Frasier (1993–2004): Season 4, Episode 21 - Are You Being Served? - full transcript

SHERRY: Morning, sunshine.
FRASIER: Morning, Sherry.

- Coffee's on. Want a cuppa?
FRASIER: No, thank you.

Caffeine only weakens the immune
system. I'm fighting off a flu.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Let me get you some breakfast.

- That's really not necessary.
SHERRY: No.

You'll feel much better
once you've had

my scrambled-egg tacos
and Spam patties.

In keeping with the trusty adage:
"Starve a cold, disgust a fever."

- Tea and dry toast?
- Oh, bless you.

- Oh, honey, I was using that.
- Oh, sorry.

Well, no problem.



Listen, why don't you just relax.
I'll clean up later.

You know, not to criticize,

but I usually serve Mr Crane
whole-grain cereal for breakfast.

- I try to avoid giving him fried foods.
- Oh, Marty loves fried foods.

Yes, well, just because
he likes something

doesn't mean it's good for him.

True. But just because
something's good for him

doesn't mean that he has to be
stuck with it day after day.

Oh, looks like it's gonna be
another scorcher.

Mm-hm.

Radio said high 90s.

- Yes, it's hot.
- Yeah.

Well, I guess there'll be
some more brownouts.

Hate to think what
it's gonna do to the crops.



- Dad, please, I'm trying to read.
- Oh, sure. Sorry. Yeah.

Oh, double homicide last night.

Yeah, with this heat wave,
though, I'm not surprised.

Yeah, wonder what started that.

Perhaps someone wouldn't stop
talking about the weather.

Hey, you might be right.
It's a real scorcher out there.

- Morning, handsome.
MARTIN: Oh, hey, hey.

Did I say that before?

Before and after.

Please, would you two spare me
the single entendre this morning?

I'm trying to avoid getting sick.

Well, there's nothing like
one of mama's big biscuits

if you're fighting something off.

Yes. I'm sure with good aim,
it could bring down an elk.

- How about you, sweetie?
- Just half of one for me.

Oh, come on.

It wouldn't hurt you
to put on a few pounds.

Men like to see a little
oomph in your walk-away.

Yeah, you ought to see them smile
when Sherry leaves the room.

I can imagine.

Now, you're so pretty.

I don't understand why men
aren't just buzzing around you.

Frasier? You're not seeing anybody.

Here you are, under the same roof,
both cute as corn.

- Why don't you...?
FRASIER: Just stop right there.

I'm trying to have a peaceful morning.
I do not want to be put on the spot,

and I do not want to eat
some bizarre concoction,

and I do not want to discuss
the weather.

I just wanna try to conserve energy,
sit here and enjoy my paper.

Sure, Fras.

[MOUTHING]

ROZ:
You idiot!

I'm gonna break every bone
in your fat little body!

BULLDOG: If you weren't a girl, and
I didn't like this, I'd be pounding you.

Bup, bup, bup!
Not another word!

- But he...
- But!

I don't care who did what to whom
or in what disgusting manner.

As we speak, hordes of viral Visigoths
are hurtling themselves

over the battlements of my immune
system, laying waste to my...

Oh, dear God, do you see
how weak I am?

I can't even finish
a simple Visigoth metaphor.

If you get sick,
don't go sneezing on everything.

The last time the Happy Chef
had a cold,

I was picking lettuce
off the mike for a week.

- You will not believe what...
- Roz, I meant what I said.

I simply cannot deal with other
people's problems today.

Well, good news for Mark
on line three,

whose wife is keeping a pumpkin
in a bassinet.

Hey, I know what'll make
you feel better.

My friend Lisa's having a singles' party.
I'm supposed to bring someone

I'm not interested in,
but who's a really good catch.

I need my rest. Even if I didn't,
I do not wanna be poked and prodded

by a bunch of desperate
alcohol-lubricated husband-hunters.

Oh, come on. It'll be fun.

- Cheryl from sales was asking.
- Cheryl?

The one who,
at the last company wedding,

hip-checked you into the ice sculpture in
a headlong rush to catch the bouquet?

That is not what happened.

She thought the bartender said,
"Last call."

Look, Roz, I'm not gonna fight
anymore, but I want you to know

you said a lot of things
that really hurt my feelings.

Fun is fun, but I'm not made of stone.

