Frasier (1993–2004): Season 5, Episode 19 - Frasier Gotta Have It - full transcript

- Frasier, Roz.
- Niles.

- I'd join you but there's not a chair.
- I was just leaving.

Niles, every time I give you my chair,
you wipe it off first.

It's just insulting.

For your information,
I was reaching for my cell phone.

I'm sorry, Niles. I stepped out of line.
See you later, Frasier.

Bye-bye, Roz.

This is table seven. Could
you send someone to dust my chair?

For God's sake, Niles. I'll do it.

That's the most ridiculous thing
I've ever seen.

Stop it. Just sit down.



May I have one of those, please?

So, I understand you had
a full dance card this weekend.

I met a lovely young artist
at the gallery opening on Saturday.

We went out for coffee afterwards
and our date lasted until, well,

the cows didn't actually come home

but I did hear mooing
on the front porch.

I'm drawing a blank. The only woman
I remember you chatting with

was the one in the Birkenstocks who went
on and on about her driftwood collages.

Yes, that's Caitlin.

We seem different on the surface

but once you get to know her,
she is a breath of fresh air.

I haven't felt this excited
about a relationship in ages.

That's wonderful, Frasier.

So, is she from around here?



- It didn't come up.
- I see.

- Where did she go to school?
- She didn't mention it.

Probably art school.

Being an artist, I'm sure she
is enthusiastic about the finer things.

- Literature, music...
- We never got around to that.

I think I'm putting you
on the spot here.

Let's just leave it at congratulations
on your new relationship.

What are you implying?

I think we both know what kind
of relationship we're talking about.

Would you stop saying the word
"relationship" that way?

I'm not condemning you
for your little fling.

Don't pass it off as something deeper.

All you have in common
is the faint impression

of the word "Sealy" on your backsides.

I wouldn't stay in a relationship
if there was no future in it.

So if you had nothing in common
beyond the physical, you'd break it off?

Yes, absolutely.
It's a principle of mine.

This topic comes up all the time
on my show. What do I always say?

- Surely you must listen occasionally.
- Of course.

But I'm usually busy
between eleven and one.

My show is on from two to five.

- Can't wait to see his face.
- Me, too. He doesn't have a clue.

All set.

Let's do it together.

Good boy.

That was terrific.

- I wonder if he made a wish.
- I know I did.

- Niles.
- Hello, Frasier.

Daphne, Dad.
We don't want to miss the previews.

Come on, birthday boy.
I haven't given you your present.

I got him a brand-new,
rubber eeseburger-chay.

Frasier, can we convince you to join us?

I don't think so. Your brother's
been slaving away in the kitchen.

I'm having Caitlin over for dinner.

For dinner.

And what would
you be preparing for dinner?

Stop your sniggering insinuations

that Caitlin and l
share nothing but the physical.

There are many things we share.

Caitlin.

Now they're sharing a Tic Tac.

Let me take your coat.

You remember Niles, of course.
And this is Daphne, Caitlin.

We'll be out of your way in a minute.

As soon as I can tear
Mr Crane away from Eddie.

Yes, he's having a birthday party
for his dog.

How old is he?

Too old to be having a birthday party
for his dog.

Can I interest you in a drink? I've just
opened a bottle of Côte de Brouilly.

You've been saving it. Bourgogne hasn't
made a decent Beaujolais in years.

Do you hear that, Niles?

Our Caitlin is a fellow oenophile.

When I was little,
my father owned a vineyard.

I would open a can of Hawaiian Punch
and let it breathe.

And we share that same
quirky sense of humour.

- Would you care for a glass?
- No. I hate the taste of wine.

Finally. Something I can use
to tell you two apart.

Martini?

I cut out alcohol
along with processed sugar,

dairy products and meat.
I hope I'm not screwing up your menu.

- What are you serving?
- Well, so far...

parsley

and curvy orange slices.

But we'll make do. Let me get you
a glass of mineral water.

Please, help yourself
to the melon slices. Just...

unwind the prosciutto.

I owe you an apology.
You two are compatible.

How long before
we're standing outside a wedding chapel

pelting you both
with whole grain brown rice?

Spare me your sarcasm.

Let me have my fun. You're having yours.

Even if you deny
that's what you're doing.

I would never continue

if I didn't feel that there was some
future in it. And I believe there is.

Ever heard of opposites attracting?

Where I am worldly,
Caitlin is unspoiled.

Rather remarkable,
given her terror of preservatives.

Frasier, I just met your dad.
Did you know we're both Libras?

Which explains why I'm so perky,
open-minded and quick to tears.

