Frasier (1993–2004): Season 4, Episode 22 - Ask Me No Questions - full transcript
Over coffee at Cafe Nervosa, Niles asks Frasier if he thinks Niles and Maris are meant to be together. Frasier typically over-analyzes the question, turning to everyone for advice, and obsessing about the proper answer to the point of obliviousness to anything else.
Well, that's our show for today.
But before we close,
I'd like to invite you all
to join us here at KACL
in wishing a fond farewell
to our Happy Chef, Leo Pascale,
as he bubble-wraps his crepe pan
and heads south
towards sunny Santa Fe.
Leo, you stirred us
with your passion...
...melted us with your charm,
added spice to our lives.
Now, as you whisk yourself away...
...let's not say goodbye,
but rather tartare for now.
This is Dr Frasier Crane, KACL 780.
Well, at least you stopped short
of saying, "I'll be fricasseeing you."
You ready to go to Leo's party?
Oh, dear God,
there is nothing I detest more
than a KACL goodbye party.
They're all the same.
Twist-top wine and a bunch of people
standing around awkwardly,
trying to summon up some affection
for someone they hardly even know.
It always ends up
reeking of insincerity.
What are we gonna do, doc?
He's leaving us.
- Bulldog and Leo were tight.
- Well, Bulldog certainly is.
I love that guy, man.
He'd give me all his leftovers.
I warned Leo, you keep feeding him,
he'll keep coming back.
- Are you going to the party?
- Actually, I think I'm gonna pass.
Come on. Doc, you gotta at least
have a drink, give him a hug.
That is precisely
what I'm trying to avoid.
When did we become
a society of huggers?
Oh, we hug for everything nowadays.
I mean, "Hello." Hug.
"Congratulations." Hug.
"Nice haircut." Hug.
It's absurd.
I mean, if we want to express
some real emotion for someone,
- where is there left to go?
- I've had good luck
with the storage closet.
You know, I think you're
way too uptight about this.
No, no, no, I see the doc's point.
We all have different ways
of saying goodbye.
Me, I prefer this method.
Get out! Come on! I got a show to do.
Well, I think hugging
is very healthy.
I read somewhere
that if you have physical contact
on a regular basis,
it can actually extend your life.
Well, in that case,
you should outlive Styrofoam.
- Frasier, you made it.
- Well, Leo, you know I wouldn't miss
- saying goodbye to you for the world.
ROZ: We're gonna miss you so much.
We sure are. Oh, what the heck.
You have no idea
how hard this is for me.
FRASIER:
Thank you.
I must say, Niles,
that is a striking tie you're wearing.
Thank you. It was a gift from Maris.
She had it made for me
to commemorate the end
of that dreadful winter
she had her obesity scare.
FRASIER:
Oh, yes.
I remember her struggle
to lose that holiday pound.
NILES:
Yes.
After she'd restored her figure,
she had Yoshi set fire
to a hippopotamus topiary
she felt had taunted her.
Yeah.
Then, as a visual reminder
never to let herself go again,
she had this tie made for me out
of the legs of her fat pants. Thank you.
You know, I would think
wearing a tie that Maris gave you
might make you feel
a little bit melancholy.
On the contrary. I have
every reason to believe Maris and I
- may be on the road to reconciliation.
- Really?
- We met for lunch today.
- Mm-hm.
I told her I couldn't stand
being in separation limbo any more,
and unless she wanted
the marriage to end,
- we simply had to get into counselling.
- And she agreed?
Her exact words were
"I'll think about it,"
but I saw a twinkle
in her eye I have not seen
since the neighbour children
discovered our new electric fence.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- The foam is a tad listless today.
- Yes. I can tell without looking
they've got Chad
back on steamer duty.
You are good.
- Excuse me, Dr Niles Crane?
- I am.
- Here.
NILES: Oh.
Who's sending me this?
"Notice. Petition...
...for divorce."
- Sorry, man. Cool tie.
- I don't know what to say.
- Oh... It's all right.
Would have been nice if we'd given
therapy a try, but so be it.
It's little consolation,
but you're to be applauded
for how you're handling this.
A lesser man would panic.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
I'll get her back.
You have too much dignity
to let yourself beg.
Please give me my phone back.
Please. Please.
FRASIER:
Stop. Stop. Stop it!
Listen, I know you're upset now,
but remember
why you left Maris in the first place.
