Frasier (1993–2004): Season 6, Episode 9 - Roz, a Loan - full transcript

A gold-leaf candle snuffer?

My, what a spendthrift
this Charles X was.

Of course I want you to bid
on it for me, Greg.

Now, start waving your paddle.

- Hey.
- Oh, Roz, you got my message.

Yeah, said you had good news.

- Yes.
- What's up?

More importantly, what's down.

Oh, fun. Word play.

No, no, no, the ratings are out
for KACL's first six months

of All Salsa Radio.



- And they were lousy?
- They aspire to lousy.

So they'll be looking
for a new format.

- Better yet, an old format.
- Think they're gonna bring us back?

- That's the scuttlebutt on the street.
- Oh, this is great. Aren't you thrilled?

I'd be shouting it from the rooftops
if I weren't saving my instrument.

- Oh, thank you.
- May I help you?

Non-fat cap.

I haven't seen you before.

- I'm Roz. This is Frasier.
- Colette.

Your mother was a fan
of the great French novelist

and raconteur,
Sidonie Gabrielle Colette.

Okay. Yeah.

Hey, guys, you won't...

Any more like you at home?



- No.
- Good, we'll have privacy.

- Short drip.
- Colette.

- Hey, you guys see these numbers?
- Yes.

- Salsa Radio is in el dumper-acha.
- See?

KACL is gonna be on their knees
begging us to come back to work.

You know that lady
from the temp agency

who's saying I have a bad attitude?

I can't wait to tell
that bean-counting fathead

where she can put her time sheet.

I'm quitting on the way home.

What? Did you say something?

No, no, never mind.

I better cancel my lecture next week.
Can't be out of town if I'm gonna work.

- No, no...
- Is everything all right, Colette?

- Oh, I hate this.
- What?

Well, I overhear things.
I'm not trying to.

It just happens
when you're a waitress.

And you overheard something
about KACL?

They're not dropping Salsa.

- What?
- How do you know that?

Well, the station owner
was in this morning, and he said:

"It's my station. I like salsa music,
and I'm sticking with it."

But that could mean anything.

I knew I shouldn't have
gotten my hopes up.

This stinks! This is total B.S.!

Oh, what are you so upset
about, Bulldog? You've got a job.

Not anymore.

I got canned last Friday
for saying something on the air.

I was talking with this golfer chick

who said she wants
to enter the Women's Open.

Like I'm supposed
to leave that alone.

I'm starting to think
we're never going back to work.

They can't stay
with a failing format forever.

I guarantee you, in three months,
if the numbers are this bad,

they'll have to make a change.

Three months is an eternity.

My rent's gone up.
The baby stuff cost a fortune.

I stopped buying Alice
those pink headbands

for little girls whose hair
hasn't come in yet.

Now, when we go out,
I just call her Howard.

Well, Roz, you know what,
if things have gotten that tight,

let me lend you some money
to tide you over.

- Oh, that's very sweet, but I couldn't.
- No, please.

It's not a hardship for me.
I'll be fine for the next three months.

I don't know. I'm not sure I feel
comfortable taking money from you.

Try putting your hair in a bun.
That used to help Lilith.

Now, how much can I give you?

Fifteen hundred?

- I mean, I wouldn't ask for so much...
- No, no, none of my business.

You can just pay me back
whenever you'd like.

This is your money to do with
as you see fit.

There we are.

Thank you.

Oh, Roz, please,
don't even mention it.

Makes me feel good to share
my good fortune with someone.

I just got a call
from my antique scout.

He's found a gilded candle snuffer
that the Seattle Museum

would pay a pretty penny for
to have in their collection.

I hate her.

Look, I'm sorry, Niles.
I have no idea where it is.

- I'm not even sure I own one.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Dad, have you seen
Frasier's frittata pan?

Hi. Marty Crane.
I don't believe we've met.

Dad, what on earth are you doing?

Oh, Eddie's woozy.

There's this vicious blue jay
on the terrace who keeps teasing him.

Then Eddie goes chasing after him
and slams into that glass door.

And this bird just struts around,
big as you please,

laughing that snooty bird laugh.

Snooty bird laugh?

Yeah, like that.

I wanna put stickums on the door
so that Eddie remembers it's glass.

Oh, yes, Dad, by all means.

Let's add rainbow decals
to the nose prints

and the bits of fur
that already festoon it.

You're kind of grouchy for somebody
who just got his job back.

Well, maybe that's because I'm not
getting my job back.

What happened?
You said it was a sure thing.

Well, it wasn't.

I spoke with Bebe. She confirmed
that they're keeping Salsa.

- I'm sorry.
- Yes, well, don't despair, Dad.

