Frasier (1993–2004): Season 6, Episode 10 - Merry Christmas, Mrs. Moskowitz - full transcript

I thought your father was in charge
of Christmas decorations.

Oh, no, no, not this year.
We're doing it my way.

That's why I'm ordering
a tasteful tree here.

They'll even deliver it
on Christmas Eve fully decorated.

- Gee, that'll be fun for Freddie.
- Frederick won't be joining me.

He's spending his vacation
on an archaeological tour with Lilith.

He's spending Christmas
with dried-up old bones?

Yes, I thought I told you.

She's taking him
on an archaeological tour.

Oh, good Lord,
look how late it's gotten.

Well, don't blame me.



You're the one who spent 20 minutes
looking for that candleholder thing.

No, no, no. It's a menorah, Roz.

Thought I'd get one
for Frederick for Hanukkah.

Oh, that's right. I completely forgot
Frederick is half Jewish.

Yes, between the Crane boy genes
and Lilith's contribution,

I'm not sure the NFL
is holding its breath.

I need to go over to Notions
and try to find something for Calvin,

- the security guard.
- What are you getting him?

If I knew,
I wouldn't be going to Notions.

Excuse me. I'd like to get a gift
for that woman I was with.

- How about this sweater right here?
- Excellent choice.

I'm not sure of the size. Could you
find me this in a medium? Thank you.

- It's a madhouse in there.
- Roz!

People pushing and shoving
for nose-hair clippers.



Is there a nasal hair epidemic
I don't know about?

Here's your sweater.

- Is he talking to you?
- No, no, no, he's talking to...

He's talking to me. It's for my niece.

But I'm a bit worried about the size.

You know,
she's just about your height.

Do you mind my asking,
would this fit you?

That's a little big for me.

- What about the colour? A little blah?
- Personally, I like the blue.

I agree. Thank you so much.

I will take a smaller size in the blue,
and please gift-wrap it.

- Coming right up.
- It looks like Notions has thinned out.

Oh, good. So you think Calvin
will like the nose hair clippers?

I think we can be sure
he doesn't own a pair.

Gosh, thank you so much
for bailing me out that way.

My pleasure. Helen.

- Helen? Frasier.
- Not Frasier Crane?

- From the radio show?
- Yes.

I listen to you every time I come
to Seattle to visit my daughter Faye.

Well, that's very kind.

You know, you really
should know your wife's size.

- Oh, she's not my wife.
- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry.

- It's all right.
- Girlfriend?

No, I don't have a girlfriend, actually.
I'm unattached.

Well, I've taken enough of your time.

Although, there is one small thing
you could help me with.

I'm looking for something
for my daughter.

Oh, what is it?

- No, I really shouldn't ask you.
- No, no, please.

No, no, it's too much
of an imposition.

No, no, the way you came to my
rescue, I'd be delighted to help you.

What is it you're looking
to get for your daughter?

A date with a nice
unattached doctor.

Well, I certainly walked
into that one, didn't I?

It wasn't my first time.

As soon as this woman gets here,

give me five minutes
and call me on my cell phone.

If I am miserable, I will simply say
it's an emergency and excuse myself.

Yes, the ever-valuable escape call.

Oh, you've done them?

No, but I've seen them done.

Excuse me, are you Frasier?

Faye? Yes, well, hello.
How did you know it was me?

You had that horror-stricken look
of someone who's met my mother.

No, please, please. Shall we?

That's sweet of you, but you
don't have to go through with this.

I just came to apologise.

No, please.
Please, why don't you sit down?

Hey, Dr. Crane.
Are you here with your brother?

No, actually, he's on a blind date.

Oh, he is, isn't he? Oh, look at him.
I think he really fancies her.

You know, it's always so obvious
when a man likes a woman.

You can just tell
by his awkward body language.

Shifting in his chair,

he doesn't know quite
what to do with his hands.

He's as nervous as a hen.

Oh, for God's sakes, stop fidgeting!

So your mother tells me
that you're a lawyer.

Well, that's typical.

I was a lawyer and I quit two years ago
and now I'm a pastry chef.

- Really?
- Yes.

I work in a French restaurant
in town.

Maybe you've heard of it.
Le Cigare Volant?

It's one of my favourites.
I had dinner there last Friday.

I worked Friday. What did you have?

- The Grand Marnier souffl?.
- I made that!

- Well, it was poetry on a plate.
- Thank you.

You didn't happen to find
my earring in it, did you?

I'm kidding.

