Frasier (1993–2004): Season 6, Episode 19 - IQ - full transcript

- Evening, Niles.
- Frasier. Everybody ready?

Just about.

Oh, new cufflinks.
Those are very smart.

Yes, well, you've seen these
before, haven't you?

- I always wear them with a tux.
- Of course.

Well, still, nothing catches the eye
like a sharp pair of cufflinks.

So those are very nice too.

- Oh, these.
- Gold.

I knew you'd wear silver.
I didn't want us to look alike.

No.

- Hello.
- Oh, hi, Roz.



- Hi.
- Come on in.

- Sorry I'm late.
- Well, that's all right.

- Hey, Roz.
- Daphne.

Thank you so much
for watching Alice.

She's way overdue for her nap.
Maybe I can get her to sleep.

Great. We'll set her up in my room.
Don't wanna be late for that auction.

You know, I can't believe
that you donated another day

behind the scenes
of the Frasier Crane Show this year.

Well, why not, Roz?
It's for a good cause.

The Kelly Ann Grunther Foundation
does excellent work.

You weren't trapped in my booth

with that mouth-breather
for three hours last year.

Well, he wasn't that bad.
Some sort of an engineer, wasn't he?

Well, he wasn't a dental hygienist,
that's for sure.



Daphne, can you help me
with these cufflinks?

Oh, all right.

- What is this, Daphne?
- I'm chatting online with Donny.

Oh, what's he saying?

"I can't wait to come home
and see my wittle Engwish cwumpet."

Apparently, he has some sort
of typing impediment.

I don't want him to think
I've abandoned him.

Would you mind taking over?

Tell him I miss him too.

All right.

And I'm counting the days
till he comes home.

And there's no one I love more
than my fuzzy-wuzzy...

Goodbye.

I'm sorry. I seem to have lost him.

- Oh, maybe I can get him back.
- Thank you.

Well, there we are.
Alice is all squared away.

She went right to sleep. Shall we?

Have a good time.
Don't spend too much.

Oh, don't worry about that.

I've got a whole system worked out

where I can get anything I want
for the minimum bid.

That's hardly in keeping
the spirit of the evening.

We're raising money
for the Kelly Ann Grunther Foundation.

Baloney, you just wanna go there so
you can hobnob with all your friends.

- That is not true.
- Oh, yeah?

Well, then answer me one question,
just who is Kelly Ann Grunther?

Kelly Ann Grunther is the person

responsible for
the Kelly Ann Grunther Foundation.

Yes, but what does that mean?

She's a very wealthy person
that put up a lot of money, right?

I thought she had some kind
of disease.

I thought she was a scientist
doing research.

In other words,
it could've been called

the Eddie Eddieman Foundation
as long as there was fancy food

on silver platters.

Do you see anything exciting
to bid on?

Well, no, it's mostly
the same items as last year.

"A day of beauty with
internationally known stylist Raphael."

Yes, I see Missy Cromwell
put down for that.

Well, can you blame her?

Her last day of beauty was during
the Johnson administration.

Actually, Niles,
this is rather interesting.

"The Laureate Luncheon.

Break bread
with three Nobel Prize winners,

Doctors Alan Zafrin,
Jane Randall, and Terence Quinn."

Oh, my.

It's an opportunity to meet with three
of the greatest thinkers of our time.

I'm amazed they even got them all
in the same room together.

Zafrin is a legendary recluse.

Yes, he'll be at Fiddlestix tomorrow
at noon.

- I'll try that.
- Good luck to you, Niles.

- Thank you.
- They say Quinn is quite witty.

In nuclear physics circles, he's
referred to as the half-life of the party.

Well, what do we have at this table?

Oh, the Windsor Monarch 2000, huh?

Isn't this the one they had to recall

because the propane tanks
kept exploding?

- They did?
- Yeah.

I sure feel sorry
for this guy, Martin Crane.

Better get himself an apron
that says "kiss the chef good-bye."

Are you bidding on this one too?

No, no, I'm Roz Doyle,
Frasier Crane's producer.

If you win this, you'll be spending
the afternoon with me.

Well, I hope I do.
I'm a big fan of the show.

Hello there.

Hi, Noel. What are you doing here?

I came to bid
on my favourite auction item.

I should warn you,
lady luck is on my side tonight.

The last guy who rented this tux

left a perfectly good comb
in the pocket.

- May I?
- Oh, gosh.

Oh, there's no pen. I'm sorry, Noel.

No problemo.

I wear one around my neck.

- Oh, damn.
- What is it?

It looks like I have some
competition for this luncheon.