There are other jobs.
Bebe told me that I'm on the short list

for the voice
of Chester "the Yummy Nut" Squirrel.

All right, don't anyone go out
in this weather.

I am so soaked,
my dress is pasted right onto me.

It's a good thing I had this coat
in the trunk.

Yes, that was lucky.
Let me take it for you.

No, it's all right. I'll keep it on
for the moment. Thanks.

Here you are, Dr. Crane.

I stopped off at the Trianon Day Spa
and picked up your papaya exfoliant

- and neck cream pour L' Homme.
- Thanks, Daphne.

I wouldn't have sent you out in this
weather if it weren't an emergency.

Oh, by the way,
I saw Roz down at the spa,

having herself
an all-day beauty treatment.

Now, that's strange.

Why?

Well, Roz has been
a little cash-poor lately.

In fact, I gave her a loan myself
this morning.

Then she heads down
to the Trianon.

I have half a mind to have a word
with her about it.

Bad idea. If you loaned her
that money, it's hers now.

It's none of your business
what she does with it.

- That's exactly what I told her. Still...
- Trust me.

More friendships have been ruined
because of something like this.

Smartest thing you can do
is never bring it up.

Well, I'm aware of that, Dad.

It's just that she must have gone
straight from the cafe down to the spa.

Don't you think that's odd?

Well, not when you stack it up
against a man who uses neck cream.

Before you mock this product,
you might recall you went to that spa.

- What?
- Don't you remember?

Two years ago, for your birthday,
I gave you that special gift certificate

for you and Sherry
to have a day of indulgence.

You told me you used it.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Remind us, Dad,
what treatments did you have?

Oh, we did
the whole shooting match.

First they rubbed us all over,

and then they washed us down
with this liniment oil.

And then they hit us
with those hickory sticks.

You've heard us talk about it enough,
you'd be able to bluff better than that.

You'd be surprised
at what I don't listen to.

I'm sorry, Niles.
I hope you're not mad.

Mad? No, I'm delighted.

If you still have the certificate,
we can go together.

No, I don't think so.

Oh, please, I need this.

You know,
a spa's just not my speed.

I just keep picturing myself
standing over some drain

being hosed down
like some old circus animal.

But, Dad, I can't afford
this sort of thing for myself anymore.

I'd go without you,
but the certificate's in your name.

- Please?
- Oh, all right.

Oh, great.

I'm gonna call and make a reservation
before you change your mind.

And what are you smirking at?

Oh, I'm just musing
about the timeless moments

that bind a father to son.

A game of catch,
a trip to a little fishing hole,

a shared rainforest mud facial.

Oh, Niles, I thought today
was your spa day.

It is. I'm on my way,
and I need it now more than ever.

Last night at the Shangri-La,

- the most scandalous thing happened.
- Now's not the best time.

Oh, sorry, I didn't see you there.
I'll have...

A non-fat cappuccino?

Good guess.

No, I've waited on you before.

Oh, I don't think so.
I'm very observant.

Anyway...

I was invited to a housewarming party
for a new arrival, Stewey.

I hadn't been there two minutes
when I heard a pop.

Looked up to see the '81
Chateau Haut-Brion I brought

being decanted
into a punch bowl of sangria,

canned fruit and erotic ice cubes.

I haven't been so depressed
since Maris started seeing

- What's-His-Name.
- Schenkman.

Thank you.

Hey, guys.

- Oh, Roz.
- Hello, Roz.

Shopping really takes it out of you.

Really? Stocking up on supplies
for baby Alice?

Oh, no. It's mama's turn today.
I'll be back in a minute.

Bidwell's? My God,
isn't that a little pricey?

I'll say. It's Maris' favourite store.

They give points for every dollar
you spend there.

One year, she got enough

to have Tony Bennett
come to our house and sing.

Well, at this rate she's gonna go
through that loan in no time.

I'm just wondering
if I should have a talk with her.

I understand your impulse,
but I'm with Dad on this one.

Questioning her about that money,

- it's just going to lead to trouble.
- I'm not sure I agree.

Of course, the entire point
may be moot anyway.

How do I know there's anything
more extravagant in here

- than calendars and socks?
- Don't even think about it.

You know as well as I do
there is absolutely no justification

for going through her bags.

You're right, there isn't.

- Now there is.
- Frasier.

Just shut up and keep a lookout.
God, a cashmere sweater.

Bidwell's private labelled perfume.

- Here she comes.
- What, oh, my keys.

That is the last time I wear
the shoes right out of the store.

My feet are killing me.

I should go. I wanna get down
to the spa before Dad.

He may bridle
when the front desk clerk asks him

if he prefers a man or a woman.

