Frasier (1993–2004): Season 3, Episode 9 - Frasier Grinch - full transcript
On Christmas Eve, Frasier learns that the shipment of educational toys he ordered for his son, Frederick (guest star Luke Tarsitano), has been delayed. Frasier and Niles must then go where neither man has ever gone before - a shopping mall - in search of toys to put under the tree. Meanwhile, Niles announces that his estranged wife, Maris, has cut off his funds, and Martin proves his style of decorating for the holidays is lovely and cosy.
AH, NILES.
HELLO.
IS IT ME OR ARE THE SIDEWALK
SANTAS GETTING PUSHY?
WELL, TOMORROW IS CHRISTMAS.
I SUPPOSE THEY
MIGHT BE ANTICIPATING
A CERTAIN DOWNTURN AFTER THAT.
CAPPUCCINO, PLEASE.
SO, WHEN DOES FREDERICK ARRIVE?
IN SIX HOURS AND 21 MINUTES.
NOT THAT I'M THE
LEAST BIT EXCITED.
I'M SURE HE'S EXCITED, TOO.
FIRST CHRISTMAS AT DADDY'S.
I IMAGINE HE HAS VISIONS OF
SUGARPLUMS DANCING THROUGH HIS HEAD.
LILITH DOESN'T ALLOW SWEETS.
HE'S PROBABLY GOT
VISIONS OF BRAN.
WELL, I'VE GOT MY OWN
REASON TO CELEBRATE.
MARIS AND I MAY BE TOGETHER
AGAIN BY THE NEW YEAR.
OH, REALLY, NILES?
I CALLED TO ARRANGE THE
DELIVERY OF HER CHRISTMAS GIFTS.
SHE SAID THE ONLY GIFT SHE'D
ACCEPT WAS AN ABJECT APOLOGY.
GONNA CAVE INTO HER?
AU CONTRAIRE. I TOLD HER I
WAS NOT ABOUT TO APOLOGIZE.
FROM THAT POINT ON,
THE RESPECT IN HER VOICE
CAME THROUGH LOUD AND CLEAR.
NO SMALL FEAT CONSIDERING
SHE WAS SPEAKING AT THE TIME
THROUGH THE HOLE
IN HER MASSAGE TABLE.
OH, HI, ROZ.
HEY, DOUBLE ESPRESSO, PLEASE.
THIS LAST-MINUTE CHRISTMAS
SHOPPING IS KILLING ME.
I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO
GIVE THE MEN IN MY LIFE.
SINCE WHEN?
HA HA. FUNNY MAN.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS.
THANK YOU, NILES.
SO, WHAT'S NEW, NILES?
I HAD BEEN KEEPING
IT UNDER WRAPS BUT...
MARIS AND I HAVE SEPARATED.
OH, MY GOD! I HAD NO IDEA.
I CAN'T BELIEVE NO ONE TOLD ME.
THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE.
THAT'S ENOUGH, TALLULAH.
YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE.
I'M SORRY, SIR. YOUR
CARD DIDN'T CLEAR.
I HAVE TO DO THIS.
WAIT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THE COMPUTER SAID
CREDIT CANCELED
BY ORDER OF COSIGNATORY.
MARIS HAS CANCELED
YOUR CREDIT CARD.
WHOA. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
WOULD YOU CARE TO
USE A DIFFERENT ONE?
THERE'S NO POINT.
THEY'RE ALL IN HER NAME.
I'M CALLING HER AND DEMANDING
THE RESTORATION
OF MY CREDIT CARDS
AND MY BANK ACCOUNTS...
AND MY PHONE SERVICE.
[MAN] I'M AT THE AIRPORT.
I'M HAVING TROUBLE
GETTING ON THE PLANE.
STATISTICS PROVE WE'RE SAFER
IN THE AIR THAN ON THE GROUND.
THAT'S NOT IT.
I'M SUPPOSED TO FLY HOME
TO NEWARK FOR CHRISTMAS
BUT THE NEXT GATE OVER
HAS A FLIGHT TO MAUI.
IT'S CALLING TO ME, DOC.
WHY ARE YOU HESITANT TO GO HOME?
BECAUSE IT'S THE
SAME THING EVERY YEAR.
I TRAVEL 3,000 MILES
TO SIT DOWN AT THE
DINNER TABLE WITH MY FAMILY
AND WHAT DO WE TALK ABOUT?
WHAT'S GOING ON
IN OUR LIVES? NO.
OUR HOPES AND DREAMS?
NO, WE TALK ABOUT THE TURKEY.
"BOY, THAT'S QUITE A BIRD."
"24-POUNDER."
"WHAT TIME DID YOU GET
UP TO PUT THAT IN THE OVEN?"
"OH, BOY, THAT'S MOIST.
YOU MUST HAVE BEEN
BASTING THAT BIRD ALL DAY."
"ARE THOSE WALNUTS
IN THE STUFFING?"
"OH, GOD, I FORGOT TO
PUT THE ROLLS IN THE OVEN."
I GUESS WHAT I'M
TRYING TO SAY, BOB
IS THAT WE'RE ALL IN
THE SAME GRAVY BOAT.
BUT THE IMPORTANT THING
IS THAT WE SPEND TIME
WITH OUR LOVED ONES.
JUST THINK HOW YOU'D FEEL IF
YOU WOKE UP TOMORROW MORNING
6,000 MILES AWAY FROM YOUR HOME.
WOW, THAT REALLY PUTS
IT IN PERSPECTIVE, DOC.
I GOT A PLANE TO CATCH.
MELE KALIKI MAKA, BOB.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
AFTER THESE MESSAGES.
ROZ, WHAT DID THEY SAY?
FREDERICK'S FLIGHT IS ON TIME.
HE'LL BE HERE IN LESS
THAN THREE HOURS.
OH, AND THE FLORIST CALLED.
YOU CAN PICK UP YOUR WREATH.
EVERY YEAR DAD PUTS
THAT KITSCHY CREATURE
WITH THE RED LIGHT
BULB NOSE ON THE DOOR.
HEY, GREAT PARTY.
BEST ONE EVER, THANKS TO ME.
I HIRED A STRIPPER.
DOC, YOU WILL NEVER
GUESS WHAT HER NAME IS.
CANDY CANE.
WHAT ARE THE ODDS?
UNBELIEVABLE.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE
NOT YET SAMPLED THE PUNCH
HERE IS MY CAPSULE REVIEW.
VILE BOUQUET
UNWHOLESOME COLOR, GHASTLY TASTE
AND A KICK THAT
IS SIMPLY HEAVEN.
OKAY, 30 SECONDS, FRASIER.
OUT, OUT, PLEASE.
HEY, ROZ
YOU KNOW WHAT'S OVER MY HEAD?
ALMOST ANY CLEVER REMARK?
WHAT SHE MEAN BY THAT?
OUT.
LISTEN, I KNOW YOU'VE
GOT A PLANE TO CATCH
AND THE TRAFFIC TO THE
AIRPORT IS PROBABLY VERY BAD,
SO IN THE SPIRIT OF
THE CHRISTMAS SEASON
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE OFF EARLY.
