,

but Dr. Crane yells at me
whenever I phone long distance.

- I do not.
- Let her say whatever she needs to.

Yeah, and poor old Mr. Crane.
He's so feeble

he can't even make it to the loo
by himself.

- Hey!
[MOUTHS] Sorry.

Can you believe it?

I am actually going to be living under
the same roof with the woman I adore.

If you'd told me that this was gonna
happen, I'd have said you were crazy.

I know exactly how you feel.

You know, I used to think that Cam
Winston's SUV was immovable.

And now look at me.

Well, I think this calls
for a celebration.

- How about some champagne?
- Oh, stay there, I'll get the Dom.

Well, it's the end of an era.

Yeah. It's been the three of us
under this roof for nine years.

Do you remember when Daphne
first came here?

She was so young and na?ve.

I didn't think she'd last a week.

Yet she somehow managed
to forge a relationship

with a blustery psychiatrist
and a crotchety old man.

And with me too.

Yes, Dad, with you too.

Well, we knew
she wouldn't be around forever,

but I never would've guessed
she'd end up with Niles.

I know.

He's come so far
since the dark days of Maris and Mel.

Well, I guess from now on
it's just you and I.

You and me, Dad.

This is gonna be great.

- So, Niles, when is moving day?
- As soon as possible.

Once we made the decision,
neither of us wants to waste a second.

- Well, the move's off.
- What?

Just temporarily.
My parents are coming for a visit.

Well, what does that have to do
with us living together?

Well, I just think, with all the confusion
there is involved with a move,

it's best if we wait
till after they leave.

Or we could call a mover

and have your stuff
over at my place by tomorrow.

And your parents could stay with us.

Oh, Niles, that is so sweet.
I know they'll love that.

But I think I should wait
until after their visit to move.

- Daphne, what's going on?
- Nothing.

I just think... Well, why rush?

Moving is something to be enjoyed.

So just to clarify,
you're going to stay here,

but your parents
are going to stay with me?

I'm so glad you understand.

[MOUTHS]
What happened?

I hope Daphne's not having trouble
with their luggage.

I should have gone with her
to the airport.

What kind of impression
does it make that I didn't go?

- She didn't want you to go with her.
- What does that say?

FRASIER:
Niles, will you relax?

You always
make a good first impression.

Second. The first I made
when I kidnapped their daughter

from her wedding.

Oh, God,
where are my crab croquettes?

- In the warming oven.
- They'll dry out.

- I'll serve them.
NILES: They'll get cold.

Oh! I don't know. I don't know.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Now! Now! Crab croquettes!

Dad, Dad, it's showtime.
Keep your wits about you.

Right, I'll just follow your lead.

Oh, Mrs. Moon. Welcome. Come in.

- Mum, you remember Niles?
- Of course.

You know, I was quite cross with you

when you stole my daughter
away from that rich lawyer,

but from the looks of this place,
you do all right.

NILES:
Oh. Heh.

Uh, nice to see you again, Mrs. Moon.
Martin Crane.

Oh, of course.

You're the one who's kind enough
to keep my daughter employed.

It's not kindness.
She does a great job.

Well, she does what she can
with what God gave her.

Um, where's Mr. Moon?

Oh. Well, actually there's been
a slight change of plans.

Hello, hello.

- Simon!
- Simon?

MARTIN: Buddy, how you doing?
- Well, I'm thirsty for a start.

Then let's care of that.

Oh, I could use a tiny nip
of something myself.

What is your brother doing here?

My dad couldn't make it,
so Mum brought him instead.

Why? Why didn't your dad come?

I don't know.
I'm disappointed, but I'm not surprised.

- Dad doesn't like to travel.
- Why not?

You know, that flight
made my feet swell up

like a couple of Christmas hams.

Oh, Simon, give them a rub.

I rubbed them halfway
across the Atlantic.

Hey, Fras, I got an idea.
Why doesn't Simon stay with us?

Oh, oh.

That's very kind of you, Marty.

Yes, well, it is, except it's...

Uh, well, I think
there'll be more room here at Niles'.

Oh. Yes, although Frasier's apartment
is, uh, closer to a pizza restaurant.

Yes, but Niles'
is closer to a liquor mart.

Now, now, now, I don't want you boys
fighting over me.

Dad, how many channels
does that satellite of yours get?

- Five hundred.
- We have a winner.

Uh, Mum, your room's gonna be
down that hallway on the left

if you'd like to freshen up.

Oh, look who's the lady of the house.

Spend a lot of time here, do you?

Are you kidding?
She probably had it off in every room.

Simon Moon, bite your tongue.

My baby girl's a virgin.

Isn't that so, Daphne?

Of course, Mum.

It's you who'll have your leg
over any filth that moves.

I don't care if they're moving.

[GERTRUDE LAUGHING]

Um, Daphne, could I see you in
the kitchen for just a sec? Excuse us.

Should we stop at the supermarket
on the way home?

I'm very fond of those ham-and-cheese
Hot Pockets that you had last year.

Oh, I keep those stocked.

Everything's just like you remember.

Well, there has been one small
change. The liquor cabinet has a lock.

Yeah. Well, my new moped
had a lock too. Ha-ha!

My mother is very old-fashioned.

But if she thinks you're a virgin,

how are you going to explain
our plan to live together?

