Frasier (1993–2004): Season 5, Episode 18 - Bad Dog - full transcript

What's going on?
I've got an appointment in 20 minutes.

Some weenie complained so now they
clean the milk steamer after every use.

It was you, wasn't it?

If requesting basic sanitary procedures
makes me a weenie, then a weenie be I.

- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Roz.

Frasier, what stupid suggestion
did you make this time?

Nice to see you, too, Roz.

Sorry. I just spent two hours trying on
jumbo formal wear for the SeaBea Awards.

The size two salesgirl said I could
use this again after my pregnancy.

Well, perhaps you could cut off
the bow, remove the sleeves, and...

Stick a pole in it and go camping.



If I'm gonna stick a pole someplace...

Children.

- Coffee to go. Black.
- I am looking forward to the SeaBeas.

Why? You won't win.
They never give it to the MC.

- Now, me... I'm a lock.
- You're awfully cocky.

If knowing I'm the best thing on the
air makes me cocky, then cocky be I.

You're not the only one
who can talk classy.

- How is that talking like Lassie?
- Let's just move on, shall we?

Roz, that man, he's got a gun.

He's got a gun.

- Roz, are you all right?
- Yeah.

Bulldog, I can't believe you did that.

- You saved me.
- I did what anyone would have done.

- You were so brave.
- You're a hero.



Close enough.

Excuse me, will you hold that, please?

- Niles.
- I was on my way up to see you.

Niles, what have we determined about
your success with impulse purchases?

- The salesman said I could pull it off.
- My suggestion exactly.

- Fine. Frasier, ask me if I have news.
- I've got some news of my own.

In the cafe today... For God's sake.
Niles, do you have news?

First, congratulations
on your SeaBea nomination.

- Now congratulate me on mine.
- What?

If you'd bothered
to look past your own name,

you would've found mine right after it
on page...

...fifteen.

"Best Performance by a Guest
on an Information Show."

It's for that spot I did on KJSB

when I discussed the psychological
effects of long-term inclement weather.

30 minutes of psycho-babble,
reducible to one phrase,

"Rain, rain, go away".

I'm not surprised
you've belittled my nomination.

In your mind, you're the success.
I'm just invisible.

That's not the way
the rest of the world sees it.

- Frasier, boy, am I glad to see you.
- Dr Crane, thank goodness you're home.

I'm also here.

- We heard what happened.
- Niles, as I was trying to tell you,

there was an attempted armed robbery
at the cafe.

- Was anyone hurt?
- No, it was all diffused quickly.

Tempest in a teapot, really.

On a more pleasant topic,
this afternoon I found out...

Niles, hold it.
How did you two hear about it?

- On the news.
- Bulldog really saved the day.

- They said that on the news?
- How he swept Roz out of the way,

and then threw his hot coffee
on the gunman.

That's not how it happened at all.
Why would he say such a thing?

It was drizzling today
and people act strangely when it rains,

- as I pointed out in my SeaBea...
- Shut up, Niles.

Well, then, what did happen?

We were standing at the counter...

...when I noticed a man with a gun.
I warned Roz.

Bulldog saw a different man
and thought he was the gunman.

That's when he grabbed Roz and held her
in front of him as a human shield.

But as he did that, he knocked
his coffee onto the actual gunman,

causing him to drop his weapon
and run out.

- No one else saw that happen?
- Apparently not.

I can't believe Bulldog would use Roz.

- Why didn't you say anything?
- I was relieved everyone was all right.

It did irk me
when everyone was praising him.

The owner of the cafe promised him
a lifetime supply of muffins.

I never thought it would go this far.
I never thought I'd hear it on the news.

I wonder how much that would be,
a lifetime supply of muffins.

I'm not going to let Bulldog
get away with it.

I've never seen Bulldog eat a muffin.
It would be wasted on him.

- I'll tell him I saw what happened.
- Now me, I could eat a muffin a day,

some days even two
knowing they'd be free.

So that's maybe ten a week, 52 weeks
a year, for at least another 40 years,

which works out to...

...20,000 muffins.

My life suddenly seems long
measured in muffins.

Daphne, there are a lot of things
that can make life suddenly seem long.

That's all the time we have for today.
Good afternoon, Seattle

and good mental health.

- Did you see Bulldog come in?
- No, I've been looking for him myself.

Stop that. They're for him.

- Do you think he had anything...
- There he is.

Enough hero worship.

I take my pants off one leg at a time
like everybody else.

You can vouch for that,
can't you, Myrna?

I made these cookies for you.

I already had a bunch of muffins
but there's always room for a cookie.

- Where's the milk?
- Coming right up.

- Hello, Bulldog.
- Hey, Doc.

This hero stuff is the best.
Hey, last night, sisters.

At one point I was a hero sandwich.

Get it?
They were the bread, and I was...

Yes, I got it. Just drop it.
I saw what you did yesterday.

- I saved your butt.
- Saved my butt, my ass.

You pulled Roz in front of you
to protect yourself.

