Frasier (1993–2004): Season 6, Episode 23 - Shutout in Seattle: Part 1 - full transcript

- Oh, hey, Niles.
- Hey, Roz.

Oh, God, do you realise
how pathetic this is?

It's 9:30 on a Saturday night

and neither one of us are surprised
to see the other one here alone.

Never seen this place
looking so grim.

This is Mardi Gras
compared to half an hour ago

when it was just me
and an elderly gentleman

who cleaned his teeth
with his coffee stirrer

and then put them back
in his mouth.

- Let me get the waitress.
- Oh, God, not her. I hate her.

She's in my spinning class at the gym.
I've been killing myself



trying to take off these last five
pregnancy pounds, and nothing.

Meanwhile, she's down
at the snack bar stuffing her face

and waving to everybody,
acting all friendly.

She's such a phoney.

- Hi, Roz.
- Hey, Kit.

You were great in class tonight.

Are you kidding?
I've been such an oinker lately.

- What can I get you?
- Oh, a non-fat latte for me.

Coming right up.

See what I mean?
She's such a fake.

I'm sorry, Roz, I'm afraid I'm not gonna
be very good company tonight.

Well, whatever your problems are,
you'll laugh at them

when you hear
what I've been through.

I had a date tonight,
but halfway down the driveway,



he called me on my car phone
and cancelled.

So I was too humiliated to go back
in the house and face the sitter.

So don't ask me why,
I went to the zoo.

You wanna feel good
about yourself?

Put on your best outfit
and walk through the monkey house

on a Saturday night.

And be sure to stop by
and see Remo the Baboon

who knows all kinds of ways
to have fun without a date.

Feeling better about your problem?

Daphne and Donny
got engaged yesterday.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, and lucky me,
I had to sit there and watch, horrified.

Wasn't a thing I could do to stop it,

much like your
monkey-house experience.

I am so sorry, Niles. You really did
have a worse night than I did.

- Hey, Roz.
- Wait, I'm gaining on you.

Isn't this a splendiferous surprise?

- So, Roz, Dr. Crane, is this a date?
- No, no, no, just a chance meeting.

- Oh, great.
- Sorry.

So, Roz, where is this person
you told me you had a date with?

- That got cancelled.
- Oh, "cancelled," you say.

And here you are showing up
at my regular Saturday-night hangout.

Will the coincidences never stop?

Perhaps you'd care to join me
for a late supper.

No, Noel. As I said earlier today,
I am really not in the mood.

Playing hard to get, I see.

It's all part of the mating dance.
Watch and learn.

- Morning.
- Oh, Niles.

Armani at 8 in the morning
on a Sunday?

Yes, yes,
I'm having lunch with Maris.

With Maris?

Yeah, we scheduled this weeks ago.
She still has some of my first editions.

I thought she'd be amenable
to returning them

if I took her to her favourite bistro.

Well, then the worst you're out
is a cup of clear broth.

No, no, this is lunch. She takes
her large meal in the evening.

I'm sorry to barge in so early.
I had to get out of the Montana.

The couple next door
were just married.

They kept me up all week
with their boisterous lovemaking.

Why is it that
when you're by yourself,

there's nothing but couples in love
rubbing it in your face?

- Good morning.
- Oh, hi.

Are you gonna join us for breakfast?

- Well, actually...
- Oh, come on, you've got to.

I brought some pastries.

I didn't even hear you two
come in last night.

Yeah, well, we got in kind of late.
We took a long walk after dinner.

Yeah, it was great.

The streets were deserted,
it was all misty out.

It was like we were
the only two people in town.

I wonder if Maris would rather
have breakfast than lunch.

No, Niles, here, put that down.

Wait, now, Frasier,
if Niles wants to leave...

Dad, there is no reason for Niles
to feel awkward.

You're here,
it's not like he's some third wheel.

Good morning.

Hey.

You boys remember Bonnie
from McGinty's.

- Yes.
- I was at the Super Bowl, remember?

- I brought the ham loaf.
- Well, who could forget?

We talked about it long after.

It came up almost daily.

Aren't you sweet.

- I'm just gonna get some coffee.
- Okay.

You could've told me
you were having Faye over.

Well, I'm sorry, Dad,
I didn't realise you were seeing Bonnie.

I see her from time to time.

- You got a problem with Bonnie?
- Well, no.

If you're bringing it up,
I have second thoughts about Faye.

I liked the other one you were seeing,
Cassandra.

- She was a dish.
- Look, I don't care.

I prefer Faye.
I had to make a choice,

no matter how much fun it was
dating two beautiful women.