You know, suddenly I'm glad that
your mother is as pushy as she is.

It's funny, though,
you're nothing like her.

That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

Dr. Crane, can I ask a favour?

What are you doing
for the next ten nights?

- Because my...
- Yes.

Excuse me, finish the question.

Well, my neighbourhood theatre group
is putting on a holiday revue.

We're performing in the common room
of Dr. Crane's building.

- Right downstairs?
- Yeah.

Well, we're still looking
for a musical director.

I would never ask you, but they
put me in charge of the whole thing.

Oh, well, count me in.

Is the show more religious
in tone or secular?

Well, we couldn't quite agree,
so we ended up with a mixed bag.

We open with
the no-room-at-the-inn scene,

then it's a rousing version
of "Jingle Bell Rock,"

a brief medley
from Jesus Christ Superstar.

The first act ends with Santa's elves
and the Three Wise Men linking arms

and singing "Frosty the Snowman."

Well. Excuse me,
I have to make a phone call.

Of course, I love Boston,
but, well, there's no place like home.

Excuse me.

Yes, hello?

Yes, no, you know what?
I'll just have to sign those papers later.

Thank you.

Office work.

That was an escape call, wasn't it?

No, what are you talking about?

Come on, it's a blind date.
You wanted a way to back out.

Oh, gosh, you are sharp, aren't you?
How did you know?

Well, that would be just lovely.
All right, I'll see you soon.

Well, isn't that nice?
Faye's dropping by.

You've been seeing a lot of her lately,
haven't you?

Yes, I have. You know,
she really is quite wonderful.

Thought she was off
to Florida with her mother.

Yes. They're popping by
on the way to the airport.

I guess someone wanted to rack up
a few more frequent Frasier miles.

You don't ever actually say
those things to the woman, do you?

Oh, no, no, no.

- Oh, good, Dr. Crane, you're here.
- Yes, the show starts in half an hour.

Could you give me a hand?

I still have to sew the chains to Jacob
Marley's tux for the dance number.

- Oh, happy to.
- Jacob Marley?

They're doing
A Christmas Carol too?

No, they're not. They worked him
into the nativity scene.

Hey, Fras, where's a good spot
for Rudolph this year?

Dad, please, I thought we had
an agreement about the decorations.

I know, but what's Christmas
without Rudolph?

He is not even one
of the original reindeer.

Do the others have a song?

I'm not having
this discussion again!

Because you know I'm right.
Forget it.

I wouldn't want to ruin
your designer Christmas.

- Oh, Faye!
- Hi.

Hi. Good to see you.
Here, let me take your coat.

- Thank you.
- Where's Helen?

She's talking to your doorman.

She's trying to fix him up
with my cousin Janet

and I couldn't bear to watch.

Oh, I'll just leave that ajar
for her there.

- Oh, my gosh.
- What?

- You have a wreath.
- Yes, so?

- Aren't you Jewish?
- No. No, why do you ask?

The day we met, my mother
saw you shopping for a menorah.

Yes, for my son.
My ex-wife is Jewish.

- Oh, God.
- Is there a problem?

For me, no,
but my mother is another story.

Here I was wondering what we'd talk
about on a seven-hour flight to Miami.

You know what,
I can just take this down.

No, no, no, I have to stop
being a child about these things.

If she's upset, she's upset.

- How many stopovers do you have?
- Two.

- I'll take it down.
- Thank you.

- I really appreciate you doing this.
- Oh, it's no problem.

Can't believe I'm asking you to pretend
to be Jewish on Christmas Eve.

It's all right, really.
It probably won't even come up.

- Hello?
- Oh, there she is.

- Hello, Frasier.
- Helen! Hi.

Oh, what a beautiful apartment
you have.

Thank you very much.

Get out!

- What?
- Of that coat already.

- So, Frasier, you grew up in Seattle?
- Yes, as a matter of fact, I did.

- Such a pretty city.
- Yes.

I guess you were bar mitzvahed here.

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

What a proud day that was.

I can still remember reading
from the Torah

before the rabbi

and the cantor and the mohel.

The mohel?

The one who did your circumcision?

Yes, yes, I just wanted to show him
that there were no hard feelings.

- Niles!
- Hello, all. You must be Faye.

And I'm her mother,
Helen Moskowitz.

- And I'm Frasier's brother, Niles.
- Yes.

What happened to the...?

Moskowitz that lived down the hall?
They moved.

Why don't you help me
in the kitchen?

I'm just about to pour
everybody a drink.

