Frasier (1993–2004): Season 3, Episode 5 - Kisses Sweeter Than Wine - full transcript
Frasier may have to scratch his dream of becoming the head of the wine club after Niles accidentally gouges Frasier's floor on the eve of an important wine tasting. When Niles has his contractor, Joe, promptly make repairs, Frasier is floored by the ensuing mess and chaos. Also, Niles must contend with the fact that Joe and Daphne have taken a shine to each other.
ROZ, WHO'S OUR LAST CALLER?
ON LINE TWO
WE HAVE MARILYN.
SHE'S FEELING A LITTLE HOMESICK.
GO AHEAD, MARILYN.
Well, I like living in
Seattle, but, I don't know.
I grew up in this little
town in Wisconsin
and I really miss that life.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE.
MY PRODUCER, ROZ, HAS REGALED ME
WITH MANY STORIES OF
THE GREAT DAIRY STATE.
You're from Wisconsin, Roz?
What part?
BLOOMER.
Oh, my God, I'm from Menominee!
NO WAY! OH, MY GOD...
MY COUSINS ARE FROM MENOMINEE.
DO YOU KNOW THE RAYBURNS?
ISN'T THAT...?
Billy Rayburn is your cousin?
I used to work with him
at Belle's Frozen Custard.
DO YOU REMEMBER THAT
GUY THAT RAN THE STORE?
THE GUY WITH ALL THE MOLES?
Mr. Teechy. MR. TEECHY.
WELL, LADIES, AS
FASCINATING AS THIS IS
I'M AFRAID WE'RE OUT OF TIME.
Oh... OH...
THAT'S OKAY, MARILYN.
YOU CAN CALL BACK TOMORROW.
BE SURE YOU ALL TUNE IN TOMORROW
FOR PART TWO IN OUR SERIES
"WOMEN OF THE CHEESE BELT."
GOOD-BYE FOR NOW
AND GOOD MENTAL HEALTH.
THESE MESSAGES
CAME FOR YOU EARLIER.
YOUR WINE IS READY.
OH, EXCELLENT.
I'M HOSTING A TASTING TONIGHT
FOR THE WINE CLUB
NILES AND I BELONG TO.
I'M HOPING THEY NAME
ME THE MAITRE DE CHAI.
IT'S A LONGSTANDING
DREAM OF MINE
TO WEAR THAT SILVER
CUP AROUND MY NECK.
YOU KNOW, BACK IN WISCONSIN
IF A GUY WORE A
CUP AROUND HIS NECK
IT MEANT HE'D TICKED
OFF THE GYM TEACHER.
FINE, MAKE SPORT
BUT THIS DOES HAPPEN
TO BE IMPORTANT TO ME.
SINCE WHEN? YOU
USED TO SAY THAT CLUB
WAS NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF
ARROGANT CORK-SNIFFING SNOBS.
THAT WAS BEFORE I GOT IN.
WELL, WHEN I'M HANDING OUT
BOLOGNA SANDWICHES THIS WEEKEND
AT THE HOMELESS SHELTER
IT WILL DO MY HEART GOOD
TO KNOW THAT A
BUNCH OF WEALTHY MEN
ARE SWISHING $200
BOTTLES OF WINE
AND SPITTING IT
INTO SILVER BUCKETS.
WELL, IT'S NOT LIKE WE
DON'T RECYCLE THE BOTTLES.
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE
ARE... NUMBER SIX.
MM-HMM.
MM, BIG, FULL-BODIED...
PERHAPS A BIT BAKED.
ESSENCE OF...
TRUFFLES, LONG FINISH...
CHAMBERTIN '76.
BRAVO, FRASIER.
IF ONLY YOUR AIM
WERE AS ACCURATE.
HOW IS IT
THOSE SAME TASTE BUDS
CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN ME POT ROAST
AND ME FLANK STEAK?
CONSIDERING YOU LEARNED
TO COOK IN ENGLAND
IT'S A WONDER I CAN
TELL YOUR FLANK STEAK
FROM A BRAISED TENNIS BALL.
NOW LET'S MOVE ON
TO THE NUMBER SEVEN.
THERE YOU ARE.
MM-HMM-HMM.
AH, A TOUCH OF OAK...
A HINT OF CURRANT...
WHISPER OF...
WHAT IS THAT? WHAT IS THAT?
AH, AH, YES... WET DOG.
YOU GUYS STILL PLAYING
THAT STUPID GAME?
DAD, WINE TASTING
IS NOT A STUPID GAME.
IT'S A HIGHLY REFINED SKILL.
YEAH, I JUST SAW
A COUPLE OF GUYS ON THE CORNER
PRACTICING OUT OF PAPER BAGS.
WE'RE HARDLY WINOS.
SOME VERY DISTINGUISHED
PEOPLE BELONG TO OUR CLUB.
MAYOR HARTLY,
COMMISSIONER OF PUBLIC SAFETY
THE CHIEF OF
SURGERY AT ST. LUKE'S.
OH, JUST THE PEOPLE I'D WANT
WALKING AROUND ALL LIQUORED UP.
CAN YOU FIND ROOM
FOR A SCHOOL BUS DRIVER
AND A COUPLE OF AIR
TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS?
WELL, WE COULD IF THEY
HAD IMPECCABLE TASTE.
WHICH REMINDS ME, DAD...
I HAVE A FAVOR TO BEG.
WOULD YOU MIND IF I MOVED
YOUR CHAIR INTO YOUR ROOM
UNTIL AFTER THE TASTING?
FORGET IT.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL ASK
ME TO STAY IN MY ROOM.
WHICH TAKES CARE
OF THE SECOND FAVOR.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
GO AHEAD. MOVE IT.
AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE
TO SPEND THE NIGHT
LOOKING AT YOUR SOCIETY
PALS GETTING TANKED.
NILES, COME ON, GRAB AN END.
( chuckling)
OH, YOU'RE SERIOUS.
YOU KNOW I DON'T LIFT.
YES.
WITH THAT STICK WHERE IT IS,
I'M SURPRISED YOU CAN BEND.
START HOISTING.
ALL RIGHT.
THIS THING WEIGHS A TON.
OH, LORD.
THIS ROOM?
YES.
OH, GOD, IT'S SLIPPING.
NO, NILES! DON'T DROP IT!
Martin: HEY!
OH, GOD! LOOK AT THAT GOUGE.
YOU'D BETTER BE
TALKING ABOUT THE FLOOR.
OH, OF COURSE I AM.
OH, FOR PETE'S SAKE.
IT'S JUST ONE SCRATCH.
GET ME A YELLOW MAGIC MARKER.
I'LL COLOR IT IN.
NOBODY WILL KNOW.
DAD, YOU HAVE NO IDEA
HOW CRITICAL THESE
PEOPLE CAN BE.
THEY LOVE FINDING FAULT.
WE COULD PUT A RUG OVER IT.
A RUG? WHERE A
RUG DOESN'T BELONG?
WHY DON'T WE JUST THROW DOWN
A TWISTER MAT?