This morning just gets better
and better.

- Who wants coffee and pastry?
- Oh, nothing for me, thanks.

Are you sure?
I make a mean nut cake.

No, that's all right,
I'm meeting one for lunch.

So, Bonnie,
I see you've met Cassandra.

- Who?
- Oh, Lord, I'm sorry.

- Faye.
- Who's Cassandra?

My Aunt Cassandra, yes,
that must be the connection.

So you remind me a bit of her.

And, God, she was an angel,
wasn't she, Dad?

Oh, Cassandra? Great gal.
I wish she was around.

Eddie, good morning.
I bet you can't wait to meet Lady.

Yeah, we're getting Eddie together
with Bonnie's poodle.

We figure if we hit it off, maybe
something will happen for them.

Even dogs deserve happiness.

Okay, well, I'll be off.

Oh, hold on, you've got a loose button
right there.

- No, no, it's all right. No, no, please...
- No, it's about to come off. See?

Here, I'll sew it back on for you.

I've got needle and thread.

- You don't wanna lose it, do you?
- I'm trying not to.

- Frasier, I have to get out of here.
- Niles, Niles, listen, just relax.

There's no cause for an anxiety attack.
Come on.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Breathe into this.

I didn't know you were here last night.
Why doesn't someone say something?

We planned on going to my place,

but we ended up at a little piano bar
just around the corner from here.

It was such a charming spot,
so intimate.

And to top it off, the piano player
knew all my favourite songs.

"Yesterday,"
"As Long as He Needs Me,"

"Climb Ev'ry Mountain."

Wow, you threw him
some real curves there.

Hi. I'm Donny Douglas,
and I'm in love.

Listen to him. He embarrasses me
like that at least ten times a day.

And I just can't get enough of it.

- How are we coming on the button?
- I almost got the needle threaded.

You know, if anybody's hungry,

we've got plenty of goodies here
from Le Cigare Volant.

- Cassandra's the pastry chef there.
- She is? I thought I was.

I'm so sorry. God, I did it again.

I guess I must have her name
on my mind.

Well, that's okay,
just try to remember mine.

- Faye.
- Yeah, Faye, of course.

Oh, Faye.

I'm kind of glad this worked out.

Neither Daphne nor I
has any family here in Seattle.

What I'd like to do
is I'd like to make this

our engagement breakfast...

...surrounded by friends
who treat us like family.

And I'd like to dedicate it

to the woman who's filled my life
with a joy I never thought I'd find.

- Hear, hear.
- Hear, hear.

Oh, Marty, I'm gonna cry.

- Oh, jeez.
- Oh, my God, look at that ring.

That's it for today.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane

saying goodbye
and good mental health.

Nice job there, Roz.

Could you try to find callers
that have real psychological problems?

Your dad's on line two.

I meant during the show, thanks.

Yeah, Dad, hi.

What? Again? Well, that's
the third time he's cancelled this week.

You know, if he's been so Ionely,

you'd think he'd be glad
for my company. Well...

Well, all right, no matter.
I guess I'll see you at home in a while.

Well, I don't know, later.

I don't know, maybe an hour,
two hours, I don't know.

Oh, for God's sake.

Look, just hang a tie on the door
if you're so worried about it.

Is everything okay, Frasier?

Oh, yeah, yeah, Roz.
I was just thinking about something.

You know, it's funny how Ioneliness

can make people behave
in strange ways.

What do you mean?

Well, you know, do things
that are sort of rash, you know,

act out of character.

I knew someone would find out
about it.

Who told you? Did he tell you?

- I'll kill him.
- Roz.

Please, Frasier, don't tell anybody else.
Oh, I beg you.

It was one night.
One Ionely, stupid night.

What are you talking about?

- You don't know?
- No. What happened?

- Nothing. I'll see you tomorrow.
- No, Roz, Roz, Roz. Stay right here.

Now, you listen to me,
I am your friend, you know that.

I would never judge you.

Now, just how stupid and Ionely
were you?

It's the last person
I ever would have dreamed of.

I just guess I haven't been...

I haven't been dating much lately,
and I've just been so Ionely.

Oh, my God, you slept with Noel.

No! Oh, how could you even think
such a thing?

All right, now, listen, listen, just tell me.
Now, who was it?

Nobody. It doesn't matter.
It was a mistake. It's over.

I just wanna forget it ever happened.

No, Roz, Roz, listen, you know,
we've all been there.

Come on, you were just looking
for a little comfort.

It's all right.
No reason to beat yourself up about it.

