Frasier (1993–2004): Season 6, Episode 21 - When a Man Loves Two Women - full transcript

Know what I could go for?
Some fried eggs and bacon.

- Here's your bran flakes.
- Oh, fine.

Oh, hot.

- Don't give him any toast.
- I'm not.

Lifestyle, Sports and recycling.

Yes, we see you, Eddie.
Eight o'clock on the dot.

Well, he's a dog.
What do you expect?

He's a creature of habit.

- Good morning, all.
- Hey, Fras.

- Dad, Daphne.
- Go on.

- Morning.
- Say, Dad,



you remember that woman
I went out with on Valentine's Day,

but I wasn't quite sure
if it was a romantic thing?

Yeah, that new publicity woman
at the station.

Yes, Cassandra Stone.

Well, I asked her out again last night,
and I got my answer.

Oh, I'm sorry, Fras.

No, I'm not finished.

That's the spirit. You hang in there.

You know, Dr. Crane,

someone once said
that long periods of abstinence

can actually refresh the soul.

- Good morning, everyone.
- That someone was me

and I was full of it.
Everyone, this is Cassandra.

You must be Frasier's dad.
I've heard all about you.



- Marty Crane.
- Nice to meet you.

Well, nice to meet you too.

You are so cute.

Now I see where Frasier
got those gorgeous eyes.

And this is Daphne Moon,
my father's home-healthcare worker.

Hello.

Are you gonna join us for breakfast?

Oh, I could go for an English muffin.

Perhaps our own English muffin
could fetch that for you.

- Or I could get it.
- No, no, I'll get it myself.

Way to go, Fras. I like her.

Gee, I wonder why.

"Now I see where Frasier
gets those gorgeous eyes."

Niles.

Hurry up and get dressed.
Frasier, we'll lose our court.

I must warn you,
I may be unbeatable today.

Our squash pro, Octavio,
taught me a backhand slice

that could shave
the bristles off a kiwi fruit.

Niles, I'm afraid we may
have to reschedule today.

You see, I had a date last night.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah...

Hey, but there's no sense
moping around.

Game of squash
is the best thing for you.

I can't think of a better way
to lift your spirits.

- Good morning.
- Keep thinking.

I tell you, Roz, the entire evening
was pure magic.

Well, I'm happy for you.

You have been in a dry spell,
haven't you?

Oh, no, Roz. Actually, that was just
the calm before the storm.

I assure you, we are in the midst
of a full-blown love hurricane.

You were so much easier to be around
when you were horny and pathetic.

I'm sorry. I have been
monopolising the conversation.

So, what's going on with you?

Well, actually,
it has been a really exciting week.

Of course, Alice's first birthday party
is this Sunday,

and we're having 12
of her little friends over.

She loves bears,

so the whole party's gonna be
this bear theme:

Party favours, bear cake.

I'm gonna dress up like a bear, I think,
and do a little bear dance.

That's really great
about you and Cassandra.

Yes, yes. We're really
hitting it off, I think.

Frasier?

- Faye.
- Hi.

Oh, my God.

Hey.

Hi, it's been a while.

Gosh, oh, Faye Moskowitz,
this is my producer, Roz Doyle.

- Hey.
- How are you?

So, what have you been up to?

Well, I just got back from Paris.

Really? I didn't even know
you'd gone.

You didn't get my message?

Oh, Frasier, before I forget,
Faye called.

She's going to France for a month.

- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.

It's great to see you.

- We should get together for coffee.
- I'd love to.

I'm on my way out.
Why don't you take my seat?

- Thanks, if that's all right with you.
- Of course.

Great. Well, I'll put some money
in my meter.

What are you doing?
I can't have coffee with her.

Why not?
Obviously, she's still interested.

I'm seeing Cassandra,
for God's sakes.

I can't date two people at once.

Well, it doesn't have
to be on the same night.

If you're good at faking a headache,
don't mind getting changed in the car...

Roz.

Well, did you tell Cassandra
you were gonna be exclusive to her?

No.

So then you're just dating.

Relax. It's supposed to be fun.
Just see where it takes you.

That sort of lifestyle's all right
for some people but not for me.

I'm a one-woman man, if that.

Okay, suit yourself. Keep it platonic.