So I want you to know, as of
this moment, we work together,

but we are no longer friends.

- Wanna go to a party tonight?
- I'm there.

DAPHNE: Ready to do your exercises?
- No, in a minute.

- Just a couple more hands.
- You said that half an hour ago.

I must be a bad influence.

Yeah, next thing you know, you'll
have me smoking behind the gym.

I'm sorry, but it's for your own good.

I want you down on your back
in two minutes and no arguments.

Sounds a lot better when you say it.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Speaking.

Oh, she did, did she?

Well, Sherry was mistaken.

I don't go out with people
I've never met. Thank you anyway.

I can't believe it. You gave
my number to a total stranger!

I thought it'd be a nice surprise.
You're not seeing anybody.

Kenny is a great guy.

He said his name was Jack.

Oh, I forgot about Jack.

There's more than one?

I hope you're a lot nicer
to Kenny when he calls.

He has a boat.

Why don't you just squeeze me
into a pair of hot pants

and drop me off
down by the docks?

[MAN COUGHING]

Maybe you wouldn't be so touchy
if you didn't wake up

on the wrong side
of no one every morning.

That's your answer
to everything: Sex.

It's like you're part rabbit.

People ought to
rub your feet for luck.

You don't wanna say anything
you're gonna regret.

Now, you're acting
like a couple of fishwives.

See, I'm regretting that one already.

Maybe I'd be less touchy
if I hadn't spent

half the day cleaning up after you,

and the other half on the phone
with the garbage-disposal repairman

because one of your bloody
big biscuits broke the blade.

That's a lot of B words
for a little girl.

Here's one you forgot!

- Don't you dare.
- What do you mean, don't I dare?

[SHOUTING]

MARTIN:
Come on...

Is Seattle experiencing
a Prozac shortage?!

Daphne and Sherry
are having a little problem.

Actually, maybe you can settle it.

It was all I could do
to get through my show.

King Solomon has split
his last baby for the day.

My health is hanging by a thread.

[CHATTER]

FRASIER:
Bup, bup, bup!

You're just gonna have to settle this
amongst yourselves. Quietly.

You've got a lot of nerve
talking to me that way.

Me? You're the one who started it.
Didn't she, Martin?

- You're not putting me in this.
- I didn't start anything.

You've had your big conk
in my business all day!

- That better mean nose!
- And what if it doesn't?

- Oh!
- Hey, come on!

Knock it off!

Now, I said I didn't wanna get
involved in this, but...

Oh, Daphne, you know,
Sherry was only trying to be nice.

DAPHNE:
Of course you'd take her side.

She's the one who keeps your
hammertoes warm at night.

- What the hell's that mean?
- Well, figure it out.

Oh, come on, Daph...

[BABY CHIRPING]

[DOOR BUZZING]

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Baby, go to your perch.
Go to your perch.

Daphne.

I'm so sorry to bother you, Dr Crane,
but I had an awful row with Sherry,

and I can't go back there.

I tried a couple of my girlfriends,
but they weren't home.

So...

...may I spend the night here?

Relax, Dr Crane.

I'm just unbuttoning your shirt.

Are you feeling any better?

Yes.

I don't know what happened. My knees
never buckled like that before.

The wine and the heat
must have made me dizzy.

Yeah, it is rather steamy in here.

I apologize for the lack
of air conditioning.

It seems in order to live in
an exclusive landmark building,

one must be willing
to sweat through the odd heat wave

like a tortured character
in a Tennessee Williams play.

I can't imagine what you
must be thinking.

Me barging in,
asking to spend the night.

Well,

gee, I'm just thinking so many things.

Sherry just makes me so mad.

She's been giving
my number to strange men

so they'll call and ask me out.

How dare she.
Why would she do such a thing?

- Because she says I'm too rigid.
- Oh, nonsense.

- And that I'm too picky.
- Poppycock.

And that I'd be much happier if I just
went out and had sex with someone.

Just to play devil's advocate...

- Don't tell me you agree with her.
- No.

No, it's much too hot
for hell to have frozen over.

I mean, it's like caveman thinking.

"All Daphne needs
is a quick roll in the hay."

- Yes, well...
- "A little slap and tickle

would solve all her problems."

Yeah.

The worst part is...

...I think she might be right.