YOU'RE READING ONE OF YOUR
INSPIRATIONAL CHRISTMAS FABLES AGAIN.
YES, AND IT WILL BE EASIER
WITHOUT YOU THERE STICKING
YOUR FINGER IN YOUR THROAT.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, ROZ.
SAY HI TO FREDERICK.
SAY HI TO YOUR MOM. WILL DO.
HI, WE'RE BACK.
AS MOST OF MY
FAITHFUL LISTENERS KNOW
EVERY YEAR I COMPOSE A PARABLE
THAT I HOPE WILL ILLUMINATE
THE SPIRIT OF THE
CHRISTMAS SEASON.
SO WITHOUT ANY FURTHER ADO
I GIVE YOU
THE STORY OF OLAF, THE
LONELY LITTLE GOATHERD.
[GOATS BLEATING]
ONCE UPON A TIME, LONG AGO
THERE LIVED A LONELY
LITTLE GOATHERD.
HE HAD NO FAMILY
AND NO PLAYTHINGS
SO TO AMUSE HIMSELF ONE DAY
HE CARVED A LITTLE WOODEN FLUTE
A FLUTE WHICH HE USED TO PLAY
DURING THE LONG, LONELY EVENINGS
AND THE TUNE IT MADE WAS LOVELY.
ALL THE PEOPLE IN
THE VILLAGE BELOW
COULD HEAR THE PURE,
GLORIOUS SOUND...
NOTHING YOU CAN DO IS
GOING TO DISTRACT ME.
ONE DAY, THE SON OF A WEALTHY
MERCHANT HEARD THE MUSIC
AND WHILE THAT BOY HAD
ALL THE TOYS IN THE WORLD
HE WAS JEALOUS OF THIS
LITTLE GOATHERD'S FLUTE.
SO ONE DARK...[BLOWS] NIGHT...
ONE DARK...[BLOWS] WINDY NIGHT
THE MERCHANT'S SON STOLE
HIS PRECIOUS INSTRUMENT.
BUT WHEN HE TOOK THAT FLUTE HOME
HE COULDN'T MAKE IT PLAY
SO HE SMASHED THE FLUTE TO BITS.
WHEN THE LITTLE GOATHERD
CAME DOWN THE MOUNTAIN
THE NEXT MORNING AND
SAW HIS FLUTE WAS BROKEN...
YIKES!
HE... HE MIGHT HAVE SAID THAT
BUT INSTEAD HE FORGAVE
THE MERCHANT'S SON.
AND THE WEALTHY MERCHANT
ADOPTED THE LITTLE GOATHERD
AND... OH, MAMA!
HE SAID UPON MEETING
THE MERCHANT'S WIFE.
AND SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY
HE LEARNED THE TRUE
MEANING OF CHRISTMAS.
THIS IS DR. FRASIER CRANE
WISHING YOU A TRULY BLESSED
AND FORGIVING HOLIDAY.
THERE, NOW YOU SEE?
NICE TRY.
MS. CANE'S DELIGHTFUL
PERFORMANCE ASIDE
THIS JUST PROVES THAT THE POWER
OF MY MESSAGE CANNOT BE STAYED.
FOR GOD'S SAKE!
WHAT AM I, A ROBOT?
AND TO ALL, A GOOD NIGHT.
OH.
HI, DAD. UH...
I...
I'M GOING TO PUT THIS WREATH UP.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH RUDOLPH?
WELL, DAD, I JUST THINK
THAT CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS
SHOULD BE UNDERSTATED
AND TASTEFUL.
I CAN'T EVEN HAVE
ONE THING THAT I WANT.
DAD, I'M SORRY, BUT IF
I GAVE YOU ONE THING
GOD KNOWS WHERE IT MIGHT LEAD.
OH, GOD.
IT'S MY CHILDHOOD
CHRISTMASES ALL OVER AGAIN.
ONLY NOW MOM ISN'T
HERE TO SAY, "SHUT UP.
YOU'LL HURT HIS FEELINGS."
OH, DON'T BE SUCH A GRINCH.
HO HO HO.
[CHORTLING] IT WORKS
WHEN YOU STEP ON THE MAT.
HO HO HO.
IT CAN SAY, "HO HO
HO," "MERRY CHRISTMAS"
OR "HAPPY HOLIDAYS."
I HOPE IT CAN SAY "GERONIMO"
'CAUSE I'M GOING TO
THROW HIM OFF THE BALCONY.
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK.
IT'S NOT FOR YOU,
IT'S FOR FREDERICK.
GOD, I SUPPOSE
YOU'RE RIGHT, DAD.
I USED TO LOVE THIS
STUFF WHEN I WAS SIX.
BY THE TIME I WAS SEVEN I
STARTED TO HAVE QUESTIONS.
WHEN I WAS EIGHT, I STARTED SPENDING
A LOT MORE TIME AT THE BERNSTEIN'S.
WELL, I'M OFF TO
JOE'S PARENT'S HOUSE.
I SEE YOU'VE BEEN
BUSY IN THE KITCHEN.
YEAH. I'M BRINGING GRAMMY
MOON'S FAMOUS PLUM DUFF.
IT'S A STILL FLOUR PUDDING
BOILED IN A CLOTH BAG.
WHO GETS TO LICK THE BAG?
NO, YOU SEE, GRAMMY MOON
HAD A SECRET INGREDIENT.
SHE'D SOAK IT FOR HOURS IN RUM
THEN IGNITE IT IN
A BLINDING FLASH.
SO WHEN SHE CAME
OUT OF THE KITCHEN
WITH NO EYEBROWS WE
KNEW DESSERT WAS READY.
YOU KNOW, TO THIS DAY
THE SMELL OF BURNING HAIR
PUTS ME IN THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT.
WELL, BYE. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
SOMEONE WILL HAVE TO GO
DOWN TO THE STOREROOM.
THERE'S STILL SOMETHING
MISSING. YOU MUST BE KIDDING.
THIS PLACE COULDN'T
LOOK ANY MORE LUDICROUS.
[DOORBELL]
ONCE I SAW HOW THOSE HAIRS
ON HIS CHIN LOOKED LIKE A BEARD
THE REST OF THE IDEA
JUST FELL INTO PLACE.
NILES. HELLO, FRASIER. I...
I KNOW, I KNOW. SHUT UP.
WE'LL HURT HIS FEELINGS.
SO, NILES
DID YOU HAVE A
DISCUSSION WITH MARIS?
NO. BUT... I HAD AN EPIPHANY.
I REALIZED CUTTING OFF MY FUNDS
IS MARIS'S WAY OF
SAYING, "I LOVE YOU."
SHE ALWAYS USES MONEY
TO GET WHAT SHE WANTS.
ERGO, THIS IS PROOF
SHE WANTS ME BACK.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
HO HO HO.
I THINK SANTA
SAID IT ALL FOR US.
DAD, YOU HAVE TO GET OUT MORE.
YOU'VE STARTED
DOING OLD-LADY THINGS.
IT'S FOR FREDERICK.
OH, OF COURSE IT IS.
