Frasier (1993–2004): Season 6, Episode 20 - Dr. Nora - full transcript

Frasier, was that the author
Dr. Gordon Edelstein?

- Yes.
- I wasn't aware that you knew him.

We just met. You see, the station
is hiring another call-in psychiatrist

for a one-week trial period.

They've asked me
to choose among the finalists.

Well, he'd be wonderful.

I just finished his book on the victims
of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Poor tic-ridden devils.

Niles, before you take out your
utensil chamois, I've got to tell you,

I've got another interview
in just a few minutes,

though it's gonna be hard
to top Dr. Edelstein.



- I'd say you're taking this rather well.
- What do you mean?

Many people in your position would
feel threatened at the thought of,

well, another cat
sharing the litter box.

Your flattering analogy aside, Niles,
I take it as a tribute.

Obviously, the station
is so pleased with my show

they're looking
for more of the same.

They can hardly ask me
to do another three hours.

You can imagine
how exhausting that would be.

And for you as well.

Anyway, moving on to me,
what's the verdict?

- Verdict?
- On my new look.

- I say you deserve some of the credit.
- Really?

Yes, you keep saying I should accept
Daphne's relationship with Donny

and find a paramour of my own.
Well, the hunt is on.



I thought to bolster my self-esteem,
I would adopt this raffish new look.

Well, it suits you.

Dashing and yet understated and...

Oh, I give up.
What are we talking about?

My moustache.

I grant you, it's at an early stage.

What stage?
Research and development?

- Dr. Crane. Dr. Nora Fairchild.
- Oh, yes, of course. Welcome.

I can't tell you
what a privilege this is.

I listened to your show today
and I was amazed.

Well...

I hope that doesn't sound
too fawning.

Fawning is just fine. Fawning is fun.

I hope I'm not interrupting
another interview.

No, no, this is my brother, Niles Crane.
He's just about to leave.

I should have known
you two were brothers.

The same superb fashion sense,

the same refined
yet masculine good looks.

You must be so proud
of your kid brother, the radio star.

Well, yes.

Congratulations on your new job.
I hope you'll be very happy at KACL.

Isn't that a bit premature?

Oh, well, let's just say
I know my little brother.

- Well, here's where it all happens.
- Dr. Nora, welcome. Please come in.

I see you've already met
our crack station manager.

Yes. I wanna thank you both

for making me
and my producer feel welcome.

Is everyone around here
as friendly as you two?

- Well...
- Well, hello there.

Some are even friendlier.

This is my producer, Roz Doyle.

Dr. Nora.
And this is my producer, George.

- Nice to meet you.
- Hello.

Follow me
and I'll give you the lay of the land.

Let's just hope that's a figure
of speech and not a sales pitch.

Well, Nora, please, please,
do come in. Make yourself at home.

Here we are. Get settled in.
Here's your headset.

Of course, the phone lines.
Everything's self-explanatory.

Cough button, on-air button.

Listen, I want you to remember,
it's all right to be nervous.

Even my first show
was a tad bumpy.

Bumpy?

It was a train wreck.
Medic, we got incoming.

Thank you, Kenny.
You weren't even here then.

I got a tape of it
from my Secret Santa.

- Break a leg, Dr. Nora.
- Thank you.

I'll get out of your hair.

Godspeed, Dr. Nora.

What are you smirking about?

Oh, gosh, it's just so much fun
to have a prot?g?.

Do you see the way
she behaves towards me?

It's like a shy Japanese novice
bowing before her Frasier sensei.

I feel a bow coming on myself.
Could you pass me that wastebasket?

Stop it. All right, she's about to start.

I just wanna catch the beginning,

make sure she's got those
first-show jitters under control.

Let's get right to our first caller.
Who do we have?

We have Jenny from Tacoma
on line one.

Hello, Jenny.
I'm Dr. Nora and I'm here to help.

Hi, Dr. Nora.

My boyfriend and I have been
living together for about two years.

Are you having sex?

Our sex life's not the problem.
It's great.

But whenever I mention marriage,
he changes the subject.

Do you think
that he's afraid of commitment?

No, that's not it.

Let me help you see this
from a different perspective.

You're a whore, Jenny.

You're sleeping with a man
you're not married to.

In my book, that's a whore.

Well, I'm not a whore.
I'm a flight attendant.

Oh, you think there's no overlap?

Well, she's got her jitters
under control.

Wake up, Jenny, you've blown it.
Dump this creep.

Find a new guy,
and until you're Mrs. New Guy,

you keep those knees together, okay?
Staple them.