That stinks. That's total BS.

I'm a hero. I'm a brave man.

You're not going to tell, are you?

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't.

You like muffins?

I was determined to expose you
but I don't have to.

You'll do it yourself because
"a guilty conscience needs no accuser".

That means you won't tell?

Once again, I don't have to

because "a guilty conscience
sleeps in thunder".

- It means I won't tell.
- 20 seconds, Bulldog.

I'm fascinated as a psychiatrist
to watch this little experiment.

I know that you feel bad
about what you've done

and you'll feel worse
every time you capitalise on it.

How long before your conscience
overwhelms you?

Sports fans, this is Bob "Bulldog"
Brisco. You're in the doghouse.

Let's go to the phones.

This is Roz Doyle
and I have some very exciting news.

Each year at the SeaBea Awards,

a radio personality receives the Harold
Hirschauer "Man of the Year" award,

and this year our winner
is our very own Bulldog Brisco,

who was chosen for his heroism.
Congratulations, Bulldog.

Well, what do you say to that, hero?

This is incredible.

I really feel honoured
but I've got to clear something up.

Yesterday at the cafe, this young lady
kept coming up to me and saying,

"You're my hero. How can I ever thank
you?" Well, I got a confession to make.

I lost your number, but if call in,
I got an answer for you.

[PRESSES HORN, BARKS]

OK, I'm ready. Go ahead, Daphne.

And the SeaBea goes to...

...Dr Niles Crane.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you. To be accurate,

it's traditional for the presenter
to kiss and embrace the winner.

- Won't your brother be the presenter?
- We can't know that for certain.

Hello, Dr Crane. We're just
practising for Saturday night.

- Best case scenario.
- Obviously.

- Daph, your pie's done.
- Thanks.

- Will you be joining us for dessert?
- No, thank you.

- I'm not hungry.
- Where have you been?

Driving around. Thinking. I can't
get this Bulldog thing off my mind.

Don't worry about it.
We all get obsessed sometimes.

Just drop it
before you start yakking on about it

to someone who doesn't give a rat's ass.

Is that your way of saying
you don't want to discuss it?

You want to take the direct route?

Why do you care so much about Bulldog?

It's not really Bulldog so much.
I just believe that conscience,

more than customs and laws, is what
prevents people from doing wrong.

To contemplate
a sane man with no conscience,

it shakes my entire world view.

In my family conscience is what
my dad called his wooden paddle.

How awful for you.

For me brothers, yes,
but I knew he'd never use it on me.

As long as I was always good.
As long as I was always polite.

As long as I always had a smile
on me face, no matter how I felt.

As long as I was always ready
to wait on the men, hand and foot,

day and night, year in, year out.

- More coffee, anyone?
- No, just have a seat.

Here, I'll pour for you.

I can't understand how Bulldog
can accept all those accolades

- and not be tormented by it.
- Maybe he is.

For all you know, he's at home
pacing the floor, unable to sleep.

That's a comforting thought, Niles.

But we'll never know for sure, will we?
Well, enough about this.

You know, I think I'm off to bed.
Night, all.

I'm proud of Fras. Used to be he'd get a
bee in his bonnet and never get it out.

- Thought we'd hear about it for weeks.
- He would've been up all night.

He wouldn't have been able to sleep

until he went over to Bulldog's
to make sure he wasn't sleeping.

I should've told him
to pick up some more milk.

- What are you doing here?
- I want to talk to you.

This isn't a good time. I got company.

You have done something horrible
and I need to know you feel bad.

You been looking
through the keyhole?

I'm talking
about what happened with Roz.

- Not this again.
- Bulldog, I'm lonely.

Talk to your sister for a sec.
I'll be right there.

- I've got to go.
- Bulldog.

- Stop that.
- I need to know that you feel remorse.

This is really bugging you.

Well, OK, all right.

The truth is I feel bad.
I feel real bad.

You feel nothing.

These little things
just don't get to me.

The little thing in question is using
a pregnant woman as a human shield.

- Have you no conscience?
- Maybe not.

I refuse to believe that.

Maybe I was born without.
Like my cousin.

He was born
without a big toe on each foot.

I used to sneak up on him,
tip him over.

I didn't feel bad about that either.
See you.

No, I know you've got a conscience.

It's buried deep down inside.
I will get it out of you.

You mark my words, I don't know
how yet, but Saturday night,

you will be so consumed with guilt,

you won't be able to accept
that Man of the Year award.

[LOUNGE MUSIC, CHATTER]

Daphne.

- You're gorgeous.
- Thank you.

Dad, not bad, either.

Thanks. I guess any guy
looks good in a monkey suit.

On the drive I was musing
about why they call it a monkey suit.

- I had quite a few theories.
- She sure did.

Can I get a ride home with you?

Roz, is everything all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. It's just that my hair
is huge and this dress is a joke.

No, nonsense, Roz. You look divine.

No, I look like Divine.

I've got to go sit down.

Look at the way the lights are shining
on the sequins on this dress.

