Frasier (1993–2004): Season 9, Episode 1 - Don Juan in Hell: Part 1 - full transcript

I'm crazy about you.

I just started to feel
like you didn't want

to be here with me.

Oh, gosh, nothing

could be further from the truth.

I tell you something
else... I'm happy.

I'm glad, Frasier.

I'm happy, too.

I'm on vacation with
my girlfriend Claire,

a woman who by all conventional
measures is perfect for me,

and yet I've just had
a vivid sexual dream



about someone who
differs from her entirely.

It's a woman named Lana.

Excuse me, but why do I
have to sit in the backseat?

Seriously,

my legs are starting to cramp.

Look here, seriously,
why is she here at all?

I have just as much
right to be here as you.

"Here" doesn't
mean the front seat.

All right, listen, ladies,
we got about an hour to go.

I would like to
have a little quiet.

I'm going to turn on some music.

Morning, gang.

Hi, Niles. Hello.

How's my natural man? Mmm...



As hungry as I am hairy.

No kidding. That
goatee sure came in fast.

I know.

I credit the hothouse atmosphere

of this tropical paradise.

That and our nearly
constant nudity.

Gone is the citified
dandy of just last week.

In his place stands
a feral Caliban,

a sandy-bottomed Dionysus,

a lusty, insatiable...

Ooh, scones.

Here is your special order.

Thank you.

I'm starving.

Claire and I have been
up fishing since 5:00 a, m.

You've already got more fish
than we could eat in a year.

Well, we didn't just
fish. We went for a swim

we explored some caves

and watched a
school of dolphins.

But the best part was
when he taught me

how to hypnotize a lobster.

You what?

It's all in the eyes.

Hey, Marty, try this.

Mm.

Mmm! Not bad.

Hey, Niles, try this pancake.

Claire had them crumble
the bacon right into the batter.

Oh, I... I don't
really like pancakes.

Well, that's 'cause you're
used to Daphne's. Here.

Oh, those are magnificent!

Claire invented them.

Yes, no doubt on the seventh
day while you were resting.

Good morning, all.

Hi, Fras. Hi, Fras.

Hello, my sweet, darling man.

Hello, kiddo.

Have they found your
luggage yet, Dr. Crane?

Ha! Fat chance.

Souvenir of your stay?

Oh, sure.

Oh, yeah, by all means.

This is a bunch to remember.

It's not a vacation

till Dad's taken a picture
of one of his meals.

Very good. Thank you very much.

Well done.

You can pick them
up at the front desk.

Thank you.

Well, sorry to run off, but
I have to finish packing.

I'll see you up in the room.

Okay.

Bye. Bye. Oh, she's
a real find, Fras.

Yes, she is, isn't she?

Oh, excuse me.

Do you think we could
have another picture

of just the family?

No problem. Thank you.

Well, what about Claire?

She's practically family.

Oh, very much so, but there
may come a time when...

say, she isn't.

Thank you again.

Oh, hey, we'd better
get going, Daph.

We got fish to pack.

Oh, and I didn't fillet
them because Claire said

you can use the heads for soup.

Well, when I'm chopping
them up, I'll be thinking of her.

Niles, listen,

I didn't want to say
anything in front of the others,

but I find myself in
a bit of a quandary.

Well, it's not so much
a quandary, really,

it's more of a pickle.

Not so much a pickle, but...
no more than a, a, a cornichon.

What is it?

I think I want to be
with Lana, not Claire.

Forgive me, Frasier,

but that's one
big-ass cornichon.

I know, I know.

I'm having a perfectly
wonderful time with Claire.

It's just that my mind
keeps drifting back to Lana.

For God's sake, why?

She's loud, she's crass...

Yes, yes, but she's also

challenging, sexy and exciting.

I'm just afraid I may have
let go of that too hastily.

Frasier, you do this every time.

You're in a great
relationship with Claire.

Don't overthink it. Embrace it.

You're right, Niles.

Thank you.

Yes, I should
just go with it, huh.

Gosh, I don't know
what's wrong with me.