You were tired of grovelling.
Yes, but I'm rested now.
Fine.
Go ahead
and toddle on back to Maris.
Let her grind you under her boot heel
for another 12 years,
rob you of whatever self-respect
you've retained.
Then we can have
this conversation all over again!
- I was unhappy, wasn't I?
- You were miserable.
I'm sorry.
It's just a lot to take in.
Twelve years of my life, gone.
Oh, don't think of it as a loss,
but rather an opportunity for growth.
- It's not an ending, it's...
- Frasier.
No offence, but I'm familiar
with all the platitudes.
I've just been served divorce papers.
I need a little time to let it sink in.
If you don't mind, maybe we could
not talk about it for a while.
- Of course.
- Hi. Can I get you guys anything?
No, thank you.
We've already been served.
Sorry.
[DOOR HANDLE JOSTLING]
- Oh, you're back.
- Yeah, I never should have left.
The park was a disaster.
You remember that outfit Mrs Foster
knitted Eddie for Christmas?
Well, I bumped into her
in the lobby,
and she said she was gonna
be going to the park.
And I thought it would be rude
if I didn't at least have him
wear it one time, you know?
Eddie, get in here.
Look at the poor guy.
He's humiliated.
And then, of course,
she didn't even show up.
But you know who was there? Duke.
And two guys from the old precinct.
"Glad to see you've got something
to do, now that you're retired."
"Hey, Marty, if I buy you some wool,
would you knit something for me?"
Well, it could have been worse.
You could have been wearing
the hat she made for you.
DAPHNE:
Oh, dear.
Would you take that off him?
He just looks so pathetic.
DAPHNE:
Oh, come here, you poor little fella.
- What's in the box?
- Oh, nothing.
Just some old stuff
I was taking down to the storage bin.
- Great. Why don't you take this with it.
- Yeah, just set that on top.
No, no, it'll fall off if I do.
Hey, this is my stuff.
- It's a box of junk.
- It's not junk.
Oh, rubbish. It's a bunch of useless
gadgets you haven't used in years.
Like this remote control
to God knows what. Useless.
Just like this, whatever it is.
That's a Steam Master 2000,
like on TV. "Live life wrinkle-free."
It even comes with an attachment
that cooks Chinese vegetables.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
It's Niles. I'm taking him to lunch
to get his mind off his troubles.
- Something we shouldn't talk about?
- No reason we shouldn't talk about it.
I don't think he's ready
to talk about it, so we're not.
NILES: Would you mind not talking
about it a little less loudly?
FRASIER: Niles.
- Afternoon, all.
- Hello, Dr Crane.
- Hi, Niles.
I appreciate your concern, but I'm
really doing quite well with all of this.
- Everything's gonna be fine.
MARTIN: That's good.
I just hope you got a good
divorce lawyer.
You've been married a long time,
you gotta make sure
you get your fair share.
Well, according to the terms
of our prenuptial agreement,
I believe I'm wearing my fair share.
Well, take a tip from your old man.
You get over there
and take possession
of your personal belongings before
they box them up and toss them out.
When will you just admit
that this junk belongs in a dustbin?
You know, I was on a case once
where the wife constantly nagged
the husband like this. "You never
put anything in the garbage.
Why don't you put anything
in the garbage?"
- Well, he should've listened to her.
- He did. That's where we found her.
You know, I think Daphne's fighting an
uphill battle with this project of hers.
- What's that?
- It's a journal.
Look at this.
Isn't that Mother's handwriting?
These must be notes
from one of her research projects.
"It's hard to imagine two male siblings
who could be more different
than Frasier and Niles."
Good heavens, it's about us.
"Though both are highly intelligent,
Frasier is clearly
the more dominant of the two,
while Niles remains
extremely passive." Fascinating.
"Frasier never seems to get
enough at mealtime.
He's nearly twice the size of Niles,
and often,
when he thinks I'm not looking,
steals his brother's food."
"What Niles lacks in assertiveness,
he makes up for
in an abnormally fussy
grooming regimen."
"Frasier is exhibiting
clearly antisocial tendencies.
In fact, he is extremely
uncomfortable with touch,
seeming to recoil
from all human contact."
Where does it say that?
All right, I added "extremely,"
but it's right there.
Good Lord.
This cuts rather close to the bone.
