Frasier (1993–2004): Season 4, Episode 20 - Daphne Hates Sherry - full transcript

Morning, sunshine!

Morning, Sherry.

Coffee's on.

Want a cuppa?

No, thank you; caffeine only
weakens the immune system.

I'm fighting off a flu.

Oh!

I'm sorry. Let me get
you some breakfast.

No, no, that's
really not necessary.

Oh, no, no, you'll
feel much better

once you've had my
scrambled egg tacos



and Spam patties.

It's in keeping with
the trusty adage:

"Starve a cold,
disgust a fever."

Tea and dry toast?

Oh, bless you.

Ah, ah, ah, ah... ah!

Oh, honey, I was using that.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, well, no problem.

Listen, why don't
you just relax?

I'll clean up later.

You know, not to criticize

but I usually serve Mr. Crane

whole grain
cereal for breakfast.



I try to avoid giving
him fried foods.

Oh, Marty loves fried foods.

Yes, well, just because
he likes something

doesn't mean it's good for him.

True. But just because
something's good for him

doesn't mean that he has to
be stuck with it day after day.

Ooh, looks like it's going
to be another scorcher.

Mm-hmm.

Radio said high 90s.

Yes, it's hot.

Yeah, well, I guess there'll
be some more brownouts.

Hate to think of what it's
going to do to the crops.

Dad, please, I'm trying to read.

Oh, sure. Sorry. Yeah.

Oh, double homicide last night.

Yeah, with this
heat wave, though,

I'm not surprised.

Yeah, wonder what started that.

Perhaps someone
wouldn't stop talking

about the weather. Ah...

Yeah, you might be right.

It's a real scorcher out there.

Morning, handsome.

Oh... hey!

Did I say that before?

Before and after.

Please, would you two

spare me the single
entendres this morning?

I'm trying to
avoid getting sick.

Well, there's nothing like
one of Mama's big biscuits

if you're fighting
something off.

Yes. I'm sure with a good
aim, it could bring down an elk.

How about you, sweetie?

Oh, just half a one for me.

Oh, come on.

Wouldn't hurt you to
put on a few pounds.

Men like to see a little
oomph in your walkaway.

Yeah. You ought
to see them smile

when Sherry leaves the room.

I can imagine.

Oh, now, you're so pretty.

I don't understand

why men aren't just
buzzing around you.

Frasier...

you're not seeing anybody.

Here you are,
under the same roof

both cute as corn.

Why don't you...?

We-Well, just stop right there.

I'm trying to have
a peaceful morning.

I do not want to
be put on the spot.

I do not want to eat some
bizarre breakfast concoction.

And I do not want to
discuss the weather.

I just want to try
to conserve energy

sit here, and enjoy my paper.

Sure, Fras.

You idiot! I'm going
to break every bone

in your bent little body!

If you weren't
a girl and I didn't

kind of like this, I'd
be pounding you.

Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup!
Not another word!

But he...! Bup!

I don't care who
did what to whom

or in what disgusting manner.

As we speak,

hordes of viral Visigoths
are hurling themselves

over the battlements
of my immune system

laying waste to my...

Oh, dear God, do you
see how weak I am?

I can't even finish a
simple Visigoth metaphor.

Yeah, well, if you get sick
don't go sneezing on everything.

The last time the
Happy Chef had a cold,

I was picking lettuce
off the mic for a week.

You will not believe...

Bup-bup! Roz, I
meant what I said.

I simply cannot deal with
other people's problems today.

Well, good news
for Mark on line three

whose wife is keeping
a pumpkin in a bassinet.

Hey, I know what'll
make you feel better.

My friend Lisa's having
a singles party tonight.

I'm supposed to bring
someone I'm not interested in

but who's a really good catch.

Oh, Roz, please, I need my rest.

You know, even if I didn't,

I do not want to be
poked and prodded

by a bunch of desperate
alcohol-lubricated husband-hunters.

Oh, come on, it'll be fun.

Cheryl from sales was
asking if you'd be there.

Cheryl? Isn't she
the one Mm-hmm.

Who at the last company wedding
hip-checked you into the ice sculpture

in her headlong rush
to catch the bouquet?

That is not what happened.

She thought the
bartender said, "Last call."

Look, Roz, I'm not
going to fight anymore,

but I want you to know you said

a lot of things that
really hurt my feelings.