I'm a disco ball.

It certainly promises
to be quite a night.

I'm glad to see
you're enjoying yourself.

I wasn't sure you would
with Bulldog getting that award.

I wouldn't be surprised if Bulldog
declines that award.

Why would he?

I've arranged a few surprises
to prick his conscience.

Until, like Hamlet's stepfather,
he totters from the banquet,

ghostly pale and gibbering with guilt.

Could I get a ride home with you?

- Niles.
- Hello, all.

Daphne, you look stunning.

Thanks. You look very smart.

Thank you. Of course, I guess it's hard
not to look elegant in evening wear.

Hard, but not impossible.

Shall we take our seats?

Yes, although if Dame Rumour is correct,
I won't be sitting long.

Listen, now are we all at table 105?

We're at table four.

Excuse me. Where is this table?

105. That's the technical awards.

Go down to the basement, through the
kitchen and ask for the Napoleon Room.

The Napoleon Room.
That's sounds charming.

We call it that
cause the ceilings are so low.

Shame. Now you won't
get to see your brother host

or hear all the little jokes
he's written.

Thank you, Daphne.
I needed some cheering up.

- Bulldog.
- Let's go this way.

No need to avoid me. I have
no intention of ruining your evening.

- In fact, it's going to be memorable.
- You been sleeping OK?

Don't you worry about me. I'll sleep
fine tonight. The sleep of the just.

Me, too. The sleep of the just-boinked.

And the nominees are...
Consumer Forum.

Wendy Yashiro, talent,
Mike Freedman, producer.

The Dr Frasier Crane Show.

Dr Frasier Crane, talent,
Roz Doyle, producer.

And Bob and Nipsey's
Morning Laugh Factory.

Bob and Nipsey, talent,
Lunatic Larry, producer.

And the SeaBea goes to...

Bob and Nipsey's
Morning Laugh Factory.

Bob and Nipsey
couldn't make it tonight,

so I accept this award on their behalf.

That brings us to our final category.

But let's take a short break
and we'll be right back

with the Man of the Year award.

Sorry you didn't win.

That's all right. I'm only concerned
with one award tonight. The next one.

- Hey, Dr Crane, how did it go?
- I lost.

Sorry you didn't win.
I've been saying that a lot tonight.

Look, wine. They didn't serve alcohol
at the technical awards,

as I informed so many of the guests
who mistook me for their waiter.

I was the only nominee
dressed in black tie,

except for the one man in front
wearing a tuxedo t-shirt.

- I'm sorry, Niles.
- I didn't come home empty-handed.

We received one of these certificates,

given out after we'd folded our tables
and stacked our chairs.

Welcome back.

The time has come to present the
Harold Hirschauer Man of the Year Award.

Thank you, Susan.

As you all know, this award is presented
every year to the radio personality

that brings honour to our medium.

This year that person is Bob "Bulldog"
Brisco. Come on up here, Bulldog.

What a night, huh?

Bob, the night
is just beginning for you.

Could we please lower the house lights?

What's going on?

A few surprise guests that
I've invited to help you celebrate.

People from your past that helped
make you the man that you are today.

Do you recognise this voice?

Bobby Brisco,
you have made us all proud.

Oh, my gosh. Is that...?

Yes. It's Father O'Rourke, your boyhood
priest and childhood confessor.

And who's there next to him?

Bobby Brisco, sit down in your chair.

That's right. It's Mrs McCloud,
your second grade teacher,

the woman who taught you
that honesty is the best policy.

- Who's that next to her?
- Drop and give me fifty, Bulldog.

Coach Nuge?

Coach Nugent
from your Pee Wee football days.

He taught you it doesn't matter
whether you win or lose

- but that you play fair.
- You're wasting your time.

And who's that next to him?
It's the president of your fan club,

little Joey Katona, whose only dream
is to grow up and be just like you.

But we're not through yet.

Could we please
bring the house lights up again?

We've saved the best for last. It's
the woman that gave everything to you.

You ought to know that one, Deb.

The night would not be complete

without the woman who taught you
right from wrong.

It's your mother, Bernice Brisco.

Mom!

- I am so proud of you, Bobby.
- Oh, Mom.

Let's turn the microphone over
to our guest of honour this evening.

I'm sure we're all anxious
to hear what the hero has to say.

I'm really blown away by all this.

I didn't think I'd be accepting this
in front of all you guys.

I wrote up this little speech.

I can't say this stuff now.

What I've got to say is simple.

This is totally awesome.
Thank you, everybody.

- This can't be happening.
- Let it go.

I can't. The man is a coward
and he's being rewarded.

- I'll never hear the end of this.
- No. I'm sorry, Dad.

Bulldog, there's a guy there with a gun.

There's a gun.

Sorry, my mistake.

He used his own mother
to protect himself.

- Isn't that what you did to me?
- No, I just... No.

- What is the matter with you?
- You don't deserve that award.

Thanks, Dad.

I'm no hero.
I just wanted you to shut up.