I don't know why
I... I keep insisting

on overanalyzing everything.

Because you're
crazy, that's why.

Claire's perfect for you

but I like her, too.

How many times does that happen?

But what about Lana?

Oh, forget Lana.

Stay with Claire.

Stay with Claire.

Stay with Claire.

Dad, I am not a lobster.

Of course I'm going
to stay with Claire.

I'm just going through
some momentary doubts

and I needed your guidance.

Glad you got what you needed.

Thank you.

I feel completely at ease now.

No more doubts. No
more nagging questions.

I'm just being a little
overly cautious, that's all.

Who could blame you?

I'm not sure about
Claire, either.

God knows she has got
quite the fan club around here,

but I think you
can do much better.

You'll know when you
meet the right person.

You feel it in your gut.

It's true.

But you see...

I don't want to feel
like I'm leading her on.

Maybe I should just tell
her what I'm going through,

you know, be completely honest.

Whoa, that's just what
you don't want to do.

So, you vote for Claire?

I don't know. Lana
has her good points.

And don't underestimate

the crush you had
on her in 11th grade.

But Claire can give you
sophisticated conversation

and she leaves a clean area.

I don't envy your choice.

Lift your feet, please.

Excuse me, miss,
you have the time?

Yes, it's... Niles?

Yeah, mon.

Y-You look...

Did you get hit on the
head by a coconut?

The coconut of revelation.

I discovered a whole
new side of myself in Belize

and I'm not going to
abandon Island Niles

just 'cause my vacation's over.

Well, Island Niles might
want to rethink the short pants.

Island Niles would prefer
not to wear pants at all.

You should have seen us, Roz.

Out in the elements,

nothing on our bodies
but sunblock 120.

It was exhilarating
and primal and...

frankly, it's disappointing
to have to strap myself

back into these fabric shackles.

So you're going to be
spending all your time

at the nude beach now?

Seattle has a nude beach?

Well, not officially.

But just south of Alki,

there's this little strip
near the lighthouse.

Thanks for the tip, Roz.

Here's another one:
Don't go on Thursdays.

It's Senior Volleyball Day.

Oh, well, Roz, I see
you've met Island Niles.

At least he did you the courtesy

of putting a shirt on.

I'm still not
wearing underpants.

Hang loose.

May I have a latte, please?

Well, Roz, you'll
be pleased to know

I have come to a decision.

Claire it is. So long, Lana.

Are you sure? Trust me, Roz.

The brain is racked,
the soul is searched,

the window is closed.
Claire in; Lana out.

I'm glad to hear it.

Yes. LANA: Hey, Roz.

Hi, Frasier.

Lana, uh, hi.

Uh... hello.

Wow, you look great.

Not as great as you do.

I mean, thanks.

Hey, Roz.

Kirby.

It's been too long.

No, it hasn't.

Or has it?

No.

So, what brings you here?

Well, actually, we just
picked up the invitations

for Kirby's graduation party.

Oh. Roz, you're invited, too.

After all, you
motivated Kirby to study.

Well, no, I mean, Frasier
was the one who helped him.

I was just his
last-minute prom date.

You were the prize
that I kept my eyes on.

And, uh, for your FYI,
I'm cool for hanging out

just as platatonic
friends or whatever.

Um, Kirby,

we should go if we're
going to pick up your inhaler.

Thanks a lot, Mom.

I only need it in the fall.

Well, we'll see
you at the party.

Right.

Hey, Frasier, don't
you be a stranger.

Oh, no, I-I won't.

Uh, don't you be
a stranger, either...

to me.

Let me guess.

Lana in; Claire out.

What, that? Oh,
that was nothing.

She just merely
caught me off guard.

Don't go reading
anything into that.

Okay, if you say so.

Listen, Frasier, I got
to go. Oh, all right.

But let not either
us be strangers... be.

Oh, I apologize for
the inconvenience,

but, uh, at least there's
a happy ending, right?

And my suitcase... is
inside this to keep it safe?

So...