I DON'T WANT TO IMPOSE,
BUT MAY I RIDE WITH YOU
TO THE AIRPORT TO
PICK UP FREDERICK?
OF COURSE YOU MAY, NILES.
I JUST HAVE TO WRAP
UP HIS PRESENTS FIRST.
WHAT DID YOU GET FREDDY?
WELL, ACTUALLY, DAD
I ORDERED FROM THE TOY CATALOG
FROM THE SPECIAL SECTION
CALLED "GIFTS FOR THE GIFTED."
I GOT HIM THE JUNIOR
ASTRONOMER SET
AND THE GEOLOGY LAB...
OH, AND A FABULOUS THING
CALLED THE LIVING BRAIN.
YOU GET TO PAINT EACH
LOBE A DIFFERENT COLOR
THEN YOU STUFF IT
INSIDE THE LIVING SKULL.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT
KIDS REALLY LIKE?
THEY'VE BEEN ADVERTISING
IT LIKE CRAZY ON TV.
IT'S GREAT... THE OUTLAW
LASER ROBO-GEEK.
ITS HEAD LIGHTS UP AND IT SHOOTS
DEATH RAYS OUT OF ITS EYES.
YEAH, A LITTLE LIKE THAT.
LISTEN, DAD, I THINK I KNOW
WHAT FREDERICK LIKES.
HE'S PRECOCIOUS. HE
NEEDS TO BE CHALLENGED.
OH, CHALLENGE HIM
THE OTHER 364 DAYS.
ONE DAY OUT OF THE
YEAR INDULGE HIM.
LET HIM BE A KID.
DAD, I'M SORRY. IF FRED
IS ANYTHING LIKE ME
THE KIND OF TOYS
HE'LL LIKE ARE...
KITCHEN SET, A DOLLHOUSE
AND THREE KINDS OF BARBIES.
OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS FOR A FRANKLIN
CRANE FROM KENNEBUNKPORT.
OH! DO YOU REALIZE
WHAT THIS MEANS?
YES. THE CRANES OF MAINE
HAVE GOT YOUR LIVING BRAIN.
NO.
WELL...
IT MEANS I DON'T HAVE
ANYTHING FOR FREDDY.
I WANTED EVERYTHING
TO BE SO PERFECT.
NOW HE'S GOING TO HAVE
A HORRIBLE CHRISTMAS.
THERE'S A BIG TOY
STORE IN THE MALL.
THEY'RE OPEN LATE TONIGHT.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.
OH, GOD, IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE
THE GIFTS I ORDERED
ARE 3,000 MILES AWAY
AND ON TOP OF IT ALL, I
HAVE TO GO TO A MALL.
HO HO HO.
DON'T LOOK AT ME. HE SAID IT.
NILES, CUSTOMERS ARE
MARAUDING THROUGH HERE
LIKE A PACK OF FERAL DOGS.
THAT WOMAN PRACTICALLY KNOCKED
ME OVER NEAR THE ESCALATOR.
HOW ABOUT THE WOMAN
NEAR THE COSMETICS COUNTER
WHO TRIED TO MACE ME?
THAT WAS A COLOGNE SAMPLE,
NILES. THAT'S WHAT THEY DO.
WE'VE GOT FIVE MINUTES.
WE'VE GOT TO FIND A SALES CLERK.
OH, WELL, GOOD LUCK.
WE'VE GOT TO FIND
SOMETHING OURSELVES, I GUESS.
HEY, THIS LOOKS AMUSING.
WE'RE LOOKING FOR
SOMETHING EDUCATIONAL.
OH, OH, OH, OH, IT HAS BUTTONS.
WHAT'S IT DOING?
IT'S FLASHING.
NILES, FREDDY TESTED IN
THE HIGHEST PERCENTILE
FOR COGNITIVE SKILLS
AND DEDUCTIVE REASONING.
WHAT'S IT DOING NOW?
IT'S BEEPING, FOR GOD'S SAKE
AND AS MUCH AS I WOULD
LIKE TO INFLICT THIS ON LILITH
I'M LOOKING FOR FAST
AND EDUCATIONAL.
[LAUGHING]
I WONDER WHAT ELSE IT DOES.
LET'S SEE IF IT
PROTECTS YOUR HEAD!
OOH! HERE'S SOMETHING.
LOOK AT THIS, LOOK AT THIS.
OH, GOD.
IT'S CALLED "ECTO-GOO."
OH, WELL, THAT SOUNDS
VAGUELY SCIENTIFIC, BUT...
WHAT COULD HE POSSIBLY
LEARN FROM THAT?
FOR STARTERS, HE CAN LEARN NEVER
TO WEAR ARMANI TO A TOY STORE.
I JUST HAVE TO REMEMBER WHAT
I ORDERED FROM THE CATALOG.
FIRST, A LIVING BRAIN.
LIVING BRAIN?
WHAT KIND OF DORK WANTS THAT?
WITH ANY LUCK, THE KIND OF DORK
WHO'LL BE OPERATING ON
YOUR PROSTATE SOMEDAY.
FRASIER, FRASIER, FRASIER.
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK. THERE IT IS.
IT'S UP ON THAT SHELF.
OH, LORD, IT'S
COVERED WITH DUST.
THEIR BRAIN IS DUSTY.
COULD THERE BE A
CLEARER METAPHOR?
OH, LORD, THERE...
THERE'S NOTHING IN IT.
OH, CAN I HAVE IT?
IT'S AN EMPTY BOX.
BUT I CAN PUT MY
SON'S ROBO-GEEK IN IT.
YOU KNOW HOW SCARED HE'LL
BE WHEN HE THINKS HE'S GETTING
SOMETHING THIS NERDY?
[NERVOUS CHUCKLES]
OH, GOD, THIS IS HOPELESS.
WE'LL NEVER FIND
ANYTHING FOR FREDERICK.
FRASIER, JUST GIVE HIM A CHECK.
YOU CAN'T GIVE A
CHECK TO A CHILD.
THAT'S WHAT I'M GIVING HIM.
IT HAS A STAGECOACH ON IT.
NILES, MARIS CANCELED
YOUR ACCOUNT.
DAMN.
OH, LOOK!
LOOK AT THAT MAN'S BAG.
"YOUNG MINDS."
SIR, EXCUSE ME, IS
THIS STORE IN THE MALL?
YEAH.
AND IT'S EDUCATIONAL TOYS?
MM-HMM. IT'S JUST A
COUPLE OF DOORS DOWN.
YES! VIRGINIA, THERE
IS A SANTA CLAUS!
UH, NO, THEY CLOSED
A HALF HOUR AGO.
OH, DAMN.
DAMN IT. LOOK, THIS IS PERFECT.
LOOK, IT'S A... CHEMISTRY LAB
AND A PICTURE PUZZLE, AND...
MY SON COMES IN IN A HALF AN
HOUR AND I HAVE NOTHING FOR HIM.
HE'LL BE IN IN 22 MINUTES
IF HE PICKS UP A TAILWIND.
YOU REALLY NEED THIS, DON'T YOU?
OH, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
IT WOULD SAVE MY LIFE.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
SEEING AS HOW IT'S CHRISTMAS...