- And don't forget outgoing.
- No, I didn't.

Everybody coming?

- It was nice meeting you all.
- Nice to meet you, too, Caitlin.

Will you stop smirking?

It'll take more
than dabbling in astrology

to dim the charm of this young woman.

Oh, my God! This is the coolest chair.

Just get out.

- Morning, Frasier.
- Morning, Dad.

What's the matter?

It's Caitlin.

I'm in hell.

Last night I had the most intense
physical pleasure I've ever known.

Frasier, before you continue,

I shared my bed last night with a dog.

That's not the problem, Dad.

It's just there's absolutely no future
for me and Caitlin.

I never thought there was.
She's a flake.

That's not the point.

There are aspects of her personality
that I find off-putting.

Like her being a flake.

It's just difficult to walk away
from something so intoxicating.

Fras, I'm going to say one thing.

Watch out for this woman.
I know how these things work.

- You experienced something like this?
- I didn't say that.

I just know the type. Today, she's got
you going against your better judgement.

Pretty soon you'll be
thinking about her all the time,

losing sleep, missing work,
neglecting your friends.

And then you'll get caught naked with
her in the back seat of your squad car.

But, anyway, the point is
the longer you put this off,

the harder it'll be to end it.

You're absolutely right, Dad.
Got to nip this thing in the bud.

I'll go over there now. Doing anything
else would make me a hypocrite.

Just yesterday I dedicated an entire
show to the importance of self-control.

- You did?
- Doesn't anybody listen?

- Who is it?
- It's Frasier.

Why didn't you call first?
I'm working on one of my collages.

I'm covered in paint. I got turpentine
in my hair. I'm all sweaty.

It'll only take a moment.
I need to talk to you about something.

All right, but be nice.

Well, actually, I...

Good Lord, you really do look...

Good Lord.

- Hey, Daphne, is Frasier here?
- No, he's not back yet.

He was supposed to meet me
to finish this paperwork.

Now he can just do it himself.

- Can I use our powder room?
- Yeah, of course.

Frasier's attempt to break up
with Caitlin has gone awry again.

Now I've missed the wine tasting.

What kind of weak-willed man
allows a woman to come between him

- and a 1981 Cheval Blanc?
- Just out of curiosity,

why didn't you go by yourself instead
of sitting with me for half an hour?

I was worried about him, Daphne,
worried sick.

Dr Crane.
Were you at Caitlin's all this time?

Heavens, no,
I stopped by early this morning.

We've decided to go our separate ways.

And then I met up with Roz,
went over some paperwork.

You know how she is. Get her on
one of her troubles and yak, yak, yak.

And yet she makes
every story so interesting,

I could listen to her for hours.

Where have you been?

Where do you think I've been?
Trying to break up with Caitlin.

But did I do it? No.

And why?
Because I'm Frasier and I'm a sexoholic.

It's obvious what's happening here.
You are having a purely sexual fling

that happens to all of us
at some time in our lives.

Where the chemistry is perfect,
where you can't be alone together

without tearing each other's clothes off
and jumping each other.

Does this sound familiar?

Yeah.

Everyone's had a relationship like that.
I know I have.

His name was...

I can't tell you this.
It's too embarrassing.

We're all friends here.

I don't even remember all the details.

Take a minute.

It all started one afternoon when I was
sunbathing on the roof of our building.

I was concerned about tan lines
so I decided to unhook my bikini top.

I'll get it.

Mine was this lifeguard. He had long,
blond hair and the bluest eyes.

He used to get so sunburnt I'd spend
hours peeling the skin off his back.

What was his name?

Rick? Nick?
I know there was an ick sound.

I was about to make one of those myself.

My mother picks the worst times to call.
Did I miss anything?

- No. You were telling us a story.
- Yeah, that's right.

Well, once I got my top off,
I started thinking to myself,

I've never had an all-over tan.
So I looked to see if I was still alone.

Then I started to slip off...

The rolls are done.

We haven't heard anything from you,
Niles.

I don't think we're exactly
in Niles' wheelhouse.

I beg your pardon.

I've heard your stories.
They're not the steamiest stuff.

You've forgotten the semester
I spent living in Paris.

I had a torrid affair
with a married woman.

- Really?
- I had no idea.

It's not something I boast about.
The attraction was simply overpowering.

Every Thursday, two o'clock,
the Hotel de Boulogne.

We'd arrive separately,
climb the stairs, open the door

and ooh-la-la.

What an embrace.

Afterwards, she'd whisper to me,

"There's something so sweet
in your eyes, and it..."

"...does me so much good,"
said Emma Bovary.