Just yesterday Roz was accusing me
of the same thing.
I always thought it was just
an aversion to social hugging,
but apparently
it goes deeper than that.
You know, maybe this is something
I should work on. What do you think?
Niles.
"April 3rd. Niles remains
as docile as ever.
He constantly allows himself
to be cowed and dominated,
especially by females."
Well, you shouldn't let that upset you.
You've broken that pattern.
You could've knuckled under and gone
grovelling back to Maris, but you didn't.
You know, Niles, I don't think
I've ever been more proud of you.
- Oh, Frasier, this is awful.
- Well, pardon me for trying.
I am new at it.
No, no, no, you don't understand.
I did go grovelling back.
What?
I sent the divorce papers
back unsigned,
along with a letter begging her
to take me back.
- Oh, Niles, you didn't.
- Of course I did.
You read the journal. It's who I am.
- Well, how did she respond?
- Well, she hasn't yet.
I just messengered it
to her this morning.
It's her spa day.
She won't be home until...
I still have time
to get that letter back.
- I'm going with you.
- You're a good brother.
This may be my last chance
to prove once and for all
that I'm not the sort of man who...
Whatever Mother said.
Constantly allows himself to be cowed
and dominated, especially by females.
- I might've known you'd memorize it.
- I'm sorry.
You're right, that was harsh.
Come here.
Oh, get away from me.
FRASIER: I'm still uneasy about this.
What if one of the servants sees us?
Lmpossible. They always use
Maris' spa day to play hooky.
I just hope she
hasn't changed the locks.
What do you know?
You know, this is sort of exciting.
Even as a child,
I always fancied I might make
a first-rate society cat burglar.
I think I'm right.
Yes. All it takes is stealth,
cunning and a key to the door.
The letter should be over here
with the rest of Maris' unopened mail.
Yeah, there it is. Let's go.
[DOGS BARKING]
Frasier, look, it's my puppies.
Oh, I've missed you.
Hello, Gestalt. Hello, Gerhardt.
Don't they look
just a bit agitated to you?
Well, that's because they're excited to
see the lord has returned to the manor.
Hello, boys.
Oh, my God. She hasn't changed
the locks, she changed the dogs.
- Maybe we can make it to the front.
- Right.
[DOGS BARKING]
[DOOR SLAMS]
- They're toying with us.
- What are we going to do?
Well, I guess we're just gonna
have to wait
until Lady Baskerville
comes back from the spa!
And explain our presence how?
I do see your point.
We have to find some way to distract
those beasts and make our escape.
Wait. Tuesday is Swedish
meatball night for the staff.
Cook always keeps them
in the refrigerator.
No, we can't feed them raw meat.
It'll stimulate their blood lust.
Listen. One of our old dogs used to
be spooked by thunderstorms.
The vet told us
half of one of Maris' green pills
would allow him to sleep safely
through the storm.
- You get the meat, I'll get the pills.
- Right. Wait.
What if Maris is out of pills?
[LAUGHING]
- Oh, I see.
- Thank you, Frasier, I needed that.
Niles, that's three meatballs in a row
right in the koi pond.
Stop trying to throw!
Just drop them.
You can drop straight, can't you?
- Was that a splat or a splash?
- A splat!
Do it again.
Excellent, they're eating it.
All right, that's enough.
Good boys. Yeah, that's right.
Eat hardy.
Oh, you missed one. Right over there
in the garden by the tulips.
Oh, there's a few more there
in the koi pond, next to the...
...sleeping koi.
Niles.
This painting here in the living room.
You've always had this?
NILES: The one of Maris
and me in the garden?
It was commissioned
on our third anniversary.
It must be a different painting.
This is Maris next to a really big tree.
No, there's no tree
in that painting. It's...
Oh, my God.
She's had me
completely painted out.
I don't think I can take
much more of this.
Well, in that case,
I wouldn't look too closely
at the face of that skunk
in the flowerbed.
Well, I suppose it's only fitting
that I be commemorated
in this household as a laughingstock.
She's always run
roughshod over me.
Look around. This entire room
is a monument to my spinelessness.
- How so?
- Well...
This Dresden shepherdess?
A peace offering I made to Maris
when I was foolish enough
to point out an extra syllable
in a haiku she'd written.
Choose another item. Anything.
- Oh, that candelabra.
- Louis Quatorze.
