Frasier (1993–2004): Season 6, Episode 14 - Three Valentines - full transcript

Fran?ois, it's Niles Crane.

You delivered some champagne earlier
for Valentine's Day.

Well, you brought over the '88,
and I asked for the '85.

Yes, my date
will know the difference.

She happens to be the president
of our wine club.

Thank you. Thank you.

Yes. Remember, I won't be at home.

No, I'm not entertaining
at the Shangri-la.

My brother was kind enough
to let me use his apartment.

Well, what could I do?
I threw a blanket over it.

All right, now hurry, please,
this woman is very particular.



Lucky for you, she loves dogs.

Oh, yeah.

There we go.

All right, all right.

Hey!

Hey, hey, hey!

Oh, dear, oh.

- Hello?
- Roz, it's Frasier.

Listen, I need your help.

Well, I don't have much time.
I'm on my way out.

Just answer me this.
How do you know if you're on a date?

- Are you alone?
- Yes.

Then you're not on a date.

That's very funny.



Listen, I'm in a restaurant waiting
for Cassandra Stone,

our new publicity director.

She asked me out for dinner
this evening, and I was very flattered.

I think she's a terrific woman.

It's just, I'm starting to wonder

if this is a business dinner
or more of a romantic date.

You're going out to dinner
on Valentine's Day.

It sounds like a date to me.

Yes, well, she didn't know it was
Valentine's Day until I reminded her,

and she did say she wanted
to go over a new ad campaign.

Oh, come on.

Every time I see you two,
she's got her hands all over you.

She has her hands
all over everybody.

- She's a big flirt.
- That's true.

She flirted with me
the first time I met her

until I took off
my baseball cap and parka.

Why don't you just ask her
if it's a date?

Oh, Roz, I can't do that.
What if the answer is no?

For God's sakes, it'll be awkward
all through dinner, awkward at work.

Imagine how embarrassing
if it gets around the station.

I guess you're gonna have
to play it by ear.

You'll know what she has in mind
by the way she's dressed,

how she acts, how she treats you.

Yeah, yeah, I guess you're right.

- Oh, there's my date.
- Who are you going out with tonight?

Oh, Bob, you know,
the tax accountant.

Isn't he the one who drones on
so incessantly,

you call him "The Cricket?"

No, I call him "The Cricket"

because he rubs his hands together
really fast during sex.

- Bye.
- Goodbye.

- Cassandra.
- Sorry to keep you waiting.

Oh, well, that's all right. I was just
wondering if you'd changed your mind.

What, and pass up dinner
with the sexiest man in radio?

Oh, well.

I, you know... It's just so...
Our plans were so last-minute,

I thought, you know,
maybe I'd misunderstood.

My, things have certainly
been clarified, haven't they?

- Will you excuse me for a second?
- Of course.

Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me.

See that woman over there
by the coat check?

- Yes.
- Yes, she's my dinner companion.

See, and things have taken a turn
toward the romantic.

See, now, I want to make her feel
as special as possible.

Then you should have offered
to check her coat.

Yes, thank you very much. All right.

Just play something romantic
when she comes back.

Miss Cassandra,
so nice to see you again.

You too, Mario.

And how's the sexiest maitre d'
in Seattle?

Sorry again for keeping you waiting.
I got sucked in at this cocktail party.

Oh, you were at a cocktail party.

Some benefit thing.
It was very fancy.

Obviously. Why else
would I show up wearing this?

Why else indeed?

Oh, they have
the best wine list here.

Do you feel like sharing a bottle?

If you like.

Good thing I took a cab here.
I'm a real lightweight.

Then again,
I'm sure a gentleman like you

wouldn't mind escorting me back
to my room after dinner, will you?

Why, I think that could be arranged.

- I love the food here.
- What do you recommend?

I'll start with the anchovies
and red peppers,

and then the garlic chicken
with scallions.

Are you in the mood for oysters?