OH, GOD BLESS YOU, SIR.
A THOUSAND BUCKS.
WHAT? A...
A THOUSAND BUCKS?
HEY, TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.
THERE'S JUST NO MORE THAN
$100 WORTH OF THINGS HERE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WE'RE BEGINNING OUR DESCENT
INTO THE SEATTLE AIRPORT.
I'M TRYING TO DO YOU A
FAVOR. WELL, IT'S SOME FAVOR.
PLEASE MAKE SURE YOUR
TRAY TABLES AND SEAT BACKS
ARE IN THEIR UPRIGHT
POSITIONS. SHUT UP, NILES.
LET'S SEE WHAT I'VE GOT HERE.
I'VE GOT, UH...
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I'VE GOT, UH...
HERE'S $300.
WOULD YOU ACCEPT
A PERSONAL CHECK
FOR THE REST?
HEY. IT'S CHRISTMAS.
OH, BLESS YOU, BLESS YOU.
VERY WELL. THANK YOU.
NILES, GIVE THE MAN A CHECK.
WHERE'S FREDDY?
PUTTING ON HIS PAJAMAS.
TOLD HIM HE COULD COME IN
AFTER HE BRUSHES HIS TEETH.
SO, HOW'D YOU DO?
I DIDN'T GET EXACTLY
WHAT I'D ORDERED
BUT I THINK I DID ALL RIGHT.
I GOT HIM A MICROSCOPE
AND A CHEMISTRY SET
AND A 5,000-PIECE PUZZLE
OF THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA.
WELL, MAYBE HE'LL HAVE
FUN WITH THE BOXES.
DAD, HERE YOU GO.
THIS IS THE LAST BOX
FROM THE STOREROOM.
NOW, IS THIS WHAT
YOU WERE LOOKING FOR?
OH, YEAH!
SANTA'S LEGS FOR THE CHIMNEY.
YOU REMEMBER THESE BABIES?
OH, YES. THEY INSPIRED SOME
SPECTACULAR CHRISTMAS NIGHTMARES
THE YEAR I FOUND
THEM UNDER YOUR BED.
FRASIER, ISN'T THIS
THE SMOKING JACKET
YOU GAVE DAD A FEW YEARS BACK?
WHAT? HEY, WH...
HOW'D THAT GET IN THERE?
DAD? THESE ARE ALL
THE GIFTS I'VE GIVEN YOU
FOR THE LAST SIX YEARS.
HEY, COME ON, NOW, SHUT THIS...
CLOSE THE BOX UP, WILL YOU?
THEY'RE STILL IN
THE ORIGINAL BOXES.
NEVER EVEN BEEN
WORN. SURE THEY HAVE.
YEAH. THIS ONE STILL
HAS THE TAGS ON IT.
THIS ISN'T THE CONVERSATION WE
SHOULD HAVE ON CHRISTMAS EVE.
NO, DAD? WELL, WHAT
WAS IT YOU WANT TO SAY?
YOU'RE ALWAYS
GIVING PEOPLE THINGS
THAT YOU THINK THEY SHOULD LIKE
INSTEAD OF THINGS
THAT THEY REALLY LIKE.
I MEAN, COME ON.
IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE,
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ME
WEAR ANYTHING LIKE THAT?
WELL, NO. I THOUGHT
YOU MIGHT LIKE A CHANGE.
WELL, IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU
WERE A KID, REMEMBER?
I WANTED YOU TO LOVE BASEBALL.
I WANTED TO GET YOU A BAT AND
GLOVE, EVERYTHING, FOR CHRISTMAS
BUT YOU HAD YOUR MIND SET ON A
MICROSCOPE, SO THAT'S WHAT I GOT YOU.
THEN WHEN DAD TOOK US TO A GAME
YOU SPENT THE WHOLE TIME
LOOKING FOR RODENT HAIRS
IN YOUR HOT DOG.
CHRISTMAS ISN'T THE TIME THAT
YOU TRY TO MOLD SOMEBODY
WHICH IS WHAT YOU'RE
TRYING TO DO WITH FREDERICK.
I KNOW WHAT'S GOOD
FOR MY OWN SON.
I BRUSHED MY TEETH, DADDY.
OH, THAT'S MY BOY.
COME ON.
BONSOIR, UNCLE NILES.
ET TOI AUSSI.
YOU BETTER GET TO SLEEP
OR SANTA WON'T COME.
OKAY. I KNOW JUST WHAT SANTA'S
BRINGING ME THIS YEAR, DAD.
I'LL BET YOU DON'T.
YES, I DO TOO. IT'S AN
OUTLAW LASER ROBO-GEEK.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT?
BECAUSE I ASKED SANTA
FOR IT IN MY LETTER.
THEY ARE SO COOL!
WELL, UH, LISTEN, UH, FREDERICK
THERE'S, UH... WHERE
ARE YOU GOING?
I'M GONNA MAKE MYSELF
GO TO SLEEP RIGHT AWAY
SO THE NEXT THING I
KNOW, IT'LL BE MORNING.
GOOD NIGHT, DADDY.
I'LL COME TUCK YOU IN.
GOOD NIGHT, GRANDPA.
GOOD NIGHT, UNCLE NILES.
GOOD NIGHT, FREDERICK.
I'M GOING TO GO HOME
AND GO TO BED TOO.
I HOPE AUNT MARIS
COMES OUT OF HER COMA.
HE ASKED WHERE SHE WAS.
I THOUGHT THE TRUTH
WOULD JUST UPSET HIM.
I'LL SEE YOU IN THE
MORNING. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
WELL, THIS IS TURNING OUT
TO BE QUITE A CHRISTMAS.
OH, IT'S GOING TO BE FINE.
DONE IT AGAIN.
GOTTEN EVERYBODY
THE WRONG GIFTS.
WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME?
YOU MAY AS WELL
OPEN YOUR GIFT NOW.
NO REASON FOR EVERYBODY
TO BE DISAPPOINTED TOMORROW.
HEY, I'M SURE I'M GONNA LOVE IT.
I DOUBT IT.
IT'S NOT EXACTLY MY NIGHT.
HEY, A ROBE!
GREAT! I LOVE IT!
OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
IT'S NOT A ROBE.
IT'S A DRESSING GOWN.
NOEL COWARD WOULD
LOVE IT, BUT IT'S NOT YOU.
HEY, I LOVE NOEL COWARD!
DAD, YOU'RE OVERCOMPENSATING.
YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE
ARE HARD TO BUY FOR.
YOU KNOW, YOU ARE TOO. I
NEVER KNOW WHAT TO GET YOU.
YEAH.
HERE.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL OPEN THIS NOW.
YEAH, I GUESS IT WAS
EASIER WHEN I WAS SMALL.
KIDS ALWAYS KNOW WHAT
THEY WANT, DON'T THEY?
YEAH, IT'S ROUGH FOR ADULTS.
OH, DAD...
MERRY CHRISTMAS, SON.
HOW'D YOU KNOW IT
WAS JUST WHAT I WANTED?
MY VERY OWN OUTLAW
LASER ROBO-GEEK.