What better way to apologize
for the time I attempted
to grow a moustache?
I think you owe us all
a candelabra for that.
Niles, look, it seems to be working.
The dogs are getting drowsy.
You know, if just once Maris
had given in, in all those years,
I might think there was hope
for our marriage.
But she never budged an inch.
Even on those rare occasions
when I reported back to you
that I had prevailed...
- I knew.
- Yeah.
I don't know why I thought
I could convince her
with that couples-therapy idea.
Well...
I'm not going to be
her whipping boy anymore.
What are you doing?
I'm signing the divorce papers.
If she wants to initiate proceedings,
let's proceed.
Niles, you know I'll support any
decision you make, but are you sure?
Absolutely.
That's done.
Are you okay?
I will be.
Looks like the dogs are asleep.
Shall we go?
Oh, I don't know. You know, maybe
they're just playing possum with us.
Oh, frankly, I don't care.
After what I've just done, you think I'm
gonna let a couple dogs frighten me?
This is the last time
I'm leaving this house.
I'm going to walk through that door
with my head held high.
Good for you. I'm gonna run like hell
out the front door.
Wait up.
Now, the beauty of the Hot 'n' Foamy
is the ultra-quick heating action.
You just plug it in, and two minutes
later, presto. Guess what comes out.
Well, the obvious answer
would be shaving cream,
so I'll go with music.
You had a lot of sassy things
to say about my clothes steamer too.
But didn't those snow peas
taste delicious?
DAPHNE: Hello.
NILES: Hey.
- Where did you two slip off to?
- Oh, I just had some papers to sign.
- Thanks.
- Yes.
Niles has decided
to begin divorce proceedings.
- I'm sorry, Dr Crane.
- It's okay. I feel good about it.
Now, we thought it might be nice
to have a family dinner
this evening at Chez Shea,
so we stopped by to invite
the two of you to join us.
Oh, that would be nice.
I'll just go freshen up.
Yeah, sounds great.
And, Niles, I'm proud of you.
I know this isn't easy,
but in the long run,
I know you'll be happier.
I'm damn sure I will be.
Well, I can't believe it.
It's really over.
And if you choose,
you never have to see Maris again.
Oh, please. Half the time
I couldn't see her
when she was standing
right in front of me.
Oh, my.
- I can't breathe.
- Niles...
No, really, I can't breathe.
Frasier, I signed divorce papers.
What was I thinking?
God, you're not having
second thoughts.
I don't know. When I was
caught up in the adrenaline,
it all seemed fine,
but now in the clear light of day...
It's natural to feel a little shaky, but,
believe me, you made the right decision.
- How do I know that?
- Let's just check
what prompted us to it. Here.
"Niles is incapable
of asserting himself,
especially in front of females."
- Keep going. This is helping.
- "As I write this,
he lies staring out the window,
licking himself."
What?
"He's become so subservient lately
that when he finishes
grooming himself,
he often begins licking Frasier."
I have no memory of that.
"April 14th, the day
I've dreaded for weeks.
Frasier died this morning.
I never would've guessed
that my heart could ache so
over the death of my beloved
lab rat.
My only consolation is the knowledge
that I will soon give birth
to my first child."
Frasier...
...do you know what this means?
Our mother named us after rodents.
No, it means I have ended
my marriage to the woman I love
based on the case history
of a spineless rat.
- Oh, my God.
- Niles.
Maris has seen the papers.
It's too late to take it back.
- Your reasoning was still sound.
- My reasoning?
My reasoning was based on my
mother's obsession with vermin!
- What the hell's going on?
- Niles is just a bit distraught.
- Distraught? My life is over!
FRASIER: Niles, don't talk that way.
My God, man,
you've got to calm down.
All right, all right.
I'm gonna splash
some cold water on my face.
- Right. Right.
- Is he gonna be all right?
- I've never seen him like this.
FRASIER: Of course he'll be all right.
Niles, just remember
to keep breathing.
And, trust me, this is not the end!
Your life is not over.
Niles.
Niles!
[GUNSHOT]
Oh, my God.
Dr Crane, are you all right?
I'm fine.
Just a little hot...
...and foamy.
You know what must have happened?
My Hot 'n' Foamy must have exploded.
He was a detective, you know.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Excuse me.
Hello.
Yes, Maris.
You are?
You do?
You will? That's wonderful.