Actually, I'm not sure.

Well, here we are.

Your hotel room.

Last stop.

Oh, come on in.

- Oh, thank you so much for this coat.
- Of course.

Oh, God, I can't believe
we got caught in that rain storm.

- I'm freezing.
- Yes, me too.

I know something we can do
to warm up really fast.

Yes, all we have to do is...

- Have a brandy.
- Yes! Let's have a brandy.

- The mini-bar's right over there.
- Oh, great.

I'll be right out.

- Hello?
- Roz, it's Frasier.

- Where are you?
- I'm in Cassandra's hotel room.

She invited me up here after dinner.
I'm just not sure what that means.

What it means?

It means even a blind pig
finds an acorn once in a while.

I'm still getting a lot
of conflicting signals.

Maybe she just wants me up here
to talk about business.

I just wish I could get one clear,
unambiguous sign.

Oh, I just had to get out
of that dress.

Here's your brandy.

I'll just go dry my hair.

Roz, I'm back.

Okay, she ditched her dress,
and she's hitting the sauce.

What do you need,
runway lights on the mattress?

Roz, it's not as clear-cut
as it seems.

Look, Frasier,
she is way out on a limb here.

You know how rejected she's gonna
feel if you don't make a move?

- You're gonna blow it forever.
- Right.

You know what?
I'll take off my jacket.

Yeah, go get them, cowboy.

Frasier?

Are you making yourself
comfortable?

Yes.

If it's okay,
I still have a few questions

about the ad campaign
I'd like to ask you.

Well, that's why I'm here.

Or if you prefer, we could just talk
about it over breakfast tomorrow.

Breakfast, you say?

I hope I wasn't
being presumptuous.

We will be having breakfast
together, won't we?

Absolutely.

Great.
So who else is gonna be there?

Where?

At the breakfast meeting.

The one for the sponsors here
at the hotel tomorrow.

You just said you were going, right?

The meeting. Of course.

Frasier.

What are you doing?

Well, I...

I thought you said you were
gonna make yourself comfortable.

Why don't you check the closet?

I'm sure you'll find something
in there you can slip on.

- All right.
- I'm just gonna take my lenses out.

You know, I'm really glad
I asked you to dinner.

Gosh, so am I.

You may not believe this,

but I almost chickened out
at the last minute.

It just goes to show,
it's always better to take the risk.

Yes.

I mean, so you say no. I'm an adult.
What's a little embarrassment?

I couldn't agree more.

Did you find the slippers?

What?

In the closet. You stepped in
that puddle after dinner.

I figured you might want to get out
of those wet shoes and socks.

I mean, it's up to you.

I know some people feel funny
about taking their shoes off

in someone else's room.

My gosh, it's really starting
to come down out there.

You know what I'm thinking?

No, I truly don't.

Well, it doesn't make much sense
for you to drive home in this weather,

especially since you are coming back
for breakfast anyway.

Why don't you just
stay over tonight?

All right.

When you say "stay over,"
you mean, of course...

Stay here.

Here? Right. Splendid.

- Oh, my God!
- What? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I just can't believe it's so late.

What are you sorry for?

Oh, just for keeping you up so late.

Oh, that's all right.

Aren't you coming to bed?

Oh, yes. Coming to bed, yes.

Coming to this bed.

Well, would you mind
turning the lights out?

Oh, no, no, no. Not at all.

You know, Cassandra, I know
this may sound like a silly question

seeing as how we're in bed together,
and nearly naked.

I've just been wondering,

is this a romantic date
or a business thing?

Cassandra?

Cassandra.

Roz, it's Frasier.

You know, Daph,
I'm really impressed with you.

A lot of people get all insecure

if they don't have a date
on Valentine's Day, but not you.

Oh, heavens, no.

If you think about it,
it's just a silly holiday

they made up to sell
more flowers and candy.

Right.