Well, that's easy for you to say.

How do you tell somebody
that you're attracted to them

but you just can't sleep with them?

I guess you just say...

You just say...

I'll ask around.

You know what I feel like
this morning?

Some French toast
and sausage patties.

- Here's your bran flakes.
- Oh, fine.

Oh, hot.

You're not giving him any toast,
are you?

Of course not.

- Oh, morning.
- Oh, hey.

- Morning.
- I didn't hear you come in last night.

Did you have a date?

Well, I guess that answers that.

Well, ease up there.
Cassandra's a great gal.

Women like her
don't come along every day.

Morning.

No, they certainly don't.

Dad, Daphne, you remember Faye?

- Hi, Martin, it's good to see you again.
- Oh, yeah, likewise.

And, Daphne, you look gorgeous.

Did you get your hair cut
since the last time I saw you?

Oh, yes, I did. Thank you.

Can I fix you some breakfast?

I have really gotta run.
I'm running late.

I have to call my friend at the museum
to get tickets for that Seurat exhibit.

- I just hope it's not sold out.
- Well, if it is, que Seurat Seurat.

Yeah, that was funnier the first time.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

What happened to Cassandra?

Obviously, he dumped her
for someone better.

I haven't dumped anyone.

You mean you're dating
both of them?

Oh, no, I didn't intend to.
It's just that, well...

I ran into Faye. I was about to tell her
about Cassandra.

It's just that we were enjoying
our coffee so much

that coffee turned into dinner,
and then dinner turned into drinks,

and then drinks turned into,
well, coffee again.

Damn, I completely forgot
I rescheduled squash with Niles.

Don't be angry at me
for still being in my robe.

I won't. I wish I were in mine.

Cassandra, what a surprise.

- I brought you some pastries.
- Isn't that thoughtful of you?

- Here we are.
- Hi, Martin, Dixie.

Cassandra! It's...

You know, I'd love it
if you could stay.

I've got to go pick up my brother
for squash.

- Morning, all.
- Well, isn't that a timesaver.

You know, I've still gotta go
get dressed anyway.

And I'll just see you
back at the station.

- Okay. All right. Have a good game.
- All right. Bye.

Oh, you know, I'll just use
the powder room before I go.

Yeah.

This is a disaster!

- What is?
- Hi, Niles.

Oh, I'm up to speed.

- Morning.
- Well, I guess I'll just be...

- What?
- We just noticed:

There's a nest of baby hummingbirds
on the balcony,

and we're just keeping
our voices down. You run along.

Hummingbirds made it
to the 19th floor?

Yes, well, they're
Himalayan mountain hummers.

- They're very rare. Bye-bye.
- Okay. I'll see you later.

- What are you doing?
- I was just standing guard.

You know, the door is...
The lock's broken on it.

Sometimes Dad
just wanders in, you know.

Well, I know you've got your game.

- I'll just get out of your hair.
- Right.

- Goodbye, everyone.
- Bye.

Aren't I gonna get a hug first?
Come on.

Oh, of course.

Are you all right?

Oh, yes. It's just, you're so hard
to say goodbye to.

Well, time's a-wasting. Off you go.

- Bye-bye.
- All right.

Got any more hiding
in the grotto, Hef?

Oh, for God's sakes.

Oh, I'm just not up
to this sort of thing.

What made me think I could juggle?

I sure as hell don't know. You couldn't
catch a balloon till you were 10.

Yes, thank you, Dad.

My problem is that each of them

appeals to different sides
of my personality.

Faye is artistic and cerebral
and cultured.

And Cassandra is passionate
and fun and spontaneous.

Well, my vote sure goes
for Cassandra.

Oh, you would say that.

Any young woman who shows you
any attention,

you're ready to sign
over your pension cheque.

- I think he should go for Faye.
- Oh, Faye, Faye.

If he wants some boring, artsy-fartsy
conversation he's got Niles.

Yes, well, my point is
I am really torn here.

I feel as if I honestly cannot choose.

I think I might be able
to help you with this.

Heads, it's Faye. Tails, Cassandra.

Oh, this is the sort of thing that makes
a woman feel really special.

You're gonna flip a coin? The decision
cannot be made that simply.

It's not gonna be that simple.