Hey, baby, I'm sorry I had to skip out
before breakfast.

- Oh, Bulldog.
- Bulldog?

- Bulldog.
- Bulldog!

Oh, Frasier,
swear you won't tell anybody else.

So you told the doc, huh?
Guess you just had to brag, huh?

Hey, hey, I don't blame you.
I told a few guys myself.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

- Gee, where have I heard that before?
- I'll just leave you two alone.

- I'm right behind you.
- Gee, where have I heard that before?

Stop that.

Look, Bulldog,
last night was a mistake.

I will regret it for the rest of my life.

And if you ever bring it up again,
I promise you, you will regret it.

Hey.

- Your place tonight.
- Ten o'clock. Use the service elevator.

- How's the speech coming along?
- Oh, it's almost finished.

So though you are graduating today,
your learning is just begun.

There's something in the cushions
back here.

- What, you found something?
- Yeah, it's...

Oh, it's a cell phone.
Is this Frasier's?

No, he had his when he left for work
this morning.

Must be his brother's.
I'll tell him the next time he's over.

I'm gonna finish tidying up
the kitchen.

Hello.

- Hey, Fras.
- Hello, Donny.

Hope I didn't come home
at an inconvenient moment.

No, your timing's perfect, actually.
One egg roll left.

- Nice hands.
- Yes, they were.

- Here's your drink.
- Oh, thanks. Isn't she great?

She takes me on a three-mile run
and then feeds me diet soda.

I thought I'd hate healthy living,
but, you know, it ain't so bad.

Daphne, why are you wearing
that rubber glove?

What, this? I was doing the dishes.

- With just one?
- It's the English way.

You wash with the left,
dry with the right.

Started during the war, I think,
when rubber was rationed.

Oh, yes.

- Can I see you in the kitchen?
- Yes, of course.

Let me just call Niles first.
He cancelled on me again today.

I'll just be a second here. I just gotta
check up on a case I'm finishing.

Poor bastard,
I'm really taking him to the cleaners.

Well, perhaps you'd be so kind
as to bring the couch along.

Yes, Daphne?

I'm afraid a terrible thing
has happened.

- I've lost my engagement ring.
- Where was the last place you saw it?

Well, that's just it,
I've searched everywhere.

I'm terrified Donny will find out.

You can't go around
hiding your hand forever.

You're gonna have to tell him. He's
a reasonable man, he'll understand.

I suppose you're right.

No, you're negligent, pal.
You're criminally irresponsible.

You were careless
and you're gonna pay for it. Yeah.

- Here you go, boss.
- Thank you.

- Hey, Daph?
- Yes, love?

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just stuffing the bird
for Dr. Crane's dinner.

Listen, unfortunately,
I'm gonna have to work late.

I'm gonna just pop in the shower
and leave.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, that's okay. Absence just
makes the heart grow fonder.

You know, Daphne,
if that ring never turns up,

that chicken works too.
Just see how it catches the light.

Oh, stop it. I'm just gonna have
another look in the bedroom.

All right.

Yeah, hello?

Niles, it's Frasier.

Yes, listen, I've tried you at your office,
I've tried you at home,

now I'm calling your cell phone.

If I don't reach you now, I'm actually
going to get very worried about you.

Hello?

Yes, hello.
Is Niles Crane there, please?

I don't know, I just got here.
Let me go check.

Frasier, have you seen Niles?

- I'm just trying to reach him, Dad.
- Oh, okay.

No, I'm sorry, he's not here,

but I'll write your name down
and give it to him.

Wait a minute, I gotta find a pen.

- Fras, have you seen...?
- Dad, please, I'm on the phone.

Well, I'm sorry,
I was just looking for a pen. Forget it.

Hello? Listen, could you maybe
call back in an hour?

- Dad.
- Would you mind, please?

I'm on the phone.

Dad, it's me.

Frasier, what are you doing?
Why'd you call from the kitchen?

- You could have just walked in here.
- Just hang up the phone.

For God's sake,
it must be Niles' cell phone...

Gee, that's strange. You know,
he's never without that phone.

And what's more, he's been
avoiding me for the last three days.

Oh, cut him a little slack.

Seeing the six of us the other morning
couldn't have done much for his mood.

He's probably just gone off somewhere
to be by himself.

I just hope
he hasn't done something foolish.

Remember, he was having brunch
with Maris on Sunday.

Oh, that was just business.

Yeah. Well, you know, Dad,
he is broken-hearted.

People in his condition have
a tendency to run back to their exes.

A Ionely man clinging
to an available warm body.