Maybe part of why
I got so mad at her...

...is because she hit a nerve.

That's very possible.

I mean, I've been keeping myself
on the shelf lately.

I'm feeling a little like the good china.

Someone should be eating
off you every day.

Music?

Lovely.

You know, I hope this doesn't sound
terribly forward, but...

Oh, I'm so hot.

I'd really love to get out
of these sweaty clothes.

Would it be all right
if I took a cool bath?

Yes, of course.

- It's upstairs. Third door on your left.
- Thank you.

There are fresh towels
in the linen closet.

Use the Indian cotton.
It'll be more gentle on your skin.

Oh, Dr Crane,
you're always thinking of me.

You have no idea.

DAPHNE: Dr Crane?
Oh, that fan feels good.

Oh, dear. Sorry about the fan.

- Oh, no. That's quite all right.
- There we go.

Thank you for lending me
your dressing gown.

Don't you just love the feel
of silk on your skin?

Oh, yes, there's nothing quite like it.

Passion fruit?

- Thank you.
- Here you are.

You know, if you keep treating me
like this, I'll never want to leave.

Champagne?

You shouldn't have.

I love champagne, but it's...
It's a drink for two,

and I never have anyone
to share it with.

Yes, there are things you miss
when you're on your own.

Champagne.

Another person's touch.

Even if it's just holding hands.

I guess you've been missing
that sort of thing too,

since you and Mrs Crane split up.

Actually, Maris never held hands.

She had a slight webbing.
It made her self-conscious.

DAPHNE:
Well...

...l'm sure there are other
intimacies you miss.

Well, naturally,

I still have a longing for...

- That is, I have a desire to have...
- Sex?

- Fruit?
- Pardon?

- I mean, yes, sex.
- I'd love some.

- I mean fruit.
- Fruit, yes.

- Although sex is good too.
- Oh, well...

I'm sorry, Dr Crane.

I guess I just have sex
on the mind tonight.

NILES:
Well...

Well, that happens.

This weather doesn't help, does it?

The heat gets inside you.

It makes you so aware of your body.

It's like nature's way...

...of letting you know
you're still an animal.

God, it's hot in here.

- Getting hotter every minute.
- Ice?

Oh, yes, I could use some right now.

Oh, yes.

That is better.

Where's your piece?

Melted.

I'll get another.

You know, unless it cools down,

I'm afraid we won't be getting
much sleep tonight.

Shame we have just the one fan.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

Yes, that is a shame.

The two of us and just one fan.

Well, of course, you're the host.
You take it.

No, no, no. I couldn't sleep at all

knowing you were
in the next room all hot and...

...hot.

Well,

I suppose under the circumstances,

we could both sleep
in the same room.

It does...

...oscillate.

- What?
- The fan.

[PAGER BEEPING]

- Oh, dear.
- What?

It's time to take my pills.
I forgot all about them.

- They're back at the apartment.
- What pills?

It's my thyroid. Nothing serious,
just a bit overactive.

If I don't take my pills,
I tend to faint dead away.

What's the point of having
a fainting couch if you can't use it?

I'll just run over and get them.
I'll come right back.

No.

We'll go together,
and I'll run up for you.

If you and Sherry get in
the same room you might make up...

...more reasons to fight
with one another.

MARTIN:
Well, you did the best you could.

SHERRY: I know, but I suppose I
shouldn't have gotten on her so hard.

MARTIN: She's trying to do stuff here.
SHERRY: I know.

MARTIN: It's true. That's right too.
We don't have much privacy either.

SHERRY: But I think Kenny
is the perfect person.

MARTIN:
Kenny would be great.

SHERRY:
Don't you think so? Nilesie!

- Where did you come from?
- What're you doing here?

Daphne's taking refuge at my apartment
for the night. I just stopped by

- to get a few of her things.
- Back.

You were just gonna
let us worry all night?

- I was gonna tell you on my way out.
MARTIN: This is stupid.

I'm gonna call her and get her
back here. We'll work this out.

It's a waste of time.
She's so upset, there's no way

she will ever set foot
in this apartment tonight.

If you don't believe me,
you can ask her yourself.

I just remembered, my pills aren't
in the cabinet. They're on the dresser.

What courage, pulling yourself
together. Just scurry to the car,

I'll only be a moment.