HAVE A FEW ROUNDS
BETWEEN VINTAGES?
STEADY, FRASIER,
THERE'S STILL HOPE.
I'LL BRING MY CONTRACTOR
BY IN THE MORNING.
MAN'S A GENIUS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S TIME
YOU BOYS LEARNED
EVERYTHING DOESN'T
HAVE TO BE PERFECT.
YES, IT'S THAT KIND OF ADVICE
THAT LEADS TO SHAG CARPETING.
AH, GOOD MORNING, DAPHNE.
EXTRA PANCAKES
FOR ME THIS MORNING.
I'M FAMISHED.
YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT
ABOUT THAT BEFORE YOU STARTED
MAKING CRACKS
ABOUT ENGLISH COOKING.
I HAVE HUNG UP MY SPATULA.
WELL, YOU MOVE MY CHAIR
YOU CUT OFF MY PANCAKE SUPPLY...
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
BACK OUT OVER EDDIE
ON YOUR WAY TO WORK
MAKE IT A HAT TRICK.
( doorbell ringing)
AND A "HAT TRICK" WOULD BE?
THAT'S IN HOCKEY, WHERE...
ENOUGH SAID. THANK YOU.
GOOD MORNING, FRASIER.
I'M DELIVERING ONE MIRACLE
WORKER AS PROMISED.
JOE DeCARLO, FRASIER CRANE
AND MY FATHER, MARTIN CRANE.
HI, JOE.
SO WHERE'S THE SCRATCH?
YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T SEE IT?
WE WERE GOING TO PUT
ORANGE CONES AROUND IT
SO NOBODY WOULD FALL IN IT.
IT'S RIGHT HERE.
I CAN GET RID OF THAT.
IT HAS TO BE DONE BY 5:00.
MY GUESTS ARRIVE AT 7:00.
SO IT HAS TO BE A FIRM
5:00, NOT A 5;15, NOT A 5:30.
I'LL HAVE IT DONE BY NOON.
I TOLD YOU HE WAS GOOD.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT A MAN
WHO SATISFIED MARIS...
SOMETHING THAT'S
STILL REGRETTABLY
ON MY "TO DO" LIST.
COFFEE'S READY.
OF COURSE, I'M
SURE IT WILL TASTE
LIKE ME OLD BATH WATER TO YOU.
YOU KNOW HOW IT GETS...
ALL GRAY AND SCUMMY
AROUND THE EDGES WITH...
OH, HELLO.
HI.
( softly): HELLO.
I'D LOVE SOME COFFEE, DAPHNE.
MM... DAPHNE?
UH, DAPH
THIS IS JOE DeCARLO.
JOE, THIS IS DAPHNE.
SHE HELPS ME OUT.
SMELLS GREAT.
COLUMBIAN?
OH, HA, NO.
ENGLISH.
THE COFFEE... COSTA RICAN.
WOULD YOU LIKE A CUP?
YEAH. THANKS.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
( whispering): HE'S ADORABLE.
TALK ME UP.
PLATE OF PANCAKES?
DEAL.
YOU KNOW, UH, JOE
DAPHNE'S A GREAT GAL.
YOU KNOW, SHE DOESN'T ALWAYS
GO AROUND IN THAT
RATTY OLD BATHROBE.
OH, NO.
SHE CLEANS UP REAL CUTE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO CONVINCE ME.
I THINK DAD'S RIGHT...
YOU DON'T NEED TO
FIX THAT SCRATCH.
IT ADDS CHARACTER. COME, JOE.
NILES, FORGET IT.
HONEYBUN?
YES?
OH!
( giggling)
I MEANT, WOULD YOU LIKE ONE
OF THESE WITH YOUR COFFEE?
I'D LOVE ONE.
ANYTHING ELSE?
NO.
SUGAR.
YES?
I MEANT IN THE COFFEE.
( giggling): OH!
YOU KNOW, MARIS IS QUITE KEEN
ON GUTTING MY LIBRARY
TO MAKE MORE SPACE FOR HER HATS.
WHY DON'T YOU COME HOME WITH ME
AND YOU CAN SEND
ONE OF YOUR MEN OVER
TO DO THIS LITTLE JOB.
BRUCE WOULD BE GOOD, THE
LARGE SWEATY GENTLEMAN
WITH THE CHILI
DOGS ON HIS BREATH.
NILES, JOE IS HERE ALREADY,
AND WE DO HAVE A DEADLINE.
BUT WOULDN'T IT BE PRUDENT...?
NILES, IT'S SETTLED.
THAT'S GREAT, BECAUSE
I'M KIND OF ANXIOUS
TO GET AT HER.
I'LL JUST BET HE IS
THE TESTOSTERONE-DRIVEN,
TOOL-WIELDING...
NILES!
NILES, HE'S TALKING
ABOUT THE SCRATCH.
OH! I KNEW THAT.
I MEAN, I KNOW THAT.
I MEAN, WATCH HIM.
SOMEONE REMODELING?
NOPE. BAD WIRING IN
ONE OF THE CONDOS.
AH. WELL, I HOPE YOU GENTLEMEN
WON'T BE WORKING THIS EVENING.
I'M ENTERTAINING SOME
VERY IMPORTANT GUESTS
AND YOU KNOW HOW SOUND
TRAVELS IN THIS BUILDING.
CAN'T MAKE ANY PROMISES.
WE'RE HERE AS LONG
AS THIS POOR SAP
IS WILLING TO PAY US.
WHAT IS HAPPENING?!
HOLD IT DOWN, GUYS.
UH, SORRY ABOUT THIS, DR. CRANE
BUT WHEN I PLUGGED IN THE SANDER
TO START ON THE FLOOR,
YOU BLEW A CIRCUIT.
SO, NATURALLY, YOU'RE
SAWING A HOLE INTO MY WALL.
WHEN THE CIRCUIT
BLEW, IT STARTED A FIRE.
YOU GOT SOME REAL BAD WIRING.
HOW LONG?
A COUPLE HOURS.
"A COUPLE" IS VAGUE.
THE BIG HAND
WOULD BE ON THE TWELVE AND
THE LITTLE HAND WOULD BE...?
ON THE FOUR.
OH, THE FOUR.
WELL, THE FOUR IS OKAY. FINE.
Martin: YOU KNOW THE FIRE?
EDDIE SMELLED IT FIRST.
OH, WELL, HE'S A REGULAR
CANARY IN A COAL MINE, ISN'T HE?
MY GOD.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
DON'T ASK, NILES.
I SEE YOU'VE GOT
THE ROMANEE-CONTI.
YES, BUT UNFORTUNATELY,
THEY ONLY HAD THE ONE BOTTLE.
OH, THAT'S FUNNY. THE
IMPORTER TOLD ME HE HAD TWO.
REALLY? HOW STRANGE.
YOU KNOW, IF I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU BETTER, I WOULD SWEAR
THAT YOU HAD SQUIRRELED
ONE AWAY FOR YOURSELF.
