Frasier (1993–2004): Season 6, Episode 13 - The Show Where Woody Shows Up - full transcript

So Dr. Crane, I don't see
why I should fix the dumb dress

when my sister
can't even fit into it anymore.

Audrey, you borrowed the dress,
you tore it.

As an old Greek haberdasher
once said:

"Euripides, Eumenides."

What?

Well, it's just a little joke
on the ancient dramatist Euripides

and the mythological Furies.

Just fix the dress.

We'll be back after the weather.

Oh, Roz, Noel gave me this
to give to you.



- Here.
- Oh, God, Noel.

- He's been acting so weird lately.
- Lately?

May I remind you this is the man
who's required by law

to stay at least 100 yards away
from William Shatner.

No, I bumped into him at Nervosa
about a month ago.

There were no other free tables
so we sat together,

and since then, he's been acting
like we're some kind of couple.

Oh, Roz, I'm sure he knows
you're not interested in him.

- "Happy monthiversary."
- Oh, Lord.

Oh, we're on.

And we're back.
Let's get straight to the phones.

- I'm listening.
- Dr. Crane?

It's Woody.
I'm in Seattle and I'm a little lost.

Well, Woody, in today's fast-paced,
high-pressure society,



that's not uncommon.

Just why exactly do you feel lost?

Well, I've been driving around
for about an hour.

I can't seem to get out of the airport.

Oh, Woody, Woody.

Oh, well, listeners, this is an old friend
of mine from back in Boston.

Well, how are you doing there,
you old cowpoke?

I'm doing okay, but all this talk
about today's fast-paced,

high-pressure world
is starting to get me down.

Yes, well, I have just the cure for that.
How about dinner?

Sounds great. I'm in town all week.

- And I'm free all week. How's tonight?
- Oh, that'd be great.

- So I hear you're on the radio.
- Yes, I am, Woody, and so are you.

No, no, no,
I'm still tending bar at Cheers.

Oh, how do these rumours
get started?

Believe it or not, listeners,

Woody and I are picking up
right where we left off.

- Knock, knock.
- Noel.

Oh, I haven't seen that outfit before.
Set your phasers on stunning.

Listen, I need to talk to you.
I cannot accept anniversary gifts.

Oh, I know that.
I was just making a little joke.

I know we're just friends.

I saw this
and it made me think of you.

Okay, thanks. That's really sweet.

Oh, if you're not gonna open it
for a while,

you might wanna move the ribbon.

It's blocking the air holes.

Here, I made you some lamb stew.

I'm telling you,
there's something weird about Eddie.

Oh, for the love of God,
not this again.

You never should've taken him
to those dog groomers.

I had to bring him.

His toenails were like Howard Hughes'
and his breath smelled like an autopsy.

Well, look at him.
They did something to him.

The sparkle's gone from his eyes.

Yes, and so are
those gooey green bits.

Oh, that's probably Woody. I'll get it.

- Oh, Niles.
- Hello, Frasier.

I know this is impromptu,
but I'm going to an oboe recital

and I thought
you might want to join me.

Well, I'm sorry, Niles.

An old friend of mine came in town.
I invited him to come over this evening.

Well, have him join us. I'm sure
we can get three seats together.

I'm not sure an oboe recital's
quite what I had in mind.

I was thinking of something
a little more raucous.

If it's raucous you're looking for,
we could go and get a nightcap

at the piano bar
at the Mayflower Hotel.

It's Jerome Kern night.

Last time people were shouting out
requests without raising their hands.

You know, Niles,
I'm afraid we'll have to pass.

You see, my friend Woody
is an old bar chum

from back at Cheers...

What I had in mind
was really more of a beer-swilling,

back-slapping kind of night,
if you know what I mean.

You're welcome to join us if you like.

- Sounds interesting.
- Well, now...

- Woody!
- Hey, Dr. Crane!

- Good to see you.
- You look great.

Oh, thanks, thanks. You too.

- This place is awesome.
- Thank you.

I'm not surprised you need all
these roommates to help you pay for it.

Well, they're not really roommates,
Woody. They're...

They're more like boarders actually.

- No, that's my father, Martin.
- Oh, hi.

- Woody Boyd.
- I remember hearing about you.

- You were a policeman, right?
- That's right.

That's my brother right there, Niles.

- He's a psychiatrist too.
- Hello.

And this is Daphne Moon,
my father's home healthcare worker.

- It's nice to meet you.
- Oh, hi. I like your accent.

- You're from England, right?
- Manchester.