The chances of Niles
catching that quarter

- are about the same as you...
- Enough, Dad!

Just go with me on this, Frasier.
Heads, it's Faye. Tails, Cassandra.

And the winner is...

Admit it. You want me
to say one name more than the other.

Niles, you're right, I do. Cassandra.

Yes!

- There you have it.
- Thank you. Thank you, Niles.

Well, what a relief.

You know, my life was perfectly happy
before Faye came back, you know.

Yes, it's Cassandra. She's the one.

Next time I see Faye,
I'll just have to tell her it's over.

Oh, gosh, Niles, I'm sorry.
I'm afraid we've lost our court again.

Do you mind rescheduling
just once more?

- All right, that's fine.
- I gotta hand it to you, Frasier.

You had a tough decision to make
but you made it.

Heck, I can't even decide whether to
have the strawberry or the grape jelly.

Dad, I still have my trusty quarter.

Let's say heads, grape.
Tails, strawberry.

Niles, Niles!

Are you all right?

You gotta wonder what goes on
on that squash court.

You know what I could go for
this morning?

A big old Spanish omelette.

Here's your bran flakes.

What's that?

Your yellow bowl broke
in the dishwasher.

- Well, don't you have another one?
- Afraid not.

Well, red, yellow,
what difference does it make?

- Oh, excuse me.
- Sorry.

Oh, hot.

You know, I don't like this red bowl.
It's throwing everything off.

You know, I think we do have
another yellow bowl.

Why don't you go and sit down,
and I'll fetch it for you?

Okay.

Back off. I need this.

Oh, good morning, Dad.

Everything go all right
with Faye last night?

She didn't take the breakup
too hard, did she?

- Not really.
- Well, I'm sure she realises,

pretty as she is,
that she won't be alone for long.

Good morning, Martin.

What'd I tell you?

Hi, how you doing?

I'll get this.

I had an incredible time last night.

Me too.

Morning, all. Oh, forget it.

- Niles.
- Frasier.

I'm glad you're here. Listen,
I am so sorry about this morning.

Oh, not at all. I ended up playing
an exhilarating game with Chip Emory.

Won two out of three sets.

And if you recall, Chip
was club champion four years running.

Yes, and I also recall that that record
comes with an asterisk.

I believe his streak was interrupted
by World War II.

It was Korea, and you know it.

Can I have my usual, please?

Why was Faye at your apartment
this morning?

Well, actually, I almost made
a terrible mistake.

Last night, I was prepared
to break things off with her,

then we fell into this marvellous
conversation about architecture.

And as it turns out,
she detests the design

of the Bilbao Art Museum
as much as I do.

- And you almost let her go.
- Yes, exactly.

And, well, you know,
Cassandra's a wonderful woman, but...

Well, Faye and I
have a deeper connection

and to be fair, actually,
she was the first

to plant her flag on "terra Frasier."

I'm starting to think Napoleon
had a Frasier complex.

Yes, all right.

Oh, there's Cassandra.

I asked her here for coffee.
I was gonna tell her

- that we can't see each other.
- Good luck.

Thank you. Thank you, Niles.

- Cassandra?
- Hi, honey.

Hi.

Double espresso, please.

- I have great news.
- Really?

Those new promos
are working wonders.

I just got the numbers,
and you're scoring

with women between the ages
of 25 and 49.

Well, that's not always a good thing.

You all right?

Actually, I wanted to talk to you
about our relationship.

- You see, l...
- I know where we're going.

A serious talk.

You see, there comes a time
in every relationship

- when you have to decide...
- I know.

Whether we're going
to be exclusive or not.

I've been wanting
to talk to you about that too.

- You have?
- Yes, you see...

I thought you should know
that I've been seeing someone else.

Really?

Does that bother you?

No. No, no, no, actually, not at all.

Oh, good.

Anyway, what I wanted to say
was that...

Well, how long you been seeing
this other fellow?

Not very long.
You're not upset, are you?

No, no, no. Actually,
I was about to say...

Well, what does he do?

He owns his own
venture-capital firm.

Although he spends most of his time
racing sailboats

and rebuilding trails
for the Sierra Club.

Oh, really?
Seems a little unfocused, doesn't he?

- You are upset, aren't you?
- No, no, no.