BUT THEN, WE BOTH KNOW
THAT YOU MUST BE
TELLING THE TRUTH
BECAUSE YOU'RE SUCH
A SLAVE TO YOUR ETHICS
THAT EVEN THE
SLIGHTEST TRANSGRESSION
WOULD CAUSE YOUR NOSE TO BLEED.
WHICH IT ISN'T.
( sniffs)
YOU JUST SNIFFED.
I DIDN'T SNIFF.
IT WAS A SNORT OF CONTEMPT.
( sniffs)
A SNORT IS OUT.
THAT WAS IN.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
THE OTHER BOTTLE'S IN
THE CAR IN MY BOWLING BAG.
THANK YOU.
YOU HAVE A BOWLING BAG?
YES. MARIS AND I HAVE TAKEN
TO GIVING EACH OTHER GAG GIFTS.
AH.
I GAVE HER A COOKBOOK.
OH, YOO-HOO.
I, UH, NOTICED
HOW YOUR SHIRT WAS
CLINGING TO YOUR BACK
AND... I THOUGHT A GLASS OF
ICED TEA MIGHT HIT THE SPOT.
OH, THANKS, DAPH.
( giggling): OH!
I GOT A SPARK.
ME TOO.
THAT'S JUST
STATIC ELECTRICITY
FROM THE CARPET.
IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE.
I'LL SHOW YOU. WATCH.
NILES...
STOP POKING ME!
SHOULD I PUT THESE LITTLE
FINGERY FOODS IN THE FRIDGE?
YES, PLEASE. THE BRIE
IS SWEATING UP A STORM.
LET ME HELP YOU WITH THOSE.
UH, NO, DAPHNE.
LET ME HELP YOU.
EXCUSE ME, BRUCE. OH!
GEEZ!
SPARK! SPARK.
DID YOU SEE THAT?
WELL, I WILL BE BACK
AFTER WORK AT 5:30.
I HOPE I HAVE YOUR WORD
THAT MY APARTMENT
WILL BE PERFECT BY THEN.
SURE THING.
THINK BEFORE YOU ANSWER.
THIS IS NOT LIKE MARRIAGE VOWS
OR A PROMISE TO A DYING PARENT.
THIS REALLY, REALLY COUNTS.
YOU HAVE MY WORD.
THANK YOU.
MAN, I AM SWEATING LIKE A PIG.
I GOT TO AIR MYSELF
OUT. HOLD THE ELEVATOR.
I'M SORRY. I NEED
THIS NOSE TONIGHT.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
KEEP FEEDING THESE MEN.
ACTUALLY, MARIS FINDS
THEY WORK FASTER
IF YOU KEEP THEM HUNGRY.
I DON'T MIND.
OF COURSE, I PROBABLY DON'T COOK
AS WELL AS THEIR
WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS.
THAT IS, IF THEY ALL
HAVE GIRLFRIENDS.
I'M SURE JOE'S PROBABLY
MENTIONED SOME GIRL TO YOU.
NO.
REALLY?
THAT IS, NOT ANY ONE GIRL.
NOT OLD
LOVE-'EM-AND-LEAVE-'EM JOE.
FROM WHAT I'VE HEARD
HE'S WRECKED MORE
HOMES THAN HE'S FIXED.
MIMSY STANHOPE HAS
HIM OVER ALL THE TIME
AND I DON'T JUST MEAN
TO STRIP HER ENTRYWAY.
OH, I SEE.
I'M SORRY, DAPHNE.
NO.
IT'S BETTER I SHOULD KNOW
NOW BEFORE I GET ME HOPES UP.
THANK YOU FOR
BEING HONEST WITH ME.
( silence)
AH...!
( saw buzzing)
JOE?
DR. CRANE, DON'T PANIC.
I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.
WONDERFUL. THEN
PERHAPS YOU CAN EXPLAIN...
THESE LEGS?
THAT'S CECIL, THE
BEST CEILING GUY
IN SEATTLE.
WE WERE LUCKY TO GET HIM.
WHEN WE OPENED THE WALL
WE FOUND THE GAS PIPES
LEADING TO YOUR FIREPLACE
HAD TO BE FIXED.
TONIGHT.
I OKAYED IT.
IT JUST SEEMED WISER TO DO IT
BEFORE THE EXPLOSION.
FRASIER. THE CLUB MEMBERS
ARRIVE IN 45 MINUTES.
HAVE YOU LOST YOUR...?
CECIL.
NILES, DON'T YELL AT ME.
IF YOU WERE ABLE TO LIFT
ANYTHING HEAVIER
THAN AN EMERY BOARD
WE WOULDN'T BE IN THIS POSITION.
NEXT TIME YOU'LL
LISTEN TO YOUR OLD MAN.
I WAS CONSIDERING WHETHER I
SHOULD SHAVE OR SLIT MY WRISTS.
YOU'VE MADE MY CHOICE
A LITTLE EASIER.
WE ARE GOING TO MAKE IT.
ONLY, UH, ABOUT THAT SHAVING...
WE HAD TO SHUT THE WATER
OFF TO REPLACE A VALVE.
OH. WELL, THAT EXPLOSION IDEA
IS SOUNDING BETTER AND BETTER.
COULD SOMEONE
MOVE THAT METAL PIECE
AWAY FROM THE DOOR?
( phone ringing)
HELLO. YES, UH, JUST...
HOLD ON, WILL YOU?
HEY, JOE. YOU KNOW, UH
YOU GOING TO BE THROUGH BY 7:00?
THAT GIVES YOU PLENTY OF TIME
FOR DINNER AND A MOVIE.
( loud buzzing)
EXCUSE ME.
( unintelligible)
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO HAVE DINNER?
( unintelligible)
I'M SORRY. I CAN'T HEAR...
( buzzing stops)
I SAID, I DON'T WANT
TO GO OUT WITH YOU!
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
GET BACK TO WORK!
THANKS A LOT.
WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?
SHE'S CRAZY ABOUT HIM.
NILES, IS YOUR NOSE BLEEDING?
NO, NO, I WAS JUST
ADMIRING CECIL'S HANDIWORK.
THAT WAS THE MAYOR ON THE PHONE.
APPARENTLY, HIS WIFE
CAN'T MAKE IT TONIGHT
SO HE HAS INVITED SENATOR ADLER.
COULD ANYTHING ELSE
POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
TAKE A LOOK AT THAT.
OH, DEAR GOD.
IS THAT BLOOD ON MY FLOOR?
AND ANOTHER DROP?
NILES!
WELL?
IS IT TERRIBLY WRONG
TO MISLEAD SOMEONE
EVEN IF IT'S FOR HIS
OR HER OWN GOOD?
WHAT DID YOU TELL DAPHNE?
I MADE UP A STORY
THAT JOE SEDUCES ALL
THE WOMEN HE WORKS FOR
SO SHE WOULDN'T GO OUT WITH HIM.
NILES... HOW COULD
YOU BE SO SELFISH?
I DIDN'T DO IT FOR
ME; I DID IT FOR HER.