Darn. I'm usually pretty good at that.

- Oh, hey, who's this little guy?
- I'm not sure I even know anymore.

Oh, my dad's getting the same way.

- So, Woody, can I get you a beer?
- That's funny, huh?

You know, all those years
I was waiting on you,

and now you're getting me a beer.

Yes, life's like that sometimes,
isn't it?

Daphne, get us a couple of beers,
will you?

So, what brings you to Seattle, huh?

- Oh, my cousin's getting married.
- Really?

Which is the cousin? Bride or groom?

Well, actually, both are.

I assume they're kissing cousins.

They're doing a lot more than that.

That's why they have to get married.

So is Kelly with you?

No, no, she's visiting her mom
with the kids, but she sends her love.

- And how's the old gang, huh?
- Oh, well, they haven't changed much.

Sam's doing great, Carla's terrific.

Oh, you know,
we almost had a wedding.

Mr. Clavin got himself one of those
Eastern European mail-order brides.

But they lived together for a couple
of days and decided to call it off.

Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry for Cliff.

Yeah, she said she was homesick.

That Bosnia
must be a beautiful place.

- Here we are.
- Oh, thank you, Daphne.

That's one for you, one for you,

and one for me.

Well, Woody, I thought that tonight
we'd just maybe stay in.

- You know, order some pizza.
- Sounds good by me.

Okay, great. I'll just call the place
around the corner.

- Niles, you're gonna join us?
- Well, why not.

It'll be fun to drink some beer

and have some pizza
with a couple of rapscallions.

If you don't mind, could we make that
half rapscallions, half pepperoni?

That wasn't
the best prank we played.

You remember that time
with Mr. Clavin?

Oh, yes, and the ferret.

He was about to go on his route,

and we shoved that angry ferret
into his mailbag.

Oh, my. Exactly how
do you make a ferret angry?

Well, for starters,
you shove him into a mailbag.

God, that was funny.

Do you remember
the expression on his face?

Oh, no, I never saw his expression.
I was too busy looking at Mr. Clavin.

Woody,
let me get you another cold one.

- Oh, thanks.
- Oh, gosh, I tell you,

this has just been the best evening.

My God,

it's like reliving all my old days
at Cheers, only without Lilith.

Boy, that's a trip to Bountiful,
let me tell you.

These guys are really going
through the beers, aren't they?

Oh, yes. If this keeps up,
you may have to fish out

that emergency can
you keep in the toilet tank.

Here you are, Woods.

Oh, well, you know what?

On second thought,
I think I'm gonna pass.

I'm feeling a little bit jet-lagged.

- All right, you wanna call it a night?
- I probably should.

But this was so much fun.
I'd really like to do it again.

All right.
Well, how about lunch tomorrow?

- Oh, yeah, that sounds great.
- Okay.

- Hey, goodbye, y'all. Nice to meet you.
- Yeah, you too. Come back.

You know, Woody, there's
a new gourmet Mexican restaurant

down near your hotel I'd love to try.

It's called Dos Burros.
It sounds muy delicioso.

- I didn't know you speak Spanish.
- Oh, well...

I know that dos means "two."
What's burro mean?

Oh, same as in English. Jackass.

Sorry, just asking.

- Hey, guys, how was lunch?
- Oh, great.

If we told one old story,
we told a hundred.

- Hey, how are you doing, little guy?
- His name's Eddie.

Oh, Eddie. Good for you, Mr. Crane.

They have good days
and they have bad days.

Woody, here's that Seattle guidebook
I was telling you about. Right here.

- Oh, thanks.
- Get a load of that, huh?

Wow, look at that view.
You can see the whole city.

When you turn around
it's even better.

Oh, yeah, you're right. This is better.

No, no, no.
Look and see there...

- Hey, yeah, you mind if I go out there?
- No, no, you go ahead.

Hey, you remember that time

we went out on the balcony
at Melville's and threw pudding?

I don't think I ever laughed harder
in my entire life.

- Put a bullet in my head.
- What's going on?

God, I have absolutely
nothing in common with this man

except things
that happened 10 years ago.

I thought you had
a fun time last night.

Well, yes. We had exactly
the same time this afternoon,

and it wasn't nearly as fun.

The same stories
and variations thereof.

Being forced to laugh over and over.

I swear, if I never get
another shoulder noogie

- I will die a happy man.
- Oh, don't feel bad.

You've been a good friend,
you showed him a nice time,

and now all that's left is for you
to go in there and tell him goodbye.

