Frasier (1993–2004): Season 5, Episode 20 - First Date - full transcript

Dear God. It's a minefield out there.

Everyone's talking about
a mini-series I've been watching.

Did you see the end last night when...

I attended a benefit last night. I had
to tape it and I have yet to see it.

Who would've thought it?
Mr PBS watching a trashy mini-series.

It's not trashy. The intricacies
of the plot are downright Dickensian.

Yeah, Angie Dickensian.

I'm having a difficult time avoiding
people telling me about the ending.

Hi, Roz, did you watch last night?

- Wasn't it...
- Goodbye, Betty.

Hey, Dr Crane. How was your day?



Interminable. Is the tape in the VCR?

Yes, it's all cued up.

You've got to call me when
you get to the part with Heather's baby.

- Heather had a baby?
- Sorry.

Who's the father? No, don't tell me.

I'll put your popcorn in the microwave.

- Hey, Fras.
- Hi, Dad.

I got some bad news. There isn't a good
way to tell you something like this.

Your god-uncle died.

My god-uncle?

There's no such thing.

It's your godfather's brother.
You remember your god-uncle Charlie.

No. I barely even remember my godfather.
He died 20 years ago.

Now his brother's dead, too.
The wake's in 20 minutes.



Much as I'd like to pay my respects,
catch up with my god-cousins,

and meet the god-neighbours,

I have some urgent business
that can't wait.

Here's your popcorn and the remote.
There, enjoy your show.

All right.
I don't even know why I'm going.

The man used to hide
his glass eye in my marble bag.

I knew you remembered him.

Just give me a couple of minutes
to get changed.

- Hello, Frasier.
- Hello, Niles.

You'd be smart to leave. Dad's dragging
me to a wake for god-uncle Charlie.

The one who'd plop his eyeball
into his potatoes

- and say, "I'm watching what I eat"?
- Yes.

- So, is Daphne here?
- Yes, she is. Why?

I'm asking her out on a date.
And don't give me that look.

Why shouldn't I?
She's single. I'm single.

Are you ready?

I'm not talking about eloping.
It's just dinner.

I suppose you've thought this through.
Maybe it is time.

- Time for what?
- To put this popcorn away for later.

- Aren't you watching your programme?
- He has to take Dad to a wake.

Listen, Daphne, do you have a minute?

Something I wanted to ask you.
Nothing earth-shattering. It's just...

Yes?

What's that perfume you're wearing?

Leave it to you to notice.
It's Obsession.

No, it isn't. I was just curious.

No, I'm quite sure
it's Calvin Klein's Obsession.

It's very pleasing.

I spray it on my brush
and comb it through.

Silly, really.
As if anyone's going to smell my hair.

- What did she say?
- I couldn't do it.

I was about to ask, then all I could
think of was what if she said no.

It's no surprise. After all
you've been through with Maris,

you are just scared
of another rejection.

I was more than scared, I was terrified.

I can't go on
worshipping Daphne from afar.

It's frustrating
to be in love with someone

and not be able to tell her
how you feel.

I'm sorry. I just came back for
the fabric softener. I didn't mean...

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

- How long was she there?
- I don't know. If I'd known,

I would've said,
"Shut up. Daphne's standing there".

She heard everything.

Calm down. It may even be for the best.
You wanted to take the next step.

The next step. I was just hurled
down the entire flight of stairs.

I can't believe this.

Did Daphne really hear me say
that I'm in love...

I'm sorry.
I really do need that fabric softener.

You've got to talk to her.
It'll only become awkward.

You can't leave things like this.
Resolve it now.

Go.

- Daphne...
- Dr Crane, I didn't...

- I hope you don't think...
- No, I... Go ahead.

I'm terribly sorry.
I know I wasn't supposed to hear that.

No, I'm glad you heard. It's something
I've been wanting to tell you.

What took you so long?
I think it's wonderful.

- You do?
- Yes, of course I do.

You dear, sweet man, give me a hug.

So, who is she?

- Who?
- This woman you're so in love with.

You didn't hear that part, did you?

No. So, come on, what's her name?
You can't back out now.

No, you're right. I can't.

OK, her name...

...just happens to be...
Da-Phyllis.

I've never heard that name. Da-Phyllis.

It's a family name.
Her friends call her Phyllis.

Excuse me. I'll get some water.

Where's Niles?

He's in the kitchen.
I'm sorry to barge in on you like that.

Did you and Niles have a little chat?

Yes. He was a bit shy at first
but then he came clean.

- I couldn't be happier.
- That is wonderful.

Let me be the first
to raise a glass to...

...to god-uncle Charlie.

As long as you're doing the laundry,
the kitchen towels could use a washing.