I'll be right over. Goodbye.
The divorce papers were a bluff.
When I signed them,
it completely threw her.
- She's willing to go into counselling.
- Niles, I'm so happy for you.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, Ni...
But before we close,
I'd like to invite you all
to join us here at KACL
in wishing a fond farewell
to our Happy Chef, Leo Pascale,
as he bubble-wraps his crepe pan
and heads south
towards sunny Santa Fe.
Leo, you stirred us
with your passion...
...melted us with your charm,
added spice to our lives.
Now, as you whisk yourself away...
...let's not say goodbye,
but rather tartare for now.
This is Dr Frasier Crane, KACL 780.
Well, at least you stopped short
of saying, "I'll be fricasseeing you."
You ready to go to Leo's party?
Oh, dear God,
there is nothing I detest more
than a KACL goodbye party.
They're all the same.
Twist-top wine and a bunch of people
standing around awkwardly,
trying to summon up some affection
for someone they hardly even know.
It always ends up
reeking of insincerity.
What are we gonna do, doc?
He's leaving us.
- Bulldog and Leo were tight.
- Well, Bulldog certainly is.
I love that guy, man.
He'd give me all his leftovers.
I warned Leo, you keep feeding him,
he'll keep coming back.
- Are you going to the party?
- Actually, I think I'm gonna pass.
Come on. Doc, you gotta at least
have a drink, give him a hug.
That is precisely
what I'm trying to avoid.
When did we become
a society of huggers?
Oh, we hug for everything nowadays.
I mean, "Hello." Hug.
"Congratulations." Hug.
"Nice haircut." Hug.
It's absurd.
I mean, if we want to express
some real emotion for someone,
- where is there left to go?
- I've had good luck
with the storage closet.
You know, I think you're
way too uptight about this.
No, no, no, I see the doc's point.
We all have different ways
of saying goodbye.
Me, I prefer this method.
Get out! Come on! I got a show to do.
Well, I think hugging
is very healthy.
I read somewhere
that if you have physical contact
on a regular basis,
it can actually extend your life.
Well, in that case,
you should outlive Styrofoam.
- Frasier, you made it.
- Well, Leo, you know I wouldn't miss
- saying goodbye to you for the world.
ROZ: We're gonna miss you so much.
We sure are. Oh, what the heck.
You have no idea
how hard this is for me.
FRASIER:
Thank you.
I must say, Niles,
that is a striking tie you're wearing.
Thank you. It was a gift from Maris.
She had it made for me
to commemorate the end
of that dreadful winter
she had her obesity scare.
FRASIER:
Oh, yes.
I remember her struggle
to lose that holiday pound.
NILES:
Yes.
After she'd restored her figure,
she had Yoshi set fire
to a hippopotamus topiary
she felt had taunted her.
Yeah.
Then, as a visual reminder
never to let herself go again,
she had this tie made for me out
of the legs of her fat pants. Thank you.
You know, I would think
wearing a tie that Maris gave you
might make you feel
a little bit melancholy.
On the contrary. I have
every reason to believe Maris and I
- may be on the road to reconciliation.
- Really?
- We met for lunch today.
- Mm-hm.
I told her I couldn't stand
being in separation limbo any more,
and unless she wanted
the marriage to end,
- we simply had to get into counselling.
- And she agreed?
Her exact words were
"I'll think about it,"
but I saw a twinkle
in her eye I have not seen
since the neighbour children
discovered our new electric fence.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- The foam is a tad listless today.
- Yes. I can tell without looking
they've got Chad
back on steamer duty.
You are good.
- Excuse me, Dr Niles Crane?
- I am.
- Here.
NILES: Oh.
Who's sending me this?
"Notice. Petition...
...for divorce."
- Sorry, man. Cool tie.
- I don't know what to say.
- Oh... It's all right.
Would have been nice if we'd given
therapy a try, but so be it.
It's little consolation,
but you're to be applauded
for how you're handling this.
A lesser man would panic.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
I'll get her back.
You have too much dignity
to let yourself beg.
Please give me my phone back.
Please. Please.
FRASIER:
Stop. Stop. Stop it!
Listen, I know you're upset now,
but remember
why you left Maris in the first place.
You were tired of grovelling.
Yes, but I'm rested now.
Fine.
Go ahead
and toddle on back to Maris.