Well, of course, in Maris' case,
that's just an expression.

He just spent two years divorcing her,
he's not gonna go back to her.

Yeah, I hope you're right.

Say, didn't you have plans today
with Bonnie?

No, it was cut short.

- We had an incident.
- What happened?

Well, we took the dogs
to this park near Bonnie's,

and I knew there'd be a little
sizing each other up and everything,

but this poodle of hers, Lady,
which she ain't,

walks up to Eddie, knocks him over,

and then sits her big French butt
right on his head.

- You're kidding.
- No.

And the worst thing was he
just laid there whimpering and took it.

And Bonnie,
she thought it was really cute.

I mean, what kind of a person
likes to see a dog humiliated?

Dad, may I remind you
that not a holiday goes by

that you don't dress that dog up
in some sort of ridiculous hat?

There's nothing wrong with those hats.
He looks good in hats.

He's got a hat face.

Well, he was probably just intimidated
being in Lady's park, you know?

Wait till he gets over
to this side of town.

He owns that park.
Even the big dogs are scared of him.

That's because they've seen him
in his hats, they think he's crazy.

It's Niles' cell phone.

Hello? Niles Crane's phone.

Yes, it's his brother.
I'll be glad to tell him. Thank you.

Well, that was St. Pierre Jewelers.

The diamond earrings Niles ordered
are ready.

Diamond earrings?

From Maris' favourite jeweller.
You know what?

He's too ashamed to tell us
that he's run back to her.

Oh, now, stop that, you're scaring me.
He doesn't have to be with Maris.

Maybe he's hurt.
Maybe he's in a hospital or something.

We've got to track him down
and talk some sense into him.

We'll head over to the Montana.
If he's not there, we'll go to Maris'.

Well, I don't wanna go to Niles'
and I sure don't wanna go to Maris'.

This is not about what you or I want,
this is about what Niles needs.

The man is devastated,
he's vulnerable.

We need to rally around him,
show him our support.

- Why didn't we do this on Sunday?
- We had our girlfriends over.

Dad, what are you doing back there?
What are you so worried about?

What do you think?
Running into Maris.

You know how angry she gets.

I just wish we had a sharp stick
or a heavy net or something.

- Niles.
- Yes?

Where have you been? You haven't
even answered any of my calls.

Frasier, I am so sorry.
I'll call you tomorrow.

No, no, no.
I wanna talk to you right now.

Well, I can't, I'm entertaining,
so off you go.

We're not leaving without you.
Put on your shower shoes and a coat.

- Let's get out of here.
- What is wrong with you?

I know how difficult the last
three weeks have been for you,

but I am sorry,
you are making a big mistake.

This is not the way to handle it.

- So you know what's going on?
- Yes, Niles.

How did this whole thing
even get started?

Well, we had an impromptu coffee
at the Caf? Nervosa,

and that led to a movie,
and that led to dinner,

and then ever since then,
we've been practically inseparable.

And to tell you the truth,
we're kind of happy about it.

How do you even know about this?

Your jeweller called.
Your diamond earrings are ready.

Oh, well, thank you for the message.
Now, go away.

No, Niles, no.
I'm sorry, we're not going anywhere.

You may consider this
a full-blown intervention.

We're not leaving until you have got
some self-respect back.

Niles, you know what we should
do tonight? Oh, hi.

Build a fire and make Smores.

Might also wanna get
some graham crackers.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't know we had company.

- No, no, that's okay, Kit. This is...
- Wait, I know you from the caf?.

Cappuccino, light foam. And you too,
coffee black, nothing fancy.

Isn't that good?

Kit, this is my father, Martin,
and my brother, Frasier.

- Yes, how do you do?
- Really? I see it. Cool.

You know, this is sort of a surprise.

I guess I didn't expect to see
the two of you together.

Oh, I had my eye on him
from the minute I saw him.

He's always so neat and put together.
I just wanted to mess him up.

And mission accomplished.

So, Niles, you haven't seen Maris then
since Sunday?

Is that who you thought
I was here with?

That's funny.
No wonder you were upset.

- Who's Maris?
- That's my ex-wife.

Oh, well, if you wanna see her too,
that's cool.

I told you, no strings, just fun.

You always want your kids
to have more than you had.

Niles, pick up, will you? It's Frasier.

All right, fine. Call me later.

I don't even know
why I bother anymore.

He doesn't pick up phones these days,
just waitresses.

Give him a break,
he's just having fun.

That's what I'd expect to hear

from someone willing to spend
the night as Bulldog's squeak toy.

That is not funny. It was one night,

and I would appreciate it
if you would just let it drop.