That is not my bag.

Right. I'll keep looking.

Have you been waiting here long?

Time is irrelevant

here in the Seventh
Circle of Hell.

A place where even despair dies.

Prepare yourself
for a lifetime...

Oh, here it is. Oh.

How nice for you.

Hey, you're Dr. Frasier
Crane, aren't you?

I'm a big fan.

Oh, it's always
nice to meet a fan.

Yeah, thanks.

Hey, do you give advice,
you know, off the clock?

Well, this isn't
really a good time.

Because I've really gotten
my life into a tangle. I'm sorry...

No, but you see, I'm torn
between these two women.

I'm listening.

I'm with this woman,
her name's Kathy.

She's great, but
the only problem is,

I can't stop thinking
about my ex.

I mean, she was a real
handful, but now that we're apart,

I just miss her like crazy.

Of course you do.

And no matter how hard you try

to-to focus on this
new relationship,

your mind keeps
drifting back to her.

Exactly. I mean, I
even have these, um...

Dreams! Yes.

Wow, you're good.
What should I do?

Well, what are you
thinking of doing?

Classic shrink response.

Um, I'm thinking,
"Do I really want

to break things off
with this woman?"

Who you thought
was so perfect for you.

Okay, but how
perfect could she be

if I'm obsessing
about another woman?

That's the conundrum!

I know, but am I sure
enough to break her heart?

Especially when the rest
of the family just loves her.

Yeah... No, they don't.

All right, stick with
me. stick with me.

It all boils down to this:

Which of these two
women do you see spending

the rest of your life with?

Right. Right, of course.

I think it's pretty obvious
what I have to do.

What a relief.

Thanks, Doc.

Wait! Wait! Let's go back.

Just so I'm sure you're sure.

Yeah.

Who are you picking?

My ex.

I mean, if I'm really
honest with myself,

she's the one I love.

As long as I stay with
Kathy, I'm just being a jerk.

Well, to be fair you have
struggled with these issues.

No, I've really just been trying
to have my cake and eat it, too.

Thanks, Dr. Crane.

I know what I have to do now.

I'm sorry I'm a little late.

I'll start your
lunch right away.

Oh, no need.

Claire made the best
deviled ham sandwich

in the history of deviling.

Oh, too bad I missed her.

Mm, more good news.

She's still here.

Here you go, Marty.

Oh, thanks, toots.

Claire...

I can't imagine you
came all the way over here

just to make sandwiches.

Oh, no. Here, let me take those.

I'm making fish jerky.

You know the secret to making
fish jerky, don't you, Marty?

No idea.

Feed them coffee.

Feed them...?

That's terrific.

You hear that, Daph?

I'm standing right here.

Don't you love her laugh?

It's like music.

Marty, you are
just the sweetest.

You used to think my accent

sounded musical,
didn't you... Marty?

Yeah, but now I'm used to it.

Afternoon, Daphne, Dad.

Niles.

What happened to
my noble savage?

I'll tell you what happened.

Roz told me about this
wonderful nude beach.

So I went down
there this morning

to check it out for us.

It was so peaceful, I decided
to do my sunrise tai-chi,

have my naked body caressed

by the rosy fingers of
the new dawn... you know.

Oh, geez.

Well, I left my clothing
and my cares in the car,

walked down to the
beach and settled in

for my first exercise...
"Grasping the Bird's Tail."

Just at that moment,

the sun peeked over
the mountaintops,

illuminating not only
my splendid nakedness

but the bus for the
Christian Women's Society.

They went to a nude beach?

No, and neither did I.

The next few minutes are a blur

as I zigzagged my
way back to the car

while being pelted

with driftwood and Bibles.

Needless to say, Island
Niles died on that beach.

Oh, honey.

Will he ever be back?

Maybe at Christmas.

Hello, all.

Oh, Niles, welcome back.

Hi, Frasier.

Claire.

Did you get your luggage?

Um, no.

They didn't have it.

Uh... could I see you in
the kitchen for a minute?

Sure.

