Frasier (1993–2004): Season 6, Episode 6 - Secret Admirer - full transcript

I just had
the most wonderful time today.

Me too. It's funny, isn't it?
We worked together all that time,

and we never dated before this.

- Well, anyway. I was...
- Hey, Frasier.

- Nancy, hi.
- Roz.

- Hi.
- So are you back to work yet?

Almost. I start at KNFS tomorrow.

So, Roz, Nancy and I
are having coffee.

Oh, none for me, thanks. Listen,
can I have a fat-free muffin, please?

Nancy, I've been dying to call you.

My cousin just moved to town,
and I think he'd be perfect for you.



Actually, I just started
seeing someone.

Well, you'll forget all about him
when you meet Chuck.

He is so handsome and rugged,
and he loves the outdoors...

Kindly leave him there.

You see, the person
that Nancy is seeing is me.

Really?

- You two are dating?
- Even as we speak.

Oh, my God. I am so sorry.
Oh, well, good for you.

I mean, who needs Chuck
when you've got the?

Well, the anti-Chuck.

When my muffin gets here,
could you send it over?

You won't even see it coming.

Well, where were we?

I think you were about
to ask me out again.



Oh, my gosh. So I was.

Well, let's just see how far
this ESP of yours goes.

What night was I thinking of?

- Friday night.
- Astonishing!

Busboy, clear these spoons
before she starts bending them.

Frasier, I'm so glad you're here.

- Niles.
- Oh, I'm sorry. Niles Crane.

I think we've met. Nancy Cavanaugh.
I used to work at KACL.

- Oh, of course. Talking business?
- Well, actually, no...

Oh, good. I was afraid
I was interrupting something.

Feast your eyes on this.

Financial settlement?

Good Lord, Niles, you and Maris
have come to terms?

What was that? I couldn't hear
over the angels singing.

Well, congratulations.
Oh, that is exciting.

My brother's been going through
a rather rancorous divorce.

- You must be very relieved.
- I'll say. It's cost me a fortune already.

If she dragged it out any longer,
I'd be literally bankrupt.

Well, I'm sure you've got
some celebrating to do, so off you go.

I cannot wait
until I am done with this.

I have to sign,
get her to do the same,

and then I can take my seat
on the freedom train.

Well, all aboard!

It's a funny thing. One day, you're
starting a new relationship full of hope.

The next you're sinking helplessly
into a sucking pit of despair.

Leaves you filled
with the bitter bile of regret.

You're on a date, aren't you?

- It's hard to say at this point.
- I am so sorry.

Oh, it's all right.
I have to go anyway.

- It was nice seeing you again.
- Yes, you too.

- Frasier, I am so sor...
- What the hell is wrong with you?

Here we are.

- We're on for Friday night?
- Yes, of course we are.

You know, I was wondering,
maybe we could just...

Have dinner at your place?

Well, yes.

That's amazing.
You read my mind again.

I thought it would be more comfortable.
We could curl up on the couch,

make a nice fire...

Can you guess
what I'm thinking now?

Oh, you are good, aren't you?

- Hey, guys.
- Hey there.

- Who won the squash game?
- It's not about winning or losing,

- it's about the thrill of competition.
- Congratulations, Niles.

Thanks, Dad.

Pumped as I was,
I don't think anybody

could've beat me today,
even an actual athlete.

- Sherry, Niles?
- Yes, thank you.

Maris and I have reached
a financial settlement.

Oh, that's great!

This is wonderful.

Well, as wonderful as
the tragic ripping apart of two lovers

once bound
in a sacred union can be.

- No, it's brilliant, Dr. Crane.
- Thanks, Daphne.

As long as you're doing the laundry,

- let me throw in my gym towel.
- All right.

If you've got a couple of minutes,
I can also give you these squash togs.

Oh, let's save some of the fun
for tomorrow.

What's this? Cartier?

- Niles, did you put this in there?
- No.

Somebody must have
slipped it in my bag

when we were at the court.

That's odd. I don't remember
anyone touching our things

other than the valet
and Jaime, the squash porter.

Boy, you boys really work up
quite a sweat down there, don't you?

Oh, my goodness.
Niles, look at this.

Cuff links! They're beautiful.

There's a card in here. Let's see.

"I still think of you constantly.

I was wrong to ever let you go.

Do you believe in second chances?"

- It's unsigned.
- "Wrong to let you go."

It sounds like it's from someone
who dumped you.

Well, that's no short list now, is it?

Maybe it's that Sonia woman
he was going out with.

- Yeah, wasn't there a sister too?
- And a niece.