I don't care
if you have to hop to the altar.

God bless, honey. Who's next?

- Hello, Daphne.
- Hello.

Notice anything?

Oh, yes. Don't you look dashing.

Blue really is your colour.

Hold still, though,
there's something on your lip.

Oh, wait, it's some sort of hair.

Actually, it's a moustache.

Oh, yes, so it is.
Still a bit on the wispy side.

Yeah, it puts me in mind
of me Grammy Moon.

Or rather, it will do,
once it's grown in a bit.

- Turn on the radio.
- Is something the matter?

Just turn the radio on
to KACL, please.

Listen to me. You have a child.

You think you have the right
to get divorced

just because you're tired
of your husband?

But he's gay.

You picked him.
You made a baby with him.

Maybe you got him drunk,

maybe you dressed up
as Antonio Banderas, I don't care.

Just make it work.

Well, that's a bit harsh.

Please, this is a woman
who believes the Spanish Inquisition

was just tough love for heretics.

We were listening to her
while I was doing my exercises,

- and I don't think she's so bad.
- Excuse me?

Well, it's nice to have someone
stand up for old-fashioned values.

Like sex. I mean, I'm no prude,
but in my day,

sex was still something sacred
and mysterious.

Nowadays, you can't even
turn on the television

without hearing all this... stuff.

Well, I think that explains
our 90-dollar cable bill this month.

I liked her too.
She reminds me of my old mum.

She'll point out
every little flaw you've got,

remind you of every mistake
you ever made.

Tell you you're lazy,
you'll never amount to anything

and no good man will ever have you.

But it's just because she loves you.

In fact,
I think I'll give old Mum a call.

You know, if you hate her so much,
why did you hire her?

Well, I didn't know
she was going to behave this way.

She said all the right things
at the interview.

She certainly did.

She complimented his clothes,
his looks,

she even pretended to think
I was the older brother.

Of course, the moustache may have
clouded her judgement on that.

She has a moustache?

Well, like it or not,
I am responsible for her being here.

I'll just have to have a talk with her,
tell her to soften her approach

before she alienates
her entire audience.

People can tell the difference

between constructive criticism
and outright abuse.

No, Mum, me boyfriend
hasn't dumped me

for someone prettier
and smarter yet.

She's such an old tease.

Until tomorrow, then,
this is Dr. Frasier Crane.

Dr. Nora.

Such a frosty tone.
Is something the matter?

I have just one question for you.

What kind of vicious,
judgemental, name-calling,

machete-mouthed bitch are you?

I was going
for the less feisty version.

I heard what you said
to that single mother yesterday.

For your information,
I happen to be a single mom too.

That doesn't surprise me, after
watching you pounce on poor George

like a Kodiak bear on a salmon.

- That does it!
- Roz, Roz, stop it.

I've got to talk to Dr. Nora
before her show.

Just pencil in
the hair-pulling for later, all right?

All right,
but this isn't over between us.

If you want to,
I'll take this out on the street.

That would hardly be fair.
You'd have the home-field advantage.

Roz, Roz, Roz, get out. Out.

Well, I don't even know
where to begin.

Save it.
Whatever it is, I've already heard it.

"Dr. Nora is mean.
Dr. Nora hurts people's feelings."

Too bad.
I'm not here to coddle people.

- I'm here to help them.
- Oh, really?

And just how were you helping
that poor confused bisexual woman

by calling her
an equal-opportunity slut?

The worst thing about this is how you
misrepresented yourself to get this job.

You're hardly one
to question my ethics.

We both know you hired me

because you hoped
I might sleep with you.

- That thought never occurred to me.
- Now who's lying?

You won't admit that,
like most men,

you leave all major decisions
to your penis.

Fortunately for Seattle,
your penis chose right.

It just didn't know why.

Yes, well, you're just forgetting
one thing, Dr. Nora.

You are here on my recommendation.
You may consider it withdrawn.

- Hey, Dr. Crane.
- Kenny, just the man I wanted to see.

Dr. Nora. Don't hit me.

I wanna talk about Dr. Nora's show.

Get in line.
The switchboard's been going nuts.

- I don't doubt it.
- They love you.

Excuse me?

Except for the ones that hate you.
Either way, they're listening.

So you consider that option
picked up.

- Ten seconds.
- Thank you, Kenny.

Now get out of my booth.

Yes, ma'am.

Kenny.

You can't be serious
about hiring that woman full-time.

Putting that woman behind a mike

is like putting Typhoid Mary
in a kissing booth.