You're right, I'm sorry,
that was tactless of me.

Let me make it up to you.
I've got an extra theatre ticket tonight.

Faye's busy.
Why don't you join me?

- No, thanks.
- No, please, Roz.

Look, it's a delightful little show,
and I'll even throw in dinner.

- Busy.
- Really? A date?

I have plans. Plans.
What are you, a cop?

I got to account
for every waking minute?

- My private life is my own business.
- Bulldog.

I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm weak, I can't stop myself.

- Yes, you can.
- Okay, I don't wanna stop myself.

He's good, he's really good.
I mean, I'm better, but he's trainable.

Roz, it's Bulldog.
Doesn't that bother you?

You'd think.

- Hey, doc.
- Bulldog.

Oh, Roz, you still gonna help me write
those promos for my show tonight?

- Around 10:00?
- It's okay, Bulldog, he knows.

Yes, but high marks
on that cryptic cover story.

Well, I gotta make a call.

Station manager's been
calling me all day.

I made us a reservation.

Thought maybe we could
get a little dinner first.

You mean eat together?

Yeah. I'll be right back.

That's beautiful, Roz.

- Oh, God, this ruins everything.
- What?

Well, didn't you hear what he said?
He wants to buy me dinner.

Do you realise what this means?

They finally opened that new Hooters
out by the airport?

No, he's crossed the line.
He actually thinks we're dating.

Roz, didn't your mother warn you that
sex could lead to things like dating?

Look, that is it. I'm gonna put an end
to this before it goes too far.

Can't believe it.

They just fired me.

What?

Yeah, said my ratings were low,
show's losing its edge, I'm getting soft.

- My last day's Friday.
- Oh, Bulldog, I'm so sorry.

- Are you all right?
- No, I'm not.

This stinks. This is total B.S. You don't
think I'm getting soft, do you?

No, no, not at all. Here.

I just thank God
I got a girlfriend like you, Roz.

I don't think I could face this alone.

There, there.

Daphne.

- Morning, Dad.
- Hi.

Yes?

Daphne, please, Donny's not here.

Will you just take your hand
out of the bag?

I was just undressing
to take my bath,

and I sat on the edge of the tub
and landed on this.

Oh, my God, you found my ring.

I'd given up. I thought
it was some place I'd never find it.

It very nearly was.

- Come on, let me have it.
- No, rinse off this doodle dust first.

- Oh, right, of course.
- All right, yeah.

Well, you sure saved Daphne there.

Yes, I also did myself
a little favour as well.

Can you imagine what conclusions
Faye might have jumped to

had she found this engagement ring
in my room?

- Frasier, for me? I had no idea.
- Well, actually...

It's beautiful. It's so beautiful.
Yes, Frasier, I do, I do.

Oh, calm down, you big dope.
I know it's Daphne's ring.

And I can't tell you
how flattered I am

by those beads of sweat
on your forehead.

No, they're love beads, honey.
Oh, God. Will you take this thing?

Well, I don't want it.
What if Bonnie sees me with it?

Sees you with what?

Daphne, will you come in here
and take this damn ring, please?

- Coming.
- Sit down, have a little coffee.

Good morning, everybody.

- Hi.
- Another full house, I see.

Yes, and that robe is available
for purchase in the gift shop.

- Hi.
- Good morning.

- Oh, you found your ring.
- What? You knew it was gone?

Well, Daphne, when your fianc?e gives
you a hug with a chicken on her hand,

then bells go off.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, it's okay, honey.

I didn't wanna say anything.

I knew it'd turn up sooner or later,
I didn't wanna make you feel worse.

As long as we're tying up loose ends,
I was just wondering,

what was your ring doing
on the edge of my Jacuzzi tub

right next to my favourite
scented candle

which was burned down
to the wick?

I'm gonna let my attorney
handle this one.

I'm sorry, Fras. You know,
I guess after a little champagne,

we got into the mood and into the nude
and into the tub.

So... And, you know, don't worry,
we'll replace the candle.

If only you could replace the image.

Next time, if you don't mind,

would you just turn down
the temperature a little?

Actually, we tried,
but the knob was stuck.

Yeah, it does that.
You gotta jiggle it a little.

Don't worry, it's not what you think.
We use it to give Eddie a bath.

- Hey, guys, how are you doing?
- Hi, Dad.

- Morning.
- Nice to see you.

- Well, you're up early.
- You mean still up.

- We never went to bed.
- We'll get there.

- What'd you do all night?
- Oh, well, what didn't we do?