OH, DAD.
OH, OH, LISTEN, ARE THE
BATTERIES INCLUDED?
IN THE BOX.
OH, DAD!
[CHUCKLING]
[CAPTIONING SPONSORED BY
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION, NBC]
[CAPTIONED BY THE CAPTION CENTER
WGBH EDUCATIONAL FOUNDATION]
HELLO.
IS IT ME OR ARE THE SIDEWALK
SANTAS GETTING PUSHY?
WELL, TOMORROW IS CHRISTMAS.
I SUPPOSE THEY
MIGHT BE ANTICIPATING
A CERTAIN DOWNTURN AFTER THAT.
CAPPUCCINO, PLEASE.
SO, WHEN DOES FREDERICK ARRIVE?
IN SIX HOURS AND 21 MINUTES.
NOT THAT I'M THE
LEAST BIT EXCITED.
I'M SURE HE'S EXCITED, TOO.
FIRST CHRISTMAS AT DADDY'S.
I IMAGINE HE HAS VISIONS OF
SUGARPLUMS DANCING THROUGH HIS HEAD.
LILITH DOESN'T ALLOW SWEETS.
HE'S PROBABLY GOT
VISIONS OF BRAN.
WELL, I'VE GOT MY OWN
REASON TO CELEBRATE.
MARIS AND I MAY BE TOGETHER
AGAIN BY THE NEW YEAR.
OH, REALLY, NILES?
I CALLED TO ARRANGE THE
DELIVERY OF HER CHRISTMAS GIFTS.
SHE SAID THE ONLY GIFT SHE'D
ACCEPT WAS AN ABJECT APOLOGY.
GONNA CAVE INTO HER?
AU CONTRAIRE. I TOLD HER I
WAS NOT ABOUT TO APOLOGIZE.
FROM THAT POINT ON,
THE RESPECT IN HER VOICE
CAME THROUGH LOUD AND CLEAR.
NO SMALL FEAT CONSIDERING
SHE WAS SPEAKING AT THE TIME
THROUGH THE HOLE
IN HER MASSAGE TABLE.
OH, HI, ROZ.
HEY, DOUBLE ESPRESSO, PLEASE.
THIS LAST-MINUTE CHRISTMAS
SHOPPING IS KILLING ME.
I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO
GIVE THE MEN IN MY LIFE.
SINCE WHEN?
HA HA. FUNNY MAN.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS.
THANK YOU, NILES.
SO, WHAT'S NEW, NILES?
I HAD BEEN KEEPING
IT UNDER WRAPS BUT...
MARIS AND I HAVE SEPARATED.
OH, MY GOD! I HAD NO IDEA.
I CAN'T BELIEVE NO ONE TOLD ME.
THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE.
THAT'S ENOUGH, TALLULAH.
YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE.
I'M SORRY, SIR. YOUR
CARD DIDN'T CLEAR.
I HAVE TO DO THIS.
WAIT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
THE COMPUTER SAID
CREDIT CANCELED
BY ORDER OF COSIGNATORY.
MARIS HAS CANCELED
YOUR CREDIT CARD.
WHOA. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
WOULD YOU CARE TO
USE A DIFFERENT ONE?
THERE'S NO POINT.
THEY'RE ALL IN HER NAME.
I'M CALLING HER AND DEMANDING
THE RESTORATION
OF MY CREDIT CARDS
AND MY BANK ACCOUNTS...
AND MY PHONE SERVICE.
[MAN] I'M AT THE AIRPORT.
I'M HAVING TROUBLE
GETTING ON THE PLANE.
STATISTICS PROVE WE'RE SAFER
IN THE AIR THAN ON THE GROUND.
THAT'S NOT IT.
I'M SUPPOSED TO FLY HOME
TO NEWARK FOR CHRISTMAS
BUT THE NEXT GATE OVER
HAS A FLIGHT TO MAUI.
IT'S CALLING TO ME, DOC.
WHY ARE YOU HESITANT TO GO HOME?
BECAUSE IT'S THE
SAME THING EVERY YEAR.
I TRAVEL 3,000 MILES
TO SIT DOWN AT THE
DINNER TABLE WITH MY FAMILY
AND WHAT DO WE TALK ABOUT?
WHAT'S GOING ON
IN OUR LIVES? NO.
OUR HOPES AND DREAMS?
NO, WE TALK ABOUT THE TURKEY.
"BOY, THAT'S QUITE A BIRD."
"24-POUNDER."
"WHAT TIME DID YOU GET
UP TO PUT THAT IN THE OVEN?"
"OH, BOY, THAT'S MOIST.
YOU MUST HAVE BEEN
BASTING THAT BIRD ALL DAY."
"ARE THOSE WALNUTS
IN THE STUFFING?"
"OH, GOD, I FORGOT TO
PUT THE ROLLS IN THE OVEN."
I GUESS WHAT I'M
TRYING TO SAY, BOB
IS THAT WE'RE ALL IN
THE SAME GRAVY BOAT.
BUT THE IMPORTANT THING
IS THAT WE SPEND TIME
WITH OUR LOVED ONES.
JUST THINK HOW YOU'D FEEL IF
YOU WOKE UP TOMORROW MORNING
6,000 MILES AWAY FROM YOUR HOME.
WOW, THAT REALLY PUTS
IT IN PERSPECTIVE, DOC.
I GOT A PLANE TO CATCH.
MELE KALIKI MAKA, BOB.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
AFTER THESE MESSAGES.
ROZ, WHAT DID THEY SAY?
FREDERICK'S FLIGHT IS ON TIME.
HE'LL BE HERE IN LESS
THAN THREE HOURS.
OH, AND THE FLORIST CALLED.
YOU CAN PICK UP YOUR WREATH.
EVERY YEAR DAD PUTS
THAT KITSCHY CREATURE
WITH THE RED LIGHT
BULB NOSE ON THE DOOR.
HEY, GREAT PARTY.
BEST ONE EVER, THANKS TO ME.
I HIRED A STRIPPER.
DOC, YOU WILL NEVER
GUESS WHAT HER NAME IS.
CANDY CANE.
WHAT ARE THE ODDS?
UNBELIEVABLE.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE
NOT YET SAMPLED THE PUNCH
HERE IS MY CAPSULE REVIEW.
VILE BOUQUET
UNWHOLESOME COLOR, GHASTLY TASTE
AND A KICK THAT
IS SIMPLY HEAVEN.
OKAY, 30 SECONDS, FRASIER.
OUT, OUT, PLEASE.
HEY, ROZ
YOU KNOW WHAT'S OVER MY HEAD?
ALMOST ANY CLEVER REMARK?
WHAT SHE MEAN BY THAT?
OUT.
LISTEN, I KNOW YOU'VE
GOT A PLANE TO CATCH
AND THE TRAFFIC TO THE
AIRPORT IS PROBABLY VERY BAD,
SO IN THE SPIRIT OF
THE CHRISTMAS SEASON
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE OFF EARLY.
YOU'RE READING ONE OF YOUR
INSPIRATIONAL CHRISTMAS FABLES AGAIN.