Okay, Mr. Crane, it's
time for your exercises.

Already did them.

When have you ever done
your exercises before lunch?

Claire and I did them together.

She has a way of making
them seem like fun.

Yeah, well, if they're fun
they're not really working,

but all right.

Actually, Claire says...

Oh, shut up.

If we need privacy,

it's either very
good or very bad.

Well, it's, it's not
so good, I'm afraid.

I realize this is sudden...

It's just that I've been
tossing and turning

for the last several days

and I just can't
keep going like this.

What are you talking about?

Well, Claire, I'm
talking about...

parting ways.

I'm sorry.

It's over?

Just like that?

Claire, I realize

how painful this
must be for you.

Ow!

You kicked me!

Well, you dumped me!

I said I was sorry.

Ow!

Well, I guess I'll go home
and take down the hammock.

I love you, darling.

I love you, too.

Hello.

Hello, Roz.

The wrong beach, really?
Thanks for the warning.

That would have
been embarrassing.

Well, see you later.

Well, actually you won't.

Frasier just dumped me.

What?

What happened?

I honestly don't know.

I was having such a good time

and now I'm out here.

I don't even know
what went wrong.

Oh, um...

I'm sorry.

I really liked him.

I liked all of you so much.

I was starting to feel
like part of the family.

I was...

hoping we'd end up like sisters.

Sisters?

I never had a sister.

Just brothers.

Same here.

What the hell happened?

Claire just ran out of here

without even saying good-bye.

We broke up.

What?!

Well, I broke up with her.

You are a piece
of work, aren't you?

You just couldn't stand
a good thing, could you?

I bet you were planning
on this since Belize.

I have not.

Ah, don't give me that.

You did the same
thing you always do.

You go around asking
everybody's advice,

then you just do whatever
the hell you want...

And it's usually
wrong, by the way.

Look, I was just being
true to my feelings, Dad.

There's no reason
to be mad at me.

I'm not mad at you.

I'm mad at myself.

I knew this was coming
and I let myself get attached.

Well, I'm sorry, Dad.

Claire's great.

It's just she's not the
right person for me.

Daphne knows.

Will you tell him?

Ow!

Would you people
stop doing that!

Oh...

Oh, come in.

Oh, you didn't have to do this.

I told you.

Well, all right.

I sense a scholar in our midst.

Ha, ha! Congratulations, Kirby.

Let's see the sheepskin.

Dude, wait until the
party gets going a little.

Good thinking.

I'll just see what
your mother's doing.

Hey, Roz.

Kirby.

Got our prom pictures back.

Had them retouched a little.

You're smiling in them now.

I noticed you also have
your hand on my ass.

Where?

Oh, you mean now.

Do you not like it?

You know, I'm
having a devil of a time

with this-this cheese can.

Well, you just hold
the nozzle close

to the crackers

so you make a
little flower like this.

Here, try one.

Mmm.

Well, I can honestly say

that is the best canned
cheese I've ever had.

Well, listen, there's something

I'd like to talk with you about.

If this is about Claire,

I already know.

Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.

It's just... Frasier.

She's a perfectly
wonderful girl...

You don't have
to explain it to me.

I mean, sometimes
you just don't feel it.

That's okay.

Really?

I thought you'd be mad at me.

Well, why would I be mad?

I mean, it's not like
I get a commission

on every match I make.

So we're okay?

Well, sure, we're okay.

We're better than okay.

Right.

Better than okay.

You total slut!

Oh... Oh, no. Roz. Uh...

You told me not to come

because this is just going to be

some boring party
with your mom's friends.

Roz is my mom's friend.

She was your prom date!

Damn, baby, why
you got to be this way?

I'm trying to show you respect

by keeping you from
seeing my other lady.

I was never his lady.

Damn, baby, that's cold.

She's old enough to be
your mother, practically.

Damn, baby, now, that's cold.

Whatever.

Wow. That did not go so great.

Well, those things
rarely do, Kirby.

Hey, buddy.

Dad, you're here.

Oh, I wouldn't
miss it for anything.