We started off at a concert,

a wonderful group
called Uncle Dirt Nap.

Then we danced the night away
at every club in the U District

before finding ourselves
at an after-party

at Kit's friend, Massimo's place.
He's a squatter.

Anyway, I wanted to give Kit
the keys to my building,

and I have a spare set here,
so I thought we'd pop by.

- Well, then let me get them for you.
- Thanks.

I can offer you a pastry
courtesy of Le Cigare Volant.

No, thanks. You know, those things
are loaded with bleached flour.

That stuff's poison.

Niles, give me your cell phone.
I'll call the travel agent.

- Oh, you going on a trip?
- Yeah.

He's taking me to France
for the weekend, Euro Disney.

Massimo said we just had to go.
Apparently it is so lame it's cool.

Well, I should get going.

- Places to go, people to poison.
- I should get going too.

I'll pick up Lady and meet you
and Eddie at the park at 10:30?

- Better make it 11.
- Okay, I'll see you then.

- Bye. Oh, bye, Bonnie.
- Bye, Frasier.

- Frasier, isn't she great?
- Oh, yes.

She's so free, so spontaneous.
She has breathed new life into me.

You may have to return the favour.

- Am I detecting disapproval?
- No, no, Niles, not at all. I'm just...

Well, all right. Don't you think you two
are going just a bit quickly?

For the past year, you've told me
I had to get over Daphne,

find someone else. Now I do,
and all you can do is find fault?

Man, you are such a buzzkill.

Will you stop talking like that?
I'm just a little concerned, Niles.

You met this girl last week
and she's spent every night with you.

You're giving her the keys
to your apartment.

I think you're just jealous.

- Jealous?
- Yes.

Here I have attracted
this untamed free spirit.

You're saddled
with an uptight pastry chef

whose name you can't remember.

Her name is Faye.

And I am not jealous,
I'm just a little worried about you.

- I'm afraid you might get hurt.
- Oh, here we go.

Whatever would I do
without my wise older brother

to tell me what to do?

Frankly, you couldn't be acting
more like a child.

You think I don't know the reason
you came here?

It wasn't to get your keys, it was
to show off Lolita's kid sister out there.

The two of you have
absolutely nothing in common.

- Well, we're all set for Euro Disney.
- Oh, great. You ready to go home?

- Oh, sure. Bye, Frasier.
- Bye.

Oh, I'm so excited for this trip.

I'm gonna spend all my time
in Fantasyland.

Oh, Niles, I'm sorry, I take it back.
You do have something in common.

Isn't that a darling sight?

Time was, when a waitress said,
"Can I warm that up for you,"

she was talking about your coffee.

How was your date with Bulldog
last night?

Hideous.

He took me to a nice restaurant,
he bought me flowers,

and then we went back to his place
and cuddled.

All I could think of the whole time was,
"How do I dump this loser?"

Oh, Roz.

He's meeting me here for coffee, and
I'm ending this thing once and for all.

Yeah, well,
good luck getting a cup of coffee.

You know, it's the funniest thing,
he really does look happy, doesn't he?

- Yeah, so just leave it alone.
- Oh, maybe you're right.

Do you realise that this is the first time
in recent history

that all three Crane men
have been in happy relationships?

Maybe I should be celebrating that fact
rather than being such a buzzkill.

- What does that mean?
- Oh, Roz, plug in.

Hi, honey, it's Frasier.

Listen, I just read a marvellous review
of this charming bo?te out in Fremont,

and I thought to myself, "That is a
place that Cassandra would just love."

- So...
- Frasier.

- Not now, Roz, please...
- You just called her Cassandra.

Oh, dear God, I'm...

My producer, Roz, informs me
that I just called you Cassandra.

I'm sorry,
I don't know why I keep doing this.

I know that you're Faye.
Fabulous Faye. Forever Faye.

Call me, Faye.

It is one syllable.
What the hell is wrong with me?

Well, I'm glad to see
that you think it's funny.

No, I don't, I'm just...

I'm having a flashback
to my summer of Ted, Todd and Tad.

- Hey, sports fans.
- Bulldog, hi. You know what?

You may have my seat.
I'm gonna sit over there.

All right.

Hey, gorgeous.

You and I need to talk about
what's been going on between us.

- I know.
- We're in public.

Look, look, I wanna tell you
what's going on in here, okay?

- Bulldog, I don't wanna know...
- No, Roz, I gotta be honest with you.

This past week has been amazing.

But I met a total babe
at Unemployment this morning

and we're going to Hawaii
this afternoon.

- What?
- I know, I know.