Well, you take a look at the menu,
and I'll check your coat.

Oh, there's no need for that.

So, what looks good to you?

The coat check girl.
Give me your coat.

Happy Valentine's Day.

- Welcome to Russano's.
- Thank you.

The waiter will be by
to take your drink order

when your husband gets back.

Oh, he's not my husband.
I don't have a...

...husband.

Wow, I wish there was something else
I could check.

Besides my blood pressure.

Well, I know what I'm in the mood for.

A nice big steak. How about you?

What happened?

Well, look around you.
Nothing but couples in love.

That's never gonna be me.

I'm just gonna wind up
a dried-up old maid

in a quilted bath robe
with a smelly, deaf cat on my lap.

I thought you said
you're okay with that.

- What?
- All right, Daph. Come on, now.

Now, don't get upset. Here,
have a drink of water or something.

- Oh, I'm sorry about this.
- That's okay.

I don't know what came over me.

I haven't cried like this since,
well, New Year's Eve.

Oh, jeez, come on, Daph.

You're, you know,
you're gonna find someone.

- You think so?
- Well, sure.

Yeah, you're...
You have a lot of very great qualities.

Thank you.
I'm so sorry about this.

I know it makes you uncomfortable
to talk about personal things.

Yeah, well, that's all right.
So you ready to order?

Oh, yeah.

What kind of qualities?

Well, you know, you're smart
and nice-Iooking and fun to be with.

So you gonna go
with the soup or salad?

- You really think I'm nice-Iooking?
- Well, sure, yeah.

Where's that guy with the bread?

That is so sweet of you.

Well, don't mention it.
Let's just have a nice, happy evening.

Of course. I'm fine now.

- Nice-Iooking how?
- Oh, jeez.

- Oh, never mind.
- Oh, no, it's all right.

Well, you know,
you're pretty and tall.

And you take good care of your hair.

You know, you're attractive.
What do you want from me?

Well, I'm sorry, but I don't hear
this sort of thing very much lately.

Well, you're just in a slump,
that's all.

You ask me, you're a great catch.

It's not my place to say so, miss,
but I think your father's right.

You're a very attractive woman.

Well, how about that?

- That's a nice little ego boost.
- Yeah.

Oh, I feel so silly all of a sudden,
getting upset out of nowhere like that.

Well, I feel better now.

- Ready to share a nice big steak?
- Yeah, fine, whatever.

What's wrong with you?

Why did he assume
I was your father?

I mean, a lot of guys my age
go out with women like you.

What's he trying to say,

that I can never attract
someone young and pretty?

Well, thank you, Mr. Crane.

- Does this all have to be about you?
- Oh, for heaven's sakes.

Well, you're a very attractive man
with lots of wonderful qualities.

Yeah, yeah, I know.
All right, let's order.

Like what?

Oh, come on, now.

You're very charming,
and you have a good sense of humour.

And you've got lovely eyes.

But most of all,
you're good company.

I enjoy living with you.

Well, thank you, Daphne.
I like living with you too.

Thank you.

So why do you like living with me?

Oh, for God's sake!
Didn't we just agree to cut this out?

Oh, all right, all right.
You're wonderful. I'm wonderful.

You know, it's funny
when I think about the two of us.

I mean, sure,
we have our little fights,

but for the most part,
we get along so well together.

And when I think about
how I enjoy looking after you

and how you always seem to miss me
when I've been gone for too long,

well, it's sort of like you're my...

What?

- No, it might sound funny to say it.
- Now, come on.

That's all right. You can say it.

All right.

Well, it's sort of like you're my pet.

What?

Well, in a good sense.
Like you and Eddie.

What are you talking about?
Are you calling me a dog?

- It's an analogy!
- I can't believe it.

I take you out to buy you a nice meal,
and you call me a dog!

- I give you a bath.
- I wish I ate as well as Eddie,

I'll tell you that,
instead of the slop you give me.