SHE DESERVES A
DOCTOR OR A LAWYER...
SOMEONE FOR WHOM A
T-SHIRT IS AN UNDERGARMENT.
LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
SORT OF TWISTED FANTASY
YOU'VE CONCOCTED
ABOUT YOU AND DAPHNE.
I SUPPOSE IT INVOLVES A
COMET HITTING THE EARTH
AND YOU AND SHE HAVING
TO REBUILD THE SPECIES
BUT TRUST ME, NILES
IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
SHE NEEDS A MAN THAT CAN DO MORE
FOR HER THAN...
JUST SMELL HER HAIR.
DAPHNE?
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
YOU ARE GOING TO FIX THIS.
TELL HER THE TRUTH.
ONLY THE TRUTH
SHALL MAKE YOU CLOT.
YES, DR. CRANE?
YES, DAPHNE, NILES HAS
SOMETHING HE WISHES
TO DISCUSS WITH YOU.
WHAT IS IT, DR. CRANE?
OH, LOOK.
YOU HAVE A SPOT ON YOUR TIE.
OH...
WELL, EARLIER...
WHAT I SAID ABOUT JOE...
I MADE A MISTAKE.
HE DOESN'T SLEEP AROUND.
HE HASN'T WRECKED ANY HOMES
AND... THE BUSINESS
ABOUT MIMSY STANHOPE...
OH, SORRY.
IS THERE A JOHN AROUND
HERE THAT AIN'T OCCUPADO?
YOU CAN USE THE MASTER BEDROOM.
JOE NEVER WORKED
FOR MIMSY STANHOPE.
HE SURE DIDN'T.
I DO ALL THE WORK AT MIMSY'S.
SHE IS ONE TOUGH
LADY TO SATISFY.
YOU?
I'M THE ONLY GUY WHO
CAN MAKE HER HAPPY.
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT. GEEZ.
SO... THAT WAS THE
MISTAKE YOU MADE.
THOSE STORIES YOU
HEARD WEREN'T ABOUT JOE.
THEY WERE ABOUT BRUCE?
HARD TO BELIEVE, ISN'T IT?
WELL, YOU KNOW, WHEN
SOCIETY WOMEN GO SLUMMING
THEY GO ALL THE WAY.
SO... YOU CAN... TELL JOE
THAT YOU, YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND
ABOUT GOING OUT WITH HIM.
OH, NO, I COULDN'T.
WHAT WOULD I SAY?
TELL HIM I HEARD
STORIES THAT HE...
( sniffing)
OOH. NO, BAD IDEA.
UH...
HERE.
YOU... WAIT HERE.
JOE.
YEAH?
YOU HAVE TO ASK
DAPHNE OUT AGAIN.
ARE YOU NUTS?
YOU HEARD WHAT SHE SAID.
BUT IF YOU ASK HER
AGAIN, SHE'LL SAY YES.
HEY, MAYBE I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.
OH, NO
YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED YOUR MIND.
YOU'RE JUST LETTING
MASCULINE VANITY
AND HURT FEELINGS KEEP
YOU FROM SOMETHING
THAT OTHER MEN CAN ONLY DREAM OF
IN THEIR OXBLOOD, CETUS LEATHER
WINGBACK CHAIRS
WITH THE LIGHTS OFF.
LOOK, DR. CRANE,
I JUST DON'T THINK
IT WOULD WORK OUT, OKAY?
NO, IT'S NOT OKAY.
IF YOU HAD EVER
SMELLED HER HAIR...
YOU'D KNOW SHE'S WORTH
AT LEAST ONE MORE TRY.
SHE IS AN ANGEL.
SHE IS A GODDESS
AND SHE'S WAITING FOR
YOU IN THE BATHROOM.
YOU GOT A MINUTE?
OH...
I'M NEVER GOING TO MAKE IT.
( phone ringing)
DAPHNE, WOULD YOU GET THAT?
GEEZ, I THOUGHT YOU WERE
SLITTING YOUR WRISTS.
YOU WENT FOR DEATH
BY A THOUSAND CUTS.
I CUT MYSELF BECAUSE I
WAS SHAVING WITHOUT WATER.
AND WHY WAS THERE NO WATER?
BECAUSE I HAD TO MOVE YOUR
CHAIR WHICH GOUGED THE FLOOR
WHICH MADE ME CALL FOR
JOE WHO FOUND BAD PIPES
WHICH CALLED FOR CECIL
WHO ATE THE CAT
THAT KILLED THE RAT
THAT LIVED IN THE HOUSE
THAT FRASIER BUILT!
THAT WAS THE DOORMAN.
SENATOR ADLER'S
LIMOUSINE JUST PULLED UP.
OH! IT'S OVER!
IT'S OVER!
SING, FAT LADY, SING.
FRASIER, WHAT ARE
WE GOING TO DO?
GIVE ME YOUR CASH, BOTH OF YOU.
NEVER MIND WHY.
JUST HAND IT TO ME.
ALL RIGHT. YOU WANT ALL $700?
YOU CARRY $700 IN YOUR WALLET?
WELL, MARIS ASKED ME TO
STOP BY THE DRUGSTORE LATER.
JUST HAND IT OVER.
OKAY, GUYS!
I GOT 700 AND SOME
ODD DOLLARS HERE.
IF YOU CAN GET
EVERYTHING CLEARED UP
BEFORE FRASIER'S
BUDDIES GET UP HERE
IT'S YOURS TO SPLIT
ANY WAY YOU WANT.
BRIBERY?
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO!
COME ON!
IT'S STARTING TO WORK.
IT'S STARTING TO WORK.
HEY, HERE'S ANOTHER HUNDRED.
I WAS HOLDING OUT ON MY OLD MAN.
DR. CRANE?
YES?
JOE TOLD ME WHAT YOU DID.
I THINK THAT'S THE NICEST THING
ANYONE'S EVER DONE FOR ME.
THANK YOU.
OH!
DID YOU FEEL THAT?
WE MADE A SPARK.
OH, YES, WE DID.
I GUESS YOU WERE RIGHT.
IT IS JUST THE CARPET.
Joe: OKAY, EVERYBODY, COME ON.
MOVE IT, MOVE IT, MOVE IT!
WE'RE OUTTA HERE.
YOU READY?
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, DAPHNE.
HAVE A GOOD TIME.
OH, MY GOD.
WE, WE ACTUALLY DID IT.
OH, DAD, PLEASE
PLEASE DON'T LEAVE.
I'D LIKE YOU TO STAY.
YOU HELPED ME GET THIS
PUT TOGETHER TONIGHT.
OH, THANKS, FRAS. THAT
MAKES ME FEEL GOOD.
NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO HANG
AROUND WITH THAT BLEEDING-HEART
SOFTY-ON-CRIME
SENATOR ADLER, BUT GOOD.
COME ON, EDDIE.
POLITICIANS ARE COMING.
( doorbell ringing)
THEY'RE HERE.