If you're going to steal a love life,
don't steal from the classics.

The part about being in Paris is true.

Got them out just in time. Another
minute and I would've had burnt buns.

Which brings us back to your story.

There I was wearing nothing but a smile
when the sun started to shift.

So I moved behind the water tower,
and who was lying there but Derrick,

the good-looking fireman
from across the hall

who was also getting an all-over tan,
I might add. So I had two choices.

I could either tiptoe away or...

- Tea.
- No, sit!

Must Daphne do everything around here?

I'll get it. I could use
a glass of iced water anyway.

You're not the only one.
Let me give you a hand.

- Is any of this helping?
- Not much.

I've got to make a point here.
For as long as I've known you,

you've been complaining
about your lack of a sex life.

Now you have one,
so why are you still complaining?

It just seems wrong.
I've thought a lot about this...

That's your problem.
You've thought too much about this.

Why don't you stop listening to your
head and start listening to your body?

You're enjoying this. Why
do you have to feel so guilty about it?

I'm afraid I have no future with her.

So?

Maybe she thinks
she has a future with me.

Then it would be wrong.
But is that how she feels?

- I don't know.
- Ask her.

If she feels the same way,
just enjoy yourself.

These things don't come around very
often and they don't last when they do.

You're right. Over-thinking things
can certainly spoil anything.

I gave the same advice on my show
to that lawyer from Bainbridge.

- I don't remember that.
- You were five feet away.

Doesn't anyone listen?

It wasn't until afterwards
that we realised

we'd rolled onto the skylight
above the main stairwell.

We took some ribbing about that.

Everything's under control. Dinner
should be ready in about 20 minutes.

- Smells wonderful.
- So do you.

- Caitlin, you know...
- Yes?

I wanted to ask you,
where do you see this going?

Right now I'm heading
to your earlobe

but if you care to reroute me,
I'm open to suggestions.

No, I mean our relationship.
We've never talked about it.

I don't know. I guess I was kind of
looking at this as a nice, casual thing.

- I hope that doesn't disappoint you.
- No, I'm actually relieved.

I've been loving things
the way they are, too.

- We're just having some fun, right?
- Fun doesn't begin to describe it.

I wanted to make sure
we were both on the same page.

Is that what's been on your mind
because you've been tense.

I even got some hot oil
to give you a massage.

I guess we won't be needing that now.

Well, I have been terribly worried
about this global warming situation.

We've got some time before dinner.
I'll go get the oil.

- I'm so glad we had this conversation.
- Yeah, me, too.

I was starting to worry that
you were scared off by my lifestyle.

- I mean, I'm pretty out there.
- Oh, Caitlin...

I'm not that narrow-minded.
We have a wonderful chemistry.

That's enough to offset
a few minor differences.

You can be taking your shirt off.

Same goes, by the way.

I just love these converted loft spaces.

I wonder what this one was
before you moved in.

Judging by these meat hooks,
I'd say a slaughterhouse, huh?

No, I put those in.
It was a day-care centre.

You artists with your whimsical
decorating touches.

That's a mousetrap, isn't it?

- Do you get many mice?
- I wish. I use them in my art.

Dead mice?

They're part of my newest collage
series. It's all about mortality.

Caitlin, you've cut your hair.

Yeah, sometimes the spirit
just grabs me and I've got to do it.

It's very freeing.
Plus, there's something great

about using your body parts
for a practical use.

Well, it's different.

It's still beautiful, nonetheless.

- Is that all your hair?
- It's mostly mine.

- I'm thinking...
- No, don't think.

The secret to a good massage
is to let the mind rest

- and listen to the body.
- Right.

Go ahead, body, I'm listening.

That feels good.

If we move to the bed, I could give you
a more thorough massage.

I just remembered
it's a full moon tonight.

Look. Isn't that beautiful?

How romantic. There's nothing like
a full moon to make one want to...

Caitlin?

I'm a member of the Lycanthrope Society.

- As in werewolf?
- Not literally. It's a group of women

who believe the moon
controls our cycles.

This is our way of paying our respects.

Besides, you've heard me howl before.

Yes, but in that context,
I took it as a compliment.

Frasier, you're getting all tense again.
It's the hair pillows, isn't it?

Yes, that...

- Got one.
- Among other things.

I'm starting to think
that maybe this isn't such a good idea.

What do you mean?

We're just so different. I'm basically
your stuffy, buttoned-down sort of guy.

You're a free-spirited, mouse-painting,
moon-howling sort of girl.

Is even the most satisfying sexual
relationship enough to bridge that gap?

Well, I think so.

What do you think?