I'm sorry, doc. Ratings are ratings.

Hello, Dr. Nora.

My name is Tom
and I have this co-worker

who's really driving me up the wall.
What can I do about it?

Not a thing, Tom.
Not one damn thing.

Nothing I ever do
is good enough for her.

I baked a cake for her birthday
and she said it tasted like sawdust.

I know she's my mother,

but sometimes
I just wanna shut her out of my life.

Oh, Denise,
burning bridges solves nothing.

I'd like to suggest
that you seek family counselling

to help you and your mother
get to the root of these issues,

provided your mother
is willing to cooperate.

If not, perhaps
individual counselling would help.

Will you stay on the line
so Roz can give you some numbers?

Okay. Thank you, Dr. Crane.

It's my pleasure.

Well, I see through the glass
that Dr. Nora either disagrees with me

or has just eaten a bad clam.

I'm sure she'll tell us which
when the Dr. Nora Show begins,

right after this traffic report
from Chopper Dave.

Okay, Denise,
I've got the numbers for you.

- Do you have a pencil?
- Come on, Roz, hurry up.

I wanna get out of here
before her trainer shows up

with a bucket of live mice
for her pre-show feeding.

I'm sorry to cut you off, Chopper Dave,
but we have a therapy emergency.

- Denise, are you still on?
- Yes.

- That's my caller.
- Denise.

I want you to ignore everything
Dr. Crane just told you.

I know more about mothers
than he does.

And here is fact number one:
They don't change.

Cut this woman out of your life.

- I don't believe this.
- You don't think that with counsel...?

When you have a tumour,
what do you do?

Do you sit it down and say,
"Hey, tumour, let's get along, okay?"

No, you take a knife and you cut it out.
Well, Denise, your mother is a tumour.

My heart bleeds for you,
because I have been there.

I know how hard it is to look
at your mother's face and say:

"Bye-bye, you toxic harpy.
You're not hurting me again."

But that is what you have to do.

I think maybe you're right.

I'm always right.

And you know what else?

I bet your cake was yummy.
God bless, honey.

- Who's next?
- We have Frasier from here.

How dare you ambush Denise
that way?

Well, what a surprise.

I dare to give one of Frasier's callers
a second opinion,

and what does Frasier say?

Yes, sound effects,
the therapist's best friend.

You realize what you're doing
is unprofessional.

Denise called my show.
She didn't ask for your opinion.

And I didn't ask for yours.
Back to you, Chopper Dave.

She just cut me off.

All right, let's just settle this.

We don't like each other,
but we're gonna have to coexist here.

So why don't we agree
that I won't criticize you

and you won't criticize me. Deal?

- No.
- No?

No, I will undermine you
every chance I get,

because you, Dr. Crane,
are a dangerous man.

- I'm dangerous?
- Yes.

Seattle's great enabler.

You tell tramps and fornicators
that their problem is low self-esteem.

They should have low self-esteem.
They're going to hell.

I take it back.

You're not unprofessional,
you're a freaking loon.

Five seconds.

All right, if it's war you two want,
it's war you'll get.

Right, Roz?

You don't actually buy
all this no-sex stuff of hers, do you?

- Yeah.
- Well, it's war!

- Oh, hi, Niles.
- Hey, Dad.

As you've probably noticed,
I shaved my moustache.

I decided a better way to change
my look was to pump some iron.

- So, what, you joined a gym?
- I certainly did.

I start the minute my weight belt
gets back from the monogrammer's.

Frasier, you free for dinner?

Well, I suppose so, yes.

Hey, look who I bumped into
in the elevator.

- Roz.
- Hey, Roz.

I've been on the phone all day
digging up dirt on Dr. Nora,

- and you will not believe what I found.
- Really?

I called the station where she worked
and they couldn't wait to dish her.

For starters,
she has no medical degree.

Her doctorate
is in Physical Education.

She's a gym teacher.

Wouldn't wanna be the chubby kid
in that gym class.

Or the boy
in the monogrammed weight belt.

Well, this is just dynamite, Roz.

Oh, that's not even half of it.
Her name isn't Fairchild.

She was born Mulhern.

And Little Miss Family-Values
has two divorces behind her

and an affair with a married man.

Tomorrow, I am going to drop
this little bombshell

to start my show and end hers.

You know, Fras,
when I was on the force,

I went through a feud like this
with Charlie Drucker,

and believe me, it's not worth it.

I started out by making a joke
about his chest.

- His chest?
- Yeah.

He was, like, a heavyset guy and
he had those, you know, man bosoms.