An Alistair Mowbray
doubled my bid to $500.

I've heard that name before.

Yes, you know,
it sounds familiar to me too.

Wait a minute, isn't he that young,
ruthless software tycoon?

- Oh, great.
- Yeah.

There's no use competing
against those deep pockets.

But this vase here deserves
a second look.

Yes, but wait a minute.

Mowbray?

Wasn't that the nom de plume
you used in prep school

for your society column?

What a remarkable coincidence.

You were secretly trying
to outbid me.

All right. I thought if you were bidding
against a stranger, you'd go so high,

but if it was me, then your
childish competitiveness would kick in.

Well, that is nonsense.
Give me the pen.

No, no, I'm saving you
from yourself.

- Give me that.
- I will not.

In the name of Kelly Ann Grunther
and everything she stands for...

- She can't stand.
- How do you know?

I asked.

I can't believe I'm bidding this much.

Don't worry.
We're gonna have so much fun.

It'll be so great being
in that booth together, Roz.

No need to get me
extra headphones.

I'll just share yours.

We are coming up on the final minute
of tonight's auction.

No bids will be accepted
after the whistle blow.

Listen, Jody, can I talk to you?

I'd love to bid more,
but I'm really at my limit.

I really want you to win this.
I really think we would hit it off.

Oh, you too, huh?

I thought I sensed a little spark
between us, Roz.

A spark?

Maybe after the show we could get
a drink or have some dinner?

You like Italian?

Well, I think it's time to separate
the men from the boys.

You will never top this bid.

You're right, Niles. I won't top it.

I will double it.

Then I'd like to see the look
on your face when I double your bid.

What?

You didn't double it.
You just added $50 to it.

Yes!

The geniuses are mine.

Well, there certainly was
some spirited bidding

over this luncheon, wasn't there?

My goodness.

Four thousand, 50 dollars.

What have I done?

You've let your competitiveness get
the better of you. It serves you right.

Due to the overwhelming interest
in this luncheon,

I propose adding another place
to the table.

That is, if we can convince
our runner-up, Dr. Frasier Crane,

to match his brother's generous bid.

What do you say, Dr. Crane?

All right.

Dear God, we've just spent $8000
for a lunch.

Frasier, just try to remember
it's for a very worthy cause.

Thanks to the Doctors Crane,

there will be a lot fewer homeless cats
on the streets of Seattle next year.

- Hey, Daph.
- Hey.

- Have a good time at the auction?
- Oh, yeah.

I got a great new barbecue,
Windsor Monarch 2000.

I wonder if they named it that because
that's the one the royal family uses.

Oh, I'm sure it is.

That's actually the new postage stamp
in England.

Her Majesty with a pair
of barbecue tongs and a sauce brush.

Yes, well, at least Dad didn't have to
go into debt for his purchase.

Oh, yes. Roz told me
about your lunch with the geniuses.

- What? Roz beat us back here?
- Yeah, she was trying to ditch Noel.

Apparently, he's not allowed
onto the highway with his moped.

Frasier, do you ever wonder
why we do all this competition?

Where did it even start?

Well, that's a good question, Niles.

Well, think back.

What is the first thing
you can remember us competing over?

Have to be Mom.

We were always jockeying
for her time and attention.

Yes, well, it was a lot more difficult
for me, actually.

- You being her favourite.
- What?

You were the favourite.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, Niles.
She adored you.

Don't you remember the time
that you lost your tricycle?

She actually took mine away
from me, gave it to you.

That was for your own good.

No 8-year-old
should be riding a tricycle.

I had a chronic ear infection
that affected my balance.

Mom worshipped the ground
you walked on.

Remember when we brought
those bowls home from pottery class,

she used yours for cranberry sauce at
Thanksgiving and mine as a dog dish.

What did you expect her to do?
You painted a little dog right on it.

That was a turkey.

Well, isn't this ironic?

If both of us thinks the other one
was the favourite

then neither of us was.

Oh, so all our competition
was pointless.

Oh, I wish we'd talked about this
years ago.

Oh, Lord, yes.

The angst we could
have spared ourselves.

Do you remember those IQ tests
that we took?

- I was sick waiting for the results.
- Which we never found out, of course.

Mom refused to tell us anything
except that we were two points apart.

- I knew you had the higher score.
- I was convinced you did.

Well,

Mom was certainly right
not to tell us.

Yes, she certainly was.

She knew back then
that we were both too childish

and competitive to handle it.

You know what would be a sign
of real growth, Niles?

To find out those scores right now?

Exactly. How often in life
are you afforded an opportunity

to discover really how much
you've evolved?