Where's Mom? I really
need to talk to her.

I'll go get her. Okay.

Wow. Small world.

What are you doing here?

So how do you know Kirby?

Well, I was his tutor.

Yow, how much I
owe you for that?

No, no. It was a
pleasure really.

So you're Kirby's dad...

Lana's ex who...

ran off with the
dental hygienist.

But you can call me Bob.

I take it Lana filled you
in about our divorce.

Yes, well, I was a
shoulder for her, briefly.

You know, I think she's
completely over you now.

I hope not. I mean I
really want her back.

I'll do whatever it takes to
show her I'm a changed man.

Listen, Bob...

I-I don't think that's
a very good idea.

Well, but you
said at the airport...

Yes, I know, I... Oh, Roz.

Roz, listen, I'd like
you to meet, uh, Bob.

Bob, this is Roz Doyle,
the brilliant producer

of my radio show.

Well, gee, thanks, Frasier.

Of course, beauty
and brains, huh?

Who said God doesn't
give with both hands?

And, Roz, I-I believe

if I'm not mistaken
that you're, uh...

available right now?

Maybe.

So what brings you
to this little soirée?

Well, I'm Kirby's
dad and Lana's ex,

although hopefully not for long.

Thanks to this man,

I've decided to follow my heart

and come back for
the woman I really love.

Oh, really?

Kirby...

what is it?

You'll see. You'll see.

Oh, crap!

Well... there goes that.

You gave it your best try, Bob.

In the words of Tennyson...

Bob?

Damn!

You jerk. I am not some man bait

that you can just set
out whenever it suits you.

I know, I know, I'm sorry,
Roz. I was desperate.

For God's sakes, I just
ended things with Claire

and now I'm here to pursue
Lana and then he shows up.

Everything's ruined.

Why don't you just leave!

You're good at that!

Just go!

I'll call you later, son.

Can't quit now, Dad.

If you're going to come back,

you got to get used
to her screaming.

You know, as ugly as that was,

things couldn't have
worked out any better for you.

I mean, she's vulnerable,
there's a full bar

she's already in the bedroom.

Almost takes
the sport out of it.

I know you must be upset, Kirby.

The guy just
wants to talk to her

and she gets completely bent.

I know.

I know it's a cliché, okay.

I just, I really want my
parents to get back together.

I wish I could help.

You could talk to my mother.

You could tell her to
give him another chance.

Oh, I... I don't think
I'm the guy for that job.

Talking to people is your job.

You could try.

No, I can't.

Can't?

I seem to recall a
young pupil named Kirby.

He said "I can't"
nary but months ago.

But a certain man
named Dr. Frasier Crane

taught that pupil that he can do

whatever he sets his mind to.

And the name of
that man was you.

Well...

Bob's left.

Are you all right?

I have waited over a year for
that man to come back to me

and when I finally
get to the point

where I never want
to see him again,

he walks through the door.

But you're... you're
stronger now.

It'd take a lot more than just
showing up to change your mind.

To be fair, he did
try to apologize.

I mean what else can he do?

He can't take the
whole last year back.

No, he can't.

Can I ask you something?

In your opinion
as a psychiatrist,

once you've lost trust,
can you ever get it back?

Well, it would take work...

A lot of work.

Think about it, Lana.

You could have a
whole new life now.

I could.

I'm just so confused.

Frasier, you are the only man

I can trust right now.

Tell me what to do.

Well...

the truth is...

that you wouldn't
be having this crisis

if you didn't still
have feelings for Bob.

You should talk to him.

You owe it to yourself
to hear him out.

Mm...

I just want you
to know, Frasier,

that no matter what happens,
you are a really good...

Don't... don't use the "F" word.

I wasn't about to.

I was going to
say we're friends.

Great pot roast, Daph.

Wow, thanks, Mr. Crane.

I used turnips and
pearl onions for the gr...

Oh, what's the use?

This place will never be
the same without Claire.

We all miss her, Dad.

No one misses her more than me.

She could've been
the sister I never had.