SENATOR ADLER, MAYOR,
WELCOME TO MY HUMBLE ABODE.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE
OUT OF T.P. IN THE CAN?
[CAPTIONING SPONSORED BY
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION, NBC]
[CAPTIONED BY THE CAPTION CENTER
WGBH EDUCATIONAL FOUNDATION]
ON LINE TWO
WE HAVE MARILYN.
SHE'S FEELING A LITTLE HOMESICK.
GO AHEAD, MARILYN.
Well, I like living in
Seattle, but, I don't know.
I grew up in this little
town in Wisconsin
and I really miss that life.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE.
MY PRODUCER, ROZ, HAS REGALED ME
WITH MANY STORIES OF
THE GREAT DAIRY STATE.
You're from Wisconsin, Roz?
What part?
BLOOMER.
Oh, my God, I'm from Menominee!
NO WAY! OH, MY GOD...
MY COUSINS ARE FROM MENOMINEE.
DO YOU KNOW THE RAYBURNS?
ISN'T THAT...?
Billy Rayburn is your cousin?
I used to work with him
at Belle's Frozen Custard.
DO YOU REMEMBER THAT
GUY THAT RAN THE STORE?
THE GUY WITH ALL THE MOLES?
Mr. Teechy. MR. TEECHY.
WELL, LADIES, AS
FASCINATING AS THIS IS
I'M AFRAID WE'RE OUT OF TIME.
Oh... OH...
THAT'S OKAY, MARILYN.
YOU CAN CALL BACK TOMORROW.
BE SURE YOU ALL TUNE IN TOMORROW
FOR PART TWO IN OUR SERIES
"WOMEN OF THE CHEESE BELT."
GOOD-BYE FOR NOW
AND GOOD MENTAL HEALTH.
THESE MESSAGES
CAME FOR YOU EARLIER.
YOUR WINE IS READY.
OH, EXCELLENT.
I'M HOSTING A TASTING TONIGHT
FOR THE WINE CLUB
NILES AND I BELONG TO.
I'M HOPING THEY NAME
ME THE MAITRE DE CHAI.
IT'S A LONGSTANDING
DREAM OF MINE
TO WEAR THAT SILVER
CUP AROUND MY NECK.
YOU KNOW, BACK IN WISCONSIN
IF A GUY WORE A
CUP AROUND HIS NECK
IT MEANT HE'D TICKED
OFF THE GYM TEACHER.
FINE, MAKE SPORT
BUT THIS DOES HAPPEN
TO BE IMPORTANT TO ME.
SINCE WHEN? YOU
USED TO SAY THAT CLUB
WAS NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF
ARROGANT CORK-SNIFFING SNOBS.
THAT WAS BEFORE I GOT IN.
WELL, WHEN I'M HANDING OUT
BOLOGNA SANDWICHES THIS WEEKEND
AT THE HOMELESS SHELTER
IT WILL DO MY HEART GOOD
TO KNOW THAT A
BUNCH OF WEALTHY MEN
ARE SWISHING $200
BOTTLES OF WINE
AND SPITTING IT
INTO SILVER BUCKETS.
WELL, IT'S NOT LIKE WE
DON'T RECYCLE THE BOTTLES.
ALL RIGHT, HERE WE
ARE... NUMBER SIX.
MM-HMM.
MM, BIG, FULL-BODIED...
PERHAPS A BIT BAKED.
ESSENCE OF...
TRUFFLES, LONG FINISH...
CHAMBERTIN '76.
BRAVO, FRASIER.
IF ONLY YOUR AIM
WERE AS ACCURATE.
HOW IS IT
THOSE SAME TASTE BUDS
CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN ME POT ROAST
AND ME FLANK STEAK?
CONSIDERING YOU LEARNED
TO COOK IN ENGLAND
IT'S A WONDER I CAN
TELL YOUR FLANK STEAK
FROM A BRAISED TENNIS BALL.
NOW LET'S MOVE ON
TO THE NUMBER SEVEN.
THERE YOU ARE.
MM-HMM-HMM.
AH, A TOUCH OF OAK...
A HINT OF CURRANT...
WHISPER OF...
WHAT IS THAT? WHAT IS THAT?
AH, AH, YES... WET DOG.
YOU GUYS STILL PLAYING
THAT STUPID GAME?
DAD, WINE TASTING
IS NOT A STUPID GAME.
IT'S A HIGHLY REFINED SKILL.
YEAH, I JUST SAW
A COUPLE OF GUYS ON THE CORNER
PRACTICING OUT OF PAPER BAGS.
WE'RE HARDLY WINOS.
SOME VERY DISTINGUISHED
PEOPLE BELONG TO OUR CLUB.
MAYOR HARTLY,
COMMISSIONER OF PUBLIC SAFETY
THE CHIEF OF
SURGERY AT ST. LUKE'S.
OH, JUST THE PEOPLE I'D WANT
WALKING AROUND ALL LIQUORED UP.
CAN YOU FIND ROOM
FOR A SCHOOL BUS DRIVER
AND A COUPLE OF AIR
TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS?
WELL, WE COULD IF THEY
HAD IMPECCABLE TASTE.
WHICH REMINDS ME, DAD...
I HAVE A FAVOR TO BEG.
WOULD YOU MIND IF I MOVED
YOUR CHAIR INTO YOUR ROOM
UNTIL AFTER THE TASTING?
FORGET IT.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL ASK
ME TO STAY IN MY ROOM.
WHICH TAKES CARE
OF THE SECOND FAVOR.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
GO AHEAD. MOVE IT.
AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE
TO SPEND THE NIGHT
LOOKING AT YOUR SOCIETY
PALS GETTING TANKED.
NILES, COME ON, GRAB AN END.
( chuckling)
OH, YOU'RE SERIOUS.
YOU KNOW I DON'T LIFT.
YES.
WITH THAT STICK WHERE IT IS,
I'M SURPRISED YOU CAN BEND.
START HOISTING.
ALL RIGHT.
THIS THING WEIGHS A TON.
OH, LORD.
THIS ROOM?
YES.
OH, GOD, IT'S SLIPPING.
NO, NILES! DON'T DROP IT!
Martin: HEY!
OH, GOD! LOOK AT THAT GOUGE.
YOU'D BETTER BE
TALKING ABOUT THE FLOOR.
OH, OF COURSE I AM.
OH, FOR PETE'S SAKE.
IT'S JUST ONE SCRATCH.
GET ME A YELLOW MAGIC MARKER.
I'LL COLOR IT IN.
NOBODY WILL KNOW.
DAD, YOU HAVE NO IDEA
HOW CRITICAL THESE
PEOPLE CAN BE.
THEY LOVE FINDING FAULT.
WE COULD PUT A RUG OVER IT.
A RUG? WHERE A
RUG DOESN'T BELONG?
WHY DON'T WE JUST THROW DOWN
A TWISTER MAT?
HAVE A FEW ROUNDS
BETWEEN VINTAGES?
STEADY, FRASIER,
THERE'S STILL HOPE.