MARTIN:
Daphne.

Sherry and I talked,
and we really feel bad about this.

The whole thing is just
a misunderstanding.

If you want, I suppose we could
sit down and talk it out.

Well, I suppose we could.

NILES: Obviously, these two
wildcats can't come to terms.

The best thing will be
for them to be apart.

- I know. I'm a psychiatrist.
SHERRY: No, no, no.

Your dad is right.
Now, Daphne just misunderstood.

I didn't exactly misunderstand.

You did set me up
with a total stranger.

Oh, but he's not a stranger.
He comes in the bar all the time.

Oh, a barfly. Much better.

- Oh, there you go again.
- Me?!

You know, you two
are really a lot alike.

SHERRY: No, we're not!
- I am not like her!

SHERRY: How can you say that?
NILES: Talk amongst yourselves.

SHERRY:
I mean, all I was trying to do...

- He's probably an alcoholic!
- He is not an alcoholic.

You think I'd let you
go out with a...? Oh, honey...

DAPHNE:
A busybody, that's what you are.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

MARTIN:
Frasier?

I'm taking a bath.

Bubbles?

They're aroma-therapeutic.

And exactly what part of
"I'm taking a bath"

did you take to mean "Come on in"?

Well, I'm sorry to tax your
delicate system, but Daphne's back,

and she and Sherry are at again,

and now she says she's gonna stay
overnight with Niles,

and this is your department.

Unless blood has been spilled,
and on a carpeted area, I don't care.

- Now get out.
SHERRY: Oh, there you are.

Marty, I tried, but that girl
has no manners whatsoever.

- Hey, Frasier.
- Do you mind?!

I knew I'd find you in here.

Whatever they're telling you,
it's not true.

- Daphne, you can't come in here.
- Why not? She can.

No, she can't! No one can!

Frasier, have you no decency?
Daphne, let's go.

All right, I am moments away from
succumbing once and for all to this flu,

but I will take one stab at this, and then
I am going to sink hippopotamus-like

beneath the bubbles.

I think what this all comes down to
is a dispute over turf.

Daphne and Sherry are like two
animals scent-marking their territory,

which in this case is you, Dad.

You couldn't come up with a less
disgusting comparison?

All right, fine. It's like the Roman
Emperor Tiberius.

His mother, Livia, and wife, Vipsania.

- What?
- Huh?

- Who?
- Go on.

FRASIER:
All right.

Daphne, your primary role in this
household is to take care of Dad.

Sherry, you also enjoy
taking care of Dad.

I suspect that your attempts to find
Daphne a boyfriend are really

an unconscious ploy
to get her out of the way.

It's unconscious.

Daphne, actually,
you're threatened by this.

You feel that you're
no longer needed.

I have been feeling
a bit unwanted lately.

A night without your services will have
them singing a different tune. Let's go.

Yes, Niles, no one's gonna be singing
anything tonight, all right?

Daphne.

I think we now all understand why you
stormed out of here earlier.

A strong emotion like not feeling
wanted can drive anyone to a rash

and impulsive act.

Yes, it nearly did.

I mean, yes, it did.

Yes, well, at the root of this,

you're both just feeling insecure.

Exactly.

It very possibly could've been avoided
if Dad had been sensitive enough

to remind you that you're both
important in his life.

What're you saying,
that it's my fault?

Well, I must admit, a few reassuring
words might just have done the trick.

Marty does have difficulty
expressing his feelings.

No, I don't.

- Oh, Sherry...
- Oh, save it, honey.

- It wasn't our fault.
- Yes, it was!

You said that she was skinny,
and you said she was a bigmouth.

That is not important.

- We all feel better now.
- Well, I don't.

Well, all right, look,
I am running out of patience.

I am running out of strength.
And I'm running out of bubbles.

Please, the lecture has ended!

- You're a good psychiatrist, Dr Crane.
- You sure are, hon.

You see, Marty?
It isn't just a lot of hooey.

- Thank you very much.
- Oh.

Please, Niles. Look, unconsciously,
you knew that it wasn't right.

That's why you brought
Daphne back here.

No, we came back to fetch
her damn thyroid pills.

You're a doctor. Why didn't you just
use your prescription pad?

Oh, my God.

Isn't there an all-night pharmacy
across the street from your building?

NILES:
Oh, my God.