He went through that family
like a recessive gene.

Yes, well...

Not to disrupt the think tank,
but there is an easy way to find out.

I'll just make a few
well-placed enquiries

and see where I get a nibble.

Oh, yes.

There's a group of people
that might regret

having left Club Frasier
before last call.

Oh, yeah, Patricia.

And there's, oh, Susan, yes.

Tatiana. Oh, boy...

Frasier, all during squash
the whole thing you talked about

was this wonderful woman
in your life.

You're gonna drop her
to chase after someone else?

I'm not dropping Nancy. I'm just...

- Weighing your options?
- Well, all right. So, what if I am?

I don't believe this.

Niles, all of my life I have dreamt
of the day when I would be pursued

by more than one woman.
What man hasn't?

Do you blame me for enjoying it
now that the day is here?

All my whole life I had to listen
to you whine about your dating woes.

You have a chance for something
good. You're gonna risk it?

- You're jealous, that's what.
- I am not jealous.

- You're foolish.
- Come on. Nonsense.

- Dad, don't you agree?
- Let's ask Dad. What do you think?

Oh, no, don't drag me into this.

I learned when you were kids to stay
out of it whenever you started fighting.

I'd just wait till the whole thing ended,
usually in tears,

and then I'd take you both out
for ice cream.

That was my job, ice-cream man.

Yeah, I suppose fathers
are the same everywhere.

Mine couldn't bear to see us fight.

If there was so much as a peep out
of us, he'd be out the door to the pub,

stay for a few hours,
sometimes overnight.

When they brought him back
the next morning,

we couldn't fight
because of his headaches.

I suppose that was part of his plan
to keep harmony in the family.

God bless him.

Oh, Daphne, wait up.
I'll ride down with you.

Frasier, you have a chance
for something real with Nancy.

Only a fool would throw that away
chasing after some...

- It's here!
- Oh, oh, wait for me.

- Pie in the sky.

What an idiot.

Tatiana? Frasier Crane calling.

Yes, pick up if you're there.

Well, I guess I've missed you.

The question is:

Have you missed me?

- Oh, hi, Frasier.
- Hi, Roz.

- Why so glum?
- Why else?

The weekend's starting again,
and I don't have a date.

Do you know how long
it's been since?

You know. I probably forgot how.

Oh, no, Roz.
I'm sure it'll come back to you.

It's just like riding a bicyclist.

Bicycle.

You're in the same boat.
Why don't you come over,

hang out with me and Alice?
I'll rent a movie. We can order pizza.

I'd love to.
Just, I've got a date with Nancy.

- That's still going on?
- Yes.

In fact, we're going out tonight
on our third date.

You know the kind.
It's like one of your first dates.

- Well, I gotta go.
- All right.

You're Dr. Crane, right?

- Yes, I am. Can I help you?
- A woman dropped this off for you.

Oh, my gosh.

It must be another gift
from my secret admirer.

- You've got a secret admirer?
- Yes, I do. In fact, the other day

she sent me these cuff links.
At least, I think it's the same woman.

Unless a third person
has thrown her hat into the ring.

Oh, my God. You have two women?

- At least.
- And you're juggling them,

and you're getting jewellery?

Why is that so hard to believe?

Well, I guess since they cloned
that sheep, anything's possible.

- Hey, Roz. Hey, Fras.
- Oh, hey, Frasier.

- Dad, Niles.
- What is this?

Oh, not another gift
from your mystery woman.

Yes. Yes, indeed, it is.

Oh, my God.

It's a Patek Philippe pocket watch.

That is stunning!

I almost bought one like that
on my honeymoon.

Only, Maris thought it was impractical
so we got that glockenspiel instead.

So who do you think
this stuff is from?

Gosh, I haven't smoked her out yet,
but she certainly has exquisite taste.

Doesn't have a bad eye
for jewellery either.

He was like this last night. It was
all I could do to keep my beer down.

Well, lookie there.

No, no, no, Dad.

That's Tina Dalton.

We dated last summer.

And now, it turns out she's in the caf?
just as this little bauble arrives.

Coincidence? I think not.

Frasier, before you go over there...

I've had enough
of your finger-wagging.

I am doing what any red-blooded
American man would.

There's nothing wrong
with playing the field.

Looks like you've been eating the field.
What did you have for lunch?

Pesto. Oh, my God.
All right, I better go freshen up.

Look at this mess.

You know, it's too bad
it's not bubblewrap.

You don't know what funny is
until you see Eddie

go at a sheet of that stuff.