What's going on?

Faye's mother thinks
that we're Jewish. Just play along.

Okay. Why?

Well, it's important to Faye,
Faye is important to me.

- You think you can pull it off?
- No problem. Oh, ham.

Niles. Please.

We've got to find a time
to tell Dad about this too.

- You mean Papa.
- Stop it.

- Wait, Frasier.
- What?

- Is that for Helen?
- Yes.

What if she's expecting
Jewish wine?

- I'm afraid I don't have that on hand.
- That's all right. It's easy enough.

It's just like regular wine,
plus a little of this.

Try that.

- It's dreadful.
- Perfect.

- Here we are.
- Oh, thank you.

Who has a nice toast? Niles?

Oh, all right.

Next year in Jerusalem.

Take it down a notch, Tevye.

Hey, Fras, you know,
since it's the night before...

- Dad!
- Oh, great.

Would it be a crime for somebody
to tell me we had guests here?

Hi, I'm Marty Crane. I'm Frasier's dad.
Although you'd never guess it

from the way I'm treated like
a second-class citizen around here.

But, as long as Frasier's happy,
why should my feelings matter?

Niles, why don't you see
if you can go help Dad in the kitchen?

Well, all right,
but he'll probably just kvetch at me

- and frankly, I don't need the tsuris.
- Niles!

I don't know how to be Jewish.

Just answer questions
with a question.

- Like what?
- I have to explain everything?

- Can't you give me an example?
- What, I should give you an example?

You gonna help me or not?

- You're saying I'm not being helpful?
- Oh, forget it!

So, Marty, both your sons are doctors.
How'd you work that out?

I have no idea... do I?

Well, I just got the phone call
every producer dreads.

- What is it?
- Someone's dropping out of the show.

You don't suppose
you could take over one of the roles?

Well, I don't see why not.
I know all the songs.

- Wonderful.
- Oh, it was nice meeting you both.

Likewise. We're leaving too.
Could you send the elevator back up?

- We'll be right down.
- Happy to.

- So who dropped out?
- Mr. Blanchard.

It's been great spending
some time with the two of you.

I wish you could stay longer.

Well, actually, we can.
I just called the airline.

The plane is delayed an hour.

Well, isn't that good news?

You know, I hate to be forward,

but I'd love to taste whatever smells
so wonderful in that kitchen.

And I would love to give you a taste,
except it isn't done yet.

Well, more good news!

I don't know how much longer
we can continue this charade.

My God, when Dad started to talk
about working on his own car,

I thought we were goners.

Well, we only have to keep it up
for another half an hour.

Actually, I think I have an idea.

- Go out there.
- Okay.

Well, I don't know what it is
with that brisket.

It just won't cook through.

- I could take a look.
- No, no, we don't have the time.

I just got off the phone
with the airlines.

They pushed the flights back up.
We have to get going.

Oh, really? All right.

Gosh, you know,
I wish you could stay longer.

It's just that I'd hate to have you
be late for your plane.

- Hello, sir.
- On the other hand, you know,

you can't leave
until you've seen the apartment.

- What?
- All right, let's start in the bedroom.

There's plenty of time.

Oh, Dad, could you see who that is
and make sure they come back later?

Whatever you want, Frasier,
as usual.

Hello, sir. Let me wish you a merry...

Bring that thing back in an hour.

No way, sir. It's Christmas Eve
and I've got a full truck downstairs.

- So where do you want it?
- Oh, jeez, I don't know.

You know, a lot of people
put them in their living rooms.

Oh, here, here,
put it in the bathroom.

- In the bathroom?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Just put it in, all right?

- All right, come on, quick.
- Okay.

- You have, you know, a mer...
- Shut up. Get out.

- That's a beautiful bedroom, Frasier.
- Oh, thank you, thank you very much.

I noticed you were sort of quiet,
Faye.

Almost as though
you'd been in there before, huh?

Oh, yeah, I have, Ma,
but I was drunk and it was dark.

I don't remember so much.

You see how she talks
to her mother?

Jesus!

I'll tell you what.

I just realised that you haven't seen
the beautiful balcony.

Dad, would you do the honours
and I'll check on the brisket?

What is going on?

The man who does the number from
Jesus Christ Superstar can't go on.

He slipped in the shower.
Man could walk on water, but no...

Yes, it's dripping with irony.

Niles, what are you doing here?

The minute I got within ten feet
of the hay for the manger scene,

my allergies kicked in.
I think I left my nasal spray here.