Is that the time? I gotta meet Carol
for lunch at La Goloue.

- La Goloue?
- Yeah.

- Roz, before you go, there's...
- Oh, I know.

If I drop your name, they'll give me
better service. I'll call you later.

- Can I get you anything else?
- Yes, a taxi.

I already called.

Oh, damn.

Oh, not to worry, Dr. Crane.

- I'll have that spot cleaned up.
- Thank you, Daphne.

Lock up your daughters.
The men are back from the hunt.

Oh, well, boys,
how was your day at the spa?

Fantastic.
You should have seen Dad.

I walked by the serenity room

just as Olga and Sergei
were giving him a full-body sudsing.

I never felt so clean and so dirty
at the same time.

See you later, Dad. Great day.

- All right, how bad was it?
- Mortifying.

First of all, he refused to go nude,
even in the private rooms.

Well, Niles, don't forget,
Dad is of a different generation.

Wearing socks and underpants
and carrying a wallet into a mudbath

is not a generational issue.

If you ever hear me offer
to take Dad to a spa again,

wash out my mouth with jug wine.

Did you ever get your keys
back from Roz?

No, no. Actually, I had to wait
the entire day

before she found them in her bag.

She's on her way over here
right now.

It gives me a chance to talk to her
about her spending.

Frasier, why do you insist
on traipsing into that minefield?

Niles, I don't want to talk
to her about it, I have to.

For God's sake,
at the rate she's spending,

she's gonna be out of money
before we're back to work.

And frankly, I'm just a bit annoyed
with the way she flaunts it in my face.

Expensive lunches.
Needless extravagances.

Frankly, I think the entire thing's
just a bit insensitive, don't you?

Oh, excuse me.

Not to interrupt, but six months ago,
you borrowed $40 from me.

We were at the wine shop,
remember?

You couldn't quite scrape together
enough for a bottle

of your precious
Chateau Mr. Fussy-Pants.

So I lent you the money.

And have I said a peep
about it since? No.

I just sit here,
quietly reusing my tea bags,

while you trundle off
to your private clubs

ordering gourmet this
and imported that.

"Are the cigars Cuban?
Are the tulips Dutch?

Oh, good news.

My personal shopper just found
a dozen antique pudding plates."

Who has 12 people
over for pudding?

So you gave poor Roz
a bit of money.

It hasn't changed your life, has it,

you sherry-swilling,
foie-gras-munching hypocrite?

Daphne, I did repay you.

What?

I paid for that parking ticket.

Fifty dollars, as I recall.
That means you owe me 10.

Oh, right.
Well, I'm glad you said something.

It's not good
to let these things fester.

Niles, I think I'm having
a weird reaction to that spa stuff.

My skin's starting to tingle
and tighten up.

That's the citrus reacting
with your natural oils. It's a good sign.

Well, it doesn't feel so good.

I just scratched my chin
and my eyelid closed.

Oh, that'll be Roz.

Maybe I'll take my leave
before the fur starts to fly.

Oh, Niles, there's not gonna be
any fur flying.

Unless, of course,
she bought one on the way over here.

- Hello, Roz.
- Hey, Niles.

- Roz.
- Are you on your way out?

Yes. Good night.

- Well, here are your keys.
- Oh, thank you, Roz.

We had to turn the whole cafe
inside out looking for them.

I would've been here a lot sooner,
but I stopped to get you something.

Roz, oh, gosh, you know,
you really shouldn't have.

I wanted to. This is just my way
of saying thank you

for how great you've been.

Well, you see,
you really shouldn't have.

I mean, for one thing, it's just...

Gosh, it is lovely, Roz. It's just that...

There's something
I need to talk to you about.

No, that decanter
is not just to say thank you.

It's also to say congratulations.

Station manager
called me half an hour ago.

I made him promise
he'd let me tell you.

The board has reconsidered.
They're changing formats.

- They're bringing us back!
- Oh, Roz, that's fantastic!

We start tomorrow.

What's going on?

Good news, Dad, good news.
We got our jobs back at KACL.

Oh, great. Congratulations.

Well, I thought we'd at least
get a smile out of you.

I thought I was smiling.

This is so great!
We're all back together again!

Hey, Noel, good to see you.
What have you been up to?

Well, actually, I never left.

Adios, Maria.

Hi, everybody!

Roz!

- Oh, God.
- Isn't this the best?

It's so great to see everyone.
Bulldog and Noel, Frasier, you.

God, I didn't think
I'd ever see this place again.

It's like we're soldiers coming back
from the war.

I'm home!

Well, you know, as much as I'd like
to continue the celebration,

in three minutes, we have a show.
Come on, Roz, let's go!

Oh, God. Noel?

