Frasier (1993–2004): Season 6, Episode 7 - How to Bury a Millionaire - full transcript

Know where we should go tonight?
Frannie's Fish and Chips.

Dad, we're taking Niles out
to boost his spirits, not his cholesterol.

Oh, please.

That French food you guys eat
is full of butter and cheese.

But at least it's not prepared
by a woman working a deep fryer

in a batter-dipped brassiere.

- Hey, isn't that Niles?
- Where?

Driving that old hatchback.

No, Niles would never be seen
in anything called a hatchback.

Although it does look a lot like him.

My God, he's running away.



Well, catch him,
Mr. 12-Cylinder-German-Engineering.

- Hello?
- Niles, what the hell are you doing?

Well, I'm just pulling
into my parking garage.

- You on your way?
- What are you talking about?

- You're driving up Second Avenue.
- You're in that little red thing.

No, you must be
mistaking me for someone else.

See you when you get here.

He's getting away!
He just turned right at the corner.

- Hello?
- Niles?

What are you running for?
I can see that it's you.

No, you're mistaking me
for someone else.

That is ridiculous.

I can hear my own horn
through the phone.

Frasier, I may lose the connection.
I'm stepping onto my elevator.



I'll see you when you...

- What's the matter with him?
- Maris repossessed his car.

That must've been
all he was able to afford.

He's just ashamed to admit it.

- Hello?
- Niles, do not hang up on me.

We know what's going on.
We're right behind you.

I was afraid this would happen.

I was petrified someone I knew would
see me driving this humiliating car.

It looks like some buggy derailed
from a carnival ride,

except that
this has no safety features.

Oh, Niles,
you're worrying over nothing.

What kind of person judges you
by the sort of car you drive?

- Mitzie Gill.
- Well, yes, she might.

- She drives a Bentley.
- She's parking on the corner.

She'll see me.

Everybody all right?

Dad, come quickly. I need your help.

Oh, my God, what is it?

I need you to get up here
and pretend this is your car.

My shoulder is killing me.

Good Lord,
did you bang into the steering wheel?

No, I've been parallel parking all week
without power steering.

- Let me get you some aspirin.
- Oh, thank you, Dad.

Check upstairs
in the bathroom off the study.

Pardon the disarray, Frasier.

I've had to cut my cleaning lady
down to two times a week.

Yeah, looks like a bomb went off.

I gather your financial situation's
gotten a bit shaky.

Oh, yes. Every since I rejected
Maris' attempt to woo me back,

she's been quite vindictive.

She's frozen all the accounts. Sherry?

Thank you.

My salary isn't even covering
my legal bills.

Well, what do your lawyers tell you?

Well, mostly that my salary
isn't even covering my legal bills.

You know, Niles,

if this siege is going to continue,
you may have to tighten your belt a bit.

Perhaps we should make up a list
of your expenses.

All right. Here.

Thank you. Oh, not with that pen.

No, that once belonged
to Noel Coward.

- I just purchased it.
- It is stunning.

But if you're gonna be economizing,

perhaps you'll have to forgo
the decorative antique pens.

Could we at least review my list
before we make any drastic decisions?

- Very well.
- That's my rent.

- That's insurance.
- You pay that much in rent?

Well, that includes
the building newsletter.

It's outrageous.

- Niles, are you there?
- Yes, Dad.

Well, you can't blame me
for the housing market.

This is a simple apartment.

I'm in some room with a lot of books,
but it doesn't have a bathroom.

Oh, that's the library, not the study.

Go down the hall, make a left.

Yes, well, this simple apartment
of yours is gonna bankrupt you.

You must admit
it's a bit large for one person.

Well, don't forget I have a pet.

Are you telling me that your bird
requires both a study and a library?

All right, I will return
the Noel Coward pen,

but this is my home.

This is a basic necessity.

Okay, I found the aspirin,
but I'm lost again.

I'm in a blue room
with big rolls of paper.

That's the gift-wrapping room.

Look for the stairs.

The only stairs I could find go up.

You have a third floor?

It's practically a crawlspace.

Go out the door to the left.

Don't look at me like that.
I have to have a roof over my head.

Niles, you have three roofs
over your head.