Getting dumped, ouch,
it hurts like hell.

No, no, I don't believe this.
I came here to dump you.

Hey, whatever you gotta say
to get through this, it's okay with me.

No, no, no, I know, I know. I didn't
mean to make you fall in love with me.

- I didn't, you repulse me.
- Hey, love hurts, Roz.

And I'm not talking about the time
we fell off the kitchen table.

Aloha, old friend.

Bulldog, you cuddle lousy
and I'm glad you got fired.

- Well, timing is everything.
- Back off, buzzkill.

- Hey, Fras.
- Oh, hey, Dad.

Black coffee to go, please.

- You okay?
- I just broke it off with Bonnie.

Oh, gee, I'm so sorry.
What happened?

Lady humped Eddie.

- Excuse me?
- You heard me. It was humiliating.

Yeah, but Eddie's a boy dog
and Lady is, well, a lady.

Yes, well, that would be
the humiliating part, now, wouldn't it?

Right in his own park
in front of all these other dogs.

Yeah, Bonnie got a big kick
out of it too.

- Sorry.
- And I told her off, and that was it.

Sorry, Dad.

- It's not funny.
- I know, I know, I know.

Was he wearing a hat?

No, no, Dad, Dad, please,
come back, come on.

- Hi, Martin.
- Hey, Faye.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi.

I was near the station, so I thought
I'd just see if you were around.

Well, great.
Oh, Roz, you remember Faye.

Hi, Faye.

You were going to say Cassandra,
weren't you?

- Why would you think such a thing?
- Well, I just checked my messages.

I'm so sorry.
I don't know why it keeps happening.

You just have
this remarkable resemblance...

I know, I know, your aunt.

- I'll be right back.
- I have got to stop saying "Cassandra."

- Frasier.
- Cassandra.

- Hi, Roz.
- Hi, Cassandra.

- So how have you been?
- Great.

I've been wanting to talk to you
for a while.

We've been sort of avoiding each other
at work, and it just all seems so silly.

I mean, I really don't have
any hard feelings

about the way things ended
between us.

Oh, well, that's wonderful.
You know, neither do I.

You dumped me.

You're not allowed to have
hard feelings.

Anyway, my life is great.

- I'm back together with Sloane.
- Oh, well...

You and I should have coffee
some time.

That would be nice, yes.

I'm glad we're putting
all this awkwardness behind us.

Me too.

- Frasier.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Well...
- Whoa, I gotta get back to work.

You going back to the station?

- Yes.
- Good, I'll walk with you.

Oh, my gosh, look at the time.
We better hurry.

- Bye, Frasier. Bye-bye, Faye.
- Bye-bye, love you.

Yes, you do.

- Who was that?
- You know Roz.

- No, no, no, the other one.
- Oh, she's the promotions director.

- Yeah, well, she's gorgeous.
- Oh, you think so?

- I never really looked.
- Well, don't start looking now.

If I'm gonna stay,
I should feed the metre.

Lucky metre.

- Hey, there, Frasier.
- Oh, Niles, hi.

Listen, Niles, I want to apologise
for getting upset this morning.

I've been giving it some thought.

I think maybe
Kit is just what the doctor ordered.

Is she ever.

And no strings, just fun, right?

- That's what she said.
- Exactly.

- So you really like her?
- Yes, I do.

- And you're not just saying that?
- Absolutely not.

You want her?

- Excuse me?
- Frasier, she's killing me.

I'm just not cut out for this lifestyle.

Between seeing myself in a mirror
at the club

dancing my modified Charleston

and catching my reflection
in a store window this morning

as I Rollerbladed past in spandex...

...I feel like I'm being stalked
by some pathetic, middle-aged ghoul.

I just... Obviously,
I've gotta break it off with her.

Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry, Niles.
You gonna tell her now?

No, no, no,
I'll arrange to meet her after work.

Tell you the truth,
I think she's losing interest herself.

I couldn't help notice
a little eye-rolling today

when my skate wheel got stuck
in a storm grate.

And thanks for not saying
"I told you so."

Hey, Kit, there's something
I wanted to talk to you about later.

Just talk to me now.
You know you can tell me anything.

Well, yeah,
I'd rather do it after your shift.

You have such a serious face.

What, are we breaking up
or something?

Well...

Oh, my God. You just dumped me

right here where I work,
in front of everyone I wait on?

- Okay, we'll go outside. It's...
- Why? Give me an answer!

- Kit, Kit, calm down. It's all right.
- What, you're tired of me?

- Is that what it is?
- No, no.

- You've had enough of me?
- No, no, no.

