Frasier (1993–2004): Season 5, Episode 17 - The Perfect Guy - full transcript

Now for a difficult one.

Firm, velvety rind, bit smoky.

Applewood, I think.

This is what I get for sending you
to camp in France.

Can I help you with anything else?

No, thanks.
This $6 can of dog food will be fine.

It'll sure teach me not to leave my
shopping until the last minute again.

- Is it Reblochon?
- You are good, Dr Crane.

Yeah, he's a regular cheese whiz.

I'll take half a pound of the Reblochon

and half a pound of Saint Andre and
I know I ask this every week, but...



-...is it here?
- Is what here?

You know
I mean the imported Swiss prosciutto.

The Bündnerfleisch. I am sorry.

If only you had been here one hour ago.

- Damn.
- You would have seen it arrive.

- I have my fun with you.
- You do, Robert.

I long for the days
when you barely spoke English.

Slice like the wind.
I'll take a pound.

18 dollars a pound? This
salami's good, but it's not that good.

It was aged for six months

and air-cured in a small village
at the foot of the Pyrenees.

- A steal at that price.
- You got that right, pal.

Dad, if you want to wait outside...

I'm fine. Look at all these
different kinds of olive oil.



Virgin, extra virgin...

Extra virgin?
How does that work?

I guess if you can cure a sausage...

Monsieur, I am so glad
you find my food so amusing.

Robert, he's only joking.
Keep on slicing.

Come on now. Even you've got to admit
this whole store is kind of nutty.

$14 for a pound of goat cheese?

For that price,
I ought to be able to get a whole goat.

And we're slicing.

Perhaps you would be more
comfortable if you just waited outside.

You want me to leave,
come out and say it.

- Fine. Leave from my store.
- No problem. Come on, Niles.

- He wants us to "leave from his store".
- Don't hurry back.

All the money in the world
wouldn't get me back in this snob shop.

He is my father. So I can't leave here
with a bag of your merchandise.

- Home delivery?
- Thank you.

No one treats my father that way.
Those olives, too. No one.

About the photo shoot?
Will you need make-up?

Heavens no.

I think that you look
very handsome without it.

Really? I think you look
very attractive with make-up.

Not that you need it. But if you are
wearing make-up, it's so well applied

that I wouldn't even know
you're wearing make-up.

Bet it looks like I'm wearing rouge.

I know what you meant.
And thank you.

Dr Crane,
I've been meaning to ask you,

what do you think about two people
who work together dating?

Well, Sharon,
I'm asked that question a lot,

and the stark reality is that
that situation is fraught with...

...delightful possibilities.

- So, are you free on Friday?
- Yes, Friday it is. After the show.

- Great.
- Great.

- Dr Crane?
- Yes.

Clint Webber. I'm hosting
the new show on health issues.

Of course. Dr Webber.
Welcome to KACL.

I'm in your debt
for recommending my audition tape.

Not at all. It was very good.

We'd gotten tired of the
last show that was in that time slot,

Bert, the Backyard Gardener.

Rumour that his latest crop gave
new meaning to the term "potting shed".

Perfect timing. Come, Clint.

Roz Doyle, my producer. This is Dr Clint
Webber, the new host of Health Watch.

- Hi.
- Hi. Great to meet you.

- So, you're new.
- That's right.

- And a doctor?
- That's right.

I don't want to be late
for that station tour.

Again, welcome aboard, Clint.

Could I have acted any goofier?

Not without a set of fake buck teeth.

He's so handsome. I can't work with
someone that handsome. No offence.

Granted,
when it comes to the looks department,

- Dr Webber and I aren't in the same...
- Species?

I was going to say league,
but species is so much more insulting.

This stinks. The chicks are going nuts
over this Webber guy.

I'm the only sex symbol around here.
Look at this.

Come on. Come on, take your best shot.
No, whoa, not you. One of those guys.

Bulldog, you're behaving immaturely,
even for you.

There's no reason to feel threatened.

I must confess, I didn't
notice he was all that handsome.

You didn't notice? You of all people?

Just what are you insinuating?

Well, you know, that you're a little...

For your information, I happen
to be a happily married man.

You're married?

To a woman?

Of course to a woman.
You've all heard me mention Deb.

How often have I said, "l must
run along. Deb will be waiting"?

- We thought Deb was your cat.
- She is not a cat.

She is Mrs Gilbert Leslie Chesterton,
a Sarah Lawrence graduate

and the owner of a very successful
auto body repair shop.

Honestly, the conclusions people make
just because a man dresses well

and knows how to use a pastry bag.

Well, that's the first time
I've ever seen a man "in" himself.

Dad, I can't help noticing
Eddie's looking a bit glum.

Yeah, he's mad at me.

I gave him a can of that dog food from
your fancy gourmet place the other day.

- He didn't like it?
- He loved it.

Now he won't eat anything else.

Even turned his nose up
at a kosher pickle and he loves those.

I called all over Seattle and Frenchy's
the only one who carries that stuff.

- Would you consider apologising?
- I'm never going in that store again.

There is a technique of sleep feeding

involving an eye dropper
and a high fructose protein shake.