You think we can call her?

What would we say?

She's probably out on a
date with somebody else.

Well, maybe not.

Let's just see if she's home.

Put it on speaker.

You do the talking.

No. Daphne should.

I don't know what to say.

Hello?

Hello?

Well, that was childish.

She star 69'd us.
Don't answer it.

Have you all gone deaf?

Isn't someone
going to answer that?

You're up.

Hello?

Claire.

I did not call you,
you called me.

I did not. I did not!

I did...

Hello?

What was that all about?

Beats me, she always
was a little nutty.

Hey, how did
things go with Lana?

Oh...

I think she's going
back to her ex-husband.

He showed up at the party.

I ended up counseling her
to give him a second chance.

It was the noble thing to do,

although my honor won't
keep me warm at night.

Guess it just
wasn't meant to be.

But don't give up.

There's a lid for every pot.

Mm, that's right.

Good things come
to those who wait.

And there's plenty
of fish in the sea.

Dear God, I will choke
on another platitude.

Please...

Can't you think of something
helpful to say for once?

Well, I'm sorry if the
material isn't fresh anymore.

It's not easy coming
up with happy talk

every time you can't
make it work with a woman.

Every time I can't make
it work with a woman?

That's right. We wouldn't
be in this situation

if you hadn't
blown it with Claire.

Is that so?!

Do you all feel this way?

I'll clear. I'll help.

I see.

My own family has turned
on me in my darkest hour.

After a day of personal torment

I stagger homeward chapfallen,

in search of

comfort in the
bosom of my family.

But do they indulge me
and permit me to suckle?

No, instead they...

Well, I've said my piece.

Hello?

Yes, hi, Niles.

Listen, I'm fine, actually.

I, I just need a
little time alone.

Yes, I'll, I'll see
you in a day or two.

No, there's no
need to put Dad on.

He's already consoled
me enough as it is.

Every time I can't "make
it work with a woman."

What the hell does he know?

He's not wrong, Frasier.

Yes, he is.

It wasn't that I couldn't
make it work with Lana.

I simply stepped aside

when the father of
her children showed up

like the decent
human being I am.

And... speaking on behalf
of your subconscious...

Because you realized
the relationship

was destined to fail.

And why would that be?

Lana could've
been perfect for me.

Is that something you
just say out of habit now?

No.

Because two weeks ago
the title belonged to Claire.

Claire was perfect.

I just wasn't in love with her.

The heart has a mind
of its own, they say.

Or perhaps she wasn't
needy enough for you.

You have been
known to love a project.

Oh, please.

I have never found neediness

to be an attractive
quality in a woman.

Never?

Never.

Neediness was the very
reason it didn't work with Diane.

Specifically, her need...

for another man.

But you were
attracted to her initially

because her weakness allowed you

to play the role
of noble rescuer.

E-Excuse me,

I have to object to
the word "weakness."

I was challenging,
yet vulnerable,

which is why Frasier saw me

as the perfect woman
for him, still does.

I do not.

Then why am I in the car?

Perhaps you
represent a happier time

in my life.

Frasier, do you remember the
time we drove down the Cape

and had a lobster
picnic on the bluff?

We had nothing to
crack open the claws,

so Frasier put them in a bag
and ran over them with the car.

That didn't work either.

We gave up and made
glorious love in the dunes.

Wait a minute.

Wasn't that me?

Right, that was you.

Well, then what do I represent?

I don't know and I don't care.

If you don't mind,
I'd like a little peace.

Oh, dear God, not her.

That person's not wearing shoes.

That's Nanette.

His first wife.

She's going to get hookworm.

He's obviously dredging up

past relationships in
order to identify a pattern.

Why, Frasier Crane,

you were a hippie.

I was 20.

That was during my
impulsive, rebellious phase.

Oh, pick her up.

You can't ignore her.

She's not a part of
who I am anymore.

Do you remember that song?

Apparently, I do.

He composed it in college.

It's how we met.

He wrote it as a poem
and was reciting it one night

at The Human Collective

when I joined in with my guitar.