Yes, I guess when all this is over

I will have learned
a very valuable lesson.

Sometimes, you can have too much
of a good thing.

Got to know when to say when.

The past is just that, the past.

You can never go home again.
Less is more.

Wish you would have started
with that last one.

Well, Woods, huh?

It's been great seeing you.

- Oh, yeah, hey...
- Come on, give me...

Give me a good hug, huh?

You gotta promise me you'll give
my love to everybody back at the bar.

- Oh, I will.
- Okay.

And give that beautiful wife of yours

and those two kids a big kiss
from Uncle Frasier.

- You got it.
- And don't be a stranger, okay?

No, I won't. I won't.

So where are we going
for dinner tonight?

- Niles.
- Oh, Frasier.

Odd to see you without Woody in tow.
Is he off teasing ferrets?

Niles, listen, I've been having
such a great time with Woody,

I was hoping,
maybe tonight you'd like to join us.

- We plan to go out...
- You can save it.

Dad brought me up to speed
on your reunion of the damned.

- Oh, God.
- I would love to help.

- I'm sorry, you're on your own.
- No, no, please. Really, I'm desperate.

Do you have any idea
how difficult it is to feign interest

in the same old stories
over and over again?

And you call yourself a psychiatrist?

You wouldn't last a week
in private practice.

Speaking of which,
my 6:00 is waiting.

- Triple espresso to go.
- Thank you.

Niles, please. Please, I need you.

It's gonna be
an excruciating journey into...

Oh, God... Roz.

Say, you know, are you up
for a night on the town?

This wouldn't be the invitation
Niles just blew off, would it?

Oh, all right. Here. Please.

My old friend Woody's
dragging me out again tonight.

I could really use a buffer.

He's taking me
to some God-awful karaoke bar.

- Are you gonna sing?
- No.

- Okay, I'll go.
- Really? You will?

I have a babysitter tonight.
My plans fell through.

- Karaoke might be fun.
- Karaoke, tonight? Oh, I'd love to.

Well, Gil,
I'm not sure you'd enjoy this...

Nonsense. If we go to the one on Pike,
I keep a locker there

where I store my own microphone
and show jackets.

- Hey, guys. Hi, Roz.
- Oh, hi, Noel.

I see you're at our table.

"Our table"?

Oh, is there
an office romance brewing?

No, Gil, we're just friends.
Right, Noel?

So far.

Well, who knows
what the night has in store.

We're all going for karaoke.
Why don't you join us?

- Count me in.
- Is that my beeper?

- I didn't hear anything.
- It's the babysitter.

She calls in an emergency.
Gotta go, bye.

- Roz...
- Taxi!

- Roz, wait!
- Roz, wait!

Well, looks like it's just us boys.

- Oh, that was beautiful.
- Yeah.

You know, Niles,
that was the first movie

I ever took your mother to see.

I deliberately picked a tear-jerker
so I'd be there to comfort her.

At the first sniffle
I was on her like an octopus.

You men.

You always find a way
to make us more vulnerable

to your clumsy advances.

Oh, that wine
went straight to my head.

Let's just kill off the bottle, shall we?

Hey, Fras.

- Turn off the music.
- Oh, well, we were just...

Dad,
I never wanna hear music again.

Oh, I take it you had a whiz-bang time
at the karaoke bar?

For starters,

Woody sang
"What Kind of Fool Am I?"

Which quickly turned
into an audience-participation number.

Then Gil and Noel
did a charming duet

of "Anything You Can Do
I Can Do Better."

They were both wrong.

I guess the highlight of the evening
was when Gil,

after one too many Kir Royales,

performed a haunting rendition
of "I Feel Pretty,"

during the latter verses of which
Noel joined him

on the apron of the stage
and translated into Klingon.

Well, I think I'm just
gonna go off to bed

so I can get up bright and early for my
harbour cruise with Woody tomorrow.

What? You're seeing him again?

Why don't you just tell the guy
you're busy for once?

But, Dad, he knows that I'm not.

Besides, I'd hate to hurt his feelings.

I'd hate to have him think
that I've outgrown him.

- But you have.
- Well, that's the problem.

I've moved on to bigger
and better things in my life.

He's still pouring drinks

back at the same bar
he's been at for the last 15 years.

- Don't you think that's kind of sad?
- If I were you, I'd just lie to him.

Tell him you have to work
or you met a pretty girl.

Who's that pretty girl
In the mirror there?

What mirror, where?
Who could that attractive girl be?

Which, what, where, whom? Who?