For God's sake,
come to your senses.

Look at the numbers. They don't lie.

I'm afraid you don't have any choice.

All right, now I'm stumped.
How do I get down?

There's a bookcase
blocking my way.

- The bookcase is a secret door, Dad.
- How do I open it?

- Poke Mrs. Dalloway on the bottom.
- What?

- The yellow book on the lower shelf.
- Oh, all right.

Frasier, ever since I was a little boy,

I have walked by this building
and wondered

what sort of people could live
in such a magnificent place.

I know, Niles.

Getting in here
after Maris dumped me

proved that I was not
a complete failure.

I understand that.

And I have no choice, do I?

I'm sorry.

You know,
perhaps you should move

before you're obligated
for another month's rent.

You can stay at my place
until you find something.

Thank you.

Here you go.
You can get your own glass of water.

- This aspirin's expired.
- Well, it wasn't when I found it.

- Oh, Dr. Crane, I'll clean up.
- Not necessary.

You've been cooking dinner
every night.

I hardly feel like
it's my kitchen anymore.

Of course it's your kitchen.
No, no, that doesn't go there.

I know it's probably
a bit presumptuous of me

to rearrange your kitchen for you,
but I promise you,

you'll find it a lot more...

...user-friendly.

- Where's my jar of Bovril?
- No, I wasn't.

Oh, the meat paste.
Well, I threw it out. It smelled rancid.

Well, that's how it's supposed to smell.
It's English.

Well, I'm off to bed.

Roz and I have a very important
breakfast meeting

with a potential employer tomorrow,

and I can't be burning
the midnight oil like you, Dad.

- Dad?
- What? Oh, all right, I'll get a coaster.

No.

What's with you? You could
barely stay awake during dinner.

You'd be the same way
if you shared a room with Niles.

All night long, up and down,
shifting and tucking.

If it's really annoying you,
I'll move his cot into my room.

At least one of us in this family
could show him compassion.

Good luck. Last night,
I got up and went to the bathroom.

When I came back,
he'd made my bed.

- Will you be much longer?
- Almost done.

I only ask because Roz and I

have this important job interview
tomorrow morning.

I'd like to be well-rested.

- You've been in there for 20 minutes.
- No, I haven't.

Now I have.

You should try
this marvellous new facial peel.

It's like getting ten years back.

I'd settle for the last half hour.

This is gonna be so much fun.

Bunking together
like when we were kids.

Oh, yes.
It's all coming back to me now.

I just want to tell you again

how much I appreciate
your taking me in like this.

Not every brother in your position
would be so generous.

Think nothing of it, Niles.
You're no trouble at all.

Oh, dear, the sound of that rain's
gonna keep me up all night.

I'm amazed you can hear it
over there in Mission Control.

- Do you mind if I close the window?
- Not at all.

Much better.

Niles, what are you talking about?
That's just more rain noise.

No, it's much more than rain.

This is all of the sounds
of the Brazilian rainforest.

- Does it bother you?
- No.

Just go to bed.

Oh, for God's sake, Niles!

All right, all right,
I'll switch over to "Babbling Brook."

You know, if you're feeling tense
about that interview,

I could show you
one of my breathing exercises.

No, no, just some sleep will do.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Oh, for God's sakes, Niles!

- What the hell happened?
- Isn't it obvious? You blew a fuse.

You haven't seen anything yet.

I know he's on his way.
He must've gotten the address wrong.

I knew I should've picked a place
he'd been to before.

- I'm sorry, I'm afraid I have to leave.
- Oh, please, don't leave.

- Let me just try his cell phone.
- Very well.

Hello, Frasier, it's Roz.

You sound terrible. Where are you?

The emergency room?

Oh, my God! His appendix burst.

No, no, no, no, don't apologize.

It's not your fault.
We'll just reschedule it.

I am so sorry I'm late.

My usual, please.

My phone, please.

Mr. Draper,
you're not leaving, are you?

I have another meeting
and I don't like to keep people waiting.

- I'm gonna kill you.
- Roz, please, I'm so sorry.

- Where have you been?
- Blame Niles.

He kept me up late last night.
I slept right through my alarm.

What's he still doing there?
Hasn't he found a place?