YES, AND IT WILL BE EASIER
WITHOUT YOU THERE STICKING
YOUR FINGER IN YOUR THROAT.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, ROZ.
SAY HI TO FREDERICK.
SAY HI TO YOUR MOM. WILL DO.
HI, WE'RE BACK.
AS MOST OF MY
FAITHFUL LISTENERS KNOW
EVERY YEAR I COMPOSE A PARABLE
THAT I HOPE WILL ILLUMINATE
THE SPIRIT OF THE
CHRISTMAS SEASON.
SO WITHOUT ANY FURTHER ADO
I GIVE YOU
THE STORY OF OLAF, THE
LONELY LITTLE GOATHERD.
[GOATS BLEATING]
ONCE UPON A TIME, LONG AGO
THERE LIVED A LONELY
LITTLE GOATHERD.
HE HAD NO FAMILY
AND NO PLAYTHINGS
SO TO AMUSE HIMSELF ONE DAY
HE CARVED A LITTLE WOODEN FLUTE
A FLUTE WHICH HE USED TO PLAY
DURING THE LONG, LONELY EVENINGS
AND THE TUNE IT MADE WAS LOVELY.
ALL THE PEOPLE IN
THE VILLAGE BELOW
COULD HEAR THE PURE,
GLORIOUS SOUND...
NOTHING YOU CAN DO IS
GOING TO DISTRACT ME.
ONE DAY, THE SON OF A WEALTHY
MERCHANT HEARD THE MUSIC
AND WHILE THAT BOY HAD
ALL THE TOYS IN THE WORLD
HE WAS JEALOUS OF THIS
LITTLE GOATHERD'S FLUTE.
SO ONE DARK...[BLOWS] NIGHT...
ONE DARK...[BLOWS] WINDY NIGHT
THE MERCHANT'S SON STOLE
HIS PRECIOUS INSTRUMENT.
BUT WHEN HE TOOK THAT FLUTE HOME
HE COULDN'T MAKE IT PLAY
SO HE SMASHED THE FLUTE TO BITS.
WHEN THE LITTLE GOATHERD
CAME DOWN THE MOUNTAIN
THE NEXT MORNING AND
SAW HIS FLUTE WAS BROKEN...
YIKES!
HE... HE MIGHT HAVE SAID THAT
BUT INSTEAD HE FORGAVE
THE MERCHANT'S SON.
AND THE WEALTHY MERCHANT
ADOPTED THE LITTLE GOATHERD
AND... OH, MAMA!
HE SAID UPON MEETING
THE MERCHANT'S WIFE.
AND SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY
HE LEARNED THE TRUE
MEANING OF CHRISTMAS.
THIS IS DR. FRASIER CRANE
WISHING YOU A TRULY BLESSED
AND FORGIVING HOLIDAY.
THERE, NOW YOU SEE?
NICE TRY.
MS. CANE'S DELIGHTFUL
PERFORMANCE ASIDE
THIS JUST PROVES THAT THE POWER
OF MY MESSAGE CANNOT BE STAYED.
FOR GOD'S SAKE!
WHAT AM I, A ROBOT?
AND TO ALL, A GOOD NIGHT.
OH.
HI, DAD. UH...
I...
I'M GOING TO PUT THIS WREATH UP.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH RUDOLPH?
WELL, DAD, I JUST THINK
THAT CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS
SHOULD BE UNDERSTATED
AND TASTEFUL.
I CAN'T EVEN HAVE
ONE THING THAT I WANT.
DAD, I'M SORRY, BUT IF
I GAVE YOU ONE THING
GOD KNOWS WHERE IT MIGHT LEAD.
OH, GOD.
IT'S MY CHILDHOOD
CHRISTMASES ALL OVER AGAIN.
ONLY NOW MOM ISN'T
HERE TO SAY, "SHUT UP.
YOU'LL HURT HIS FEELINGS."
OH, DON'T BE SUCH A GRINCH.
HO HO HO.
[CHORTLING] IT WORKS
WHEN YOU STEP ON THE MAT.
HO HO HO.
IT CAN SAY, "HO HO
HO," "MERRY CHRISTMAS"
OR "HAPPY HOLIDAYS."
I HOPE IT CAN SAY "GERONIMO"
'CAUSE I'M GOING TO
THROW HIM OFF THE BALCONY.
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK.
IT'S NOT FOR YOU,
IT'S FOR FREDERICK.
GOD, I SUPPOSE
YOU'RE RIGHT, DAD.
I USED TO LOVE THIS
STUFF WHEN I WAS SIX.
BY THE TIME I WAS SEVEN I
STARTED TO HAVE QUESTIONS.
WHEN I WAS EIGHT, I STARTED SPENDING
A LOT MORE TIME AT THE BERNSTEIN'S.
WELL, I'M OFF TO
JOE'S PARENT'S HOUSE.
I SEE YOU'VE BEEN
BUSY IN THE KITCHEN.
YEAH. I'M BRINGING GRAMMY
MOON'S FAMOUS PLUM DUFF.
IT'S A STILL FLOUR PUDDING
BOILED IN A CLOTH BAG.
WHO GETS TO LICK THE BAG?
NO, YOU SEE, GRAMMY MOON
HAD A SECRET INGREDIENT.
SHE'D SOAK IT FOR HOURS IN RUM
THEN IGNITE IT IN
A BLINDING FLASH.
SO WHEN SHE CAME
OUT OF THE KITCHEN
WITH NO EYEBROWS WE
KNEW DESSERT WAS READY.
YOU KNOW, TO THIS DAY
THE SMELL OF BURNING HAIR
PUTS ME IN THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT.
WELL, BYE. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
SOMEONE WILL HAVE TO GO
DOWN TO THE STOREROOM.
THERE'S STILL SOMETHING
MISSING. YOU MUST BE KIDDING.
THIS PLACE COULDN'T
LOOK ANY MORE LUDICROUS.
[DOORBELL]
ONCE I SAW HOW THOSE HAIRS
ON HIS CHIN LOOKED LIKE A BEARD
THE REST OF THE IDEA
JUST FELL INTO PLACE.
NILES. HELLO, FRASIER. I...
I KNOW, I KNOW. SHUT UP.
WE'LL HURT HIS FEELINGS.
SO, NILES
DID YOU HAVE A
DISCUSSION WITH MARIS?
NO. BUT... I HAD AN EPIPHANY.
I REALIZED CUTTING OFF MY FUNDS
IS MARIS'S WAY OF
SAYING, "I LOVE YOU."
SHE ALWAYS USES MONEY
TO GET WHAT SHE WANTS.
ERGO, THIS IS PROOF
SHE WANTS ME BACK.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
HO HO HO.
I THINK SANTA
SAID IT ALL FOR US.
DAD, YOU HAVE TO GET OUT MORE.
YOU'VE STARTED
DOING OLD-LADY THINGS.
IT'S FOR FREDERICK.
OH, OF COURSE IT IS.
I DON'T WANT TO IMPOSE,
BUT MAY I RIDE WITH YOU
TO THE AIRPORT TO
PICK UP FREDERICK?
OF COURSE YOU MAY, NILES.