I gave you everything,
and you used me.

- No, no, no, honey...
- Sex, sex, sex!

The way you come to bed every night
wanting it, begging for it!

- I never had to beg.
- I'm just a whore to you, aren't I?

No, don't say that.

Yes, I am. Your whore,
your whore from the caf?!

It was really
more of a compatibility thing.

I'm recently divorced
and I've been under a lot of strain.

Niles, no.

- It's been painful for everyone.
- They're strangers. It's all right.

Let's just pick this up, shall we?

Here, you take that, I'll get this.

- What happened?
- I'm not really sure, actually.

- Just give me a minute, will you?
- Excuse me, is Frasier still here?

- I had something I needed to ask him.
- Oh, yeah, he's over there.

I didn't get a chance
to meet you before.

- I'm Faye.
- Oh, how do you do? I'm...

No!

Well, you know,
this is a charming little place.

I live around the corner,
I've never been in before.

What'll it be?

Martini, straight up, two olives,
henceforth known as the usual.

- Hey.
- Niles.

I called Daphne.
She said you'd be here.

- Oh, yeah.
- It's a cosy room.

Guess it'll have to do,
because the old whoremonger

won't be going back to Nervosa
any time soon.

Yeah, I'm pretty much exiled
from Le Cigare Volant

with Faye working there.

- Well, I plan to get stinking tonight.
- Thank you.

May I see your wine list?

Hey, guys.

- Dad.
- Dad. What are you doing here?

Oh, saw Niles' car out front,
so I thought I'd stop in for a drink.

I can't go to McGinty's anymore
with Bonnie there.

And Eddie's taking a break
from the park.

Well, come join us here on Elba.

- What can I get you?
- Jameson's on the rocks.

And I'll try the white.

Well, here we are again,
losers in love.

Yeah. You know, I don't know
what's wrong with me.

I seem incapable of maintaining
a relationship.

I date a nice girl like Faye,
things seem to be working out.

I seem to find a way to blow it.

Seems to be the pattern of my life.

Well, except with Lilith.
She was just nuts.

Well, at least you take your time.
I don't date, I leap, headfirst.

Thank you.

More often than not,
I get my heart broken.

By Maris.

By Daphne,
even if she didn't know it.

At least Kit only broke
my box spring.

All I can conclude is that I must have
some deeper issues with women

that manifest themselves
in my behaviour.

- The trick is to pinpoint them.
- Well, you know what I'm thinking?

I'm thinking of taking some time off
and going into deep analysis.

That's not a bad idea, Niles.

You know, Steven Bachman
is at the absolute pinnacle

of psychodynamic research.
Perhaps we should see him.

If we went in together,
we could get a rate.

- Shouldn't take more than a year.
- That's optimistic.

Jeez, how do you guys get up
in the morning?

You wanna go into deep analysis?
Listen to me, I'm your father,

there's nothing wrong
with either one of you.

You dump a woman,
but can't get her off your mind,

so you get dumped by the other one.

And you should've stayed with
the first one anyway, she was hotter.

And you, you're just learning
how to date.

It would've been nice
if it happened 25 years ago,

but you play the cards you're dealt.

Me, I like Bonnie,

Bonnie's dog humps Eddie,
I don't like Bonnie anymore.

Doesn't mean I have issues
with women, it's just life.

You know, good stuff happens
and bad stuff happens, that's all.

You just gotta look on the bright side.
It's like that old song:

You gotta accentuate the positive

Maybe Dad's right.
We do tend to overanalyse things.

- Hey, I got an idea.
- What?

Let's go over here.
Let's do a little singing.

- Dad, no.
- No, come on.

Hey, buddy, can you play
"Accentuate the Positive"?

Oh, no, I'm just noodling around.
The real pianist doesn't come till 9.

Oh, well...
Well, you can fake it, can't you?

Well, no, not really.
I actually only know three songs.

"America the Beautiful,"
"Happy Birthday," and "Goldfinger."

- That's all right, buddy.
- No, no, no, come on, guys.

We were gonna sing a happy song,
let's sing a happy song, come on.

Play "Goldfinger."

- We don't know the words to that.
- No.

You knew it when you were kids.
It'll cheer you up. Come on.

- Hit it.
- All right.

Goldfinger.

Goldfinger

He's the man,
the man with the Midas touch.

He's the man
The man with the Midas touch

A spider's touch.

A spider's touch

Such a cold finger.

- Dad, this is ridiculous.
- Come on, sing it.

Such a cold finger

Beckons you to enter his web of sin

That's it.

But don't go in