No, he sublet his apartment
at the Montana.

He has to find something furnished.
There aren't that many out there.

- Still, he's looking every day.
- Not yesterday.

What do you mean?

I saw him out in front of the Varsity
waiting in line for Lawrence of Arabia.

That's impossible. He told me
he had appointments all day.

Frasier, I know Niles
when I see him.

How many people go to the movies
with their own seat cushion?

You mean,
he hasn't even been looking?

I don't know. Ask him yourself.

Niles.

- Frasier.
- Yes.

Off for another day
of apartment hunting?

Yes. Yes.

Only hope I see as many
as I saw yesterday.

Covered the whole waterfront.

Oh, well, then you must have seen
the one on Crawford and Pike.

- Yes, I think so.
- White with blue trim?

Right next to the market.
Couple of flags out front.

Yes, it looks nice from the outside.
It's completely unsuitable for living.

Oh, yes. I'd imagine so,
seeing as it's a Chevron station.

- What?
- You saw nothing.

Nothing yesterday,
probably nothing in the last two weeks.

- You've been going to the movies.
- That is an outrageous lie.

Roz saw you and your seat cushion.

Here I was feeling sorry for you

and you were lying to me
the whole time.

I'm sorry.

After the first day,
I just couldn't look anymore.

I'll never find anything tolerable
in my price range.

It's barely tolerable
having a price range.

All right, Niles. Well, listen.
Today, I am going with you.

It may be the only way
you ever find a place.

You sound as if I plan
to stay with you forever.

Well, I did notice you put a bottle
of '93 Pichon-Baron

- on the grocery list last night.
- So?

That wine's not even drinkable
for two years.

And we've got a rec room too.
Did you see the hot tub?

If you're referring
to that six-man Petri dish, yes.

- I think we're about finished here.
- We can't leave without seeing it.

Frank was kind enough to put on pants
and bring us up here.

Welcome to the Shangri-la.

Niles, it's magnificent.

I think you'll see
why the Shangri-la is so popular

with bachelors like yourself.

I had assumed it was that charming

"No credit, no problem" banner
out front.

Here's your kitchen, all modern.

It looks like the previous tenant
left a four-slot toaster behind.

Isn't that something, Niles?

You can make yourself
a club sandwich

and still have a slice left for guests.

I think I've got the lay of the land.

No, wait, we haven't seen
the bedroom yet.

Right this way.

Looks like
he left the sheets behind.

Well, how's that for convenience?

No dust bunnies under that bed.
No, sirree.

That is a vacuumer's dream, that is.

Well, let's have a look
at this closet space, shall we?

Oh, sorry, I thought Gary's sister
was supposed to pick this stuff up.

Well, help yourself.

This Gary certainly
seems to have left in a hurry.

Did he leave no forwarding address?

He left a note, but no.

No address.

Well, take your time.

- Now can we go?
- No, no, Niles.

Not before we've had a look at this
very charming little ironing board here.

There you are, see?

You sure that's not the guest room?

Niles, listen,
I know this isn't what you had in mind,

but we have scoured the city.

I'm afraid this is the only thing
we're gonna find.

Well, I wanna keep looking.
There's no rush.

- Well, actually...
- What?

Well, Niles...

You want me to move out.
I've overstayed my welcome. I see.

No, it's time for you to understand

that your circumstances
have changed,

and you're going to have to adapt.

I don't want to adapt.
I want to go home.

Niles,

you are home.

Well, where are my manners?
Can I get you some toast?

Yes.

Well, I'm off.
Oh, your brother called.

He said he won't be joining you
for the wine club tonight.

Really? That's a first.

You know, it's funny how much
Eddie misses that bird of Dr. Crane's.

This morning,
a pigeon landed on the terrace.

Eddie jumped up, excited,
ran over and started barking at it.

Yes, he does that all the time.

No, this was a different sort of bark.
Like, "You're not my bird.

Don't fly here and get me hopes
up like that. You're not my bird."

It was silly and sad
at the same time, you know?

Firsthand.

- Did Niles say why he cancelled at all?
- No.

You know,
I just hope he's not depressed.

I keep picturing him sitting
in that dreadful apartment all alone.