He gets all scared, runs away,

and then... screws up his courage
and comes back again.

And he runs away again.

Yes, I watched him
for an hour one time.

You know, it's amazing how entertained
you can be by something so simple.

Oh, my...

What is it?

This card that came with the gift,
Frasier must not have noticed it.

"Missing you every moment,
my dear, sweet Niles."

- Do you realise what this means?
- Well, yeah.

You're the one
with the secret admirer.

And a pretty nice watch too!

Well, I don't get this.
How could this happen?

Well, the other gift was left
in Frasier's squash bag,

which is exactly like mine.

And I guess today the waitress
must've mistaken Frasier for me.

- You don't suppose it's Daphne.
- Yeah, she took the second job

washing that old Mrs. Lumpkin's hair
just so she could give you Cartier.

Besides, the note says
it's someone you've been with.

There have been
so few women since Maris.

There were so few women
before Maris.

- Hence, there was Maris.
- I bet it is Maris.

You said you saw that watch
on your honeymoon.

Oh, that's... That's absurd.

Dad, we're in the process
of finalizing a divorce...

Excuse me, miss? Do you remember
the woman who brought this box in?

Yeah, she was a very well-dressed
and really, really thin.

Well, that could be a lot of people.

She just dropped off the gift
and then ordered a whole-milk mocha

with whipped cream
and chocolate shavings.

- Oh, thank God. That's not her.
- Yeah, it was really weird, though.

She took a really long whiff of it,
and then just handed it back.

Well, thank you, Marta,
you've been very helpful.

Well, turns out
Schenkman dropped Maris,

- and now she wants me back again.
- Well, that was fun.

We had a little catching up to do,
but it turns out

she wasn't the woman
sending gifts.

Yeah, we know.
The gifts are from Maris.

Maris is my secret admirer?

- No, she sent them to me.
- But they're...?

Schenkman dumped her
and she wants me back.

- How do you feel about this?
- Well, frankly, I feel a little injured.

I thought I had a secret admirer.

Well, no matter, I do have a date
with Nancy tonight.

You know, it's our third date.

I was talking to Niles.

I guess I'll just have to go over
and talk to Maris and set her straight.

I don't know
if that's a very good idea.

Well, I'm up to my ears in debt.

I need her to sign this settlement.
She'll never do that if there's hope

- of us getting together.
- It just seems dangerous to me,

confronting her when
she's so vulnerable, don't you agree?

Don't ask me.
I'm just the ice-cream man.

Thanks a lot. Listen.

Niles, I think
this whole pursuit of you

has been brought on
by a panicked reaction

to Schenkman dumping her.

You know, give her a few days,
she'll probably realise that herself.

- That's when you should approach.
- I can't wait. Do you have any idea

how insulting it is that she thinks
she can buy me with trinkets?

I am this close to being free,
financially and emotionally.

- I'm going to settle this right now.
- Niles, I just think you should wait.

Oh, God.

Well, he certainly
dashed out of here in a hurry.

- I suppose that's a good thing though.
- Yeah, he's not gonna back down.

That, and he forgot these cuff links.
I've got a date tonight.

Oh, Daphne, thanks again
for taking Dad over to Niles' for me.

I mean, I would do it myself,
but since you are going out...

I'm going to a party
three floors down from here.

Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry. I had no idea.
I didn't mean for you

to miss any of the fun.
Dad, shake a leg. Daphne's in a hurry.

You know, I'm really glad
he's going over there.

No idea what condition
Niles will be in after Maris.

Yeah, it's a shame
about Dr. And Mrs. Crane.

It seems so difficult these days
to make something last.

To find someone to grow old with
and share all of life's little details.

I only hope someday
I'll find that kind of intimacy.

I'm sure you will, Daphne.

Daphne, where the hell is my scarf?

- In your sleeve where it always is.
- Oh, all right.

Come on, let's get going.
There's construction by the waterfront.

We're not going that way,
we're taking my shortcut.

I know your shortcuts,
and the waterfront's faster.

Now, don't start with me.

Don't you start with me,
or I'll leave you here.

Oh, hi, how are you doing?
Come on in.

And we're turning on
my radio station in the car.

Fine. It's better
than listening to you talk.

- Is this a bad time?
- No, no, no, that's a bad time.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Boy, you look sensational.

- Thank you. So do you.
- Oh, thank you very much.

- Can I interest you in a glass of wine?
- Perfect.

- Lovely.
- I've been here before, you know.

Two years ago
for your Christmas party.

- Really?
- I don't remember this chair.