I JUST HAVE TO WRAP
UP HIS PRESENTS FIRST.
WHAT DID YOU GET FREDDY?
WELL, ACTUALLY, DAD
I ORDERED FROM THE TOY CATALOG
FROM THE SPECIAL SECTION
CALLED "GIFTS FOR THE GIFTED."
I GOT HIM THE JUNIOR
ASTRONOMER SET
AND THE GEOLOGY LAB...
OH, AND A FABULOUS THING
CALLED THE LIVING BRAIN.
YOU GET TO PAINT EACH
LOBE A DIFFERENT COLOR
THEN YOU STUFF IT
INSIDE THE LIVING SKULL.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT
KIDS REALLY LIKE?
THEY'VE BEEN ADVERTISING
IT LIKE CRAZY ON TV.
IT'S GREAT... THE OUTLAW
LASER ROBO-GEEK.
ITS HEAD LIGHTS UP AND IT SHOOTS
DEATH RAYS OUT OF ITS EYES.
YEAH, A LITTLE LIKE THAT.
LISTEN, DAD, I THINK I KNOW
WHAT FREDERICK LIKES.
HE'S PRECOCIOUS. HE
NEEDS TO BE CHALLENGED.
OH, CHALLENGE HIM
THE OTHER 364 DAYS.
ONE DAY OUT OF THE
YEAR INDULGE HIM.
LET HIM BE A KID.
DAD, I'M SORRY. IF FRED
IS ANYTHING LIKE ME
THE KIND OF TOYS
HE'LL LIKE ARE...
KITCHEN SET, A DOLLHOUSE
AND THREE KINDS OF BARBIES.
OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS FOR A FRANKLIN
CRANE FROM KENNEBUNKPORT.
OH! DO YOU REALIZE
WHAT THIS MEANS?
YES. THE CRANES OF MAINE
HAVE GOT YOUR LIVING BRAIN.
NO.
WELL...
IT MEANS I DON'T HAVE
ANYTHING FOR FREDDY.
I WANTED EVERYTHING
TO BE SO PERFECT.
NOW HE'S GOING TO HAVE
A HORRIBLE CHRISTMAS.
THERE'S A BIG TOY
STORE IN THE MALL.
THEY'RE OPEN LATE TONIGHT.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.
OH, GOD, IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE
THE GIFTS I ORDERED
ARE 3,000 MILES AWAY
AND ON TOP OF IT ALL, I
HAVE TO GO TO A MALL.
HO HO HO.
DON'T LOOK AT ME. HE SAID IT.
NILES, CUSTOMERS ARE
MARAUDING THROUGH HERE
LIKE A PACK OF FERAL DOGS.
THAT WOMAN PRACTICALLY KNOCKED
ME OVER NEAR THE ESCALATOR.
HOW ABOUT THE WOMAN
NEAR THE COSMETICS COUNTER
WHO TRIED TO MACE ME?
THAT WAS A COLOGNE SAMPLE,
NILES. THAT'S WHAT THEY DO.
WE'VE GOT FIVE MINUTES.
WE'VE GOT TO FIND A SALES CLERK.
OH, WELL, GOOD LUCK.
WE'VE GOT TO FIND
SOMETHING OURSELVES, I GUESS.
HEY, THIS LOOKS AMUSING.
WE'RE LOOKING FOR
SOMETHING EDUCATIONAL.
OH, OH, OH, OH, IT HAS BUTTONS.
WHAT'S IT DOING?
IT'S FLASHING.
NILES, FREDDY TESTED IN
THE HIGHEST PERCENTILE
FOR COGNITIVE SKILLS
AND DEDUCTIVE REASONING.
WHAT'S IT DOING NOW?
IT'S BEEPING, FOR GOD'S SAKE
AND AS MUCH AS I WOULD
LIKE TO INFLICT THIS ON LILITH
I'M LOOKING FOR FAST
AND EDUCATIONAL.
[LAUGHING]
I WONDER WHAT ELSE IT DOES.
LET'S SEE IF IT
PROTECTS YOUR HEAD!
OOH! HERE'S SOMETHING.
LOOK AT THIS, LOOK AT THIS.
OH, GOD.
IT'S CALLED "ECTO-GOO."
OH, WELL, THAT SOUNDS
VAGUELY SCIENTIFIC, BUT...
WHAT COULD HE POSSIBLY
LEARN FROM THAT?
FOR STARTERS, HE CAN LEARN NEVER
TO WEAR ARMANI TO A TOY STORE.
I JUST HAVE TO REMEMBER WHAT
I ORDERED FROM THE CATALOG.
FIRST, A LIVING BRAIN.
LIVING BRAIN?
WHAT KIND OF DORK WANTS THAT?
WITH ANY LUCK, THE KIND OF DORK
WHO'LL BE OPERATING ON
YOUR PROSTATE SOMEDAY.
FRASIER, FRASIER, FRASIER.
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK. THERE IT IS.
IT'S UP ON THAT SHELF.
OH, LORD, IT'S
COVERED WITH DUST.
THEIR BRAIN IS DUSTY.
COULD THERE BE A
CLEARER METAPHOR?
OH, LORD, THERE...
THERE'S NOTHING IN IT.
OH, CAN I HAVE IT?
IT'S AN EMPTY BOX.
BUT I CAN PUT MY
SON'S ROBO-GEEK IN IT.
YOU KNOW HOW SCARED HE'LL
BE WHEN HE THINKS HE'S GETTING
SOMETHING THIS NERDY?
[NERVOUS CHUCKLES]
OH, GOD, THIS IS HOPELESS.
WE'LL NEVER FIND
ANYTHING FOR FREDERICK.
FRASIER, JUST GIVE HIM A CHECK.
YOU CAN'T GIVE A
CHECK TO A CHILD.
THAT'S WHAT I'M GIVING HIM.
IT HAS A STAGECOACH ON IT.
NILES, MARIS CANCELED
YOUR ACCOUNT.
DAMN.
OH, LOOK!
LOOK AT THAT MAN'S BAG.
"YOUNG MINDS."
SIR, EXCUSE ME, IS
THIS STORE IN THE MALL?
YEAH.
AND IT'S EDUCATIONAL TOYS?
MM-HMM. IT'S JUST A
COUPLE OF DOORS DOWN.
YES! VIRGINIA, THERE
IS A SANTA CLAUS!
UH, NO, THEY CLOSED
A HALF HOUR AGO.
OH, DAMN.
DAMN IT. LOOK, THIS IS PERFECT.
LOOK, IT'S A... CHEMISTRY LAB
AND A PICTURE PUZZLE, AND...
MY SON COMES IN IN A HALF AN
HOUR AND I HAVE NOTHING FOR HIM.
HE'LL BE IN IN 22 MINUTES
IF HE PICKS UP A TAILWIND.
YOU REALLY NEED THIS, DON'T YOU?
OH, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
IT WOULD SAVE MY LIFE.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
SEEING AS HOW IT'S CHRISTMAS...
OH, GOD BLESS YOU, SIR.
A THOUSAND BUCKS.
WHAT? A...
A THOUSAND BUCKS?
HEY, TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.