So he heard about it
and he got mad at me

and he wrote something about me
on the men's room wall,

and I should have just called it quits
right there and then,

but his name being Drucker
brought out the poet in me.

And it just got worse and worse,

and we both ended up
looking like idiots.

I don't intend to get into a feud with
her, I just wanna get her off the air.

But if you attack her like that,
aren't you just descending to her level?

You know, Roz, maybe they're right.

Look at what this woman
has reduced me to already:

Trading barbs, yelling over the air.
Now I'm spreading rumours about her.

Is that any way for a psychiatrist
to deal with conflict?

Don't you wimp out on me.

Now, Roz, just think about it.
There may be a better way.

You know what, Dr. Nora is clearly
a damaged and angry woman.

Maybe I could find out

what's at the root of that anger
and help her,

also proving that my method of therapy
is the more valid one.

Why are you doing this to me?
Look, if you have a tumour...

Roz, stop it!

If you wanna analyse her, you might
start with that whole mother thing.

I caught her show yesterday.
That seemed to be a hot-button issue.

Yes, it did, didn't it?
They've been estranged for years.

Perhaps we could find the woman

and discover
what caused this rift between them.

- Maybe even effect a reconciliation.
- Of course, it won't be easy.

We don't even know
if the woman's still alive.

Yes, all sorts of things could happen
to a woman her age.

Her mother could've had
a heart attack or a stroke.

Exactly.

She could be hit by a bus
as she's coming out of the pub,

or fall asleep smoking a cigarette

and be burned to a crisp
right there in her smelly bed.

Or she could fall off a ferry
and be pulled down under the water,

the roar of the waves drowning out
her cries for help,

until no one could hear that shrill voice
of hers, not ever again.

Well, I'm all done with me darks.

Listen to me.

You should be shunning this woman,
not rewarding her with gifts.

A baby shower for an unwed mother.
Now I've heard it all. Who's next?

Roz. Did her mother get here all right?

Yes, but I'm begging you,

we could drive a stake
through that thing's heart right now!

Roz, please, trust me.
My way is better. Get in there.

Mrs. Mulhern, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
It's such a pleasure to meet you.

Dr. Crane, I can't thank you enough
for finding me and bringing me here.

Well, I was so moved by your story,
it's a joy to do this for you.

For 20 years,
I've wondered where my little girl was

and if I'd ever see her again.

What did you two fight about
to begin with?

Oh, I blame myself.

I thought the man she wanted to marry
wasn't good enough for her.

So she eloped, and I've been so afraid
the emphysema would finish me

before I could ask her forgiveness
and tell her I love her.

Well, tell her you shall.

Roz?

Forget couples therapy, Allison.
He is a loser.

If you don't drop him right now,

you deserve every bit of misery
that you get.

God bless, honey. Who's next?

We have Frasier Crane on line one.

Frasier, you wanna yell at me
for that last call?

No, although I do believe
that a gifted therapist

can help two people
put aside their anger

and heal the differences
between them.

I have someone here with me today.

Someone you haven't seen
for quite a while.

There's something
she'd like to tell you.

Something she's wanted to tell you
for a very long, long time.

Mrs. Mulhern?

You little whore!

Mother!

So you thought you could get away
from me, did you?

Thought you could leave me
to rot in that dump

without barely enough cash
for a bottle of Mateus.

You'll pay for that, missy.

I was wrong, Frasier.
Your way is better.

- Mrs. Mulhern!
- Keep out of this!

- Mother, please, I am doing my show.
- Yes.

You're Little Miss Perfect now,
aren't you?

Telling everybody else
how wicked they are.

They should hear about your past.

Mrs. Mulhern, please.

The shame you brought on me,
you ungrateful tramp.

Please, I'm a good girl now.

How you were paid. Paid to leave town
by that nice boy's family.

For God's sake, Nora,
go to commercial.

There, Seattle,
now you know what I mean

when I say there's people
you just don't need in your life.

- Help me out, George.
- What do they pay you here?

I want my cut.

I knew that you hated me, but I just
can't believe you could be so cruel.

I was trying to help.
She seemed delightful on the phone.

I want $50 right now.

How many times will I have to move
before I'm finally free of her?

Nora, I'm sorry.

- You owe me, missy. I gave you life.
- Mrs. Mulhern.

How could you?

Frasier, we've got dead air.

Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane.

I'm sure Dr. Nora's listeners join me
in hoping that she and her mother

can resolve
these differences very soon.

They're off to a bit of a bumpy start...

...but at least
the lines of communication are open.