Let her grind you under her boot heel
for another 12 years,
rob you of whatever self-respect
you've retained.
Then we can have
this conversation all over again!
- I was unhappy, wasn't I?
- You were miserable.
I'm sorry.
It's just a lot to take in.
Twelve years of my life, gone.
Oh, don't think of it as a loss,
but rather an opportunity for growth.
- It's not an ending, it's...
- Frasier.
No offence, but I'm familiar
with all the platitudes.
I've just been served divorce papers.
I need a little time to let it sink in.
If you don't mind, maybe we could
not talk about it for a while.
- Of course.
- Hi. Can I get you guys anything?
No, thank you.
We've already been served.
Sorry.
[DOOR HANDLE JOSTLING]
- Oh, you're back.
- Yeah, I never should have left.
The park was a disaster.
You remember that outfit Mrs Foster
knitted Eddie for Christmas?
Well, I bumped into her
in the lobby,
and she said she was gonna
be going to the park.
And I thought it would be rude
if I didn't at least have him
wear it one time, you know?
Eddie, get in here.
Look at the poor guy.
He's humiliated.
And then, of course,
she didn't even show up.
But you know who was there? Duke.
And two guys from the old precinct.
"Glad to see you've got something
to do, now that you're retired."
"Hey, Marty, if I buy you some wool,
would you knit something for me?"
Well, it could have been worse.
You could have been wearing
the hat she made for you.
DAPHNE:
Oh, dear.
Would you take that off him?
He just looks so pathetic.
DAPHNE:
Oh, come here, you poor little fella.
- What's in the box?
- Oh, nothing.
Just some old stuff
I was taking down to the storage bin.
- Great. Why don't you take this with it.
- Yeah, just set that on top.
No, no, it'll fall off if I do.
Hey, this is my stuff.
- It's a box of junk.
- It's not junk.
Oh, rubbish. It's a bunch of useless
gadgets you haven't used in years.
Like this remote control
to God knows what. Useless.
Just like this, whatever it is.
That's a Steam Master 2000,
like on TV. "Live life wrinkle-free."
It even comes with an attachment
that cooks Chinese vegetables.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
It's Niles. I'm taking him to lunch
to get his mind off his troubles.
- Something we shouldn't talk about?
- No reason we shouldn't talk about it.
I don't think he's ready
to talk about it, so we're not.
NILES: Would you mind not talking
about it a little less loudly?
FRASIER: Niles.
- Afternoon, all.
- Hello, Dr Crane.
- Hi, Niles.
I appreciate your concern, but I'm
really doing quite well with all of this.
- Everything's gonna be fine.
MARTIN: That's good.
I just hope you got a good
divorce lawyer.
You've been married a long time,
you gotta make sure
you get your fair share.
Well, according to the terms
of our prenuptial agreement,
I believe I'm wearing my fair share.
Well, take a tip from your old man.
You get over there
and take possession
of your personal belongings before
they box them up and toss them out.
When will you just admit
that this junk belongs in a dustbin?
You know, I was on a case once
where the wife constantly nagged
the husband like this. "You never
put anything in the garbage.
Why don't you put anything
in the garbage?"
- Well, he should've listened to her.
- He did. That's where we found her.
You know, I think Daphne's fighting an
uphill battle with this project of hers.
- What's that?
- It's a journal.
Look at this.
Isn't that Mother's handwriting?
These must be notes
from one of her research projects.
"It's hard to imagine two male siblings
who could be more different
than Frasier and Niles."
Good heavens, it's about us.
"Though both are highly intelligent,
Frasier is clearly
the more dominant of the two,
while Niles remains
extremely passive." Fascinating.
"Frasier never seems to get
enough at mealtime.
He's nearly twice the size of Niles,
and often,
when he thinks I'm not looking,
steals his brother's food."
"What Niles lacks in assertiveness,
he makes up for
in an abnormally fussy
grooming regimen."
"Frasier is exhibiting
clearly antisocial tendencies.
In fact, he is extremely
uncomfortable with touch,
seeming to recoil
from all human contact."
Where does it say that?
All right, I added "extremely,"
but it's right there.
Good Lord.
This cuts rather close to the bone.
Just yesterday Roz was accusing me
of the same thing.
I always thought it was just
an aversion to social hugging,
but apparently
it goes deeper than that.
You know, maybe this is something
I should work on. What do you think?