Really, there's no reason
to be jealous of Sloane.

Believe me,
I am not jealous of Sloane.

If anything, I pity the man
who has to go through life

with a pretentious name like that.

- Frasier.
- All right, fine, fine.

You know what,
let's just drop the whole thing, all right?

Okay. Now,
about those new promos...

- Cassandra, I want us to be exclusive.
- What?

Yes, well, I'm the kind of person

who can make a decision
and commit to it.

And I was hoping that you might be
that sort of person too.

Oh, Frasier, I'm so touched.

If you only want us
to be with each other, that's great.

I was supposed to see Sloane tonight,
but I'm gonna call him and cancel.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Oh, my God. That means
we can spend the night together.

Looks like she took the news well.
Are you insane?

Niles, I almost made
a terrible mistake.

What could have happened

in the last four minutes
to make you change your mind?

When Cassandra told me
that she was seeing somebody else,

it awakened something in me.

- Oh, petty jealousy?
- No.

The realisation that I couldn't bear
to lose her.

The minute you see Faye,
you'll reverse again.

No. No, I won't. I'll prove it to you.

Cassandra is the one. I'm sure of it.

Her machine.

Yes, Faye, it's Frasier.

Listen, I won't be able to join you
for dinner tonight.

But perhaps you could call me later.

We need to talk.

There, I've done it.

Nothing says it's over between us
quite like the phrase:

"We need to talk."

That was my problem, actually.
I kept leaving the door open.

- I'm very proud of you.
- Thank you, Niles.

An enlightened man is he
who can learn from his mistakes.

Squash tomorrow morning?

- 9 a.m., my place?
- See you there.

Well, I called him.
I probably should feel guilty.

I'm just so glad
it's just the two of us now.

I'm ecstatic.

I know a cute little bed-and-breakfast
we can go to this weekend.

Oh, really?

Thank you.

What a relief this is.
I've made my choice.

Look at her. I've found an angel.

An angel who wears
an awful lot of makeup.

I've never noticed that before.

Faye doesn't paint her face up
like that.

And they have the cutest
little four-poster beds in each room.

That sounds lovely.

My, she uses the word "cute" a lot.

I'm cute. This cafe is cute.
Now the bed is cute.

Faye used the word
"jejune" last night.

Oh, you know, I meant to tell you.

I really liked how you handled
that nasty caller yesterday.

It was such a clever way...

God, all she talks about
is work, work, work.

And now I'll see her
every morning before work,

and at work, and after work.

I feel trapped.

I can't breathe.

Wait, what are you doing?
It's just your fear talking.

She's a wonderful woman.
She's the one. She's perfect.

And then I ran into Roz after the show,
and she told me the cutest little story...

Cassandra, we need to talk.

- Frasier?
- Faye, hi.

- We really need to talk.
- I know, I got your message.

- I thought you couldn't see me tonight.
- Well, I had some unfinished business

with the Promotions Department,
but that's all done now.

I wish you would've called.
I would've put something on.

No, no, you look beautiful.

Listen, Faye,
I want us to be exclusive.

What?

Yes, I wanna take our relationship
to the next level.

I just wanna be with you.

I'm a little surprised.

You said, "We need to talk"
on the machine,

and, you know,
that usually means it's over.

Really? I had no idea.

Well, this is wonderful.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God, so it's just you and me.

God, this is exhilarating.

Oh, this is turning out
to be the best day ever.

Because... Well, okay,
Chris McKenna, the restaurant critic,

he comes over to the restaurant
this morning...

What is she thinking
with that ridiculous shirt? Tie-dye?

Stop it, Frasier.
You can't do this to yourself.

This is nothing more
than the natural panic

of finally making your choice.

- That the printer had messed up

and the menu said "flab"
instead of "flan."

That is so precious.

And so is she.

Precious. My Faye.

Faye as in favourite.

This feels so much better
now that I've relaxed.

I was about to doom
this whole relationship

with my neurotic nitpicking.

But it's clear sailing now.

Well, enough about me.
How was your day?

Well, it certainly ended well.

Although, you know, something funny
did happen at the station.

It was during the second hour
of my show.

My God, he really does love
to talk about himself.

Is that another new pair of shoes?
He's got more shoes than I do.

- Didn't really work out, but...