THERE'S JUST NO MORE THAN
$100 WORTH OF THINGS HERE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WE'RE BEGINNING OUR DESCENT
INTO THE SEATTLE AIRPORT.
I'M TRYING TO DO YOU A
FAVOR. WELL, IT'S SOME FAVOR.
PLEASE MAKE SURE YOUR
TRAY TABLES AND SEAT BACKS
ARE IN THEIR UPRIGHT
POSITIONS. SHUT UP, NILES.
LET'S SEE WHAT I'VE GOT HERE.
I'VE GOT, UH...
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I'VE GOT, UH...
HERE'S $300.
WOULD YOU ACCEPT
A PERSONAL CHECK
FOR THE REST?
HEY. IT'S CHRISTMAS.
OH, BLESS YOU, BLESS YOU.
VERY WELL. THANK YOU.
NILES, GIVE THE MAN A CHECK.
WHERE'S FREDDY?
PUTTING ON HIS PAJAMAS.
TOLD HIM HE COULD COME IN
AFTER HE BRUSHES HIS TEETH.
SO, HOW'D YOU DO?
I DIDN'T GET EXACTLY
WHAT I'D ORDERED
BUT I THINK I DID ALL RIGHT.
I GOT HIM A MICROSCOPE
AND A CHEMISTRY SET
AND A 5,000-PIECE PUZZLE
OF THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA.
WELL, MAYBE HE'LL HAVE
FUN WITH THE BOXES.
DAD, HERE YOU GO.
THIS IS THE LAST BOX
FROM THE STOREROOM.
NOW, IS THIS WHAT
YOU WERE LOOKING FOR?
OH, YEAH!
SANTA'S LEGS FOR THE CHIMNEY.
YOU REMEMBER THESE BABIES?
OH, YES. THEY INSPIRED SOME
SPECTACULAR CHRISTMAS NIGHTMARES
THE YEAR I FOUND
THEM UNDER YOUR BED.
FRASIER, ISN'T THIS
THE SMOKING JACKET
YOU GAVE DAD A FEW YEARS BACK?
WHAT? HEY, WH...
HOW'D THAT GET IN THERE?
DAD? THESE ARE ALL
THE GIFTS I'VE GIVEN YOU
FOR THE LAST SIX YEARS.
HEY, COME ON, NOW, SHUT THIS...
CLOSE THE BOX UP, WILL YOU?
THEY'RE STILL IN
THE ORIGINAL BOXES.
NEVER EVEN BEEN
WORN. SURE THEY HAVE.
YEAH. THIS ONE STILL
HAS THE TAGS ON IT.
THIS ISN'T THE CONVERSATION WE
SHOULD HAVE ON CHRISTMAS EVE.
NO, DAD? WELL, WHAT
WAS IT YOU WANT TO SAY?
YOU'RE ALWAYS
GIVING PEOPLE THINGS
THAT YOU THINK THEY SHOULD LIKE
INSTEAD OF THINGS
THAT THEY REALLY LIKE.
I MEAN, COME ON.
IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE,
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ME
WEAR ANYTHING LIKE THAT?
WELL, NO. I THOUGHT
YOU MIGHT LIKE A CHANGE.
WELL, IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU
WERE A KID, REMEMBER?
I WANTED YOU TO LOVE BASEBALL.
I WANTED TO GET YOU A BAT AND
GLOVE, EVERYTHING, FOR CHRISTMAS
BUT YOU HAD YOUR MIND SET ON A
MICROSCOPE, SO THAT'S WHAT I GOT YOU.
THEN WHEN DAD TOOK US TO A GAME
YOU SPENT THE WHOLE TIME
LOOKING FOR RODENT HAIRS
IN YOUR HOT DOG.
CHRISTMAS ISN'T THE TIME THAT
YOU TRY TO MOLD SOMEBODY
WHICH IS WHAT YOU'RE
TRYING TO DO WITH FREDERICK.
I KNOW WHAT'S GOOD
FOR MY OWN SON.
I BRUSHED MY TEETH, DADDY.
OH, THAT'S MY BOY.
COME ON.
BONSOIR, UNCLE NILES.
ET TOI AUSSI.
YOU BETTER GET TO SLEEP
OR SANTA WON'T COME.
OKAY. I KNOW JUST WHAT SANTA'S
BRINGING ME THIS YEAR, DAD.
I'LL BET YOU DON'T.
YES, I DO TOO. IT'S AN
OUTLAW LASER ROBO-GEEK.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT?
BECAUSE I ASKED SANTA
FOR IT IN MY LETTER.
THEY ARE SO COOL!
WELL, UH, LISTEN, UH, FREDERICK
THERE'S, UH... WHERE
ARE YOU GOING?
I'M GONNA MAKE MYSELF
GO TO SLEEP RIGHT AWAY
SO THE NEXT THING I
KNOW, IT'LL BE MORNING.
GOOD NIGHT, DADDY.
I'LL COME TUCK YOU IN.
GOOD NIGHT, GRANDPA.
GOOD NIGHT, UNCLE NILES.
GOOD NIGHT, FREDERICK.
I'M GOING TO GO HOME
AND GO TO BED TOO.
I HOPE AUNT MARIS
COMES OUT OF HER COMA.
HE ASKED WHERE SHE WAS.
I THOUGHT THE TRUTH
WOULD JUST UPSET HIM.
I'LL SEE YOU IN THE
MORNING. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
WELL, THIS IS TURNING OUT
TO BE QUITE A CHRISTMAS.
OH, IT'S GOING TO BE FINE.
DONE IT AGAIN.
GOTTEN EVERYBODY
THE WRONG GIFTS.
WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME?
YOU MAY AS WELL
OPEN YOUR GIFT NOW.
NO REASON FOR EVERYBODY
TO BE DISAPPOINTED TOMORROW.
HEY, I'M SURE I'M GONNA LOVE IT.
I DOUBT IT.
IT'S NOT EXACTLY MY NIGHT.
HEY, A ROBE!
GREAT! I LOVE IT!
OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
IT'S NOT A ROBE.
IT'S A DRESSING GOWN.
NOEL COWARD WOULD
LOVE IT, BUT IT'S NOT YOU.
HEY, I LOVE NOEL COWARD!
DAD, YOU'RE OVERCOMPENSATING.
YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE
ARE HARD TO BUY FOR.
YOU KNOW, YOU ARE TOO. I
NEVER KNOW WHAT TO GET YOU.
YEAH.
HERE.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL OPEN THIS NOW.
YEAH, I GUESS IT WAS
EASIER WHEN I WAS SMALL.
KIDS ALWAYS KNOW WHAT
THEY WANT, DON'T THEY?
YEAH, IT'S ROUGH FOR ADULTS.
OH, DAD...
MERRY CHRISTMAS, SON.
HOW'D YOU KNOW IT
WAS JUST WHAT I WANTED?
MY VERY OWN OUTLAW
LASER ROBO-GEEK.
OH, DAD.
OH, OH, LISTEN, ARE THE
BATTERIES INCLUDED?
IN THE BOX.
OH, DAD!
[CHUCKLING]
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