Exactly. Dad?

Do you know what our IQs are?

No, but I got a pretty good idea
at that auction tonight.

No, Dad, the IQ tests that we took
when we were children.

- Would you have saved those?
- Sure.

Your mother and I saved all that stuff,
report cards, finger paintings, poems.

It's in an old Ballantine's box
in my closet.

Oh, Dad, why don't you just admit it?

You're more of a sentimentalist
than you let on.

Yeah, I guess I am.

That was the first case of beer

your mother and I
ever bought together.

I still can't get over how much
they spent at that auction.

Oh, they've always tried
to one-up each other.

Yeah, I suppose all brothers
are like that.

Mine certainly were.
Everything was a contest.

Who could run the fastest,
jump the highest.

They even had this strange one
where they'd take little brother Michael,

put him in a potato sack and see
who could bowl him the farthest

over the frozen lake out back.

Oh, they loved that game.

Until that year the spring thaw
set in early,

and poor Michael went right
through the ice.

Oh, they caught hell
for that one, they did.

Caught it worse a week later
when Michael's toe finally fell off.

Michael cried and cried,

till they told him to put it
under his pillow for the Toe Fairy.

Then when he got five quid
for it, why,

it was all they could do to stop him
from sawing off the rest of them.

God, what's keeping you guys
with that box?

Here it is, Dad.

Gosh, this is a virtual treasure trove
of memorabilia.

Can't believe what's in this. Choir
ribbons, Most Improved Badminton.

- Oh, yes.
- The tap dance certificate.

Yeah, I remember going through
that box with your mother.

She always knew just what to say
to cheer me up.

"So what if the trophy says 'Baking'
instead of 'Baseball', Marty.

Catcher's mitts or oven mitts,
they're our little champions."

Now, wait, this is report cards.
This might be something.

Well, here they are.

Congratulations, Frasier.
One twenty-nine.

Is that good?

Oh, good? It's practically genius.
Bravo, Frasier.

Listen up, Niles, now.

Where are you? Higher or lower?

I don't see mine yet. I am...

...higher.

Well, congratulations.
I doff my hat to you, Mr. 131.

Higher.

What do you mean, higher?
Mom told us we were two points apart.

Well, apparently,
Mom was being tactful.

How tactful?

- Well...
- Give me that!

One fifty-six. My God, that's...

- Twenty-seven points.
- Yes, I know!

I never should have told you guys
about the box.

No, no, Dad, I'm fine with this.

The entire point of this exercise
was to prove

that Niles and I have moved
beyond our competitiveness.

And we have.
I'm very proud of my little brother.

Thank you. Thank you.

And I am proud of how mature
you are being about all of this.

In fact, if there were a test for maturity,
I think your score would be much...

Niles, that's enough.

You know what? I suggest that we
go ahead and call it a night, Niles.

We want to be nice and refreshed
for our meeting

with the three geniuses tomorrow.

Or in my case, the four geniuses.

Oh, now, you, well...

Good night, Dad.
Well, I'll meet you at the restaurant.

- Oh, good night, Niles.
- Yeah, okay.

- Sleep tight.
- You too.

Daphne, is that university library
open all night?

I think so. Why do you ask?

Do you think I'd let my little brother
humiliate me?

- What the hell are you talking about?
- Dad, he is smarter than I am.

Niles will be sitting there rambling on
with the geniuses about the cosmos,

black holes, matter, anti-matter,
and I won't matter at all.

I'm going to have to make myself
a nice thermos full of coffee

and get down to that library.

Frasier, what do you think
you're gonna learn in one night?

Just enough to ask
some informed questions, Dad.

I may not have a 156 IQ,
but I am a quick study.

Daphne, is there something wrong
with this coffee pot?

You have to plug it in.

Well, there.
You won't have to tell me that again.

Hello, Niles.

Frasier. Sleep well last night?

Oh, yes. Like a baby.

Like a baby with library privileges.

I know what you did.

How?

The way you rushed me out
of there last night.

I sensed something was up
so I waited in my car,

and sure enough, ten minutes later
you tore out of your garage.

Oh, Niles, I'm so sorry.
It's just that...

No, no, no, I don't wanna hear
any more of your facile excuses.

- Excuse me.
- Gesundheit.

I'm sorry, I think your competitiveness
has sunk to a new low.

Please, I'm ashamed of you.

Please, I'm terribly sorry.

It's just I was so insecure about
even coming to this luncheon at all.

Wait a minute.

You just scratched your ear.

You were at the library too.

I most certainly was not.