And my oven mitts
are getting a bit crunchy.

What the hell is going on?

All she heard was that I was in love
with someone and when she asked who,

I blurted out Phyllis.

Phyllis?

It's a neighbour I saw this morning.

She had a sesame seed
stuck between her teeth.

It was the size of a blanched almond.

Maybe it was a blanched almond.
If she had Mueslix...

Niles, stop.

You have got to clear this up.

Well, I'm off to bring the car around
for Dad.

All right now,
tell me more about this Phyllis.

I'd rather not.

You said you wanted to talk about it.
Have you asked her out yet?

No.

Why not?
You said you were in love with her.

- In love with who?
- Phyllis.

- Who's Phyllis?
- A woman I met.

I've just been giving him
some dating advice.

All you need to know
is that women go crazy for flattery.

Doesn't matter if it's a big fat lie.
They'll still buy it.

Whatever advice Daphne's giving you,
must be great because she's smart.

Thank you, Mr Crane.

So, tell me about this dream woman
of yours.

- I don't know.
- I can see you're crazy about her.

Well, all right.

She's very beautiful. And very sweet.

And she has a smile
that makes my knees weaken.

Dr Crane, if this woman is as wonderful
as you say she is,

then you shouldn't waste another moment.
She won't be on the market forever.

You're right.
I've been a fool to hesitate.

- That's the spirit.
- I'm going to do it.

Don't leave time for second thoughts.
Ask her out this instant.

- That won't be necessary.
- It's quite nasty out.

No, I don't have to leave this room
to ask Phyllis on a date.

- You don't?
- No. Because, you see, Daphne...

I know her work number by heart.

Well, then.

- Look at me. My heart's racing.
- Mine, too.

Phyllis, hello. Niles Crane.

How are you?

I was wondering if you would want
to have dinner with me sometime.

You would?
How about tonight at my place?

Eight o'clock sounds great.

What would you do if you were me?

Would you tell her everything and just
let the chips fall where they may or...

Yeah. Well, I do see your point.

I have to run. I'll take the three-year
subscription and travel clock.

- Daphne.
- Hello. I was out doing some shopping

and I thought you might need some
dessert for your dinner with Phyllis.

Well, I was just doing some
last-minute tidying up for that.

And I suppose you've got
about eight things cooking.

So I'll get out of your way.
Soon as I pop this in the fridge.

Don't trouble yourself.
I'll do it.

Dr Crane, there's barely enough pasta
here for one person.

Is this your idea of a romantic dinner?

Thank heavens I stopped by.

I can whip up a salad. I'll stick
this roast in the microwave to defrost.

- Where's your cooking sherry?
- I am under-prepared for this.

I'll call Phyllis and put her off.

You're not backing out of this now.
Look, don't worry.

I'll fix this place right up
for a nice, intimate evening.

Candles, some soft music. Those things
always put me in a romantic mood.

I suppose it would be rude to cancel.

Now hurry up and get ready.

And wear that blue blazer of yours.
No woman can resist you in that.

Look at the time. Honestly, Dr Crane,

sometimes I wonder what kind of
a fantasy world you live in. Now go on.

- Don't you look handsome.
- Thank you.

Daphne, this place looks wonderful.

Excellent music. I love this aria.

Yes, she has a gorgeous voice.
Pity she never got the recognition

of a Joan Sutherland
or a Renata Tebaldi.

I had no idea
you knew so much about sopranos.

You don't live with your brother and
not learn a thing or two about divas.

The roast is coming along nicely.

- How are you at chopping vegetables?
- Are you kidding?

You don't get forearms like these
from just conducting your stereo.

I'm very excited for you.
I just love first dates.

I don't see why.
They're always so awkward.

Yeah, but once in a while,
when the chemistry's just right,

they can be magical. The "me toos"
as you realise all you have in common,

the electricity
of that first accidental touch,

soon you're saying the silliest things.

- I'm sorry.
- Sorry.

You touched me,
now we have to get married.

- Pardon me.
- Sorry.

Now I was thinking for the salad
some cucumbers and carrots.

- How about some celery?
- No celery. I hate it.

Me, too. Why do you have it then?

Habit. Maris used to like to have it
around in case she felt like bingeing.

When I was little, I actually thought
celery was the meanest vegetable.

Radishes were the smartest,
beets were the policemen.

What sort of personality
do carrots have?

I try not to think about that
when I'm chopping them.

You hear that? We're chopping in rhythm.

We are, aren't we?

Damn, who could that be?

It's Phyllis.

Well, go on. Go let her in.

Go away, who's ever at the door,
go away, don't come back no more.

I thought you were at a wake.

We left. Even the mourners
were babbling about the mini-series.