Niles.
"April 3rd. Niles remains
as docile as ever.
He constantly allows himself
to be cowed and dominated,
especially by females."
Well, you shouldn't let that upset you.
You've broken that pattern.
You could've knuckled under and gone
grovelling back to Maris, but you didn't.
You know, Niles, I don't think
I've ever been more proud of you.
- Oh, Frasier, this is awful.
- Well, pardon me for trying.
I am new at it.
No, no, no, you don't understand.
I did go grovelling back.
What?
I sent the divorce papers
back unsigned,
along with a letter begging her
to take me back.
- Oh, Niles, you didn't.
- Of course I did.
You read the journal. It's who I am.
- Well, how did she respond?
- Well, she hasn't yet.
I just messengered it
to her this morning.
It's her spa day.
She won't be home until...
I still have time
to get that letter back.
- I'm going with you.
- You're a good brother.
This may be my last chance
to prove once and for all
that I'm not the sort of man who...
Whatever Mother said.
Constantly allows himself to be cowed
and dominated, especially by females.
- I might've known you'd memorize it.
- I'm sorry.
You're right, that was harsh.
Come here.
Oh, get away from me.
FRASIER: I'm still uneasy about this.
What if one of the servants sees us?
Lmpossible. They always use
Maris' spa day to play hooky.
I just hope she
hasn't changed the locks.
What do you know?
You know, this is sort of exciting.
Even as a child,
I always fancied I might make
a first-rate society cat burglar.
I think I'm right.
Yes. All it takes is stealth,
cunning and a key to the door.
The letter should be over here
with the rest of Maris' unopened mail.
Yeah, there it is. Let's go.
[DOGS BARKING]
Frasier, look, it's my puppies.
Oh, I've missed you.
Hello, Gestalt. Hello, Gerhardt.
Don't they look
just a bit agitated to you?
Well, that's because they're excited to
see the lord has returned to the manor.
Hello, boys.
Oh, my God. She hasn't changed
the locks, she changed the dogs.
- Maybe we can make it to the front.
- Right.
[DOGS BARKING]
[DOOR SLAMS]
- They're toying with us.
- What are we going to do?
Well, I guess we're just gonna
have to wait
until Lady Baskerville
comes back from the spa!
And explain our presence how?
I do see your point.
We have to find some way to distract
those beasts and make our escape.
Wait. Tuesday is Swedish
meatball night for the staff.
Cook always keeps them
in the refrigerator.
No, we can't feed them raw meat.
It'll stimulate their blood lust.
Listen. One of our old dogs used to
be spooked by thunderstorms.
The vet told us
half of one of Maris' green pills
would allow him to sleep safely
through the storm.
- You get the meat, I'll get the pills.
- Right. Wait.
What if Maris is out of pills?
[LAUGHING]
- Oh, I see.
- Thank you, Frasier, I needed that.
Niles, that's three meatballs in a row
right in the koi pond.
Stop trying to throw!
Just drop them.
You can drop straight, can't you?
- Was that a splat or a splash?
- A splat!
Do it again.
Excellent, they're eating it.
All right, that's enough.
Good boys. Yeah, that's right.
Eat hardy.
Oh, you missed one. Right over there
in the garden by the tulips.
Oh, there's a few more there
in the koi pond, next to the...
...sleeping koi.
Niles.
This painting here in the living room.
You've always had this?
NILES: The one of Maris
and me in the garden?
It was commissioned
on our third anniversary.
It must be a different painting.
This is Maris next to a really big tree.
No, there's no tree
in that painting. It's...
Oh, my God.
She's had me
completely painted out.
I don't think I can take
much more of this.
Well, in that case,
I wouldn't look too closely
at the face of that skunk
in the flowerbed.
Well, I suppose it's only fitting
that I be commemorated
in this household as a laughingstock.
She's always run
roughshod over me.
Look around. This entire room
is a monument to my spinelessness.
- How so?
- Well...
This Dresden shepherdess?
A peace offering I made to Maris
when I was foolish enough
to point out an extra syllable
in a haiku she'd written.
Choose another item. Anything.
- Oh, that candelabra.
- Louis Quatorze.
What better way to apologize
for the time I attempted
to grow a moustache?
I think you owe us all
a candelabra for that.
Niles, look, it seems to be working.
The dogs are getting drowsy.