I wonder how important it is
that she ever finds out.

What are you saying?
We're just not gonna tell her?

Well, I can still get my mail
at your brother's,

and my phone messages.
And we can screen calls here.

That's ridiculous. We're adults.
We're not gonna sneak around.

Well, it's not forever.

Mum's getting on in years,
and she smokes like a chimney.

[OVEN DINGS]

Your mother really thinks
you're still a virgin?

Niles, who cares what Mum thinks?

- Daphne.
- Fresh.

Hey, you better not let Frasier see you
wipe your hands on the couch.

He's mad enough that you ate
that stuff he puts on his face.

I'm telling you, it was marmalade.

Do you mind? Feet off the furniture.

You heard, Eddie. Get off. Go on.

- He's talking to you.
- Ooh!

Daphne, dear, I've finally figured out
what's wrong with your outfit.

It's made for a smaller woman.

Now, hold on. I was there
when she picked out that outfit.

- I think it's abso...
ROZ: Thanks for dinner.

That was really great.

You're welcome.
Uh, well, the best is still ahead.

Wait till you taste the apple crisp
that Daphne made for dessert.

ROZ:
Mm.

Is that that delicious apple thing
with the crispy bits on top?

We still have ice cream.

Well, well,
this is getting embarrassing.

- Simon, how could you?
- Well, the ice cream was Marty's idea.

Only the first bowl.

Daphne,
don't go picking on your brother.

I'll just have my tea.

Niles, be a dear
and get me a pillow for my head.

And I wouldn't get too settled in.

You'll need to take me home soon
so I can take my medicine.

I thought I suggested
you bring that with you.

Daphne, dear, aren't you lucky
to be dating a man who's always right?

I'll just go put the kettle on.

Mum, I wish you'd stop
bossing everyone around.

Oh, oh, oh. Listen to my silly girl.

If she knew how to deal with men,
she'd have a husband by now.

Pillow for you, dear. Here you go.

Just rest your head, and I'll, uh, see
how Frasier's doing with the kettle.

Rose, you're looking fit.

You know, I'd have gone too
if I'd known you were going to dinner.

I hope you've left room for afters.

[ROZ SCOFFS]

I have a boyfriend now, Simon.
So you can just lay off.

You what?

I thought you would wait
for my return.

Oh, well. Let's have another go, then,
for old times' sake.

- We never had a go.
- We didn't?

Who was that, then?

For the last five days that woman
has made my life a living hell.

You wanna trade?

Simon put my 65-dollar apricot
skin polish on his muffins.

Simon is a boor,
but at least he's not cruel.

You hear the way she talks to Daphne,
and Daphne just takes it.

Well, it's understandable, Niles.

I mean, after all,
she only sees her mother rarely.

I suppose it's just easier
to bite her tongue

than to engage
in some kind of ugly confrontation.

Well, maybe so, but it's just frustrating
to see Daphne so timid.

I wish she'd stand up for herself,
stand up for us.

Or I'll tell you, if she doesn't,
I just might.

Well, I'm sure she will
when the time is right.

Meanwhile, they are her family,
and our guests.

Let's remember that.

SIMON: Oi, Frasier,
can I use this as an ashtray?

Son of a bitch!

FRASIER:
Do not use that. Please.

Here, here.

GERTRUDE:
An empty can?

I would have thought,
with all your fancy dingle-dangles,

you'd have something nicer
for your guests who smoke.

Well, customarily, my guests
who smoke do so on the balcony.

This is lovely, thank you.

Ugh. Do you mind?

Oh, come on, Rose, we both know
that this boyfriend thing is a ruse.

You don't have to play hard to get
with me.

I really do have a boyfriend.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- What's his name?
- Roger.

- What colour is his hair?
- Brown.

- What's his name?
- Roger.

Is that the name you just said
a minute ago?

- I think Eddie could use a walk.
- I could use one too.

- I'm just going across the street...
- Yeah, that's great. I'd love to.

You know, I have an idea.

- Let's have a toast.
- Well, it's about bloody time.

To my very favourite couple,
Niles and Daphne.

You don't know my brother very well,
Mrs. Moon,

but I assure you, he and your daughter
share a boundless love.

One that is sure to endure
as long as that of my parents'

and of yours and your husband's.

[SOBBING]

Well, now you've dropped a clanger.

- What is it, Mum?
- Oh, tell them, Simon.

Ugh. Dad scarpered.

- He left?
SIMON: Yeah.

It's true.

Dear God, I do apologise.

Oh, Mum, it can't be.

I'm sure he just got sidetracked
on his way home from the pub.

Well, I thought that myself
for the first week.

But, no, he's gone for good.

Oh, don't worry, Mum. Everything
will be all right when we get home.

What's left for me there?
An empty house full of memories?

No, I'd rather stay right here
in the company of my babies.

Thank goodness I have my children
to lean upon.

Oh, don't cry, Mum.

I really thought this junket to America
would cheer you up.

Well, it still can. Go away.

I mean, get out there
and see the country.

Yes, that is a splendid idea.

This land is rich
with snow-covered mountains,

sun-kissed beaches,

wild, untamed rivers, and a warm,
loving people ready to embrace you.

Immerse yourself in the spectacle
and the grandeur

that are these United States,
this America.

How did you do that?

[GASPS]

Cam Winston!