- I don't know about that.
- It worked on Maris.

Hello, Niles, Dad.

Hello, Roz. How are you doing?

- Frasier, are you aware...
- Yes, I'm aware.

We were taking publicity photos today.

I had an allergic reaction
to the make-up.

I wasn't planning on wearing any
but there's a handsome new employee.

Everybody's feeling insecure.
They were all slapping their make-up on,

so I, too, gave in to vanity. And like
Icarus, flying too close to the sun,

- I, too, paid the price.
- Wow!

I don't go to the mythology well often,
but that was spot on.

No, I mean that guy. He's so handsome.

- It's him. It's Dr Webber.
- Roz, that's enough.

- He is striking.
- Frasier's jealous.

I am not jealous.
Yes, the man is handsome.

But I'm sure there's a number of areas
in which I am his superior.

Good looks can be a mixed blessing.
People roll out the red carpet for you,

but that robs you of any incentive
to develop other qualities.

After a while you are left an ageing
Narcissus, bent at the water's edge,

realising those lines
in the pond aren't ripples.

- They're wrinkles.
- Amazing.

- I rather liked that one myself.
- That guy could be a movie star.

Roz, don't we have some work to do?

- Take this table. I have a session.
- Yeah, I've got to go, too.

Like Zeus riding his thunderbolt
to Mount Vesuvius.

Very amusing, Dad. Off you go.

Dr Crane.

Dr Webber.
You remember Roz Doyle, of course?

Yes, hello.

Who could forget that infectious laugh?

Has anyone had a look at that rash?

- Yes, everybody. Yes.
- Mind if I join you?

- Actually, we were just...
- We were hoping you would.

So, Clint, I see that
you're a squash player.

If you're up for a game,
I used to play a bit back in Harvard.

I'd love to. Harvard?
I was dying to go to Harvard.

I'm sure your school was just as good.

- I went to Oxford.
- Even better.

- Did you go to medical school there?
- Yes, but I took a year off first

to get my masters in French history.
Just wanted to do something fun.

So you speak French?

Seulement quand
je rencontre une belle femme.

I understand the importance of time off
before beginning medical school.

I spent that summer in Milan
studying the history of opera.

I had the good fortune
to become friends with

a then little-known young tenor
by the name of Carreras.

- José Carreras?
- Forgive the name dropping.

- He's my godfather.
- You're joking.

No, I'll call him tonight. He'll be
delighted to hear I'm working with you.

I wonder if he remembers
the game we used to play

where we pretended
not to remember one another.

That rash is starting to concern me.
I'll pop and get my medical kit.

There's really no need.

OK, maybe we can get some work done
while he's gone.

Roz, for heaven's sake. You behave
like a starry-eyed bobby-soxer.

Yes, the man is good looking.
It's not like he can stop traffic.

There's a blind corner out there.
We don't know if that was him.

How was your squash game?

Dr Webber neglected to mention that
he was squash champion back in college.

- I'm sorry, Frasier.
- Not at all. It was a lovely morning.

Clint treated me to breakfast.

Once we arrived at Le Relais,
the chef had just cut himself.

Clint not only treated the wound,

but made us a flawless
egg white and truffle omelette.

I put myself through med school
as a sous-chef at Le Cirque.

I just want to pinch you
to make sure you're real.

He's real.

I'm going to get a glass of water.
I'll be right back.

But you're about to start the show.

I thought I'd have Clint on,
give his show a leg up.

You're plugging Clint. I'm having
trouble believing this buddy-buddy act.

Try as you may to insinuate I am
jealous of this man, I like Clint.

Why else would I be giving a party
in his honour tonight?

You're on in ten seconds.

Slip on those headphones
and follow my lead.

This is Dr Frasier Crane.
Before we start our regular programme,

I'd like to introduce you
to Dr Clint Webber.

Clint, you'll probably spend a week
figuring out what all these buttons do.

Actually, in college
I ran the radio station.

Things may have gotten
a bit more sophisticated since then.

For instance,
we have here a cough button.

If I'm not mistaken,
that's the echo button.

Of course it is.

All my listeners are familiar
with my now trademark echoing cough.

Well, let's go to the lines, take our
first call and show Dr Webber the ropes.

- Go ahead, you're on the air.
- Hi, Dr Crane. It's Marie.

Hello, Marie. I'm listening.

I've been having a hard time
getting out of bed every morning.

And when I finally do,
I'm irritable for hours.

The desire to stay in bed

is similar
to the desire to regress to the womb.

Some unconscious fear
is driving you to a place of safety.

You'll have to examine your life

and discover what it is
you're retreating from.

It's hard, but very necessary work.
It may be time to try some therapy.

- Wow.
- You are good, Dr Crane.

The thing that came to my head
was that she might be hypoglycaemic.

I'd have suggested
some protein in the morning.

Wait a minute. Last Thursday I had eggs
for breakfast, and I felt great all day.

- Well, maybe that's it then.
- What a relief.

You scared the life out of me, Dr Crane.

Yes, well, thank you, Marie.

All right, I think it's time
to say goodbye to Dr Webber now.

We'll be back after these messages.

- That was fun.
- Yes, it was, wasn't it?