Fun is fun, but I'm
not made of stone.

So, I want you to know, as of
this moment, we work together

but we are no longer friends!

Want to go to a party tonight?

I'm there.

Ready to do your exercises?

Oh, in a minute.

Just a couple more hands.

You said that half an hour ago.

Guess I must be a bad influence.

Yeah, next thing you know

you're gonna have me
smoking behind the gym.

I'm sorry, but it's
for your own good.

I want you down on
your back in two minutes,

and no arguments.

Sounds a lot better
when you say it.

Hello.

Speaking.

Oh, she did, did she?

Well, Sherry was mistaken.

I don't go out with
people I've never met.

Thank you, anyway.

I can't believe it.

You gave my number
to a total stranger.

I thought it would
be a nice surprise.

You're not seeing anybody.

Kenny is a great guy.

He said his name was Jack.

Oh, I forgot about Jack.

There's more than one?

Well, I hope you're a lot nicer

to Kenny when he calls.

He has a boat. Yeah.

Why don't you just squeeze
me into a pair of hot pants

and drop me off
down by the docks?

Maybe you wouldn't be so
touchy if you didn't wake up

on the wrong side of
no one every morning.

That's your answer
to everything: sex.

It's like you're part rabbit.

People ought to
rub your feet for luck.

Come on, now.
You don't want to say

anything you're going to regret.

Now, you're acting like
a couple of fishwives.

See? I'm regretting
that one already.

Maybe I'd be less
touchy if I hadn't spent

half the day
cleaning up after you

and the other half on the phone

with the garbage
disposal repairman

because one of your bloody
big biscuits broke the blade.

That's a lot of "b"
words for a little girl.

Here's one you forgot...

Don't you dare! What do
you mean, don't I dare?

Is Seattle experiencing
a Prozac shortage?

Daphne and Sherry are
having a little problem.

Actually, maybe
you can settle it.

I'm sorry, Dad, it was all I
could do to get through my show.

King Solomon has split
his last baby for the day.

My health is
hanging by a thread.

But if you don't do it,

nobody will. Bup-bup-bup!

You're just going
to have to settle this

amongst yourselves... quietly.

You've got a lot of nerve
talking to me that way.

Me? You're the
one who started it.

Didn't she, Marty?

Hey, you're not putting me

in the middle of this.
I didn't start anything.

You've had your big conk
in my business all day.

That better mean "nose."

And what if it doesn't? Oh!

All right, come on!

Come on, knock it off!

Now, I said I didn't want
to get involved in this, but...

Now, Daphne, you know,
Sherry was only trying to be nice.

Of course you'd take her side.

She's the one who keeps
your hammertoes warm at night.

What the hell's that
supposed to mean?

Oh, figure it out.

Oh, come on, Daph.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Baby, go to your perch.

Go to your perch.

Daphne.

I'm so sorry to
bother you, Dr. Crane,

but I had an awful
row with Sherry

and I can't go back there.

I tried a couple
of my girlfriends

but they weren't home.

So... may I spend
the night here?

Relax, Dr. Crane.

I'm just unbuttoning your shirt.

Are you feeling any better?

I'm... yes.

I don't know what happened.

My knees never
buckled like that before.

The wine and the heat
must have made me dizzy.

It is rather steamy in here.

I apologize

for the lack of
air conditioning.

Seems in order to live in an
exclusive landmark building

one must be willing to sweat
through the odd heat wave

like a tortured character in a
Tennessee Williams... play.

I can't imagine what
you must be thinking.

Me barging in, asking
to spend the night.

Oh... gee, I'm just
thinking so many things.

Sherry just makes me so mad.

She's been giving my
number to strange men

so they'll call and ask me out.

How dare she?!

Why would she do such a thing?

Because she says I'm too rigid.

Oh, nonsense.

And that I'm too picky.

Poppycock!

And that I'd be much happier

if I just went out and
had sex with someone.

Just to play devil's advocate...

Don't tell me you
agree with her!

No, no, it's much too hot
for hell to have frozen over.

I mean, it's like
caveman thinking...

"All Daphne needs is
a quick roll in the hay."

Yes, well...

"A little slap and
tickle would solve

all her problems."

Yeah...

The worst part is...

I think she might be right.

Maybe part of why I
got so mad at her is...

because she hit a nerve.

That's very possible.

I mean, I've been keeping
myself on the shelf lately.