I'LL BRING MY CONTRACTOR
BY IN THE MORNING.
MAN'S A GENIUS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S TIME
YOU BOYS LEARNED
EVERYTHING DOESN'T
HAVE TO BE PERFECT.
YES, IT'S THAT KIND OF ADVICE
THAT LEADS TO SHAG CARPETING.
AH, GOOD MORNING, DAPHNE.
EXTRA PANCAKES
FOR ME THIS MORNING.
I'M FAMISHED.
YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT
ABOUT THAT BEFORE YOU STARTED
MAKING CRACKS
ABOUT ENGLISH COOKING.
I HAVE HUNG UP MY SPATULA.
WELL, YOU MOVE MY CHAIR
YOU CUT OFF MY PANCAKE SUPPLY...
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
BACK OUT OVER EDDIE
ON YOUR WAY TO WORK
MAKE IT A HAT TRICK.
( doorbell ringing)
AND A "HAT TRICK" WOULD BE?
THAT'S IN HOCKEY, WHERE...
ENOUGH SAID. THANK YOU.
GOOD MORNING, FRASIER.
I'M DELIVERING ONE MIRACLE
WORKER AS PROMISED.
JOE DeCARLO, FRASIER CRANE
AND MY FATHER, MARTIN CRANE.
HI, JOE.
SO WHERE'S THE SCRATCH?
YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T SEE IT?
WE WERE GOING TO PUT
ORANGE CONES AROUND IT
SO NOBODY WOULD FALL IN IT.
IT'S RIGHT HERE.
I CAN GET RID OF THAT.
IT HAS TO BE DONE BY 5:00.
MY GUESTS ARRIVE AT 7:00.
SO IT HAS TO BE A FIRM
5:00, NOT A 5;15, NOT A 5:30.
I'LL HAVE IT DONE BY NOON.
I TOLD YOU HE WAS GOOD.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT A MAN
WHO SATISFIED MARIS...
SOMETHING THAT'S
STILL REGRETTABLY
ON MY "TO DO" LIST.
COFFEE'S READY.
OF COURSE, I'M
SURE IT WILL TASTE
LIKE ME OLD BATH WATER TO YOU.
YOU KNOW HOW IT GETS...
ALL GRAY AND SCUMMY
AROUND THE EDGES WITH...
OH, HELLO.
HI.
( softly): HELLO.
I'D LOVE SOME COFFEE, DAPHNE.
MM... DAPHNE?
UH, DAPH
THIS IS JOE DeCARLO.
JOE, THIS IS DAPHNE.
SHE HELPS ME OUT.
SMELLS GREAT.
COLUMBIAN?
OH, HA, NO.
ENGLISH.
THE COFFEE... COSTA RICAN.
WOULD YOU LIKE A CUP?
YEAH. THANKS.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
( whispering): HE'S ADORABLE.
TALK ME UP.
PLATE OF PANCAKES?
DEAL.
YOU KNOW, UH, JOE
DAPHNE'S A GREAT GAL.
YOU KNOW, SHE DOESN'T ALWAYS
GO AROUND IN THAT
RATTY OLD BATHROBE.
OH, NO.
SHE CLEANS UP REAL CUTE.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO CONVINCE ME.
I THINK DAD'S RIGHT...
YOU DON'T NEED TO
FIX THAT SCRATCH.
IT ADDS CHARACTER. COME, JOE.
NILES, FORGET IT.
HONEYBUN?
YES?
OH!
( giggling)
I MEANT, WOULD YOU LIKE ONE
OF THESE WITH YOUR COFFEE?
I'D LOVE ONE.
ANYTHING ELSE?
NO.
SUGAR.
YES?
I MEANT IN THE COFFEE.
( giggling): OH!
YOU KNOW, MARIS IS QUITE KEEN
ON GUTTING MY LIBRARY
TO MAKE MORE SPACE FOR HER HATS.
WHY DON'T YOU COME HOME WITH ME
AND YOU CAN SEND
ONE OF YOUR MEN OVER
TO DO THIS LITTLE JOB.
BRUCE WOULD BE GOOD, THE
LARGE SWEATY GENTLEMAN
WITH THE CHILI
DOGS ON HIS BREATH.
NILES, JOE IS HERE ALREADY,
AND WE DO HAVE A DEADLINE.
BUT WOULDN'T IT BE PRUDENT...?
NILES, IT'S SETTLED.
THAT'S GREAT, BECAUSE
I'M KIND OF ANXIOUS
TO GET AT HER.
I'LL JUST BET HE IS
THE TESTOSTERONE-DRIVEN,
TOOL-WIELDING...
NILES!
NILES, HE'S TALKING
ABOUT THE SCRATCH.
OH! I KNEW THAT.
I MEAN, I KNOW THAT.
I MEAN, WATCH HIM.
SOMEONE REMODELING?
NOPE. BAD WIRING IN
ONE OF THE CONDOS.
AH. WELL, I HOPE YOU GENTLEMEN
WON'T BE WORKING THIS EVENING.
I'M ENTERTAINING SOME
VERY IMPORTANT GUESTS
AND YOU KNOW HOW SOUND
TRAVELS IN THIS BUILDING.
CAN'T MAKE ANY PROMISES.
WE'RE HERE AS LONG
AS THIS POOR SAP
IS WILLING TO PAY US.
WHAT IS HAPPENING?!
HOLD IT DOWN, GUYS.
UH, SORRY ABOUT THIS, DR. CRANE
BUT WHEN I PLUGGED IN THE SANDER
TO START ON THE FLOOR,
YOU BLEW A CIRCUIT.
SO, NATURALLY, YOU'RE
SAWING A HOLE INTO MY WALL.
WHEN THE CIRCUIT
BLEW, IT STARTED A FIRE.
YOU GOT SOME REAL BAD WIRING.
HOW LONG?
A COUPLE HOURS.
"A COUPLE" IS VAGUE.
THE BIG HAND
WOULD BE ON THE TWELVE AND
THE LITTLE HAND WOULD BE...?
ON THE FOUR.
OH, THE FOUR.
WELL, THE FOUR IS OKAY. FINE.
Martin: YOU KNOW THE FIRE?
EDDIE SMELLED IT FIRST.
OH, WELL, HE'S A REGULAR
CANARY IN A COAL MINE, ISN'T HE?
MY GOD.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
DON'T ASK, NILES.
I SEE YOU'VE GOT
THE ROMANEE-CONTI.
YES, BUT UNFORTUNATELY,
THEY ONLY HAD THE ONE BOTTLE.
OH, THAT'S FUNNY. THE
IMPORTER TOLD ME HE HAD TWO.
REALLY? HOW STRANGE.
YOU KNOW, IF I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU BETTER, I WOULD SWEAR
THAT YOU HAD SQUIRRELED
ONE AWAY FOR YOURSELF.