- I hope I wasn't out of line.
- No, not at all.

I always enjoy learning something new.

I'll see you tonight.
Don't be late.

- I'm always punctual.
- Of course you are.

I hate him.

He's not here.
A case of that dog food, please.

- Will that be all?
- Yeah, and I'm in a hurry.

Look here. Nickerson's Lemon Biscuits.
These bring back memories.

- Do you carry the raspberry ones?
- I'm not sure.

- Can you come back for those?
- Robert?

Well, look who's come back.

Why don't you just let me pay for this
and get out of here? What do I owe you?

I think we both know what you owe me.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't
have made fun of your store.

Are you going to let me off the hook?

I'll sell it to you.
I never like to lose a customer.

While I'm here, I'll take a few cases.

We have new varieties
if you'd care to look.

- Sure.
- Please, show the man.

I think these biscuits are mismarked.

- No, that's correct.
- $14.95? For a package this small?

I see we have another member
of the Price Club.

There's no need for that.
Back home I can get these for 80p.

- I do have to fly them over.
- Did you buy them a seat on Concorde?

If you cannot afford them,
put them back.

I can bloody well afford them.

- This is robbery.
- Robber? No one calls me robber.

- Robert?
- Not now.

On your way out, a sign on the door
says "please come again". Disregard it.

I'd be happy to.
Mr Crane was right about you.

You're nothing but an arrogant,
swindling little cheese-monger.

This is great. I'll take a case of each.

You'll take a case of nothing.

- What happened?
- We don't need his food.

Yes, we do.
He's got tarragon flavour now.

- What about Eddie?
- He'll eat when he gets hungry.

For heaven sakes,
he drinks out of the toilet.

So George S Kaufmann so dislikes
what the actor is doing,

he sends a telegram reading,

"I'm watching your performance from the
rear of the house. Wish you were here."

I believe
that's the story you meant to tell.

Thanks for helping out.

Doc, great way to welcome the new guy.

I'm surprised you're even here.
I didn't think you cared much for Clint.

I'm over that.
I figured he can't nab every chick,

so if we pal around,
I bag the leftovers.

You're a regular busboy of romance.
Excuse me.

- Niles.
- How's it going?

Let me see. What have you missed?

Clint told us about how he learned to
fly a plane, then he recited a sonnet.

Then he fixed my ice machine and he
invented a new drink, the pink Webber.

I've got Daphne
drawing a bath right now.

If the party starts to lag, I can invite
him to walk on water to liven things up.

Don't let it make you crazy.

At some point we all run
into someone who's our superior.

I've never dealt
with this sort of thing before.

Never?

As my younger brother, you've dealt
with this sort of thing all your life.

At least he won't outshine you
in the egomania department.

Sorry. Yes, I'm being silly
about this, I suppose.

I just wish I could find one flaw,
one area where I'm his superior.

I'm sure you will although
it won't be in the drink department.

This is heaven in a glass.

I was just admiring
this chessboard. It's beautiful.

Thank you. Do you play?

No. Are you in the middle of a match?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I'm playing
by mail with a Russian grandmaster.

- It's quite challenging.
- Congratulations.

With your use
of the Zekrepsky Attack,

you're only four moves away
from certain victory.

You're right. And, actually,
I'd be happy to hear that,

except I'm playing black.
Well, wasn't that a fun eight months?

Excuse me.

Hello, Sharon. Sorry we haven't
had a chance to speak much.

I'm looking forward
to our date on Friday.

So am I. You look...
absolutely beautiful.

Or should I say...

Why? What's so funny?

You just told me
I'm as lovely as a chicken beak.

Really?

Who's as lovely as a chicken beak?

You speak Mandarin?

I just wanted to thank you
for this party.

Don't mention it.

It's been a perfect evening.
The hors d'oeuvres, the company,

the music. I love this song.

Well, enjoy.

I'm sorry. I was singing too loud.

No, not at all. I can't tell you
how much I'm enjoying hearing it.

Careful, it doesn't take much coaxing
to get me to perform.

Really?

Get a glass of wine in me,
I'm serenading the entire room.

Really?

I'm afraid I have a bit
of the old ham in me.

Would it be presumptuous to sing
in front of your guests?

I think we could persuade
the piano player to play it again.

Niles, I've done it.
I have found his Achilles' heel.

- Whose?
- Clint's. I just heard him singing.

He's tone-deaf. He's about to sing
a rendition of Isn't It Romantic?

that will simply
peel the enamel from your teeth.

Are you sure
you want to let him do that?

- What do you mean?
- You're a wonderful singer.

Isn't it enough to know that? Do you
need to see him humiliate himself?

Yes.

- Now, Frasier...
- No, you're right.

I guess I am a bigger man than that.

Dr Crane, your friend
Clint's quite a charmer.

- Yes, he is, isn't he?
- Do you suppose he's single?

I was going to give him my phone number.

Excuse me, I just want to thank you all
for this warm welcome to KACL.

And, as a token of my gratitude,
I'd like to share this song with you.

- Clint, there's been a change in plans.
- Yes, I'm going to accompany you now.

Get up.

Please, everybody. Nobody's perfect.