I am terribly sorry,
but you've got to get out of here!

- Is that kind of language appropriate?
- Oh, just shut up!

Would you believe it?
It's still pink in the middle.

By the time my brisket's done,
my kugel will be dry as the Sinai.

It certainly is beautiful,
but now I think we're cutting it close.

Yes, you know, you're quite right.

We can continue the tour
at another time.

Let me walk you to the door.

Thank you so much, Frasier.
You're a wonderful host.

Oh, well.

You know, maybe I should go
to the powder room before we go.

Oh, here, allow me.

What is going on?

Helen, I am so terribly sorry.

I'll let you all sort this out.
I really have to go.

I understand. This is your busy time.

Ma, Frasier's not Jewish.

I told them to pretend
so you wouldn't freak out.

What? You think I care?
You can date anyone you want.

Since when?

I can't believe
you're embarrassing me like this.

You embarrass me
on an hourly basis.

I embarrass you?
Are you hearing this?

You know, maybe we should
just give you your privacy.

No one leaves. You see?

You are making them uncomfortable
in their own home.

You could have trusted me
to understand.

All I want is for you to be happy.

As long as I'm happy in the life
that you pick out for me.

Excuse me for being
a terrible mother.

All I do is care.

Oh, here it comes, the guilt.

Just because I don't want you
controlling my whole life.

What do you want me to do about it,
cut myself out of it? You hate me?

Sometimes, I do hate you!

I'm sorry, Ma.
I shouldn't have said that.

Why not? I am too involved.
It's because you're all I have.

But you can't keep running my life.

- Maybe we should just...
- Sit. We're nearly done.

I have been smothering you.

Maybe it's time I learned
to let you go.

I don't wanna be let go.

I want you in my life,
just not running it.

- I do love you, Mom.
- Oh, baby. I love you too.

- Well, we should go.
- Right.

Oh, thank you for a lovely visit.
Enjoy your holiday.

- I am so sorry about all this.
- Oh, that's all right. That's all right.

Call me when you get back.

Good night.

- Boy, that was something.
- It certainly was.

Yeah, we've had a couple squabbles
today, but nothing like that.

No way.

Maybe I should get that
Christmas tree out of the bathroom.

Yeah, right. One minute, they're
talking about one little problem,

then suddenly, it's everything else.

Then it gets all emotional
and messy,

and then they're hugging
and then it's all over.

I suppose that's the healthiest way
to go about it.

Yeah, yeah. I guess
you can't keep that stuff bottled up.

No, you sit on it,
you just get madder and madder.

Yeah, best thing
is lay it on the line.

- Exactly.
- Yeah.

Frasier, I want my Rudolph
out for Christmas.

- What, this again?
- It's just not Christmas without it.

Dad, we had an agreement about
the Christmas decorations this year.

Yeah, but your Christmas stinks!
I mean, you call that a tree?

Would it kill you to have a tasteful
Christmas just once in your life?

Every year,
we do Christmas your way.

And you have things your way
every damn day! I mean, look at it.

There's nothing of mine
around this place except for my chair.

And you've taken potshots
at that right from the start

because it doesn't fit in
with your froufrou knickknacks.

Right, go ahead,
ridicule everything I do.

The way I eat, the way I decorate.

Do you have any idea
how that makes me feel?

Know how it makes me feel
to live like a guest in my home?

I do everything to make you feel
welcome in this house,

but nothing I do is good enough!

Strange way to make me feel
welcome, taking Christmas away.

The one time of the year
when I get to do things my way,

like it used to be in our home, with
your mother and when you were kids.

You know,
that's a nice memory for me.

You'd think, as a psychiatrist,
you'd figure that out.

Oh, fine. Now, I'm not even
a good psychiatrist.

I'm just a big, fat letdown, aren't I?

I'm a burden to you.
I hate living here.

And I hate you living here.

- Oh, my God.
- Jeez.

- Oh, God, I feel terrible.
- So do I.

They were hugging by now.

We never should have tried this.
We're not Jewish.

Maybe Mrs. Shapiro next door
can talk us through it.

- She's out of town.
- Oh, no.

I'm sorry.
I never should have said what I said.

Oh, Dad, no, I should have been
more sensitive. I am a psychiatrist.

And you're a damned good one, too,
and I'm very proud of you.

- Really?
- Yes.

Oh, Dad, I didn't mean any
of the things I said.

I love having you here.

Well, I love being here.
I always have.

Honestly?

Well, no, but I thought
it'd get us to the hug.

All right, let's try.