I'm feeling a little
like the good china.

Someone should be
eating off you every day.

Mmm...

music?

Lovely.

You know, I hope

this doesn't sound
terribly forward

but, oh, I'm so hot.

I'd really love to get out
of these sweaty clothes.

Would it be all right
if I took a cool bath?

Yes, of course.

Uh, i-it's upstairs.

Third door on your left.

Thank you.

There are fresh towels
in the linen closet.

Uh... use the Indian cotton.

It'll be more
gentle on your skin.

Oh, Dr. Crane, you're
always thinking of me.

You have no idea.

Dr. Crane? Ooh,
that fan feels good!

Ooh.

Oh!

Oh, dear.

Sorry about the fan. Oh, no!

That's quite all
right. Turn it off...

There we go...

Thanks for lending
me your dressing gown.

Don't you just love the
feel of silk on your skin?

Uh, yes, there's
nothing quite like it.

Passion fruit?

Thank you.

There you are. You
know, if you keep

treating me like this,
I'll never want to leave.

Champagne?

You shouldn't have.

I love champagne,
but it's a drink for two

and I... never have
anyone to share it with.

Yes, there are things you
miss when you're on your own.

Champagne, another
person's touch...

even if it's just holding hands.

I guess you've been
missing that sort of thing, too,

since you and
Mrs. Crane split up.

Actually, Maris
never held hands.

She had a slight webbing
that made her self-conscious.

Well...

I'm sure there are other
intimacies you miss.

U-uh... well...

naturally, I...

still have a longing for...

Have a desire...

to have, uh...

sex? Fruit?

Pardon?

I mean, yeah, sex.

I'd love some.

I mean fruit. Fruit, yes.

Although sex is good, too.

Oh, well... Oh...

I'm sorry, Dr. Crane.

I guess I just have
sex on the mind tonight.

Mmm.

Well, that happens.

And this weather
doesn't help, does it?

Oh...

the heat gets inside you

and makes you so
aware of your body.

It's like nature's way

of letting you know
you're still an animal.

Oh...

God, it's hot in here.

Getting hotter every minute.

Ice?

Oh, yes, I could
use some right now.

Oh...!

Oh, yes! Oh...

Oh, that's better.

Where's your piece?

Melted.

I'll get another.

Oh, you know,
unless it cools down

I'm afraid we won't be
getting much sleep tonight.

A shame we have
just the one fan.

Oh, really? Huh.

Yes, that is a shame.

The two of us, and just one fan.

Well, of course,
you're the host.

You take it.

No, no, no, I
couldn't sleep at all

knowing you were
in the next room

all... hot and...

hot.

Well... I suppose under
the circumstances...

we could both sleep
in the same room.

It does...

oscillate.

What?

The fan.

Oh.

Oh, dear.

What?

It's time to take my pills.

I forgot all about them.

They're back at the apartment.

What pills?

It's my thyroid.

Nothing serious.

Just a bit overactive.

If I don't take my pills, I
tend to faint dead away.

What's the point of
having a fainting couch

if you can't use
it once in a while?

I'll just run over and get them.

I'll come right back.

No!

We'll go together,
and I'll run up for you.

If you and Sherry get in
the same room together,

the two of you might make up...

more reasons to
fight with one another.

Well, you did the best
you could, you know.

You didn't mean any harm.

I know, but I suppose

I shouldn't have
gotten on her so hard,

but she just makes me so
angry. You were just trying

to do something
over here. I know.

Yeah, true. That's right, too.

We don't have
much privacy either.

But I think Kenny is the
perfect person for her.

Kenny'd be great!

Don't you think so?

Nilesie! Oh!

Where did you come from?

What are you doing here?

Daphne's taken refuge at
my apartment for the night.

I just stopped by to
get a few of her things.

Uh, back.

You weren't going to tell us? You
were just going to let us worry all night?

No, I was going to tell you

on my way out.
Oh, this is stupid.

I'm going to call her
and get her back here.

We're going to
work this thing all out.

Dad, that's a waste of time.
She's so upset there's no way

she will ever set foot
in this apartment tonight.

If you don't believe me,
you can ask her yourself.

I just remembered... my pills
aren't in the medicine cabinet.

They're on the dresser.

What courage, pulling
yourself together like this.

Just scurry on down to the
car, and I'll only be a moment...