The only thing that makes you sneeze
and scratch your ear

is your parchment-mite allergy!

So that was you sneezing
from behind the stacks all night.

Oh, I had to go.

I knew you'd be racing through
those scientific journals faster

than a proton
in a particle accelerator.

Oh, stop showing off.

Speaking of accelerating particles,
do something about that sneezing.

I took some of these before,
but they're not as strong as I thought.

I'm going to take a couple more.

Niles, why don't you just go home
and go to bed?

Oh, that is exactly what you'd like
for me to be happening.

What did you just say?

Well, you didn't repeat it the first time,
I'm not gonna listen to it.

Niles, that medication,
it's affecting your speech.

You've just taken
a second dose of it.

You're gonna
make a fool out of yourself.

Well, you should talk.

Look at your shaking hands
and your twitchy eyes.

You were up all night drinking coffee
all last night, weren't you?

I am not twitching.
You will not psych me into twitching.

Gentlemen, may I offer you a...?

- Sir, is your eye bothering you?
- No, no, it's fine.

Can I get you something to drink?

No, thank you.
Well, yes, some coffee. Decaf.

I'd like a cup of tea sounds nice.

- Very good.
- You know what, Niles?

You really should leave.
You're embarrassing yourself.

For God's sakes.

I'm never leaving
while you're still not leaving.

You know you had the good bed.

Well, now, you're just hallucinating.

No, when we moved
to Wallace Lane,

and we shared a room
and you got to pick

where you would be having
your sleeping.

Niles, the beds were identical.

Why am I even bothering
to explain this

to a man who has his elbow
in the butter?

Well, who is hallucinationing now?

Niles, have you ever taken
these pills before?

No, but they fixed my nose.

No, I just wish they wouldn't
make me so hyper.

Yes. Oh, good Lord!

For God's sakes, you spilled water
all over me, you jackass.

- Here, just give me another napkin.
- Oh, napkin.

- Give me, give me, give me that!
- Napkin, napkin, napkin.

- Oh, Niles, wake up, wake up.
- Excuse me.

Oh, Dr. Zafrin.

Goodness, this is quite an honour.

Here, allow me.

Allow me to introduce
Dr. Niles Crane.

Well, Niles,
I'm surprised to see you up so soon.

You feel all right?

I feel not bad. A little dry.

When I blink,
it makes a scratching noise.

Well, here.

Let me get you a little water here.

- Well, thank you.
- Here we are.

So how long did we last
at the lunch?

Well, not too long.

Nine thousand dollars doesn't buy you
the leisurely lunch it used to.

Wait a minute.
I thought it was 8000.

No, no, no, you knocked
over the aquarium on the way out.

You know, if ever I feel envy
about your IQ again,

I'll just conjure up the image of you
sprawled out on a bed of live koi,

weeping and desperately trying
to revive that little plastic diver.

Oh, dear God.

Hurry up with those patties.
I got five more pounds in the fridge.

Right, Dad.

Dad's having his poker chums over
to test out the new barbecue.

You can give me a hand here.

Is it gonna end, Frasier?
All this obsessive competitiveness.

Oh, probably never, Niles.

You know, whether it started

with seeking Mom's approval
or some other insecurity,

we're locked in a pattern now
that we'll probably never get out of.

- That sounds bleak.
- No, no, not necessarily.

- There have been some benefits to it.
- What?

I probably wouldn't have done
so well in school

if it hadn't been for my fear
that I'd be bested

by my brainy little brother.

Well, I was certainly spurred on
by your success as well.

Why else would I have joined the chess
club, the drama club and the key club?

And what other possible reason
would there be for me

to spend an entire summer training
a seeing-eye dog?

Aside from helping the blind.

You know what?

I might not have pushed myself on
to Harvard and Oxford.

Well, I might not have been led
to psychiatry,

which has been the saving grace
of my life.

You see, Niles, frankly,

we both have a lot to thank
each other for.

We've come a long way
from those two little boys

just starving for a parent's approval.

- How are they coming?
- Oh, just great, Dad.

- We're going as fast as we can.
- Here you are.

- Nice job on those patties.
- Thank you.

- Really? You think so?
- Yeah.

Not too thick, not too thin,
tight enough to hold their shape.

Perfect.

Well, thank you, Dad.

- Yeah, wait till you see the next batch.
- Yeah.

You know, I'm surprised
you let him keep that out there.

Oh, well, yeah. It's a bit of an eyesore
and, frankly, kind of a fire hazard,

but what the hell,
it makes him happy.

Lodged an anonymous complaint
with the building?

- It'll be gone by Thursday.
- That's nice.