BUT THEN, WE BOTH KNOW
THAT YOU MUST BE
TELLING THE TRUTH
BECAUSE YOU'RE SUCH
A SLAVE TO YOUR ETHICS
THAT EVEN THE
SLIGHTEST TRANSGRESSION
WOULD CAUSE YOUR NOSE TO BLEED.
WHICH IT ISN'T.
( sniffs)
YOU JUST SNIFFED.
I DIDN'T SNIFF.
IT WAS A SNORT OF CONTEMPT.
( sniffs)
A SNORT IS OUT.
THAT WAS IN.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
THE OTHER BOTTLE'S IN
THE CAR IN MY BOWLING BAG.
THANK YOU.
YOU HAVE A BOWLING BAG?
YES. MARIS AND I HAVE TAKEN
TO GIVING EACH OTHER GAG GIFTS.
AH.
I GAVE HER A COOKBOOK.
OH, YOO-HOO.
I, UH, NOTICED
HOW YOUR SHIRT WAS
CLINGING TO YOUR BACK
AND... I THOUGHT A GLASS OF
ICED TEA MIGHT HIT THE SPOT.
OH, THANKS, DAPH.
( giggling): OH!
I GOT A SPARK.
ME TOO.
THAT'S JUST
STATIC ELECTRICITY
FROM THE CARPET.
IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE.
I'LL SHOW YOU. WATCH.
NILES...
STOP POKING ME!
SHOULD I PUT THESE LITTLE
FINGERY FOODS IN THE FRIDGE?
YES, PLEASE. THE BRIE
IS SWEATING UP A STORM.
LET ME HELP YOU WITH THOSE.
UH, NO, DAPHNE.
LET ME HELP YOU.
EXCUSE ME, BRUCE. OH!
GEEZ!
SPARK! SPARK.
DID YOU SEE THAT?
WELL, I WILL BE BACK
AFTER WORK AT 5:30.
I HOPE I HAVE YOUR WORD
THAT MY APARTMENT
WILL BE PERFECT BY THEN.
SURE THING.
THINK BEFORE YOU ANSWER.
THIS IS NOT LIKE MARRIAGE VOWS
OR A PROMISE TO A DYING PARENT.
THIS REALLY, REALLY COUNTS.
YOU HAVE MY WORD.
THANK YOU.
MAN, I AM SWEATING LIKE A PIG.
I GOT TO AIR MYSELF
OUT. HOLD THE ELEVATOR.
I'M SORRY. I NEED
THIS NOSE TONIGHT.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
KEEP FEEDING THESE MEN.
ACTUALLY, MARIS FINDS
THEY WORK FASTER
IF YOU KEEP THEM HUNGRY.
I DON'T MIND.
OF COURSE, I PROBABLY DON'T COOK
AS WELL AS THEIR
WIVES AND GIRLFRIENDS.
THAT IS, IF THEY ALL
HAVE GIRLFRIENDS.
I'M SURE JOE'S PROBABLY
MENTIONED SOME GIRL TO YOU.
NO.
REALLY?
THAT IS, NOT ANY ONE GIRL.
NOT OLD
LOVE-'EM-AND-LEAVE-'EM JOE.
FROM WHAT I'VE HEARD
HE'S WRECKED MORE
HOMES THAN HE'S FIXED.
MIMSY STANHOPE HAS
HIM OVER ALL THE TIME
AND I DON'T JUST MEAN
TO STRIP HER ENTRYWAY.
OH, I SEE.
I'M SORRY, DAPHNE.
NO.
IT'S BETTER I SHOULD KNOW
NOW BEFORE I GET ME HOPES UP.
THANK YOU FOR
BEING HONEST WITH ME.
( silence)
AH...!
( saw buzzing)
JOE?
DR. CRANE, DON'T PANIC.
I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.
WONDERFUL. THEN
PERHAPS YOU CAN EXPLAIN...
THESE LEGS?
THAT'S CECIL, THE
BEST CEILING GUY
IN SEATTLE.
WE WERE LUCKY TO GET HIM.
WHEN WE OPENED THE WALL
WE FOUND THE GAS PIPES
LEADING TO YOUR FIREPLACE
HAD TO BE FIXED.
TONIGHT.
I OKAYED IT.
IT JUST SEEMED WISER TO DO IT
BEFORE THE EXPLOSION.
FRASIER. THE CLUB MEMBERS
ARRIVE IN 45 MINUTES.
HAVE YOU LOST YOUR...?
CECIL.
NILES, DON'T YELL AT ME.
IF YOU WERE ABLE TO LIFT
ANYTHING HEAVIER
THAN AN EMERY BOARD
WE WOULDN'T BE IN THIS POSITION.
NEXT TIME YOU'LL
LISTEN TO YOUR OLD MAN.
I WAS CONSIDERING WHETHER I
SHOULD SHAVE OR SLIT MY WRISTS.
YOU'VE MADE MY CHOICE
A LITTLE EASIER.
WE ARE GOING TO MAKE IT.
ONLY, UH, ABOUT THAT SHAVING...
WE HAD TO SHUT THE WATER
OFF TO REPLACE A VALVE.
OH. WELL, THAT EXPLOSION IDEA
IS SOUNDING BETTER AND BETTER.
COULD SOMEONE
MOVE THAT METAL PIECE
AWAY FROM THE DOOR?
( phone ringing)
HELLO. YES, UH, JUST...
HOLD ON, WILL YOU?
HEY, JOE. YOU KNOW, UH
YOU GOING TO BE THROUGH BY 7:00?
THAT GIVES YOU PLENTY OF TIME
FOR DINNER AND A MOVIE.
( loud buzzing)
EXCUSE ME.
( unintelligible)
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO HAVE DINNER?
( unintelligible)
I'M SORRY. I CAN'T HEAR...
( buzzing stops)
I SAID, I DON'T WANT
TO GO OUT WITH YOU!
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
GET BACK TO WORK!
THANKS A LOT.
WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?
SHE'S CRAZY ABOUT HIM.
NILES, IS YOUR NOSE BLEEDING?
NO, NO, I WAS JUST
ADMIRING CECIL'S HANDIWORK.
THAT WAS THE MAYOR ON THE PHONE.
APPARENTLY, HIS WIFE
CAN'T MAKE IT TONIGHT
SO HE HAS INVITED SENATOR ADLER.
COULD ANYTHING ELSE
POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
TAKE A LOOK AT THAT.
OH, DEAR GOD.
IS THAT BLOOD ON MY FLOOR?
AND ANOTHER DROP?
NILES!
WELL?
IS IT TERRIBLY WRONG
TO MISLEAD SOMEONE
EVEN IF IT'S FOR HIS
OR HER OWN GOOD?
WHAT DID YOU TELL DAPHNE?
I MADE UP A STORY
THAT JOE SEDUCES ALL
THE WOMEN HE WORKS FOR
SO SHE WOULDN'T GO OUT WITH HIM.
NILES... HOW COULD
YOU BE SO SELFISH?
I DIDN'T DO IT FOR
ME; I DID IT FOR HER.
SHE DESERVES A
DOCTOR OR A LAWYER...