Would you like to hear it?

No.

Yes, please. Oh, yes.

It's called "Bangladesh:
Dhaka Before the Dawn."

♪ I dreamt that I was
riding a candy unicorn ♪

♪ As I went to meet my lady ♪

♪ In the dewdrop
crystal morn... ♪

The Bangladesh part's coming.

Oh.

Solitude.

This is what I needed.

Perhaps,

but to quote Lord Byron,

"It is in solitude where
we are least alone."

Smells like dirt
out there. Whoa.

Before Frasier sold out,

we always dreamed of
having a home like this,

where we'd be
surrounded by nature

and need only the
food that we grew

and the shelter of
each other's arms.

It's amazing that
marriage didn't work out.

She was probably
great in the sack.

Actually, I made a lot
of distracting noises.

All right, all right.

This has been a lot of fun

but what's it going to take

to get you people
out of my head?

Well, a little
self-examination might do it.

Fine.

I'm a failure in love.

I failed with all of you.

I failed with Lana
and with Claire

and with countless
others in between. Happy?

Failure is a
result, not a cause.

What's at the core?

Perhaps there is no core.

Maybe fate is just
conspiring against me.

Did you ever think of that?

No. There's no
such thing as fate.

Ha! If that were true,

there'd be no such
thing as astrology.

More avoidance,
Frasier... Try to focus.

I just had a thought.

Maybe it isn't Frasier's fault.

Oh, denial. How nice to see you.

Frasier.

Hmm?

It's your women.

We leave you.
It's in our nature.

I left you.

Yes. You did.

You left me for Sam.

I left Sam, too.

Diane, we're
talking about Frasier.

When we're inside your
head, we'll talk about you.

I'm just saying that
his women leave.

You did, too.

So did I.

That's right. You all did.

Oh, and poor Frasier,
and you keep on trying.

He can't help it.

He's a hopeless romantic.

Frasier, when are
you going to learn?

♪ Falling in love with love is
falling for make-believe... ♪

♪ Falling in love with... ♪ What's
wrong with following your heart?

Just because we left him

doesn't mean the perfect woman

isn't out there somewhere.

That's the problem.

Frasier thinks every
woman is the perfect woman

until he finds the
deal-breaking flaw.

It's...

Can you make that stop?

I'm sorry, it's
stuck in my head.

♪ I realized that I
was unable to sing... ♪

Thank you.

It's that quest for perfection

which ultimately defeats you

because the perfect
woman does not exist.

Speak for yourself.

Mother.

For such a short trip,

you sure brought
a lot of baggage.

What are you doing here?

You have to ask?
You're a Freudian.

Frasier, you've
spent your whole life

trying to replace me,

but it's completely
understandable...

I was your first love.

Ladies...

Meet the competition.

This is the woman against whom

we have all been measured.

Girls, will you please be quiet?

Mother is speaking.

So, a lifetime of
collecting women

and this is the
cream of the crop...

The slacker, the
barmaid and the icicle.

I was so relieved
when they left you.

You left him, too.

Oh, I had no choice.

Perhaps you heard?

I died.

Now, let's

get down to work, shall we?

We were doing perfectly
well before you got here.

Well, if your
bargain-basement psychiatry

was so effective,

why did he have to
call in the big guns?

Now...

Let's explore the inner
recesses of your psyche

like we did when you were a boy.

I don't want to.

Perhaps we should
start with the premise

set forth in the
definitive study

done by Harland and Watkins.

Oh, excuse me, but
the definitive study

was done ten years
later at Cambridge.

Oh, excuse me for not keeping
up... I was busy being dead.

That's her excuse
for everything.

Don't you have a
tambourine to bang?

Don't feel bad.

She tried to kill me once.

Oh, not this paranoia again.

You had a gun.

Now, Frasier,
don't listen to them.

These women are
all liars and cheaters.

I'm the only woman

you can trust.

You're a fine one to talk.

You cheated on Martin.

Oh, that's none of
your beeswax, Missy.