Maybe I should've let him stay here
longer until he found something nicer.

I'm sure once he gets his books
on the shelf

and his opera playing, he'll be fine.

You have nothing
to feel guilty about.

Fras, your antique scout brought over
that Noel Coward pen you bought.

Noel Coward pen?
Like the one your brother's got?

Oh, it is his.
He returned it and I pounced on it.

Dr. Crane's feeling bad
about moving his brother out.

Oh, come on, Fras, he's a big boy.
You just gave him the push he needed.

Well, he did need a push.

Besides, I'm sure the place
you found him isn't as bad as all that.

You're right, Daphne.
It isn't all that bad.

And once he's decorated it,
it'll be much nicer.

You're right. You're right.
I'm being much too hard on myself.

- He'll be happy at the Shangri-la.
- You got him in the Shangri-la?

That's where Duke stayed
during his divorce.

Let me tell you,
that's my kind of place.

What have I done?

Hey, Niles.

- Dad, Frasier.
- Hello, Niles.

Did you not get my message
about the wine club?

We thought it'd be fun
to go out and have a meal.

Oh, well, actually,
I'm on my way out.

Where to? Bali-ha'i?

No, they're having a Ping-Pong
tournament in the rumpus room

and my neighbour Jimbo
has invited me to be his partner.

Let me go and tell him
that I'll be a couple minutes late.

If you're thirsty, they sent up some
wine coolers in my welcome basket.

Hey. And you were worried.

He's making friends,
taking part in activities.

Dad, he's obviously covering.
That shirt alone is a shriek for help.

Is it so hard for you to believe
that he could be happy?

In this place, yes.

You should stay.

The guys in D building
are bringing over a 6-foot sub,

and they've rigged the pinball machine
so it's free play all night.

Niles, I'm finding it a bit difficult

to accept this newfound enthusiasm
of yours.

Weren't you the one who told me
I should adjust to my circumstances?

I'm just concerned that you're
immersing yourself in this lifestyle

to avoid feeling the pain
you're going...

Would you leave the guy alone?
No, he's obviously having a good time.

- I'm having a very good time.
- Why shouldn't he have a good time?

I'd be happy here myself.
This is my kind of place.

- Get me out of this hellhole.
- What did I say?

I can't live this charade. I have tried.
It's taking too much out of me.

Now, Niles, this place is fine.
And you know what they say:

What doesn't kill you
makes you stronger.

But, Dad, not everyone
makes it into that second group.

And I've got the luau shirt to prove it.
Okay, that's it, that's it.

Enough is enough.

Niles, who are you calling?

I'm calling Maris.
I'm going to beg her to take me back.

- You don't wanna do that.
- Yes, I do.

Life with Maris wasn't so bad.
It was my fault, after all.

I was too rigid.
I was always making demands.

- No, Niles.
- Eat something. Unlock this door.

- Don't throw that.
- Niles, give me that phone.

- No.
- You don't know what you're doing.

- Yes, I do.
- Drop it and kick it over here.

I won't. I'm dialling.
I'm pressing send.

It's ringing.

Maris.

I'm calling...

I'm calling...

I'm calling to tell you
that there is a new address

for forwarding my mail.

It's 62 Elm Street,
Shangri-la Apartments.

Thank you.

Well, good for you, Niles.

The second I heard her voice
I knew I couldn't go back.

- But how am I ever going to live here?
- Now, it's just temporary, Niles.

She can't drag
this divorce out forever.

You know, Niles, perhaps this place

is the price you'll have to pay
for your freedom.

Well, it's worth that.

Well, that's the way to look at it.
So let's have a toast to that.

Thank you, Dad.

You know,
I never did sign my lease.

I suppose
now is as good a time as any.

Niles, perhaps
this will make it easier.

A little housewarming gift.

Thank you.

There we go.

Thanks, Dad.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

Here's looking at you, kids.

You know, Niles,

you may have to sleep here,
but you don't have to eat here.

How does Cigare Volant sound?

Music to my ears.

I can't go in that place
without a jacket.

Maybe we should paw
through that closet.

I bet Gary's got a jacket
that'll match those pants.

- Oh, here we are.
- Yeah! Look at that. That's great.