SOMEONE FOR WHOM A
T-SHIRT IS AN UNDERGARMENT.
LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
SORT OF TWISTED FANTASY
YOU'VE CONCOCTED
ABOUT YOU AND DAPHNE.
I SUPPOSE IT INVOLVES A
COMET HITTING THE EARTH
AND YOU AND SHE HAVING
TO REBUILD THE SPECIES
BUT TRUST ME, NILES
IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
SHE NEEDS A MAN THAT CAN DO MORE
FOR HER THAN...
JUST SMELL HER HAIR.
DAPHNE?
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
YOU ARE GOING TO FIX THIS.
TELL HER THE TRUTH.
ONLY THE TRUTH
SHALL MAKE YOU CLOT.
YES, DR. CRANE?
YES, DAPHNE, NILES HAS
SOMETHING HE WISHES
TO DISCUSS WITH YOU.
WHAT IS IT, DR. CRANE?
OH, LOOK.
YOU HAVE A SPOT ON YOUR TIE.
OH...
WELL, EARLIER...
WHAT I SAID ABOUT JOE...
I MADE A MISTAKE.
HE DOESN'T SLEEP AROUND.
HE HASN'T WRECKED ANY HOMES
AND... THE BUSINESS
ABOUT MIMSY STANHOPE...
OH, SORRY.
IS THERE A JOHN AROUND
HERE THAT AIN'T OCCUPADO?
YOU CAN USE THE MASTER BEDROOM.
JOE NEVER WORKED
FOR MIMSY STANHOPE.
HE SURE DIDN'T.
I DO ALL THE WORK AT MIMSY'S.
SHE IS ONE TOUGH
LADY TO SATISFY.
YOU?
I'M THE ONLY GUY WHO
CAN MAKE HER HAPPY.
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT. GEEZ.
SO... THAT WAS THE
MISTAKE YOU MADE.
THOSE STORIES YOU
HEARD WEREN'T ABOUT JOE.
THEY WERE ABOUT BRUCE?
HARD TO BELIEVE, ISN'T IT?
WELL, YOU KNOW, WHEN
SOCIETY WOMEN GO SLUMMING
THEY GO ALL THE WAY.
SO... YOU CAN... TELL JOE
THAT YOU, YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND
ABOUT GOING OUT WITH HIM.
OH, NO, I COULDN'T.
WHAT WOULD I SAY?
TELL HIM I HEARD
STORIES THAT HE...
( sniffing)
OOH. NO, BAD IDEA.
UH...
HERE.
YOU... WAIT HERE.
JOE.
YEAH?
YOU HAVE TO ASK
DAPHNE OUT AGAIN.
ARE YOU NUTS?
YOU HEARD WHAT SHE SAID.
BUT IF YOU ASK HER
AGAIN, SHE'LL SAY YES.
HEY, MAYBE I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.
OH, NO
YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED YOUR MIND.
YOU'RE JUST LETTING
MASCULINE VANITY
AND HURT FEELINGS KEEP
YOU FROM SOMETHING
THAT OTHER MEN CAN ONLY DREAM OF
IN THEIR OXBLOOD, CETUS LEATHER
WINGBACK CHAIRS
WITH THE LIGHTS OFF.
LOOK, DR. CRANE,
I JUST DON'T THINK
IT WOULD WORK OUT, OKAY?
NO, IT'S NOT OKAY.
IF YOU HAD EVER
SMELLED HER HAIR...
YOU'D KNOW SHE'S WORTH
AT LEAST ONE MORE TRY.
SHE IS AN ANGEL.
SHE IS A GODDESS
AND SHE'S WAITING FOR
YOU IN THE BATHROOM.
YOU GOT A MINUTE?
OH...
I'M NEVER GOING TO MAKE IT.
( phone ringing)
DAPHNE, WOULD YOU GET THAT?
GEEZ, I THOUGHT YOU WERE
SLITTING YOUR WRISTS.
YOU WENT FOR DEATH
BY A THOUSAND CUTS.
I CUT MYSELF BECAUSE I
WAS SHAVING WITHOUT WATER.
AND WHY WAS THERE NO WATER?
BECAUSE I HAD TO MOVE YOUR
CHAIR WHICH GOUGED THE FLOOR
WHICH MADE ME CALL FOR
JOE WHO FOUND BAD PIPES
WHICH CALLED FOR CECIL
WHO ATE THE CAT
THAT KILLED THE RAT
THAT LIVED IN THE HOUSE
THAT FRASIER BUILT!
THAT WAS THE DOORMAN.
SENATOR ADLER'S
LIMOUSINE JUST PULLED UP.
OH! IT'S OVER!
IT'S OVER!
SING, FAT LADY, SING.
FRASIER, WHAT ARE
WE GOING TO DO?
GIVE ME YOUR CASH, BOTH OF YOU.
NEVER MIND WHY.
JUST HAND IT TO ME.
ALL RIGHT. YOU WANT ALL $700?
YOU CARRY $700 IN YOUR WALLET?
WELL, MARIS ASKED ME TO
STOP BY THE DRUGSTORE LATER.
JUST HAND IT OVER.
OKAY, GUYS!
I GOT 700 AND SOME
ODD DOLLARS HERE.
IF YOU CAN GET
EVERYTHING CLEARED UP
BEFORE FRASIER'S
BUDDIES GET UP HERE
IT'S YOURS TO SPLIT
ANY WAY YOU WANT.
BRIBERY?
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO!
COME ON!
IT'S STARTING TO WORK.
IT'S STARTING TO WORK.
HEY, HERE'S ANOTHER HUNDRED.
I WAS HOLDING OUT ON MY OLD MAN.
DR. CRANE?
YES?
JOE TOLD ME WHAT YOU DID.
I THINK THAT'S THE NICEST THING
ANYONE'S EVER DONE FOR ME.
THANK YOU.
OH!
DID YOU FEEL THAT?
WE MADE A SPARK.
OH, YES, WE DID.
I GUESS YOU WERE RIGHT.
IT IS JUST THE CARPET.
Joe: OKAY, EVERYBODY, COME ON.
MOVE IT, MOVE IT, MOVE IT!
WE'RE OUTTA HERE.
YOU READY?
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, DAPHNE.
HAVE A GOOD TIME.
OH, MY GOD.
WE, WE ACTUALLY DID IT.
OH, DAD, PLEASE
PLEASE DON'T LEAVE.
I'D LIKE YOU TO STAY.
YOU HELPED ME GET THIS
PUT TOGETHER TONIGHT.
OH, THANKS, FRAS. THAT
MAKES ME FEEL GOOD.
NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO HANG
AROUND WITH THAT BLEEDING-HEART
SOFTY-ON-CRIME
SENATOR ADLER, BUT GOOD.
COME ON, EDDIE.
POLITICIANS ARE COMING.
( doorbell ringing)
THEY'RE HERE.
SENATOR ADLER, MAYOR,
WELCOME TO MY HUMBLE ABODE.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE
OUT OF T.P. IN THE CAN?
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