I'm sure you're in a rush
to watch the rest of it.

No, everybody's
going to the Kiwanis Club

for a post-wake kegger.
Could you take Dad?

Me? Well, they're your god-family.

- I thought you were Phyllis.
- Phyllis?

She's due any moment. I'll be leaving
as soon as the roast is done.

Daphne... is cooking dinner...

for your date with a fictitious woman.

Why not just set a place
for the March Hare and the Mad Hatter?

I didn't plan for this,
but we are having a perfect evening.

I need a few more minutes alone
and I'll be able to tell her everything.

Niles, this absurd lie is likely
to blow up in your face.

As long as I keep track
of what I'm saying,

nothing is going to blow up on anyone.

Phyllis!

Ka-boom.

Some of your mail
wound up in my box today.

- Aren't you considerate?
- Hello.

- I'm Frasier, Niles' brother.
- I hope I'm not interrupting.

- As a matter of fact...
- Hello. You must be Phyllis.

Yes. Do I know you?

I'm Daphne. I'm just a friend.

Make yourself comfortable.
We were starting to worry.

- Excuse me?
- Can I get you a glass of wine?

- All right. I came by to drop off...
- I'll be back in a snap.

That woman seemed to think
that you were expecting me.

I've been getting to know my neighbours

and I guess
you didn't get the invitation.

No. It's dumb luck I stopped by tonight.

Here we are. Now the appetisers
are almost ready

and it won't be much longer until
the roast is done. I hope you're hungry.

- The invitation was for dinner?
- Yes, but we'll do it another time.

I'd love to stay.

- Hey, Niles. Frasier, you coming?
- In a minute, Dad.

- Daph, what are you doing here?
- Helping Dr Crane with his dinner.

- Hi. How are you doing? Marty Crane.
- Hi, I'm Phyllis Conrad.

- You're Phyllis, huh?
- Don't worry. We'll be going soon.

Dr Crane's
eager to have you all to himself.

- Really?
- He's been going on about you all week.

How pretty you are. How nice you dress.

Dad, you don't want to be late.

- I've embarrassed him. He's blushing.
- He's not the only one.

Excuse me, Phyllis. Frasier, could I...

- Help me get rid of her.
- I've got my hands full with Dad.

You never had any idea
he had his eye on you?

I caught him staring at me
in the elevator this morning.

Now I know why.

Dr Crane, would you give me a hand?

Frasier?

Dad, I guess it's time we were going.

Maybe you could
go press for the elevator.

All right.
Very nice meeting you, Phyllis.

Well, your brother certainly kept
his feelings to himself until tonight.

Yes, well,
he's always been the quiet type.

Especially since all
the trouble with Heather.

Heather?

The pie should be heated and there's
cream to put on the strawberries.

Or anything else,
should the night take that turn.

- His wife was poisoned?
- He stood trial. They never proved it.

Crab puffs?

No, thank you. I just remembered,
there is someplace that I have to be.

Thank you very much for the wine.

Oh, my God, I drank the wine.

- What did you tell her?
- I'll explain later, Niles.

But don't plan on running for
the co-op board here anytime soon.

- Where did Phyllis go?
- She left.

She said she wasn't feeling well.

Hope you don't mind my saying so. You
almost seem relieved that she's gone.

Relieved? Well, Daphne,
to tell you the truth, I am relieved.

I knew it. This is all my fault.

It's as clear as day now.
You're just not ready for a relationship

- and there I was pushing you into it.
- Daphne...

I could see how uncomfortable
you were.

She must have picked up on that, too,
and that's why she left.

- What was I thinking?
- This is not your fault.

Yes, but I should've seen. You're
on the rebound. You're still vulnerable.

That's probably why you had so much
trouble asking for a simple date.

Yes, I suppose you're right.

I'm so sorry, Dr Crane. I guess
you just need to take some more time.

If you rush things, you may ruin
something that has a real chance.

No smart woman would get involved
with a man in the middle of a divorce.

I know I never would.

Well, thank you, Daphne.
This has all been very helpful.

And thank you
for everything you did tonight,

even if it didn't work out
exactly as I'd hoped.

What are friends for?

I suppose
we should start clearing all this up.

Actually,

Daphne,

would you like to stay
and have dinner with me?

- You mean that?
- Yes.

Well, yes, that would be lovely.

Wonderful. May I pour you some wine?

You know, although it seems hopeless
right now,

I have a feeling that before very long,

you'll be sitting down to a romantic
dinner with the woman of your dreams.

I think you may just be right.

Shall we?

Thank you.

Here's to us.

That's very nice.

This is the most spectacular wine
I've ever tasted.

I'm glad you like it.