Oh, well, normally there's something
draped over it, my father.

Oh, there's a message
on your machine.

Must've come in
while I was cooking dinner.

I mention it because
I gave my secretary your number

so she can call about
tomorrow morning's conference

in case, you know,
I don't find my way home tonight.

Oh, well, you just reverse
the directions I gave you earlier...

Feel free to check the machine
if you like.

I'll just go stir the risotto.

Frasier, this is Cheryl
returning your call

and no, I didn't send you anything.

I thought I told you
when we broke up:

It's over.

Boy, is that old message still on there?
Cheryl and I broke up so long ago,

- I can't even remember when.
- Friday, 6:51 p.m.

I know it was a Friday.

Oh, well, we all have exes.

As long as it's over. It is over, right?

Oh, God, yes. It certainly is over.

Oh, Nancy, please.
Here, come sit with me.

Listen, I want to tell you,
I'm not interested in anyone but you.

Perhaps I better get that.
That could be your secretary.

Oh, let the machine get it.

Frasier, it's Denise.
I don't know how you got my number,

but I'm not interested
in dating you again.

Denise, you prankster!

No. No, no. I won't.

No, absolutely not.
I promise, never again.

Well, how about
we have that dinner now?

I don't believe this. You have
been calling other women for dates.

- How could you lie?
- I didn't lie.

Why would I lie to you?
I have nothing to hide.

Oh, let me get that.

Hello?

Yes, l...

Oh, yes, just a moment.

It's your secretary.

Hi, Gwen. Call me in the car
in five minutes.

- I'm going home.
- No. No, Nancy.

Nancy, please, please, please.
Oh, please don't be hasty.

I realise I've done something
rather foolish.

Just let me explain.

Nancy, look, the truth is
I did call some women.

I guess I was feeling insecure,

a little nervous
about getting close to you.

I don't blame you for being angry,

and I wouldn't blame you
if you wanted to leave.

It's just that I think
we really have something here.

Well, I thought
we had something too.

I made a mistake.

Give me another chance.

- Well, that risotto did smell good.
- Okay.

- Frasier.
- Oh, Madeline.

- I got that note you left under my door.
- I am so sorry about that.

I was so happy to hear from you.

Really?

I was just thinking about you
the other day.

You know, I don't even remember
why we stopped seeing each other.

What is go...? This again?

- Look, this date is over.
- Whoa, wait a minute.

You slipped a note under my door,
and you're on a date with her?

Well, you heard her.
Technically, this date is over.

Don't ever call me again.

Or me, you freak!

Nancy, Madeline.
Please, give me a second chance.

Either one of you.

So then Daphne takes a left
on Madison.

Bumper to bumper, all the way to Pike.
Then a right on Pike.

And what do you know?
Kingdome traffic. So I say...

- Dear God, this is taking forever.
- Exactly.

And here we are on 5th...

Wait, wait, don't go away.
I'm coming.

Oh, Frasier.

I've had one of the worst
experiences of my life.

You took Madison?
You're as bad as Daphne.

- What you should've done, for God...
- Oh, let it go!

Please come in.
How was your date?

Well, Nancy discovered
that I had been pursuing other women.

- Well, how did she find that out?
- It wasn't hard.

You see, I pursued one
during the date.

- Well, I'm sorry.
- Yeah, so am I, Fras.

Well, thanks, guys. I just...

I should've listened
to your advice, Niles.

- How did things go with Maris?
- I wish I knew.

I returned the gifts and told her
there was no chance of reconciliation.

She didn't get mad.
In fact, she was eerily calm.

She just stood there
with a blank stare on her face,

rubbing her ocelot.

You know, they got a cream for that.

You know, maybe she'll come around.
You've given her a lot to digest.

- Oh, no.
- What is it?

- Oh, dear God.
- I don't believe it. I...

I thought I made myself
perfectly clear.

What is wrong with that woman?

Why don't you start, Fras?
I'll jump in when you get hoarse.

Roses are red
Your heart is fickle

When I'm through with you
All you'll have left is this nickel

Oh, no.

- Oh, God, she's going to ruin me.
- No, no, Niles.

You know,
maybe she's just bluffing.

Once she's signed
the financial settlement, it's...

She's not bluffing.

This is the financial settlement.

Oh, Frasier, why did I go over there?
Why didn't I listen to you?

And why didn't I listen to you?

If I had, I'd be sitting with Nancy
right now,

sipping wine in front of the fire.

I'll be stripped clean
and devoured like an animal.

And I won't be.

All right, now.

Enough with these long faces.

Who wants ice cream?