Oh, betrayal by the mother.

Is there any deeper wound?

I'd say sleeping
with his brother

is right up there.

You did?

Oh...

Oh, I could see that.

Don't even think
about my baby like that.

You can't control her thoughts.

Oh, shut up, you're a whore.

Oh! You're a hypocrite.

Whore. Hypocrite.

Whore.

Hypocrite. You're
all hypocrites.

And you're all whores!

Stop it. Stop.

Stop it. Stop it.

Don't you see what he's doing?

He's pitting us
against each other

in order to avoid the
real conflict within himself.

We must work together.

I agree.

So, now, Frasier...

What is the problem?

Why can't you make
it work with a woman?

Is it because they leave you?

Have you stopped

listening to your heart?

Is it your unrealistic
expectations?

I don't know.

Leave me alone!

I don't want to do this!

Hey, Frasier.

Hi, Frasier. Hi.

What is it?

It's every woman
I've ever dated.

What am I going to do?

Now, son.

I know this is
frightening for you

but you have to do the work.

Yes. Okay.

Okay.

Fine.

All right.

I... I screwed
things up with Lana.

Wait, th-that wasn't my fault.

She was still in love
with her ex-husband.

No, Lana is not the problem.

No, she wasn't
right for you at all.

Oh, Mother, you would say that.

You never approved of
any of my relationships.

Don't pin this on
me. I liked Claire.

Oh, she was wonderful for you.

Everybody thought so.

So why didn't it work out?

Maybe because she
was just right for you.

What does that mean?

Well, Claire was
everything we ever looked for

in a woman.

And that terrified you.

Because, inevitably,
she would have left you.

And so, of course, you ran away.

No, no, no... I-I left Claire

because I discovered
I had feelings for Lana.

You created feelings for Lana.

Who was extremely flawed.

So you'd have an
excuse to leave Claire.

I didn't need an
excuse. I didn't love her.

You didn't want to love her.

She was too good.

And that's why you were afraid.

All right. You're saying

that I'm afraid of a good woman?

You're afraid of
losing a good woman.

Again.

So that's it.

All this work just
to find out that I...

have a fear of rejection?

That's right.

So I'm alone...

because I'm afraid to be alone?!

Don't feel too bad.

You always have us.

Isn't that right, girls?

All right, wait a minute!

That's it.

That's my problem.

You are always there.

I have carried you with me
throughout every relationship

on every date.

You pick apart the
women I care about

and you remind me how
much it'll hurt if I open myself up.

You don't help me.

You hold me back.

How will I ever move forward
if I don't put you behind me?!

Hurry along, Daphne.

We'll miss the curtain.

Yeah, and you know

how strict they are
about that at the Cineplex.

Sorry, I was rushing

and I put me heel through
the hem of me skirt,

so I had to put on another one.

Ooh, it looks nice. Thanks.

Then the top didn't go,
so I changed it to this

but I couldn't wear this
with a black brassiere

so I had to change that

which meant I had to
change me knickers to match

in case I go to the hospital.

You know, coordinating
undergarments

are the mark of
a lady and all that.

Anyway, it's a long story.

I won't bore you with it.

Yeah, thanks.

Oh.

Hey. Hello.

Hi, guys.

How are you, Dr. Crane?

Actually, I'm-I'm fine, Daphne.

In fact, my little retreat was
just what this doctor ordered.

I cleared my head.

Came to some conclusions.

So, where are you guys off to?

Oh, just one of Dad's movies.

You want to join us?

I brought my Itty
Bitty Book Light.

No, thanks. You guys go ahead.

You'll be okay, won't you?

Ah, yes, I'll be just fine.

Why don't I just stay
here to keep you company.

No, really, Dad, I'm fine.

You sure? Yes.

In fact, I'm...

I'm better than I've
been in quite some time.

Mainly because of one
very important thing I learned.

Great.

Let's roll.

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Quite stylish ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Yeah, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Scrambled eggs all over my face.

What is a boy to do?

Good night,
Seattle. We love you!