Uh, Daphne, uh...
Sherry and I talked,

and we really
feel bad about this.

You know, the whole thing
is just a misunderstanding.

If you want, I suppose we
could sit down and talk it out.

Well, I suppose we could.

Obviously, these two
wildcats can't come to terms.

The best thing will be
for them to be apart.

I know. I'm a psychiatrist.

No, no, no,

your dad is right.

Now, Daphne just misunderstood.

I didn't exactly misunderstand.

You did set me up
with a total stranger.

Oh, but he's not a stranger.

He comes in the
bar all the time.

Oh, a barfly.

Much better.

Oh, there you go again!

Me?! You know, you know,

you two are really a lot alike.

I am nothing like her... Marty,
how can you say such...?

Talk amongst yourselves.

I mean all I was
trying to do was...

He's probably an alcoholic,
he's probably married...

He's not an alcoholic! Oh!

You think I would let you
go out with an alcoholic?

You're a busybody, that's what
you are! Oh, honey, honey...

MARTIN: Frasier?!

I'm taking a bath.

Bubbles?!

They're aromatherapeutic.

And exactly what part
of "I'm taking a bath"

did you take to
mean "Come on in?"

Well, I'm sorry to tax
your delicate system,

but Daphne's back,
and she and Sherry

are at it again,
and now, she says

she's going to stay
overnight with Niles.

And I don't know what to do,
and this is your department.

All right, unless blood
has been spilled...

And on a carpeted area...
I don't care. Now get out!

Oh, there you are.

Marty, I tried,

but that girl has no manners

whatsoever.

Hey, Frasier.

Do you mind?!

I knew I'd find you in here.

Whatever they're telling
you, about me, it's not true!

Daphne, please, you
can't come in here!

Why not?! She can.

No, she can't! No one can!

Frasier, have you no
decency? Daphne, let's go.

All right! I am moments
away from succumbing

once and for all to this flu.

But I will take
one stab at this,

and then I am going to
sink, hippopotamus-like

beneath the bubbles.

I think what this
all comes down to

is a dispute over turf.

Daphne and Sherry
are like two animals

scent-marking their territory

which, in this
case, is you, Dad.

You couldn't come up with

a less disgusting comparison?
All right, all right, fine.

It's like the Roman
emperor Tiberius

his mother, Livia,
and his wife, Vipsania.

What? Huh?

Oh, boy. Who?

Go on.

All right.

Daphne...

your primary role
in this household

is to take care of Dad.

Sherry, you also enjoy

taking care of Dad.

I suspect that your

attempts to find
Daphne a boyfriend

are really an unconscious
ploy to get her out of the way.

It's unconscious.

Daphne, actually,
you're threatened by this.

You feel that you're
no longer needed.

I have been feeling
a bit unwanted lately.

Well, a night
without your services

will have them singing
a different tune. Let's go.

Yes, Niles, no one
is going to be singing

anything tonight, all right?

Daphne...

I think we now all understand

why you stormed
out of here earlier.

A strong emotion
like not feeling wanted

can drive anyone to a
rash and impulsive act.

Yes, it nearly did. Hmm.

I mean, yes, it did.

Yes, well, at the root of this

you're both just
feeling insecure.

Exactly!

Which very possibly
could have been avoided

if Dad had been sensitive
enough to remind you

that you're both
important in his life.

What are you saying,
that it's my fault?

Well, I must admit, a
few reassuring words

might just have done the trick.

Marty does have difficulty
expressing his feelings.

No, I don't!

You know, Sherry...

Aw, save it, honey.

It wasn't our fault.

Yes, it was!

You said that she was skinny,

and you said she
was big-mouthed.

All right, that
is not important.

We all feel better now.

Well, I don't! FRASIER: Well...

All right, look, I am
running out of patience,

I am running out of strength,
and I am running out of bubbles.

Please, the lecture has ended.

You're a good
psychiatrist, Dr. Crane.

You sure are, hon.

You see, Marty, it
isn't just a lot of hooey.

Thank you very much.

Oh...!

Please, Niles.

Look, unconsciously, you
knew that it wasn't right.

That's why you brought
Daphne back here.

No, we came back to
fetch her damn thyroid pills.

You're a doctor.

Why didn't you just use
your prescription pad?

Oh, my God!

Isn't there an
all-night pharmacy

across the street
from your building?

Oh, my God!

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Mercy ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Good night, everybody!