- Daphne. Daphne.
- Who?

Daphne!

Bedtime.

I used to be
with the Light Opera Works.

Yes, fine.
And I used to be a fan dancer.

Get out. Go to bed.

She seems a little wobbly.

- Perhaps I should...
- Niles.

Oh, surprise. Guess who?

Dear God. I just left him.

What moonlit, berry-picking expedition
does he have planned for me now?

I can't take this anymore.
All right, all right, fine.

I'm just gonna have to lie to him.

- Woody.
- Hey, Dr. Crane.

- Hey, everybody.
- Hi.

Listen, l... When I got back to my hotel,
I called Kelly to say good night

and turns out our little girl
has an ear infection,

so I'm taking the redeye right now,

and my cab is waiting for me
downstairs.

Oh, well, Woody,
I guess this means goodbye then.

- Yeah, I'm afraid so.
- Well, all right. Give me a hug.

Remember to give my love
to the folks back at Cheers.

- Oh, will do.
- Okay.

I hope that little girl of yours
gets better real soon.

Thank you.
It was great spending time with you.

- It was great seeing you too, Woody.
- Yeah.

- It's a shame we have to cut it short.
- It sure is. Goodbye.

- Have a good trip.
- Take care. Bye-bye.

Good night, Woods.

God bless the virus
that invaded that little girl's ear canal.

- Congratulations. I'll be off.
- Oh, no, no, Niles.

Tell you what.
To celebrate my new-found freedom,

we go over to that little cantina
I mentioned earlier,

and I'll buy you a late supper.

- We'll have a margarita.
- Oh, well, thank you, Frasier.

And after that, we'll go by
that pricey new cigar club. It's my treat.

Well, hey, big spender.

Is everything all right?

The last time I heard that phrase,
Gil was belting it out

while sitting on the lap
of a Japanese businessman.

Let's get that margarita.

- Thank you.
- I think you're gonna like this place.

Well, I do already. N.M.B.

- N.M. B?
- No mariachi band.

Dear God. Quick.
Hide your face with your menu.

- What...?
- Woody's over there.

If he sees us, he'll know I lied.

- When did you lie?
- I told him I was going out of town.

No, you didn't. He told you
he was going out of town.

That's right.

He lied. He should be hiding. Woody.

Woody.

For God's sake. Stay here.

Woody, come out of there, please.

I don't understand this.

It means, "I don't speak English."

Would you just come out here?

Woody, what is going on?

I can't even look at you,
I'm so ashamed.

- I lied to you, Dr. Crane.
- Why did you do that?

Well, I guess I didn't want you to know
it was me in the bathroom.

No, Woody.

Earlier this evening, you told me
that you were going back to Boston.

Oh, well, I feel terrible saying this,

but I just couldn't face another day
of us hanging out together.

What, you weren't enjoying
our time together?

Oh, you know,
I had a great time that first night,

but after that, I don't know,
you were still having a good time,

but it was less and less fun for me.

It's just too funny.

See, you're still having a good time
and I'm miserable.

Why didn't you say something?

Well, I don't know.
I didn't wanna hurt your feelings.

To tell you the truth, I was...

I felt kind of bad for you.

You felt bad for me?

Well, no offence,
but look at your life.

You live with your dad,
you hang out with your brother.

You have no plans and...

Let's face it,
those karaoke friends of yours,

I wouldn't want to be stranded
on a desert island with them.

Oh, well, maybe that English guy.
He was a good entertainer.

Really, Woody,
there's nothing to worry about.

I know my life may seem
rather dreary to you,

but it's really quite enjoyable.

In fact, it's even a lot of fun.

I love my life now.
Honestly. You know what?

I wouldn't trade my years at Cheers
for anything,

but I am very happy with my life
the way it is today.

- You mean it?
- Yes.

That's what makes this conversation
so ironic.

You see, you see my life as some sort
of middle-age compromise

and, well, just the other day
I was thinking about your life.

- And all I could think was...
- What?

How lucky you are.

You see, you found where you belong,
and you've made your home there.

I guess for some of us
it just takes longer than others.

Well, I just stopped in for a beer...

Well, Niles will be on the phone
for a couple more minutes.

Why don't we just have
one last drink together?

- Well, that'd be nice.
- Okay.

Barkeep,
couple of beers here, please.

You know, I meant what I said

about I had a great time
hanging out with you that first night.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Maybe we could do it again
in five or 10 years.

Absolutely. Ten years it is.

Cheers.

Cheers.