Oh, I just wanted to say
I missed you most of all, Roz.

Oh, well, thanks, Noel.
That's so sweet.

Yes, that certainly is sweet, Noel.
Off you go.

Me? Nothing much has changed.

Still living with my mom,

still working
on that Klingon-to-English dictionary.

Noel, how do you say goodbye
in Klingon?

Well, it depends.
If you're talking to a superior officer...

- Noel!
- Krish-Krush.

I am so thrilled to be back.

Oh, God, so am I, Roz.

You know what?
I couldn't get a wink of sleep last night.

I put the time to good use. I composed
a speech to open the show.

Oh, that's great.

You know,
as I was falling asleep last night,

it occurred to me that you wanted
to talk to me about something.

Right. Right. Oh, well, you know,

I just had a little bone to pick with you.
But it's gone by the wayside now.

- Are you sure?
- Oh, absolutely.

You know how things are
when you're out of work.

You just get a little crazy
about little stuff.

Oh, tell me about it.
I mean, the money stuff alone...

- Well, as a matter of fact...
- What?

No, no, no,
it's just not an issue anymore, Roz.

Now, come on.

Well, all right, it's just that I thought
the way you were spending money

was a little unwise.

You know, spa days,
expensive lunches, Bidwell's perfume.

I just thought, you know,
you were unemployed.

But, you know what?
You're employed now, so there it is.

End of subject.
I won't even bring it up again.

I never told you
I bought that perfume.

Well, I...

You didn't have to.
I can smell it on you.

I'm not wearing any.

You're kidding.

My goodness, is that you? Well, then,
you should sweat into bottles.

We got a show to do.

The only way you could know that

is if you were looking through
my shopping bag... The keys.

- Roz, we really should be setting up.
- I can't believe this.

You were searching through my bags?
What, is this about the loan?

All right, fine.

I gave you $1500 and suddenly,
you were off on a spending spree.

Excuse me,
but weren't you the one that said

I could spend it any way I wanted?

I just thought you were gonna be
more responsible.

Oh, so now I'm irresponsible.

No, no, I'm just saying that a woman
in your situation...

What situation?

Oh, I know what this is all about.

- My baby.
- Roz...

- That's what this irresponsible stuff...
- No, that is not what I meant!

Well, listen, obviously,
I am not to be trusted

with your precious money,
so I'm paying you back.

And not that it's any of your business,
but Carol took me out to La Galoue.

And my mother gave me
a day at the spa.

And those shoes were a store credit.

Oh, and I bought the perfume.

Well, that was just for me
because I wanted it.

Roz, I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to say any of those things.

- Too late.
- I can't stand to have you mad at me.

Look, let me take you to dinner tonight.
We can discuss it after work, all right?

- You're on.
- Thank you.

No, you're on in five seconds.

Good afternoon, Seattle.

This is Dr. Frasier Crane,
and we're back.

But don't worry.
I may have been gone a while,

but I think I can remember
how all these knobs and buttons work.

I see they've moved the cough button.

Well, anyway, I composed
some thoughts last night

about what the show
has meant to me these last years

and, well, I'd like to share it
with you now.

I realised I have a lot
to feel grateful for.

Grateful for my listeners
who trusted me with their problems.

And grateful for the person
whom I most trust.

It's not an exaggeration to say I put my
career in this woman's hands every day

and she never lets me down.

She shoulders many responsibilities
here and in her personal life

with a grace and skill that I admire
more than she'll ever know.

I am proud to call her my friend.

My producer, Roz Doyle.

Well, now, on to the show.

And if I'm a bit rusty,
I hope you'll forgive me.

After all, to err is human.

- I hope you'll look into your hearts...
- All right, Frasier, you're forgiven.

Oh, good. All right.

Well, we've got a quick word
from our sponsor

and then we'll be back
with your calls.

Back after this.

Thanks, Frasier.

- I'm sorry I got so mad.
- Oh, Roz, you had every right to.

How can I think you would squander
the money I gave you that way?

- You'd never be that irresponsible.
- Well, I wouldn't.

If it was on your mind,
I'm glad you brought it up.

I like that we can be honest
with each other.

I like that too.

And I'm so touched
that you stayed up all night last night

and wrote all those things about me.

I meant every word.

Hey, Dr. Crane, great speech.

- I loved what you said about Roz.
- Oh, thank you, Noel.

Hey, Bulldog,
can you lend me some money?

- Sure. How much?
- Fifteen hundred. I wrote a bad cheque.

Hey, wait a minute.
There's nothing in here about Roz.

Noel, put that down.

"Like Napoleon's triumphant return
from Elba..."?

Krish-Krush! Krish-Krush!