You know, if just once Maris
had given in, in all those years,
I might think there was hope
for our marriage.
But she never budged an inch.
Even on those rare occasions
when I reported back to you
that I had prevailed...
- I knew.
- Yeah.
I don't know why I thought
I could convince her
with that couples-therapy idea.
Well...
I'm not going to be
her whipping boy anymore.
What are you doing?
I'm signing the divorce papers.
If she wants to initiate proceedings,
let's proceed.
Niles, you know I'll support any
decision you make, but are you sure?
Absolutely.
That's done.
Are you okay?
I will be.
Looks like the dogs are asleep.
Shall we go?
Oh, I don't know. You know, maybe
they're just playing possum with us.
Oh, frankly, I don't care.
After what I've just done, you think I'm
gonna let a couple dogs frighten me?
This is the last time
I'm leaving this house.
I'm going to walk through that door
with my head held high.
Good for you. I'm gonna run like hell
out the front door.
Wait up.
Now, the beauty of the Hot 'n' Foamy
is the ultra-quick heating action.
You just plug it in, and two minutes
later, presto. Guess what comes out.
Well, the obvious answer
would be shaving cream,
so I'll go with music.
You had a lot of sassy things
to say about my clothes steamer too.
But didn't those snow peas
taste delicious?
DAPHNE: Hello.
NILES: Hey.
- Where did you two slip off to?
- Oh, I just had some papers to sign.
- Thanks.
- Yes.
Niles has decided
to begin divorce proceedings.
- I'm sorry, Dr Crane.
- It's okay. I feel good about it.
Now, we thought it might be nice
to have a family dinner
this evening at Chez Shea,
so we stopped by to invite
the two of you to join us.
Oh, that would be nice.
I'll just go freshen up.
Yeah, sounds great.
And, Niles, I'm proud of you.
I know this isn't easy,
but in the long run,
I know you'll be happier.
I'm damn sure I will be.
Well, I can't believe it.
It's really over.
And if you choose,
you never have to see Maris again.
Oh, please. Half the time
I couldn't see her
when she was standing
right in front of me.
Oh, my.
- I can't breathe.
- Niles...
No, really, I can't breathe.
Frasier, I signed divorce papers.
What was I thinking?
God, you're not having
second thoughts.
I don't know. When I was
caught up in the adrenaline,
it all seemed fine,
but now in the clear light of day...
It's natural to feel a little shaky, but,
believe me, you made the right decision.
- How do I know that?
- Let's just check
what prompted us to it. Here.
"Niles is incapable
of asserting himself,
especially in front of females."
- Keep going. This is helping.
- "As I write this,
he lies staring out the window,
licking himself."
What?
"He's become so subservient lately
that when he finishes
grooming himself,
he often begins licking Frasier."
I have no memory of that.
"April 14th, the day
I've dreaded for weeks.
Frasier died this morning.
I never would've guessed
that my heart could ache so
over the death of my beloved
lab rat.
My only consolation is the knowledge
that I will soon give birth
to my first child."
Frasier...
...do you know what this means?
Our mother named us after rodents.
No, it means I have ended
my marriage to the woman I love
based on the case history
of a spineless rat.
- Oh, my God.
- Niles.
Maris has seen the papers.
It's too late to take it back.
- Your reasoning was still sound.
- My reasoning?
My reasoning was based on my
mother's obsession with vermin!
- What the hell's going on?
- Niles is just a bit distraught.
- Distraught? My life is over!
FRASIER: Niles, don't talk that way.
My God, man,
you've got to calm down.
All right, all right.
I'm gonna splash
some cold water on my face.
- Right. Right.
- Is he gonna be all right?
- I've never seen him like this.
FRASIER: Of course he'll be all right.
Niles, just remember
to keep breathing.
And, trust me, this is not the end!
Your life is not over.
Niles.
Niles!
[GUNSHOT]
Oh, my God.
Dr Crane, are you all right?
I'm fine.
Just a little hot...
...and foamy.
You know what must have happened?
My Hot 'n' Foamy must have exploded.
He was a detective, you know.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Excuse me.
Hello.
Yes, Maris.
You are?
You do?
You will? That's wonderful.
I'll be right over. Goodbye.
The divorce papers were a bluff.
When I signed them,
it completely threw her.
- She's willing to go into counselling.
- Niles, I'm so happy for you.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, Ni...